Chapter 3: Alleycat

Haru returned to her dorm room, closed the door and leaned against it, then slid down to the floor. She heaved a sigh. None of that had gone as she'd hoped.

She'd wanted to see what the aikido club was like, that was true; she'd been curious ever since Makoto had mentioned it. It would be good to get some exercise again, and it did seem like she could relieve some of her stress there. It wasn't hitting shadows with an axe, but it would do, and the people seemed nice. She idly wondered what her nickname would end up being.

Some small part of her mind insisted that she wouldn't mind having an excuse to call Makoto "Queen" again, and she put her face in her hands. How had she called the other girl that, for so long, and never thought anything about it?

Just one more thing that made this difficult to deal with, Haru thought. She had some kind of feelings for Makoto, there was no denying that. Seeing her again so soon, and spending most of her time at aikido club watching her instead of seeing what the club was actually doing, made her very sure. Thinking back, there was something about seeing Makoto there, watching her go through the exercises, breathing hard . . . even watching her throw someone else to the ground had been. . . .

Haru's heart beat faster at the memories. She didn't quite have words for how watching that made her feel. But she could probably think of a few if she replayed it in her head a few dozen more times.

She shook her head. That wasn't what she needed to do. What she needed to do was figure out what to do about all these things she was feeling.

Haru rested her head against the door, and tried very hard not to let an old sadness take hold. This wasn't the first time she'd had to deal with this; she knew she fell for people too quickly. It had happened with Ren, years ago, and it had broken her heart when he didn't return her feelings. She'd gotten over it in time, and college had given her so many new things to focus on, which had helped a great deal. Thankfully, it hadn't bothered her when they'd all spent weeks on the road together a year later.

But this was different. She and Makoto would be at their university together for a few more years yet. And if she was going to join the aikido club, Haru knew she couldn't avoid Makoto there – that would just be strange, especially since Makoto had invited her in the first place.

So what was she supposed to do about how she felt? She didn't even know if Makoto liked girls, now that she thought about it. Haru had never even seen any sign that Makoto liked anyone, nor heard her talk about it. Somehow, the Phantom Thieves had never spent much time talking about who had a crush on who or anything like that, as many groups their age seemed to do. Or maybe that was just what Haru thought they would be like. It wasn't like she'd had many friends growing up to do those sorts of things, and. . . .

She let her thoughts trail off, and sighed again. She was going in circles. There had been times in the past where she'd been fine to just sit and dwell on things and not find any answers in her own head, but she knew it didn't really do her any good. For something like this, it was best to talk to someone.

And she had promised that she would.

Haru pulled out her phone, tapped the chat application, then made very sure to select a conversation that was only with one person. This was not something she wanted to send to any group chat, especially the Phantom Thieves one. That would be a complete disaster.

HARU: Hello Futaba, are you busy?

Haru lowered her phone and looked out the window. It was evening, not too late yet. Futaba might be busy, she knew, but she'd told the girl that she would talk when she was ready. So now, she only had to wait, and hope that–

FUTABA: hey!

FUTABA: it's been like three days, didn't think i'd hear from you this quick

FUTABA: how goes it?

Haru smiled, more than a little relief flowing through her. Maybe this was going to turn out to be okay after all.

HARU: I'm doing all right, thank you. How have you been?

FUTABA: still cramming for exams. this sucks sooooooo much

FUTABA: it's like I'm trying to fit everything I've ever known into my head at once and it all has to stay there long enough for me to spit it back out on a test and if I get one thing wrong it's game over at everything forever

FUTABA: was it this bad for you?

Haru took deep breath as the memories came back, and frowned. She hadn't enjoyed preparing for her college entrance exams, but she'd also spent a lot of time studying with Makoto, which had helped her a great deal.

It was . . . probably for the best she hadn't been aware of her feelings for Makoto back then, wasn't it.

HARU: I had a hard time with some of it, but it turned out all right in the end. All the studying was worth it. What university are you trying to get into?

FUTABA: one of the big important ones

FUTABA: got to prove I've got the biggest brain out there, you get me?

FUTABA: and I want to make Sojiro proud but don't tell him I said that

Despite everything, Haru giggled at that, and smiled at her phone. That sounded just like Futaba.

FUTABA: but I know you didn't text me to hear me whine about studying

FUTABA: you ready to talk about the stuff that bugged you earlier?

Another line of emoji followed, a mixed set of devious smiles and what seemed to be hugs and other things Haru wasn't quite sure how to figure out. But there were hearts and flowers in there, so she figured Futaba was trying to show her support.

HARU: I think I am, yes.

A second later, Haru's phone rang, and she nearly dropped it in surprise. She'd thought they'd talk this out through text, and she never would have guessed Futaba would call her. But she held up the phone and tried to smile, as she'd been told that would come through in her voice.

"Hello, Futaba. How are you?"

"You just asked me that," Futaba said, and giggled. "But I'm good. You?"

"I'm . . . not sure how I'm doing." Haru leaned her head against her door again. "Thank you for calling me, though. It might be easier to talk about it this way."

"Yeah, it's like that for some people," Futaba said. "Plus this seems like heavy stuff, so I figured you didn't want to have it spelled out on your phone in case someone steals it or hacks into it."

Haru blinked. She hadn't even considered that. But it did make her think of something else Futaba had told her. "You're not recording this, are you?"

"Nope," Futaba said. "Wouldn't do that to a friend, not unless I asked first. Maybe if I needed to mess with someone. But this isn't one of those things." She paused, like she was waiting for Haru to respond, then said, "So, what's going on under all that floof?"

Haru decided to let that one go. "I . . . I'm not entirely sure how to start," she said. "I think I'm . . . coming around to seeing something about myself differently, and I'm wondering how long I've been that way, and if it's been longer than I thought and I just couldn't see it, or wouldn't see it."

She paused. That was mostly the same things she'd told Sojiro, so maybe she should tell Futaba a little more. Haru wrapped both hands around her phone, then managed to say, "And it's been happening since a friend . . . went through something similar, and I can't stop thinking about it."

There was a silent moment, and Haru pressed her lips together. Was Futaba going to make her say it outright? She'd barely even been able to admit it to herself, and she knew she was talking around it, but surely Futaba could understand. Couldn't she? Haru knew Futaba still sometimes had difficulty being around people, but she'd never seemed to be bad at figuring people out, so. . . .

"Ooooooh," Futaba said, drawing the word out, her voice rising the whole way. For a moment, Haru hoped the other girl wasn't teasing her. "I think I'm picking up what you're putting down. This, umm . . . this happened after Ann told you about her and Shiho, didn't it."

Haru winced just a bit. Futaba had not only connected the dots but seen much more of the picture than Haru had expected, which was kind of troubling. Yes, she'd worried about being too vague, but maybe she hadn't been vague enough. "You knew about Ann?" Haru asked, maybe delaying saying more about herself not completely on purpose.

"Yeah, Ann and I talk all the time." Futaba made some kind of happy noise, and Haru smiled. "When she was out doing the modeling thing all over the world, she and I talked a bunch, because she was always in a different time zone and my sleep schedule's kind of broken. And I'd told her about friends online who were dealing with stuff like this, so she knew she was good to come out to me."

"Oh, you know others," Haru said. "I – I knew some people were like this, of course, but Ann was the first one I actually knew. And hearing her talk about Shiho like that, it . . . it made me think. About things I hadn't thought about. Before."

Haru lowered her head. Why was this so difficult to get out? It felt like she was talking about something wrong or scary, and it – it wasn't wrong, and she didn't want to be scared of it. But it was just so different from what she'd thought herself to be. And she didn't know how to deal with that.

"Yeah, I've seen that with a bunch of people," Futaba said. Somehow, she sounded completely at ease with all of this, and Haru wondered just how much she'd talked about it with Ann and whomever else. "It's not like someone just wakes up one day and is like, wow, my sexuality has changed, what a weird thing to happen!" She laughed, and Haru shook her head but couldn't keep from smiling. "Most of the time, they meet someone and they're like, whoa, where are these new feelings coming from because I didn't think I could get them from you."

"That . . . that makes a lot of sense," Haru said, not much more than a whisper.

And sometimes those feelings got ignored for years, but Haru couldn't bring herself to say that. It wasn't so much that she'd ignored her feelings for Makoto as she'd just kind of not even realized they were there, until they actually weren't, until something brought them all back at once.

"So, you going to tell me who unlocked your closet?"

Haru let out a yelp before she could stop herself, and nearly dropped her phone. She fumbled with it, and heard Futaba laughing. "That's – that's not a very kind thing to ask," she managed, falling back on politeness when the rest of her mind scrambled to come up with anything else to say.

"Oh, c'mon, I wouldn't actually do that," Futaba said. "Look, like I said, this isn't my first time dealing with this. The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself about how you're feeling, and take it at your own pace. Don't rush it, don't push it, don't tell anyone you're not comfortable or don't feel safe with. But don't act like it's not there. That just gets you hurt." Futaba paused. "And don't try to sleep with her right away, you'll just wake up confused in a weird place."

Haru opened her mouth to say something and found herself incapable of processing all of that at once. Of all the things to say. And she never would have expected to hear that last one come out of Futaba's mouth.

"I . . . I suppose that is good advice," she said after a moment. Some part of her mind tried to wonder how Futaba had learned about the last bit of advice and she promptly told it to sit down and be quiet.

"Hey, Haru," Futaba said, more quietly than usual. "I get that this is heavy stuff, and I'm joking around because I know it's hard. I've seen a lot of people deal with it and mess things up one way or another. And I know I'm not much good at giving advice. I just don't want you to get hurt, you know?"

"I know," Haru said. She held her phone in both hands again, wishing she could give Futaba a hug. She needed one herself right about now. "And I think you've given good advice, Futaba. Thank you."

The younger girl let out a cackle. "Never thought I'd hear that. Achievement unlocked! I usually go to Ann for advice, she's a lot better at it than I am because she actually gets people and knows how to talk to them."

"You might be selling yourself short on that," Haru said, and managed to smile. "I think you've helped me, at least a little."

"Yeah, but you're a friend. I wouldn't do this for just anyone. Most of the time with other people I just sort of hang around and make stupid jokes or wait until someone says something interesting so I actually have something to talk about." She paused. "High school kind of sucks, doesn't it."

"It can." Haru sighed. "But thank you, Futaba. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about any of this. If anything."

"Wait, you might not do anything?" Futaba sounded stunned, and Haru was suddenly glad they weren't doing a video chat, else she might have been treated to an extreme close-up of the girl's face.

"There's still a lot to figure out," Haru said slowly. "This is new to me. I need to understand how I feel about all this. And I don't know if – if she even likes other girls."

"Only one way to find out," Futaba said, and let out another devious giggle. "Or maybe two or three ways, but I'm pretty sure just grabbing someone and kissing them is actually a bad idea and anime is lying to me."

Haru paused, trying and failing to not picture doing that to Makoto. Her heart felt like it was going to burst through her ribs. "Yes," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady as her face burned hot, "yes, that would be a bad idea."

"But let me know if you try it, yeah? I want it to work for somebody."

Haru shook her head again, and couldn't help laughing. Futaba had definitely grown up some, of course she had, but it seemed what Yusuke had once called her 'gremlin spirit' would never change.

"I will tell you," Haru said, "if anything happens. As long as I can tell you. So I hope I'll have good news for you someday."

"Yeah, I hope so too. I remember that asshole you were engaged to, and I'm glad you got rid of him, but you know, you're my friend and I want you to be happy." Futaba paused. "If that doesn't sound too cheesy."

"Not at all," Haru said, smiling a little and doing her best to sound grateful. "Thank you again, Futaba. I need to go, though, I need to get something to eat."

"Yeah, I should do that too probably," Futaba said. "But keep me posted! Especially if you can give me a name."

Haru promised that she would, and ended the call, then looked out the window to the evening sky. What Futaba said was true, but it wasn't going to be as easy as it sounded.

She could be honest with herself. Something had changed, and she could get used to this new part of herself. Even if it took a while. But she couldn't be sure about how things would go from here. She wanted to know how Makoto felt, or if Makoto even liked girls, but how was she supposed to find out?

So much had changed in only a few days, and she had no idea how to truly deal with it.