The Boy That Time Remembered
(Peeks out from behind a wall) DON'T KILL ME!
ML: Oh geez. Guess I have to do the thing for you. Hello, all. I'm not even going to try and apologize for her. Let's look over this story. Collectively this story has 2,659 views, 27 favs, 37 alerts and 18 reviews. Thank you to all the readers-chazu. Here's another chapter for you. It's a long one just for you.
(Still hiding behind a wall) ENJOY!
Chapter 5: Christmas Tidings
Adric couldn't move. Something like that should have made him wary, made him try and resist whatever was holding him down. But he didn't want to. He was so...warm. If he could compare it, he would liken it to a mother's embrace. Perhaps his own mother held him like this, once upon a time, when she was still alive. When both of his parents still breathed and his brother was still a child, loved and cared for.
(His brother never knowing that he would be killed as a young adult. Varsh unaware that his fate was death at the hands of what was, essentially, their ancestors.)
His mind felt so blank. Usually he had a dozen thoughts running through his head simultaneously, calculations moving throughout his brain, numbers flickering behind his eyelids when he closed them. It was so hard to get his brain to shut up sometimes, made for nights where he couldn't bring himself to sleep, mind too involved to be placated by a distraction.
But now...now he couldn't feel a thing. Adric was numb to the world around him and that suited him just fine.
(Something, in the back of his mind, told him that he shouldn't be this relaxed. This disconnected from everything.)
(It's okay, child, it's okay, you are safe here, just rest, nothing will harm you here, promise, go to sleep now-)
Adric kept his eyes closed, brain spared from the intrusive thoughts that perforated his mind and left him feeling moments away from crawling out of his skin.
Why would he ever want to leave?
Adric breathed out heavily and felt the warmth of stray sunbeams on his face. That was strange in itself. The TARDIS didn't have any windows to allow any type of light in. And even if there was a window (which sometimes happened if the TARDIS was feeling moody), the only thing you would see was the passing of the timestream.
So where was this sunlight coming from? Adric reluctantly opened his eyes, hissing at the light shining directly into his face, and glanced around.
His annoyance transitioned into confusion. This wasn't his bedroom in the TARDIS. It was smaller and not quite as spacious. The floor was made out of a dark wood paneling that managed to compliment the tan of the walls. A small wardrobe was located in the corner of the room with a desk pushed underneath a window. The curtains were thin enough to let the burgeoning sun pass through.
'So that's where the light is coming from.' Adric levered himself up and glanced at the bedspread he was laying in. It was blue, the comforter was fuzzy and it looked soft. He ran his hands across the fabric as he tried to bring his mind to heel.
'The last thing I remember...the Doctor had-'
Adric sucked in a sharp breath as the past events of the day caught up with him. He felt his hands start to shake from their position on top of the blanket.
He was fighting Cybermen, they were going to kill everyone on Earth, he had to stop them but he couldn't do it, he was going to die but he didn't, the Doctor was with him but he was different again, Earth was okay but how, how, how, he didn't understand, everything was different, why, why, why, they were fighting, they were running, he couldn't breath-!
Adric breathed out carefully when he noticed he wasn't breathing. He looked down and saw how white his hands were turning from how hard he was clutching the comforter. He brought his hands to his face and tried to stifle a groan.
'It wasn't a dream. It was all real…' He pulled his head up and looked at the ceiling. 'I was thought dead...and everything I know has been turned upside down.' Adric looked down at his hands and flexed them, observing the tendons in his fingers moving beneath his skin.
The Doctor. He said he would explain everything, all of the events that occurred while he was..gone (dead, dead, dead). After that, Adric didn't really know. There were still some unsaid emotional issues between him and the Doctor that were put on hold (near permanently) by the Cybermen. He doesn't...Adric doesn't know what will happen once all those unsaid feelings are shared.
(He's afraid that he will lose the only stabilizing he still has left.)
"Well," Adric sighed. "There's no use delaying it anymore. Might as well get out of bed and see if there is any breakfast."
Fortunately, there was breakfast waiting for Adric when he stepped down the stairs. He didn't bother to change into any sleepwear, so he slept in the hodgepodge of clothes the Doctor had provided him with. Adric was also pleased to note that his body had taken his rest time to heal from its previous diminished state. While he wouldn't be running any marathons anytime soon, he was suitably recovered enough.
When he reached the bottom of the staircase, he could smell something being cooked. Adric followed his nose and found himself in a small kitchen. The walls were covered in a white striped yellow wallpaper. It was mildly garish to look at but Adric guessed it wasn't the worst pattern out there. Standing in front of the oven, Donna looked...strange dressed in nothing but a simple T-shirt and trousers. Most of his memories of her are associated with that bright dress of hers.
Donna looked over her shoulder and saw Adric standing in the kitchen doorway. "Ah, you're finally up!" She exclaimed. "I thought you would keep on sleeping the day away with how you were," Donna gestured to the small table. "You can sit next to Gramps while I get the food settled. You like bangers and mash? Or do you eat something different from wherever it is you're from?"
Adric mumbled an agreement and settled himself opposite the elderly human. He didn't look very threatening, though that wasn't really a good indicator for someone being evil. His hair was completely white and he had stubble growing in uneven patches around his cheeks and chin. Despite his rather rough appearance, Adric could see that he had a kind look in his eyes.
"Hello there, young man," The older male greeted Adric with an easy smile. "The name's Wilf. Wilfred Mott. Appreciate you and that Doctor fella bringing Donna back to us."
"It was no problem," Adric was a little unsure of what to say. What do regular old men like to talk about? Every other older male he's spoken with were either caught up in the drama of their latest adventure (with only a small percentage barely involved) or evil. None of them were normal if you went by human standards.
Lucky for him, at that moment, Donna deposited a plate full of food in front of him. Adric could feel his mouth water slightly at the smell wafting into his nose. He could see another plate being placed in front of the elder but all he cared for at the moment was filling his empty stomach.
(He was always hungry, so hungry, even back on the Starliner, nobody ate as much as he did, he remembered some of the adult Elites looking at him strangely, wondering why.)
It was a few moments later that conversation was attempted again by Wilf.
"So, you and that Doctor, the two of you are from space?"
"Huh?" Adric focused his attention away from his food. "Um. Yes, both of us are not from this planet, though we come from different parts of the universe."
'Not to mention I am originally from a completely different universe as well.'He added silently to himself. No need to even try to explain the concept of the multiverse.
Wilf's eyes were practically glowing with barely contained excitement. "That's amazing! You must have seen so much...what type of constellations have you seen? I love to take a look at the stars when it's dark out. Have you ever had a good look at Orion? Or what about Gemini? Libra?"
The questions came out rapidly, with no breath seemingly being taken between each one. Adric was split between his need to avoid answering any of the questions and worry that the old man may pass out from lack of oxygen. Fortunately, he didn't have to do anything.
"Oh lay off, Gramps." Donna chided her grandfather as she joined the table, her own plate in hand. "The boy just got out of bed! No need to badger him when he's hardly managed to finish his plate."
Adric looked down at his plate and wisely didn't mention that he had already managed to finish over half of his meal.
"Sorry, lad." Wilf sheepishly apologized. "It's just-You've probably gone and explored clear half of the universe. You must have seen some amazing things!"
'Yeah, I did witness some truly breathtaking things while traveling. But the moments were usually ruined by whatever individual decided to exercise their homicidal tendencies that day.'
"There were many extraordinary things that I have witnessed throughout the universe." The young Alzarian said slowly. "It's something that I didn't expect in my life… but now I find I cannot imagine myself going back to the simple lifestyle I had before." He ignored the small voice in his head that whispered that he may not have a choice soon enough.
Wilf nodded in agreement. "I served as a young man during World War 2. Never thought I'd travel anywhere further than Westminster or Wimbledon. Next thing I knew, I was flying over Palestine." The old man gave a soft chuckle. "Still remember it to this day. Changed me a good deal, it did. After that, I went and settled down, had my Sylvia, who had my Donna. No regrets but I always think back on those days."
'Yes.' Adric felt his throat close up, watching Donna bring her grandfather a bottle of what looked like medicine, badgering him that he needed to take it and go back to bed. 'Change is something that comes for everyone, whether we expect it to or not. It can be something that brings out great joy or despair. But there is no stopping it.' The teenager shook himself out of his thoughts before they could reach truly morbid levels.
"Do you know where the Doctor is by any chance?" Adric posed the question to Donna, pushing his plate to the center of the table to be dealt with later. He was surprised that he managed to finish all of his food, distracted as he was.
"Oh, Spaceman?" Donna gives him a quick look before pointing to the backdoor. "He's out in the backyard, working on that spaceship of yours. Heard him banging on it with a hammer or something earlier."
Adric nodded. "Thank you." He got up from the table and made his way towards the door. "I'm going to see if he needs any help with the repairs."
"Alright then." Donna said while she dealt with the plates of food left on the table. "Just yell if you need anything."
Adric made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat, neither saying yes or no, before he exited the home. As soon as he walked outside he heard the sounds of a metallic object hitting another metallic object repeatedly. The doors of the TARDIS were wide open and he could make out the sound of someone swearing under their breath. The Doctor truly hasn't gotten any better at repairs, has he?
The moment he stepped through the doorway he could feel the TARDIS wrap itself around his mind, a soft humming being fed into his ears. Adric brought a hand up and gently caressed the coral-like pillar that grew from the platform. Further on the platform, the Doctor was positioned in front of a monitor screen, muttering under his breath.
Just looking at the man, Adric felt a swell of emotion slither up his chest before settling down inside his throat. He had been ready to walk into the TARDIS and spill forth all of the questions that have been percolating inside of his mind since he woke up yesterday. But now, watching him tinker with the machinery around him, gave Adric pause. If he focused hard enough, he could imagine the blond Doctor, fussing over the wiring beneath the console, fiddling with the piece of celery he always wore. He blinked and the image shifted back into the new Doctor.
Adric cleared his throat before he could feel the swell of emotion worm its way up. He didn't want to start this conversation near tears. "Doctor?"
The Doctor immediately turned his head and beamed at him. "Adric, how are you?"
The younger alien couldn't help the small smile that crept onto his lips. The Doctor looked so happy to see him walking in. Like a child seeing its parents come home. "How are you this morning, Doctor?" He moved closer to the monitor that held the Doctor's attention so captively.
"Ah! Just doing some final repairs on the TARDIS. The old girl had a bit of a hard time these past few days." The Doctor gave the console several fond pats. "But she'll be right as rain in no time. She's tough."
"That, I believe wholeheartedly." Adric commented, reaching out his own hand to stroke the console softly. "The TARDIS has always pulled through, even when the odds are overwhelmingly stacked against us." This time, Adric felt the cool caress of the TARDIS against his mind, soothing over the anxiety that was festering in a small part of his mind.
"Right you are." The Doctor gave the TARDIS one final pat before moving away from the console to give Adric his attention. "You're looking much better this morning. Did you get something to eat?" The Doctor questioned in a worried tone.
Adric shrugged but answered the question. "I had breakfast with Donna and her grandfather. It'll hold me for a couple of hours. How about you, have you eaten anything?" The Doctor waved off the inquiry.
"Oh, you know that I don't really need to eat very much. Time Lord biology and all that." The Doctor shrugged his shoulders back and picked up a screwdriver lying underneath the console.
"Of course." Adric could smell the lie from here, a familiar lie brought up every time anyone mentioned how the Doctor needed to take better care of his needs. It got to the point after the first dozen reminders that one simply looked after the man through silent gestures, such as leaving plates of food where he can reach it.
"Doctor?"
"Hmm?" He hardly looked up from his work on the console.
A pause. "Do you remember…" Adric took a second to gather his thoughts. "Do you remember back at the reception party? When we were in the back…how we promised to have a talk with each other?" That drew the Doctor up short. He turned to look at Adric, his eyes shining behind the glasses he had perched on his nose. He probably didn't even need them, Adric thought with wry humor.
"Are you absolutely certain you want to have this conversation now?" The Doctor peered at his face, as if he was trying to search out the lies in his face.
Adric nodded his head firmly, fighting against the growing lump in his throat. 'Yes."
The Doctor stared at him another moment before heaving out a slow breath, like the action was being forced onto him. He took the glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He looked so tired all of a sudden. Adric would feel guilty for reducing the elder male to this state but this was important. If they didn't get this conversation out of the way now, they would just end up avoiding the topic until the awkwardness forever spurned them from speaking about it. So he would make sure they get on with it. It was for the best.
Adric ignored the way his hands trembled slightly. He wasn't nervous about this talk. It was just the Doctor. He loved talking, even when the other person has no clue what he is saying. This was fine. Completely fine.
(His heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest, he wanted to turn around and throw himself to the mercy of Donna and her grandfather, he can't, he can't-)
Adric forced his hands to stop shaking, made himself move forward when the Doctor gestured in his direction. He stood next to him, leaning back against the console. The Doctor copied the movement, his glasses gripped in one hand, a temple lifted up and down by thin fingers. He wondered, exactly, what the Doctor felt about this discussion they were about to hold. Was he nervous? Did he already know what he was going to say? Has he been thinking about his words since Adric pursued the idea with him?
Adric was saved from his spiraling thoughts by the Doctor abruptly clapping his hands together.
"So!" The Doctor gave Adric a look that was meant to be reassuring but only served to display a manic sort of energy within his eyes. "What do you want to know?"
'What happened?" The question slipped quickly from his mouth without his control. Adric muzzled himself and took a moment to collect his thoughts. "What exactly happened during the Cybermen attack? The last clear memory I have is the freighter about to crash into Earth and I was…" He trailed off but they both knew what he was about to say.
I was about to die.
The Doctor rubbed a spot on his forehead, near his temple. "Yes." He gave a little sigh. "You were trapped on that freighter. I wasn't able to get to you, the Cyber-Leader had shot the TARDIS controls into pieces. I couldn't get them to work so we could only watch…" He left the sentence hanging.
"But how is the Earth still standing?" Adric found that question has been pestering him since yesterday (God, has it only been since yesterday?). "I saw it. The freighter hit the planet head on! It should have killed all life on the planet, humanity should not exist right now. How-how is it possible?"
The Doctor gave a wan grin. "Funny thing about that. Looking back through everything that happened, we found that the device controlling the ship had been tampered with. It wasn't enough to gain back control or stop the collision course, but it changed when exactly it would hit Earth."
Adric breathed sharply. "So when-"
"The end of the Cretaceous period, over 65 million years ago. Though most humans only know this as the time period where the dinosaurs went extinct. Dinosaurs were species of giant reptiles that lived on the planet at the time. A meteor made impact with the planet, causing an environmental disaster that resulted in a mass extinction event which killed off the dinosaurs. This was the point where some of the small mammals, who managed to hide and survive, came up to become the primary species on the planet." The Doctor looked at Adric with unfathomable eyes. "This was the point where the human race was given the chance to truly develop and grow."
What?
Adric stared blankly at the Doctor. Surely he must have heard him wrong? He had not just been told that he was responsible for the eradication of a- of a bunch of giant lizards? There was no way-!
Adric wanted the Doctor to tell him he was joking but the expression on his face told Adric every word out of his mouth was genuine. That everything he said was sincere.
The younger male hunched over a little and put his hands over his face. He felt the Doctor move closer to him, felt thin fingers grasping at his shoulders. But Adric couldn't comprehend anything beyond the sudden ringing in his ears.
He remembered something from back then. He had tried to override the device controlling the freighter, that first segment, the one that sent them careening into a time warp. He remembered feeling relieved when they exited it, thinking they saved the planet from danger. How that relief quickly transformed into horror when he heard Tegan cry out that he didn't work at all, that they were still on a collision course towards Earth. He went back into that control room to fix what he believed was his mistake. But it wasn't a mistake at all. His actions were part of the reason humans were capable of all they have done in the first place.
'I'm responsible for humans becoming the dominant species of the Earth.' Adric thought hysterically and managed to keep the hysteria from manifesting into laughter. Oh, if only Tegan knew that he partially helped her species evolve. Although maybe she did know, found out about it in the aftermath of everything. Adric would have liked to see her face. 'I bet it looked funny.'
There was a sound, low and constant, battering his ears. Adric thought for a second that the TARDIS had sprung some type of new fault. It wouldn't surprise him after everything yesterday. But as he felt himself pulled into a firm chest and soft reassurances pressed into his ears, felt a warm liquid trailing down his cheeks, he realized the noise was coming from himself. He tried to stop it, he needed to gain a handle on his emotions but that only caused his eyes to leak more.
This was ridiculous. He was trying to have a serious discussion with the Doctor. He wasn't some child who fell and was crying over their scraped knee. He needed to stop this, he needed to stop this right now. Adric couldn't put this conversation off for another moment. He might never get the chance again until much later, when they're in the middle of fighting off flesh-eating scorpions in another galaxy.
Why did you include yourself in that last thought? You don't even know if the Doctor wants you to come along still. You still haven't apologized for all those things you said before.
And now he was crying even harder. It was all catching up to him now. He had been staving off this breakdown in order to deal with it later (more than likely never), focusing more on the impending crisis involving Donna. But now there was nothing else to distract him. Now he was at the mercy of his own thoughts, reliving the crippling feeling of watching death slowly approach him, with nothing but the sound of his panicked breathing to fill the silence.
What was the point of staying behind on that ship? What was the point of trying to stop the crash? All of that frantic energy, the worry, the ache in his fingers from punching in numbers. Was all of that for nothing?
"I'm sorry." The ringing in his ears finally dimmed down enough for Adric to hear the apologies escaping into the atmosphere. The Doctor. The Doctor was holding him close, arms clasped tightly around his shoulders, his voice filled with love and regret in equal measure. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, dear boy."
He was apologizing. Here Adric was, sobbing all over the front of the Doctor's suit jacket, making the type of racket that would make toddlers side-eye him. He was making a complete spectacle of himself but there was nothing Adric could do to stop it. All he could do was weep and wonder about his life upturned once again.
He didn't know how long it took him to stop crying but it was long enough that his eyes were sore and a headache was pulsing in his skull. Adric, to put it in crude terms, felt like utter shit. He wanted nothing more than to find a quiet, dark spot to hide away from the world. But he knew that wasn't likely to happen in the near future so he may as well push that desire away.
Adric pulled himself away from the Doctor's arms (another thing to be embarrassed about) and roughly scrubbed at his eyes. "I'm sorry for all of that."
The Doctor gave him a warm smile. "It's all right, dear boy. Nothing wrong with having a good cry." The smile was replaced with a look of concern. "Do you want to take a break? You must feel a little knackered from all of..that." He made a gesture with one hand that managed to encompass Adric's…everything. Which was fair. He still looked like he hadn't eaten for several days and Adric hadn't bathed at all so he must smell something awful. Certainly the Doctor must smell him but his face gave away nothing.
'Did the Doctor even need to bathe?' The thought bounced around his brain like an out of control pinball. 'I've never actually seen him use the bathroom before. Strange.' Adric batted the notion away before it could go any further. Now was not the time and the Doctor was still waiting for him to respond.
"I'm alright now," Adric promised. "Really. So," he started before any more protests could come up. "My actions aboard the freighter indirectly helped with ushering in the opportunity for humanity to rise as the prominent species on the planet. Okay." He took a deep breath. "I assume the Cybermen were dealt with afterwards?" A dark look overtook the Doctor's face for a quick moment. If Adric hadn't been looking directly at him, he probably wouldn't have noticed. It was gone before he could say anything about it.
"Yes. The Cyber-Leader was dealt with," The Doctor informed him. His voice was even, not quite cold but emotion was most definitely being pushed down. "The surviving members of the crew for the freighter were evacuated." The older male paused and some moderate warmth returned to his tone. "Nyssa and Tegan were unharmed through it all. Tegan even jumped onto the Cyber-Leader's back to distract it for me, can you believe it?"
Adric couldn't help the small huff of laughter that escaped him. "That sounds just like something she would do." He frowned as his thoughts turned towards his fellow companions. "Tegan and Nyssa…Are they okay?" He asked slowly. "I know that they have likely stopped traveling with you, since they haven't appeared at any point during this whole..event." He stopped himself in time from saying disaster.
The Doctor allowed a smile to grace his face again. "They are doing well for themselves, last time I checked in. The circumstances for them leaving weren't quite…pleasant, but they were firm that they must follow their hearts and remain true to their morals. I couldn't wish for anything more from them."
Adric noted how the Doctor pointedly didn't go into detail on why exactly they left. He wanted to push it but that would run the risk of this conversation spiraling into another emotional fit and just. No. So he would take the explanation at face value but only for this occasion. When everything had settled down more. And when he didn't feel like burrowing into his bed sheets and pretending to be blind and deaf to the wider universe.
'Do I even have a bed or a room anymore?' Adric pushed that thought away, another addition to a growing collage of intrusive notions that he will keep fenced off in the back of his mind where they will never see the light of day.
"I'm sorry." Adric snapped his head around and stared at the Doctor. "I'm truly sorry, Adric."
"F-For what?" What was the Doctor apologizing for?
The Doctor sighed. "There are a lot of things that I wished I could have explained to you before your death. I've regretted that you believed that I didn't appreciate you or felt that I wasn't listening to you. I've just- just wished I could have done better for you."
Adric swallowed down the lump forming in his throat. "Then why?" He couldn't keep the inquiry from bursting out. "Why did you act so…" Adric couldn't even bring up the words to describe how he felt. 'Why were you so harsh on me after regenerating? Why didn't you try having a real conversation with me? Was I too much for you? Did the novelty of having me around wore off? Were we just not compatible anymore?' The Doctor ran a hand through his messy hair.
"Looking back on it through an older perspective, I can see that I hadn't handled interacting with you correctly. It was-you reminded me of how I was when I was your age." Adric blinked in surprise.
"What? Me?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yes, you. Centuries may have passed since then but I remember my teenage years well. I was rather…contentious, you can say. During my years in the Time Lord Academy, my day wouldn't be complete until I argued with someone towards my point of view. I viewed myself as smarter than the majority of my peers." The older male snorted. "Could hardly handle being told I was wrong or that I couldn't do something."
Adric huffed out a small laugh. "So not that much different to how you are now, huh?"
"Ha!" The Doctor chortled at the joke. "You got me there. But seriously, I was a little hell raiser. I wanted to know everything there was about the universe, never mind conforming or keeping up appearances. It didn't leave me with a lot of friends or teachers willing to tolerate my nonsense." The Doctor glanced at Adric. "When I first met you in E-Space, it was like looking into those funhouse mirrors. You didn't quite fit in with the rest of your peers, you were somewhat- er, condescending to those you believed were not as smart as you-"
Adric winced. As much as he didn't want to, he could admit to his personality defects. Tegan and Nyssa did so often enough.
"-But most of all, I saw your drive." Here, the older male looked the younger in the eye. "I saw just how much you wanted to see beyond the starliner. The moment Romana and I stopped on your planet, you realized the possibility of just how much more of the universe you could learn about." The Doctor rested a hand on Adric's shoulder. "With my fourth body, I was more focused on nurturing your scientific curiosity and satiating my desire to explore. My fifth body, however… that one, I could say I grew more careful on how I interacted with other people. Wanted to make a good first impression with the people I meet. Never really had that urge before."
Yeah, Adric could tell. He remembered his first Doctor constantly steamrolling over everyone in his path, Romana serving only as a moderate influence before she left.
"In that body, along with your instruction on what the universe held, I also wanted to help you understand that empathy and cooperation with others is a must, despite those individuals being considered, well, not inferior. But not interested in the same passions as you or being able to understand things quickly like you can." The Doctor scratched the back of his head. "But most of all, I didn't want you to isolate yourself, intentional or not."
"Isolate myself?"
The Doctor nodded his head. "Yes, isolating yourself from individuals. Keeping your distance from others because you don't believe them worth interacting with. Trust me," The Doctor smirked self-deprecatingly. "I did the same thing in my younger years. It didn't leave me with many that I could call a friend back on my home planet. Even after I developed better communication skills, I still rubbed people the wrong way and ended up making enemies out of them."
Adric felt like his mind was in a whirlwind, trying to comprehend the reasoning the Doctor had just provided him. He reached back into his memories for all the interactions he had with the Doctor, all of the times he scolded him for some type of inappropriate behavior. He always believed that the admonishments delivered were given to him out of annoyance. But if what the Doctor was saying was true…
"So, what? You were trying to teach me how to develop social skills?"
"Not the wording I would have used but close," The Doctor stated. "I wanted you to develop more worldly knowledge. To know when it was okay to show off and when you should hold your tongue. How to realize when talking down to others won't win you any favor with them."
"Why didn't you try and explain this to me in the first place?" Adric questioned, a spark of anger developing inside him. "All those months, when I was admonished for something, when I got into arguments with Tegan or Nyssa and you hardly didn't anything to break them up-!"
"I know." The Doctor rubbed at his forehead. "God, I know. I've had a long time to think about how I interacted with you and I recognize the mistakes I made. Sometimes I was so absorbed in whatever mystery was in front of us, I completely zoned on what was going on with the three of you. When I was aware of your arguments, I played the peacekeeper but couldn't quite solve the issue and you would all go back to arguing in no time at all."
"Pretty sure the main issue were our personalities clashing with each other," Adric spoke up.
"Yeah, you and Tegan were like vinegar and baking soda. You related with Nyssa somewhat better but yeah. Always exploding…But I've moved away from the point of this conversation. I apologize that I wasn't assertive enough when handling all of you. I believed if I acted more like, well, like a parent to you three it would bring about more resentment and I didn't want that. I should have. Maybe you wouldn't have felt so neglected while we were traveling together."
Adric sighed but felt the anger drain out of him. He can admit, in his own mind, that the Doctor had a point. Adric didn't have any type of meaningful parental influence that he could remember in E-Space. The Deciders weren't truly involved in the personal relationships of the people so they didn't pay attention unless it affected the peace. If the Doctor had tried the kind of traditional parenting he had seen given to other children, he would have become even more obstinate with his behavior.
"It is not all of your fault," Adric admitted with a heavy sigh. "Whether you had tried more or not, I still would have been a little swot."
"Mmh."
The both of them went silent. Adric thought about all that had been discussed between them. Looking back on their past, a lot of the issues that developed between them after Castrovalva was due to an increasing series of miscommunications between each other. Nyssa would liken all of this to one of those drama novels she pretended she didn't read in her free time. Tegan would have described them both as being 'a few stubbies short of a six-pack', whatever that meant. Adric sighed, leaned forward and put his head between his hands. His headache was making an unwelcome return.
"Do you remember the last argument we had with each other?" The Doctor asked abruptly. Adric raised his head up and gave the older male an incredulous look.
"It was a rather heated conversation," Adric said dryly. Heated was putting it mildly. 'A completely unrelenting storm of vexation that was waiting to be unleashed' was a more accurate description, at least to Adric.
"Do you still mean to follow the calculations you set up?" Adric's eyebrows furrowed with confusion.
"What?"
"Do you still mean to return to E-Space?"
…Oh. Adric sat up again. "Why are you asking?" He remembered presenting the Doctor with his findings before their encounter with the Cybermen. How easy it would be for him to return to his home universe, if he so chose to.
"I'm tired of being an outsider, Doctor. I want to go back to my own people."
He remembered feeling so frustrated with how everyone was treating him. How he believed that, even if he had no one to return to on the Terradon, at least it was familiar to him. At least he could predict how the other passengers would react to him. At least the Deciders had paid attention to him and rewarded him for his achievements.
"If you-" The Doctor paused for a moment and rubbed at his jaw. Adric cataloged that as a sign of nervousness with this new body. "If you still want to go back to your people, I can take you to them. If that is what you want."
Adric felt a lump form slowly in his throat. "You would actually do that?" He remembered how against returning to E-Space the Doctor had been. The near-petulance he displayed when the subject had been brought to the forefront.
"Yes, yes I would. I would do it for you because you deserve the choice." The Doctor leaned against the console, giving him a miniscule smile. "You know, I had one more adventure in E-Space. Accidentally traveled into another CVE and spent a month or so trapped there. Wasn't pretty. Anyways, while there, we encountered your people when they landed on a new planet. It took them three centuries but they finally settled down with a new home. Named it New Alzarius, can't really give them many points for creativity."
The lump in his throat had now migrated down into his chest making it hard for Adric to breath.
They had done it. It may have taken them all over 140,000 years, discounting how the majority of that time was spent believing themselves to be another species, but the Alzarians had managed to find a place to truly call home. He was, of course, proud of his people. After so much struggle and turmoil, the Alzarians had managed to find somewhere in the misbegotten universe that is E-Space they can truly call their own. But did he want to call it his home?
'Do I want to build a home there?' Adric posed this question to himself.
Home. He understood the term from a factual standpoint. Home was a place that you permanently resided in. It was a place where you felt the most comfortable, felt the most loved and protected. He thought about his time on Alzarius.
He hadn't really felt comfortable on Alzarius. The constant restrictions employed by the Deciders left him with a deep resentment of their authority and the society that revered them. He never really felt loved either. If he had been shown love by his parents then it had been forgotten along with every other memory he had of them. Varsh, he knew, loved him and was the only person he felt close to. Even after he left to form the Outliers, Varsh remained the one individual he could confidently say he loved. Nobody else on the planet came close, not even Draith. Protected? Adric withheld a snort. Oh sure, a good front was put up and made the residents feel safe through the rigid rules established.
'Not like that saved them from being attacked by the Marshmen,' Adric recalled the utter panic that consumed the colony as Mistfall brought about violence and death. The citizens hid within the bowels of the Starliner while politics was played among the leaders. So no, Adric hadn't felt protected there. The only time he felt any amount of confidence of being kept safe was with his brother and…
And the Doctor. Adric could admit, with an abundance of data, that the lifestyle the Doctor engaged in wasn't what could be described as 'healthy' or 'conducive to a lasting lifespan.' He knew it. The Doctor knew it. Anyone who has ever encountered the Doctor for even a minute knew it. But that didn't stop you from being enthralled by the Doctor. You may not completely understand what he's saying or doing at the moment but you can't help wanting to stay within his orbit. It doesn't stop you from wanting to know more about him and what he does. And when death and mayhem have overtaken your world, the safest place you can think of in that moment is by the Doctor. Because you knew, as Adric has seen transpire countless times, the Doctor would do anything to keep those he called friends safe from harm.
'He may not succeed all the time, but the Doctor will always do what he can to make sure you survive. He will always try, no matter what.' Adric, for the sake of it, considered the other two points regarding a home, with the Doctor substituted in.
He could confess, in the safety of his mind, that being aboard the TARDIS had been the most liberating time of his life. Away from the limitations and constant supervision, he was free to pursue an unlimited number of subjects, as many as his heart desired. And with the Doctor and Romana, he was around people who encouraged his scientific curiosity beyond the scope of his home planet. With them, he realized he didn't need to worry about suppression. He was comfortable.
Adric returned his attention to the Doctor. The older male was quiet, watching him with that unfathomable gaze that seemed to be present in every body he went through. He projected a veneer of calm as he waited for Adric to come to a decision. But Adric could see something beyond it, if only for a second. It could have been anticipation. Perhaps residual guilt from their discussion. It could have been every choice that existed on the spectrum of emotions but Adric could make out one that was more prominent from the others.
Trepidation.
For some reason, Adric recalled a day where the four of them were cruising through the time vortex. Nyssa had brought out a book of quotes she had found in the library, remarking on how interesting some of the sayings in the book were. They had spent several hours flipping through the pages, arguing over which phrase sounded the best or ones that made no sense. He remembered one quote that Nyssa had especially loved.
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was."
The original person who stated the quote could never be confirmed, so it remained listed as Unknown. He thought about that quote as he looked the Doctor in the eye. He knew that the Doctor would abide by any decision that he made right now. If Adric decided that he wanted to settle on New Alzarius, the Doctor would find a way to take him there. Even if it broke his hearts he would do it because that was what Adric wanted. Because he cared, he would let Adric go even though he just got him back.
And that just solidified his decision. Really it had already been made long before this conversation.
"No," Adric murmured quietly. "No," he said louder, giving the Doctor a firm look, the older alien looking surprised. "I don't want to go back to my people. I want to stay and travel with you again. If I'm still welcome, that is."
Adric watched the Doctor as apprehension turned into confusion, to shock, to finally a joy so potent that he wondered if the Doctor was somehow broadcasting his feelings into the air or was the TARDIS doing it for him. Then he forgot about it as he was pulled forward into another hug, this one strong enough to knock the air out of his lungs.
"Oh dear boy," The Doctor whispered into his hair. "There is nothing I would love more."
'Yes,' Adric thought as he hugged the Doctor back. 'Maybe this can be my home again.'