Of Family Conflicts Part IV.
"We have talked this over so many times and every time you bulldoze through anything I say and won't even compromise a little! You want me to obey you and take a job that would destroy me from within. You are supposed to be my dad, someone that loves me unconditionally, but these days it feels like you want to be my master and have me as just an obedient slave. I will not be your puppet anymore! I no longer need you in my life, so please don't even try to contact me once I walk out that door," Wes snapped, grabbing his bag. Tim picked his own up, not even looking at Nick, as Wes wrenched the front door open. They stepped outside, Wes symbolically throwing his house keys back inside to land at his father's feet, before he slammed the door shut with all the force that he could muster…
Nick headed for the door then, intending to run after them, but as he placed his hand on the door handle, he heard a low voice behind him, one that seemed to drip with venom…
"Don't you dare! Don't you dare make this day any worse than it already is by charging out into the street and screaming at them, letting the whole world know exactly what is going on! You have done more than enough damage for one day without going on to publicly humiliate us all as well!"
Nick spun round to face his husband, and snapped back, "He is not getting away with talking to me like that! He is making a huge mistake and I need to stop him!"
"The only person that has made a huge mistake in all of this, as far as I can see, is you. Can you still not comprehend that you are the person that has driven Wes to this choice, that you are the one that has driven our only son away? All that he ever wanted was the chance to live out his own dreams, but oh no, you could not even let him have that! Yes, he might well have failed at the first hurdle, but that is actually allowed to happen, because that is how we as humans learn things. I actually think that the only thing you were concerned about here was how his failure as a baker might reflect on you; that seems to be all that you care about these days. Well, you have ensured now that if he does fail at his dreams, none of the people in this city will know, because he is gone, probably forever. I wouldn't blame him if we never saw him or Tim again either, because the man that I can see standing in front of me is not the man that I fell head over heels in love with at school and ended up being married to. Still, I should have guessed that this would happen; after all, don't they say that we all turn into our dads as we get older?"
"I am nothing like him!" exclaimed Nick in disbelief at what his husband had just said.
"Oh, really?" hissed Jeff in reply, his eyes already filling up with tears. "He tried to control you and all you did in your life as well, remember. He tried to turn you into something that you had no desire to be. He disliked everything that you wanted to do with your life and the fact that you loved me, so he tried to take you to a camp and make you into the person he wanted you to be. That is exactly what you have been doing to our boy, but fortunately you did not resort to physical violence! If you really cannot see the similarities now that I have set them out before you, then you have a serious problem…"
Nick looked at Jeff for a moment, but it was a scornful look; then he shook his head and said, "Wes hasn't won yet. I wonder if Trent knows anyone at the TSA…"
"If you even start to dial Trent's number right now, then the next place you will see me will be in the divorce courts; that is no idle threat but a promise!" snarled Jeff, his face red with rage, so close to running over to his husband and slapping him hard. He did not, abhorring violence as he did, and angry at himself for feeling how he did; in any case, his vision was blurring now as the tears overwhelmed his eyes. As he stood there, he felt a rush of air as Nick swept past him, then heard the door of his study slam as his husband shut himself away. Jeff swiped at his tear-filled eyes, his heart breaking into hundreds of pieces as around him his family fell apart. Then he knew what he had to do, and with a heavy heart he headed upstairs to the bedroom. As he did so, he sent a text to Trent, one that he was certain was full of spelling errors, telling him that he was to ignore any text or call from Nick for the remainder of the day; he implored him to, saying that he would explain why he was asking later…
Meanwhile, in his study, Nick had switched on his computer as soon as he sat down at his desk, so angry that his husband was not supporting him; he should be backing him up if he truly cared for Wes. He decided to take a look at the TSA website, to see if there was any portal through which he could report his son as a risk… There was, but there was also a list of the penalties that would be meted out to anyone giving false information; he assumed correctly that if he reported that either Wes or Tim was dangerous and should not be allowed to travel, then he would find himself being fined, publicly shamed or worse still, end up in prison.
He then pondered if he could instead send a message to someone in charge at JFK, and have them inform Wes and Tim that Jeff had been rushed into hospital – they probably wouldn't care if it was him – but then realised that even if that plan did work, then things would be worse than prison for him, as the blond would never forgive him for using him as a pawn to wreck Wes' plan. No, unless he had Jeff on his side then everything would fail, so he had to talk to him and get him to see things from his point of view. If he achieved that, then perhaps he would agree to come with him to the airport to persuade Wes and Tim to stay in Manhattan. That was something that they both wanted after all…
He got up and made his way to the study door, but as he opened it, he got the shock of his life. His husband was standing at the bottom of the stairs, his summer coat and hat on, his artist's satchel across his body and a holdall in his left hand. He had a piece of paper in his right, and as he saw Nick, he spoke. "I was going to leave you a note… I am going to Port Jefferson right now. I need to get away, I just can't be here right now…"
Nick's heart pounded in his chest, and he gasped, "No Jeff, we need…"
"No, Nick, we don't. Just so there is no confusion here, I am going to Port Jefferson alone, and you will not follow me, or indeed contact me. Right now, I just can't be anywhere near you. I will always love you, that will never alter, but at this moment, well I don't like you very much… I will be back, that much I can say, but only when I feel less…" Jeff shook his head then, feeling close to breaking down, and he had to be strong, because that was the only way Nick would realise what he had done. He walked to the front door, opened it, and then he was gone, more quietly than Wes…
As he headed down the street, Jeff kept his head bowed, staring intently at the sidewalk; he knew his way to the subway by now, so he did not need to look ahead, or indeed back at where he had been. He also wanted to hide the fact that his vision was now blurred by the tears that he was allowing to flow unchecked now, his heart aching from the way that his entire world had been turned on its head in the last hour. He had never even contemplated the notion that his son would leave the country; he had imagined that he might leave the city, but this was on a whole other level…
What made it all so much worse was the fact that Wes had not warned him; he felt that he had been betrayed by the two most important men in his life, holding his husband and son both responsible for the situation that he now found himself thrust into. His heart ached for Tim as well, because he had been caught up in all of the drama solely because of the love that he felt for Wes. He wondered then if his son had ever properly consulted Tim about his plan before he made it a fait accompli, and left him with no other option but to follow him across the ocean to another continent; he suspected that like his father, Wes would have acted alone…
He finally looked up when he reached the top of the steps that led into the subway station, not entirely sure how he had managed to negotiate the busy streets and avenues between there and home without incident, but he hazarded a guess that there might have been an angel on hand to steer him there safely. He was a little surprised that they had not made him aware of the fact that they were present, but he had a feeling that they would not disapprove of his decision to put a little space between him and Nick right now. How long he would need to be away from his husband for was not something that he could quantify right now; he knew that it would not be forever, but he also knew that he wasn't going to be heading home the following day…
By the time that he walked onto the main LIRR concourse at Penn Station, his tears had stopped flowing, although he knew that his eyes must be red raw. Confronted with the line of ticket machines, he did not hesitate to select a one-way ticket to Port Jefferson; glancing at the monitors, he saw that there was one good thing that day… He hastened to the platforms, as his next train was due to depart within five minutes.
He found a seat in a virtually empty coach, glad to have plenty of space, then sat in silence as the whistle was blown and the train headed out of the city, staring out of the window. The rows of apartment blocks gave way to houses and then to green spaces. The train made stops and eventually he was alone in the coach; he was grateful that it wasn't a busy train, as he was sure he looked a wreck, and he did not want to have to ward off the questions and enquiries of a well-meaning stranger. As he had sat there, he had felt his cellphone vibrate more than once in his coat pocket, but he had purposefully ignored it, suspecting that the messages were coming from either one of two people, and he wasn't ready to deal with either of them. However, as the train moved off from Stony Brook station, he decided that he had to check it, because he did not know whether he would keep it switched on once he left the train…
There were two texts in response to his one to Trent, the first apologising for not replying sooner, telling him that he would do as he asked, and asking if everything was okay; the second informed him that Trent was available 24/7 whenever Jeff wanted to talk, and that he loved him. What surprised Jeff was that one of the other messages on his phone was from Wes, telling him that he loved him and that he was sorry that he had ended up hurt, but that he felt there was no other choice. The last message was from Tim, saying much the same as Wes had, but adding that as soon as they were in Germany and safe in their new home, he would text Jeff again…
There was no message from Nick, and whilst some would have been hurt by that, it actually made Jeff happy; it meant that his husband had actually listened to his wishes and was giving him the space he needed… Then a little evil voice in the back of his mind piped up, spreading the idea that Nick had not texted him because he hated him so much and was glad to be rid of him. The voice sounded like that of his biological father, and he shouted it down inside his head. He was sure that wasn't true, because he would have felt that strain on their soulmate bond.
Then the train was pulling into the station at Port Jefferson, and he switched his phone off completely then; as he stepped out of the train, he saw that he was one of only half a dozen people that had made the trip, which meant that he could easily get a taxi. He did not recognise the driver, which was a relief, and after he had him stop by the grocery store so that he could pick up the basics to sustain himself for a couple of days, he had them drive him out to the beach house. It was strange to think that only that morning Wes and Tim had been there, and now they could be airborne and leaving him far behind. Jeff smiled sadly as he placed the perishable items in the fridge, then having poured himself a glass of juice, he headed for the bedroom, where he lay down on the bed; soon the exhaustion of the day hit him, and he fell asleep…
When the door had closed behind Jeff, Nick had stood frozen to the spot in the hallway, his brain not functioning at all momentarily as the full enormity of the situation he had created for himself hit him. Jeff was gone, Wes was gone, and he had no idea when either of them would return – or if they ever would. The big house in the West Village was no longer the comfortable family home that it had been, but an empty hollow shell, the love that had once filled it gone with three of the people that had lived there. It then dawned on him that if the worst should happen, should Jeff decide he wanted no more to do with him, then he would be the one that would need to leave; it was Jeff's house, not his. It had been theirs once, but now he felt like an unwelcome presence in the building, an interloper that had come in and destroyed all that had once been good within the walls of the brownstone building…
He recovered a little of his brain function at that thought, but he also knew instinctively that there was no point in racing after his husband, as that would make things worse. He took comfort from the fact that Jeff had said that he still loved him; for now, he needed to respect his wishes and leave him alone. He knew too that there was no point in sending a message to Wes, or even Tim, as the latter would ignore him and as for the former, well he would probably block his number, had he not already done so. He found that he could not blame his son for doing that if he had; he deserved nothing less given the amount of disrespect that he had shown for his boy…
As was so often the case in human existence, Nick now saw the error of his ways all too clearly, but it was too late, and no amount of hindsight could make up for the fact that the worst had already occurred. He found his eyes misting over, unaware that his husband was suffering from the exact same issue; with a sigh, he made his way carefully down to the kitchen; he found that the room seemed to be filled with the echoes of happier days now, ghosts of those good times that he had just single-handedly destroyed. The room felt a lot like it had to him on the morning that Caleb had died, as if everything in the world had suddenly been spun off its axis. In a way, that was true. Half of what made him whole was gone…
When the news came out that his son had left and why, and that Jeff had also left temporarily, then the shockwaves would reverberate around their little group, spreading throughout the world. He knew that there would be an equal wave of disbelief and disapproval heading squarely in his direction. A part of him railed at that prospect, as all he had been trying to do was keep his son safe from misery and pain; was that not something that any good parent would do? If Wes did not appreciate that fact then maybe he was in the wrong, not Nick; in fact, wasn't Jeff in the wrong too?
At that moment, Nick felt a strong draught in the room; he sighed, as he knew exactly what was coming next. He looked up, suddenly filled with defiance, but that quickly disappeared when he saw Wes Montgomery standing before him, his wings outstretched and his gavel clutched firmly in his hand, looking for all the world like a certain drawing that had given his husband the global fame that he deserved. Nick knew that he was about to be judged…
Wes did not speak at once, his eyes boring into the very depths of Nick's soul, which made the brunet quiver in fear. Seeing that, Wes sighed and sadly shook his head. "Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas, what have you done? I have to admit that I have never felt quite so disappointed in one of my fledglings before as I feel about you at this precise moment. How could my Dove of peace, the person who when he is at work can bring the warring peoples of the world to peace, tolerance and acceptance, be the same man that has just torn his own family asunder? Yes, you did it with the best of intentions, to try and save your son from pain, but all you have succeeded in doing is creating pain of the worst sort. You have driven that poor boy away, filled with the kind of anger and resentment that can easily lead to murder and vengeance in the works of the playwrights of the world. You have shattered the heart of your soulmate into a million pieces, and he might never forgive you entirely for doing this, no matter what happens in the future; to be frank, I would not blame him if he never forgave you. He kept warning you that you needed to back down, cautioned you that the path you were heading down led only to disaster, but you brushed aside his pleas and ignored his opinions. You seem to have forgotten that he was also your son's dad. Now, much as I hate to say this, I very much doubt that my namesake will heed any apology that you make to him, and again, I would not blame him for taking that position. The fact is that Wes too will start to suffer just as you and Jeff are suffering; once the initial elation he feels at achieving what he perceives as a victory over you fades, he will realise what he has given up and lost by moving thousands of miles from home…"
"I was just trying to save him from pain, Wes!" Nick said, trying to defend himself. "He was just so completely invested in the idea of being a baker, so sure that everything would be wonderful because of the fact that all of his fellow students at Dalton loved his baking; trying to make him realsie what he was failing to see. He was oblivious to the harsh reality of the real world; he could not see that here in New York he would be up against hundreds of other bakers, some of whom might just be better than he was…"
"Oh, I understand that Nicholas, but what you seem to have failed to grasp is that sometimes we have to allow the people we love to fail so that they can grow as human beings. I would never have wanted to watch as Wes saw all of his dreams fall apart either, but sometimes it is better that we do just watch it happen and be there afterwards to help them pick up the pieces and rebuild. Unfortunately, what you now need to do first is pick up the pieces of your own shattered life. I would say that you need to regain Jeff's trust first; not his love, because that will never vanish, but you need to restore his faith in your ability to make the right decisions again. That is not something that will occur overnight; it may take months or even years. Right now, he is hurting, and although he has blocked everything out all his life, the pain he is feeling right now is exactly the same pain that he felt when his biological father abandoned him in that orphanage as a little boy. All that he was sure of in the world was shattered then, just as it has been now, and he will feel that he can no longer put his faith in anything or anyone…"
Wes paused, and then his tone, which had been harsh and accusatory softened a little, as did his gaze on the man before him. "The truth is that you already know all of this, don't you Nick? The fact that you do and the knowledge that you have caused all of it is weighing down on you now, and the dam that you built to hold back all of the emotions that this situation has created is about to burst open. I think that if you really want to sort everything out, then you have to allow that dam to fail and let all of the pain you feel now roll out in a wave…"
Had a psychiatrist said those words to him, Nick would have rolled his eyes pointedly then walked away, but the fact that those words had come from the mouth of Wes Montgomery meant they had a horrible ring of the truth to them. Almost at once, he began to feel overwhelmed by emotion, all his defiance swept away as the reality of the situation struck him like a tidal wave. If he had done to a nation or a people what he had done to his own family, then he would have been fired from the United Nations without delay, and rightly so. He let out a gasping sob and then the tears came as his heart finally shattered as Jeff's had earlier. All of the logic he had clung to about the fact his decisions were correct was now replaced with the heartfelt emotion that should always have guided his responses. As that built, the dam burst and the full tsunami hit, and in no time at all he was reduced to a blubbering mess, his head down on the kitchen table, his body shaking violently…
Wes did not move to comfort him; his own anger at how pig-headed and stupid Nick had been making it impossible for him to do so. Nick had to be punished, and that fact meant he could not allow his own emotional response to occur. Instead, he left the room and headed to the upper apartment at the end of the street, where he knew Mike was currently home on his own, Tina and the children out on a shopping expedition to purchase new clothing for their summer vacation. On feeling the draught, Mike looked up; his initial smile was quickly replaced when he saw how serious Wes looked, a shiver running through his body as he feared momentarily that some disaster had befallen his family.
"Mike, I am sorry to bother you, but I need you to head to Niff's house straight away; let yourself in and head immediately down to the kitchen. Nick needs you, although I seriously doubt that he actually realises that at this precise moment…"
Mike nodded, always happy to oblige when his old friend requested it, but before he could ask what was going on, the angel was gone. That fact made Mike more worried than he had been, as now he wondered what disaster had hit the Sterling-Duvals. He grabbed his jacket, scribbled a note to Tina explaining where he had gone, then hastened along the street to the house three doors down. He let himself in with the spare key that had been in his possession ever since he had been their roommate, and as soon as he entered, he was startled to hear the sound of deep sobbing echoing up from the floor below. He wondered then where Jeff was, or Wes for that matter, then his blood seemed to freeze in his veins as he pictured a scenario in which neither of those people were able to come. He put his jacket on the rack and nearly sprinted down the stairs to find that Nick had fallen apart. He immediately came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his friend, not that Nick even noticed, so buried was he in his pain. He was completely broken, all of the sorrow in the world now passing out of him unchecked…
It would be almost half an hour later before Nick's tears finally subsided and he came back into the room. He realised at once that he was no longer alone, that there were arms around him; he knew instinctively however that the person holding themselves close to him and trying to comfort him was not his husband. He looked up and saw that it was Mike, his face etched with concern and tears in his own eyes…
"Wes told me to come and be here for you," Mike began in a soft voice. "He didn't tell me why and you don't need to tell me why either if it is too much for you…"
Nick thought for a moment, glad that Mike was such a caring friend, but then he wondered how he would react when he told him what had caused his breakdown. Much as he did not want to say anything, he knew that it would all come out soon enough, so with a sigh, he said, "No, I have to tell you what is going on, because the whole world will know soon enough. I've screwed up, Mike. I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I can see that now, with the benefit of hindsight; I know now that I was wrong to deny my son his dreams, because even if he did fail, he would have survived that with myself, Jeff and Tim there to support him. Instead, I stood as judge and jury on his future ambitions, and did everything I could to prevent him from doing what he always dreamed of; I stopped him from being a baker…"
Mike looked surprised at Nick's words, but he said nothing, so Nick went on. "However, what I failed to remember is how smart my son is, and well, now he is gone. Him and Tim, both of them off to live in Germany, for as long as it takes for Wes to qualify as a certified baker over there. He is going to be a certified konditormeister… It may be that they stay there forever if they like the life that they can have over there, and why wouldn't they? Coming back here means coming back to me, public enemy number one to my son. It is something that I deserve to be, that much is true, for all that I did…"
"It all exploded this morning, in less than an hour. Wes was never coming back here to stay; it was just a stopover before their flight. Of course, him and Tim leaving was traumatic for Jeff… He was very upset and so angry with me for allowing this whole situation to occur, and the upshot is that he is gone too; packed his bag and headed off to Port Jefferson. He told me that he didn't like me very much right now and that he couldn't stay here; told me not to try and contact him, that he will be in touch with me when he is ready… He said that he still loves me, so there is that, but honestly, I really wouldn't be surprised or blame him if he never comes back either. Even if he does, he will never forgive me for my role in Wes leaving us. So, there it is, I have managed to destroy my family, and there is no-one else to blame for it all. Just me…"
Nick was quiet for a moment, then said in a less emotional voice, "You should get yourself back home now; I will be okay, and you have a family that needs you and loves you…"
To say that Mike was stunned by the whole of what he had just heard would not have been an understatement; he had been aware that things were not great between father and son, but exactly why had been a mystery. Now that he knew, he was shocked, as he would never have imagined Nick as the kind of father that would deny their child their dreams. However, Nick was a friend, and he was in pain, so he knew where he had to be for now…
"I left a note, so Tina knows that I am here and honestly, I am not ready for the dozens of questions that she will doubtlessly ask me when she finds out you are here alone and upset. I don't know all the circumstances that led to all of this, and honestly, I am not sure that I either need or want to. My entire focus for now is on seeing that you are okay, because honestly, the way that you were sobbing when I got here had me thinking that someone had died… I see all of you as family, so I think that allows me to say this. Jeff loves you, but he hates drama, so he needed some space away from it all. He will definitely be back though, when he feels he can cope with it all, because he can't live his life happily without you in it. I know that, because I used to live with the two of you; you are so emotional because you can't live without him either…"
"As for Wes, well I must admit that I can see his point of view, having been there myself with my father; you might say that I have already bought that T-shirt. However, I can't imagine that he will be mad with you forever either. Like his papa, he loves you; honestly, his desire for being a baker stems from your love of it, and he will remember that in time. I think that once he is qualified, he will want to come home, if for no other reason than the most basic one that all children have when they do something their parents don't approve of. He will want to come and say, "See, I told you I could succeed in this!". He will want to come back and show you that you were wrong…"
Nick did not reply, as he did not have Mike's confidence that Wes would want to do that, nor his faith that his relationship with Jeff could ever be the same again. He had been the one to drive their son away and that altered everything; even if his husband did return, things at home would be so very different. He had messed everything up. What was worse was that he had upset Wes Montgomery too, and no Warbler ever wished to have the disapproval of their Head Warbler. Of course, this was only the start of the problems for him; soon, the news would come to the ears of his friends and neighbours, and there would be a reaction. He did not know what would be worst then; the silent judgements or the unwanted two cents of reaction that would undoubtedly come from some of them…