A/N: Happy Holidays to all! Sorry for the delay. On top of deciding to rewrite this chapter and the next two, I hurt two of my fingers. It makes typing painful, so I stopped for a while. Right now I need to do daily exercises to help them heal. I find out in two months if I need surgery or not. Hopefully not. I'm hoping the exercises correct the tendons so surgery won't be necessary. But there might be more delays between rewriting the next few chapters and my fingers hurting. Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. You know what a great present would be for me? Reviews lol ;) Also, while I always try to be realistic, this story is FICTION and certain details/events are just for the sake of my storyline. So for those of you who have been through (or are currently going through) chemo, I apologize if it's not accurate. But I need it to go this way for a reason. Still, I did my best to be at least somewhat realistic. Just please don't yell at me for not being 100% medically accurate. It's fiction. It's just meant for fun. And drama. "That's not how it works." I know. This isn't real life. I'm making it up for fun, with only minimal research to keep it plausible. Please keep that in mind and I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 8
Rachel's first round of chemotherapy is anti-climatic. It's very similar to her normal treatments. They check her vitals, hook the IVs up to her chest port, monitor her for a while, then leave. Then she sits and tries to ignore the increasingly uncomfortable sensations. The symptoms are worse with chemo than with her normal treatments; a fact she's not thrilled about. The treatment last several hours, which is also similar to what she's already used to. She starts vomiting an hour in. Everyone wanted to go to support her. However, between their jobs and the tiny cubicles (and restrictions from the clinic), they can't. Her husband and parents come. They hold the basin under her while she vomits. Her mom rubs her back while her husband holds her hand. They do their best to distract her and comfort her as needed. She stays awake despite feeling awful. She listens to the nurse explain the new way she has to pee while she stares at the woman like she grew a second head in front of her.
"Are you serious?"
"Your body is expelling harsh chemicals. Poisons. So yes."
"Which is currently coursing through her veins." Finn says with a glower.
"And will cause me to lose my hair."
Her fingers are running through her hair as she speaks. It's a nervous habit she has developed since accepting this inevitability. She's made a few jokes about it, but it's honestly upsetting to think about. One of the things she was happy about with AA is she never had to worry about that. She had plenty to worry about, but losing her hair was never one of them. Now it is. And they said it might not take long. Her mom grabs her free hand and squeezes sympathetically. Rachel is glad she's able to leave walking under her own power afterwards, even if she moves slowly. They take her home and she settles on the couch. She's awake, but not participating in the conversation much. She curls up in the corner, leaning against the arm of the couch with her legs tucked under her and her arms loosely crossed on her stomach. She mostly listens, only interjecting a comment here and there. The men get up and head to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. Rachel looks to her mom and takes note of the odd look on her face.
"What?"
Her mom slowly shakes her head, her eyes sad. "That seems to be your preferred 'comfort' position."
"What do you mean?"
"I just had an…uncomfortable flashback to your high school years. You'd get into that position, sitting just like that, when you weren't feeling well. Not horribly, because then you'd be curled up in a ball lying down or stretched out on the couch. But when you really weren't feeling well, that's how you'd sit on the couch."
"I—I hadn't realized."
"You sat that way a lot in your junior year." Her mom says quietly.
Understanding the connection her mom is making, Rachel wishes she could comfort her or reassure her. She can't. There's no guarantee she won't get that bad. In fact, she feels nearly that bad. Instead, Rachel responds bluntly.
"Well I feel pretty shitty at the moment." Her mom chuckles and Rachel is surprised she's not being reprimanded. "So…I'm 23, an adult, and married now…..does this mean I can curse in front of you without being yelled at or given a dirty look?"
Her mom grins. "You can curse because you're going through hell. You could have cursed more as a teenager while sick and I wouldn't have fussed."
"Are you serious?" Rachel bemoans. "Damn. Missed opportunities."
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Dr. McCann doesn't want to overwhelm her already weak system, but he doesn't want to drag this out any longer than necessary, so she's getting chemo every day for five days. It sucks that she'll have to go in every day for five days in a row, but then she has a week off. During her week off, she'll have an appointment with him to check her numbers and discuss next steps. If all goes well, she'll repeat it the following two weeks. Then she'll have another week off, then be admitted to the hospital for the final prep for the transplant. If not, she'll stop the chemo and they'll decide the best course of action based on her condition. Her first day off chemo is spent mostly sleeping. Finn goes back to work and her parents stay to take care of her. It's odd being taken care of by them in her own home. They also take her to her next chemo, which is spent alternating between sleeping and vomiting. She hates how weak she feels. Tiredness had already been her main symptom. Now, with the chemo, it is full on fatigue and she hates it. She has zero energy.
Her parents head home the following day and her NY family happily steps up. Santana and Brittany, both of whom have (or possibly took) the day off, spend their time with her doing her hair into various styles and taking pictures. They all know she'll be losing her hair soon and want to help it not be too upsetting for her. Rachel already broke down crying a little in front of them. but managed to pull herself together quickly. They assured her that it's completely understandable and she can cry as much as she needs to with them. For now, the girls are highly amused and laughing at some of the crazier styles they do. Rachel appreciates it but knows that once her hair actually starts falling out she'll be a mess. Hopefully not for long. In the grand scheme of things, it's not major and doesn't matter. But she really likes her hair. And she really likes her hair being played with. Her family knows this and has been making sure to accommodate that for as long as they can. She also told them in no uncertain terms not to even consider shaving their own heads in solidarity. They'd shrugged, but she caught some signs of relief. Except in Finn. She has a feeling she'll have to repeat it with him later, in private.
The final chemo treatment of the week is spent with Blaine and Sam. The men distract her until she's feeling too unwell to participate in their conversation. Then they do their best to comfort her. They take her home after and stay with her until Finn gets home. She falls asleep not long after sitting on the couch. Finn kisses her awake when he gets home and asks what she wants for dinner. Nothing. She has no appetite. He sighs and makes soup, which he begs her to at least try to eat. She manages a little of it.
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The following week is the opening of Mike's new dance show. They were all planning to go. When Rachel brings it up to Finn, he sets his drink down and frowns at her.
"We're not going."
"I was thinking about it. I'll wear a medical mask the whole time. I know I have chemo the next day, so instead of staying overnight as planned we can head home after the show. I'll sleep on the plane."
Finn's frown deepens, his brow furrowing. "Babe, it's not safe. And we've seen Mike's shows before."
"This is a new one! And he's the lead!"
"I get it. I know you want to go and support him. But you need to focus on your health. That means staying home and missing out on his new show."
Rachel's immediate reaction is to continue arguing. However, she realizes quickly that he's right and she's being ridiculous. She's not even sure why. It's obvious she won't be able to go. She just hates it. She nods.
"Right."
Instead, she calls Mike. She wishes him luck and apologizes for her (and by default Finn) not being able to go to his show. He was completely understanding, not having expected her to come.
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Finn watches his wife struggle to cook dinner for them. She'd insisted, having realized how long it's been since she actually cooked a meal for them on her own. Rachel had started out standing at the counter but became too tired. When he tried to gently suggest she let him take over, she'd snapped at him so he'd backed off. She's sitting at their kitchen table chopping the vegetables and meat. She looks to the counter, where the other ingredients are with a forlorn expression. Tears well in her eyes. She's too tired to stand. Unable to stay back any longer, he enters the kitchen, grabs the spices and measuring tools off the counter, and casually puts them in her reach on the table. He leaves without a word. He's not really sure why, but he sees how much she needs to do this.
He puts on the tv and tries to ignore the sounds of her working in the kitchen. He glances to Yero asleep on the kitchen floor. Rachel has had several more moderate attacks. They're not following the same timeline as before. During her first time facing AA, her attacks came every 2-3 weeks. The second time they were more sporadic but also less frequent. Now, her third time facing this, is a combination of the two. They're more frequent than last time but also more sporadic. Unpredictable. It makes it all the more frightening and stressful. Thankfully, Yero has become adept at sensing her attacks coming even when asleep. He'll jerk awake and run to her to alert her as long as they're in the same room. Finn is terrified of the possibility of a severe attack hitting her. He's woken up in a sweat twice from nightmares of her dying during a severe attack. Those nights, after calming his frantic heart, he'd gently pulled her into his arms. That calmed him more than anything else ever could.
His favorite part of the day is when they slide into bed together to sleep. It's just the two of them and he holds her close. It feels like before, when she was healthy; except she's thinner now and sometimes flinches lightly from pressure on her bruises. Still, just holding one another brings them both comfort. He loves the feel of her body against his. He likes when his face is pressed into her hair, smelling her shampoo. That's starting to go. Larger and larger clumps are appearing when she brushes. So far, she's ignoring it. He's pretending to ignore it, but its actually keeping careful watch on her emotions after washing or brushing her hair.
After some time has passed, he can't stay away. Agitated and nervous, he heads into the kitchen. His heart jumps when he finds her standing at the stove. Knowing she'd be upset if he took over or tried to get her to sit, he thinks of an alternate plan. He steps up behind her and slides his arms around her waist. As she always does, she leans back into him. He holds her firmly and kisses her head, making his way down the side of her face and neck, kissing her shoulder before standing to his full height again. He sways gently, like they're dancing. She smiles softly and moves with him, still stirring the dinner. Finally, she turns off the burner and turns in his arms so her front is pressed to his. She slides her arms around his neck and hums a melody. Husband and wife slowly dance around their kitchen. Her eyes sparkle up at him and he leans down to capture her lips. She kisses him back before pulling away.
"Dinner's ready."
He smiles at how proud she is. Despite her fatigue and not feeling well, she cooked one of their favorite meals. He inhales deeply.
"It smells great, babe."
They eat together and talk casually. There's nothing special about this night. But there is something special in the warm normalcy it brings.
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Everything looked good during her appointment with Dr. McCann, so they proceed with the current plan. The second week of chemo seems harder on her. They suspect it's because she's been without her needed AA treatments for three weeks, plus the chemo on top of it. It's wreaking havoc on her body. She fainted twice that week. She took more naps. She vomited more. She dropped to one meal a day and two little snacks. Finn picks up protein shakes to replace her missed meals. The evening after her second chemo treatment of the week Finn found her sitting on the closed toilet with tears streaming down her face.
"Babe?"
She sniffles and holds up her hand. In her fist is a large clump of hair. "It's really falling out."
He nods and responds softly. "Yeah. It is. What do you want to do?"
"What do you mean?"
He shrugs. "We could go to a salon and have them professionally shave your hair off. We could wait until it falls out on its own. We could wait until it's nearly all out, then shave it off ourselves or in a salon. It's your call."
She sighs and looks down at the hair in her hand. She's silent for several moments. "I think watching bald spots appear on my head would be more upsetting than just shaving it off. It's definitely falling out. That much is clear. There is a bald spot, but it's in the back and hidden by the top layer."
He'd noticed. He's been running his fingers through her hair more often lately, knowing they both enjoy it and that he won't be able to do it for much longer. Not wanting to upset her, he hadn't said anything or let on that he'd noticed.
"So what do you want to do? Shave it off now? Call a salon?"
"I would prefer that a professional do it. But I don't want to go to a salon."
"We could schedule it for either the last appointment of the day and request that you be alone in the salon. If we tell them why, I'm sure they'll understand."
"Maybe." She bites her lip. "I wonder….I wonder if Marcus would be okay with coming here and doing it. I don't want him to feel like he has to, though."
Finn smiles. "Marcus loves you. Or, you know, at least really cares about you. No matter what he says, I'm positive he did leave Funny Girl to follow you to Wicked. You could at least ask him."
"I think I will."
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Marcus is helping the new Elphaba paint her arms green when his phone rings. He glances at it where it sits on the counter. He's expecting a call from his boyfriend about their plans later tonight, so he's surprised when the name Rachel Hudson flashes on his screen. He freezes.
"What's wrong?" Jenna asks.
He's not a fan of her. He knows he's kind of biased to prefer Rachel, but Jenna doesn't treat him as kindly as Rachel did; she treats him like the help and like he's beneath her. She's also not as talented a singer, which is why Rachel had gotten the role over Jenna. But then Rachel got sick and here they are. And here is Rachel calling him. He sets down his tools and picks up his phone. They all know Rachel Hudson is out of work until she's healthy again. He displays the phone screen to Jeanine, the head makeup artist. She gasps.
"Answer it!"
He steps into the hall and answers the phone. "Hello?"
"Hi, Marcus."
"Hi!" He says in confusion. "This is a surprise. But a happy one."
"I'm sorry to call out of the blue."
"It's fine!" He insists. "What can I do for you?"
"First, please know that I'm only asking casually and it's perfectly fine for you to say no. I won't be upset or hold it against you, I promise."
He grins slightly. "Alright. I understand. Now what's this favor?"
On the other line, he hears a long sigh. "Chemo has been going as expected. And as expected, I've started losing my hair."
His heart goes out to her. He hadn't realized she'd need chemo. Jesse told them about blood transfusions. But then he sort of recalls Jesse saying something about chemo being part of the bone marrow transplant prep.
"I'm sorry." Then what she probably wants clicks. "Do you want me to shave it off for you?"
"Would you mind? I don't want to go to a salon, but I also want someone who knows what they're doing to do it. I know you were a hairdresser before you started working hair and makeup for shows. But again, it's okay to say no. I know it'll be weird and possibly uncomfortable."
"Girl, if you can lose your hair and have the courage to ask for help, I can handle coming over and shaving it off. How much is left?"
"Most of it. I've been losing clumps here and there, but I only have one bald spot at the moment and it's sort of hidden. I just…" She swallows. "I just don't want to watch it slowly fall out and find more and more bald spots over the next few days, you know?"
"I know." He says gently. "I'll do it. When do you want me over?"
"Do you think you can come over tomorrow morning? Late morning. I've haven't been able to get up early in weeks."
"I'll be there." He promises.
They hang up and he stands in the hallway with his thoughts racing. Kevin bumps into him. "Everything okay, Marcus?"
"I just got a call from Rachel Hudson." As expected, Kevin's eyebrows shoot up. "She's started chemo and her hair is falling out. She asked me to come shave it off tomorrow morning. Can I—"
"You're released from the morning meeting." Kevin says instantly.
"Thank you."
"Let her know we miss her and we're thinking of her."
"I will."
Before the night ends, most of the cast and crew have learned of the call and request. All are disheartened for her and grateful that Marcus is willing to step up and help her get through this. Jesse pulls him aside and thanks him. He says if he didn't have to be at the meeting, and didn't think he'd be intruding, he'd be there to support both Rachel and Marcus. Marcus appreciates it.
"Be gentle with her." Jesse tells him protectively. "She puts on a brave front and makes jokes, but inside she's really upset."
Marcus nods seriously. He thinks about it all night long and early the next morning; he couldn't sleep, so he got up and starting planning for it. If she wants him to just go in, shave her head, and leave, he will. However, since she still has a lot of hair, he thought he could make it more entertaining. He'll make the offer then go with whatever she'd prefer. He just wants her to be comfortable. He may not have left Funny Girl specifically to follow her when she started at Wicked, but it was a huge incentive. He'd been thinking of it for a while. He'd had two different shows he wanted to work on. But when she announced she was going to Wicked, which was one of his choices, that made his decision for him. He's known her for a couple years now and they've been work friends the whole time. She makes going to work more fun. Made. She made going to work more fun. He misses her humor and energy. They all do. She really was someone that could be described as "full of life".
When her husband opens the door, he is greeted warmly. They've met a few times, but haven't spoken much. He's surprised when the man asks him to step back into the hall, then follows him. His expression becomes serious.
"Before we go in there, you need to know a few things."
"Okay."
"First, she doesn't exactly look good right now. She's been losing weight, she's pale, she bruises easily, and now she's losing her hair. You haven't seen her in a while. She looks a lot worse than last you saw her. I just mean…..she actually looks sick now. And if you have a big reaction, she'll feel bad."
"I'll do my best." He swears solemnly.
"That's all I can ask. Well, that and to leave if necessary."
"What do you mean?"
"She just washed her hair for the last time. It was kind of upsetting for her. So, if she starts getting too upset or not feeling well, I might ask you to leave."
"Of course."
"Also, if you start getting too upset, please step out. Make an excuse. She doesn't need our emotions on top of hers."
"I understand."
"Thanks for doing this, Marcus."
"Well….it's Rachel."
As if that explains everything. It kind of does. The men share a smile and chuckle. He leads Marcus into their home. Their apartment is beautiful. Marcus looks around, seeing little signs of the recent changes. Yero's service animal vest by the front door. An oxygen tank sitting in the corner of the room. Pill bottles on the counter. Other than that, it's a normal and lovely apartment. He recalls Rachel telling him that her brother works in fashion, and is interested in interior design, and assumes he helped decorate. Rachel is sitting on the couch, curled into the arm with her legs tucked under her. She's looking down, reading a book. Marcus takes the opportunity to really look at her. She doesn't look terrible, just sick. But he's still glad he had both a warning and a moment to collect himself before looking her in the eyes. He puts everything else away in his mind and focuses on being there for his friend.
"Good morning, beautiful."
Rachel looks up at him with a warm smile. "Marcus!"
She sets her book down on the end table and stands. She immediately embraces him. It's only when his arms are around her that he picks up on just how skinny she has gotten. Her heavy clothes are hiding the extent of it. She lets go and steps back.
"Thanks for coming. For….doing this."
"It beats the hell out of the cast and crew meeting."
"You're not gonna get in trouble for missing it, are you?" She asks in concern.
"Not at all."
"Good."
"They all send their love. We miss you."
Her eyes light up for a moment before dimming. She smiles softly. "Thanks. Tell them I love them and miss them too."
"I will. Ready to get started?" He asks with a smile, hoping to put her at ease.
"Yeah. I figured it'd be easier in the bathroom."
He follows her. In the bathroom, there's a folding chair leaning against the wall that he assumes is for this. He spies a small stool in the shower but ignores it, realizing what it's for. It's sad to think of this strong, incredible woman whom he has always known to be full of energy to be so weak she has to sit to shower. Rachel grabs the folding chair and unfolds it. Marcus is glad to see that it has a low back so that he has full access to her hair but still gives her support. She sets the chair in front of the shower, away from the mirror.
"Hold on. I have an idea. I've been thinking about this. I can just shave it all off in one go and be done if you want. Or, we could take our time and have fun with it."
She hesitates, eyeing him uncertainly. "What do you mean?"
He grins. "I can cut your hair into ridiculous styles, slowly making my way up to a buzz cut, then shave it off. I was thinking it'd make it more fun…and be less jarring to do it slowly." And less upsetting, he hopes. "But only if you want. It's what you think would be best for you."
She smiles at him. "I'd like that."
He moves the chair so that it's facing the mirror. "That means you've gotta see all these ridiculous styles."
His goal is to make this as easy on her as possible. If he can also make her laugh, that'd be a great bonus. He starts by gently brushing her hair. Already, strands are falling out. A glimpse at her expression in the mirror shows her starting to get tense. Clearly, she noticed as well. Still, she's putting on a brave face. He pulls out his tools starts by cutting her hair. Finn watches from his position leaning in the doorway. Marcus cuts it in bizarre ways (jagged, curves, a-symmetrical etc.) and gives a commentary to each cut and what type of person (or character) could rock it. Rachel grins, but isn't laughing yet. At least she's more relaxed now. With her permission, Finn snaps pictures of each look. Then Marcus cuts it so that it's under her chin and makes it look nice.
"That's your Fanny wig length right there." She smiles, but it's a sadder, more nostalgic sort of smile. Something occurs to him. "Have you considered a wig?"
"I thought about it. I even thought about asking you to shave off all my hair at once to make a wig out of my own hair. But I don't have cancer. This chemo is just prep for the bone marrow transplant. Once I have the transplant, I won't need anymore chemo. My hair will grow back in a few months. I'm lucky." She says with a small smile.
He can tell that she really means it. Or at least, is trying to really mean it. She's looking at the positive side. She won't be bald for very long, if she compares her situation to most cancer patients. He nods and goes back to cutting. He cuts one half into a short, almost pixie-like cut and leaves the other much longer. It looks like a rocker style. It's bizarre, and yet….
"You know what? You might actually be able to pull this look off."
Rachel bursts out laughing. "There's no way!"
"With your confidence, you could." He insists. "You could make this work."
She looks at it with a critical eye, then turns to her husband. He's grinning and snapping pictures. "It's….sharp. But I agree. You could pull it off."
She shrugs. "It's different and interesting, but just not me."
"Puck will love this."
"Puck?" Marcus asks.
"Our friend. He had a Mohawk for years. He shaved it off before our wedding and has been threatening to grow it out again."
Marcus grins. "I could give you a Mohawk."
Rachel and Finn share a look and grin. "Do it."
"Okay, but I did have another style I wanted to try for you. Then I'll make the Mohawk, it just won't be a big one. Sound good?"
"That's fine."
Marcus begins cutting the longer side first, but quickly steps back, pulling the scissors away, when Rachel gasps. Worried he accidentally cut her or upset her, he looks at her reflection. Her expression is pinched with pain and her hands are gripping the sides of the chair. Finn hurries over and grabs her arm to steady her. Marcus watches in concern while Finn changes position so he can hold his wife steady while comforting her. He stands behind her and wraps his arms around her in a bear hug. She leans into him, breathing harshly. For the next minute, he watches silently as Rachel focuses on breathing through obvious pain, her already pale face losing a little more color. Finn whispers to her and rubs her arm until it ends. When she's breathing steady, Finn kisses her lightly and steps back, nodding to Marcus. Still frozen, the tall man looks to Rachel. She's sitting calmly now. She catches his gaze and smile slightly.
"Sorry. Mild attack."
"Right." He stammers. He did see the one she'd had on stage during her final performance, but he'd been too far away to make out much. Now, being this close and seeing how much it hurt her, he's left horrified that that is considered mild and she goes through it on a nearly daily basis. "You good?"
"I am now. Once they're over I'm fine."
He nods, trusting her, then resumes cutting her hair. He cuts it into a pixie style. He's not gonna lie, with her slightly larger than normal nose it's not the best style for her given a choice. But it's not bad, either. She looks kind of cute. And since she won't really have a choice, given the circumstances, it's a decent look for her.
"After your hair starts growing back, this is a good look for you." He says softly. She stares at her reflection and her bravado begins to slip. Before she can get upset, he rests a hand on her shoulder. "Ready for the Mohawk?"
"Yes, please!" Finn says eagerly.
Rachel chuckles and nods. Marcus shaves the sides and works his way up, leaving a strip of hair in the center. Then he brushes it up so it's standing as tall as it can. It's so ridiculous that they all burst out laughing. Every time she looks at her reflection she loses it, which makes Finn and Marcus laugh. He's so glad he managed to make this entertaining instead of upsetting. It takes a few minutes before they can calm themselves down, but they still have wide smiles on their faces. Rachel is still giggling. Until Marcus lifts the razor again. Her smile wavers, then falls completely. He waits patiently. She takes a deep breath, then turns to look at her husband. He gives her a supportive nod and smile. In the mirror, Rachel meets Marcus's eyes.
"Okay." She even manages a small smile.
Marcus shaves off the last of her hair. She is completely bald. The muscles around her mouth twitch as she struggles not to cry. She tries to hide it by wiping a tear with the back of her hand and resting her face on her hand. Marcus takes her free hand and squeezes it. He steps out to give her a minute with Finn to deal with being bald now. He comes back in and rifles through his messenger bag. Seeing that she's calmer now and back to neutral, he removes something and stands beside her.
"This was my mother's. She's a cancer survivor. She wore this scarf on her head a lot since it was her favorite. She called it her 'good luck' scarf, but really I think it was just her most comfortable one."
He hands her the teal scarf. Her eyes widen. "I couldn't possibly accept this!"
"Rachel, she insisted. I told you, she's a survivor. And so are you. When I told her what I'd be doing today, she insisted I give it to you, to be your good luck scarf."
Her eyes well with tears, but she's smiling. "Thank you. And thank your mother, please."
"You can thank her by letting me take a picture of you wearing it." He says gently.
"Okay. But I don't know how to put it on."
"I do. Who do you think taught her how to wrap a scarf on her head?"
Marcus takes the time to teach both of them how to properly wrap it so that it covers her head and stays secure while also being comfortable. And stylish.
"See? Fashionable. It looks good on you." He says it in a lighthearted way that has her relaxing and smiling softly.
"It does look good. Your mom has good taste." Rachel agrees. "Thank you and thank your mother."
She poses, smiling warmly for him while he snaps a couple pictures. He takes the time to have each of them practice wrapping a scarf on her head before gathering his tools. Then she stands and hugs him tight. She whispers a final 'thank you'. He hugs her as tight as he dares. Finn walks him to the door.
"Thanks, Marcus. This was hard on her, but you helped make it easier. I appreciate that."
Marcus nods. "I'm glad I could help. Reach out any time."
He's not sure what else he could do to help, but he'd be happy to try. The men shake hands and Marcus leaves the apartment. As he walks down the hallway, memories of meeting Rachel, so energetic and full of life, so eager and excited to experience everything, and so happy, funny, and kind fill his mind. He thinks of their friendship at work; their teasing and fun conversations. Marcus remembers the day she announced her relapse and how she kept her head up. He thinks of her final performance as Elphaba; the funny ad-libbed moments, the heart wrenching dramatic moments, and her awe inspiring singing. And now, he thinks of her sitting in her bathroom, trying to keep a smile on as he shaved off her hair for her. Hair she lost battling a life threatening illness. He makes it into the elevator and leans against the wall, struggling to settle his own emotions. He spends the next hour feeling off kilter. When he gets to work hours later, they all immediately question him.
"How'd it go?" Jesse asks in concern.
"How is she?" Ashley steps forward, wringing her hands.
Marcus looks around at everyone waiting eagerly for his reply. He takes a breath.
"Rachel Hudson is the most amazing woman I know."
He leaves it at that.
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Finn reenters their apartment and takes a deep breath. That went better than he feared. He isn't surprised she's no longer in the bathroom. She's sitting on their bed, her fingers lightly touching the scarf. He's sure it feels weird. He watches silently, uncertain what she needs right now. It's done. She's bald. And will be for a few months at least. Seeing a few tears fill her eyes, his mind casts about for something to say.
"This is gonna make your showers so much faster!" He says brightly. "No more long waits and having to shower with cold water because you're in there rinsing your hair for half an hour."
She gives him a tired look. "I'd rather take the long showers."
"Yeah, I know, but I'm thinking of the upsides. Shorter showers. It'll be quicker to leave 'cause you'll just have to pull on a hat or wrap a scarf instead of style your hair." That had been a mild annoyance in the past year or two. She'd take forever to do her hair because 'god forbid' a fan or critic sees her looking less than her best. Or worse, takes her picture with bad hair. "And just think! It'll stop all the drain clogs! I won't have to pull disgusting wads of hair out of the shower drain anymore!"
He's actually very happy about that. Of course he'd rather she not have to go through this, but it is a definite upside. Rachel shifts on the bed, moving so she's holding her knees, one hand half covering her face. She's laughing but sort of crying, too.
"Shut up." She croaks out.
He doesn't. He's on a roll. "And I won't have to find strands of your hair all over the place. I swear you shed more than Yero."
Her lips twitch in a semblance of a smile, but it doesn't last. His words fail him and he struggles to think of something else to say. She quickly gets more upset and covers her face with both hands.
"I look like an alien!" She wails.
Finn crawls onto the bed beside her and wraps his arms around her. "But babe, you make such a beautiful alien!"
Rachel immediately beings laughing while still crying and hits his chest. "You ass."
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Finn sent pictures of the hair adventure to their family. Half because they're funny and half so they're not stunned the next time they see her. Kurt and Blaine come over that night. They bring scarves and hats; all stylish and fashionable, of course. At first, Kurt had 'tsk'ed at the teal scarf she was wearing. But then Rachel lifted her chin and told him the story behind it. After that, he dropped the attitude and told her it was lovely. Their brothers did a good job not reacting to her sudden baldness. And they admitted that they've learned how to wrap scarves, just in case. They also pointed out that she doesn't always have to wear a scarf. She can wear any sort of hat. Since it's getting colder, she can pull on a beanie to stay warm. She looked through the pile of various hats; different colors, styles, materials, and thicknesses. She thanked them. She also admitted to hating how she looks without hair.
"You look weird." Kurt nods. She's ready to yell at him or cry when he smiles and kisses her cheek. "But still lovely."
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Her reaction to the chemo the next day was worse than any of the others. In fact, the whole day was worse. The plan was for Finn to wake her and take her to Kurt and Blaine's before heading to work and they would take her to her treatment. However, she could not get up. She cried when she tried and fell right back to sleep. Finn kissed her and called Kurt, who came up to sit with her. Even he and Blaine had trouble waking her in time to go to chemo. The bright side, which she is still struggling to face, is that being bald meant she just had to yank on a beanie instead for fussing over her hair. She'd leaned on her brothers to get down to the waiting taxi. She fell asleep against Kurt on the way there. She slept through the start of her treatment, but woke up to vomit. Awake, she told them about her headache and a nurse brought her something for it. By the end, she could barely stand. She needed a wheelchair to get to the taxi. She hated feeling this weak. She spent the ride home struggling to not throw up. She fell asleep on the couch as soon as they got her to their apartment. Kurt worked from home while Blaine went to work. He shook Rachel awake and got her to drink half a protein shake.
The next day she seemed just as bad. She had really bad fatigue and spent most of it sleeping. Puck, Sam, and Santana traded off sitting with her throughout the day. When Rachel woke in the afternoon and shuffled into the living room, Santana was sitting on her couch petting Yero. Rachel looks at Yero while gesturing to Santana.
"You let her in? Seriously?"
Yero harrumphs. Santana glares half-heartedly. "Like I'd choose to spend my day sitting watching your bald-ass sleep all day."
"My ass has always been bald. It's the rest of me that's newly bald." Rachel sasses.
"Eyebrows and all." San grins.
Rachel throws a pillow at her. That was enough to wear her out, so she slumps on the recliner with a long sigh. Their moment of light humor passing, Santana frowns.
"How're you feeling?"
Rachel lightly rubs her forehead where the scarf starts. Even though they're all family and she knows they'd never actually be mean about her baldness, she's still self conscious and prefers to keep her head covered. "Tired. And I have a headache, but I took a pill before coming out here. It should kick in soon."
"Think you could try eating something?"
"No."
"Tough. I'm gonna force you to at least drink a meal replacement smoothie."
"Fine."
She drinks a quarter of it. Seeing how hard it is for her to drink that much, Santana doesn't push her. The two women talk for a while before watching tv together and spending the afternoon making fun of the characters. Rachel tires not long into the show and falls asleep. The next time she wakes up Finn is home. He cooks dinner for them, though Rachel can't eat more than a few bites. She feels bad watching him clean up alone while she sits at the table. She keeps up a steady stream of conversation while he cleans. When he's done, he helps her stand. She figured he'd walk her back to the living room or even to bed, either would be fine with her, but he doesn't. He holds her in a very familiar position and she smiles up at him. He holds most of her weight with his arms. She leans into him and lets him hold her up while they sway. He hums and lightly dances them around the kitchen. The familiar, combined with the difference between other times they've done this, makes her sad. She shoves those negative feelings down and focuses on enjoying "dancing" with her husband.
She hates that chemo side effects last longer than her AA treatment side effects. She didn't realize how lucky she had it before. Chemo is worse than her usual treatments. Before, she'd shake off the side effects in under two hours. Now, they can last, or pop up after days. The side effects from the chemo were less over the weekend, which was a relief. But her aplastic anemia symptoms were still bad. A migraine kept her down most of Saturday morning. Despite her fatigue, she insisted on spending time writing her own music. She sat in the music room with Brittany, writing her music and having fun. Brittany gave her own commentary or just listened happily. Rachel is enjoying writing music and has a whole song finished now. It could use some polishing, but overall it's done and she's quite proud of it. A moderate attack hit on Sunday, which kept her bedridden for hours. She woke up Monday morning feeling miserable and struggling to keep a positive attitude. The best she was able to manage was neutral. Kurt, who spent most of the day with her, picked up on it quickly and steered clear of any talk of her illness, treatment, or how she's feeling. That gave her the time and emotional space to move past it. She was back to her normal "everything will be fine, I'll get through this" attitude by evening.
Despite her best efforts, and despite feeling better emotionally, she keeps thinking about her future. The bone marrow transplant will happen in a few weeks. She'll be hospitalized for about a month. Then she'll be home recuperating for months. Hopefully she'll be in remission by then and can focus on resting and regaining her strength. Then, maybe, she can be back on the stage by next summer. She wonders if they should try for kids immediately after she's back in remission or wait until she's stronger physically. She assumes she'll have to wait, which sucks since she'd wanted to be a mother soon. And that's only if she can have kids still. That makes her think about the plan she and Finn had been making months before.
"I know we said we'd move to the suburbs after having our first kid." Rachel brings up that night. "It looks like that's being put on pause for a long while. We'll be staying in the city longer than expected."
"Rachel, we hadn't fully committed to moving." He reminds her.
"I know. But we'd been discussing it. Now there's no point discussing it. We won't be making any plans for a while."
"Hey, don't worry about that. Don't even think about it. Just focus on getting better, alright?"
"And after? If we can't have kids? Do we still move to the suburbs?"
He takes her hand. "I want you to stop thinking about moving. I know you'd rather stay in the city and honestly I'm not ready to give up city life yet. No matter what, we're staying here until you're better. We'll discuss moving or not moving after you're in remission again. Until then, let's put it aside. It doesn't matter."
She can tell he really means it. He's not upset about delaying moving to the suburbs or even not moving at all. He wants to stay in the city longer and they need to focus on getting her better before anything else is decided. That helps her put her guilt over changing their potential plans away.
"Okay."
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They were both in need of a little comfort that night. Finn isn't upset about delaying or even getting rid of their plan to move. He's upset that she's so upset about everything. He wants her to relax and focus on getting better. They make love that night slowly and gently. Finn makes sure she doesn't have to move much but is still getting the closeness, and pleasure, she needs. That they both need. He had to work harder than expected to convince her that he still finds her sexy and attractive despite the loss of hair, the bruises, and being so skinny. She just doesn't get it. She is his wife. She is his world. She'll never not be beautiful to him. So he convinced her. Physically.
After, she curled into him with a contented smile and he stroked her back. He wasn't surprised she fell asleep so quickly after. He was surprised that he followed her into dreamland. He woke a couple hours later when she started shivering. Not wanting to wake her to get dressed, he covered her in warm blankets and curled around her to offer body heat. He fell back to sleep imaging she was healthy and he was stroking her hair and their kids were asleep down the hall.
It was a nice dream.
He prays it becomes their reality.
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Shelby takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. Finn sent her photos of the hair cut session as well as Rachel wearing a scarf. He also sent her a photo of Rachel bald that Rachel doesn't know about. Finn wanted the parents to be prepared and not shocked when seeing her again, so he included it and asked them not to say anything to Rachel about it. They don't want to embarrass or upset her. Her daughter has been calling her every day, so she did tell her about the hair session with Marcus from her perspective. She has also talked about how she feels about being bald now. They've discussed it and Rachel even agreed to FaceTime her once so she could see her in a scarf, but this will be Shelby's first time seeing her in person since. Rachel opens the door and smiles up at her, her eyes lighting up.
"Mom!"
Shelby swallows back her immediate reaction to her daughter's appearance and steps forward, pulling her into an embrace. The way Rachel falls into her tells her she may need a little assistance walking to a seat. The familiarity of it saddens her. She's wearing a soft gray scarf made of a thick material today, so she must be feeling cold.
"Hi, baby girl."
Rachel pulls back and leads her into the apartment. Shelby watches her closely, keeping a hand hovering nearby. Thankfully it's not needed. Rachel walks slowly and carefully, but completely under her own power. She immediately starts telling her about Kurt bursting in earlier that morning to use their bathroom because Blaine was taking too long in theirs. Apparently the men had something that had gone bad for breakfast and sent them both scrambling for the bathroom. But since they only have one bathroom, that meant one of them had to run upstairs to the Hudson's apartment. Shelby laughs and asks if they're okay, which Rachel assures her they are. Once they got whatever it was out of their system, they were fine. But both still took the day off of work to be safe. They settle on the couch and Shelby tells her about the turbulence on the plane ride here. They talk casually for a while, about nothing of consequence. And then Rachel is hit by a mild attack. She gasps and clutches Shelby's hand. Shelby waits silently, squeezing her hand in support. When it ends, Rachel sighs and gives her a knowing smile.
"Okay. I guess that's a good segue into heavier topics. Go ahead."
Shelby smiles back. "Thank you. I know we talk every day and you tell me how everything's going. But now we're in person. Now we can really talk."
And they do. It's better talking in person than on the phone. Shelby could see when her daughter was starting to get upset and pushed a little to get her to open up. She could see when Rachel started to tire too much and suggested they watch a movie. She wanted to suggest she take a nap, but Rachel is an adult now. If she didn't say she needs a nap, she's not going to push. But as she'd hoped, she did fall asleep not long into the movie. Shelby pulled the blanket up over her more and focused on enjoying holding her baby girl. When she wakes later, Shelby brings up something that's been on her mind.
"You know I love you no matter what." She begins.
Rachel gives her a confused look. "I know."
"Okay then."
She smiles softly and reaches over. Shelby carefully unwinds the scarf, monitoring her daughter's reaction. She'd seemed surprised and uncertain at first, but then just seemed…..resigned. Not happy but not unhappy, either. With the scarf off, Shelby sits back and takes in the sight of her daughter completely bald. The mother smiles warmly.
"My beautiful baby girl. Beautiful no matter what."
Tears well in Rachel's eyes and she smiles back. She leans into Shelby and hugs her tight.
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She dropped to stage three. She's been sick for about five months and she's already stage three. They know it's because she stopped the treatments. If she'd kept going with her normal treatments instead of prepping for the transplant, she'd either still be stage two or even stage one. But because she had to stop it to start chemo, her numbers are dropping fast. And she feels it. She's felt it from the beginning. Tired. Sick. Weak. Now it's worse. It's all happening so fast this time. She'd briefly hoped that meant she'd be through the worst of it fast. Wishful thinking.
Dr. McCann is worried that at this rate she won't be able to hold on until the transplant. He halts the chemo, which she hates. She wants to power through and be done so that they can get to the transplant (and so her hair can start growing back). He has her go back to AA treatments for two weeks. They're easier to handle than the chemo, thankfully. It's almost November. It's cooler. Being extremely anemic, very skinny, plus not having any hair, makes her feel colder than ever. She bundles up in sweaters and blankets. And warm beanies for her head. Mild attacks are daily. Moderates are random but frequent. They leave her shaky and weak the rest of the day and sometimes into the next day. Her torso is littered with bruises that are tender. Overall, she feels sick. Unwell. She takes a moment every day to meditate, release any negative feelings, and focus on the positive. That's something her mandated therapist suggested. She sees a therapist once a week to make sure she's handling the prep for the transplant well emotionally. She still works on writing her own music when she feels up to it. She's also been enjoying playing the piano more. Even if she's too tired to sing, she enjoys sitting at her piano and playing. She's also back to playing more video games. Finn enjoys playing multiplayer games with her. Mostly because she sucks and he loves teasing her about it. Still, it's a fun way for both of them to spend time together without costing Rachel too much energy. They'll sit on the couch together, playing the same game, laughing and having fun.
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Finn finishes moving the laundry to the dryer and walks back into the living room. He steps around the sleeping dog, not wanting to disturb him. He pauses in concern when he sees his wife. She's curled up in the recliner with tears streaming down her face. But her expression is calm. Then he sees the notebook in her lap and her pen moving across the page and understands. She's writing a song. He doesn't want to interrupt her flow, but he does want to comfort her. Finn walks closer and she keeps writing, never looking up. He leans down and kisses her head. She smiles slightly but keeps writing.
Relieved she's in a good place emotionally, or at least an 'okay' place, he leaves her to it.
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Her mother came for another weekend visit. Finn went to stay with Noah and Sam while her mom focused on taking care of her. Rachel hated that she slept through most of the weekend, but her mother assured her she didn't mind and was happy to be there with her, holding her as she slept or even just watching over her. They did spend time together talking and watching tv, but unlike last time she wasn't up to singing, which made her sad. But otherwise it was a nice weekend.
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Her fingers flow over the ivory keys, bringing the melody in her head to life. She closes her eyes and just plays, letting the music flow through her. Even though the door to the music room is partially open, just in case, she appreciates having a moment of privacy. If she stops playing for too long, then Kurt will come in to check on her. He's working from home today to be able to stay with her. When her phone rings she jumps. She gets a lot of calls. Her mom is her most frequent caller. Her dad is second closest. All of her family calls her on a regular basis; especially Tina, Mercedes, and Mike. They don't get to see her often, so they text and call frequently to stay in touch with her. Her grandparents, aunts, uncles, Abby, and Tyler call once in a while. Dylan and Oliver call almost once a week. Those conversations are either sweet or funny. Every time they ask her to sing for them. If she feels up to it, she does. Others, like Elliott, Jesse, and Ashley, call less often but still regularly. She'd been surprised about Ashely. She knows they became friends, but she hadn't been sure their fledgling friendship had been strong enough to handle her being sick and not being around. She's thrilled that they still talk and still have fun conversations. A glance at the screen has her smiling. Conversations with Jesse are generally entertaining.
"Hello, Jesse."
"Hi, Rachel."
"How's it going?"
"Pretty good. Possibly better soon."
"Oh?" Rachel turns around on the bench so her back is leaning against the piano.
"Yeah. Look, I'm calling for a specific reason. I had an idea. I shared my idea with some other people and they all love it and agreed to it. I started putting everything in motion already but I realized I may be stepping on some toes. I'd like your blessing to move forward with my idea."
"What's your idea?" As she listens to him explain his idea, her lips slowly curl up into a bright smile and her eyes mist with unshed tears. She swallows hard. "You have my blessing. And my thanks."
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When Blaine graduated NYADA and started really auditioning for roles, Rachel suggested he use Ana as an agent as well. Since they're not going to be fighting over the same roles, Ana didn't see any problem with it. Now, with Rachel out of commission for a while, if something comes up, Ana relays it through Blaine. Such as any videos or articles that come out about her or if anyone reaches out to Ana about Rachel, she lets Rachel know. Blaine has been keeping Ana informed of how Rachel is doing and what can and can't be shared with the general public. One day, Blaine and Kurt come over with interesting news.
"I spoke to Ana today." Blaine starts tentatively.
"Oh?" Rachel asks, curious.
"Remember the Kyle and Kayla morning show you went on over a year ago?"
"Yeah?"
"They'd like to have you back on. To discuss your health." Blaine hurries to go on. "They understand if you're not up to it. If you're not, they've asked for specific information that they can share with their viewers and possibly a photo. But if you are up for it, they'd love it if you went to their studio to discuss your illness."
Rachel thinks about it. "I'd just have to sit and talk?"
"That's it. And it's not live, so if you need to end it and cut it short, that's fine. Or like, if you need a break during it, they can accommodate that."
Rachel's fingers go to her beanie. "I—I'm bald."
Kurt takes her hand. "And think of all the people, especially kids and young people, who are also bald from chemo. They could use a star like you to show them how to smile through it. If you go on there proudly and confidently with a scarf, you could help others be more comfortable with their own baldness."
Rachel smiles slightly. "I—I'll think about it."
"But maybe you shouldn't wait long." Finn says with a frown. "You could start chemo again soon as long as your numbers go up."
She nods, realizing he has a point. "Okay. I'll do it."
The men in her life smile at her proudly.
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She calls Ana and they work out a day that'd probably be best for her to be on the show. Ana contacts the show, they agree to the date, then Ana gets back to Rachel. Rachel talks to her family to make sure they're all okay with her saying whatever she wants; meaning they're comfortable with her talking about them or stories of them if it comes up. They're all fine with it. They all want to go. Rachel is only given four tickets to let family in. She invites her parents (her mom and Burt), Finn, and Kurt. Blaine was disappointed but understood. But then Ana managed to wheedle a fifth ticket out of them so he can go, too. Rachel appreciates that they'll be there to support her. She wouldn't have gone at all if Finn wasn't allowed to go. He'd need to be there just in case an attack hits. She's worried an attack will hit while she's there. Ana assures her they'd shut off the cameras and cut that part out if it happens. Which is why she's actually relieved she has an attack the day before. Her parents had arrived that day and they were all sitting in the living room talking when it hit.
"So you'd all be okay with me discussing our rather bizarre family dynamics if it comes up?" Rachel confirms.
"Yes. Honey, it's our lives, but it's also what really happened. It's a little unusual, but that's all."
"Absolutely, princess. It's your life. Talk about whatever you want."
"I'd rather focus on the illness, but I'm assuming my family will come up since you all are how I've survived."
"That's very sweet, and I th—"
Yero starts barking and jumps up, putting his front paws on Rachel's lap. Her stomach sinks. But then she realizes it means she won't get an attack tomorrow while at the studio and is relieved.
"I'm actually happy with this timing. It means—" She sucks in a breath, her hands flying to her chest.
Her mom, sitting next to her, slides closer and wraps her arms around her. Her dad gets up and grabs the oxygen tank and gets a nasal cannula on her. Rachel presses her forehead into her mother's neck and grips her hand, her breaths coming in short staccato bursts. Her breathing is harsh and uneven. The room swims around her. The needles stab in relentlessly, not giving her a moment's break to take in another breath. It becomes too difficult.
"Breath, baby, breath." Her mom urges.
"Take a breath, princess." Her dad adds on, holding her hand.
She tries. The stabbing pain isn't letting up. Rachel forces herself to take in a short breath. Then another. A fierce stab of pain knocks the air right out of her again and she swears she feels like she was just flipped over. She grips her parent's hands and tenses up even more. Her mom pulls her even closer to her.
"Take another breath, honey. Breathe for me."
Rachel moans and whimpers but manages to get in more breaths. She feels like she's dangling over a cliff and about to fall. But then the pain begins to recede and she takes in deeper breaths. That helps settle her down. She's still dizzy and exhausted, her chest heaving with gasping breaths. And now she's nauseous, too. She lays there quietly in her mom's embrace, focusing on evening out her breathing.
"That seemed bad."
"It's probably from the stronger treatments."
"Or maybe from switching back and forth between the AA treatments and chemo? Could that make these worse?"
"I don't know." Her mom kisses her cheek. "Or maybe….maybe she's getting worse. Finn did say—"
Their voices are muffled. She struggles to focus on them but can't. She drifts off to sleep still being held.
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Her dad carried her to bed once they realized she was asleep. She needed help getting out of bed when she woke up later that night. Finn helped her up and she leaned on him to go back out to the others. Her dad instantly stole her from Finn's arms and pulled her into a warm hug. She sighs and leans into him. He led her to where her mom is sitting and helped her sit beside her, where her mom instantly wrapped her in her arms. She knows she scared them. She herself acknowledged that it seemed worse than any others. But there's nothing any of them can do about it.
They enjoy a nice family meal, with Kurt and Blaine joining them. They helped Rachel decide how to answer certain questions and gave tips and suggestions.
"No matter what, just be yourself. You've done an amazing job of staying positive. Just keep that going on the show and it'll be fine." Her mom tells her with a proud smile.
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