Impossible Archer Chapter 1
To be clear this is something I half expected to have already been done as a Crack Fic only it has not. This is a Kim Possible x Archer, where Archer begins is after Kim Possible graduated college, so she is around the age of twenty five. The twins are in their late teens and so on. Ron will probably not join this story.
Warning Archer cross over messed up issues to be expected.
I own nothing!
:Story Start:
New York-Subway-Morning
A red headed young woman wearing a dress suit exits the subway train and walks up the terminal where she is able to walk through and to street level where she walks into a dry cleaners and to a set of washing machines and pushes in a specific dial revealing a hidden elevator. She steps inside and presses the button for the top floor. She steps over where she sees a grown black jewish man being introduced, "Conway Stern."
The woman stepped in after as an elderly lady shouts, "He is a diversity double whammy. Where is that bimbo I hired?"
The woman frowns before stating, "I hope you don't mean me? She looks into the office block were several people's eyes widen at the sight of her as she introduces herself, "Kim Possible," she waved lightly before the title card scrolls through.
Impossible Archer!
Kim Possible was being given the tour by a southern accented blonde man with moustache and a flamboyant personality. This Ray, the gay mission controller and he was giving the newest agent the nickel tour. "So yes, you have seen the armoury, the locker room, break room, control room and your desk. Now everyone is currently fighting over a corner office that has been freed up recently, basically our undercover agent in Arabia was recently killed. Now meet my fellow drones," he brought Kim to a large blonde woman, a crazy looking red haired office assistant and finally a man who can be easily mistaken for a banker, "This is our head of HR, Pam, Maloy Archer's receptionist Crystal, for this week, and Cyril Figus head of accounting."
"Hello," Pam states.
"You are not my supervisor! I mean hello, stay away from Conway," Crystal glares at Kim who nods in understanding.
Cyril simply states, "Well, welcome to ISIS sorry about Sterling Archer, he is a man slut," which was a bad thing to say before his face met the Crystal's desk violently by a black haired well dressed man.
Ray simply says, "Damn it Archer!"
"What? I have not done anything to her," Archer states.
"yet," Pam and Ray states.
"Yeah whatever," Archer counters before stating, "Look I don't trust Conway at the moment, I think he is trying to seduce Mother."
"Mother?" Kim asks.
"Malory Archer is Archer's mother and you can understand how that relates to his employment," Ray states.
"Ray, I have no problem punching you woman," Archer states getting blinks from Ray, "What?"
"That was probably the least insulting insult you have ever used. Are you okay?" Ray questions in concern.
"Conway, mother is doing what she does when she is trying to whore herself out for money," Archer states only to suddenly have a bottle of alcohol smashed over his head by Malory.
"I will have you know I do not whore myself out for good reason," Malory Archer walks into her office behind Crystal.
"Do you believe that woman? Conway is too good to be true," an ebony woman wearing white and a gun holster.
"Really Lana? Just because he likes us Drones," Pam countered.
"No, because black Jewish secret agent immediately after Malory discovers that we are losing our Diversity benefits," Lana states before looking to Kim Possible and offers a handshake as she ask, "Lana Cane by the way, huge fan, but why are you working for ISIS. Don't you have like this waiting list of agencies wanting to hire you?"
Kim rubs her neck before admitting, "My brothers are getting a job in your Research and development section. Though I have my own resources that ISIS will be taking advantage of."
Pam asks, "Like what?"
"Well twenty four seven access to public and government files in the field," Kim states before adding, "and my brothers are rocket scientists, who are black listed by several different agencies."
Kim could only sigh before Archer groans from the ground before asking, "Could they make a jetpack?"
Kim was silent for a moment before stating, "Yeah, check the armoury over the next couple weeks."
Archer frowns and says, "Yes!" before groaning as he stumbles away. Lana excused herself to continue her work for the day, Pam and Cyril went inside Malery's office while Ray directed Kim to her desk and proceeded to go over her mission synopses for the coming weeks. Malory was seen leaving her office while Pam and Cyril can be seen arguing as they returned to their offices.
Ray returned and says, "Those two are pathetic, they are arguing for an office that Malory has no intention of assigning to anyone due to some glare that hits her office for two weeks of the year. It was the reason that the undercover agent that had that office assigned to him due to his long term out of country mission all the time."
Kim blinked before asking, "So what happened to this Agent?"
"His cover was blown," Ray states, "not very clear on the how. Though he was the only agent who could handle that mission. Also I forgot to give you some of the needed advice. Don't go drinking with Archer, Lana dislikes anyone mentioning her hands or that she is sleeping with Cyril. Don't piss of Pam, she will beat your ass. Crystal has changed her name several times since no one could remember her name. Malory Archer is the boss and favours Archer whenever he does something stupid. Careful in the RnD room, Kreiger is a crazy inventor with problems. Oh and avoid the techies they are just sad."
Kim frowns at that before asking, "So anything else that I should know about it?"
"Oh yeah, we have a major rivalry with ODIN and you may have to deal with them during one of your missions," Ray's statement was filled with bitterness.
"Do you have a problem with me?" Kim asks.
"Only that you and Conway have kept me on the bench, Miss Archer keeps forgetting that I am on rotation," Ray states before commenting, "But that is my problem, that you had nothing to do with. That being said every third Friday of the month is when we head to the local bar and guys versus girls game of darts, losers buy the winners drinks for the night." Ray then walked away leaving Kim alone with her paper work before she went home across town for the night.
Next day-ISIS headquarters-Midday
Kim Possible was finishing up her mission briefings and the necessary paperwork to complete them. Ray walked over and says, "Well, your first day was interesting. Turns out Lana was suspended, now Conway and Archer are on their way to Miami to collects some files on a stealth submarine engine. Plus I was right with the corner office."
Kim frowns before stating, "Wow, any idea why Lana was suspended?"
"She had concerns about Conway's legitimacy as an agent," Ray states simply.
"So if Lana was right then you would get your chance to be an agent," Kim questioned back.
Ray blinks before asking, "So care to join me breaking into our bosses office?"
Kim chuckles before pulling out an oversized cell phone and says, "Please, Wade already heard everything we just said."
"Sorry, Kim but you are right. I looked up Conway Stern as soon as Lana was suspended, they are fake files installed on ISIS' mainframe," Wade a black teenage shut in, in a dark room covered in computers, "Oh and I looked for any other documents with the same credentials. Apparently Agent Dutchess' file was used to create a new file for a fake Buyer. Also Conway's real name, Mothersmilk Taleway, before he changed it three times before he was twenty."
Kim frowns before standing and heading with Ray to Malory's office and knocking loudly, "What the hell do you idiots want!?"
Kim simply says, "Conway Stern is not Jewish and has false credentials."
Malory glares at the two as she finished the drink before asking, "Why should I care?"
"Well considering that you sent your son with a possible traitor," Kim states before walking away quickly and returned to her desk as Ray went in her office and having a serious talk with their boss. Kim was working at her desk as she started humming to herself. (Kim Possible theme song) Kim was finishing up her work before her phone rings and she answers, "Kim Possible," she then looked disappointed before she whispered back, "I did not change the code since you installed the security system Please stay out of the penthouse, I just got it the way I like it," she was heard by Pam behind her. Kim sighs and says, "Just don't wreck the place until I get there tonight."
Kim hangs up the phone and sighs before Pam states, "Pent House?"
Kim sighs and says, "It is not exactly the best location and I am sharing it with my two little brothers."
Pam simply asks, "House party?"
Kim frowns before commenting, "Not exactly in a position to do that. I only moved in a week ago after it was built."
Pam shakes her head before commenting, "Wow that sucks, I was hoping for a keg party."
Ray stepped out of Malory's office before fist pumping and walking over to Kim and says, "Say hello to ISIS' newest agent," he was really proud of himself, "Drinks on me."
"No can do, my brothers moved in today. A week early," Kim complains before stating, "Well I should have some time to before I get sent on a mission."
"Possible, my office now," Malory shouts before Kim Possible heads into Malory's office. Malory states, "Sit down, you have a mission," she sits at her desk before activating a computer screen behind a painting behind her desk, "This is Bruno Gastav, he is a hired thug for the KGB. Currently he is in Switzerland to deliver a sample of antimatter to the highest bidder."
"So are we buying it or recovering it?" Kim asks.
"Shut up," Malory glares at Kim as she says, "As I was saying, you are going to steal it back from him by any means necessary." Kim nods before Malory continues, "Unfortunately there is a slight snag," Kim was silent as Malory reviewed her notes and says, "It appears that KGB, ODIN, and MI6 are hunting for the target. So your best bet to catch Bruno is at this location."
Kim frowns as Malory gives her a document that she reads aloud, "The Angel Sinners club?"
Malory states, "It is an Adult Club located near Cern that caters to those that don't like to share their identity to be anomalous actions."
Kim frowns before commenting, "Wait, according this to, Bruno has been had radical surgically altered to look like a different person."
Malory sighs annoyed and says, "You would be correct, which is why you will have the advantage as a foot note in his personality information."
Kim read the details and groans, "Lady boys?"
Malory sighs and says, "Yeah, with that information you can locate the target somewhere in the club. Though you will have to contact Archer for details."
Kim simply states, "I don't have those details yet."
Malory sighs and says, "Get to it, I will have our computer specialist do something or other. Now get out, your flight is in one hour."
Kim was about to ask some more questions only for Malory to aim a gun at Kim, who silently and quickly walked out the office. Kim was at her desk as she says, "Great I was hired by a lunatic." Pam walked over and Kim quickly asks, "Hey, what is Agent Archer's contact details?"
Pam simply says, "Sure, ah," she quickly wrote down the number quickly before handing it to Kim and says, "I would be careful with that, Archer has a weird voice mail messages to drive people crazy."
Kim nods at that before grabbing her emergency bug out bag with the essentials, a fancy dress, some basic gear and other equipment that she would normally take on a mission, including a grappling hook. Kim went straight to the Elevator as she pulled out her cell phone, "Answer Dweebs," Kim tapped her foot as the elevator dropped before speaking into the phone, "Listen you two, I am heading to Switzerland on a collection mission. Don't break into my room," she hanged up and then continued down the elevator as she called a cab.
She would make it to the airport rather quickly as she bribed the driver to break the law speeding while Wade ensured that the Driver won't get in trouble. She reached the airport and found that she was in economy class all the way to Cern, a trip made worse when she was sitting next to a pair of young children, while their parent was in first class.
Cern-early morning-Kim's hotel room.
Kim was unpacking her gear that she should need for the mission. Eventually Kim pulled out her phone and dialled the number that Pam gave her, "Pick up Archer."
"Hello," came the voice of Lana Kane on Archer's phone.
"Lana," Kim was confused before saying, "Pam must have given me the wrong number."
"No, I answered Archer's phone, turns out I was right about Conway Stern, hacked ISIS' computers," Lana states before asking, "What reason are you calling Archer for though?"
"My target has a sample of Antimatter he intends to sell and my only lead is that he fancies Lady boys. Ms Archer stated that he would be able to help find them," Kim states.
"Oh Kim, what you don't understand is that when Archer is beyond black out drunk he sleeps with them," Lana comments. "Listen call again in twenty four hours if you either succeed or have problems."
"What if I can't contact you?" Kim asks.
"I will contact ISIS and see if I can get you Back up. Just don't die out there," Lana finishes before the call was cut off due to Archer's phone going flat.
Kim sighs and sits down on the bed while reviewing the documents she was given. Bruno was considered a freak in every sense of the world, from his personal desires to his attractions. Kim sighs as no information on what the medical operation that was done only that a mention of a change of appearance was mentioned. Kim sighs before pulling out her Kimunicator and proceeded to do some personal research on the club she was going to only to groan in annoyance at the dress code. She mutters, "No underwear, phones or recording devices, what kind of club is this."
ISIS headquarters-Several hours later-Just before Kim would enter the club.
Ray walked into Malory's office to place a file report for the next three weeks of missions when he noticed a document dropped under Malory's desk where he saw a medical file of Bruno Gastav where he reads, "What the Deuce!"
Malory suddenly shouts, "What are you doing in here?"
"I came to drop off that report for the Cuban missile storage plant mission," Ray states before concluding with, "I think this fell out one of the mission Files the last couple days."
Malory takes the file and says, "Not that it is any of your business," she scrunches it up before dropping it in the trash before shouting, "Now, GET OUT MY OFFICE!" Ray was shouted out of her office where he would try to contact Kim as she was the only agent on a mission at the moment.
Ray reached his desk and says, "Come on pick up!" only for the call to go to voicemail, "Double Deuce!"
Cern-The Angel Sinners Club-That moment
Kim took several deep breaths as she entered the club, blushing heavily due to the mandatory check by female staff in the lobby. Not so much her hand bag, but under her strapless white dress and simple feathered mask, she bought earlier that day. Kim was embarrassed but continued anyway into the Club where she realised what this club catered to, there was two options, she could go up where she could see several people engaging in pleasant conversation over wine, while going down appeared to be more of a leather and whips location. Kim walked up the stairs where she sees the waitresses were dressed in slutty angel costumes with skirts so short that they can't lean forward without what is concealed. Kim gulps as she walked through the crowd to what appeared to be the bar. Kim was doing her best to not stare at the actions of several of the waitresses and staff. Kim reached the bar and asks, "Hello, I am looking for Bruno."
The bartender frowns at Kim before saying, "You are on the wrong floor," Kim frowns before the Bartender states, "Bruno is a bouncer down in hell. Care for a drink?"
"Soda water, if you have any," Kim states getting the bartender to nod before reaching under the bar and collecting a single glass from the chilled glass and placing the glass in front of Kim before having the special pouring nozzle to make her a Soda water in front of her with a couple ice cubes from the special stock.
Kim accepted the drink before the Bartender states, "You want the elevator to the side of the club dance floor," Kim looked at him carefully, "Bruno is down stairs and likes to watch. Have fun."
Kim looks to the bartender as her ice melts into her drink until finally Kim simply drinks the entire glass of Soda Water and half melted ice cubes and says, "Thank you," before walking over to the elevator, her violet dress clinging to her body.
The Bartender reached for his walkie talkie on the bar counter next to him and says, "That tip was right Boss. Sending her down to Hell now," Kim entered the elevator and went down.
Kim's ride was over in short order before she found herself down in Hell. She walked calmly into the adult fun that is surrounding her, she takes a deep breath while thinking, 'You had to expect something like this when you made this a full time job,' she was then distracted at the sight of a woman pegging a man, 'A pity that Ron broke up with me, we could have had some fun.' She did not realise that her view of the world was distorted slowly before she comments, 'Then again, Kiki and Ron are cute together, plus his food is to kill for.'
Kim's steps were slightly staggered as she reached the bar and the world was spinning for her as the Bartender for Hell states, "Bruno is down the hall final door." Kim nods after not saying a word as she stumbles to the bar as a couple of the Angel waitress walked after Kim before Kim finally collapsed as the LSD laced ice cubes finally caused her to crash to the ground in the hall.
The first Angel waitress spoke in a somewhat deep voice, "Think the boss would let us have some fun with her."
The second Waitress simply says in a man's voice, "It should be fun," getting a groan from the first Waitress.
"The boss said that you are not allowed to talk remember, it ruins the illusion," the first waitress states annoyed before adding, "Though I do like the fact that I am not getting molested by grown man." With that the pair grabbed Kim's arms and pulled her into the room where they see the room filled with costumes and the First 'Waitress' asks, "So what did the Boss want us to do, again?"
The second 'Waitress' simply says as he grabs a costume of a latex fox, "Boss, finally has a 'willing' participant for this year's Fox Hunt. Help me get her undressed," with that they used a pair of heavy scissors each and cut the dress up. "Whoever the boss bought her from clearly had good taste."
Malory's office-ISIS Headquarters-That moment
Malory looks at her bank account before shouting, "Oh yeah, Bruno you beautiful hermaphrodite you. Sale ever."
Next day-Unknown location-with Kim-One hour after scheduled contact with Lana.
Kim groans at the after affects of LSD that had affected her before she tries to get up off the ground only for her hands to be revealed her hands were sealed inside some rubber balls. Kim spoke but the only sound she made was a series of grunts as she realises that her mouth was forced open under a latex mask. Kim looked around from under her mask to see that she was inside a somewhat large box/cage used to transport animals about the size of a human. Kim looked down at herself and gasped as she noticed that she was dressed in orange latex and with a fluffy tail on her rear. She reached down to pull it off only to feel a tightness in her rear and metal covering her crotch. She looks down to her feet to see that she appeared to be on high heels only without the stiletto heels. Kim frowns as she found the key to the metal chastity belt around her neck but the lock and key was too small for two large balls for hands to open.
Kim only feels some discomfort in her rear and her mouth but not anything that would feel like she had been violated. The roof of the cage suddenly opened and a woman spoke, "I hear you were looking for me, I am Bruno Gastav," his or her voice was slightly deep as they talked, "Congratulations, you were sold for the annual Cern Fox hunt. Don't worry you will not be killed, you will be hunted by perspective contestants for the chance to claim you as their own, tranquilisers, tasers and other non lethal version equipment. Including myself. Now until then you will be fed before the hunt," the roof of the cage was shut as Kim tried shouting at Bruno in anger.
With Lana Kane-Miami Airport
Archer groans in pain as the knife wound that Conway gave him with a knife, was now complaining about flying across the planet. "Seriously she did not call you when you told her, she could be undercover."
"Or dead," Lana counters before stating, "Listen when she did not call back I called Ray, he could not contact Kim to inform her that Bruno Gastav had a Hermaphrodite Sex Change."
Archer blinks before asking, "Wait that is a thing?"
"Black Market surgery," Lana Kane states before adding, "Though it basically requires heavy surgery alterations for a man to have the changes done. For a woman though it has only a five percent chance of the modifications actually working like it was considered."
"Wait so a guy has a better chance of the surgery?" Archer questions.
"The expected recovery time is two to three years Archer," Lana states before adding, "No sex, Alcohol or other non medical drugs. Plus you would need about twenty times more money than your mother has."
Archer frowns before stating, "Wonder how much it would cost to get a pair of breasts?" Lana sighs and does her best to ignore Archer as he spent time asking several dumb questions about such operations.
Until Lana states, "Cyril has been considering a Penis Reduction," Archer blinks at that before he burst into laughter for the entire flight instead of drinking or annoying Lana for the fifteen hour flight.
Cern-Outside Kim's Hotel Room-Sixteen hours later
Archer kicks the door down to Kim's Hotel Room, before falling down to the ground in pain from being stabbed in the back. Lana stepped inside and says, "She isn't here."
Archer groans before stating, "Then why did I kick the door down?"
"I was going to do it until you decided to aggravate your injuries," Lana states before commenting, "Now we are looking for an oversized cell phone like device. Basically it is her version of a mission handler contact." They searched the room until they found the Kimunicator and suddenly she asks, "Okay I found it."
Archer simply states, "Then what about this?" revealing Kim's phone with several missed calls, from Lana, Kim's mother and a number titled Dweebs. Archer frowns before asking, "Should we check the mission briefing, rookie mistake leaving it in the Hotel Room," pulling out a file hidden under Kim's suit case.
Lana sighs and says, "Get over yourself, that is what you are meant to do. You destroy it if you are about to be caught. Either way we know where to go and the documents in the file can tell us where to go."
Archer frowns before stating, "Then we can just call Ray to track her."
The Kimunicator spoke up, "Actually ISIS had yet to insert a tracking implant. Kim went to the Angel Sinners which has several rules against entry. No underwear, phones or recording devices. No security cameras to hack or anything that can be used to see inside. Though I have found something," the screen changed revealing a picture of Kim Possible as the prize for a Fox hunt, "Problem is that Kim is the Fox that is being hunted on horseback outside Cern, on a private residence over a hundred acre property. Problem is that it is a man only hunt. Now I can have Dutchess entered as a last minute hunter."
Lana asks, "Um, I don't think that is a good idea."
Wade simply states, "Unfortunately you literally need male genitals to be eligible. The rules state that the hunt is non lethal with weapons supplied by Bruno himself."
Archer asks, "Okay then why can't Lana put on a disguise and infiltrate this then?"
Wade's answer being, "You have to donate sperm in person by medical staff."
Lana groans before asking, "Why do they need that?"
"No idea, only that it has been a requirement of this event since before your mother was born," Wade counters.
"Well your mother is a crack whore!" Archer countered.
"No seriously, it is a secret hunt that has been happening for over four hundred years," Wade countered before stating, "If I was insulting you It would be about your alcoholic tendencies, homophobic tendencies or even the fact that you wanted a set of breasts surgically attached to your chest." Lana laughs before adding, "Now that that is out the way. I have already organised for Archer to be at the hunt and Lana, you are unfortunately his personal Nurse," There was a knock on the door before Archer went to the door as Wade continued, "That will be your disguises and follow these images for Archer," the images changed to show a grey haired Archer looking like Shaun Connery and a basic bio on the character he would play.
Lana reads the Bio and says, "Reginald Archer, secret owner of ISIS, ODIN and Multiple Mercenary groups around the world. Net worth," Lana's eyes widened before she states, "Wow, Archer, this guy just made you your own father."
Archer holding the articles of clothing and gear they would need to convert Archer into an older version of himself. Archer asks, "Seriously? What in there," Archer reads the bio and Lana became disgusted at the erection he received. "What was that guy's name again, because I am buying him all the booze and hookers he wants for a year."
"Too young dude and the name is Wade," Wade states simply before commenting, "Listen, you are meeting with Bruno tonight at the club, though you will not going through the front entrance. You will go to the back where you will knock an inverted SOS on the door before saying, 'I hunt the silver fox' once that is said you will introduce Lana by a cover name as your nurse. You will meet with Bruno, where I will ensure that your cover is not blown."
"Where are you going to get the money?" Archer states only to not get an answer.
Lana though asks, "Wade if we ever meet I will owe you one. Unless of course this is just a scheme to get laid," Archer laughs before Lana continued, "Anything else we should know?"
Wade simply says, "The nurses will be dressed in Angel costumes."
With that Lana helped Archer appear as an old Sean Connery before dressing properly before they found themselves ready to go. Lana quickly packed all of Kim's gear for the trip. Though she ended up reading the off brand labels and their descriptions and could only sigh at the interesting way of hiding in plain sight.
As they were packing up, Lana comments, "Damn, her gear is better than ours how did she get caught?"
Reginald Archer answered with, "What do you expect? This was her first proper mission for a Government agency. She probably made the mistake of going to the Heaven side of the club and asked for this Bruno person and they gave her the LSD laced ice cubes."
Lana blinks at that before asking, "What?"
"Yeah, where do you think I went to have Mother always bring up the Lady boy attraction all the time," Archer states before he suddenly says, "Shit."
"What?" Lana asks as Archer suddenly gets a smirk.
Archer says, "I was meant to call her that back stabbing bitch and I was meant to call my 'son' the worse thing I ever created."
Lana blinks before asking, "Why?"
"You have met my mother right?" Archer counters before Archer continues, "Plus I need a reason to hate myself so I am going with my Ex-Wife shot me in the back and I am assuming that my son, is Satan or something."
"Good idea," Lana states before commenting, "Now remember I am your nurse."
"Yes, my lesbian nurse," Archer counters getting a glare from Lana until Archer adds, "who cut off the penis of the last man to offer her the joy of a real man. What we are on a mission and frankly I need a reason to explain you constantly glaring at me."
"What?" Lana is now really confused.
"unless you want to have sex with me during the mission," Archer questions before stating, "Do you want to edit this plan or?"
Lana continues to glare before stating, "How about I am forced to join you on this hunt during my day off when I should be having sex with my female super model."
"Sure, let's go," Archer walks out the hotel room with Lana following after while glaring at him.
It took them thirty minutes to reach the club where Archer did the reverse of SOS, though he was trying to do the actual SOS signal. Archer then managed to correctly state the code phrase to gain access and proceeded to explain Lana as his Nurse who killed the last man offering sex. Lana glares before they proceed inside where the met with Bruno, "Reginald Archer, a pleasure to meet the world's most powerful owner warlord."
Archer simply says, "Yeah, well I am upset that I only found out about this recently. Seriously what is your problem with money?"
Bruno chuckles as he/she steps out the shadows revealing a themselves being fully white skinned and with minimal scars on their face. Bruno states, "Well, you are a secretive man your accountant was very adamant that you have been searching to join this for a couple years. That being said I must apologise due to not actually knowing you existed."
"What do you expect, I am bored on my private island. My sources learned of your event and I am considering it for my own personal enjoyment," Archer states simply.
Lana glared at Archer as Bruno laughed and says, "Well my friend, let me direct you to the medical ward. As you should understand, for the hunters is to donate a sample for the hunt. It needs to be tested first." Lana raised an eyebrow containing a laugh. Bruno then states, "unfortunately if the sample is not clear of STDs you will be banned from participating in the future."
Archer frowns and states, "That does not sound fair."
Bruno states, "All will be clear if you pass that test."
Lana asks, "How exactly do you collect the sample?"
Bruno states, "Mister Archer is to have his arms behind his back as one if my staff collects the sample. One such hunter in the past gave a sample that was clean but the truth was that he was not clean."
Archer clears his throat before asking, "Yeah that seem fair." With that Archer was directed alone by a couple angel waitresses into the back room where Lana could only groan after ten minutes in pleasure before stepping out and saying to the two waitresses, "If you two are free later maybe we could get a drink?" they both rolled their eyes as they walked away with a rather large sample. Archer frowns before asking, "Why did you need such a large sample?"
Bruno chuckles and says, "Well obviously we need it for the start of the hunt, which you are fortunate that today is the last day to enter the hunt. In three hours we will be flying out to the hunting grounds. By private helicopter."
With that Archer was led upstairs with Lana where they waited for final checks on Archer's health before they went to the roof where a pair of private helicopters were ready for them to take them into the mountains where they found a private valley that could only be accessed by hidden tunnel or air.
That being said was Lana noticed all of those around her, A couple warlords, a couple terrorist and what appeared to be a middle eastern prince of the age of fourteen sitting with his father. That being said the prince looked to Lana, very nervous. Lana takes a deep breath while several people finished loading up the cargo before the craft took off and one of Bruno's assistants started speaking, "Now everyone thank you for your purchase and some rules, the first being is that you are not allowed to share the location of the hunt. Second being that the hunt starts the day after the starting ritual. Third, the winner of the hunt will be decided by the one who claims the key held by the fox, to do with as you please. Violating any of these rules will mean disqualification and a punishment."
Archer being himself simply asks, "What kind of punishment are we talking?"
"Life time ban for yourself and family, taking place as the fox, imprisonment or death," Bruno's assistant states simply getting Archer to shut up from asking anything else. The assistant then adds, "Now, this flight will take an estimated three hours to reach the lodge, so please enjoy the in flight movie," with that the lights dimmed and 'The most dangerous Game' movie was shown on screen. Archer appeared to enjoy himself while Lana appeared annoyed while the Kimunicator scanned everyone's faces, though also finding Kim in the storage area of the helicopter.
End of the flight-Hidden Valley of the Hunt-Switzerland/Italian Border
Three helicopters were seen coming in from three different directions where they landed near what appeared to be an old European castle hidden in the mountains. It was rather nice in that it had many of the modern luxuries with the style of the dark ages. Archer and Lana were led to a private chamber where only a single bed was seen. The 'Maid' simply states, "One room per hunter. There is formal wear in the closet and be at the grand hall for the opening ceremony."
The maid left leaving Lana to pull out the Kimunicator and asks, "Wade, please tell me you tracked us."
"Sure thing, I also found Kim but a problem came up," Wade's comment got frowns from Lana and Archer. "They have her under guard by about eighty armed guards. All the maids you have seen are either female or as Bruno's file indicated, male with girlish features."
Archer simply asks, "What about the two that collected a sample?"
"Male," Wade comments causing Archer to be sick and needing to fix his beard disguise. Wade then continued, "Okay well local servers in the castle you are in records the starting ritual and the hunt. According to the files they have the 'Fox' guarded at all times until the hunt begins. The fox is given a thirty minute head starts before the hunt begins that is when you can save Kim."
"Then highjack a helicopter and make our escape?" Lana suggests.
"Actually, there is a world war two era tunnel that will lead you back into Switzerland to a private airfield," Wade comments, "Also I don't think this Bruno guy is selling weapons grade Antimatter. Satellite and the Kimunicator cannot detect any trace of the material."
Archer counters with, "Well what do you expect, they haven't stolen it yet."
Lana looks to Archer and asks, "Explain."
Archer simply states, "Only way to steal the stuff is in a vacuum sealed container. The invention of which has not been completed that is why no one has tried stealing the stuff blows up instantly when contacting a single molecule of oxygen."
Lana decides to ignore Archer and asks, "What can you tell us about the hunt?"
Wade says in disappointment, "Unfortunately, it is not good. Basically winner gets to do anything with the Fox, but they only need the key that is placed around Kim's neck. You will have tranc darts, tasers, nets and knock out grenades."
Archer frowns before stating, "So while saving the girl, we have to hunt people with non lethal weapons. This should be fun, pity that I would get banned from this place."
Lana was about to counter him only for Wade to state, "You should be fine, considering where the money came from. Anyway, you better get ready the ritual will be starting in twenty minutes," with that Wade cut communication before Lana places it in her handbag.
They were dressed quickly before they walked down through the castle Archer's white suit contrasting with Lana's black dress and somewhat oversized hand bag. Archer and Lana was each given a mask to match their formal wear walked up a set of stairs, where they see several tables with very good views of the floor below where a table with ropes were seen below. Archer frowns recognising the table before noticing Bruno wearing a dress suit on the floor below.
Archer and Lana took seats as Bruno was heard, "Gentlemen and medically needed assistance," indicating Lana, Bruno continued, "Welcome to the Hurenstrafe Fox Hunt," Archer blinks at that as Bruno continues, "Tonight the fox will be fed, for tomorrow the hunt begins. Now to introduce Kim Possible!" Archer, Lana and the Middle Eastern Prince stared in shock at the sight of a latex fox costume covered Kim Possible with her hair in a ponytail behind her head, her hands bound in what appeared to be balls and struggling to walk without heals. Bruno continues, "For those who are new to the hunt, let me show you while a sample was collected," that was when another person stepped into the room with a medium milk tin that was chilled, "It is time for the feeding of the Fox," Kim was strapped down to the table doing her best to fight back and her head was strapped down and Archer noticed the fox mask that had an open mouth gag.
Archer comments, "Oh, that is a relief."
Lana frowns and whispers, "what is going on."
Archer watches as a funnel was forced into Kim's mouth and says, "I half expected it to be used in a different orifice," Lana was disgusted with that before the silent Kim was forced to drink the seed of about fifty different people. Archer whispers to Lana, "Seriously this is less dark then I expected."
Kim was struggling as Kim was forced to guzzle down way too much male semen as she tried to free her face before she eventually drank all of the semem as she was know coughing as she struggled to breath after almost drowning. Bruno then states, "Well time for dinner, for tonight we dine and tomorrow we hunt!"
With that several maids where seen walking into the grand hall where everyone was being served their favourite meals for the dinner. Archer smiles at the meal that he normally gets on his birthday while Lana was given the same meal. Archer enjoys his meal and says, "Damn, this place is great."
Lana whispers back with, "and they do this once a year. Why?"
Archer frowns before whispering, "Probably because of how much money this place costs, rich people way too much money." Lana blinked at that before they continued to eat and drink the food before returning to their room and Archer states, "Can you check my back," Archer removed his suit jacket where Lana spotted the stab wound had reopened on his back.
Lana sighs and says, "Get on the bed and I will replace your bandages, no sex."
Archer chuckles and says, "Well obviously I am not a woman that you fancy," Archer chuckles at the glare that Lana was giving him as he says, "I mean you are my nurse and you are dating a female super model, and is very angry with me for disrupting your weekend of sin you planned in Vagas," Archer's statement was met with a glare before the maid arrived with a couple bottles of alcohol.
The maid simply says is a clearly male voice, "Do you require a first aid kit?"
"No, we have everything we need," Lana states annoyed at the male maid.
Archer simply said, "Former employee tried to take over my operation, considered him family, then my nurse removed his hand for doing. Jewish Black ass hole," he carefully lies down on the bed while the Maid walks out the room before Lana went to change his bandages.
Lana asks, "How do you feel?"
"Like I was stabbed in the back," Archer comments and then says, "Do I need a hospital?"
Lana looks to the wound under the bandages and sighs as he says, "Well we are fortunate that there is a fire place, I can seal up the wound. It will scar."
Archer states, "Okay, go for it. It will give me a reminder of what I will do to Conway Stern the next time I see that guy that I am sure Malory slept with."
Lana blinks before whispering to Archer, "Of course your still in character."
Archer simply comments, "Character?" Lana glares at him.
With Kim-That night
Kim was exhausted as she was still tied down the table as she had almost drowned during the forced feeding, though she really wished she could throw up but knows that she didn't want to drown in her own vomit. Kim looks around under her mask as the inside of her mask still had traces of slime and smell. Kim tried to struggle out of her bindings. Kim's struggles was noticed before Bruno Gastav speaks, "Oh my dear, I suggest you get some sleep tomorrow the hunt begins. You will have thirty minutes to run before the hunt begins. Once you are caught you will be awarded to the winner who catches you." Kim appears to glare through her mask before Bruno suddenly had Kim's throat in a tight grip before Bruno says, "Make it interesting or we may have to rethink your survival."
Bruno left Kim alone in the grand hall before suddenly Bruno pressed a button on a remote control. Kim suddenly stiffened as suddenly a light tingle was growing in her rear as she thinks, 'How did they catch me so quickly?'
The next morning-With Archer and Lana
Archer was exhausted and annoyed that he could not drink any Alcohol due to accidents happening in the past, Dick Chaney being an example. Lana and a single Maid was designated as Archer's weapon holders. Archer sighs as they waited for Kim to be ready to give her the thirty minute head start. Bruno was wearing male hunting gear with a couple maids helping them. Fox Kim was then led out by a pair of metal animal catching staffs before she was in position and then released only to not move. Archer chuckles when suddenly another Maid arrives and uses a cattle prod to send her running.
Archer then whispers to Lana, "Did you see the young prince kid," Lana looks to the Middle Eastern Prince who appeared upset being here.
Lana simply comments, "Clearly he did not want to be here."
Archer looks at the king and says, "Probably wanted his son to become a man." Archer frowns at never spending time with his dad. Archer then frowns and whispers, "We should be careful, the dad looks determined." Lana noticed the Prince fiddling with his weapon as he listened to his father. Thirty minutes then passed and everyone was released into the woods surrounding the castle many finding it impossible to track due to the state of the woods.
With Kim Possible shortly after being realeased
Kim had never been more happy for her years cheerleading and fighting super villains, because of all of the practice at moving quickly as she runs through the forest, until she found herself running up a slopped tree and proceeded to do her best to leap to close branches to gain some more distance before she eventually found a river and quickly dropped into the water and lay on her back with her legs to be pointed forward. She flowed down the river for several minutes until she found herself reaching a lake and concealed herself at the top of a waterfall near some rocks that give her a clear view of anyone trying to find her.
With the sun high she does her best to ignore the sudden tightness of the suit around her body as it was weighing her down slightly. Kim did her best to ignore it as he locates a pointy rock and tries to cut the bindings off her hands se she could free herself. She had very little luck. Kim is very annoyed as she then tries to removed the dumb mask on her only for nothing to work. Kim then heard a noise as suddenly an hour into the hunt Archer speaks, "Because Lana I have a greavious injury and your my nurse and our caddy was shot by another hunter shortly after we split up from everyone."
Lana carrying the maid groans and states, "This was not the path that Kim took, why did you take this route?"
"Simple because according to the map the river that she was running towards flows to this waterfall and considering I did some research after you went to sleep," Archer brought out the Kimunicator before stating, "Plus, this thing has a tracer for Kim with a range of a mile. Why do you think I shot the maid in the back."
Lana blinks as they found Kim and she quickly drops the maid and rushes over, "From now on you are working with a team."
"Lana stop!" Archer shouts as Lana was about to remove the suit.
"Why?" Lana counters.
"Well besides the hyperthermia the cold water is going to cause her," Archer states, "That suit she is wearing needs to be heated to free her off it for our plan to swap Kim with a maid. Which we can't do anyway due to the all male maid service they have here. Plus we would not be able to keep the suit intact as we removed it. Seam on the spine and bottom half of the head." Lana looked at those points and discovered why, "Yeah liquid Latex along the seam to stop cheating. Looks like we ate going to have to claim victory in the hunt."
"I don't think so," the Middle Eastern King states with his son nervous behind him, "I spent triple the entry fee just to ensure that I win this so that my son can start on ensuring the royal bloodline. So step away from the whore before a drug you both and drop the four of you over a cliff."
Archer frowns, "Four?"
That was when the M.E. King fired a dart into his maid and says, "If you do not want to make it three additional corpses in the lake you will give me the fox."
Lana secretly stole the key and Archer simply states, "Look I get it you want to bang a red head but are you really considering a devils three way with your son?"
"He will be a man to continue the Royal line!" the king shouts before suddenly shooting Archer in the arm only for nothing to happen.
The Prince though suddenly aimed at his father and shouted, "Father look out!" before shooting him in the neck and the king fell into a pile of mud before drowning.
Archer simply states, "Is this some kind of play for the Royal Crown?"
"What Royal Crown? At this moment my country is the mist of Civil war and this testicle used up almost every piece of gold to join in this hunt every year for the last ten years. I am fourteen, and I have been to ten of these hunts," the Prince shouts in disgust. "Nor do I intend for any one to have their way with my babysitter!" The Prince aims his rifle at Archer.
This caused Archer to reach into his ammo bag and pull out one such dart before squeezing its contents into his mouth before saying, "Go for it, I am currently in the beginning affects of being sober meaning I am going to have a head ache and literally none of this is going to affect me."
Lana simply asks, "Seriously your bluffing?"
"Lana my liver is currently running out of Alcohol to process," Archer counters, "Seriously Lana at this rate I could probably fight off cancer by doing nothing."
Lana sighs and says, "So both you and your father are hunting Kim, so where is your maid?"
"He was sent away when he tripped and revealed himself to be a male," the Prince states confused on why he did that.
Archer then states, "Well either way, Lana the key, please," Lana crosses her arms in annoyance before Archer adds, "Okay I said please and considering that as long as we are seen to win this we can get out of here the way you want for once."
"You are not going to have your way with her," Lana states.
"Which is why Reginald Archer enjoys watching due to the injury that Malory Archer caused to have Reginald Archer to distrust females he has just met," Archer states causing Lana to blink.
Lana simply says, "Damn it," where Archer starts laughing hysterically at that.
Archer then kneels next to Kim and says, "Look we will get back to the castle and we can get you out of the suit and I will let you have my hand gun to shoot Bruno, but first three of us need to get back to the castle," he reveals a leash and says, "If we had better escape plan we would be getting you out that suit. Oh and sorry that you were forced to drink some of my man juice." Kim suddenly kicks Archer in the shin only to discover the rubber soles were padded to stop Kim from hurting the hunters. Archer states, "Look besides now wanting to get a suit like that for role play with a woman I pick up in a bar or a prostitute. For now, let's get you back to ISIS where I can get Kreiger to sow up the stab wound I am starting to feel again," with that he drank another dart of tranquilisers.
With that Lana picked up Archer's maid with a disgusted groan as the maid had an erection while Archer pulled Kim along by a leash back to the castle having made good time as they reached the castle and Reginald Archer was declared the winner before Bruno rushed back after losing. Bruno simply states, "Congratulations on your victory."
Archer simply says, "Whatever I did not enjoy myself, so I don't intend to be doing this again. Unless It was on my private island with live ammo. That is it stealing your idea, but I am not inviting other people because of some bastard decided to shoot my maid, his own maid and myself," Archer drank another tranc before he concludes with, "Plus I need a drink and a helicopter to send me back to Cern so that I can go to my private island and start hunting Kim Possible with a bigger challenge!" Archer appeared angry.
"Of course, I apologise for wasting your time," Bruno states before commenting, "Normally we have a dinner to celebrate but sometimes the losers and other times the winners decide to leave early. I will have a crate supplied to transport your pray."
"Nope, my nurse is getting a reward for having to carry that stupid maid back after they were hit by another hunter. Now, get out of my way," Reginald glared at Bruno before walking away, Bruno being unaware that Archer placed a radioactive tracer for later.
Archer pulled Kim towards the castle where they had to wait until they get their lift out the valley. Lana glared at Kim as she pulled a blanket out for Kim to get warm in while Archer found a fur coat that would cover most of her body. Lana simply questions, "What is wrong with you?"
"Help me hide the GPS transmitter, for when we get back," Archer countered.
"Why?" Lana questioned.
"It can be used to launch a missile from the computers at work," Archer countered before finding his target. A loose floor board that he placed the transmitter in the closet quickly before returning to packing all their equipment. Archer then states, "Well that should do, Lana, why haven't you removed that dumb mask?"
Lana glares at Archer and says, "Because we don't want everyone trying to kill us."
"You can remove the mask for the moment and put it back on when we leave, we technically won," Archer states. Archer then pulls out the Kimunicator and says, "Hey Wade, we will need a quick get away once we get out back to Cern."
"I have organised transport to get you back to the states," Wade states, "Private plane, though I have been unable to locate the who sold out Kim, all I found was that he made a payment to a black ops account that is not linked with anyone in ISIS or any other organisation. Can you put Kim on please need to check if she is okay."
Lana states, "Might be a little difficult," Lana's statement was done as she was trying to use a knife to cut open the mask. "What is this stuff made of, one of Archer's comic character's bones."
Archer sighs and says, "Lana, you need to heat the material full body wise, so a hot tub or a sauna that will loosen the stuff to undo it."
Lana frowns and speaks to Archer, "How would that help, the heat would kill her."
"A little thing called bottled water Lana. Sauna would be the better bet due to reducing the chances of drowning," Archer counters.
"Don't you mean without drowning?" Lana's argument was obvious.
"No as in the cold water dip after the sauna could knock her out and she would drown in the cold bath," Archer states.
"How do you know that?" Lana asks.
"Germany, shortly after I became an ISIS agent. LSD laced liquid latex gear with another female agent that you were competing with for full time agent status," Archer states before admitting, "Though we were kind of in a rush, the terrorists we were killing at the time kind of invented the exploding dildo."
Lana gasps before asking, "You don't think they did that to Kim right?"
"No, the one responsible was a dick, who I killed before he could disarm the bomb," Archer states, "Turns out to disarm it we just needed to remove it before she had a Heart attack due to the LSD. She survived the Bomb and the LSD but the dip in freezing water caused her heart to stop, I didn't notice until twenty minutes passed and don't ask what her name was, Malory decided that she needed a cover identity between agents of ISIS."
Lana frowns, "Oh my god! That was why you asked if that was a real name or my new cover."
Archer sighs and says, "Yeah, plus you have met Malory."
Lana blinks but remains silent as the finished packing as the Maid instructed that their helicopter was ready for them. Kim appearing annoyed under the fox mask. Archer placed a mountain cap on Kim's head before they stepped into the Helicopter and Noticed that the Prince was with them intending to head home as they continued through the flight with Lana doing her best to free Kim's head from the Fox mask with little luck. The in flight movie though they could have done without, as they were showing, 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' not the best movie for the situation.
New York-Couple days later
Eventually they reached Cern where they had to wait a day before Wade's private airplane could take the three back to New York where Kim had to ride a taxi with Archer still in his Reginald Archer disguise as they found themselves outside Kim's penthouse building which turned out to be a warehouse on the edge of New York. Though inside they found Kim's car and in Archer's personal oppionion the most bad ass secret agent pad with a built in Sauna.
Archer took a seat as he drank from a bottle of alcohol he grabbed on the way to the warehouse. Archer was calm as he looked around the apartment simple art, but a couple clear tubes holding what appeared to be Kim's Mission suits, though he found the white and blue bodysuit one looking tacky. An hour later Lana and Kim stepped out of Kim's Sauna with the remains of the Fox suit in shreds Kim says, "When I catch whoever sold me out I am strapping them to a rocket drill and launching them to the sun." She held up a paper bag that she dropped into a trash can only for it to start buzzing before she through it out the window.
Archer chuckles and says, "Well either way," he hands her his cell phone and says, "If you want to blow up the lodge go ahead, that will have a Russian missile launch at the location of the transmitter that I placed."
"Wouldn't that start world war three?" Kim questioned.
"Probably," Archer states before he caught his phone. Archer finished his drink as his Reginald beard started to peel off. "Tell Wade I am keeping the Reginald Archer Allias. Now I am going to call Woodhouse to get dinner ready and to go shopping for liquor." Archer used his cell phone accidently activating the go signal on the missile.
France-ODIN secret missile silo-That moment
The computers that Archer had hacked was actually ODIN's, the French Private Secret Agency like ISIS, and using the credentials of one agent by the name 'Barry' two missiles were launched. The first going to the Lodge with a ballistic yield of an oil tanker heading to the Lodge, and the other with the power of twenty RPGs was flying towards Bruno Gastav's personal penthouse. Destroying both locations minutes later.
Kim Possible's house-That moment
Archer did not even realise what he just did before Lana sighs and says, "Only you Archer!"
End credits-blah blah blah-End Credit scene
The Prince sighs as he arrived in his home country only to sigh as the people did not rebel like he expected. His father drowned in a mile of animal sewage that he fell in after the Prince knocked him out. Now the Prince was now King Aladin of his country which pissed him off.
:End of Chapter 1:
This is an Archer Crossover expected it to be messed up.
Until next time... BEWARE THE WRAITH!