Welcome back! In this chapter, we see Edo's first experiences waking up. Also, Al and Winry get a moment to talk. Just a heads up, there is still some graphic content in this chapter...

Enjoy!

Update 10/17/22: edited chapter to improve flow and cohesion

Update 2/21/23: fixed dashes and hyphens

Update 8/7/23: mass update!

Update 9/24/24: mass update!

Ch 2: To Roll with the Tides

It's quiet. That's the first thing he realizes. The second is he has no idea where he is.

Edward opens his eyes, wincing at the waves of pain rushing through his skull. He is alone in an overly white, overly sterile smelling room, but it looks nothing like the hospital he remembers from when he broke his arm as a four-year-old. There are too many foreign looking machines, and he doesn't hear the hustle and bustle of a working hospital. He stares at the door a moment longer, eyes widening; he recognizes that door pattern. It's the same as all the interior doors at the Rockbells. This room must be on the surgical side of their house, where he's never been allowed to go. What is going on?

He blinks, trying to remember what he'd been doing last...and then he recalls. He remembers the circle activating, and being broken apart, and those giant doors, and that being—and then he was back on the floor, screaming and holding onto a leg that was no longer there, and Al was gone, and he wanted him back. He remembers that monster dying on the floor, and knocking over the armor, and drawing a blood rune in it, and then being at the doors again. But after that, his mind goes blank. There's flashes of light here and there, faces and noise, but nothing coherent. He doesn't remember how he got here, to the forbidden surgical side of the Rockbells.

He tests out moving, finding it hurts just as much as he was expecting. He feels sluggish and uncoordinated, but not enough to miss the pain—even if he can't pinpoint its exact source. There is a needle in his left arm, connected to different bags hanging above him. Clear. Yellowish. He doesn't like needles, but for some reason, he can't find it in him to be afraid right now. He moves his hand to feel down his left leg, ice settling in his chest when his fingers reach the end before even getting to a knee. So it really is gone.

He thinks back to the doors, and that being, and how it taunted him. When he came back for Al's soul, it seemed creepily amused. Then, without asking for so much as a preference, it decided his right arm was a worthy price. Ed's memory blurs there, and doesn't remember the being actually taking his arm the way he remembers it taking his leg. Maybe it spared him.

Ed tries moving his right arm, but aside from a sharp pain in his shoulder, he feels nothing. He moves his left hand over, and instead of a matching appendage, he feels bandages layered over an empty shoulder socket. He leaves his hand there, brushing his fingers loosely over the mutilated limb, entirely unsure what to do. An arm and a leg, gone, missing, just like that. His brain just can't comprehend how that could happen. His eyes are just filling with unwelcome tears when he hears soft footsteps, and the sound of a door opening.

"Ed!"

It's Granny's voice. He shifts his head slightly but doesn't have the strength to raise it to see her rushing over. She grabs his hand, moving it off his shoulder and holding it away. Ed blinks at her; why is his mind so fuzzy? He wants to scream and cry, but he can barely even register that someone is touching him. A strangled sound escapes his throat.

"Shh, it's alright Sprout, I've got you," Granny says before turning her attention to the door. "Winry! Winry, get in here!" She looks back at Ed's concerned face. "I know you're probably pretty confused right now, Ed. You're on some strong medicine, so it's normal. Just listen to my voice, okay?" She turns to the door again. "Seriously, Winry, hurry!"

The girl shows up at the door a few seconds later. "What did you—" she stops mid question. "Ed!" She rushes to her grandmother's side. "What's he doing awake, Grandma? He was in a—It hasn't been long enough!"

"It's unusual, Winry, but not impossible to wake up so soon. Now help me; he was messing with his shoulder when I walked in."

Ed just listens as the Rockbells talk, trying to comprehend what's going on. Why does he feel so out of place? It's like he's some kind of outside observer, floating slightly above his body, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't get his tongue to form words. He's hardly even aware of the hands on him, pulling him upright and unwrapping the bandages from his shoulder.

Then, Winry is in his line of sight. "Hey, Ed, can you hear me?"

He tries answering "yes", but still can't speak. So, he tries nodding instead, but his muscles don't seem to want to respond. He ends up staring blankly at his friend, lost to the situation.

Winry looks over him, to where Granny must be. "I don't think he's responsive."

"I wouldn't expect him to be, with everything we've got in his veins."

No, they're wrong! He can hear them just fine! Ed tries again to get his voice to work, pulling against the grip on his arm, but just ends up mumbling incoherently. Everything is suddenly too bright and loud, and he can't catch his breath.

"Ed, calm down! We're trying to help you…" Winry fights to pull Ed's hand back. "Grandma, I think he's in shock!"

"Wouldn't surprise me. It's his first time being fully conscious; even with everything we've got him on, he's going to be in a lot of pain."

Shock? Damn right he's in shock! It's not every day you wake up missing half of your limbs. He pulls harder against the hands, beginning to feel trapped. In response, the pair on his right (worn, rough, definitely Granny) move from his shoulder to his head. He feels gloved fingers in his hair, brushing through his sweaty bangs. The touch is familiar, and he relaxes a bit.

"There you go, Ed. Just relax." He blinks, trying to focus on her touch. "Winry, give him some laudanum." She returns her attention to Ed. "Now listen, Sprout. I know you can hear me, so just listen. You're in pretty bad shape, but we're doing everything we can to get you better. You have a lot of stitches in your shoulder and leg, so I can't have you touching them, okay? I'm going to take your bandages off and check the sutures, and I need you to lay still." Ed just continues staring wide eyed at her, but she knows he heard. She moves back to his shoulder, finishing unwrapping the last of the dressing. Luckily, he hadn't pulled out any of the stitches in his struggle. There are 42 just in his shoulder, and another 28 in his leg, and that is not something she wants him to mess with.

His wound looks a lot better, too. For the past six days, he's been in various stages of unconsciousness, and she thought he'd stay that way for quite a while longer…but Edward has never been one for following expectations. Now, what had once been an open, bloody mess is swollen, stitched up, and healing. She applies some fresh medication before rewrapping his chest and moving to his leg. It looks even better than his shoulder. She checks his IV lines, feeding tube, and catheter (thankful for the oblivious medicated haze he's still in), pleased that everything is still in place.

"You're healing well, boy," Granny says. "But we still need to be careful, because getting an infection would be very dangerous right now. Now, I was originally coming in here to feed you, so let's do that." He watches her bring over a funnel. She picks up a rubber tube resting over the side of the bed, uncaps it, and puts the funnel in. "This is how you've been eating, Ed," she explains to his confused gaze. "The tube goes through your nose, down your throat, and right to your stomach." She pours some thick looking liquid into the funnel, and he watches as it slowly disappears. Once it's gone, she washes it out with water, puts it away, and moves out of his field of sight again.

Edward shuts his overly heavy eyes, feeling the hands move back to his hair. Everything she said, everything he's feeling, it seems like a dream. There's no way he's really in this situation, right? And what about—

Alphonse! How could he forget about his little brother! Where is he?! Ed remembers asking for him at the big doors, but then he passed out. What if he didn't succeed in bonding his soul? What if he's...what if he's dead?

"Al...Al!" It takes a moment for Ed to realize it's his own voice speaking. "Al! Where...where…" He starts fighting the hands again, needing to get up and find his brother.

"Shh, calm down, Ed, Alphonse is here," Pinako says soothingly, her fingers moving from his hair to gently hold him in place. She knows that, even drugged up, he won't stop fighting until he gets proof, so she hurriedly orders Winry to get Al. Footsteps rush away, and a minute later, what sounds like crashing pots and pans come rushing in.

"Brother!"

It's Al's voice; Edward could sob. He forces his eyes open again, but instead of seeing the little boy he grew up with in front of him, there's one of his father's massive antique armor sets.

"I'm so happy you're awake!" Al's voice says.

"Al?" Ed asks softly, his face shining with a light fear that's involuntary but saddening nonetheless.

"Brother?"

"You're...you're alive?" Ed struggles with the words. He remembers putting the seal in that specific armor, but he doesn't want to believe he'd actually succeeded in catching Al's soul in there until he hears it himself.

"I'm alive. You saved me, Ed."

Edward can't help it; any fear he held evaporates from his expression and a steady stream of tears begin leaking from his eyes. Al is alive. "I'm...I'm so glad...you're okay…" he says between sobs.

Pinako purses her lips at the sudden sobbing, and shoos the other two kids away; this is the last thing Ed needs right now. "Alright, Al, Winry, get'cha selves out of here. Edward needs rest, not stress."

Al stands tense for a moment, because this is the first time he's seen his brother truly awake in a week. The last thing he wants to do is leave...but Granny said that her orders are absolute when it comes to Ed right now, and Al and Winry have to respect that. So, begrudgingly, Al turns away from his crying older brother.

"...Okay. I'll see you later, Brother." The pots and pans sound fades away as Al clamors out of the room. Ed's eyes follow the sound, even though he can't lift his head to watch. He sniffles, only having had enough energy to cry for a brief amount of time. Once the banging sound is completely gone, a blank, yet slightly perplexed, look settles on Ed's tear-stained face.

"Ed?" Pinako asks warily. She's never seen such a rapid change of mood in Edward before—at least not when it involved tears. It's probably the medicine...but she's concerned nonetheless.

Ed shifts his gaze to Granny. Even he's not sure what his emotions are telling him. He didn't want Al (or Winry) to leave, but he couldn't get himself to ask for them to stay, either. He's so confused…but for now, there's just one question he has to reiterate. "Is he really here, Granny?" It still feels too good to be true.

The tension in Pinako's shoulders relaxes. She can answer that. "Yes, Sprout. Your brother is here. He told me everything."

"Everything?" A hint of fear worms its way into Ed's voice.

"Yes. I'm not mad at you, boy. Just worried." Now that is a lie. She had been absolutely furious when she realized what they'd done. She went over to the house to see for herself, coming face to face with the mangled black corpse on the floor, and the seemingly endless bloodstains. She buried the body in a shallow grave, searched for any signs of Alphonse's body or Edward's missing limbs, and left feeling ten times more disturbed when she found nothing but blood and clothing. She told Alphonse they were fools, and were extremely lucky to be alive. But she also told him she was more than happy they were alive. They did something stupid, but she loves them too much to stay angry. She looks back at Ed's pained expression, eyes scolding. "You really scared Winry and me."

"I'm sorry, Granny." Ed sounds far too young.

Her expression softens. "Hush now. Winry gave you some medicine earlier to help you relax. How do you feel?"

"Tired."

"Good. Get some sleep." Granny brushes her fingers through his hair one more time. "I'll be back in a couple hours to check on you."

Ed watches her leave his line of sight, fighting his heavy eyelids. Finally, the drowsiness wins, and he slips unconscious again.

…

The second time Edward rouses is due to pain.

He can feel it through his unconscious mind, trying so hard to both pull him to the surface and keep him under. He feels so cold and so hot at the same time, and his head is muddy and throbbing. Even through the fog, though, he knows one thing: it hurts. It feels like someone shoved several knives into his shoulder and is twisting them around. Finally, he breaches the waking world, eyes snapping open and breath catching in his chest. A rush of bile rises in his throat, and he loses everything in his stomach before he even realizes what's happening.

And he screams.

Winry is there in seconds. She takes one look at the situation and frantically calls for Pinako.

"He's awake but something's wrong!" she yells. Both girls hurry to his side, and a hand touches his head. "He's burning up!"

"Get his temperature, Winry," Granny's voice says. "Ed, can you hear me?" Edward whimpers, looking up at her. It's way too bright, and all he sees are blurry shapes. "Winry's gonna put the thermometer in your mouth. Hang on a sec." He feels something slide under his tongue.

"102.9," Winry reports.

"Dammit…" Granny mutters. "Edward, I know it's tough, but I need you to tell me what's wrong."

What's wrong? What's wrong? How can he pinpoint what's wrong when his entire being is on fire? He feels so sick...so sick...He claws at the sheets, trying to take deep breaths. What the hell is happening to him?

"Are you in pain?" Granny asks. Ed nods fervently. "Is it your leg?" No..."Shoulder?" Yes! Yes! "Okay, I'm going to need to look at it, Ed. With that fever, you might have caught an infection."

Pinako gets to work unwrapping his shoulder dressing. She curses under her breath; the skin is red and puffy, leaking pus between sutures. "Winry, get me some antiseptic! Something got to him." Winry brings over a cloth soaked in antiseptic solution.

"What happened?" Winry asks, looking horrified at the mess Ed's shoulder has become. "He was fine yesterday!"

"I know…Some bacteria must've gotten in there when he woke up Tuesday and it's just now settled in. We'll get it flushed out, but I'll have to break some sutures so it can drain."

Ed lets out another strangled sound. The air on his wound might as well be flames, and he's too disoriented in the fever and medicine to think clearly. He tries to roll away, to escape the assault on his senses. "Granny...hurts...ugh, really hurts!"

"I know it does, Ed. But we need to get it clean before it makes you any sicker."

"So hot...feels like knives..."

"Winry'll get you something in a moment. Now, you need to hold still so I can help you." Pinako sticks a novocaine needle near the infected skin. She gives it a moment to numb him before snipping a couple of the stitches and pulling out the thread, tearing at his half-healed skin. Winry returns with a cold, wet cloth, setting it over Ed's eyes. "Can you make me a diffuser bottle?" Pinako asks her.

"Antiseptic?"

"Three fourths water," Pinako clarifies, and Winry gets to work. "And when you're done, get some extra morphine in the drip!"

"...Aren't we already doing max dosages?" Winry asks quietly.

"Lower something else, I don't care. Just put the painkiller in there!" Winry hands Pinako the bottle. "Okay, Sprout, this is going to feel a little weird, but don't panic. I'm just flushing out the bacteria with some water." She squeezes a stream of the antiseptic mixture into the reopened wound, making Ed flinch. She knows with the novocaine it doesn't hurt him, but he can tell something is going into his shoulder. Something is coming out too, and she purses her lips as she wipes the watery discharge from the wound, knowing some kind of oversight in her care has allowed for this. Bacteria are tricky little things, but she should've been more careful; she knows how dangerous infection is. Ed squirms slightly, wanting to get away from the uncomfortable sensations. "I know, Ed, it'll just be a minute." She repeats her cleaning process before handing the bottle back to Winry and setting her fingers on his remaining stitches. "Tell me, can you feel me touching you?" He shakes his head no. "Good." She quickly redoes a couple stitches. She won't redo all of them because she'll have to keep flushing out the wound for a few days until she's positive the infection is clear, so it's easier to leave part of it open—but not too much that the bacteria can get back in easily. She puts a healthy coat of medication on the wound before wrapping fresh bandages around his chest. "I'm going to take a quick look at your leg to make sure it's not infected too. Winry, check his temperature again." Each girl goes to her respective job.

"102.8."

"And his leg looks fine. I'm going to clean it just to be safe though." Pinako works quickly but thoroughly, then returns to Edward's field of vision. "Feel any better?"

"Still so hot," he mumbles. "Sick...

"How's the pain?"

"Don' feel it 'nymore."

"I gave you some medicine to numb you up, but you should try to go back to sleep. It's not going to last forever, but if you sleep, you won't notice when it wears off."

"Al okay?"

"He's just fine, Ed. You can sleep."

"Tell 'im...'m sorry."

"He already knows."

"So sorry..."

"Quiet now. Get some rest."

"Threw up…"

"It's okay. We'll get it cleaned up. Just go back to sleep."

Ed doesn't want to listen, but his body has other plans. Before he can even form a retort, he's out.

…

The third time Edward comes back to consciousness, he is having a nightmare.

He sees it all again, the circle and the doors and the blood, except this time, he can't save Alphonse. When he comes before the white being again, it refuses his offer for exchange, sending him back to bleed to death on the floor beside his mother. The last thing he remembers before dying are the transmutation's mangled hands reaching for him, asking him how he could kill his mother, brother, and himself in one day.

Ed wakes with tears in his eyes, breathing shaky and body trembling. He brings his hand to his face, trying to tell himself it was just a dream. But apart from the ending, it really wasn't...and that makes it so much worse. He ruined his brother's life.

"Brother? Are you awake?"

Ed moves his hand, seeing the giant suit of armor that's supposed to be Alphonse standing in the doorway. It shuffles into the room, standing a few feet away, as if it's afraid to get too close. And as much as Ed is ashamed to admit it, he doesn't want it to get too close. Not right now.

"Do you feel okay? Should I get Granny?" Al asks.

"Al…" Ed whispers.

"Yeah?"

"It's...really you, isn't it?"

"Of course, Brother."

"There's a seal inside the back of the armor. I transmuted it."

"I saw."

"It took my arm."

Al doesn't respond beyond a small whimper to that statement.

"Are you...okay?" Ed asks warily.

"I'll be fine. I'm more worried about you."

Ed ignores this, pushing away his discomfort and reaching toward Al. Al moves just enough to let him touch his leather gauntlet. "Can you feel anything?" Ed asks, loosely gripping the glove.

The armor shifts. "No...I can't seem to sleep either; I never get tired. And I can't eat." Al's tone brightens. "But I can see and hear just fine! And that's all I really need."

Ed doesn't know how to respond to that. Al can't feel anymore? How unfair is that...While Edward grew up with words as his biggest comfort, Alphonse always wanted physical touch. To be deprived of it...Ed is so cruel. Some older brother.

Against his will, the tears in his eyes spill over. But then that reminds him that Al can't cry anymore, and makes his sobbing come harder, as if he's crying for both of them.

"Ed, are you okay? Are you hurting? Do you need Granny?" Al's voice sounds panicked, but Ed can't bring himself to tell his little brother what's really wrong.

He wonders if he ever will.

…

It's been thirty hours since the last time Edward broke the waking world, and the other three inhabitants of the house are growing anxious. Not because they're worried he won't wake again, but simply because getting a glimpse of Ed's consciousness has them eager for more, even if the reason is different for each person. For Alphonse, he sees Ed's consciousness as a much needed bit of normalcy in this backwards situation. For Pinako, she sees Ed's consciousness as a good sign in his improving health. For Winry, she sees it as a mixture of both.

Al has taken advantage of his lack of physical needs to sit at Ed's bedside for the better part of those thirty hours. His newfound height gives him a perfect view of his brother, even while sitting. He's watched every miniscule movement Ed has made, and every routine procedure the Rockbells have done throughout the day. He's watched Ed eat, watched his IVs be checked and switched, watched his injuries be tended to. And despite remaining entirely motionless for over a day, he hasn't once grown tired of watching. Simply seeing the steady rise and fall of Edward's chest is enough to keep Al content.

When Granny first came into the room that morning, Al noted how she talked to Ed throughout everything she did. He asked why, and she said that even though Ed is unconscious, he might be able to hear what others say to him, so she talks over all her procedures just in case. Once she left, Al took her words to heart, and began talking to Ed periodically.

"It's really cloudy today. I don't know if you noticed, but there's a window in here. I can see it from here. If you want, I can describe anything I see outside."

Of course, Al gets no response, but he imagines Ed replying "sure".

"Okay." Al gazes out the window, looking for anything interesting. "There's a bird flying kind of close. I think it's a crow. That's your favorite kind, isn't it?"

He imagines Ed grinning in response.

However, it's not long before the mood of Al's one sided conversation deteriorates. He's run out of positive things to say, and despite his usual demeanor, all he has left to think about is the bad stuff.

"I was really scared, Brother. I'm still really scared. I didn't know what happened, and then I woke up and everything was wrong. I couldn't even control myself, but you were there on the floor, and I didn't even know if you were alive. So I had to do something." Al watches Ed, both hoping he will and won't begin stirring. "It was so weird, Ed. It's still so weird. Being able to move like I would with my body, but without the feeling. Granny and Winry were afraid of me at first, I think. They wouldn't come too close, and I didn't want to get too close. It took a while to learn some control, and honestly I'm still trying to learn. I broke a lot of stuff the first few days, so much that Granny wouldn't let me near any valuables for a while. It kind of hurts, but I can't blame her, I guess. I'm probably kind of scary…"

Al looks over his brother again, taking in all the equipment hooked up to him. He looks so weak, lying there prone with various tubes feeding into his body and bandages wrapped around missing limbs. "I wish you were awake." Al whimpers, falling into the peculiar state where he can almost feel himself crying, but has no physical outlet for the emotion. "I want to talk to you, to hear your voice. That's all I have now, Brother. I can't touch you because I'm afraid of hurting you, and even if I did, I can't feel anything. I miss your voice...I miss it so much, and it's only been a day."

Al knows he should stop. If Ed really can hear him, he doesn't need to hear all this. But Al can't force himself to calm down; it's like the words are involuntary, and if he doesn't say them, he'll lose his mind. "I didn't even get a chance to realize what was happening, Ed, and the last thing I remember is reaching for you. And now...now I'm in this unfeeling body and I can't sleep or eat or smell and you're missing limbs and unconscious and I don't know what to do." Al stares at Ed's motionless form, wanting answers he knows he can't receive. "What do I do, Brother? What do we do? I don't know anymore...I don't know…" he drifts off, burying the armor's helmet in its arms. He feels so lost, so alone without his older brother's guidance, and he just wants, more than anything, to go back to that night and tell Edward his fears. He was always wary of human transmutation, but he was so taken by his brother's enthusiasm that he really began to believe they could do it. So, he pushed down his lingering doubts and followed Ed without a word of protest. He feels so guilty for that now; it's always been difficult to get Ed to listen to others when he's determined, but if there was one person who had a chance of making him rethink the transmutation, it would have been Alphonse. He can't help but wonder if he could have convinced Ed not to go through with it...if he could have prevented their self-maiming. He looks back at Ed, at the way his blanket sinks in where it should be displaced by his arm and leg, and he curls into himself again.

But Ed can offer him no consolation.

An hour or so later, Winry's voice breaks into Al's stupor.

"Al?"

His head snaps up, seeing her standing in the doorway holding a plate of food.

"Are you alright?" she asks, brows drawn in concern.

Al looks away. "Not really."

Winry walks into the room, sitting on the end of Edward's bed. "Want to talk about it?"

"I don't know."

Winry just nods in understanding, eating a forkful of chicken. She looks over at Ed, watching him much like Alphonse has been while she eats.

Al lets his gaze float between his brother and Winry. He doesn't think she would know any more than him, but maybe it would still be worth asking..."Winry?" She looks at her armor friend, waiting. "What are we gonna do?"

Winry remains quiet, chewing on her bite of chicken much longer than she needs to before swallowing. "I don't know, Al."

"That's what I've been trying to figure out. The whole time I've been in here."

"Well...once Ed's healed, Grandma can make him a new leg. And then once he's sixteen, we can make him some automail."

This isn't the answer Al wants to hear, but he knows she doesn't really have anything else to offer. Giving his brother mobility is the only thing that has a reasonable answer; every other question about their future can only be guessed. "Yeah…" he starts. "But what about everything else?" Al gets that tense sensation again, the one he's learned means he's afraid. "Brother and I committed a taboo. If anyone found out...they'd never come near us. I don't want to live the rest of our lives worrying about what others think of us, and what we could do to them in some kind of freak accident. I...I don't want people to be afraid of us…"

Winry stares at the floor. "I wish I had an answer, Al. You know I do."

"I know," Al replies. "But the things I'm asking don't really have an answer anyway."

It remains quiet for a few minutes. Winry puts aside her dinner plate, still half full; she can't eat anymore.

"How are you feeling, Winry?" Al finally asks.

After a moment, Winry vaguely shrugs. "I don't really know. I haven't had much time to think about it." She looks between the Elrics, sighing. "Sometimes I think I'm going to wake up, and it'll be like it used to. Like it was the day before you two...you know. I think I'm going to walk into your room, and you guys'll be in bed, reading books or talking or doing stuff like it was. But then I see you, and you're stuck in that armor, and Ed is down here, half alive, and it all comes rushing back." Her words are surprisingly calm, as if she's used up all her emotion and all she has left is a quiet acceptance.

Al doesn't reply; he's not sure what he could say to that.

"I guess...I just miss how it used to be," Winry finishes.

"Me too," Al says quietly.

After that, with the mood effectively dampened, Winry leaves. On her way out, she says that Granny will be in one more time before bed to make sure Ed is good for the night, and that hopefully he'll wake up again tomorrow. Al just hums in acknowledgement, already back to watching his brother.

Much later, in the early hours of the morning, a quiet, overly slow voice breaks Al's silent vigil.

"I...miss it too...Al."

But before Al can even register the words, Edward is out once again.

hope you all enjoyed and will join me for the next chapter