Hey guys, welcome back!

In this chapter we've got some Winry and Ed banter, some Winry and Ed sadness, some Alphonse sadness, and some Al and Ed understandings.

For anyone who hasn't seen it before, I based the Alphonse section off of a short story by Arakawa titled "Long Night". My version's a whole lot more angsty (duh), but I highly recommend checking out the original work! It's translated a little funky, but it's super cute :D

You can find a version here (you guys know how ffn hates links... just put it all together):

magicalgirltwirl

. tumblr

dot com

/post/170199123576/fullmetal-alchemist-gaidenside-story

With that out of the way, enjoy!

(Edit: reformatted the italics because for some reason they didn't paste when I uploaded)

(Edit 11/20/22: updated chapter with improvements)

(Edit 8/8/23: mass update!)

(Edit 9/26/24: mass update!)

Ch 9: To Be Alive

Winry wasn't kidding when she said she'd have Edward begging for mercy within a week. She's become an all out dictator in physical therapy.

The two eleven-year-olds are standing at opposite corners of the room, with Ed's orders simply being to make his way over to her.

"Come on, Ed, I told you to let go of the rail!" she barks, hands on her hips.

"Geez, give me more than two seconds to do things." Ed exhales slowly, letting his grip slide off the metal railing. The moment he's forced to keep his weight on his legs, a deep pain radiates through his left and he nearly crumples to the floor. He thought the pain would have gone away by now (and it kind of has, at least where his leg meets the prosthesis), but there's now a sort of deep-settled achiness in his bones (that Winry said will also eventually get better). "It's just nonstop with you...sometimes I think you like seeing me in pain."

Winry scoffs. "If you were in actual pain, it'd be different."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure I'm in actual pain, Winry," Ed replies, face mixed between rage and anguish.

Winry briefly thinks back to the day Ed and Al showed up, one half-dead and the other missing entirely, and how terrifying those hours had been. She shudders, pushing those memories away; she never wants to see her friend like that again, and if it means putting him through some difficult training, she'll do it. She knows he's not lying about being in pain; his muscles are still trying to get used to working again, and in a manner they're not accustomed to. She just can't give him any incentive to give up…or be purposefully stubborn. "It's thirty feet. I'm not making you do anything our other patients haven't done."

"So that's all I am to you? Another patient? That's low."

Winry doesn't reply; she knows he's just trying to get a reaction out of her.

But he's not finished. "So tell me, do you often make your 'other patients' miserable? Something you enjoy?"

"I know what you're trying to do, Ed, so shut up. I'm not going to give in so easily." Winry crosses her arms. "Now walk!"

Ed scowls at her, biting his tongue. He takes a couple limping steps forward, and Winry smirks.

For as much as he complains, he's made a lot of progress. He can walk pretty steadily with the support of the railing, and has greatly improved his balance without it. He can also keep the prosthesis on for longer periods of time, even if he can't put weight on it for the whole of that time. Winry knows all his bellyaching is more for show than anything; he's determined, and he won't let some pain and humiliation stop him.

"How come I can't have a crutch or something?" Ed asks.

"I'll give you one later; this is just for therapy. Although I don't know if we have any in your size."

"You're lucky I can't run yet or I'd tackle you."

Yet. It's the addition of that simple word that brings a smile to Winry's face. She's more than thrilled with Ed's change of attitude in the past week; he's finally starting to resemble the boy she grew up with again.

So, she decides to egg him on. "Like you could ever make it over here."

Ed's eyes narrow, the message clear; is that a challenge?

"You heard me," she says. "With legs as short as yours, it'll take you a year to get to me!"

Ed glares daggers into her. He starts moving faster, mouth twisting into a grimace as the steps aggravate the pain in his stump, but his eyes remain focused and determined.

"Aw, did I make you angry?" Winry giggles. "Sorry you have such a short temper."

Ed's gaze is downright murderous. What he doesn't notice, though, is how his footfalls grow increasingly more even with each step. Winry grins; her method is working.

"I'm surprised you can even see me from down there! What's it like, living at a different altitude than the rest of us?"

And just like that, Ed is right up in Winry's face, eyes burning hatred into hers (which he has to look up slightly to do, he's loath to admit). She throws her head back, laughing.

"What the hell is so funny?" he demands.

"Oh nothing," she replies. "Just that you didn't even notice what I was doing."

It's only now that Ed seems to realize where he is. He looks back, noting the distance he walked in such a short amount of time. He was so focused on her comments he didn't even notice he was walking. He looks back at Winry's smug smile and scowls again.

"That wasn't nice. Insulting me like that…" he mutters.

"But it worked." Winry takes Ed's hand, slinging his arm around her shoulders. "Come on. Let's do some other exercises."

…

Pinako, Winry, and Ed are sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner. In the last five days, this has increasingly become the typical scene; the three of them eating, with Alphonse waiting upstairs. It's begun to worry Ed.

He's tried asking Al why he won't sit with them anymore, but the younger boy just offers nonspecific excuses. For a day, Ed tried skipping meals to be with Al, but that was met with scolding from both the Elric and Rockbell sides. So now, he's left wondering what he can do. He can't get Al to tell the truth, and he can't skip eating, so what does that leave?

As much as he dreads the idea, he's going to have to ask Winry if she knows anything...

After dinner, Ed and Winry return to the physical therapy room for their evening routine. In the past several days, they've moved from an hour of work in the morning to two hours in the morning and one at night. Most of the time now, Ed can make his way around the main level of the house with the aid of a crutch, and only has to use the wheelchair when his leg is hurting too much to walk. He'll never admit it, but Winry is a damned good coach.

Today, though, Ed's mind is clearly elsewhere. His reaction time is slow, and he only seems to be half listening to Winry's orders. Ten minutes into their exercise, Winry stops, giving Ed a skeptical look.

"What're you thinking about?" she asks.

"I dunno, it's just…" Ed trails off, still wary of asking Winry for help. He sighs; he can't figure this out alone. "Have you noticed anything weird about Al lately?"

"You mean how he doesn't have dinner with us anymore?"

"Yeah...I asked him why but he wouldn't give me a straight answer."

"I don't know. Maybe he's just—no, Ed, put your foot over here—maybe he's just in a mood. You get in moods all the time."

Ed's eyes snap to hers at the statement, but he has to admit she's kind of right. About him, at least. He does get into moods, and has ever since he was a toddler, but Al has never been like him in that way. He remembers times when Al was upset, but rarely for more than a few hours. This is really unusual behavior.

"He hasn't been staying in my room at night, either," Ed adds. Ever since those soldiers visited and Ed regained his will to live, Al has been sitting by his bed in the recovery suite every night while he sleeps. But for the past five days, Ed has woken up in the middle of the night to find his brother gone.

"Well, he doesn't sleep, so he's probably doing something else," Winry rationalizes. "Take a seat, Ed."

Ed does as told, pondering her response as she works to remove his prosthesis. "But he said he likes sitting with me while I sleep. He said it's comforting, like when we used to have sleepovers here."

Winry sets the metal leg off to the side, guiding Ed off his stool and to the floor. "Well...Now that I think about it, there is something he told me when you were unconscious that first week…"

Ed leans forward, getting much closer to Winry than he'd normally ever let himself. "What? What'd he say?" he asks, perhaps a bit too eagerly.

Winry pushes him back, smirking. "Lay down and do your stretches, dummy. The last thing we need is you getting a contracture." Ed pouts, laying flat on his back and holding his left leg to his chest. "It was the second night, and I think that was when he realized he can't sleep. I went into your room to check on him before I went to bed, and he said he was scared." Winry pulls Ed's leg to the side to stretch his hip. "He said being awake while everyone else is asleep is unsettling, and it makes him lonely."

Ed sighs. "That makes sense. Mom said that most mornings, she'd go to wake me up and Al would be in bed with me." He smiles a little at the memory, before slipping back into sadness. "He's never liked being alone at night." Winry nods somberly, moving Ed's leg in the other direction. "I wish there was something we could do to help him."

"Me too…" Winry looks at her friend's face, noticing a glint in his eye. "But don't you even think about skipping sleep because of him!"

Ed frowns. "I was not thinking that!" he says (too) defensively.

"Yes, you were! You were going to force yourself to stay awake to make Al feel better!" Winry throws a fist into Ed's good shoulder. "You need to sleep, Edward! If you want automail, you can't neglect your health. You have nineteen days left to get ready, and Grandma will cancel your surgery in the blink of an eye if you're even the slightest bit unprepared."

Ed closes his eyes, sighing. "I know, I know...I just feel so bad for him."

Winry looks away. "I get it."

Ed hears a soft sniffle, and he pushes himself up. "Winry?"

The girl rubs her eyes, trying to calm her muffled cries. That only ends up making her tears fall faster.

"Stop crying, Winry…" Ed says. "Please. Why're you crying?"

Suddenly, her face screws up into a mix of rage and misery, and she breaks entirely. "Why do you think?!" Ed blinks at the outburst. "This hasn't been easy! Seeing you two like this...I almost watched you die that night, Ed!" She buries her head in her arms. "You just about stopped breathing...and Grandma and me...we had to keep working. I've never been so scared in my life! I thought you were dead! I thought you were dead!" Ed stares blankly at her, entirely unsure what to do. "And then Al...he couldn't figure out how to control himself, and the next day, he didn't see me and just about ran me over. Grandma made him go upstairs, and he just kept apologizing, and I'm not gonna lie, it really hurt, but I couldn't tell him because it's not his fault and I didn't wanna make him feel bad, and—and…" Winry sucks in a breath, trying to calm her sobbing. "And me and Grandma were trying to help him feel better—to help you feel better!—but you...you just...gave up on life."

Ed looks down. His memory is spotty from the transmutation to those soldiers' visit, but to see Winry in such distress over what happened to him and Alphonse...A ball of guilt settles in his stomach like lead. He reaches out, hesitating before setting his hand on her shoulder. She freezes, and for a moment, he thinks he's done something wrong—before she throws herself forward, wrapping her arms around him and still shaking with tears.

"I'm sorry," Ed whispers, shifting his arm to hug her back.

Winry sniffs. "I know. I'm not...angry. I just...it's just been a lot."

Ed doesn't reply. He's been so focused on his brother, he didn't even think how all of this could have affected the Rockbells. "I'm sorry," he repeats.

"It's okay." Winry releases him, looking sheepish. She clears any residual tears from her face, tearing a deep breath. "Just...Just keep getting better, alright?"

Ed nods in agreement, softly smiling at the determination in her voice. Yes, he thinks to himself, that's just what we'll do.

…

That night, Edward wakes in the early hours of the morning to find Alphonse gone once again.

"Al?" he tests, not loud enough to get the Rockbells in the room, but loud enough Al could hear if he's nearby. He waits, but the telltale sound of crashing metal is nowhere to be heard.

Where could he be? Ed frowns; Winry has a strict no-leg policy at night (so strict she takes it to her room when she goes to bed because she knows he wouldn't listen otherwise). Ed fishes around the side of the bed for his crutch, getting up and making his way to the bottom of the stairs. Winry's room is just off to the side at the top of the stairs, and Granny's is down the hall, so he tries his hardest to call for her at the perfect volume. "Winry! Winry, come here!"

A minute later, the girl appears at the top of the steps. "Ed?" she asks groggily. "Is that you?"

"Yeah."

Winry rushes down the stairs, suddenly wide awake. "Is something wrong? Are you hurt?" she asks, words blurring together in panic as her hands frantically hover over his body, trying to find the source of possible pain.

"No, no, I'm fine," he says quickly, alleviating her worry. "But I can't find Al. Is he upstairs?"

Winry sighs in relief, contemplating Ed's words. "Let me look." She goes upstairs, coming back to the landing a couple minutes later with a perplexed expression. "He's not up here...I can't find Den, either." She exhales slowly, tapping her fingers against her sides before turning back to her room. "I'll be right back."

"Don't wake Granny!" Ed whisper-shouts after her.

And just like that, the tiny old woman appears on the stairs as if summoned. "And why don't you need to wake me?"

Ed internally curses. If he didn't know any better, he'd accuse her of being a witch with the sense of timing she has. "It's nothing. Really."

"Then why are you out of bed, Edward?" Pinako crosses her arms, glancing to the left. "And why is Winry coming down the hall with your leg in her arms?"

Ed hears Winry yelp. "Grandma—I—we—" The other eleven-year-old appears next to Pinako, carrying Ed's metal leg.

"All right, you two, spill it," the grandmother says.

"Well, you see…" Winry hesitates. "We think Alphonse is missing."

Pinako's expression instantly melts into concern. "You sure?"

"Ed said he looked downstairs, and I looked up here, and we can't find him."

Pinako starts down the steps, Winry following. "Well...we need to find him. Winry, you and I will go out and look, and Ed can wait here in case he comes back."

A sudden burst of anger rises in Ed's chest. "No!" he yells before he even processes he's speaking aloud.

"Ed, you're not ready to—"

He cuts her off. "I am not just gonna stay here and be useless! My brother is missing! And it's my fault he's upset in the first place, so I need to go find him!" Pinako starts to say something but Ed cuts her off again. "And you're not going to stop me! I will crawl out of this house if I have to, but I am finding my brother!"

"Edward!" Pinako yells, finally silencing the boy. She sighs, looking between him and her granddaughter. "Winry…" The two kids hold their breath. "Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. I'll wait here."

Winry nods, helping Ed attach his leg. Then, with his arm slung over her shoulders, the two head into the night.

...

Resembool has always been a beautiful place. Endless rolling fields filled with sheep and crops, surrounded by mountains reaching up into the open skies. The settlement is sparse, with homes sprinkled about every half mile or so, and at night, you can see every star in the sky. But right now, as Ed and Winry make their way across the fields, the beautiful rural town feels unsettling. It's dark, much darker than any other city in Amestris, and the flowing grass looks like a sea of black under the dim moonlight.

"Where would he have gone, Ed?" Winry asks. "Do you have any idea?"

Ed thinks for only a moment before it clicks; there's only one place his little brother goes when he's upset. "The river. Behind our house," he says confidently.

Winry nods, shifting directions to head toward the Elrics' house. She grips Ed's hand tightly, a bit of worry gnawing at her as she hears him start breathing harder, his hand growing clammy with sweat.

"Go faster," Ed urges.

"But we haven't done anything this rigorous yet," Winry says softly. Edward has barely started walking; she knows he's nowhere near ready for running.

"I said go faster!" he repeats, taking a couple deep breaths. "...I can do it."

Against her better judgment, Winry lets herself break into a jog. Ed tries his best to keep up, but he ends up mostly hanging onto her and hopping on his right leg as they run. By the time they make it halfway across the field, both Ed's leg and shoulder are on fire, but he just grits his teeth and keeps going.

Al...he's all alone and upset and he needs me. Keep going, Ed, you're not this weak!

Winry glances at her friend, noting the sweat plastering his bangs to his face and the pain in his expression. "Ed, we should stop. You're going to hurt yourself."

"I'm fine, Winry, shut up!" Ed shouts, voice strained.

Winry looks at him in concern, but says nothing else. She readjusts her hold on his arm, trying to let as much of his weight rest on her as possible.

Finally, the river comes into view. And on its banks, glinting in the moonlight, is a massive suit of armor.

Despite the fiery agony racing through his body, a wave of relief crashes over Ed. "Al! Al!" he shouts.

The armor turns. "Brother?" Al asks in disbelief, before what he's seeing sinks in and he jumps up, running to meet Ed and Winry. Den runs beside him, barking at the two visitors. "What are you doing here?!"

"What do you mean, what am I doing here?!" Ed yells. "You disappear in the middle of the night and expect me not to come find you?"

Al makes a sound that could be confused for a kitten.

"Why did you run away? You scared me, Al!" Ed says between panting breaths.

Al stares at his brother for a moment. "Ed, you're hurt…"

"Shut up, I'm fine! Why'd you run away?"

"You pushed yourself too hard, didn't you?"

"STOP IGNORING MY QUESTION!" Ed tears his arm from Winry's grip, staggering forward a couple steps. "Why did you leave, Al?" Ed feels tears in his eyes, and he's not sure if they're from the pain or his brother's refusal to answer. His left leg is burning, and the right one just isn't strong enough to handle his weight any longer. He loses his balance, knee buckling and body pitching forward. Al's arms shoot out to catch him, guiding him gently to the ground.

"Brother...I…" Al looks Ed over, suddenly feeling very guilty. His big brother is staring at him, eyes both furious and drowning in misery, his hand gripping his bandaged shoulder and breathing labored. "I'm sorry."

Ed's expression furrows in confusion. "Al, what's been going on with you?" he asks, tone reverted to a timid child. Winry steps forward, kneeling in the grass beside Ed, her eyes just as big and heartbroken as she waits for Al's response.

"I just…" Al starts meekly, "I've just been so lonely!" He covers his head with his hands, making a sound akin to a sob. "Spending every night with no one to talk to and nothing to do...it made me think about bad things and I couldn't take it anymore…" His voice is thick with tears his armored body can't shed. "So I thought I could make it better by going away, but it was still just as empty. And then Den followed me to keep me company, but she just kept trying to lick and comfort me, and I couldn't feel it, and it just made everything worse." Al moves his hands, glowing eyes focusing on his brother and Winry. "And then you two showed up, and I feel terrible now. Ed is hurt, and it's all my fault…"

"Stop it, Al, right now," Ed says. "This isn't about me. You make everything about me, and I'm sick of it."

"I'm sorry, Brother."

"And stop apologizing! I'm the one who should be apologizing…"

It's quiet for a minute, with just the soft sounds of Ed's breathing and Al's transcendent whimpering.

Finally, Winry speaks. "Al? Are you ready to come home?" she asks quietly, not meeting his gaze.

He remains still a moment longer before answering. "Yeah."

Winry and Al stand, the girl offering her hand to Ed. He stares at it for a moment before grabbing it, attempting and failing to get to his feet. He tries again, but his legs just won't support his weight. Adrenaline settled, all he feels is the fiery pain in his missing limbs (and everywhere else), and is so nauseous he's one wrongly-timed swallow away from puking.

"Are you okay?" Al asks.

Not meeting either of their eyes, he gives a slight shake of the head.

"He probably overexerted himself," Winry says. She doesn't add how Granny told him so, because she was just as eager for him to come along. "We should get back so Grandma can look at him."

Ed wants to argue, but the energy required for that is energy he just doesn't have. He feels large metal arms pick him up, and he shuts his eyes, the motion threatening his gag reflex even worse than before.

"Hang on, Ed. We're going home," Al says, his voice reverberating right next to Ed's ear.

Home? Where exactly is that? Ed isn't sure anymore. He covers his eyes with his forearm, fighting back the urge to vomit. Ever since Mom died, the Rockbells have made a home for the Elrics. Even before then, the two families were so close that each other's houses were already like second homes. But once Ed became obsessed with alchemy, he didn't feel like the Rockbells' was home anymore. He still doesn't, especially since he's practically become just another patient in their care. But now, he doesn't feel like the house he was born in is home either. There's too many nightmarish memories tied to it, and he can't picture himself stepping foot inside ever again.

I guess I don't really have a home anymore, do I?

Ed opens his eyes, blinking back the tears burning against them as the familiar shape of the Rockbell house comes into view. As they get closer, he can make out the figure of Granny on the front porch.

Pinako doesn't say anything when she sees Edward in Alphonse's arms; she already had a feeling that would happen. "Get inside, you three," she says when they get to the stairs. "Bring Ed to his room."

Al stays silent, doing as told. Once Ed is out of his grasp, the younger boy bows his head in shame. "I'm sorry, Granny. I'm really sorry."

"You can tell me everything in the morning, Alphonse," Granny says, surprising both Elrics with her calm demeanor. "Right now, all that matters is that you're home." She looks from Al to Ed. "Both of you."

For the rest of the night, Ed ponders those words. He has no home...right? He runs over the events of the night in his mind. How worried Winry was, how she and Granny broke protocol to let him go out and search (even though they both knew it would hurt him), how Granny was waiting for them on the porch, how she didn't get mad...

Edward doesn't have a home anymore. But as he thinks over tonight's events, he can't help but wonder if (and maybe even hope) he might be wrong.

…

Edward isn't allowed out of bed for twenty-four hours following his excursion to find Alphonse, but even though he'd never admit it, he wouldn't want to leave if he could. His entire being is one giant ache, and his leg is so swollen he isn't sure he could walk anyway.

Alphonse hasn't left the room since he finished explaining everything to Pinako that morning. He hasn't said much, but even if he did, Ed isn't sure how he would respond. The brothers haven't had many incidents which they couldn't work out with a conversation, but this feels like it might be one of them.

So, Ed just feigns sleep, feeling Al's gaze burning into his back the entire time. An hour or so later, he hears the door open, and Al shifts as soft footsteps come into the room.

"I brought you some lunch, Ed," Granny's voice says.

Said boy glances in her direction, but makes no move to sit up. He thinks back to the previous night, his stomach turning at the thought of Al, alone and unfeeling, having to watch him eat. "I don't want any."

"Yes, you do," Pinako teases.

"I don't feel good…" Ed mumbles, fighting the nausea in his throat. Pinako sets the plate of spaghetti off to the side, putting a hand to Ed's forehead.

"You're a little warm, but it's probably stress," she says. "You don't have to eat a lot, but I want you to have at least a few bites."

Ed pushes himself up, looking over at his brother. The two make eye contact, and even if no words are exchanged out loud, a multitude passes between them anyway.

Ed's eyes give Al a silent apology, and Al's give Ed silent forgiveness. Ed gives Al reassurance, I'm going to find a way to get your body back, I promise, and Al does the same, it's okay to do things I can't do, I'm not going to run away again. With that silent conversation, Ed picks up his fork and takes a bite of spaghetti, the turning in his stomach having dissipated.

While Ed eats, Pinako looks at his leg. "You really did a number on yourself last night," she says lightly. "The inflammation should be gone by tomorrow, but just to be safe, I don't want you wearing your leg for another day. That leaves you with sixteen days until surgery." She musses his hair. "Think you can make it?"

He gives her a sly smile, mouth full of noodles. Is that even a question?

Pinako smiles back. "Well, I'll be back later with dinner. Tell Al if you need anything." The old woman exits, leaving the door open just a crack.

Ed doesn't want her to leave, because that means the awkwardness between him and Al will return, but Al addresses his fear before Ed can.

"I'm sorry about last night, Brother."

"I already told you not to apologize," Ed says, poking at his food.

"I know. But I was thinking about everything overnight, and I realized something." Ed looks over at Al, who, despite his intimidating form, somehow manages to look bashful. "Trying to run away from my problems doesn't do any good. I want to face them, even if that means being upset for a while. And...I don't think there will ever be a real solution to being lonely. It's just something I'm prepared to live with, because to reject it would mean rejecting everything you've done to keep me alive." Al's glowing gaze shifts up, and Ed knows he's locked eye contact. "I am grateful, Brother. It amazes me all over again every day when I look at you and remember what you've sacrificed for me. And I want to return your kindness by trying my best to embrace what I have...and what I don't."

Ed soaks his brother's words in, allowing himself a moment of appreciation before his mind wanders. Of course, I wouldn't have had to sacrifice anything if I hadn't been so stupid in the first place. But Ed decides not to voice this. He's sure Al already knows, and he doesn't want to ruin the moment.

There will never be any real closure for their problems, at least not until Ed can find a way to fix things once and for all. So, whatever glimmers of hope he sees in a dark situation, he's going to embrace.

After all, Alphonse is already a better person than Edward could ever be. If he can see the good in life when he's been reduced to a mere soul hanging onto a suit of armor, then Ed should try and see the good too.

Funnily enough, I did not go into this chapter expecting to write a winry breakdown, but I'm not complaining that I did haha

one of my favorite things about Ed and Al's relationship is how they can communicate without talking. That's one of my favorite moments in the Briggs arc, when Ed "agrees" to help make a philosopher's stone, and all he has to do is look at Al and Al understands everything. Maybe there really is something to be said for Elric Brother Telepathy ;P

Join me next time!