woo... sorry about that little hiatus... I got busy with finals at school and when I wasn't doing that I was distracted with oneshots and neglecting this story *nervous laughter*. Plus my beta was super busy too so I didn't want to keep posting and then inevitably have an even longer hiatus...

But here's the next chapter! It's one of my favorites hehe

(update 8/8/23: have i seriously never updated this one yet? well, here's all the improvements as a part of the mass update)

(update 9/26/24: mass update!)

Ch 10: Facing Demons

Despite the moonlight filtering in through the window and the utter exhaustion in his body, Edward finds himself unable to sleep. He's been thinking over Al's words all night, and one thought keeps coming back to the forefront of his mind: I wish there was more I could do.

Ed knows there isn't anything he can do. Not until he gets Al's body back, anyway. But he still feels like there should be something, more than just being there to listen when Al needs it. What if he's not there to listen? What if Al has something he just needs to say, but no one is there to hear it? He knows Alphonse promised otherwise, but he would still appreciate the peace of mind knowing that his little brother's quiet turmoil will never get to the point of running away again. Ed turns over once more, tossing ideas around in his mind.

Finally, a plausible thought makes its way into his brainstorming. When he was snooping around the patient's ward that's become his bedroom, he discovered that Granny puts several "comfort items" in each bed's nightstand. A copy of one of those detective novels, a notebook and pen, a deck of cards...She said that even if an incoming patient can't always use the items, they seem to ease anxieties and take away some of the "medical facility" feeling. Ed reaches over, opening the drawer to the nightstand and fishing around until he finds the notebook inside.

It's small and black, with a pen clipped to the side and a button clasp holding the cover closed. Ed opens it, looking thoughtfully at the pristine pages inside. Al has never been interested in writing diaries, at least not that Ed has been aware of. But maybe...maybe he'd appreciate it now.

The sound of clanking metal grabs Ed's attention, and he quickly stuffs the book under his pillow. Alphonse opens the door, obviously trying hard to be quiet, but not quite meeting the mark with his impossibly creaky body. Ed turns over, rubbing his eyes as if he just woke up.

"Did I wake you?" Al whispers, and Ed nods. "I'm sorry. I thought I could sneak in so I could be here when you woke up tomorrow…"

"It's not a big deal," Ed whispers back. Al stares at him, clearly unsure what to say, and Ed feels the notebook under his pillow like a jagged rock, constantly reminding him of its presence. He pushes himself up, scratching the back of his head. "Actually...while I'm awake...There's something I have for you, Al."

"Hm?" The armor's head tilts inquisitively.

"I was thinking about what you said earlier, and, well, I think I might have something that'll help." Edward pulls the book out, holding it toward Al. Al's massive hand swallows the offering, opening it and flipping through the pages.

"It's blank," the younger boy says.

Ed laughs a little. "I know. It's a journal. You're the one who has to write in it."

"Oh…" Al still sounds confused. "What's it for…?"

Ed suddenly feels stupid for thinking this was a good idea. "I mean...I thought if—if you ever get lonely again...you could, I don't know, write down what you're feeling or something…" he finishes meekly.

Al is quiet for another minute, and Ed mentally slaps himself. Wonderful, he can't even give a well meaning gift anymore…

"Brother…" Ed looks up. "I love it," Al finishes quietly.

"You do?" Ed asks. He really wishes he could see Al's emotions; what if he's just forcing his voice to sound sincere?

"I do! That's such a great idea! And I can do more than just write when I'm sad...I can write when I'm happy too, and write about the stuff we do…" Al hugs the tiny book to the armor's chest plate. "Thank you, Ed."

"It's just a blank notebook, Al, no need to be so formal," Ed laughs, a wave of relief filling him with warmth.

"Yeah, it is," Al says, and Ed imagines he would be grinning from ear to ear. "But my brother gave it to me."

…

The following day, Ed feels well enough to leave bed again, even if he's still on a no-walking policy for twenty four hours. He has lunch with the family, then asks Al if they can do some reading outside.

It's late September, and the air is finally beginning to cool off. It's not shorts weather, but not cool enough for long sleeves, either, and the grass and sparse trees are still a vibrant green.

Ed is sitting with an alchemy book, looking out at the field while he waits for Al to come out with the rest of their books. He sees the Sumner kids walking home from school, and silently envies them. He's only just finished primary school, with Al in his last year of it, and even if he always found it slow and irrelevant, he kind of misses the predictability. He and Al had only been in class for a few days when they committed the taboo; he doubts they'll be able to go back now. What could the school do with a bodiless ten-year-old and a two-limbed eleven-year-old, anyway?

Ed hears Al clambering into the yard, and he returns his attention to the book in his lap. Find a solution. It's gotta be here somewhere.

Al sits on the grass, putting the stack of books between himself and Ed's chair. The two dive into their reading, and an hour and a half later, Ed sees something that catches his eye.

When concerning the laws of alchemical production, there is one that even the most novice alchemists know: equivalent exchange. This law is the basis of alchemy, and is essential to performing it safely and efficiently. However, there are some who theorize the law of equivalent exchange can be ignored through use of an alchemical enhancement, such as the legendary philosopher's stone.

A way to bypass equivalent exchange? That sounds intriguing. Ed flips to the appendix of the book, finding the page for the philosopher's stone.

The philosopher's stone is a legend dating back to the ancient civilization of Xerxes. In its variations, the legend always describes some kind of enhancing agent that allows an alchemist to bypass the laws of alchemy, most notably equivalent exchange. Following the collapse of the empire, records of the stone's creation were lost, but stories of its existence remain. The lack of documentation sheds doubt on the stone's existence, but circumstantial evidence from Xerxes' sudden fall has led researchers to speculate its feasibility. The little evidence that remains of Xerxesian civilization has been extensively studied, but its near complete disappearance has baffled researchers for centuries.

Ed finds the page about Xerxes, reading it next.

The empire of Xerxes (~900~1490) was a civilization in what is now the desert territory outside eastern Amestris. Little is known about the civilization, as it suffered a sudden collapse around the year 1490, destroying much of its documentation. In addition, the people of Xerxes were unanimously exterminated in the collapse. Based on surviving Xerxesian literature, some alchemists speculate the existence of the philosopher's stone, a red stone which allegedly imbues its user with immortality. Little is known about the veracity of these claims, but evidence suggests Xerxes is the source of our modern Amestrian alchemy.

Ed stares at the words long after he's finished reading them. Could there really be something out there that can influence alchemy like that? He reaches over, picking up the next book in the stack and searching the appendix for more information. This book contains much of the same research, but he learns about a journal claiming the stone destroyed Xerxes in a single night, and was sealed by a mysterious figure called the Eastern Sage. It was that same sage who allegedly brought alchemy to the land.

Ed finds himself getting hopeful. If this legend is true, then there's no doubt an object that powerful could bypass the law of equivalent exchange. And if he can bypass equivalent exchange, he can get Al's body back without having to sacrifice anything at all.

"Hey, Al," Ed says, getting his brother's attention. "I think I might have found something."

"Really?" Al asks, setting his own book down.

"A celestial stone that destroyed the city of Xerxes in one night. The Grand Elixir sealed away by the Eastern Sage. It goes by different names, but it's always the same thing: some kind of object that amplifies alchemy. That's the philosopher's stone. If we could just get our hands on it somehow, I might be able to get your body back."

Al hesitates before responding. "But I always thought the philosopher's stone was just a myth."

"So did I, but now I'm not so sure. All of these books say the same things; how could it be a coincidence? Besides, legends have to come from somewhere. Even if the philosopher's stone itself doesn't exist, there has to be something similar that inspired the legend."

Al thinks for another moment. "Yeah. I think that's worth looking into. To get both of our bodies back."

Ed internally cringes. "Right. In that case, we'll need to get the rest of our books." He looks over the hill toward their house.

"If you're sure, Brother," Al says quietly.

"I am. This is the biggest lead we've gotten, and I'm not going to give up now."

…

Despite his vocal bravado, Ed honestly wishes he could give up.

In the last few days, he and Winry have worked up his strength and stamina to a degree that would let an excursion such as that search for Alphonse leave him merely winded and sore, rather than sick and bedridden. As such, Granny has given him the okay to leave the house as long as he agrees not to overexert himself. Which would mean he can finally make good on that promise to Al...if only he wasn't so afraid.

Ed has been trying to psych himself up all day, and if he doesn't go through with it soon, the sun is going to set. The sky is gray and cloudy, threatening rain, and he knows if he doesn't do this today, he won't be able to tomorrow, either due to the weather or his own cowardice.

It's after dinner when he finally musters up the courage to ask Alphonse.

Al doesn't reply directly, but tells Granny they're going to go outside and will be back soon. Ed gets his crutch and heads out with his brother.

In retrospect, the Elric home has always been a little intimidating. It's three stories tall and situated on a hill, looming over the fields like a fortress. But now, it looks downright terrifying, especially from Ed's (definitely not short) perspective.

The eleven-year-old takes a deep breath, unsure of what he'll see last thing he remembers is showing up in that white wasteland after drawing Al's blood seal. Al claims that after he woke up in the armor, Ed briefly spoke to him before ultimately losing consciousness, but Ed has no memory of doing so. So, having been carried out of the building unconscious and with no memory of an alleged moment of lucidity, he doesn't know what else might've happened after the transmutation. Granny said she buried the failed corpse of their mother in the backyard, but that doesn't mean the evidence won't still be inside. Ed looks over the front yard, memories of hellish light and Alphonse's fading screams flashing in his mind. He has to look away a moment later, feeling his legs begin shaking beneath him.

"Are you sure you can do this, Brother? It's okay if we have to go back." Al sets a hand on Ed's shoulder, and Ed shakes him off. He's not going to be the one to ruin their chances with such a big lead by chickening out.

"I'm fine. Let's go, Al." Ed opens the front door (which is broken and had been forcibly wedged shut), and steps into the center of his sins.

Immediately, the acrid smell of iron fills his nose, so strongly he barely stops himself from gagging. There's a sloppy trail of dried blood leading from the door to the stairs, and he silently wonders if it's his or the transmutation's. Taking a shaky breath, Ed continues toward the staircase. He's worked a little on stairs, but has never had to take two flights. Al casts a quick glance at his uneasy expression and holds out a hand. Ed wraps his arm around Al's, leaving his crutch at the bottom, and the two make their way up.

The attic looks exactly the same as it did that day. There's stacks of books everywhere, as well as a pair of pillows and blankets for when they studied overnight. It's eerie, how simultaneously nothing and everything has changed. He can almost see it now, the two of them sprawled on the floor with bodies intact and books all around, studying by lamp-light the very topic that would be their undoing. Ed looks over their collection of books, handing the most important ones to Al. But as he's looking, he realizes one is missing. He tries to recall where he put it, and it clicks; he brought it into the basement the day they attempted to bring Mom back.

A wave of nausea darkens the edges of Ed's vision. He needs that book; out of all the ones he's handed Al, it would be the most helpful. "Al…" he starts, voice thick with dread. "I left one in the basement."

The implications of this hit Al, and he makes a small noise. "Are...are you sure you need it?" Ed just nods, feeling sick to his stomach. "Okay...let's get it."

The Elrics make their way back downstairs, with books in one of Al's arms and Ed hanging onto the other. At the top of the steps leading to the basement, they stop.

Come on, Ed, you can do this. It's for Al. Stop being such a baby. Ed starts down the staircase, forcing Al to come with him.

The blood from the main level continues down the stairs. And it's everywhere. Some of it looks like it was from something being dragged, while some of it appears to be a line of steady drops. Ed guesses the drips are from him, and the solid trail is from the transmutation, when Pinako took it out to bury it.

The basement is dark, and Ed finds when he flips the light switch, it doesn't work. That's probably for the best, if he's being honest. He can just make out the chalk array on the floor, its lines broken by the mess of dried blood. There are three distinctive black splotches he can tell blood was pooled. One in the center of the circle, where their mother was transmuted, one at the edge of the circle, where Ed lost his leg, and one in the corner of the room, where he bonded Al's soul. On the other side of the circle is a crumpled set of clothing, which he knows belongs to Alphonse, and in one of the bloodstains is his own left shoe. Several pieces of furniture are overturned and broken, probably from Al trying to control his new body. The metallic scent is even stronger down here, mixed with something faintly burnt and rotten, threatening to overpower Ed's senses. His heart starts pounding in his chest, and no matter how much air he takes in, he can't get enough into his lungs. It's making him breathe harder, and he doesn't want to breathe harder, because the stench is overpowering enough as it is. And just like when they touched that cursed circle, the feeling of sheer wrongness in the room is as nauseating as the sights and smells. Ed swallows, releasing his grip from Al's arm and taking a limping step forward.

Just find the book. It's around here somewhere.

Al steps into the corner, watching Ed as he stumbles around, looking for the book. He keeps his gaze trained on his brother, to avoid looking at anything else. Being back here has brought every memory in full force, and he can see it so clearly. Waking up, not remembering where he is or what he was doing, and there's only one thing he knows: he can't feel anything and he's terrified. Then, he sees his older brother, lying motionless on the floor in a pool of blood, and he finally remembers. He jumps back from the slowly spreading bloodstain, the sound of crashing metal accompanying his movement, and he holds his hands in front of him, except they're not his hands, they look like Dad's armor, but that's impossible! He hears sound coming from his brother, and sees his chest rising and falling much too fast, and no, no, his arm and leg are gone, how did that happen?! Ed looks at him and mumbles something about a trade before falling entirely limp, and it's as if time freezes. He scoops Ed into his much too giant, unfeeling arms, calling out, (Mom, Mom, help us!) and that's when he sees it: the black, twisted corpse on the floor. He freezes, staring at it for far too long, until a blood-choked coughing fit reminds him of his dying brother. Granny...we need Granny. And so he starts running, everything a blur, wondering how things could have gone so wrong.

Al forces himself out of the memory, an icy feeling settling in his ethereal being. He wonders how long he was zoned out, but it couldn't have been too long. Ed is still looking for the cursed book, but Al knows there's nothing he could do to help, so he just stays where he is.

Finally, Edward finds it fallen behind the table. He turns back around, ready to get the hell out—and freezes.

Alphonse is standing in the corner of the room, in the exact same spot the armor was that night. Suddenly, Ed's limbs feel like noodles, his head feels faint, his lungs freeze, and before he can even realize what's happening, he's on the floor and Al is standing over him.

"Ed! Ed!" Al shrieks, waving a glove above his face, but all the sound just gets jumbled in his head. Ed rolls over, vomiting everything in his stomach. He claws at his hair, the world spinning as his lungs desperately try to get air.

What is happening? Why can't I breathe? Why...why...Al...

It takes several moments, but Ed finally regains control of himself. He pushes himself to his knees, trembling.

"Brother? What happened?! Are you okay?" Al's panicked voice comes from behind him. "You looked at me and just fell over! I was screaming your name, but you wouldn't wake up! What's wrong?!"

Ed just keeps breathing heavily, eyes closed, stuck in the same shaking position. It takes over a minute for the swirling chaos in his mind to calm down some, and he's finally able to form a coherent thought. He takes a shuddering breath, sitting back and wiping his sleeve across his mouth. "I'm...okay…" he whispers, feeling Al's cold hand settle on his back.

"Then come on, let's go. We got what we came for," Al says softly, a hint of pleading creeping into his voice.

Ed faintly nods, letting Al pick him up. The armor adds the final book to its right arm before nestling the older boy into its left. Ed buries his head into the metal, as nightmarish images continue to race through his mind. Daylight seeps into his closed eyelids and he opens them, seeing the retreating shape of his childhood home. Tears prick against the backs of his eyes, and his stomach resumes doing somersaults.

He's never going in there again.

…

Ed probably should have guessed Granny would figure out what he and Al did. After all, they suddenly had half-a-dozen more books than before, and were both being as evasive as evasive can be.

Pinako was thoroughly horrified by their excursion, and when Ed finally spilled and told her what happened in the basement, she said he must have given himself a panic attack.

"I don't want you two going back there without me, understand?" she says firmly once Al finishes explaining how he carried Ed out.

"Don't worry," Ed intones coldly. "We're not going back."

"I swear, you boys are going to put me in an early grave…" Pinako mutters. "You better have found what you were looking for, at least."

"We did!" Al chirps. "Ed thinks he might've found a way to get our bodies back!"

Granny looks over at Ed, frowning. "Did you now?" she asks, tone in a subtle warning. If it's anything like what you did to get here in the first place, you'll have to answer to me, boy.

"Tell her, Brother," Al urges, oblivious to Granny's threat.

"Well, I don't even know if it's real. That's why I needed the books," Ed says evasively.

"But if it is real, we can bypass equivalent exchange and get back to normal!" Al finishes excitedly.

"It's called the philosopher's stone. It's an object that's supposed to be able to amplify alchemy," Ed adds.

Pinako sits back, thoughtful. She has to admit, that's one she's never heard before. But even so, the idea of her adoptive grandsons doing anything with alchemy after what happened...It worries her. Trying to bring Trisha back to life nearly killed them; who's to say trying to restore what they lost wouldn't do the same? She doesn't want to lose them for good.

Still, even with all the fear and apprehension, she can't bring herself to discourage it. Alchemy has always been an outlet for the Elrics, and especially for Edward. If she were to take it away, it would devastate him even worse than before. So, she'll just have to keep an eye on them instead.

"Just don't do anything you can't handle," she finally replies.

"We won't!" Al says, turning to bring their new books upstairs.

Once he's gone, Ed gives her a sad smile. "Thank you, Granny."

"Don't make me regret this, Ed."

"I won't. I...I don't want to hurt you again." Ed's hand unconsciously finds its way to his right sleeve, clutching the fabric.

"You're a good boy, Sprout." Pinako gently takes his hand from the sleeve, squeezing it reassuringly. "And you've always been a good brother."

Edward hates how much the words sting. He nods, squeezing her hand back; he knows she believes what she said.

If only she knew the truth.

Oh, ed... you are a good brother... you just need some reminding sometimes

also shoutout to my roommate for the evil idea to put al in the same spot as the armor to traumatize ed XD

Hope you all enjoyed and will join me in the next one!