Sorry for being sort of irregular with uploading, I've been going through some writers block and don't want to get too ahead of myself haha. I have sixteen chapters written and thirteen of them edited, but my beta and I are going to do some brainstorming tomorrow to hopefully get the ball rolling again. I have a basic idea for the rest of the story, and it's just over half completed from where I'm sitting; it's just about execution, you know?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! It was one of the most difficult to put together, but I think it does a lot for the story :D

(Update 11/27/22: edited chapter with improvements)

(update 8/9/23: mass update!)

(update 9/26/24: mass update!)

Ch 11: Self Incrimination

The more research Edward does on the philosopher's stone, the more his spirits both rise and fall.

Throughout all his reading, he's become more and more convinced the philosopher's stone can't simply be a legend. But he's also become more and more convinced he won't be able to go after it without some outside help.

Ed had absolutely no intention of considering that military man's offer when he heard it. Sure, in the moment, he'd made a comment to Granny about it, but in truth the only thing he took from that horrible conversation was that he could try to find a way to get Al's body back. But now...it seems like he might have to consider the offer anyway.

Should he choose to accept the position, he'll be required to serve the military in times of national emergency. In return, he'll receive privileges and access to otherwise restricted research materials.

Restricted research materials...privileges...probably a hefty paycheck...Ed rests his chin in his hand. He really doesn't want to work for those bastards. They destroyed his hometown, they killed Winry's parents...they're called the Dogs of the Military for a reason. He would have to be a human weapon for as long as it takes to get Al back to normal, and there's no telling how long that will be. But if he does join the military, it'll probably take less time than if he had to find all the research himself.

It's for Alphonse...It would be worth it.

Ed blinks back the tears threatening his eyes. Can he really do this? He is a good fighter; Teacher helped a lot with that. But the thought of being forced to kill someone...It makes him sick.

Ever since Hohenheim left, Edward felt like he lost the right to be a kid. Mom was gone less than a year later, and Ed had to grow up because Al needed him. They've been on their own for six years, spending half a year in Dublith, and a whole month on a deserted island. They can take care of themselves.

But now, Ed is beginning to feel differently. He's had to grow up a lot in the last six years, but now, he doesn't want to anymore. It's not a matter of whether or not he can handle leaving home; he knows that's not the issue. But he also just can't quite figure out what the issue actually is. He wants another option, something that's not the military, and not some sappy missing childhood nonsense, but he doesn't know what it is. Maybe it's Mom, maybe it's the Rockbells, maybe it's just the ever present desire to go back to that day and not have been so damn stupid.

…Or maybe it's the infuriating fact that no matter how he feels, he's still eleven years old. He hasn't even lost his last two baby teeth, and he's trying to make decisions most people aren't allowed to make until they're adults.

But it's my decisions that brought me here in the first place.

He wouldn't even have to be thinking about this if he wasn't so confident he could bring Mom back to life. And he was confident. He'd double, triple, quadruple checked every equation, every measurement. He was so certain it was perfect...honestly, he still is. Where it went wrong...he's beginning to think it was himself. His calculations were right, but he was what made it fail. And now, it's up to him to fix the person it hurt most, and who never should have been involved in the first place.

This is going to be a difficult conversation…

Ed gets up, searching the house for his brother. He finds Granny in the kitchen, and asks her where Al went.

"He and Winry ran to town for some groceries. They'll be back soon." Pinako tilts her head skeptically. "Why?"

"It's nothing," Ed mutters. "Just wanted to talk to him."

Pinako looks Ed up and down, her stare seeming to pierce straight through him. "What's bothering you?"

"Why do you automatically assume something's bothering me?" Ed snaps.

"Because I know you." There's an insult on the tip of his tongue just ready to cut deep, tired of everyone being in his damn business all the time, but Ed can't argue with that statement. "And right now," she continues, "you have that far away look in your eyes that means you're thinking about something big."

"Fine, I want to talk to him about something important. Now can we drop it?"

Pinako shrugs, going back to washing dishes.

Twenty minutes later, Al and Winry return, Winry slightly winded from the trek back up the hill and Al as unaffected as ever, even with nine bags in his hand. Ed jumps up from the couch, getting Al's attention. Then, he gives one of his famous Older Brother Stares, silently telling Al they need some alone time. Al gets the message, and tells Winry he'll help put away the groceries next time.

Once they're alone in Ed's room, the older boy sits on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with the sheet.

"Brother? What's wrong? Why'd you need me?" Al asks, sitting beside the bed.

"Well, Al, there's...something I wanted to talk to you about…" Ed starts. He hates this; every time he tries to have a serious conversation with Al, it's like his throat closes up and his brain forgets how to make words. "Do you remember the day those soldiers came to find us?"

Al makes a noise of confirmation; how could he forget? It was the first day Ed looked alive in weeks.

"Well...I've been thinking. And I think...maybe it would be best if I took him up on that offer."

The implications of this statement sink in, and Al suddenly stands. "You...what?!" He's shaking (with rage or shock, Ed can't tell), the armor rattling softly as red eyes burn into gold ones. "Ed, you can't be serious! Joining the military? Why would you do that?!"

"Because, Al," Ed says, trying to keep his voice calm. "It's the best opportunity I have to get you—our bodies back."

Al slowly sits back down, looking thoughtfully at Ed.

"I've been doing a lot of research, and I really think the philosopher's stone is a possibility. But we just don't have the resources to go after it. Not without help. The kind of help we could get from the military."

"But...but...we're too young, Brother. We don't know anything about that kind of life." Al's voice sounds hysterical, and Ed is really beginning to question his decision. God, why are little brothers so convincing? "And Granny and Winry, they'd be so upset...and we'd have to leave home, and—and—" Al puts his head in his hands.

"I know it's a lot," Ed says, tone much softer than before. "But I have to fix my mistake, Al. And it looks like this is the best way I can do that."

"It's our mistake, Brother…" Al whispers, still trembling. "And I—I want to fix it too, but...I don't want it to be like this." Al finally looks back at Ed's face, and the torrent of emotions stirring behind his stony eyes. "But if you really think this is the only way...then...then I'll follow you."

"Al—"

"No, Brother, I'm not going to let you do it alone!" Al shouts.

"Following me is what got you here in the first place!" Ed shouts back.

"And that's exactly why I need to follow you! I didn't speak up before, and it's because of that we're even having this conversation! So if you're really going to do this, I need to be with you, to stop you from doing anything you can't handle!" Al's hands ball into fists. "You're not the only one who needs to fix his mistakes, Edward!"

Al's words hang in the air, leaving Ed entirely speechless. For far too long, the only sound between them is Ed's heart pounding in his ears, before he slowly lets out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

"...Okay." Ed stands, patting his hand against Al's shoulder a couple times. "If that's what you need, then okay."

Al doesn't reply, but gets to his feet as well.

"I guess I should talk to Granny then," Ed says, starting toward the door. As he gets closer, though, he hears soft noise coming from the hall. He opens it, seeing Winry outside, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Winry!" Al yelps.

"Ed...tell me it's not true…" Winry whimpers. "Tell me you didn't mean that. You promised us! You promised you wouldn't!"

Ed blinks, opening his mouth to say something, but the words catch in his throat. He glances at Al, eyes pleading for help.

"Let's go sit down," Al suggests, putting a hand on Winry's shoulder and guiding her toward the living room. "I'll get Granny."

Ed and Winry sit on the couch, the boy refusing to look in the girl's direction. Al and Granny come in a moment later, and the old woman looks rather concerned.

"All right, Ed, what's this about?" Pinako asks, taking a seat in her rocker. "Why is Winry crying?" Ed doesn't miss the sound of disapproval in her tone.

Once again, Ed finds his tongue unable to form words. Unfortunately, he doesn't have to.

"He said...he told Al he wants to take that military man's offer," Winry chokes out.

Pinako gives Ed a look that makes his blood freeze. After a moment, it melts, replaced with a heavy sigh. "I was hoping you wouldn't remember that part of the conversation." She crosses her arms. "So, Ed, why are you even considering such a thing?"

Ed takes a deep breath, glancing at the door in hopes of escaping. But he can't run from this; he has to answer for it. "I want all the resources I can get to find a way to get our bodies back. And the only way I can have them is if I become a State Alchemist."

Pinako considers him, eyes entirely unreadable. "Even though the State Alchemists are the ones who brought the war to Resembool? The ones who have to act as human weapons? The ones every citizen looks down on with disdain? Is that really what you want?"

Ed looks down. "No. It's not." He shifts his gaze to Al, whose glowing red eyes are focused on him. "But I'm willing to do it for my brother."

"You know how I feel about the military. How Winry feels about it."

"I know. But I'm not going to do it because I like it. I'll do it because I have to." Ed looks her in the eye again.

Pinako remains quiet for a minute. "You know what I want to say, Ed? I want to tell you to find another way. But...if this is what you're set on...I can't stop you."

Ed blinks; that is not what he was expecting her to say.

"Granny—you don't mean that, do you?" Winry cries out.

"You think that's what I want to say, girl?" the old woman snaps. "I think these boys are far too young to be considering such things. But there's nothing I can do about it." She returns her attention to Ed. "So, I'll just leave you with this. Before you make any final decisions, I want you to think long and hard, Edward. How would your mother feel about all of this?" She sees his breath catch in his chest. "Once you have that answer, talk to me, and I'll support you wherever you decide to go."

Entirely shaken, Ed slowly stands. He doesn't say anything, just walks out of the room, leaving Alphonse to hurry after him. Winry and Pinako watch them disappear around the corner, left in tense silence with just the sound of Winry's muffled sobs.

"Why…" Winry whispers once she's sure the Elrics are out of earshot. "How could you tell him that, Granny?" She turns to face her grandmother, her face red and blotchy, tear filled eyes narrowed in anger and confusion. "You of all people...after what happened to my mom and dad...to your son."

Pinako sighs, scooting over on the couch and pulling Winry closer. "Listen to me, Winry. I don't like the idea, not one bit. But you know Ed," she says softly. "When he gets something in his mind, it's impossible to get it out. What else can I do?" Winry sniffles into her grandmother's shoulder, and Pinako strokes her hair. "What would he do if I didn't support him through this? He clearly feels like this is the only option he has. So even if it's a bad option, I'm going to have his back." Winry cries harder. "You know, Winry, besides Alphonse, we're all that boy has left. So we've got to be there for him, no matter what."

…

Ed hears the door open, and soft footsteps he recognizes belong to Granny make their way in. He turns his head down, wanting to hide the pathetic expression he knows must be on his face. Al shifts, offering a meek greeting as Granny's footsteps stop on the opposite side of the bed.

"I'm not ready to talk yet," Ed says, staring at his mismatched legs dangling over the edge of his bed.

"I didn't expect you to be," she replies. "But I thought I'd leave you with a little more than what I did in the living room." Ed's head raises slightly to hear better, but not enough to show his face. "I'm going to be clear right now that I don't like what you're thinking about doing. But even if I don't support the decision itself, I support you. I always have, and I always will."

Ed stays still, and she's not sure if he was even paying attention until a quiet question leaves his lips. "...So you don't hate me?"

Where did that come from? "Why would I hate you, Edward?"

"'Cause of Mr. and Mrs. Rockbell."

"You had nothing to do with that war. You were almost too little to even remember most of it."

"But now I wanna become part of the people that killed them."

"You're not going in with the intention of killing anyone, are you?"

He cringes. "No. Of course not."

"Then there's no connection."

Ed thinks for a moment. "Still. You're giving me automail, and that's kind of like helping the military."

"I'm giving you automail to help you, not the military."

Ed finally turns toward her, moving to sit cross-legged, his hand in his lap. He tilts his head skeptically, clearly not believing any of this.

"Think about it this way," the old woman continues. "I've been watching over you and your brother since the day you were born. I was right there with your mother when Hohenheim left, and right there when she passed away. You and Alphonse were everything to her, Edward, and the two of you mean a hell of a lot to Winry and me, too. Why do you think we tried so hard to save your damn life?" Ed looks down to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. "So even if I can't accept the idea of you being in the military, I'm going to be there for you. I just hope you think long and hard about it, and everything it would mean. So, I'll ask you one last time: how would your mother feel about all of this?"

With that, Granny exits the room, leaving Ed even more distraught than before. He doesn't move from his position on the bed, and after a minute, Al tests the waters. "Brother? Are you alright?"

"Fine, Al," Edward says quietly. "I just...need some time." He looks back at his loosely folded legs, unstrapping the metal one with a look of disgust. He drops it off the bed, gaze lingering for a moment on the remaining stump of his left leg, before he falls back against his pillow. Alphonse just watches, unsure what he could even say; eventually, he just focuses his gaze on the floor, lost in his own thoughts.

Much later that night, Edward finds Granny's words echoing in his mind.

How would your mother feel about all of this?

Ed doesn't really know how his mom felt about the military. He imagines she had a similar opinion as the rest of Amestris; that being, she didn't like it. It was probably closer to how the Rockbells feel, since Resembool was so directly affected by the civil war, and they lost so many close friends. But she never really discussed her opinions in front of him and Al. She had no reason to.

But now, as he drifts off to sleep, he can't help but wonder what she would say.

…

It's warm. The sun is high in the sky, birds chirping in the distance. He's sitting in the swing out front, lazily rocking back and forth with the breeze ruffling his hair. He hears the front door open, and soft fingers tousle his bangs.

"What'cha thinking about, little man?" Mom asks.

He glances back, seeing her gentle smile and gaze radiating love.

"Nothing really," he replies.

"You sure? You haven't used the swing in months," she chuckles softly.

He smiles, leaning into her side as she wraps her arm around him. "Well, I think I know what you're thinking about," she says.

"And what's that?" he asks.

The arm around him tightens, and an uneasy feeling worms its way into his chest. The absolute safety he felt has turned almost threatening, and he looks back at Mom. She's still smiling, but her eyes have a sinister glint in them now.

"You're thinking about me...and Alphonse...and everything you've done…" she says, only by the end, her voice isn't her voice anymore, it's distorted and low and terrifying. He tries to pull away, but her fingers turn into black claws, digging into his skin.

"Mom...Mom!" he cries out, trying to pry the claws off, and when he looks back at her face, all the soft features melt away to reveal an evil, snarling monster underneath. He screams, finally wrestling free and jumping away, only to crash to the ground in a heap. He gasps at the severed, bloody mess where his left leg should be.

"You can't escape, Edward…" Mom continues. "Especially not now…" She throws her broken, backwards arm out, and a small object lands in the dirt in front of him. It's a silver pocket watch—the State Alchemists' symbol. He blinks at it, and then another voice joins the scene.

"Brother?" He looks over, seeing Alphonse, human again and standing beside Mom, his eyes big and twisted in fear. "They said they sent you here to destroy us…" He clutches fistfuls of Mom's dress, looking terrified. Terrified of him.

He suddenly finds himself dressed in blue, the pocket watch clipped to his side, staring at the smoldering remains of his hometown. He steps back, hearing the soft clicking of metal from his left leg.

"How could you do this, Brother? How could you be one of them?" Al's voice pleads.

He turns away from the destruction before he comes face-to-face with his younger brother once more. And against his will, his hands raise in front of him, one flesh, and one metal. He wants to stop, he has to stop, that's his brother, for God's sake, but he brings his hands together. Light flashes, and he can't see anything, but he can hear the screams—Alphonse, Winry, Granny—and slowly, the voices die out and his family is laying there on the ground, eyes open and unseeing.

He falls to his knees, no, no, no no no, and puts his head in his hands, but they aren't moving and it's all his fault and he killed them and—

Edward screams, sitting bolt upright, his heart pounding against his chest. There's a giant figure with glowing red eyes standing above him, and he panics, scrambling backwards and right off his bed, tangled in his blankets.

"Ed! Are you alright?!" The glowing eyes move closer.

"Stay away! Don't come near me!" Ed shouts, nearly hysterical.

The figure stops, stepping back. And finally, Ed remembers where he is. He's at the Rockbells', and the menacing figure is his little brother. He takes a moment to calm his breathing. "Al?"

"Are you okay, Brother?" Al asks, still staying back.

"I'm so sorry," Ed whispers, deflating with guilt. Al cautiously approaches.

"You were having a nightmare. I kept trying to wake you, but you were really stuck in it. I didn't mean to scare you."

"And I didn't mean to yell," Ed replies, trying to get his blanket untangled from his legs and torso.

Al leans forward, helping Ed get unstuck. "Do you want to talk about it?" He finally gets the blanket free, setting it back on the bed.

Ed faintly shrugs. "It's not important."

Al doesn't believe that, hesitating before speaking. "You've been having nightmares a lot. I think it would help to talk about it."

"This one was different…" Ed mumbles. A shiver runs down his spine; every time he blinks, he sees the dead eyes of his loved ones. Al waits patiently; he knows his brother wants to talk about it, but just has to get past his apprehension. "I was a State Alchemist in my dream." Ed fiddles with his shirt. "And I...I had to do something awful." He glances up, looking guiltily at Alphonse. "You and Granny and Winry were there. And...I…" he takes a steadying breath, finishing in a whisper. "I killed you."

Al feels his metaphorical breath catch. "You...did?"

Ed nods, not meeting his brother's gaze. "It was like I couldn't control myself. It really scared me, Al."

"Why?"

"Because there's no telling what I'd have to do in the military. They could make me kill people, and I...I thought I could never do that but...in my dream, it was just so easy. And that scares me."

Al thinks for a moment. "Well...I don't think you have to be scared." Ed looks at him, eyes filling with an innocent hope Al hasn't seen in a long time.

"You don't?" he asks, voice sounding much too small.

"I know you, Brother," Al says gently but firmly. "And I know you would never hurt the people you love."

Ed's blood freezes, the bit of hope he'd allowed himself to hold instantly evaporating; that's the furthest thing from the truth. How can Al even say that, given his own situation? Ed's done more than hurt him, he's straight up ruined his life.

But being in the military might let you fix it.

There's more than enough downsides to this situation. Amestrians in general have a pretty rotten opinion of their military, perhaps aside from the elites in Central. There's not a whole lot of good that the military seems to do, and especially not in public view. Every newspaper article Ed has managed to read involving the military just talked about how they interfered in another uprising, suppressed more dissent, and arrested more people. And State Alchemists in particular are especially disliked...Alchemy is a powerful tool, and to those who don't understand it, it comes off as mysterious and dangerous. Having a whole sect of the military devoted to that mysterious power tends to frighten people, especially since the civil war. Ed doesn't want to face any of that contempt from strangers, let alone from his adoptive family. Winry and Granny have made themselves clear: they don't like this idea one bit. And Ed really doesn't want them to think of him as one of the bad guys...he isn't, all he wants is to fix his little brother's body. Which would be a lot easier if he was in the military.

…It's quite a circular dilemma, isn't it?

The bad seems to outweigh the good, Ed thinks, but the good would ultimately be worth all the bad.

"Ed? What's wrong? Did I say something?" Al asks, concerned by his brother's zoned out expression.

Ed narrows his eyes. "No. You're right, Al." The boy pushes himself to his foot, climbing back onto his bed. "I've made up my mind."

Al pauses, confused. "...About what?"

"I'm going to be a State Alchemist."

"You thought about what Granny said?"

"It doesn't matter what she said," Ed growls. "It's what I have to do."

"So...you think Mom would be okay with it?"

Ed fights back the nausea in his throat. "I...I think she would want me to take responsibility for my actions." But I know damn well she wouldn't want me to do it like this. Putting myself in danger...and Al, too, if he's going to follow me. I just hope she understands that it's what I have to do, wherever she is…

Al stays quiet for a moment. "Well...if you're sure."

"Positive." Ed pulls his blanket back over himself, turning over and going silent. He knows he shouldn't give Al the cold shoulder like this, not when he was trying so hard to be comforting, but honestly, it's taking all of Ed's willpower as it is not to burst into tears.

So I'm really doing this…

Yes, you are. It's the only way to fix Al.

But I can't be one of them…

You have to. For your brother.

Ed hears Alphonse shift, going to sit in the corner. A ball of guilt settles in him; he knows Al is going to be stewing over his sudden emotional shutdown for the rest of the night. But he can hardly handle his warring feelings as it is; trying to explain himself to Al would break him entirely.

Edward Elric, Dog of the Military. Better get used to that idea.

Ed shuts his eyes. The days of rolling hills and open skies really are gone now.

And you have no one to blame but yourself.

In my headcanon, Ed really didn't have any intentions of joining the military when he first heard about it. Obviously, we see him grow super determined after that talk with mustang, but I like to think it was just determination to get Al's body back, not to be a State Alchemist. It wasn't until he had no other options that he considered the offer... and it was a super difficult decision.

That was why it was so hard for ME too. Obviously, Ed's seen a lot in his eleven years of life, but no amount of experience can change the fact that he has the brain of an eleven year old. He's wise beyond his years, yes, but deep down, he IS a child. So he wants to be an adult because he feels like he has to, but he wants to be a kid because he is. That's one of the things that makes Ed's character so interesting... how he's simultaneously independent and dependent, mature and immature, soldier and child...

I hope that thought process really came through :D

See you all next time!