Forbidden love for a Barkley
Part Seventeen:
"I Knew You Were Trouble, pt. 4: Let It Go!"
Nick had fallen unconscious after a gunshot rang out and two legs could be seen standing over him. Moments later, he woke up in a bedroom wearing a dry night shirt and a bandage on his forehead. Everything seemed perfect and completely off at the same time. It wouldn't be until Nick saw and spoke with both Tom and Beth that he was convinced he had died. Beth and Tom kept on insisting that Nick eat to build up his energy and that he must go, but Nick wouldn't budge. Why would he? If he was dead, what would be the purpose, right? Well, after reluctantly eating his food and Tom returned to the bedroom, Nick started to have a heart to heart talk with him. It got to the point of Nick tearfully revealing the guilt he had been harboring for years after Tom's murder, the remorse he had for nearly strangling Heath to death over Hester, the remorse for the feud he and Tom had been in plus the horrible things he said to Tom not too long before his murder, the remorse he had for being a "troublesome" child growing up, the guilt he had over the rough patches he and Tom had over the years, and his recent guilt over not being able to protect Stefania from being attacked and r*ped. Not to mention the fact that he was also mad at himself to a degree for going after Layle Johnson, who was a married woman, something he may or may not delve too deeply into plus the remorse over accidental death of John Hyatt that was at his hands, another thing he may or may not delve into at the moment. Now, the questions that remain are as follows: What's going on with everyone else at this moment? Will Nick finally get the closure he needs to move on and let go of the guilt? Will Nick and Tom finally patch things up? and most importantly, is Nick really dead or is he having a vision? Stay tuned and find out!
Author's Note: I do NOT own The Big Valley or its characters. I ONLY own this fic and the characters of: Stefania Mangano, Carmine Mangano Sr, Carmine's friends, Paulie Mangano, Leonard Barkley, Seth & his gang, and the Mangano family. This is the fourth to however many parts in this second multi parter saga. You get the idea by now and also, this one may be another brief chapter. However, we shall see. Also too, I got the idea for Nick's death, dream, or vision from The Rifleman episode: "The Vision", The Jeffersons episode: "They Don't Make Preachers Like Him Anymore", the Golden Girls episode: "Mrs. George Devereaux", & the All in the Family episode: "Edith's Crisis of Faith" parts 1 and 2 plus some real life tragedies I've experienced. Also too, part of this chapter's title was modeled after the song Elsa sang in the movie "Frozen". Anyways, enjoy :D
Warning: This chapter may contain references/may mention God, religious fanaticism to a degree, a slight reference to the Salem witch trials, and restoring/having the faith, so if anybody is a non-believer or has different beliefs, ignore this chapter.
(Flashback to part 16)
"Father, I have nowhere to go. I mean I'm dead, so why would I need to go any place when I'm where I should be?" Nick tightened his part of the hug.
"I understand, but Nick, you need to go. You just need to go." Tom persisted.
"Go where? I have nowhere to go! Don't you get it! Then again, when you were alive, you were always in a hurry to leave! Always!" Nick stood up from his bed, walked over to a window, and turned his back to Tom.
"Nick, you know I had to be away on cattle drives plus business trips. You know that." Tom stood up and walked over to Nick.
"I know, but you always seemed to be in a hurry. Like you are now. I tell you I want to go over some things, but it's as if you don't wanna listen." Nick still had his back turned to his father.
Tom took another moment to absorb Nick's words and sported a look of remorse on his face.
"I mean you're in a hurry for me to go off somewhere. Didn't you hear me when I said that I blame myself for not being able to stop your murder, not protecting Stefania, nearly choking Heath out, and being a troublesome kid at times while growing up among other things plus how awful I feel about that feud we had prior to your murder? Did you not hear me say that?" Nick turned around to face Tom and put his hands on his hips.
"Yes, I heard you, Nick and quite frankly, it breaks my heart that you have been bottling it up and hiding it with your tough exterior and smile. However, I told you that my murder was beyond your control. You had no way of knowing I was going to be shot in cold blood nor did you have any way of preventing it. It's just one of those tragedies that happens. Does it make it right? Absolutely not, but it's just one of those things unfortunately. I thought I made this clear to you already." Tom got closer to Nick.
"You did. Everybody has, but it doesn't change the way I feel. It just doesn't. I live with that guilt and the "shoulda woulda coulda" routine. I know I shouldn't, but I...watched you...I watched you...I watched you die in my arms..." Nick paused as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks, "I watched you take your last breath and die right in my arms. I can't ever let go of that. Ever. Nobody should have to watch their loved one or even a close friend die right there in front of their eyes. It's one thing when it is somebody in the military and on the battlefield, but when it's somebody near and dear to you...it hits harder. Harder than you ever imagined."
"Son, I know watching me pass away is something you'll never forget, but you need to realize that it was not your fault. You're not to blame for me dying." Tom shook his head.
"I know, I know, but you wouldn't have died if I went with you to Barkley Mine!" Nick pounded his fist on the wall.
"Nick, you know I told you not to go with me. You knew the rule I had for all of us. One Barkley goes up there. One!" Tom held up one finger.
"I know that, but it wouldn't have hurt to break that rule just for one time. It wouldn't have hurt, but no, you disregarded all of our concerns and went by yourself. Lord knows why." Nick slightly raised his voice.
"Because I wanted to see what was going on up there and find out who was responsible for the trouble making and the murder of Septimus Clayton and Dr. Millard Drysdale! That's all I was doing!" Tom also raised his voice a bit.
"I know, father. We all know. We all knew you were hurting and were not in the right state of mind, but it wouldn't have hurt you to let one of us go with you. I mean Clayton and Drysdale were two of the toughest men alive, yet they got killed by Pat Hyatt, the same man who killed you. Would it have hurt you to listen to each of our concerns then let one of us go with you?" Nick was almost nose-to-nose with his father.
"Nick, I didn't need anybody babysitting me. Besides, Septimus and Millard were two of my best friends from childhood and I wanted to avenge them in a way." Tom told him.
"Nobody was trying to babysit you. You were just being too stubborn and stupid to listen to our concerns!" Nick threw his arms up.
"You're calling me stubborn and stupid?" Tom folded his arms.
"No, I'm not calling you that. I'm saying that you were being that way plus pig headed." Nick told him.
"You and everyone else can call it what you like, but I call it trying to right a wrong." Tom sounded a bit terse.
"Well, you sure did a fine job at doing that. You got killed while doing what you intended to do." Nick shook his head.
"I know. However, that's all a part of the game. When you go out on a mission, you're always faced with the possibility of never coming home. I didn't intend on getting killed. It just happened and at the hands of somebody who tried to kill you after the accidental death of his own son at your hands." Tom pointed out.
"Do you have to remind me of John Hyatt's death? That one still haunts me." Nick replied.
"Well, his death is the reason Pat tried to kill you and why I went after him. After your mother stopped me, our family and the Hyatts began feuding over everything and what drew the line was Pat losing to me in a poker game. He was always known to be a bitter loser about everything ranging from his divorce to his father's farm. Then again, he was a terrible spender. The point is he took things too far and it cost three lives. It could've cost more had you and Jarrod plus your mother went with or without me to Barkley Mine. I didn't want any of you getting hurt or killed. I just didn't. I'd rather take it for the team than get people hurt or killed." Tom explained.
"You could've had Fred and a posse go with you up there." Nick told him.
"And cost them their lives? No dice. You shouldn't forget that Pat Hyatt could take a whole mob of people out singlehandedly. He was that good of a shot. However, that's nowhere near the point. My point is that I first wanted to avenge my friends by confronting Pat and hopefully putting an end to our feud before turning him over to Fred, even if I had to hog tie him in order to bring him back to Stockton. I reached for my gun belt and went to take it off when he fired the fatal shot. I wasn't even trying to shoot at him, but he figured I was and decided that I was better off dead. When he saw it was me he shot, he jumped for joy then everything went black for a bit. Then, you must've arrived to the scene and we know the rest." Tom took a deep breath after recounting what happened the night he was killed.
"I didn't come quick enough, though! I didn't! Had I gone with you, you'd still be alive!" Nick insisted.
"Nick, we would've both been killed. There was no way you or anybody could've stopped it. You need to accept it." Tom grabbed Nick's wrists.
"I know, I know. Everybody has said the same thing, but I'll always have that hanging over my head even for all of eternity! Plus, maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing, but...I just feel so bad that we weren't getting along prior to your murder." Nick wiped away fresh tears and sniffled, "I just feel so bad, father! I feel so bad for what I said to you and it has haunted me that I never got a chance to say how sorry I am and to bury the hatchet."
"Nick-" Tom was interrupted for the umpteenth time.
"Father, I am so so sorry for what I said to you and that we parted on bad terms. I am so sorry!" Nick hugged his father again and sobbed into his shoulder, "I hope you have found it within yourself from beyond the grave to forgive me."
Tom remained silent and held onto Nick, gently shushing him again and rubbing his back with one hand & the back of his head with the other.
"I hope you forgive me for that and all the times we had rough patches." Nick sniffed.
(Now)
Tom still remained silent and tightened his hold on his end of the hug/embrace.
"I'm so sorry, father. I am so so sorry...for...everything!" Nick sobbed.
"It's okay, son. I...I forgive you. In fact, I have forgiven it all already..." Tom took a deep breath, "I've just been hoping that one day you would forgive yourself."
"I haven't been able to. I mean watching you die in my arms and...and...never being able to make peace with you...well, you can see why I've been-" Nick was cut off.
"Punishing yourself?" Tom interjected.
"Yeah...Yeah, that's it. I couldn't think of the right word for it." Nick nodded, "It's justified."
"No, it's not, Nick. It's not justified at all." Tom slightly moved back in order to get eye-to-eye with him, "Punishing yourself is not justifiable by any means. Nicholas, you need to realize that what happened to me was not I repeat not your fault. In fact, I have forgiven you, because-"
"Why? Why have you forgiven me?! I mean what made you decide to forgive me?!" Nick asked as more tears poured down his cheeks, "What in heaven's name made you decide to forgive me after all of the rotten things I said to you?! What made you decide to forgive me?! What?!"
"You wanna know, son?" Tom asked.
Nick didn't say a thing and just nodded while wiping his tears away before grabbing a blue handkerchief and blowing his nose loudly.
"I knew you didn't mean those things you said during our feud." Tom replied.
"How?" Nick asked.
"I'm your father and I know you better than you know yourself, son. I know you didn't mean any of that just like I didn't mean the nasty things I said to you. Why we were just in the heat of the moment and in an argument. Everybody goes through arguments. Heck, your mother and I always had our disagreements. Families and even close friends have their fights. It's natural." Tom explained.
"If so, it doesn't make all of the rotten, mean, hurtful, and nasty things that are said right. It doesn't make any of that right." Nick shook his head.
"I know it doesn't, but when you're emotional or in the heat of passion you just let lose and each party tries to say the nastiest thing ever in order to see who could hurt who first. It's not right at all, but people do that and neither you nor I were any exception to that. The same applied to us as hard as that may be for you to believe." Tom slowly broke away from the hug, "Nick, the point is, I have forgiven you and I know you never meant any of those things you said. I mean you've done things many times that I had never approved of and while I did punish you, didn't I forgive you afterwards?"
"Well, yes but-" Nick was cut off.
"What's the difference then?" Tom asked.
"The difference is when I disobeyed you, I was a child. When I said the nasty things, I was an adult and should've known better than to talk to my own father the way I did. I mean I acted like a bratty child while saying those things." Nick told him.
"Nick, you said those things out of anger and in the heat of the moment. You didn't mean it and you & I both know that. It's water under the bridge now and since I have forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself. Not only of that, but of my murder, because neither you nor anybody else could've prevented it. It just happened and nothing will change that. You punishing yourself and continuing to feel guilty will not bring me back." Tom put his hand on Nick's wrist, "You need to let it go, Nick."
"How? How do I let it go after all of these years? How do I just simply let it go?!" Nick snapped his fingers, "Plus, do you think it is easy for me to just simply sweep it under the rug like it's nothing?!"
"Of course, I don't expect you to do that. You can't let it go over night. Nothing goes away over night. It takes time and most importantly, it takes faith both in yourself and in God." Tom replied.
"Oh, just like that? Just like that..." Nick snapped his fingers, again, "I just leave it to God, huh?"
"That's right, son. Sometimes, you have to leave things to the almighty and he'll guide you. God never leaves his people." Tom started to smile.
"Really? You expect me to believe all of that? You expect me to believe God never leaves his people and is there for you?" Nick asked in a very bitter way.
"You sound as though as you don't believe it." Tom had a concerned tone in his voice.
"I'm not so sure if I do believe it. In fact, I don't honestly think I do believe it. I don't think I have ever since you were murdered. I mean where was God when that happened? If he's supposed to be a protector, why didn't he protect you? Why? Why?" Nick slightly raised his voice.
"Nick, it was my time to go. That's it. It was just my time to go and when the lord decides it is one's time to go, there's nothing you can do to stop it. There's nothing any of us can do to stop it. You cannot change the inevitable." Tom sighed, "Sometimes the lord does things that we don't understand or like, but that's the way it is and we mustn't question the lord. He is the ultimate decision maker after all."
"And that's supposed to cheer me up and make it okay?" Nick shook his head.
"No, Nick. Not cheer you up, but rather, make you think and really think about...well, a lot of things and hopefully put things into perspective for you. Plus, to add to it, I've noticed that you never attend a single church service on Sundays or when you do during the rarest of times, your heart isn't into it. Why?" Tom put his hand on the wall.
"Why do you think? My faith has dwindled ever since you were murdered and ever since I saw the former priest steal. Priests aren't supposed to steal and you weren't supposed to be murdered! I mean the only reason I kept on going to church occasionally was because I thought it would help me heal and that it was the way, but after seeing a priest steal and just a lot of other things, my heart was no longer in it." Nick replied.
"So, because you saw a priest steal during the time of grief, you decided that, that was it? You decided to let that one thing ruin it all for you?" Tom raised an eyebrow.
"Father, during the grieving period after your murder, my faith had already dropped, because I was like: 'Why God? Why? Why did you let that happen to father?! Why? There's a lot of bad people in the world and all my father ever did was good. He did good and he's the one who gets taken!' which is understandable. Now, I'm not only asking all of that in regards to you, but I now ask the same things in regards to Stefania! I mean let's not forget about what happened to her." Nick ran a hand over his face.
"Nobody will ever forget what happened to her, ever. However, what happened to Stefania was not God's fault nor was it your fault. What happened to me was not God's fault or yours or anybody else's. It's just unfortunate things that happened. Unfortunate things that just may as well have served to test your strength and see how you come out of it. You've been doing good so far, albeit you need to quit blaming yourself and accept the fact that you're not at fault for anything. Of course, I expect it will take time for you to believe and accept it, but I know you can do it if you just try to restore your faith not only in God, but in yourself, too." Tom took a deep breath after saying all of that.
"Uh huh. Just how do I restore my faith?! I don't go to church that much and during one of the rarest occasions that I do set foot in the building, my heart isn't in it. How do I restore my faith?" Nick folded his arms.
"All I can say is that you can start by having a relationship with God." Tom started.
"How? I don't go to church much." Nick replied.
"You don't necessarily have to go to church to worship God let alone have a relationship with him. Granted, the brick and mortar plus the stain glass window and the sermons are all a part of the house of God, but the lord is everywhere. You don't need sermons or the brick & mortar to have a relationship with God let alone have God in your life. You can go out anywhere or even stay home and have a relationship with him. Even talk with him. God is not just in the church." Tom clasped his hands together.
"Ohhh." Nick nodded as he let everything his father said sink in, "You know something? I never thought of it like that. I was always told you had to go to church in order to have a relationship with God."
"No, sir. The lord is everywhere and church or no, you can have a relationship with him. Whoever told you otherwise was obviously a religious fanatic who couldn't be more wrong than a lot of things that go in this world. By the way, who told you that?" Tom was curious to know who told Nick that one had to go to church in order to have a relationship with God.
"It was uncle Ted." Nick replied.
"Figures." Tom shook his head, "If it wasn't Leonard my rival, Jim the recluse, your cousin Alma the gold digger, Adelaide the social climbing gold digger who taught her daughter Alma to be that way, Ophelia the four times divorced one who has a scheme up her sleeve, or Joe the one addicted to money and women bothering anybody, it's Ted the bible toting unpredictable one. I bet he did the hellfire and brimstone thing while telling you that, didn't he?"
"He told me that if I didn't go to church, I would be banished to the depths of hell and he said God was one of wrath." Nick told him.
"Oh brother!" Tom facepalmed, "He's a worse fanatic than I thought! I mean your mother and I taught you kids that God is loving and forgiving & that he never leaves his people only for Ted to ruin your perception with his fanatic talk. I'm so sorry he did that, Nick. However, now that you know your uncle Ted was full of it, maybe now you'll see things more clearly."
"Maybe I will. It'll take me time, though and plus, uncle Ted's hellfire & brimstone talk and your murder aren't the only reasons my faith dwindled. I also mentioned of witnessing a priest stealing. That right there was the final straw for me." Nick reminded him.
"I know, Nick and while that's understandable, you need to remember-" Tom was cut off.
"I mean after that, I thought: 'What's the point? What's the point in believing if God lets these things happen? What's the point? If we're all God's children and are supposed to go by his teachings, why didn't he protect father that night and why did that priest, Father Carmichael, steal? He was a man of God and swore to keep up God's teachings! Why did he have to steal?!'. A question I still ask at times." Nick added.
"He didn't have to steal, Nick. He chose to steal! He chose to covet thy neighbor's goods! Nobody made him do it. He chose to do it and lead a life of dishonesty while claiming to be a man of God. What he did was nothing short of blasphemy." Tom told him.
"Exactly and it was because of that, that my faith dwindled. You can even say that I lost my faith or a good chunk of it after that. I mean it already went down many pegs, because of your murder and I had consulted with Father Carmichael. I told him about how I blamed myself and how I was mad at God for letting you get killed. He understood and said all of the right things. All of the things that help ease the blow and I took it all as the truth. After all, he was a man of God and everything he said was gospel truth, right?" Nick continued.
"Wrong, Nick. Wrong by so many long shots." Tom shook his head.
"What do you mean?" Nick asked.
"For starters, God's name isn't Father Carmichael. He may have been a man of God spreading the word and messages, but by no means was he the lord himself. He was simply echoing the lord's teachings, but just because he was doing that, didn't exactly mean that he was going by them in his life outside of the brick & mortar. We can all say a lot of things like God's teachings, but that doesn't mean half of us go by it." Tom started.
"Father, how do you know all of this?" Nick asked.
"Being raised in a Catholic home, I had decided that my place was within the house of God and was studying to become a priest." Tom told him.
"Why did you stop?" Nick asked.
"While I was studying to be a priest, I met your mother and after falling in love with her, I wanted to be married and start a family. However, that went against the rules of priesthood. If one was to become a priest or a nun, you couldn't get married let alone fall in love. I wanted to do both, but seeing as I couldn't do both, that my dream shifted from becoming a priest to becoming a family man, that I didn't need to be a priest to have a relationship with God, and after hearing of the Salem witch trials thanks to your uncle Ted and my own father, I decided that priesthood wasn't the life for me. I mean at that point I was almost forcing myself to study to become a priest, but after discovering that I didn't need to be a priest to have a relationship with God and that I wanted to fulfill my dream of starting a family, I stopped studying religion, married your mother, became a rancher, and started our beautiful family. It was a tough decision due to my own parents frowning upon it, but it was worth it." Tom poured himself a glass of whiskey and took a sip.
"Wow! I never knew that about you father." Nick was amazed by all of what his father just said.
"None of you kids did. One, you just plain never asked and two, even if you did, I really didn't want to talk about it myself or have your mother or anybody telling any of you. I guess I figured you kids would take it the wrong way, find it complicating to comprehend, or something." Tom took another sip.
"Probably, but after a while, we would've understood. Plus too, you could've still been a man of God or well, one of his messengers. Like a minister or a pastor or even a reverend. I mean you went by the word and teachings of God. You were never dishonest." Nick grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured himself a glass.
"What are you talking about? I was dishonest, Nick. I broke one of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not commit adultery. In case you don't remember or refuse to remember, I committed adultery three times. Twice with Kerry Doherty and once with Leah Thompson. The third time of course produced your brother Heath, who I never ever knew about. Had I known about him, I would've welcomed him into our home and had some explaining to do to your mother and you kids, but nonetheless, I would've raised him. I just don't understand why Leah never informed me." Tom sighed.
"Well, seeing as people are very judgmental and high strung, it's no wonder she kept it hidden. I mean that kind of thing is not exactly ideal." Nick pointed out.
"That's true. However, those people who are high strung and judgmental have never heard: 'Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.'. A lot of people are quick to judge others and condemn those who did wrong when they themselves have committed some sort of sin. We all have, Nick. None of us are perfect. Not you, me, or anybody. That being said, apparently somewhere down the line at some point, Father Carmichael said he was perfect and you like many many others believed him." Tom poured himself another glass.
"Well, no, but-" Nick was cut off.
"There's no 'buts' about it, Nick. You need to get your God straight and restore your faith plus have a relationship with him and let him guide you like you once did. God is not Father Carmichael nor is he anybody on this Earth. No human being is God. We were all created in his image, but none of us are the almighty nor should we try to be." Tom set his glass aside, "That goes for priests, reverends, any religious leader. Even Father Carmichael. He may have been a man of God, but he was not God himself. You need to remember that and once you do, maybe it'll help you restore your faith in and relationship with God. Granted, it'll take time just like it'll take time for you to let go of the guilt, but I know you can do it."
"How?" Nick asked.
"You have the strongest will of them all. You're very passionate and you stop at nothing. I know you'll be able to do this, because I would sure hate to see you give up on God over what happened to me and what Father Carmichael did & I would sure hate to see you go on punishing yourself for the rest of your life over my murder. There wasn't a thing you or anybody could've done to change what happened. It happened and you need to move on." Tom started to have a smile form on his face, again.
Nick stayed silent and nodded, before taking the time to process all of what time just said. As much as he didn't want to face or believe it, he knew his father was right about everything. Why let one phony priest plus a religious fanatic and a tragedy destroy your faith forever? Then again, it was highly possible that one may not have had faith to begin with since it took all of that to tarnish it. However, seeing as how Tom was taken so soon and in a cold blooded way, it was understandable that Nick, among others, would lose his faith and go as far as to be angry at God for letting such a tragic thing happen, but as Tom explained it, some things happened for reasons nobody liked or understood. They just...well, happened and those who are left behind are to contend with them and move forward with life. Unfair as always, it was the way life went and that was that.
"Nick, I hope what I have said to you makes some sort of sense and helps you put things into perspective. I hope you take them to heart and get yourself started on the process of forgiving yourself plus restoring your faith in and relationship with God. You don't have to start on the faith in and relationship with God, yet but I do hope you at least put it into consideration. That being said, as of now, I want you to focus on forgiving yourself in order to let go of the guilt and move on." Tom looked him right in the eye.
"It's not supposed to make sense at all. In fact, I'm supposed to be confused and thrown off." Nick finally spoke up after a few minutes of being silent.
"Oh, you are?" Tom raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, because none of it is supposed to make sense, yet it is all starting to the more I think about it and absorb it, so to speak." Nick nodded, "But I still have more questions, though."
"Ask away, son. I'm all ears." Tom replied.
"Why did you cheat on mother those times and what good is restoring my faith and relationship plus letting go of the guilt going to do since I'm dead?" Nick scratched the back of his head.
To Be Continued...
Nick: Father, answer me.
Victoria: Nick, where are you?
Tom: We're having a moment, Victoria.
Jarrod: Huh?
Stefania: What's going on? Nick, where are you?
Carmine: R&R!
Goodbye August, Hello September!