Forbidden love for a Barkley

Part Eighteen:

"I Knew You Were Trouble, pt. 5: Primum Res"

Tom finally told Nick what he had needed to hear for years since his murder; he forgave him for the hurtful things he said during their feud. Understandably, Nick had a hard time believing that his father forgave him, because how could one forgive somebody for saying stuff that was hurtful enough to bring them to tears? How could Tom be so forgiving? Well, Tom explained how he knew Nick better than Nick even knew himself and he knew Nick didn't mean the nasty hurtful things he said just like how Tom didn't mean some of the hurtful stuff he said. After all, nobody's perfect and when you're in an argument with someone, you say things that even though they can be hurtful and you can never take them back, you don't mean them at all, right? Tom and Nick would touch up on another topic at hand; Having faith in and a relationship with God. Nick openly admitted that he had indeed lost faith in God after Tom's murder, after the hellfire & brimstone talk his uncle Ted did, and after he saw a priest by the name of Father Carmichael steal things while claiming to be a man of God and to go by God's teachings. Tom went into detail about everything plus a little something from his past that none of his children knew about him in the hopes of clarifying things for Nick and hoping that he will not only restore his faith in/relationship with God, but that he will finally find it within his heart to forgive himself, let go of the remorse & guilt, and finally, move on. The questions that remain are as follows: Will Nick finally let go of the guilt & remorse, restore his faith in/relationship with God, forgive himself of everything, and move forward? What's going on with Stefania and everyone else? Will Tom answer Nick's remaining question regarding why he (Tom) cheated on Victoria? and most importantly, is Nick having a dream, hallucination, vision, or is he really dead? Stay tuned and find out!

Author's Note: I do NOT own The Big Valley or its characters. I ONLY own this fic and the characters of: Stefania Mangano, Carmine Mangano Sr, Carmine's friends, Paulie Mangano, Leonard Barkley, Seth & his gang, and the Mangano family. This is the fifth to however many parts in this second multi parter saga. You get the idea by now and also, this one may be another brief chapter. However, we shall see. Also too, I got the idea for Nick's death, dream, or vision from The Rifleman episode: "The Vision", The Jeffersons episode: "They Don't Make Preachers Like Him Anymore", the Golden Girls episode: "Mrs. George Devereaux", & the All in the Family episode: "Edith's Crisis of Faith" parts 1 and 2 plus some real life tragedies I've experienced. Oh and before I forget, we may be near the end of the vision, dream, or death sequences. We shall find out which of the three it is real soon :D This may be a very brief chapter just to let you know.

(Flashback to part 17)

"Maybe I will. It'll take me time, though and plus, uncle Ted's hellfire & brimstone talk and your murder aren't the only reasons my faith dwindled. I also mentioned of witnessing a priest stealing. That right there was the final straw for me." Nick reminded him.

"I know, Nick and while that's understandable, you need to remember-" Tom was cut off.

"I mean after that, I thought: 'What's the point? What's the point in believing if God lets these things happen? What's the point? If we're all God's children and are supposed to go by his teachings, why didn't he protect father that night and why did that priest, Father Carmichael, steal? He was a man of God and swore to keep up God's teachings! Why did he have to steal?!'. A question I still ask at times." Nick added.

"He didn't have to steal, Nick. He chose to steal! He chose to covet thy neighbor's goods! Nobody made him do it. He chose to do it and lead a life of dishonesty while claiming to be a man of God. What he did was nothing short of blasphemy." Tom told him.

"Exactly and it was because of that, that my faith dwindled. You can even say that I lost my faith or a good chunk of it after that. I mean it already went down many pegs, because of your murder and I had consulted with Father Carmichael. I told him about how I blamed myself and how I was mad at God for letting you get killed. He understood and said all of the right things. All of the things that help ease the blow and I took it all as the truth. After all, he was a man of God and everything he said was gospel truth, right?" Nick continued.

"Wrong, Nick. Wrong by so many long shots." Tom shook his head.

"What do you mean?" Nick asked.

"For starters, God's name isn't Father Carmichael. He may have been a man of God spreading the word and messages, but by no means was he the lord himself. He was simply echoing the lord's teachings, but just because he was doing that, didn't exactly mean that he was going by them in his life outside of the brick & mortar. We can all say a lot of things like God's teachings, but that doesn't mean half of us go by it." Tom started.

"Father, how do you know all of this?" Nick asked.

"Being raised in a Catholic home, I had decided that my place was within the house of God and was studying to become a priest." Tom told him.

"Why did you stop?" Nick asked.

"While I was studying to be a priest, I met your mother and after falling in love with her, I wanted to be married and start a family. However, that went against the rules of priesthood. If one was to become a priest or a nun, you couldn't get married let alone fall in love. I wanted to do both, but seeing as I couldn't do both, that my dream shifted from becoming a priest to becoming a family man, that I didn't need to be a priest to have a relationship with God, and after hearing of the Salem witch trials thanks to your uncle Ted and my own father, I decided that priesthood wasn't the life for me. I mean at that point I was almost forcing myself to study to become a priest, but after discovering that I didn't need to be a priest to have a relationship with God and that I wanted to fulfill my dream of starting a family, I stopped studying religion, married your mother, became a rancher, and started our beautiful family. It was a tough decision due to my own parents frowning upon it, but it was worth it." Tom poured himself a glass of whiskey and took a sip.

"Wow! I never knew that about you father." Nick was amazed by all of what his father just said.

"None of you kids did. One, you just plain never asked and two, even if you did, I really didn't want to talk about it myself or have your mother or anybody telling any of you. I guess I figured you kids would take it the wrong way, find it complicating to comprehend, or something." Tom took another sip.

"Probably, but after a while, we would've understood. Plus too, you could've still been a man of God or well, one of his messengers. Like a minister or a pastor or even a reverend. I mean you went by the word and teachings of God. You were never dishonest." Nick grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured himself a glass.

"What are you talking about? I was dishonest, Nick. I broke one of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not commit adultery. In case you don't remember or refuse to remember, I committed adultery three times. Twice with Kerry Doherty and once with Leah Thompson. The third time of course produced your brother Heath, who I never ever knew about. Had I known about him, I would've welcomed him into our home and had some explaining to do to your mother and you kids, but nonetheless, I would've raised him. I just don't understand why Leah never informed me." Tom sighed.

"Well, seeing as people are very judgmental and high strung, it's no wonder she kept it hidden. I mean that kind of thing is not exactly ideal." Nick pointed out.

"That's true. However, those people who are high strung and judgmental have never heard: 'Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.'. A lot of people are quick to judge others and condemn those who did wrong when they themselves have committed some sort of sin. We all have, Nick. None of us are perfect. Not you, me, or anybody. That being said, apparently somewhere down the line at some point, Father Carmichael said he was perfect and you like many many others believed him." Tom poured himself another glass.

"Well, no, but-" Nick was cut off.

"There's no 'buts' about it, Nick. You need to get your God straight and restore your faith plus have a relationship with him and let him guide you like you once did. God is not Father Carmichael nor is he anybody on this Earth. No human being is God. We were all created in his image, but none of us are the almighty nor should we try to be." Tom set his glass aside, "That goes for priests, reverends, any religious leader. Even Father Carmichael. He may have been a man of God, but he was not God himself. You need to remember that and once you do, maybe it'll help you restore your faith in and relationship with God. Granted, it'll take time just like it'll take time for you to let go of the guilt, but I know you can do it."

"How?" Nick asked.

"You have the strongest will of them all. You're very passionate and you stop at nothing. I know you'll be able to do this, because I would sure hate to see you give up on God over what happened to me and what Father Carmichael did & I would sure hate to see you go on punishing yourself for the rest of your life over my murder. There wasn't a thing you or anybody could've done to change what happened. It happened and you need to move on." Tom started to have a smile form on his face, again.

Nick stayed silent and nodded, before taking the time to process all of what time just said. As much as he didn't want to face or believe it, he knew his father was right about everything. Why let one phony priest plus a religious fanatic and a tragedy destroy your faith forever? Then again, it was highly possible that one may not have had faith to begin with since it took all of that to tarnish it. However, seeing as how Tom was taken so soon and in a cold blooded way, it was understandable that Nick, among others, would lose his faith and go as far as to be angry at God for letting such a tragic thing happen, but as Tom explained it, some things happened for reasons nobody liked or understood. They just...well, happened and those who are left behind are to contend with them and move forward with life. Unfair as always, it was the way life went and that was that.

"Nick, I hope what I have said to you makes some sort of sense and helps you put things into perspective. I hope you take them to heart and get yourself started on the process of forgiving yourself plus restoring your faith in and relationship with God. You don't have to start on the faith in and relationship with God, yet but I do hope you at least put it into consideration. That being said, as of now, I want you to focus on forgiving yourself in order to let go of the guilt and move on." Tom looked him right in the eye.

"It's not supposed to make sense at all. In fact, I'm supposed to be confused and thrown off." Nick finally spoke up after a few minutes of being silent.

"Oh, you are?" Tom raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, because none of it is supposed to make sense, yet it is all starting to the more I think about it and absorb it, so to speak." Nick nodded, "But I still have more questions, though."

"Ask away, son. I'm all ears." Tom replied.

"Why did you cheat on mother those times and what good is restoring my faith and relationship plus letting go of the guilt going to do since I'm dead?" Nick scratched the back of his head.

(Now)

Tom stood there and let Nick's questions sink in. By the look on his face, one could tell that he was dreading the one question in regards to his infidelity. There were two possible reasons on why he dreaded the infidelity question; One, he thought he had cleared up his affair with Kerry Doherty and moved past it & two, he never thought he would need to explain about Leah Thompson. He assumed that once Heath had somewhat explained things, the matter was dropped. Now, Nick asked him the dreaded question and he was going to have to answer for it. No more stalling or mysteries behind the twice infidelity.

"Father?" Nick folded his arms.

"I guess there's no use in leaving it to everybody's imagination, is there?" Tom started.

"I think we all deserve the answer or answers." Nick sounded a bit terse.

"Well, for starters, I am not proud of the infidelity. I never was. In fact, I have regretted it both in life and in death." Tom sat down on a nearby chair.

"Father, you're splitting hairs." Nick replied.

"Nick, to be honest, I thought we had this cleared up before." Tom looked up at him.

"Father, all we did was work on our relationship that one time until we fell out prior to your murder. You never really said why you did it. Now, please, out with it." Nick shook his head.

"Nick, you see-Oh, heck! There's no good reason for why I did it. There isn't nor is there an excuse. All I can say is that after your birth-" Tom was cut off.

"Oh good! Another thing I can feel guilty about! Just...good!" Nick turned away from his father and ran a hand over his face.

"Nick..." Tom put his hand on his son's shoulder.

"No! No! It was, because of me that you cheated on mother! Had I not been-" Nick turned to face his father, but was cut off when Tom slapped him across the face.

"Enough of that, Nicholas! I won't have you talk like that." Tom took a deep breath, before continuing, "Now, look, it wasn't, because of your birth that I committed infidelity. Like I said, there is no good valid reason or excuse. In fact, it should've never happened, but unfortunately, it did and I'm telling what happened prior to the infidelity. You see, after you were born, your mother became quite depressed and even moody. Heck, she would be fine one minute and the next minute, she would tear into me and basically tell me that I couldn't do anything right. Instead of being the bigger person and walking away to cool off, I would fire back at her and we would argue for hours on the painful end. Then-"

"Father, that's not fair. That's not fair at all!" Nick gave him a look.

"What isn't?" Tom asked.

"You're blaming mother and you're just as responsible, yet you're not taking responsi-" Nick was cut off again when Tom slapped him, yet again.

"I am not blaming your mother one bit! In fact, I'm telling you what happened and get to my infractions, but how am I going to do that, if you keep interrupting? Just how?" Tom shot him a glare.

"I'm sorry, father. Please, continue. Oh and...ouch!" Nick rubbed his face.

"Thank you. You know, you got that annoying habit from Jarrod, because whenever he was trying to prove a point or in trouble, he would interrupt like that and practically "lawyer" himself out of trouble or "lawyer" his point across. No wonder he became a lawyer eventually. Anyways, anyways, I'm getting off track. Back to where I was originally. Your mother and I would bicker for hours on the painful end and finally, I just couldn't take it anymore, so I made up that I was going to be on a cattle drive for a good month or two. Your mother seemed okay with it and off I went, only I wasn't going on a cattle drive. I just made an excuse to get away from it all and give ourselves some time apart, because I felt that was what we needed in order to sort ourselves out, if you will. I went to Sacramento. I didn't stay in Stockton, because the further I was away, the better. I was there for a good few weeks when one day, I started to feel lonely and well, miss your mother, Jarrod, and you, but at the same time, I knew I couldn't come back, because a few weeks isn't enough time to give one some space, so I didn't come back. I was sitting in a saloon and enjoying a drink as best as I could when she came along." Tom looked at the floor.

"She, Leah or she, Kerry?" Nick asked.

"Kerry. I didn't know her name at the time, of course. Anyways, Kerry came to my table and asked if she could join me. By the looks of it, she looked lonely and like she had been through a rough time, so I said yes and once she sat down, we got to talking for hours. I mean Kerry and I talked about everything except why we were in Sacramento, of course. It wasn't until sundown that we asked each other and I quote: "What brings you to Sacramento besides the scenery?" unquote. I told her about my situation with your mother and Kerry told me about how she & her husband had just divorced. Well, more like her husband dumped her and threw her out of the house, so he could move his girlfriend in. To put it in a delicate way, we had our problems and by airing them out...well, we found comfort in each other. Solace more like. That was when we decided to be friends. Just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Just friends." Tom took another deep breath, before continuing, "Well, as you all know, the friendship lasted a long time, but it started to take a romantic turn and despite our promises of being just friends...we started what would be a brief, but passionate relationship. I say 'relationship', because 'affair' is a very strong and nasty word."

"Affair is such a nas-Father, relationship or affair, it was still infidelity! No matter how you look at it or try to clean it up, it was still infidelity. It was still cheating and it was wrong." Nick pointed out in a very firm way.

"I know, Nick, I know, but-" Tom was cut off.

"But nothing. I'm sorry I keep interrupting, but it makes my skin crawl just hearing all of this for the first time and I'm having a hard time processing all of this." Nick rubbed the sides of his head with his fingers.

"Well, you better start processing pretty fast, because there's more." Tom replied.

"If there's details that are sordid or very inappropriate, please do not say any more. I beg of you." Nick continued rubbing the sides of his head.

"No, no, nothing inappropriate. Put your mind back into your head and your head back onto your shoulders where it belongs." Tom gave him a look.

"Sorry, father." Nick nodded.

"That's better. Now, while you grow up a little, I'll continue the story. Anyways, our relationship, if you will, lasted for a long time and everything was fine...until one day while she was out, I was getting dressed after washing up when my wallet fell out of my coat pocket and flew open. I picked it up and saw a picture of you with Jarrod sitting near you. As I looked at that picture, that's when I came to my senses. As I looked at the picture, I got to thinking and had an epiphany, if you will. I realized that despite mine and your mother's problems, I was still her husband and I was still a father who needed to go back and be with his family. After all, she may have snapped out of her mood swings and plus, a father needs to be present in his children's lives. It all seemed like a cinch, but there was one problem...how was I gonna tell Kerry? Before I could possibly think about it, I ended up not having to wonder or think about it, because when Kerry came back, she admitted that she got a telegram from her former husband and she was in love with him again. That was a huge stress off my chest. So, we parted ways and went back to our families. I never saw Kerry again after that...until later on, of course. My second time committing infidelity." Tom poured himself another glass of whiskey and took a sip.

"Wow! I...I..." Nick was at a loss for words.

"It's okay, you don't need to react or say a word. It's wrong and very inexcusable." Tom put his hand up, "The second time, your mother had grown distant towards me which caused a fight between us and made me feel like a nothing. To top things off, she kicked me out, so I moved elsewhere. While spending the day in the saloon, Kerry and I reunited. Let me tell you, it was nice reuniting with her. It felt like an old friend came to visit. No awkwardness. Nothing. We got to talking about stuff and once again, marital woes was the subject. I told her what happened between your mother and me & she told me that since we split up, her love life had not been great. In fact, she was divorcing her fifth husband after two months. After talking and talking, our friendship restarted and like before, we promised that we would be just friends. Of course, that promise was broken, because we had an affair once again. This time, it lasted for four months. The reason for that is one, Kerry flirted with other guys and two, we started fighting. It wasn't the same as it was when you were a newborn."

"Father!" Nick had a look of disgust on his face.

"I know, Nick. It was wrong and there's no excuse for it. I know it's horrifying, but I'm telling you exactly what had happened. It doesn't make it right by any means, but you wanted answers, so that's what I'm giving. Anyways, we had many fights until I decided to end things with her for good and go back to your mother, while keeping this a secret. Kerry, who was known to be a big mouth when mad, had threatened to expose the affair to your mother. Panicked, I decided it was best for me to do it. Kerry would've given a false narrative of things and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So, I decided to meet up with your mother at the saloon after receiving a telegram from her, saying she wanted to talk things over and work them out. I went to the saloon the very next day and waited around for her. What I didn't know was that somehow my oh so lovely brother Leonard had found out about my affair with Kerry and had already told your mother like the buttinsky and snitch he always had been since childhood." Tom continued.

"That is a Leonard thing to do just like ordering McMahon and his gang to attack Stefania! Anyways, I doubt mother was real tickled when she found this out." Nick told him.

"Oh no, she was seething about it and I was mad at Leonard. Very mad, but then I thought: "Why am I surprised? He loved Victoria and was hellbent on ruining my marriage due to her spurning him. His blabbing has now led to our separation.", because after finding that out, we separated and she even contemplated divorce. I didn't blame her a bit, because I was and still am mad at myself for going with Kerry. For goodness sake, I was a married man and a father & you just don't do that, but on the same token, we're all human. We all make errors. That's no excuse, though. It just isn't." Tom sighed, "Oh, if I could've reversed it, you better believe that I would, because as I got a little older and more mature plus after your mother and I decided to get back together & work things out, I learned to walk away if heated words were exchanged. Rather than go off with another woman or seek attention, just walk away, cool off, and come back then apologize and admit where you went wrong. If I knew that when I got with Kerry, I would've never gotten with Kerry. I wouldn't. However, I was young, immature, and stupid plus ignorant. That's all I can say."

Nick remained silent and let what his father said sink in. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. In fact, he was shocked even though, shocked put it very lightly. He wasn't sure on whether to be relieved that he got an answer in regards to the Kerry Doherty affair or to be angry about it.

*Nick's POV*

'Oh my word. I...I never thought-No, I never knew the extent of his affair with Kerry. I mean I knew he had cheated, but I never knew why...until now. Well, none of us did. I must admit that this was shocking and I say shocking to be nice.'

I then remember that the Kerry Doherty affair was many years ago and shrug.

'Then again, that was a long time ago, but still, this came as a shock. It sounds logical yet illogical at the same time.'

I get a weird look on my face.

'That made zero sense, because how could it be logical and illogical at the same time?'

I think it over for a bit then nod my head.

'It's illogical, because who does that? Who has an affair after having a simple disagreement? Who does that?! Nobody in their right mind, of course! On the same token, it sounds logical, because at least father admitted it was wrong and made things right with mother. Most men would've been too prideful to admit when they're wrong, even when it came to infidelity. Father had a good reason to give mother some space and to find a friend, but he crossed the line by having an affair! Both times might I add! It's one thing to seek a friend and give somebody space, but that doesn't mean you start an affair, because you can't deal with your significant other or spouse. You just don't do that!'

I remember what father had just said.

'Then again, father was right...he was young, ignorant, immature, and stupid. When you're all of that, you do things that do not make a bit of sense. You do things that you would never normally do. You do things...that you'll regret later. Just like how I regret choking Heath out over Hester and saying those hurtful things to father.'

I sigh.

'Father is also right in regards to nobody being perfect. I mean we all are human and we all are flawed, so that goes without saying. I'm not perfect nor did I ever say I was.'

I think about Father Carmichael and cringe.

'I still cannot believe Father Carmichael stole and led a double life. One life was him being a priest and being a man of God while the other was being a dishonest thief among other possible things. I just...It just makes my skin crawl. Well that and my own father's infidelity. Two people I looked up to and put on a pedestal. One, who is my own father and the other being somebody who I looked to as a second father figure after my own father was murdered in cold blood. Somebody who I thought could never do wrong and he does wrong. They both do wrong.'

I shake my head.

'Get it together, Nick. You're not a kid anymore. This hero worship and putting people on a pedestal is kid stuff. Adults don't do such a thing.'

*Outside of Nick's mind*

Nick continued to remain silent and absorb everything his father told him in regards to the Kerry Doherty affair. He was unsure of how to react to it. He didn't know whether he should be angry or shocked or relieved he got an answer at long last or just simply not react at all and move forward. Then again, how could one just move on after knowing their parent committed infidelity against the other parent and find out the reason why many many many many years or so later. One couldn't act like nothing happened and simply move on. Not for ethical, moral, or any other reasons. Nick knew he couldn't forget it despite the fact that the infidelity took place way back in the past. He just couldn't sweep it under the rug, but he also couldn't get too angry about it, because what was done was done and getting too angry over a past misgiving, especially when the person who did it was no longer among the living, wouldn't solve anything. This was a hard pill to swallow to say the very least.

"Nick." Tom spoke up.

No answer.

"Nick, I know it's a hard pill to swallow and you have every right to be angry with me, but you must remember that I am not perfect nor have I ever said I was." Tom told him.

"I...I know." Nick finally spoke up after a few more minutes of total silence on his part while still processing what Tom told him, "I just...I just can't believe that, because mother was suffering all kinds of moods after having me that you would lie to her and have an affair."

"Nick, I'm not proud of it, but I was young and very stupid. I didn't have the emotional maturity to handle her griping at me, having her own pity party, and all. I just didn't. I'm not trying to gather any sympathy, because I do not deserve it at all. I deserve zero sympathy for hurting the woman I love and disrespecting our marriage. However, I just hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and once you tell her or she reads my diary one day, she finds it in her heart to forgive me as well, because I never had a chance to tell her the reason behind it. I mean when we made up and worked on our marriage, I never found a reason to tell her the 'why'. She knew the 'what' like all of you kids did, but nobody ever knew the 'why'." Tom sighed and had a look of remorse in his eyes.

"Why didn't you ever tell us why you did what you did with Kerry?" Nick asked.

"I figured it was a waste of time to bring it up and plus, I was trying to work on bettering my marriage and my relationship with you kids. Why bring up an old wound?" Tom shrugged.

"You have a point there." Nick nodded.

"I am not proud of it and for what it's worth, I am so sorry. Truly, I am. I know sorry doesn't cut it by a long shot, but I never had the chance to truly say how sorry I am." Tom rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well, it was a horrible thing you did, but I forgive you. Usually, I would hold a grudge, but since I'm dead, why carry a grudge for all eternity. That being said, what was the idea behind Leah Thompson, Heath's mother? You probably promised to never commit infidelity a third time, but...you did and it produced brother Heath. Now, out with it." Nick told him in a very terse way.

"We're on the Leah Thompson subject, now?" Tom asked.

"Uh huh. Out with it." Nick nodded.

"Unlike Kerry Doherty, there is not much to tell about Leah Thompson." Tom started.

"What?" Nick got a perplexed look on his face.

To Be Continued...

Nick: What do you mean that there isn't much to tell in regards to Leah?

Stefania: Nick, where are you?

Jarrod: What does Primum Res mean?

Tom: It is Latin for First Affair.

Nick: Father, what do you mean there is-

Tom: Wait until the next chapter, Nick.

Victoria: R&R!

Happy belated Labor Day, everybody! :D