(Ponyboy)
Safe was not a feeling I was used to. Scared, hungry, and lonely, I was plenty familiar with. The bad feelings seemed like they had been reigning over me all my life but from the time I was released from the hospital back home with my brothers, they hadn't been as big. It was like they had shrunk down and now the good feelings– safe, warm, happy– were bigger than the bad ones, squishing them down small enough so they weren't consuming me anymore. It almost felt like I was living in a snowglobe, a picture perfect, safe little bubble that I had somehow managed to settle into. Of course, something had to come along and shake it all up.
The days after Christmas passed in a blur as my brothers and I found our way into a routine. The weather was clearing up so Darry was back to work most days, but he and Soda tried to coordinate their schedules so that I wasn't left on my own for too long. I thought they didn't really need to worry about that, I'd been taking care of myself for a long time, but it still felt nice to know that they cared. Not only that, but the house never seemed to be empty. The gang was constantly coming and going through the house, never even really giving me a chance to be alone.
My side still ached some but it didn't bother me too much. I had gotten my stitches out today. Darry left work early to take me, seeing as he needed to get the stitches in his arm out also. He wasn't even really supposed to be working with them in but he'd waved us all off anytime we tried to voice our concern. Soda insisted on coming with us, for 'moral support' as he put it. I had rolled my eyes at that and insisted that he didn't need to, but secretly I was glad. I was a little nervous to go back to the hospital, but having both of my brothers with me made me feel better about it.
The three of us returned home after our doctor's appointment, which had been blissfully uneventful. They'd simply taken the stitches out, deeming my side healed and Darry cleared to go back to work, which had Darry sending a smirk in me and Soda's direction. I was finally starting to relax after the nerves from the day when the phone rang, the shrill ringing interrupting us just after me and my brothers sat down for a rare dinner of just the three of us.
Darry sighed but got up to go answer it.
"Curtis Residence"
No matter how many times I heard it, I couldn't stop the thrill that went through me. Curtis. I was a Curtis.
"Oh hi, Mrs. Smith. I'm fine, how are you?"
My stomach dropped, it was the social worker. What if she was calling to take me away again? What if she was telling Darry this was all a mistake and I don't actually belong here? I tried to focus on Darry's one sided conversation with her but I could hardly hear anything over the sound of blood rushing in my ears.
"Pony!" Soda said, giving my shoulder a sharp shake.
He and Darry were both crouching in front of me, twin looks of concern on their faces. I didn't know how they got there or when Darry had finished his phone call.
"Huh?"
"We've been trying to get your attention for a minute there. You zoned out or something" Soda told me.
"You okay, Pony?" Darry asks.
I nod, my mouth feels dry but I need to ask about the phone call.
"What'd the social worker want?"
Darry gives me a tight lipped grin.
"She was calling to tell me that we have a court date. It's gonna be in three days, on the sixth".
"Oh"
"It'll be okay, Pony. This is just a hoop we gotta jump through. They ain't taking you away"
"Soda's right. Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Lawrence said we should have no problems getting permanent custody. I did everything they told me to, got you registered at school and been taking you to the doctors. There's no reason for them to take you".
"Okay" I say with a shaky nod of my head.
"She also said that Mrs. Lawrence is going to come by for a home visit the day before the court case" Darry adds, trying to sound casual.
Soda's brow furrows, "Hey wait, but Dar that's your-"
"So we'll need to tidy the house up before then" Darry cuts him off with a sharp glance, "Make sure the house is neat and clean for her".
I look between the two of them as they stare at each other, seemingly having a conversation with only their eyes. Soda throws one more concerned look at Darry and then shrugs. I feel kinda left out, like they have some kind of brother telepathy that I don't.
"Is everything okay?" I ask, nervously glancing between the two of them.
Any concern that was on Soda's face is gone, replaced with a reassuring smile that he flashes towards me.
"Of course it is"
"Everything is just fine, kiddo" Darry says, reaching a hand out to squeeze the back of my neck.
Soda and Darry take their spots at the table and start back in on their dinner. My appetite is completely gone, replaced with a nauseous feeling while thoughts of the home visit and court case swirl through my head.
Darry notices me just pushing the food around my plate.
"Ain't you hungry, Ponyboy?" he asks.
I shrug.
"Want me to make you something else?" he offers.
"No, I'm fine. I'm just really not that hungry tonight."
"You feel okay?" Soda asks while Darry leans forward and presses a hand against my forehead. I roll my eyes at their touching, yet overdramatic, concern.
"I feel fine. Really" I tell them, brushing off their worrying hands and stares. "The court case has just got me a little nervous is all. Kinda lost my appetite" I mumble.
Luckily they dont push me to eat, I think I would puke the second a bite of food hit my stomach. Darry just takes the chicken off of my plate and plops it onto his own and Soda reaches over me to snag bites of corn.
The nerves follow me to bed that night. I lay there, staring at the ceiling, while thoughts of social workers and foster homes race through my brain, making my stomach churn. I glance over at Soda, who's sleeping soundly, and scoot over closer to him so that I'm pressed against his side. He doesn't wake up, but his arm loops around me, tugging me closer.
I hadn't asked Soda to move into my room, but he'd done it anyway. I was thankful he had, his arm thrown across me and the sound of his light snoring seemed to drive away the nightmares that had been plaguing me for years.
I know that both of my brothers were concerned about my nightmares. They'd both slept in my room when I first got back from the hospital and I don't know if it was their presence or the sheer exhaustion that comes from being stabbed, but I didn't have any nightmares that night. The night after Christmas, they'd both gone back to their own rooms, only to come hurtling back into mine when apparently I started screaming in the middle of the night. The scary part is, I don't even remember what I dreamed about, only that I was completely terrified. After three nights of me waking up the whole house after screaming bloody murder, Soda had started sleeping in my bed. He hadn't asked, just crawled into bed with me and tucked the blanket securely around us. And it had helped. It helped better than any sleeping pill had ever worked. Sure, I still had the nightmares, but I wasn't screaming, and all it took was a little comforting from Soda to get me back to sleep.
But even with him here, I couldn't sleep tonight. My thoughts were racing and I couldn't calm my brain down. I felt tense, like my muscles were ready to spring into action. I felt the urge to run, but I didn't know where I would run to. I knew if I somehow managed to fall asleep tonight, I'd have a nightmare, the bad kind where I screamed and cried, so I stared at the ceiling all night and tried to match my panicked breathing to Soda's slow and steady breaths.
It went like that for the next few days. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I'd chewed my nails down to the quick and had taken to picking at my cuticles until they bled. I knew Darry and Soda were worried about me, but I couldn't help it. I could hear the two of them murmuring to each other, voices so low I couldn't make out the words but I was sure they were talking about me. The stress of the upcoming court case was eating me from the inside out. They tried to get the guys to convince me to get out of the house to get my mind off of things, but not even Johnny's pleading eyes or Two Bit's promise of milkshakes could get me to leave. I was scared that if I left, I'd never come back.
The guys all hung around our house instead, playing cards or watching television. Darry had even made them clean. He also made them promise to stay clear of our house the day of the home visit but promised they could all come by for dinner after the court case. Mrs. Lawrence had called and said she would be here around ten, so Darry was taking a half day at work and then going in for a few hours after.
The day of the home visit arrived. I dragged myself to the kitchen, plopping into my usual seat after another restless night. The kitchen smelled good, and for the first time in three days, I felt my stomach twinge in hunger. Darry was at the counter, finishing up the frosting on a chocolate cake that I figured was the source of the delectable aroma.
"Morning, kiddo" he said brightly, his face taking on it's usual look of concern when he saw the circles under my eyes, "Still didn't sleep great?"
I shrug, clasping my hands tightly in my lap. They're shaking.
Soda comes skidding into the kitchen, water droplets flying from his hair that he hasn't dried yet from his shower.
He ruffles my hair as he goes past me, "Morning, Ponykid"
He turns to Darry with a smile so bright it lights up the whole kitchen and he runs to him and starts pounding his fist against Darry's shoulder, "Hey Dar, ha-"
"Chill out" Darry interrupts as he grabs him in a headlock and drags his knuckles across Soda's head, just like Soda had just done to me, "You're getting water all over the floor Soda"
Soda swings his arms out, trying to pry himself out of Darry's hold, "Well excuse me for being in a happy mood this morning"
Darry gives him a shake, unrelenting in his hold even as Soda pushes against him.
"Pony! I need back up" Soda squawks, his arms flailing in his unsuccessful attempts to break free from Darry.
I can't help the smile that tugs at my face. I meet Darry's eyes and he raises an eyebrow in challenge, daring me to take him on.
I want to join in on the playing, the easy wrestling that my brothers and their friends do, but I'm still a bit unsure of my place here, I'm scared to make the wrong move. Besides, even if I wanted to, there was no way I could ever take Darry on.
So I raise my hands in surrender, "Sorry, Soda"
Darry nods approvingly at my surrender and gives Soda another shake before he releases him.
"Thanks for the backup" Soda grumbles as he plops into the chair next to me. Even though he's pretending to be mad at me for not helping him, he can't keep the smile off his face.
"He's the smart one. He knows better than to poke the grizzly" Darry teases as he slides a plate with eggs and toast in front of me and gives the back of my neck a squeeze.
"Cake for breakfast?" Soda asks excitedly, his eyes finally seeing the chocolate cake Darry had been working on.
"No, not for breakfast you goon" Darry says with an affectionate roll of his eyes. "Its for after" he adds, shooting Soda a pointed look.
Soda sticks his tongue out at him but turns it into a smile when Darry puts his own plate of food down in front of him.
"Thanks Darry" he says, "I'll take care of dinner tonight"
The way he says it is kind of weird and the two of them seem to be talking with their eyes again but I have too many other things on my mind to really try and decipher it.
Whatever appetite I thought I had after smelling the cake is gone, and the most I'm able to do is nibble on some of the toast. The clock is ticking, the social worker will be here soon. I take a few more small bites of toast before excusing myself from the table. I hurry to the bathroom and jump in the shower, not bothering with heating the water. I'm hoping the icy water will wake me up and snap me out of my panic, but all it really does is make me cold.
After I shower, I sit on the couch in between Darry and Soda with my shaking hands tucked under my legs. We'd been cleaning like crazy the last few days and now there was nothing to do but wait. Soda turned the television on and Darry opened the newspaper, but I knew neither one were really paying attention.
It felt like I was staring down the barrel of a shotgun, inching my way towards the end of a plank over a stormy sea, tied down to the railroad tracks as the train raced toward me while the whistle screamed.
There's a knock at the door, reverberating through the house like cannon fire.
Darry gives me a quick pat on the knee and shoots me a tight lipped smile as he gets up to answer the door. He looks calm, but he runs a hand through his hair, a telltale sign I've figured means he's nervous.
Soda scoots closer to me, knocking my arm with his. And it's like at night with my nightmares, it doesn't take all the fear away but it does make me feel better to have him near.
"Hi Mrs. Lawrence" Darry says as he opens the door to allow the social worker inside.
"Hello, Darry. Hi, Sodapop, Ponyboy" She says warmly, looking over at the two of us on the couch.
Soda stands up to greet her, pulling me up along with him gently by my arm. While Soda is able to kindly greet Mrs. Lawrence, the best I can do is give her a polite smile, which I worry looked more like a grimace.
Despite my grimace-y smile, Mrs. Lawrence sends me a genuine smile, her eyes soft as she takes us in.
"Well, considering I just did a home visit recently, I think we can keep things pretty short today. I was thinking we can all talk together, then I can talk to Ponyboy for a moment, and then Darry can give me another look around the house. Does that sound okay?"
She's looking at me as she says this, as if I'm the one making decisions here. I glance up at Darry who gives me an encouraging nod.
"Okay" I tell her quietly.
"Great" she says kindly, not at all deterred by my lack of enthusiasm.
"Here" Darry tells her, gesturing for her to take the recliner.
"Thank you" she tells him, crossing her legs and resting her hands on her lap.
Soda and I sit back down on the couch. I'm sitting close enough to him that our arms are still pressed together. Darry sits down on my other side, his leg pressed against my knee.
"So, Ponyboy, how are you settling in? How have you been feeling since the hospital?"
"Um, good" my voice comes out a whisper, I clear my throat and try to talk a little louder, "I'm good"
"Your side is feeling okay?"
I nod.
"He got his stitches out a few days ago. The doc said his side was healing perfectly, should barely even scar" Darry adds, saving me from having to say more.
"And did you boys have a good Christmas?"
The question throws me off. Is she asking because she actually cares? Or is she fishing for something, setting a trap for me to say the wrong thing and get me yanked out of here?
"Oh it was great!" Soda says with his movie star smile, "It was the best Christmas ever"
"I'm glad to hear it" Mrs. Lawrence says. And she does sound like she means it. I try to remind myself that not all social workers are bad, maybe she is actually a good one, one who actually cares. I remember how nice she was in the hospital, how she had promised to help. I try to hold on to that small inkling of trust I had felt towards her then.
"Ponyboy, is it okay if your brothers wait in the kitchen while you and I talk for a moment?"
I don't want to. I don't want them to leave me. But I know her asking me is rhetorical and I don't really have a choice in the matter. I glance at each of my brothers quickly before I give her a nod.
Soda gives me another nudge before he goes, following Darry into the kitchen.
Mrs. Lawrence leans forward, her hands still politely clasped in her lap.
"I'm going to ask you a few questions, you can just nod or shake your head if that's easier than answering. But I do want you to be honest with me, please"
I meet her eyes and give a quick nod before dropping my eyes back to the coffee table.
"Do you feel safe here, Ponyboy?"
An empathetic nod.
"Do you feel taken care of here?"
Another empathetic nod.
"Do you want to stay here?"
"Yes" I croak, "I just want to stay here. With Darry and Soda. Please, they promised I could"
Mrs. Lawrence leans forward more, one of her hands slowly extending before gently placing it on top of mine.
"Ponyboy, I know you've been through a lot lately, more than anyone your age ever should have to go through. But I really do only want what's best for you. And I believe that being with your brothers is what's best. So I will do everything I can to make sure that happens" She says and gives my hand a gentle pat before she leans back in her chair.
"Thank you" I whisper.
"Can you go get Darry for me please?"
I hurry to stand up, my eyes burning with unshed tears as I hurry to the kitchen. Darry and Soda are both standing by the table, nervous expressions falling from their faces as I scurry into the room.
"Hey Pony, did that go oka- umph" Darry lets out a breath as I slam into him, hugging him as hard as I can.
Darry hugs me back tight, and then one his hands goes to cup the back of my head, "What's the matter? You alright?"
I nod and pull back, looking up at him. "I'm alright. She wants you in the living room"
"It's all almost over" he murmurs to me before taking me by the arms and spinning me towards Soda, "Here. You take him now"
Soda smiles and replaces Darry, hugging me tight and leaning back to lift my feet off the ground.
"Hey!" I say, trying to kick at him with my dangling feet. He drops me back to the ground, leaving an arm slung around my shoulders.
"That go okay?"
"I think it did"
"Good" he says with a grin. The two of us go back to the living room and wait for Darry and Mrs. Lawrence to finish their tour of the house.
They finish quickly, coming back to the living room.
"Well, I have all I need from here. I'll see you boys tomorrow at the courthouse, 9:00 sharp." Mrs. Lawrence tells us, and then she must see the nervous expression on my face because she adds to me, "Mrs. Smith and myself are both recommending that Darrel gets permanent custody, and we have testimonies from reputable sources to help add to our case. Just remember, you have a lot people in support of you being here"
Her words ease a tiny bit of my anxiety about tomorrow. Not all of it, but it does help me feel better about it.
"Thank you" I tell her again. She bids us good bye and then Darry walks her to the door.
As she steps on to the porch, she turns to add one more thing, "Oh, I almost forgot, happy birthday, Darrel. I was sorry to have schedule all of this around your birthday but I figured you wouldn't want to put the court case off any longer"
Birthday? An icy hand grabs my heart and squeezes as my head snaps over to Darry.
Darry winces but covers it with a smile, "Thank you. And yes, the sooner the better. Anything to get Ponyboy home"
He shuts the door and turns to me, a guilty look on his face.
I'm glad I hardly ate anything at breakfast because a ball of lead has taken up residence in my stomach.
"It's your birthday?" I ask, beyond hurt that he didn't bother to tell me.
Darry hurries over to us and crouches down in front of me as Soda tries to throw his arm around my shoulder but I shrug it off.
"It is. I was going to tell you but I didn't want to add any other stress on to this week"
Soda nods along to his words, "We were going to celebrate this weekend instead, his birthday and us winning permanent custody"
"You knew?" I turn to Soda, betrayed that he knew what today was and didn't tell me. But now their behavior and secret conversations over the last few days make sense. I'm not really mad at them for not telling me. I'm mad at myself for not knowing what today was.
Soda flinches at the sting of my words but he nods, chewing his lip nervously.
"Pony" Darry says seriously, grabbing one of my hands and giving it a tight squeeze, "I'm so sorry we didn't tell you, but we weren't keeping it from you, honest. I just didn't want to think about my birthday until all this court stuff was settled"
"Did you think I wouldn't care?" I ask him, scared to hear this answer but desperate to know.
Darry shakes his head, "No" he says firmly, "Of course I knew you would care, Ponyboy. I just saw how nervous you were these last few days and we just have so much going on this week that I figured my birthday didn't really matter."
"It does matter" I cross my arms tight across my chest, "I didn't get you a present or anything"
"Just having you and Soda around is good enough for me. I don't need any presents, especially right after Chritstmas"
"Yeah, January birthdays are pretty inconvenient, Darry" Soda teases, trying to lighten the mood.
Darry chuckles but I can't smile along with them. I feel betrayed that they kept this from me, but mostly I feel embarrassed. Ashamed of the fact that I'm the lousiest brother in history.
"You had to make your own birthday cake" I tell him, unable to keep the despair out of my voice.
"That was actually gonna be for when we got home tomorrow, to celebrate getting custody"
"We can have it for both, a two for one cake!" Soda adds, "I'll get candles for it and everything"
"I just..I" I stutter.
Darry puts a hand on my shoulder, rubbing small circles against it and Soda leans against me again. This time I don't pull away from either of them.
"I just feel like I still don't know you that well. But I should! I should know when my brother's birthday is"
"It's not your fault you didn't know Ponyboy. And no one is mad at you for not knowing. If anything, this is on me for not telling you" Darry says, quick to reassure me.
"Yeah that's on us, Pony. But if you want, we can sit down and tell you everything. The whole Curtis family history. We'll tell you everything you want to know, and you tell us all about you, since we all missed out on so more secrets or anything between the Curtis brothers" Soda says, "That sound okay?"
It does. It sounds more than okay. I want to know everything about my brothers, my family. The people I should have grown up knowing.
I nod and lean more into Soda, "That sounds good"
Darry gives my shoulder one more squeeze and then looks at his watch, and sighs loudly.
"I've gotta get to work, are you going to be okay? I can stay if you need me to"
"No, I'm fine"
He raises an eyebrow.
"I really am. I promise" I tell him.
He looks at me scrutinizingly but must believe me because he stands up with a pat on my head and then goes to change for work.
"You want to help me make a special birthday dinner for him tonight?" Soda asks me as Darry leaves the room.
I've had birthdays where no one acknowledged it, no card, no presents. Darry didn't deserve that.
"Yeah, and maybe a card or something too" I add.
"Let me go check the kitchen and see what we've got. I'll make a list of what we'll need"
Soda heads off to the kitchen, making quite a racket for someone who was supposed to be just looking.
Darry comes out dressed for work and hollers a goodbye at Soda in the kitchen. He gives me a pat on the shoulder after gathering all of his things for work.
"Bye kid. Keep an eye on that crazy brother of ours today. Don't let him go too overboard"'
I roll my eyes, "I'll try my best"
Darry leaves with a chuckle, shutting the door quietly behind him.
"Wait, Darry!" I run to catch him, swinging myself out the front door and hanging onto the post on the porch.
He turns, his hand on the truck handle and looks at me.
I smile, "Happy Birthday"
A/N: Ahh so sorry for the long time between updates. This was supposed to come out on January 5th (Darry's birthday) but my nephew ended up being born on that day, so happy birthday to both of them (: Anyways, one month later and now I finally have the chapter out. Thanks for the patience between updates. And thank you, thank you, thank you for all the sweet comments on the last few chapters, your comments literally make my day 3 I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think!