Chapter Twenty-five
Appledusk's scent caught Mapleshade's attention as she pushed through the undergrowth. Her eyes lit up, spotting him in his familiar spot at the base of the Great Rock. This had been their routine for the last several nights.
"I caught you something," Appledusk announced as she neared. He pushed a plump mouse towards her. "Don't worry, I caught it on RiverClan territory."
Mapleshade settled next to him. "How very thoughtful of you." She took a bite from the mouse, purring at the savory meat. "This is one of the best mice I've had in a while. Want a bite?"
When they finished eating, Appledusk padded to the edge of Fourtrees.
"Where are you going?" Mapleshade sat up, licking her lips.
"I want to show you something. Follow me." He flicked his tail, waiting for her. Mapleshade rose to her paws, hesitantly following him deeper into the forest.
It wasn't long before they crossed the scent-markers on RiverClan's border. The fur on the back of her neck bristled, but she didn't say anything at first. It wasn't until they were a little ways into RiverClan's land that she stopped walking. "Where are we going?"
"It's not much further. You'll be fine. Just trust me," Appledusk whispered. He continued forward, crossing the Twoleg bridge. He then turned, heading up the gorge.
As Mapleshade trailed him, she could only imagine what he was up to now. When she agreed to meet up with him, it was under the pretense they'd be meeting up on neutral ground. Now here she was, deep into the heart of RiverClan's territory in the middle of the night. And yet, the little voice in the back of her head that tried to convince her that what she was doing was wrong, that she should feel guilty and ashamed of herself… was silent.
Appledusk paused. "Here we are," he announced, his voice breaking Mapleshade's train of thought.
In front of them, a beautiful willow hung over the edge of the gorge, its branches swaying in the light breeze, the leaves painted silver by the moon's light.
"Wow," Mapleshade breathed.
"Do you like it?"
Mapleshade nodded. "It's beautiful. But I thought you didn't like trees?"
Appledusk parted the branches, allowing Mapleshade to go inside. "I don't like climbing them. Big difference." He lay down in a nest made of reeds and moss at the base of the tree, stretching out.
"You must come here often," Mapleshade remarked, settling down next to him.
"I do. It's peaceful." He rolled onto his back, staring at the branches surrounding them. "This is a good place to think."
Mapleshade copied him. "What do you think about?"
"You." The words left his mouth immediately, their tone as soft as the wind sweeping through the willow's leaves. He turned his head to the side, staring directly into her eyes. "You're always on my mind."
Mapleshade's heart thrummed in her chest. A burning sensation coursed through her, consuming her to the point she had to look away. This was all too vulnerable, too personal. She'd never allowed another cat to speak to her like this before, and here it was, Appledusk of all cats. "You're on my mind, too," she finally confessed.
"But not always?" Appledusk rolled onto his stomach.
"No. I have a life outside of you, you know."
"I know you do. That's why I could never bring myself to be selfish and tell you how I really feel," Appledusk said.
"And how do you feel? I want to know."
"I want you to come live with me in RiverClan. But if I asked you to do that, you'd have to give up everything, and I can't ask you to do that for me. But every day I wish you could." He moved close to her, pressing against her side. His nose touched her shoulder, drawing in her scent.
Mapleshade rolled onto her side. She butted her forehead against his muzzle, a purr rising in her throat. "Come with me back to ThunderClan," she begged, the words leaving her mouth before she could think.
"I can't." Appledusk shook his head.
"Why not? From what you've told me, you don't fit in. You're not happy. I know it would take some time getting used to the change, and there would be challenges along the way, but ThunderClan—"
"They'd never accept me, Mapleshade. We both know that." Appledusk rose to his paws. He moved several paces back, not meeting her gaze. "That's why we can only be together like this."
"This isn't good enough for me." Mapleshade forced out a breath, ears flattened to her skull. Appledusk was right. She knew that. She'd known that from the start. And it wasn't fair. It had never been fair, not just to them, but to every cat in their situation who'd found themselves drawn to someone they shouldn't have been.
"I hate this," she sighed. "I don't… I don't even know what to do at this point. Where do we go from here? We can't keep meeting up in secret for the rest of our lives. That's no way to live. Always looking over our shoulders, paranoid about being found out."
Appledusk didn't say anything.
"Maybe we should put an end to this once and for all." Maybe I was stupid for even doing this in the first place, she thought.
"No," Appledusk finally meowed. "I don't want to end this. But I don't know what we should do."
"I have to go back to camp. It's getting late." Mapleshade brushed past him. Poking her head through the willow's branches, she realized she needed his help guiding her back to Fourtrees.
"Are you mad at me?" Appledusk asked.
"No."
"Then why are you rushing off like you always do when you're upset with me?"
"I just—" Mapleshade tensed, the faint sound of voices hitting her ears. A RiverClan patrol. She shrank back into the protection of the willow, back pressed against the trunk as she waited with bated breath. Appledusk crouched in front of her, trying to mask her scent with his own. To their relief, the patrol passed by without incident.
"Why are they patrolling so late at night?" Appledusk murmured to himself.
"You mean you don't know?"
Appledusk shook his head. "No. Spiketail never calls a patrol this late at night."
"Do you think something's wrong?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe I should head back to camp just in case. I'll take you back as far as the Twoleg bridge. Do you think you'll manage to find the rest of the way back?"
Together, Mapleshade and Appledusk rushed for the bridge. Anxiety coursed through her body, wondering what could possibly have happened back at RiverClan's camp. She longed to go back with him just in case.
"When can I see you again?" she breathed, standing in the middle of the bridge.
"Tomorrow night, just like we've been doing," Appledusk said.
"Alright. Tomorrow night it is."
Appledusk brushed against her, purring slightly. "Don't be so tense, okay? I'm sure everything is fine at camp. So don't worry about me."
Mapleshade's tail flicked. "How'd you know I was worried about you?"
"Because you always get that wide-eyed look on your face whenever you're thinking too much," Appledusk teased. He touched his nose to her forehead. "Really, it's fine. Now get going. And I'll see you tomorrow."
Mapleshade was frozen in place a long while after Appledusk disappeared from her sight. When she finally worked up the energy to get going, there was only one thought in her mind.
She was in love with him.
"I was thinking we'd head towards Snakerocks first. Then we'll cut through one of the dried creek beds, try our luck hunting again, and head back to camp. What do you think?" Mapleshade asked, swallowing the last of her sparrow.
"Are we going to renew the scent markers along ShadowClan's border?" Nettlepaw wondered.
"It wouldn't hurt, but I wasn't planning on it. But we'll see what things are like once we get over there." Mapleshade licked her lips, sitting up. She spent the next several minutes grooming her pelt. "Ready to go?"
Nettlepaw looked past her. Turning her head, Mapleshade's shoulders slumped as Birchface neared them.
"Good morning," he purred.
"Hey." Mapleshade couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye, not after her many late-night meetings with Appledusk. Swallowing back her pride, she lifted her head a little more, trying to act casual. She'd concealed the meetings thus far. She couldn't allow her anxiety to win now.
"Sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation," Birchface meowed, sitting down. "I already asked Mistfeather to take a patrol to Snakerocks. Mind changing your plans and going hunting with me and Flowerpaw instead?"
Nettlepaw's tail shot into the air. "Can we, Mapleshade?"
"I guess. Are you ready to go now?"
Birchface nodded. "Flowerpaw's waiting at the top of the ravine already. Come on."
The forest was cool as the patrol made their way through ThunderClan's territory. A light breeze tousled the undergrowth. Opening her mouth, Mapleshade picked up the scent of a squirrel. It was blowing from the direction of the Treecut Place.
Flowerpaw smelled it too. She looked to Birchface for permission before slipping away. A few heartbeats later, the young she-cat returned, the squirrel clamped firmly in her jaws. She trotted back to Birchface, her head held high. "It didn't even see me coming," she announced.
"Great catch!" Nettlepaw praised.
"Thanks." Flowerpaw puffed her chest out.
"Do you smell anything, Nettlepaw?" Mapleshade questioned him.
Doubt flashed through Nettlepaw's mind, his tail drooping slightly. Closing his eyes, he opened his mouth and waited. Mapleshade waited, wondering whether or not he'd pick up the obvious scent of shrew nearby. It was coming from underneath a fallen branch. To her relief, Nettlepaw dropped into a crouch. He crept across the forest floor. Peering under the branch, Nettlepaw reached his leg out.
To everyone's surprise, Nettlepaw hooked two shrews with his claws. They scrabbled against the ground, squealing. For a second, Mapleshade thought one might get away, but Nettlepaw was quicker.
"Great job, Nettlepaw. I didn't even realize there was more than one," Mapleshade told him.
"The kits are going to be so happy when we get back to camp. Hollykit and Rookkit love shrew!" Flowerpaw purred.
Birchface looked at the sky. "Let's go back to camp. We've got plenty of prey."
Mapleshade stopped walking. "But I haven't even had the chance to catch anything yet."
Birchface stared at her. Turning to Flowerpaw he said, "You and Nettlepaw can go back to camp by yourselves, then. Mapleshade and I are going to stay out a little longer. We won't take too long."
"Are you sure? I wouldn't mind hunting some more. I feel like I could do better than this." Nettlepaw prodded the shrews.
"No, that's good enough. The fresh-kill pile is overflowing this time of year. We don't need any of it going to waste."
"Alright then. See you later, Mapleshade." Nettlepaw dipped his head. Picking up his prey, he chased after Flowerpaw.
As soon as their voices died down, Mapleshade tasted the air again. "I don't smell anything else around here. We'll have to try somewhere else." When she didn't hear Birchface's pawsteps behind her, she turned around.
He sat with his tail curled around his paws. His head was tilted slightly, a genial gleam in his eyes. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"
Mapleshade's claws dug into the ground. "Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong." Birchface came to stand in front of her. He leaned his muzzle out, then shrank back. A look of uncertainty flashed in his eyes. "Look," he began, "I don't know how to even tell you this, but it's something I've wanted to talk to you about for a while now."
Mapleshade's stomach twisted.
"I have feelings for you, Mapleshade. I have for a really long time. I know we've gone through a lot of ups and downs. Most of them have been my fault; I'll be the first cat to admit that. But I care about you deeply. I love having you by my side. And one day, if you want, I'd love to have kits of our own together," Birchface meowed.
The ground under Mapleshade's paws seemed to shake. Head spinning, she dug her claws deeper into the earth, trying to keep herself upright. This couldn't be happening. This… This wasn't possible. This wasn't real.
Staring at Birchface, she waited for her brain to get it together, to realize Birchface hadn't just told her what she thought he'd said. But that realization never came. He'd confessed his feelings to her.
Now he sat there expectantly, waiting for her to tell him she returned his feelings. But the truth was, she didn't.
"This is unexpected," she breathed. "I don't know what to say."
"You can be honest with me. That's all I want," Birchface said.
Honesty.
Mapleshade wasn't sure she knew what that even meant anymore. She was lying to her entire Clan every single night when she slipped away to see Appledusk. She had lied to herself for several seasons, convincing herself that she didn't feel anything for him. She lied to them about Nettlepaw's rescue. Now here she was, face to face with Birchface, forced to tell him the truth here and now.
"I don't feel the same. I'm sorry."
Birchface hung his head. "I thought that might be the case. But I wanted to tell you how I felt anyway."
"I'm really sorry. I wish—"
"You don't have to apologize to me, Mapleshade. You feel how you feel. That's okay. I don't want you to lie to me to make me feel better."
Mapleshade's heart twisted. "I love you as a friend, Birchface. I just…"
"That's okay. At least I have your friendship, even if I can't have your heart. But if you ever change your mind, let me know." He touched his nose to her forehead, breathing in her scent. When he stepped away, his eyes glistened. "I have to go."
She nodded, lowering her head. She couldn't bring herself to look at him anymore. Birchface's scent faded.
Mapleshade sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. Stumbling to her paws, she turned in the opposite direction of camp and instead headed to Fourtrees. It was early yet, but she didn't care. She couldn't face Birchface yet, or any of her Clanmates for that matter.
She wondered if Birchface would tell Goldenmist what happened. Probably. He told her everything. The idea of Goldenmist confronting her about this made Mapleshade want to jump out of her skin. At the same time, she knew she was letting her imagination get the best of her. They were grown warriors. She had every right to reject Birchface, and if that upset anyone, they'd have to deal with it.
Mapleshade lounged around Fourtrees for the rest of the day, feasting on a chaffinch she caught. She couldn't bring herself to feel bad about not feeding the rest of the Clan first. She'd hunt on the way back.
To her surprise, Appledusk arrived earlier than normal. As he looked her over, the excitement faded from his face. "What's wrong?"
Mapleshade absentmindedly batted at an acorn. "I've got a lot on my mind, so I don't think I'm going to be here for very long. But I wanted to come see you at least for a little while."
"Did something happen to one of your Clanmates?"
Mapleshade flicked an ear. "No."
Appledusk sat next to her. Mapleshade leaned her head back, resting it on his hip. "Birchface told me he loves me," she murmured.
"And what did you say?"
"I told him I didn't feel the same way." Mapleshade sat up. Leaning against Appledusk again she said, "He's one of my closest friends, but I've never seen him as anything more than that. Because the truth is, I'm in love with you."
Appledusk licked the top of her head, a faint purr rising in his throat. "I've been waiting for you to say that. I love you too."
"Do you really?" Mapleshade pulled back, looking into his eyes. Appledusk's expression was gentle, welcoming. He touched his nose to hers, the purr in his throat growing louder.
"I do. That's why it hurts to know I can only be with you like this."
"We shouldn't have to be apart. There's nothing wrong with our relationship." Mapleshade leaped to her paws. "I'll join RiverClan for you, Appledusk. It'll be difficult, but I know—"
"No. You can't do that. What about Nettlepaw?" Appledusk shook his head.
Mapleshade grew quiet. Shame pricked through her pelt as she realized how ridiculous she was being.
"We already talked about this once. You need to stay in ThunderClan. But that doesn't mean we can't figure something out in the meantime. We'll continue to meet up exactly like we've been doing. Everything will work itself out. There's no need for you to make an enemy out of the entirety of ThunderClan just for my sake," Appledusk said.
"You're right."
Appledusk nuzzled her. "And who knows, maybe one day something will happen to change the warrior code. Wouldn't that be something?"
Mapleshade didn't respond. She wanted to curl up in her nest and sleep for the next ten seasons. Why did everything have to be so difficult all the time? Why was she never allowed to be happy?
"Why does everything have to be so messed up all the time?" she said aloud, not wanting a genuine answer.
"Everything's going to be okay. I love you, Mapleshade. I'll always be here for you."
Moving away from the main clearing, they settled beneath a larch tree. Curling up by his side, Mapleshade closed her eyes. Appledusk ran his tongue over her cheeks, then down her shoulder.
Unwilling to be torn between two worlds any longer, Mapleshade pushed her duty to ThunderClan out of her mind and gave her unwavering attention to Appledusk for the rest of the night.
A/N: If anyone is interested, my AO3 username is Viperstrike. My user ID is 7720648.
There are so many glitches going on with this website that it's making me nervous. Chapters not showing despite being uploaded days ago, bots spamming the reviews as well as private messages, the document uploader taking out chunks of the text making it unreadable, and so on. This has been going on for a while now and it only seems to be getting worse. I'm worried one day this site is going to collapse for good. For that reason, I'm going to be posting my stories onto AO3 as time goes on for the sake of archiving them. If you like this story or any of my stories for that matter, I want you to know where you can find them again if something were to happen. I just thought I'd put this out there before it's too late.