"Everyone, you're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today," Father of Ultra informed his family - save Marie - as he paced in front of the desk in his office.

"Considering you called all of us out of the blue shouting it was an emergency, yes, we are," his brother, Ultraman Jack, said.

"What's going on, Dad? Have the Absolutians finally began their invasion?" Ultraman Taro escaped.

"If so, it's about time, it kind of feels like we've been waiting for a follow-up on that for years now," his adopted brother Ultraman Ace commented.

"Worse!" Ken declared.

"Has Alien Empera returned again to try and envelop the universe in darkness?" his grandson Ultraman Taiga asked.

"Worse!"

"Has Ultraman Belial returned?" his nephew Ultraseven asked gravely.

"Worse! Also he's already back, sort of," Ken reminded him.

"As am I," Parallel Isotope Tregear said.

"Why are you here again?" a bewildered Ultraman Zero, Ultraseven's son, asked.

"Well, Taro and I were in the middle of something when Captain Father called, and I got curious so came along to see what was going on," Tregear said.

"Wait, what were you and Brother Taro up to-" Ultraman Z, Zero's self-proclaimed disciple started to ask, only to gasp. "Wait! Have you two gotten back together again?!"

"No," Taro said at the same time Tregear said "Yes."

Z squealed. "That's Ultra-incredible! I've Ultra-shipped you for Ultra-ages, I wrote fanfics about the two of you!"

"Wait, there are fanfics?" Taro asked in alarm.

"Trust me, Dad, you don't want to see them," Taiga warned him. "I looked at a few about me and Titas and Fuma, and...yeah, no. Big mistake."

"But aren't the three of you together-" Jack asked.

"They got our dynamic totally wrong!" Taiga whined.

"Everyone, shut up!" Ken shouted. "Also, why's he here?" he inquired, nodding at Z.

"He follows me everywhere and I can't get rid of him," Zero said wearily.

"It's such an Ultra-honor to be here, Grunkle Father! Can I call you that?" Z asked hopefully.

"No," Ken said bluntly.

"Yes, Captain Father," Z mumbled in disappointment.

"Uncle, please tell us what the big emergency is already," Ultraseven pleaded.

Ken took a deep breath. "I'm afraid Marie is leaving me!"

Everyone gasped. "Oh no, not Captain Mother!" Z cried.

"Well, it had to happen eventually, I always knew she'd eventually realize she could do better," Jack said solemnly, earning an indignant stare from his brother.

"Is she finally leaving you for Other Mom? I always thought it was a matter of time," Ace commented.

"What?! No!" Ken protested.

"Wait, I thought Grandma Coesra and Grandma Marie were already a thing," Taiga pointed out.

"Yes, but she thought they broke up before she married Grunkle Ken, and now that she realizes they're still an item they've been going at it even harder than usual," Zero explained. "Also Grauntie Coesra's a catgirl now, so she's utterly irresistible."

Everyone nodded and murmured in agreement.

"Dad, did you try dressing up as a catboy?" Taro suggested.

"Don't be preposterous, he'd never be able to pull off the look," Tregear snorted.

They all tried to picture Ken with car ears and a tail going, "Nya," and promptly shuddered.

"That's Ultra-awful," Z agreed.

"I'm not worried about losing Marie to Coesra!" Ken yelled in exasperation. "After all, that would imply she wasn't always Coesra's to begin with."

Everyone nodded at this.

"I'm worried about losing her to the YOUKALIENS!"

"Ohhhh," everyone said.

"Yeah, that's fair," Taro admitted.

"Damn Youkaliens, taking our woman!" Jack spat.

"At least they aren't taking the men, or as many," Ultraseven pointed out.

"Why is that, dad?" Zero asked.

"Our women are prettier."

They all nodded at this.

"Eh, I've always found women's attractiveness overrated," Tregear said dismissively.

"We know," Taiga said wearily.

"Wait, Captain Father, why would Captain Mother go to the Youkaliens?" Z asked in confusion.

"The Hegemon and her wife have been trying to seduce Marie for quite some time," Ken explained. "They keep calling to show off the other female Ultras they've enslaved, make out with them and each other, tell her how much they love her and want her to join them..."

"Can't she just block their number?" Ace asked sensibly.

"I've pointed that out to her several times, but no matter how much she complains about it, she never does!" Ken cried.

"Ah, I see...subconsciously, she WANTS them to call," Tregear mused.

"Exactly! And if they could turn Coesra into a catgirl to make her sexier, what hope do I have? They have catgirls! CATGIRLS!" Ken wailed.

"Yeah, you're probably screwed," Jack said unhelpfully.

"Surely there must be something we can do," Taiga said. "Some way to remind her how much you love each other..."

"Oh, how about you hold up a boombox outside her window? According to the humans, that's Ultra-romantic, and Haruki did it once or twice to make Nakashima forgive him for something!" Z suggested.

"What's a boombox?" Zero asked.

"...I don't know," Z admitted.

"Actually, that might not be a bad idea, what about a serenade? And we could provide musical backup!" Taiga said excitedly.

"That would require any of us to be able to play an instrument, or have any musical ability whatsoever," Ultraseven pointed out.

"What about my one-Ultra musical autobiography?" Zero protested.

"I stand by my statement," Ultraseven said bluntly.

"Don't worry, Master, I ultra-loved it!" Z insisted.

"You were wearing headphones the whole time!" Zero snapped.

"Look, dad, I understand your concerns, but there's no way mom's going to leave you," Taro said. "She's stayed married to you for thousands of years while also being with Coesra, and just look at all the things you've accomplished! You won the Ultimate Wars! You've led the Inter Galactic Defense Force for millennia! You've been a role model not just for us, but Ultras everywhere! You adopted Ace! You're even Santa Claus!"

"Wait, he's what now?" Z exclaimed in disbelief.

"Oh, yes, every year on Christmas I turn into Santa Claus and deliver presents to children all over the universe that I had my subordinates make in exchange for bonuses," Ken said dismissively. "Just a fun little sidejob."

"...This explains SO. MUCH," Z gasped.

"Maybe if you remind Mom how much you love her, just to be safe?" Ace suggested. "Like, a grand romantic gesture!"

"Oh no, those are awful, they're humiliating and awkward and place an obligation on the one who receives them to reciprocate the giver's feelings or they'll look like a jerk," Tregear said.

"Ah," Taro said. "...On an unrelated note, I need to change our plans for dinner."

Tregear sighed.

"Oh! Grunkle Ken, I just remembered...you beat Alien Empera, right? With the Ultimate Sword?" Zero suddenly recalled.

"Yes?"

"And that sword used to belong to Grauntie Marie, right? Passed down through her family for generations?" Zero continued.

"Yes?"

"Did you ever give it back to her?" Zero asked.

Ken blinked. "What? No, I...wait, was, was I supposed to? She never ASKED for it back..."

"Did she say you could keep it?" Zero prompted.

"I...no, she never...shit, did she EXPECT me to return it?" Ken asked in horror. "Has she been secretly resentful about it all this time? Oh shit, that's why she's allowing herself to be seduced by the Youkaliens, it's been building up for years!"

"I'm not sure about that-" Ultraseven protested.

"I have to give it back to her!" Ken declared.

"No, no, you can't do that!" Jack argued. "You've had it for tens of thousands of years, if you only think to give it back NOW you'll look like a neglectful asshole!"

Tregear nodded. "He's right, if you want to return it to her, you need to make a huge production of it!"

"Wait, I thought you said grand romantic gestures are dumb-" Taro started to say.

"Yes, but this will be hilarious. Captain Daddy, I have just the scheme - I mean, idea!" Tregear volunteered.

"Anything! But don't call me Captain Daddy," Ken said.

"No."

"Marie! Help! HEEEEELP!"

"Ken?!" With a quick apology to Coesra, Marie raced out of her bedroom, almost forgetting to put on her mantle in the process.

"HEEEEEELP" Ken shouted again.

"Ken, I swear, if you lost the remote between the couch cushions again-" Marie complained, only to gasp when she entered the foyer to see what awaited her.

Ken was lying on the ground, mantle shredded, and arrayed around him were what looked like sinister red and black versions of her family, along with Tregear wearing a familiar suit of black armor and what looked like a slightly remodeled Nijikagachi. "Ken?!" Marie cried.

"Ah, Captain Mommy, so glad you've finally come to see my triumph!" Tregear gloated. "As you can see, my renewed romance with your son was but a ruse to further my plans for revenge against the Land of Light!"

"Wait, they were-" Taro started.

"Ssh, play along!" Tregear hissed. "I retrieved parts of Armored Darkness from the Monster Graveyard to grant me power equaling Alien Empera's, which I have used to not only strike down your husband, but transform your family into my dark puppets, the new League of Darkness! Behold, Ultraman Jack Darkness, Ultraseven Darkness, Ultraman Ace Darkness, Ultraman Taro Darkness, Ultraman Taiga Darkness, and Ultraman Zero Darkness! Also Snake Rainbow."

"Roar!" Snake Rainbow said zealously.

"Isn't that a Nijikagachi?" Marie asked doubtfully.

"No, it's Snake Rainbow!" Tregear insisted. "Like Snake Darkness, but rainbowy!"

"...Right," Marie said dubiously.

"Marie! He's too powerful!" Ken gasped. "The sword...you must get the Ultimate Sword!"

"It's right over there," Marie pointed out. "On the mantle behind you."

Everyone glanced at the mantle, where, indeed, the Ultimate Sword was hanging.

"Oh...good!" Ken said awkwardly. "Marie, quickly, get the sword!"

"I'm pretty sure you're closer to it than I am-"

"The swooooord!"

Rolling her eyes, Marie walked past the corrupted Ultras, who made no move to stop her, and picked up the sword. "So, do you want me to give it to you now-"

"No, Marie! I'm too injured! Only you can save us all! Only yoooooouuuu!" Ken wailed.

"...Well, all right then," Marie said, raising the sword in the air. "For the Glory of M78!"

And then, to everyone's astonishment, the sword lit up with a blinding light, and Marie's body began to shine brilliantly as well. She grew five meters taller, her hair flowed down to her waist, her figure grew more muscular and curvaceous, Ultra Horns grew from the side of her head, and all the silver on her body turned to gold.

"Holy shit, since when could Grandma do that?!" Ultraman Taiga Darkness shouted, breaking character.

"This is news to me!" Ultraman Jack Darkness cried.

"Marie...you...you're amazing!" Ken cried.

"Yes, obviously," Marie said as she strutted towards the terrified Tregear, pointing his sword at him. "Now, darling, excuse me while I take care of this-"

"Wait, wait! Stop! None of this was real! It was all a grand deception concocted by myself as a grand romantic gesture from your husband and for my own amusement! Also that's not a real monster over there, it's Z in a costume," Tregear shrieked.

"Yes, I know, it was obvious," Marie said.

"Wha - obvious?!" Tregear cried, indignant.

"I could smell the bodypaint, and Z was an incredibly unconvincing monster," Marie said, bored.

"Awww, really? That's Ultra-disheartening," Z complained, taking off his costume's head.

"You weren't fooled? Not even a little bit?" a disappointed Tregear pleaded.

"No," Marie said flatly.

"It's okay, I found it convincing," Taro promised.

"You're just saying that!" Tregear whined.

"Marie, that's amazing! I didn't know the sword could do that," an astonished Ken said. "Why didn't you tell me when I used it against Empera?"

"It wouldn't have worked for you, it only does that for the women in my family," she explained.

"Oh. But wait, then why didn't you do that during the Ultimate Wars?!" Ken demanded.

"My base power level hadn't reached the point where I could use it like this back then," she explained. "I reached it millennia ago, but I haven't really needed to use the sword so I let you hang onto it until now." She frowned. "So, what exactly was the point of this whole farce?"

"Farce?!" Tregear whined.

"Ken was worried that you were going to leave him for the Youkaliens, so thought something like this would prove how much he still loved you so you wouldn't leave," Jack blurted out. "We all told him it was pointless, of course, but he didn't listen."

"You lying liar!" Ken shouted.

Marie facepalmed. "This is ridiculous. Ken, sweetie, I love you. I'm not going to leave you for the Youkaliens."

"Then you aren't tempted by them in the slightest?" Ken asked hopefully.

"No, I am," she admitted. "But I refuse to be seduced by Kyukogo!...and if I am I promise it won't change anything between us, Coesra's still with me AND her wife despite becoming a Youkalien slave, right?"

"Oh, right," an embarrassed Ken muttered.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of something with Coesra, and I'm eager to try out this new body," Marie said.

"I'm already dressed as Catra!" Coesra, who was indeed wearing Catra cosplay, announced.

"How long have you been there?" Ultraseven asked.

"Yes," she replied.

Marie scooped up Coesra in her arms and carried her back to their room, the Ultrakitty squealing ecstatically.

Everyone else stood around awkwardly.

"So...mission accomplished?" Zero said finally.

"Just as planned!" Tregear announced.

"No it wasn't," Taro said.

"No it wasn't," Tregear admitted.

"Hey guys, can you help me out of this suit? I think the zipper's Ultra-stuck," Z said.

"Ultra-shut up already," an exasperated Ace shouted.