Eighteen years ago

Every day was filled with wonder. The heat on his cheeks was ticklish, and the hurt of his feet nonexistent. The music flowed through his body and it was as if it moved on its own. Bright, white studio lights made the practice room feel like he was dancing on a star, a shining star high up in the sky where even his mother could see him. And then, when the song ended and his movements stopped, she would come up and never leave again. 'I'm sorry, Kazu', she'd say, obviously calling him a loving nickname like that, 'I'm sorry I ever left, I'm sorry you had to be alone for so long!'.

That last part definitely never happened, but dancing was an indescribable bliss nonetheless. The song ended and Kazuna Masunaga found himself laughing to his own silly reflection, an even sillier Kazuna staring back at him from the Bambi's dance practice room mirror. His comically long-but-thin thirteen year old body in the midst of growth ached lightly, yet all the boy felt was the familiar, comfortable rush of performing.

In the portable speaker connected to his phone, the song began again, and as much as he wanted to give it another go (it was still not perfect enough!) his better judgment said it was time to stop. Mr. Atsushi said practicing too much was dangerous, he could get hurt and never be able to dance again.

As he kneeled next to his things, pausing the music, he heard steps near the door. He didn't look up, however, making sure everything was correctly packed in his bag first.

"Are you leaving early today, Kazu?" Tomo's familiar voice made him look up, a huge smile forcing its way up his lips. There he was, fourteen years old yet somehow making the most of that single year difference.

Tomohisa was taller, his face was developing nicely, and his princely manner was taking shape. Everyone couldn't help but talk about the wonderful world-wide star he would become. 'would', always, never 'could'. People quietly agreed to take it as a fact how he was to hit it big in the biz… And Kazuna agreed.

It was so easy to picture, Tomohisa filling the nation's largest venues, all seats occupied with people who knew every line to his songs. Sometimes, usually before going to bed for some reason, Kazuna found himself fantasizing about sharing that grand future with him, leading his own team towards greatness and even, maybe, just maybe, surpassing the other; the scenarios would come without restraint, and as much as he covered his ears or his eyes the images flashed inside his mind. Iit was basically torture, as it made him feel a whirlwind of emotions. Embarrassed, for thinking so intensely of his friend, guilty, for wanting to surpass him, scared for the future.

His eyelids flickered in embarrassment, gaze quickly changing direction. Suddenly he felt really clumsy, and impulsively grabbed his silver bracelet. Lately he made it a habit to do so when next to Tomo.

"Ah, no, I'm staying until… eleven, I think."

"That's two hours from now!" Tomo said, worried.

Kazuna felt his cheeks warm. Must be the exercise, surely. "One hour and a half, to be exact." 'What a stupid thing to say,' he thought. 'He's just worried, why did you correct him?'

Tomohisa looked oblivious to Kazuna's inner turmoil, stepping into the room and closer to the flushed boy.

"Is your brother picking you up?" His hands were in his jacket pockets now, and his eyes examined the known studio in an effort to occupy himself. Kazuna noticed something strange just then. Not too strange, just… Slightly strange.

"Are you okay, Tomo?" He asked, ignoring the question.

"Eh?" Kazu could swear the other's voice had raised an octave. "What do you mean? I'm like I always am." He flashed Kazuna a winning smile. It could have fooled anyone else, but not Kazu.

"What happened?" Again, he ignored Tomo's efforts to cover up whatever was going on.

"It's…" He finally cracked, "you don't have to worry, I was planning to tell you anyway." Tomo let out a giggle and Kazuna relaxed in response, trying to suppress the sudden ego boost he got from 'I was planning to tell you anyway'.

"Good."

"But not right now! I need to prepare. I need to, uh, get my thoughts in order so I don't freak you out." Was Tomohisa nervous? Kazuna found him way more charming this way, instead of his prince-like ways.

Immediately after, he felt his face burn against his will. What charm? He didn't have to think of his friend's charm. That was ridiculous. "Okay, yeah, of course," Kazuna mumbled, strangely conscious of his sweaty palms. Gross.

"Let's get something to eat, and I'll tell you while we wait for whoever will pick you up. You must be starving."

Time went by extremely fast. The memories of that hazy hour would be later treasured like photographs in Kazuna's mind. Walking down the halls looking for the cafeteria, sharing two muffins, one vanilla one chocolate, discussing dreams sitting closely together. Then, they were outside Bambi, sitting on the slope at the end of the entrance stairs. The night was chilly, and both their noses were bright pink. Even enveloped by the somehow sweet early night darkness, illuminated only by Bambi's entrance white lights, its sign some meters to the left, and the faraway street lights, Kazuna could clearly see Tomo's long eyelashes, his flushed cheeks, the tender lines around his nose when he smiled too widely. It would forever be burned in his mind, in his heart.

"Okay, okay, I think I'm ready to tell you now." Tomohisa said. However, his smile turned into a frown in a flash. Kazuna followed, with a worried expression.

"Wh, what is it?" He didn't realize he stuttered. The other boy did.

Before he replied, Tomo awkwardly took off his jacket and handed it to Kazu. "You're freezing! Here, you can have mine."

Funny, Kazuna felt far from cold. He felt burning. "Ah…" Too stunned to reject it, his trembling hands grabbed the piece of clothing. He put it on slowly, unaware of his pacing. His mind was so much of a mess it was silent. "Thank… Thank you, Tomo."

"It would be horrible if you got sick, Kazu," he said, sitting down again. "I would be… devastated. Please, take care of yourself." The earnest way those words left his lips… Kazuna found it painful for some reason. Or maybe scary.

He couldn't find the words for anything tonight.

"I will, I promise."

"Good."

The boys smiled at each other sweetly for a few seconds before Tomohisa's eyes went down, his gaze now over his own hands fidgeting on his knees. He looked incredibly sad, and Kazuna's heart ached.

"Tomohisa…" Kazu whispered, "please, tell me. What happened? Are you hurt?" He asked, unable to contain his worry any longer.

"No, I… I don't know." After a short pause and a long, deep breath, Tomo's eyes turned to the other's once again. "I think…"

Kazuna's heart skipped a beat. No, he thought it stopped completely.

"You, you think?" Why was he so scared? What could Tomohisa possibly say that he was so on edge? There was a dense cloud of smoke on his brain where the answers to this question were supposed to be.

"Kazu, I…"

"You?"

"I think… I think I…"

"You think… you?"

The lights were blurry. The night was cold, and warm, and everything in-between. Kazuna could physically feel his breath every time it escaped his mouth.

"Kazuna, I think I might be gay."

For a solid half a minute, there was nothing but silence. Not the sound of breathing, not the sound of wind, not the sound of nothing. Pure silence.

Then, the world seemed to unpause.

"You… think you're gay?" Kazuna repeated breathlessly, still on edge.

Gay. Homosexual. Men who like other men. Men who fall in love with other men instead of with women.

So Tomo liked men?

For some reason, that didn't ease his heart. It was, in fact, the opposite. It started beating even faster. Faster and louder, so loud he thought Tomohisa could hear it. He had to cross his arms in a silly attempt to steady his chest, he realized his breathing was rapid, irregular. Luckily he could just blame it on the mixture of exercise and the cold. Yeah.

"Yes." Tomohisa mumbled. He was unable to look at his friend, ashamed.

"That's… There is nothing wrong with that!" Kazu nearly shouted. "Nothing has changed! Tomo is still Tomo, that will not change, ever!" He was most definitely shouting now, yet his friend did not stop him. Tomohisa was looking at him now, smiling widely, eyes sparkling with what seemed to be the tiniest of tears.

Without warning, Tomo hugged Kazuna. With all of his fourteen year old might. They were both so close to crying it was almost funny.

"Thank you…" Tomohisa whispered, holding onto Kazuna for dear life.

"...You don't have to thank me." There were still a million questions, of course, but the only one that came to his mind was: "how did you realize it?" In his innocence, Kazuna never questioned if it was an inappropriate thing to ask.

Tomo didn't seem to think so. He let go of him and resumed his silly fidgeting. "Well, that's… another thing, you see."

There it was. Kazu thought it had calmed down for a second when they shared a hug. He thought it was over. His heartbeat started going crazy again (or maybe it never calmed down for real), his vision a little hazy, his palms incredibly and disgustingly sweaty.

"You," he caught himself before saying 'you have to tell me'. "You don't have to answer." He couldn't believe how selfish he was getting. Tomohisa deserved better, this was probably extremely hard for him!

Tomo shook his head, unsure. "It's not that I don't want to, I just…" He laughed, which calmed Kazu.

What a rollercoaster he was being, suddenly on edge, suddenly lonely, suddenly excited. There were so many emotions bubbling inside him that he couldn't help but laugh along. "What? I won't laugh!"

"You're already laughing!"

"Because you're laughing!"

They laughed together for what seemed like an eternity. Kazuna wanted to stay here, right here, forever. Covered, no, bathed in this warmth, next to his best friend, under the light of his eyes, where he seemed to be the only thing reflected in them.

"Okay, okay," Tomo said once he calmed down. "You can't tell anyone. Anyone, not your brother, not anyone in this whole wide world for all eternity. You can't even tell the moon." He was extremely serious, and kind of scared. Kazu found it adorable.

"I promise," he replied, hand over his heart, "I promise to never tell a soul."

"I think I might like Ryuji."