Those memories were warm. Tomohisa's single tear was ice cold. Reality was harsh.
He knew by bringing him up Tomo would react like this. Maybe he didn't expect him to cry, but… why wouldn't he?
Korekuni Ryuji had been dead for about ten and a half years. A short, meaningless span of time for Tomo compared to all that was lost.
Kazuna knew how his friend had grieved, and how much he still did. How much Tomohisa wanted it to have been a dramatic, complex murder case he could solve, with a bad guy to catch, to punish cruelly.
It was nothing like that.
A simple car accident, a stupid, run of the mill fucking accident that could have happened to anyone, and left no space for closure. It was unfair, really.
Ryuji didn't have to go, that was a fact everyone agreed on. It just wasn't supposed to happen, it did not feel natural how he was not here, on this Earth, anymore. And Kazuna was certain it would never feel okay. Maybe most of Bpro dealt with it in their own way, found some kind of peace or got used to the strange sensation of absence.
But not Tomo.
Tomo had yet to even come close to any of those things. He was, willingly, at the bottom of the well; self chained to the darkest pit in a twisted attempt to never forget. Everytime Kazuna saw him, the pain was fresh, brand new. Sometimes it was even worse. The man couldn't stop torturing himself for what happened, he couldn't stop imagining what ifs, he couldn't bring himself to let go of Ryuji.
Kazuna tried to understand. He did understand, for a while. The first year they might as well have been living together, since Kazu feared leaving Tomo alone. It could be dangerous, he thought at the time, and he wasn't off the mark, either.
Tomohisa's spirit was broken to its core. The man was destroyed from the inside, heart torn, feeling lost. 'A part of me died, too,' he said to Kazuna once, nine years ago, after accidentally dropping a glass and getting a small cut on his index finger, 'I feel soulless,' he whispered that time, watching his tiny droplets of blood stain the floor.
And Kazuna stayed. And Kazuna understood.
'This is not about Ryuji anymore!'
Until Kazuna could not be strong enough for the both of them anymore.
He was hurting too. He loved Ryuji too, in his own way. He loved Tomohisa.
He felt deeply alone.
So they fought. Five or six years ago, Kazuna couldn't remember exactly, they fought.
'What?!'
'Yeah, that's right, you psycho,' he spoke only to hurt, releasing nothing but the poison he'd been harboring for years. 'You want this, Tomohisa, you want to stay like this forever because you're too afraid to move on, you became so fucking dependant of him that you don't know who you are without him and that, that is what's driving you fucking insane.'
Kazuna would never forget the rage and sadness within Tomo's eyes that day. 'How could you say that? How can you look at me in the face and say that to me?! You KNOW how much I…'
'YES, how much you loved him, I KNOW', his screams were pained, desperate cries for help, and even at present Kazuna doubted Tomo ever realized that. 'I'm literally, oh my God I'm quite LITERALLY the ONLY one who truly knows, the ONLY ONE who can even come close to understand you, and that's why I'm telling you that this is too fucking much.' His eyes burned, his hands hurt from being so tightly clenched, his heartbeat was too loud and he felt his chest warm, adrenaline coursing through his body in unstoppable currents.
'I… Fuck, I know, Kazuna, I just,' Tomo was a mumbling, crying mess, but Kazuna was way past his breaking point.
'Shut up, and get it together. He's dead,' he said coldly. 'Tomo he's fucking dead. Ryuji is dead. Forever. No amount of grief or self hatred or starving yourself or not cleaning yourself will bring him back. And if you want to see him so badly then have the balls to kill yourself.'
He did not mean that. He could never wish upon Tomohisa's death. He was just a mess. He became a horrible, disgusting mess after holding so much for so long.
For better or worse, his words worked. After he said his (large and venomous) piece, Tomo stayed still for God knows how long (it was definitely a lot). Afterwards, he simply nodded and went to brush his teeth.
From that point onwards, Tomo seemed to be doing okay. As okay as he could. Nobody dared say anything about it, anyway. He went on with his work, he studied hard to become someone dependable, as he was always supposed to do. He seemed fine enough, sure, but Kazuna knew better, and he hated knowing better. He hated knowing it was all a farce.
He hated carrying guilt for it, too. Why did he have to bear this? Why was he suffering from borrowed hurt? He had enough of his own, enough for more than one lifetime. Then why did he not just… disappear from Tomohisa's life? Let him be the empty shell of a man he apparently wanted to be and focus on himself for good.
Simple, he was not able to do so. He just was not able to leave him alone.
He'd stayed. After all the pain they shared, their bond was stronger. If it was the kind of bond and the kind of development Kazuna had hoped for, well, that's another story.
"Tomohisa, look at me."
His hands were as soft as could be as he took Tomo's face and gave it a gentle push upwards. He was reluctant, but finally gave in. Their eyes met for what felt like the first time in years.
"Kazu, I…"
"Listen to me," Kazuna began. "You will get married in a week, right? To our dear Sumisora, nonetheless! And… You and I know the truth. I know the truth about you, I know you love her dearly and I'm sure you will be… extremely happy together…" His voice was delicate. Almost fragile. "But you will never forgive yourself if you don't try at least once."
Tomo straightened his back, taking a deep, shaky breath. Quietly, slowly, he nodded. He didn't say much more. Instead, he caressed Kazuna's cheek with his right hand. He went over his cheek, his jaw, what was visible of his neck below his jacket. It was winter now, and Kazuna was wearing a stylish deep blue jacket over a white dress shirt. Tomohisa's left hand, a little more brave, placed itself on Kazu's thigh. Brown trousers that suit him like a glove. Kazuna was indeed extremely handsome.
It was difficult. Not touching Kazuna, no, God knows Tomohisa wasn't completely innocent of thought. His friend was beautiful, and they had shared many intimate moments throughout their life. Embracing him was not a problem (if anything, the opposite).
The difficult part was letting go. There were so many emotions going through Tomohisa's mind. So many complex, revolting feelings. It was difficult to give into the desires he hid for so long. From everyone, from himself.
He was to marry Sumisora Tsubasa a week from now. A fucking week. Him, a homosexual, virgin man, was to marry the most caring and wonderful woman there could possibly exist because he was certain he could never love another. Because he had to meet the expectations of his family, follow the heavy burden it meant to be him. What a selfish man he was. Selfish and a coward, unable to fight back and love whomever he pleased. Unable to free Tsubasa who, having loved enough for both of them for almost four years, grew tired of the obvious lack of interest, but was so beautifully kind that couldn't bring herself to abandon who was once her prince.
And now, he was stroking another man's thigh in what would probably be his- rather, their master bedroom. He didn't know what was stronger, the feeling of disgust with himself or the growing, powerful heat at the bottom of his stomach.
"I've never…" Tomo whispered.
"I know." Kazuna said, almost giggling. "When will you understand? I know everything."
It was now Kazu's turn to touch the other. Through meek touches and light strokes he took the upper hand. He teased Tomohisa until he felt his hands tremble against his own skin. It was way cuter than he could ever imagine.
When his fingertips touched Tomo's growing bulge ever so slightly, a moan escaped the prince's lips as he recoiled instinctively.
He was about to say something when Kazuna placed his index finger over his mouth. Then, he shook his head a little before lowering both his gaze and his right hand. His touch was both sweet and firm over the fabric, sending static shivers up Tomohisa's spine.
Tomohisa felt powerless.
But the pleasure was much more intense.
The initial shock was soon replaced with the intense pleasure of being touched. Being touched by a man. Being touched by a man he loved. It was all so warm, and that warmth not only multiplied by the second but spread through his thighs like a forest fire. Soon, he was joining in.
Clumsily, his desperate fingers ran up and down Kazuna's chest, still dressed. One or two buttons had come undone, revealing the sexy skin underneath. It was exhilarating.
Kazu seemed to notice, because he let out a laugh and instructed him to get properly on the bed, back against the headboard and legs stretched out. Before joining him, Kazuna took off his jacket and his pants. The silence was not so uncomfortable as it was desperate. Tomo didn't realize how loud his breath was, making him sound kind of like a hungry dog.
Once he got rid of most of his clothes, Kazuna sat on top of his lifelong crush. He'd dreamed way too many times of straddling him like this, but never actually thought it possible.
"I figured you might want to take this off yourself."
Kazuna was so hot.
Tomohisa's fingers, now rowdy with need, ran over the poor dress shirt with desire.
One by one the buttons on Kazuna's shirt came undone. As more and more skin appeared before him, Tomohisa felt his worries melt. His fears, his family's expectations, Tsubasa's growing resentment. Things that were important to him suddenly fell to the background and now the only thing present was Masunaga Kazuna.
He buried his head as much as he could into Kazu's chest, breathing erratically.
"You smell so good, Kazu…" His voice was deep, hungry.
For a while, neither of them spoke. The only sounds in that room were their sighs, their soft moans, the hustle of fabric, and laughs. Giggles. Innocent, juvenile giggles like two teenagers discovering their bodies for the first time. Tomo's eyes were wide open, taking in every inch of skin he could lay his gaze upon. Once he felt brave enough, he started kissing softly wherever he pleased.
Feeling his partner's newfound bravado, Kazuna guided Tomo's hands lower, resting them over his hips. Tomohisa, now lost in this dream (he couldn't call it anything but), explored to his heart's content. Kazu's hips, thighs, lower back, waist, chest.
Kazuna's skin was beyond perfect, Tomo thought, feeling suddenly overly conscious of his own. He touched and caressed him with the perfect mix of adoration and desire. Innocent curiosity and mature lust.
The best part, however, was finding new spots to make the other moan. Kazu's sounds- oh God, his sounds. Hearing him like this, sighs filled with wanton, moans filled with need. It was addictive. Tomo kissed every part he could reach until his lips were flushed pink.
Suddenly, his head moved against his will. Kazuna forced him to look up at him.
"Enough. This is torture, Tomo," he whispered.
He finally, finally, finally kissed him.
Their lips touched, softly at first. That was merely the sparkle that lit the fireworks.
To Kazuna's surprise, Tomo sloppily deepened the kiss. He may not have known what he was doing but he wanted to do it, and that's all that mattered. He wanted to kiss Kazuna so hard it hurt. His first kiss, his first real kiss. Finally.
After that, they were both lost.
They kissed until their cocks were nearly bursting. It didn't take that long, either. Kazu took the lead and held them together, savoring Tomo's low, raspy moans. Although he was pleasuring them both at once, he could feel the satisfaction from his own hand was nowhere near as intense as the raw pleasure that came from watching Tomo's head jerk back and feel him spasm under him.
Before the other man could climax, Kazuna stopped. He needed this, he needed to be selfish once in his fucking life. He wanted them to do it, to do it hard.
Of course, he would never traumatize poor Tomohisa by making him bottom on his first time ever, that would be not only cruel but unpleasant for everyone. No, he knew what he had to do, he came here knowing that if he succeeded this is what he had to do. And he wanted it so, so bad.
Supporting himself with his left hand, his right hand started spreading his own entrance. His face, ridiculously close to Tomo's, twisted in slight discomfort.
"Wait, Kazu, you don't have to,"
"Shut up," he whispered, slowly feeling the pleasure spread from his pelvis to his navel. "You have no idea how much I want you inside me, Tomohisa." He was on top of the love of his life with two fingers up his ass, there was really no reason left to keep his mouth shut.
Tomohisa could feel himself rock hard.
"Can I…?" He didn't need to finish. Kazu took one of his hands and pushed one of Tomo's fingers inside. It was cold, it was foreign, it was amazing.
"I'm sure…" Kazuna said, trying to steady his breath, "you can figure it out." He laughed breathlessly.
Gulping down his nervousness, Tomo started to shyly feel around. It didn't take long (call it luck, fate or instinct) for him to find Kazuna's delicious spot. It was like something clicked then. Something inside of Tomo fell into place and suddenly everything was real. Not a dream anymore but reality. Harsh, unfair, fucked-up reality, and it was heavenly.
He felt his body move on its own. His hand kept working, carefully but forcefully rubbing Kazuna's insides, looking for every part that got him a nice reaction. His mouth started kissing and biting Kazuna's chest, neck, shoulder- whatever he could reach. His free hand was now caressing Kazu's thigh. He wanted to feel everything, and feel it together.
Once it was enough, Kazuna lowered himself slowly. He felt every centimeter of Tomohisa's dick enter him, and he was certain Tomo felt it too.
Kazu was fully bare.
Not only in the physical sense, fully naked and fully visible to Tomo; his soul was bare. Tears rolled down his cheeks and a goofy smile formed on his lips. He was so happy.
"I'm happy, too," Tomo whispered.
What? "Did I… say that out loud…?" The other whispered back.
Tomohisa smiled as he nodded, hugging him with such care that Kazuna felt more tears falling. He didn't realize Tomo was crying, too.
The emotions were intense. This small moment of rationality within unstoppable passion brought unwanted thoughts. Thoughts of regret, memories he considered long forgotten. It brought the image of him. What would have happened if he confessed? How different would life be? Would he have been able to be like this with Ryuji, too?
Kazuna couldn't read his mind, so it was probably luck that he pulled away just enough to grab Tomo's face right then.
"I don't need to guide you anymore, do I?" He laughed.
That's right. It didn't matter. None of those thoughts mattered right now. The only thing on his mind should be the man in front of him, on top of him. The man he was buried to the hilt into and who was giving him the grandest pleasure of his life.
Tomo shook his head and started moving. It was purely instinctive, of course, but it wasn't all that bad. He was being careful, he was being his usual kind, princely self and thinking about Kazuna's well being.
That lasted for about a minute.
When Kazu himself started moving alongside him, it was a total loss. The warmth turned into flames. Pleasure into hunger. Desire into lust.
His movements turned animalistic, and he didn't know how but he pushed Kazuna down onto the mattress, taking out his dick only to place himself more comfortably between Kazu's legs and thrust with all his newfound strength. He made Kazuna cry out in ecstasy, and guided by that heavenly sound he thrusted again. And again. And again.
"Tomo, just like that, oh my God," whatever raunchy nonsense Kazuna was moaning, Tomo found it arousing to the point of intoxication.
"You're so beautiful, Kazuna," his voice was trembling with excitement, so low it almost got lost amidst the sounds of skin slapping skin. "You're so, so beautiful. So beautiful."
Kazu felt Tomo's right hand on his waist, bringing him as close as possible, helping him reach his deepest parts. It was driving him mad with wanton. How long it really went on for neither knew nor cared, it was perfect. Their fingers intertwined, Tomo pressing Kazuna violently against the bed with each thrust but never letting go.
When Kazuna felt the climax close, he hugged Tomo with his legs, keeping him in place. He needed this. In turn, Tomohisa let go of one of Kazu's hands to cup his face and kiss him. They finished at the same time, bodies smashed together in a tight embrace, kissing ferociously.
Kazuna swore he could see stars, and they were strangely familiar.