Moonlighting: "The Real Fourth."
Prologued…Cause it's been a while.
" Hi, I'm Maddie Hayes-Addison and he needs no introduction but desperately wants one, the amazing David Addison…" lovely elderly Madeleine in dress beams at us, bald David, casual but surprisingly elegant, frowning a bit, " this is her idea" clear on his scuffly bearded face. " And yes we are back… or really never left. And no , we are not Cybill and Bruce trying for a reunion comeback on Netflix or whatever. We are the real deal, the actual detective and romantic team whose fictional exploits and sexual chemistry America used to live for on Tuesday nights." Eager smile.
"A little while back…" slight sigh.
"The kids aren't gonna love that sexual chemistry stuff." David sighs.
"The grandkids will. The kids are too stuffy. How's they ever get that way with
free spirits like us for parents?" Maddie sighed.
David eyeing us…Free spirits? You believe this?
And if you do, you need to watch the series…Which is great as we get residuals as advisers, he nods.
And assistant writers on a couple of episodes…
"Personally I think it's reverse menopause…" he notes to us, aside. "But it's been working for you, so can it." Maddie offers glare.
True enough, nod from him to us, grin.
"Anyway, I'm the real Maddie Hayes, Blue Moon shampoo girl among other things, and he and I really are detectives-yes, I think it's obvious we got married…" Maddie notes, unable to repress fond smile at David.
"Or did we?" David grins.
"David? We agreed we wouldn't drag it out and torment them like the series did." Maddie frowns. "We're married. Yes, kids. Grandkids. The whole kibboodle."
"Like 99 on 'Get Smart' after she married Max, she's picked up a few of my traits. 'Kibboodle'?" he eyes her look.
"Anyway. The living in sin thing is great, but with kids, you can't buy large economy size. Doesn't work when you have two places." David notes.
"That's it? That's why you married me?" Maddie glares. Clearly a mock glare…
"And you're good at coupon clipping." He notes.
"We've still got it, huh?" She beams. "Like Tracy and Hepburn. Bogie and Bacall. Nick and Nora."
"Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny." David notes. "And you know who Bugs is?" Grin to us.
"Eh…You're lucky I agreed to this…If you didn't need more exercise for your age onset diabetes…" she frowns.
"So we stoop to old age jokes… All centered on me?" He eyes her.
"Well, I'm immortally beautiful, like Helen Mirren, but with the zest and delight of Bonnie Bartlett Daniels." She beams. "Whereas you…" eloquently eyes balding head.
Uh huh. "Alzheimer's." He twiddles finger by side of head.
"I'll let that go cause I did the diabetes thing. And I love you." She notes.
"Took you long enough to tell America." He shrugs. "But I'll take it."
( moonlighting theme plays)
"Oh, I love that theme." Maddie fondly. "For our twenty-fifth, David actually got Mr. Jarreau to sing it at our house for the whole family."
"Not as much fun as our fifth when we got drunk and sang it at that karaoke bar together." He notes. "You should've seen her belt, draped over the piano, missing every other word on the big board."
"You sang it with Cybill Shepherd." Grim tone. "I was at the table trying to hide."
"No…That was you, we got on video. Cybill can't sing like that. She's actually pretty good."
"Hey?!"
"I don't claim to be better but gotta call em as I see em."
"When we really did that adventure in the old nightclub I sang on the stage. " she frowns. "The 'Moonlighting' writers changed the story some to do those black and white dream stories, but they had Orson Welles hosting…" sheepish look.
"And who argues with Orson?" David notes.
"But we were solving where the nightclub owner's uncle had put the week's payroll when he was murdered since the killers confessed they never found the money." She notes. "That poor misled woman and that evil trumpet player."
"C'mon. She pushed that schnook of a trumpet player to do it." David insists. "What, now you excuse murder as a form of divorce ala ole Arnold 'consider that a divorce'? Remind me to watch my back next time that cute pizza boy stops by and we're having a good argument."
"You…" glare. "We agreed to disagree." She frowns. "Anyway to get in the mood and spirit of the case I sang on the stage, in a dress, Rita the singer/wife/murderess used to wear. But I sang ' Skylark', her signature piece, not 'Blue Moon'. 'You saw me standin' alone, without a dream in my heart'…What?" She eyed him.
" Fine, yes. Good as Shepherd." He sighs.
"Thank you." Pause. Eyeing carefully.
"What?" He stares.
"Then or now?"
"Maddie…"
"Well?"
"I've not heard Cybill sing since then, so…"
"Really?" Smile.
"I'm sorry if that's somehow agist if they don't give her a lot of singing roles at 75."
" David?!"
" Hey, no one's asking me to blow a few tunes on trumpet these days." He points out.
"You were great then. Better than Mr. Willis." Fond beam. " And we did solve thst case and found the lost money."
"Helped that they had started to demolish the place, Holmes, though we were brilliant in our sleuthing." Puts up hand.
Yeah…Maddie, slyly beaming. He called me 'Holmes'. Every now and then he slips in a compliment now.
Worries me sometimes…He doesn't feel sorry for me? That I need to be braced up?
No sirree, Bob…David. Maddie Hayes-Addison ain't no frail flower. Though it is nice.
"You can call him Bruce you know… I won't get jealous. We were friends." David.
"Eh, I prefer to call him Mr .Willis." She shrugs. Slight high-minded look…
Look, he was drunk, I was a little plastered. All we did was kiss. He thought I was Cybill and at that time…
They weren't fighting that much.
And of course, I thought he was David.
Hey, I did…Glare at camera.
"Ok, fine but I'll still call her…" David continues, interrupting her train of embarrassed thought.
"You better not."
It's not just deflection. I am a little jealous. Not that he ever…Fond smile to us.
Yes, he never…Ever… Yes, David Addison…C'mon, you knew he had it in him if he met the right woman, me.
"'I better not'? What the hell does that mean? Madeleine the woman is 75."
"And I'm 78. And more to the point, you're 77."
Mmmn…he grinned.
"Ok…" fume. "I'm seventy-nine. Now what were we talking about?"
"See…" he eyes us.
"You got me confused. I dont have Alzheimer's." Hurt look. "It's mean of you to say that, especially when they haven't been around in years." Indicating audience watching.
"All right, I'm sorry. Apologies to you and the fourth dimension."
"Wall. It's called the fourth wall."
"Whatever."
" David. They'll think we weren't semiprofessionals in the business. We helped write six episodes. The six best in my opinion, and we advised on the whole series, it being, mostly, our story." She notes proudly.
"Until, of course…" she begins, he sighing. Yeah.
"Season four." In unison.
Oh… slight moan from behind the video camera filming.
"Oh, Agnes, it's ok." Maddie calls. "We're explaining it all now."
"Yes, Maddie." Female voice. "But that was Herbert."
"Well, it's ok, Bert." Maddie calls.
" Episode S4E1 wasn't bad." Voice of Agnes Viola, née Dipesto.
" Well, they still mostly stuck to our story on that one." Maddie notes.
"Partly…" As David eyes her.
"Ms. Hayes-Addison? Maddie?" Voice of Herbert Viola. "I have to ask…It's plagued me since the show folded…"
"Herbert, we've been partners in the firm since 1990, you can call me Maddie."
"I know, it's just instinctive when we're on camera or operating camera. But what I wanted to ask was, at the end of season three…Did you and Mr. Addison…."
"David." Agnes corrects. Hey, we put in our hours to be equals here. Full partners.
"Sorry, sweetness. David. Did you and he…Really…?"
"Sure we did it. I got pregnant, remember?" Maddie, sighing.
"Oh, yes, sure, but what I was referring to, was…"
"Yeah, we did it in her car, not a big deal, Bert. You and Agnes first did it on a desk, right?" David notes.
"Oh, boy, did we." Agnes, fondly. Peeping out from behind camera. The same ole Agnes, identical to the character played by Ms. Beasley, just graying. A bit more sedate dress/long sweater thing.
" Yes, but what I meant to ask was…Did you really roll backwards down that hill?" Herbert Viola at 69, in grey casual suit. Hair mostly intact, if grey, beard still scruffy. "Agnes and I were on assignment, from the office."
"Our first together!" Agnes beams. "Officially. Not one I stole."
"Oh, that…" Maddie. A bit sheepish.
"Was it just cinematic license…?" Herbert asks. "The magic of television?"
"Herbert, Maddie wound up in the hospital for a month." Agnes points out.
"But she and Mr…David said…They told everyone in the office…"
"But I tole you…" Agnes frowns. "Ms. Hayes' and Mr. Addison's lips then were sealed. So, you come to your girl/missus for the true honest spiel. Her heartfelt appeal always gets the real deal."
Sorry, I'm a bit rusty, she notes to us.
"Well…No, we did roll. Backwards. Down a hill." Maddie replies. "Just lucky we weren't killed."
"It is, however, boy and girl and whatever you folks out there are, how I found out what was bothering her even more than the ambiguity…" David smiling. "…in our relationship. Which had been going on a bit longer than the episode suggested at that time."
Cut to 1982…The real deal not the series…Maddie's car rolling down an LA hill backwards.
"It's perfffecttlly ssssafffe…" younger Maddie's voice crying.
"I think we're moving!" She cried. "David?!"
"The earth sure is!" Younger David cried.
"No, David! The car…It's moving!"
"Uh, boy!"
"David, save us!"
"Howl!"
"I'm kidding…Don't I always, except for the funny ones when you.. ." calling as he desperately clambered over the front seat grabbing the steering wheel.
"No! Us! I lied!" Desperate howl. "We weren't safe! Oh, I really didn't mean to tell you like this!"
…
"Nice way to find out you're a dad." Older David noted to camera in present.
"I couldn't just say it. Right out. Till I had to." Maddie sighs.
"Wow. I mean you told me the story many times…" Agnes' voice from behind the video camera.
"Wait? What?" Burt's voice. "You never told me?"
"Wasn't my secret to tell." Agnes notes.
"Though I think the moonlighting people were crazy not to follow that story." Firm tone.
"Sexual chemistry, Aggie." David notes. "Glenn and his writers were sure having us pregnant and on the chapel path would kill it."
"But, after crashing us as safely as he could and pull me out of the wreckage and praying to God that I'd come out of my coma …And say I'd been joking or mistaken…"
"I never said that." David, a bit indignant.
"I know. But I'd expected it." she beamed.
…
Writers room, ABC studios….
Summer 1988…
Merry peals of laughter throughout the room…
…or, as the real-life, younger Maddie Hayes, seated with a 1988 David, and still recovering from her second pregnancy would put it, dimwitted sniggers followed by asinine guffaws.
"You want Maddie and David to get married and have a kid…Kids?" Loud laughter…
"Are you two nuts?!" writer cries.
"No…We just happen to be the real deal, you chumps." David, annoyed. "C'mon, Maddie. We can take our ideas to NBC."
"But David…?" She hisses.
"Act like we're stompin' out. Negotiations." He hisses.
"Not too fast. I still can barely walk." She whispers, putting on stern, uncompromising expression as she follows David to the main door.
"What?!" the head writer fumes. "You have a con…" Nervous staffer waves frantically…Shaking head.
No contract? No non-disclosure clause?
"Sir, we thought it would be cheaper to pay them as contractors. They never signed a contract." Hiss.
S-T. Damn, can't say that on TV.
Whatever we do, do not let them speak to the press, go after them, the head writer notes to another more senior flunkey who nods, but hesitates…
"What, is this, scruples? In television production?" the head writer eyes the kid.
"No, sir. Certainly not. But…We have been having problems with the fourth season to date."
"Problems are for those with small minds and people with scruples, kid. You're not suggesting….?" Hard stare.
"Sir, if Willis doesn't recover from his 'clavicle break'…And Shepherd from her 'twins'…In time. Or ever, especially if Willis gets that movie deal. Also…"
"Yeah, yeah…And mostly from trying to kill each other. It's the side effects of promoting so much chemistry."
"Yes, sir. But unless we plan to devote this season to Agnes and Viola and Viola's never-ending battle with Magillicuddy…We need backup replacements, just in case."
"Did you hear their ideas? Hayes and Addison happily married?! They have a kid?! They still solve crimes, and will bring the kid along sometimes?!" Arggh!
I can feel the sexual tension oozing out of our relationship, like air out of a punctured football, one staffer hisses to another.
I can't believe they're the real Hayes and Addison…The other hisses back.
But they're physically identical to ours? And, we got everything from them…The story about how Maddie lost everything but the agency tax write off, David persuading her to make a go of it, the banter, the sexual tension, the weak detective plots, Addison's immaturity, her longing to be immature…? The first notes. Agnes, Herbert, Magillicuddy and the office folks. The better villains from their case files…
"But they're happy. And still together after several years. Married." The other shakes head. "That can't be physically possible, can it?"
"Guess what?" the head writer surprises them, overhearing. "While we do the season as planned, you two idiots get to see if it can. I want stories for back-up. Filmed with them. Let em do as they please, whatever happy drivel they come up with about their relationship. We'll edit what you get to fit into the Maddie-David standoff match we've created, in case Willis becomes an action star and Shepherd likes being mommy too much."
…
"So these two network bozos come chasing after us to say Glenn and co had a change of heart…" present day older David notes.
"Not that we believed them." Maddie, smiling with gleam. "Especially since we'd bugged the studio."
"Hey, it's our family and personas at stake here." David shrugs. "But that how the real season four came to be."
"Well, Season four as it should have been, but has never been shown on American TV." Maddie notes. "We made secret recordings of all the video tapes."
"And it was incredibly popular in South Korea and we suspect, North Korea as well." David points out. "So, without further prologued prologue….Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…" grin.
"Our season four…"