Notes:
sorry for the short chapter ();;;
Tomohisa's fingers gently twirled the tips of Kazuna's hair, embracing his lover's waist with his other hand.
Kazuna smiled softly, meeting the taller man's gaze as they lay next to each other on Tomohisa's bed. His face still flushed and a refreshing soreness overtook his body.
The sun had completely set and now beams of moonlight filtered through the curtains.
"Will you tell me now?" Tomohisa spoke up first, "About what's been bothering you today."
Kazuna maintained eye contact with Tomohisa for a few seconds before scooting closer to the white haired man and embracing him. Kazuna's cheek pressed against Tomohisa's chest, able to hear Tomo's steady heart beat.
"I've been debating with myself about whether or not to tell you about what happened when I was younger…" Kazuna's voice was soft, not looking into Tomohisa's eyes so his resolve wouldn't waver, "It's probably not important but… My heart feels uneasy not telling you…"
Tomohisa's fingers stopped playing with Kazuna's hair, raising the shorter mans chin to look up at him, "Anything that is to do with Kazu, will always be important to me. No matter what it is, knowing more about the one I love makes me happy."
Kazuna's bottom lip pulsed, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill out, "Stop, you're going to make me cry…" he hid his face in the pillow.
"That wasn't my intention… I'm sorry, will you please tell me…" Tomohisa's hand gently stroked Kazuna's hair.
Kazuna looked at Tomohisa out of the corner of his eye.
Tomohisa gave him a reassuring smile, "Please…"
The blond hesitated for a second before taking a deep breath, "All…. All right…"
"... When I was in middle school, my mom went missing. It was in the summer of my first year."
Kazuna turned to lay on his side again, his hand taking Tomohisa's and interlocking their fingers, "I didn't know why she suddenly disappeared, no one really told me anything. My dad kept telling me she was away on a business trip and was too busy to call. My grandmother seemed like she knew something, but my Dad would always stop her before she actually told me anything."
Tomohisa's grip on Kazuna's hand tightened slightly as Kazuna continued.
"Going into my second year, rumors had spread around the parents that lived near us and the kids had also started to spread the rumors they'd heard their parents muttering. It was anything from she'd left my dad for another man to my dad was abusing her and she'd gotten tired of it… It felt so… so suffocating. Everyone talked as if they knew exactly the kind of people my parents were. They were kind to me out of pity but judged everything I did, as if I was reflecting the kind of person my dad was."
Kazuna took another deep breath, resting his forehead against Tomohisa's chest again, "One of the teachers called my Dad, they were worried I was being bullied and my dad found out about all the rumors. He didn't get mad, instead he apologized to me for not being a stronger father. 'Why aren't you mad? All these people who don't even know you are spreading these rumors.' I couldn't bring myself to ask him that at the time. I didn't want to trouble him. He's been judged by so many strangers, I thought maybe being judged by his son wouldn't make things any better."
"We moved and I was transferred to a different middle school. That's where I met Momotaro and Yuuta, and later on Ryuuji and Mikado. That's when I think, I started to enjoy going to school again. I worked hard on my studies so my dad wouldn't worry about me. He'd been having depressive episodes every now and then so I didn't want to add to what he was feeling. I wanted to help him but that was difficult because I didn't really understand what he was going through. I never asked and by the time I was in high school I more or less understood but I felt too awkward to bring it up…"
Tomohisa's thumb softly rubbed Kazuna's hand that was interlocked with his.
"I always wonder… 'What if I had asked?'...'What if I had been a bit more expressive of my worries?'... What if I had asked him to come upstairs and sleep instead of leaving him alone in the living room every night…"
Kazuna's voice quivered, he could feel the tears about to spill out.
"At the time… I had someone who was.. important to me… Not in the sense of how much I cherish Momotaro or Yuuta… Someone who-"
"Made your heart race?" Tomohisa's eyes never wavered as they met with Kazuna's. Their softness was mixed the sadness and worry he held over his lover. He knew Kazuna would try and word it was vaguely was possible. "It's okay… You can tell me everything…" Tomohisa released Kazuna's hand, wiping away some of the tears that escaped his eyes.
Kazuna closed his eyes, hugging Tomohisa tightly, finally letting his tears fall. "I'm sorry…."
Tomohisa's hand gently stroked Kazuna's hair, comforting the smaller frame in his arms. "It's all right… You don't have to apologize for anything, you don't have to be scared, I will always be here beside you..."
As much as Tomohisa wanted to listen to everything Kazuna had to say, he didn't want Kazuna to relive the bad memories that still brought him pain.
But Kazuna had made his resolve, the reassuring embrace of his lover, the warm hands that caressed him as if he were the most fragile piece of glass. Everything about Tomohisa made him feel safe and loved.
Taking a deep breath once more, never pulling away from Tomohisa's embrace he finished his story.
Kazuna's father had, in a sense, died of loneliness. Even though Kazuna was there with him everyday and conversed with him once in a while he had withdrawn from the world. As each day passed the psychological issues became physically visible. No matter how much Kazuna or his Grandmother begged, his father refused to seek help. The guilt that still lingered within Kazuna was evident, if he had been more assertive, more forceful in taking his father to get help. Maybe he would still be alive.
What could Tomohisa offer? What could he say to comfort his lover who'd always kept this pain inside himself. Alone and pretending as if it never happened. His embrace tightened.
The reason it had been so difficult for Kazuna to open up to him was because the first and only time he'd done so was with the previous person who'd occupied his heart.
"I'm not upset with that person or anything… If someone had poured all their anxieties out to me wouldn't have know what to do or even say. Not everyone knows how to handle those situations, I know that now they're able to respond to those kind of feelings… and that makes me happy." Kazuna's eyes were red and puffy from crying but the sincerity of his smile still shown, "Besides, if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't be here like this today…"
Tomohisa's eyes slightly closed as he gazed at Kazuna's tear full ones. "You're right but…."
"'But'?"
"It makes me upset that someone ignored your pained feelings…"
Kazuna's face grew bright red as Tomohisa embraced him tighter than he's ever felt before. "T.. Tomohisa…" A smile spread across his face as a soft laugh escaped him. "Tomohisa…"
"Hm.." Tomohisa responded, not releasing his embrace.
"Can I see you face?"
Tomohisa lifted his face from the crook of Kazuna's neck.
Kazuna's hand cupped Tomohisa's cheek, his fingers brushing his hair behind his ear, "Even though everything that happened in the past is painful… It was because of it that I am who I am today. You fell in love with me because of who I am and I fell in love with you because of who you are. Right now… being here with you I'm the happiest I've ever been. I use to feel that I didn't deserve to stand beside you because of all these insecure feelings that didn't let me move on… I know that you won't leave me.. I'll still be a bit insecure and ask you to tell me you love me but…."
Kazuna's eyes glistened, tears welling up once again, "There's no one else I can imagine spending my life with.. I want to wake up with you, go grocery shopping with you, stay up late watching TV with you on our days off… I want to do all of that an anything else possible with you.. The one who's accepted me for who I am with all the good and the bad… I… I'm still not sure about the marriage stuff… but I really did mean it when I said I wanted to be a family with you…."
A blush tinted Tomohisa's cheeks, his smile widening as he touched his forehead to Kazuna's, "Kazu… how is it that I fall more in love with you everyday…."
Kazuna blushed caught off guard by Tomohisa's words, "T-tomohisa... "
"There no one else I can imagine holding in my arms like this… You're the only one I will ever love. You're the only one who can make my heart race like this..." Tomohisa brought Kazuna's hand to touch his chest.
Kazuna smiled tenderly, "How can you say these kind of things so easily."
"It's because it's Kazu that I can."
Tomohisa showered Kazuna's face with kisses making his lover laugh wholeheartedly.