click
"Hi. This is Ikari Shinji, right?"
...
"You probably don't know who I am. My name is Horaki Hikari. I was your former class representative class before you were… pulled. You seemed like a nice boy."
…
"I'm, uh, I'm here about Toji. I heard about what happened from your guardian."
…
"The past five days have been… hard for us. I couldn't believe it when I heard an Angel took over Toji's Eva on his first day. It couldn't have been easy for you, having to fight him. NERV is…"
…
"The money is good. It'll probably get Nozomi all the way to university, haha… Toji definitely kept his promise. We're going to be fine. His father isn't right now. Not even my dad feels safe leaving him alone. We go over there every day to check up on him. It's a nice distraction."
…
"I know you didn't have a choice. You did what you had to, but it's tough for us. Toji was my boyfriend, he was a good person. Kensuke's kept himself shut at home, probably playing with his toys, and… I'm having a hard time too. Even this is probably too much for me, honestly."
…
"Don't call back. Whatever you do, I hope you never call back or come to school. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself if I saw you. NERV seems to take more and more, first Sakura, the world's money, Toji... I feel sorry for you too, having to fight those monsters. But I hate you. If I never see your face again, my life would be better. I saw Kensuke's camera in the trash, I guess he feels the same way."
…
"Have a good day. Good bye."
The message ended. Shinji put the phone back in the receiver, letting out a sigh.
"She hates me. I don't blame her, I hate myself too."
He skulked back to his room still clad in his purple shirt and black pants. He sat on his bed, unable to keep his mind off of the message and the Fourth Child. He gripped both sides of his head, trying to banish the boy and the guilt from his mind, but both crept back whenever he made headway. If he cried, then he would have some release from the pain he felt. But Shinji hadn't cried. Not even when he knew Misato was safe, or when he received a dressing down from the Sub-Commander.
His father refused to see him, as per usual. The Sub-Commander lectured him on his disobedience, how his lack of discipline and childishness nearly doomed the world. He argued against her, pointing out how she lied to him about Misato's injuries.
"I lied to get you to act. You needed to defend yourself from the monster, which you did. YOU went overboard in killing him. Your hands. Think on that."
Shinji didn't have an answer for that retort. Because it was true. In his fit of rage he killed Toji. He had no one to blame but himself. The shame was so overwhelming, Shinji hadn't dare to see Misato at the hospital. She made a fast recovery and was home after a day, but they avoided each other. Or rather, he avoided her. He didn't deserve to see her, not after what he had done in her name.
She was so much better, deserved better. He was nothing compared to her. If Shinji were a good person, he would be crying over the death of a human being.
"The tears won't come though." He said to no one. "I can't bring myself to do it. I feel sick."
He hadn't talked to Toji for long, but even in their brief moments Shinji had a glimmer of hope something could have happened. Maybe Misato was right and they might have become friends. Maybe even forgiven for the murder of his sister. He didn't know what would happen, and now he never would.
"Shinji? Are you in there?"
"…"
"I'm coming in."
The door opened, allowing light to poke into the room. Misato tried to smile even as Shinji kept his head turned away from her.
"Figured you'd be in my room than here. Couples are supposed to sleep together, you know?"
He kept his gaze trained to the ground. Misato inched closer.
"I don't blame you for not visiting me. I had my arm checked, we're all good. You don't have to hide from me."
Taking further steps, she dared to sit next to the boy. Shinji refused to look at her. It hurt Misato that he wouldn't acknowledge her presence.
"I'm sorry about what happened. You didn't deserve it. It's okay to let your guard down around me, you know that right? I don't hate you."
Still, he looked away. Misato sighed, unable to get her own tears out. Left with no other alternatives, she moved her hand to take his own.
"This is about all I can do for you."
As expected, that caught Shinji's attention. His eyes widened, torn between fear and something else as he craned his neck to face her fully.
"What… do you mean…?"
Misato looked him in the eye. He wasn't sure about her suggestion, and honestly neither was she. She already unsheathed her weapon, however, her means of comfort during hard times. She had to follow through.
"It's what you think it is and I mean it. Shinji, please… this is the most honest I can be with you."
He gulped, feeling pressured by her offer. He couldn't cry, he was too cowardly to look in the mirror or face his deeds, yet Misato was offering herself despite his neglect. He felt horrible, less than nothing compared to Misato… yet, Shinji knew he didn't want to be alone.
"Um, I don't know… what am I supposed to do, Misato…?"
"Just follow my lead. Maybe we can feel good from this."
"Maybe… wait-"
"Yes, Shinji?"
"…"
"Shinji?"
"… Nothing… let's just do this."
Nodding, Misato went first. She took off her red jacket, tossing it to the side of the room. She then unbuttoned her dress, letting it slip around her waist to reveal a black lace bra. Shinji instinctively looked away, before grabbed his chin to pull him.
"Don't act ashamed now." Misato said with an unexpected hardness. "You've seen this before. Be a man for me now."
He swallowed a lump in his throat in compliance.
Shinji was slow in removing his clothes. He took off his shirt, then unzipped his pants. He felt a shiver down his spine once he removed his boxers in front of Misato. He was starting to have second thoughts.
"M-Misato-"
Her finger touched his lips, silencing. Misato shook her head.
"It's okay Shinji. I'll help you, anyway I can, promise…"
He took her word for it. He let her hand reach for his chin again, bringing him in for a kiss…
…..
...
….
...
….
….
...
….
Laying on his side, Shinji felt horrible. Worse than he did before.
He faced the wall away from Misato's naked form. They had sex, and… it wasn't anything like he ever imagined. It was tingly, wet, full of strange feelings that in the end weren't anything good. He thought connecting with Misato would make him feel better, it's what he dreamed of. Instead, he felt more ashamed and confused than ever before.
Like any teenager his age, Shinji was curious about sex. He thought about women. Before Misato, it was random girls he'd see on the magazines or manga. After Misato, it used to switch between her and Asuka before he forced himself to settle on the former. He had a chance with Misato he never thought possible, which made him excited at the prospect as much as fearful of the consequences. Sex was in his grasp, with a woman who cared about him. Shinji was hopeful that the sex would be a comfort.
After the high of climax vanished, Shinji was left hollow. Bitter. Was this even love? The pain he felt was still there, only now combined with a heart-wrenching need to disappear.
Maybe Misato felt the same. The entire affair, she had been staring down at him with a far-off look, as if she were somewhere else. She wasn't enjoying herself, Shinji realized with further shame. He wasn't big enough, he was just a child unable to fulfill her the way she wanted to. She shrieked in climax, but it was clear to Shinji she was forcing herself to make him happy. He couldn't enjoy anything from the encounter, unable to bear the guilt of coercing her.
The feeling only grew as she turned him to her, still with that frown on her face. Misato whispered softly into his ears,
"Did I help you, Shinji? Was I good?"
Her question, in that broken tone of voice, shattered his confidence. Shinji finally cried.
"I'm- I'm so sorry, Miss Misato… I made you do this, I dirtied you… I don't… feel good at all about this at all…"
"Shinji-"
"I- I have to go. I can't- sniff- I can't stay here."
"Wait, Shinji don't! Come back!"
He ignored her plea, hurriedly rising from the bed to take his clothes. Realizing what was happening Misato tried to go after him, but Shinji already left the room. Even as she attempted to give chase, Misato heard the front door open and slam shut. She considered putting on her clothes to continue, but instead buried her fingers into her scalp. Misato cursed under her breath.
"Fuck, no… I screwed everything up… he left me…"
Was he afraid of women? No, NO! He was afraid of her! HER!
Her fault. It was all her fault. She should have never offered it to him, he wasn't ready! Their relationship was a mistake, Misato knew what the right thing to do was but ignored it for the sake of her own pleasure.
Now, she was faced with the unnerving prospect of never seeing her Shinji again. The thought made her stomach churn in worry and horror. She had never felt more afraid in her life than this moment, alone in her room, with not even Pen-Pen willing to comfort her.
She sighed.
"He ran away. I'm not surprised. Now he knows how filthy I really am."
He'd hate her forever for what she did. Misato was sure of it.
Shinji didn't care where he went. He ran as fast as he could, as far as he could.
He couldn't stop crying. The memories blurred in his head, Toji's death, the sex with Misato, the emptiness he felt, all came together to make him feel disgusting. He felt horrible by himself, but realizing he dragged another person down with him made Shinji realize how irredeemable he truly was.
"I dirtied Misato, made her like me. I'm the lowest of the low."
He was thankful the shirt covered the scratches on his skin. He didn't want to answer any questions, not from any random technicians or Dr. Akagi. He didn't want to anyone to see him in this state.
Eventually, his body tired. Shinji stopped at a railing, just under a window. He caught his breath, rubbing his eyes to regain composure. The tears wouldn't stop, they couldn't! He repressed them for so long they just kept coming no matter how hard he tried to pull them back.
He took a hold the railing in his frustrated sadness, his grip tightening so hard his knuckles turned white. Even with his focus on the pain, his tears wouldn't stop. Shinji looked up.
"This is… wait… the Geo-Front…"
The forest cast shadows during this time of day. The meager view wasn't as good as the one in his room, but at least it served as a distraction from his pain. Shinji hadn't been back in the Geo-Front in days. Had Kaji regrown his crops? Did he leave his own to wither in revenge?
"Maybe he had." Shinji chuckled softly. "They've probably soured by now."
He had been so focused on Eva and Misato he hadn't checked on his watermelon patch. He might as well not. If he went back there, the ambiguity would be factual. He didn't need to be there to know he ruined the melons with his touch. Just like he did everything else.
Was Asuka alright? Shinji didn't know what happened to her. After Unit 03, Shinji was escorted by security to his cell. The brief instant Asuka saw him, she looked away. She hadn't visited him.
Did she hate him? Was it for his weakness, unwilling to avenge her defeat? Was it for his selfishness, destroying the Eva because of Misato? She hated Misato, he could see his actions as a betrayal to her. Or maybe it was all the teasing he did to her, surpassing her as an Eva pilot? Was it enough of a big deal she'd ignore him until he went away? He wanted to beg for her help, but knew from that moment he had been rejected well before she said no.
He didn't have anyone, not really. Shinji realized he had no one to talk about his feelings with, because Misato could get in trouble, because he failed them, or they weren't as important as saving the world. Shinji continued to cry at his weakness, his loneliness.
"Mom…" He sniffed. "What would you do if you were here? I miss you…"
More than ever, Shinji wished she was alive. The Sub-Commander was cold, Misato was not a mother, and Ayanami was- she was a freak! At the moment, he didn't care about the Eva and how it scared him, Shinji wanted his mother back. He wanted her to tell him it was alright, to take him away from NERV, from people, from everything! Life hurt so much, he wanted her so badly so he would never have to deal with it again.
"Please Mom, I'll be good! I'll be anything you want to be! Just come back, I don't know what to do now…"
He was so caught up in his own feelings, he almost didn't hear the alarm blare. He sighed in frustration.
"An Angel? Now?!"
Could they have waited another day?! Do they even strategize their attacks?! Shinji tried to blink his tears away as he ran to the Eva.
Shinji knew he didn't have a choice but piloting Eva. He trapped in it, by the Angels and by NERV. Even when it was all over, he was never going to be free from his cage. There was no denying it, his father brought him to kill, and that was all he would do or be known for. He was an empty shell who couldn't even comfort his girlfriend when she needed him.
Girlfriend. As if he deserved Misato with how he treated her.
Shinji continued to run toward his destiny, unable- or unwilling- to do anything else.
A ball floated within the Tokyo-3 cityscape.
Black with white stripes like a zebra, rippling and shifting all around the body. The Angel had remained in place from the morning to the afternoon. It hadn't launched an attack, much to the relief of NERV and no doubt the citizens inside the shelters, but risks couldn't be afforded. At 2PM sharp the Evangelions were sent to intercept the Angel, classified as Leliel, the Twelfth Angel according to the manual and MAGI.
"Orange pattern, hasn't fully materialized yet."
"No sign of attack. It's stationary over the skyline."
"Maybe it was waiting on us."
The bridge crew threw our theory after theory, but Misato knew better than to guess. The Angels were mindless beasts. The last one attacked without reason or care for its own well-being. This was more of the same, another Angel waiting to die by their hands.
"I find it strange." Ritsuko said. "We identified the second-to-last Angel we fought as the Fourteenth, with this being the Twelfth. Why are the Angels attacking out of order?"
"Who cares? They're making it easy for us." Misato ignored her friend's concerns. "Let's be careful about this. Don't directly engage the enemy. Shinji, draw point and fire from a distance."
Shinji complied, drawing out his weapon. He tried to ignore the concerned look Misato gave him. He didn't deserve it, nor did he want it. The Angel had to be dealt with, it wasn't the time to crumble like he already had a while ago.
Just then, Asuka's face appeared on the comms system. Shinji's eye twitched in annoyance.
"What is it now, Asuka?"
"Why the long face?" Asuka said. "Not gonna brag about being a man now?"
Shinji turned off the camera. It was no use, as Asuka came back.
"I am TALKING to you, Pilot!"
"Asuka, leave me alone."
"You can't just shut me off like that! Where's your sense of pride? We're going to fight the Angel and you're just sitting there like a wimp!"
To his mild surprise, Shinji didn't need to respond. Misato did it for him.
"Asuka, shut up! You've been given your orders, and Shinji his. Stand there and wait until he fires."
"Oh, please." Asuka grunted. "I'm not going to let his idiot take another victory while he's feeling sorry for himself! I'll finally prove myself!"
Asuka's comm turned off, as Unit 02 began to move. Shinji, along with the rest of the Bridge, were shocked at her actions. What was Asuka's problem?
"Asuka, don't fight the Angel!" Misato yelled over the systems. "God, she's not listening to me! Shinji, stop her before she gets killed!"
He didn't need to be told that. Shinji willed Unit 01 to chase after Asuka, who had her rifle ready against the Angel. He turned the comms on.
"Asuka, stop!"
"Sorry, but I'm not allowing anyone to steal the kill this time!"
Unit 02 readied the rifle at the Angel. Asuka pressed her fingers into it, firing directly at her hated enemy…
"Ha! Wait… where did it go?!"
The ball vanished just as the bullets flew past it. Asuka, Shinji and the rest of NERV were dumbfounded by what happened.
"You can't be fucking serious!" Asuka slammed her hands into the controls. "I can't lose again, I just can't! There's no way it vanished like that!"
"Maybe it gave up?" Shinji said, quietly ignoring the glare Asuka threw in his direction. "Not like you have better ideas."
"I did! I was going to win, not you who has it easy!"
His eye twitched at that. "What do you even mean?!"
"I went down easily last time, I refuse to let another Angel beat me!"
"Is that what this is about?! We have bigger problems!"
"Says you, you didn't even fight the Angel until your precious Misato was brought up!"
He was thoroughly angered now, not holding back as he yelled:
"ASUKA, I KILLED SOMEONE! HOW ARE YOU THIS SHORT-SIGHTED?!"
"Deaths happen in the battlefield!" Asuka shook her head. "It's life! You're too stupid to get that through your thick skull!"
"So you don't care?!" Shinji was horrified. "You just accept it like that?"
Back at the bridge, everyone sat around uncomfortable at the argument they were being forced to hear. Misato wanted to step in, but the mention of her name and Shinji's own feelings held her back. As she was distracted, Ritsuko looked over Maya's computer console. Her eyes widened, immediately turning back to Misato.
"Misato, you need to order the children back now!"
"What? Why?"
"Just do it!"
Misato nodded, the argument between Shinji and Asuka still ongoing.
"I hate it, but that's the risks you take being a pilot! If you want to mope, do it somewhere else!"
"I- I can't believe you! I hate you!"
"Yeah? WELL I HATE YOU TOO ASSHOLE-!"
"Asuka, Shinji, fall back!" Misato said. "We're running into a problem!"
"A BLUE PATTERN IS EMERGING UNDERNEATH THE EVANGELIONS!"
Asuka felt it even before she heard the warning from Aoba. She looked down, finding her Unit 02 was sinking into the shadow beneath her feet. She fired her gun into the shadow, to no avail. She was stuck.
"Mein Gott… NO, GET THIS OFF OF ME!"
She made a horrible mistake! Of all the times to ignore her military training, it was against an abstract Angel she couldn't stab with a knife. Asuka tried to wrestle her legs from the shadow, but it was no use. Her Eva was sinking, she was going to be dragged to God knows where.
"NO! I CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS! I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THAT!"
"ASUKA, HANG ON!"
Unit 01 had also been caught in the Angel's shadow, but Shinji could still move. He managed to grab Unit 02 by the shoulders, lifting it with great effort over his head. Asuka was surprised by the act.
"Mein Gott, Shinji what are you doing?!"
With no time to waste, Shinji threw Asuka over to another street, far from the shadow. Unit-01 wasn't so lucky, as it sunk to the floor at a faster rate than Asuka had. Shinji began to scream into the comms system.
"I'M TRAPPED! MISATO, ASUKA, SOMEONE SAVE ME!"
"SHINJIIIII!"
Asuka stretched out Unit 02's hand, as the power cable attached to Unit 01 snapped in two.
"NO! NO, MEIN GOTT!"
"This is horrible." Ritsuko said. "We lost the umbilical chord connected to Unit 01, so Shinji only has sixteen hours to live before the oxygen runs out… Misato?"
Misato dropped to her knees, her face locked into a state of absolute terror. Her eyes watered in realization of what just happened.
"I failed him… he's going to die and it's all my fault…"
…
…
….
…
Where am I?
Inside of me.
Who are you?
I am what you call an Angel.
What? But how is that possible?
I am what I am. You are in me, as I am in of you. We are reflections of each other.
Is that why you look like me?
I took the form that resembles the concept of human. That is you.
I can't see your face.
I cannot see the light of your soul.
Huh?
What you call an AT Field is what maintains our physical form. You have also it.
I don't understand.
You don't have to understand. You only need to know. We are the same.
Are we? But you're…
You are confused. You see me as a being better than yourself despite killing us.
I…
Very curious. You pilot one of our own for your guardian's approval, yet you turn her away.
Why do you care? She hates you. She wants you dead.
Because of her father. Because of our father. Because they stole from him.
I don't know what you mean!
It is pointless to explain. You live in denial.
I am not!
You do not even value yourself. Do you value others? Such as the woman you claim to love?
I love her! I have to love her, she is… Or… maybe I thought I did… After what happened, I don't know…
You mated with her.
I… I don't know I am feeling…
You are disgusted. With oneself and with her.
Hold on!
The image of Misato that exists in your mind clashes with the image of Misato mating with the one known as Ryoji Kaji. It clashes with the image of Misato offering to mate with you, that let her into your inner world. Your confused emotions are because you deny her feelings even exist. You did not speak to her after the act, only assumed she hated it because you hate yourself.
You don't understand anything!
I don't, mostly because humans are confusing.
Shut up!
You have spent your life covering your ears and ignoring the truth. Even from the memories I have observed it is clear she was holding herself back for your sake.
Shut up!
You know she loves you, as much as she is capable of. She clings to you in your pathetic form. You wish to reciprocate but too wrapped in your self-loathing to give back, even as you desire her affection. She wanted to save you but you cannot even save yourself.
SHUT UP!
You know this to be true deep down. But you live in denial. Your circumstances will not change until you accept reality.
SHUT UP, I SAID GO AWAY AND MAKE IT HURT!
You cannot run from your feelings.
'You mustn't run away, Shinji.'
Using her words against me?
They are what she said.
Go away! I hate you! I hate… you..
Very well. I shall. Even when I vanish from your consciousness, the one known as Shinji Ikari will always be laid bare before me.
…
….
The entry plug was cold.
Even surrounded by the LCL, Shinji felt frozen in his seat. He curled into a ball, unable to hear or see outside his peripheral vision. If he couldn't see past his nose, what was the point of staring at nothing? He stayed where he was, wallowing in his despair.
At least in here, Shinji allowed himself to cry again. He didn't know how long he had been trapped inside, but it must have been a while since he spoke to the Angel wearing the body of his four-year old self.
"No one is coming… I'm completely alone..."
Misato, Asuka, Dr. Akagi, he'd even take his father over this hell. He wished he was anywhere else, even the bottom of a shallow grave, than inside of the entry plug. The oxygen was running out, he could feel his breath slowly giving way once he knew. There was nothing to do but wait for rescue or his death…
…
"What… what is that…?"
A light shined over the plug. He could see the outline of his plugsuit on his arms and legs. Shinji looked up to find a blue flame approaching him.
"… Mom?"
Within seconds, the flame consumed him.
Asuka was frustrated. She felt it most days, but today in particular was a source of misery for her.
Ever since the volcano, she had been a joke of a pilot. She ran from terrorists, had to play catch with an Angel while Shinji got the credit, failed in winning Kaji's affections, couldn't even make watermelons without fucking it up. Shinji stole her chances to shine, and now he was going to die over something she did. The universe had to be laughing at her, making her fail for its amusement.
"I can't believe that idiot… He shouldn't have had to kill himself like that for my sake…"
Her voice wavered, but her face remained stone cold. Her hands were on the railing, balled into fists over her feelings of inadequacy.
As a child, she promised herself she would never cry. Asuka remained firm, but today tested that promise. Her time in Tokyo-3 had been nothing but madness! She worked hard to be a pilot, trained as a soldier, sacrificed so much only to be outdone by an untrained monkey! She liked the idiot, he was a decent enough friend, but it was unfair! Unfair that he beat her the way he had! Unfair that she went down so easily while he was forced to kill a human being for the first time. Unfair that he fought for the woman who abandoned her.
She was harsh to prove a point. She wanted him to know a basic truth she picked up in her training. Accidents happened, people die. There was no way he could remain a pilot if he was going to remain a child like he was. Misato was coddling him too much, of course he broke down and wasn't prepared for the consequences! Now…
After absorbing Shinji, Leliel returned to its original ball shape. It hadn't made any attempt to attack the city or move in eight hours. NERV couldn't risk attacking the Angel and endangering the pilots, so the Units hadn't been sent out again. Nothing effort was being expended to stop the Angel or retrieve Shinji. Asuka was pissed to no end.
"Cowards! Idiots! We're supposed to be the best, but we can't do shit!"
She heard footsteps behind her. Asuka turned her head to yell at Misato, only to find it was her fellow pilot. The other one.
"Commander Ikari has a plan." Rei said. "You will not need to worry any longer."
Rei stared at the Angel with her usual impassive face. Asuka bared her teeth. She was so pale, like she hardly ever saw the light of the sun. Her short bob-cut hair and perfect shape made her seem like a doll. The comparison only drew more of Asuka's ire.
"Did he now? I'd figure Misato would have come up with a plan, she'd do anything for that idiot."
"The Commander had the idea first." Rei narrowed her eyes at Asuka. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"I… no," Asuka sensed something in Rei's words. A warning. She crossed her arms. "It's a good thing, I guess. Not like I want Shinji to die."
Rei backed down from her implied threat, instead returning to her sight to the Angel.
"He might not survive. We should be prepared for that possibility."
"Sure, but it's not like we want one of our pilots to die right? No man left behind, as they like to say."
"I will not be bothered if he dies."
Asuka was baffled, even concerned over Rei's casual admission.
"I- Rei, he's our fellow pilot! He's trapped inside of that thing! Why are you unbothered by this?!"
"I am worried about the Eva. I do not need him to survive."
"Um, because he's a person? We need him? What, did he kick your puppy or something?"
"He struck me."
Bullshit. Even Asuka knew that couldn't be true.
"Now I know you're lying. Shinji's an idiot, but he wouldn't do something like that!"
"It is the truth."
"Clearly you must have done something, that weakling is so pathetic he wouldn't touch a girl's breast if you pushed it to him let alone hit you."
"You overestimate him."
"And I underestimated you. I thought you were a doll, but you're obviously a total psychopath. Is there anything you care about besides you?"
"The Eva is my bond to others. Commander Ikari is all I have. I require nothing else."
"Tch, then you're just a shallow piece of furniture. I won't be anything like you!"
Suitably incensed by the doll, Asuka stormed off in a huff. The more she talked to her, the more Asuka grew to hate Ayanami. More and more, Shinji's assessment was correct. Only a total freakazoid would act the way she did, just an unfeeling creature from the planet Freaksville!
Before she retreated back to the base, Asuka took glance at the upper platform. She bared her teeth.
"Tch. Misato is moping again. She probably doesn't have a real plan."
Meanwhile, Misato barely tried to hide her sorrow.
Her hair was disheveled, bags under her eyes formed from tears and hours of staring at computer screens, waiting for any sign of Shinji's return. Misato wasn't sure if she could cry any further. Hours have passed and she couldn't come up with a strategy against the Angel. Why couldn't it have been any of the easier ones? Why didn't Shinji save himself?
"I'm so sorry, Shinji." She said, with only the Angel around for company. "I completely fucking failed you… please don't die before I have a chance to make up for it… Just don't…"
The Commander had to have some kind of plan. He had to! Misato went over countless scenarios with the MAGI and they were all resounding failures. Not even the low probability success rates of her previous plans, her intuition couldn't come up with something crazy to save the one who mattered most to her. She couldn't risk the other pilots for a pointless suicide mission, not like the volcano incident. She didn't want to be responsible for any more deaths if she could help it.
Being helpless was anathema to Misato. She trained for years to fight the Angels, to overcome her weakness in order to prevent disasters like Second Impact from harming anyone ever again. She hadn't felt this useless since the Third Angel, when Shinji first piloted the Eva. There was always the feeling of cowardliness, sending Evas to fight her battles for her that she rationalized as being for the sake of the planet.
Now, Shinji was paying the price for her failures. For putting him in harm's way, for failing to be what he needed, for not being what he wanted either. Misato couldn't even cry, not in the face of the Angel aiming to destroy them all.
"Misato. Talk to me, you're losing yourself."
Ritsuko! Misato sharply turned to find her friend walking toward her. She had to have good news, she had to! Misato launched herself toward Ritsuko.
"Tell me you have good news! How's the situation? What's the plan? What can we do to stop it?"
Ritsuko grimaced. She turned away, a clear sign Misato wasn't going to like what she would hear.
"The MAGI concocted a plan. It's the only one we got to retrieve the Eva."
"… No…" Misato's hands balled into fists. "Don't tell me he's that heartless."
"The Angel has to weakness to exploit. The orange pattern we detected was an inverted AT-Field, its real body being composed of a Dirac Sea, the shadow that absorbed Unit 01. As it is, Shinji could be in a whole other universe if he isn't dead already. The MAGI and the military both agreed on dumping 992 N2 mines in the hopes of killing it before the sea could absorb the rest of the city."
This surely was a mistake. There was no way this was the plan!
"But that'll kill Shinji! You can't be serious!"
"The Commander was firm in his orders. We are to retrieve Unit 01 from the Angel. So long as it's kept intact, the pilot's life is irrelevant."
Misato couldn't take it. Losing herself, she threw a punch at Ritsuko, hitting her directly in the nose. Ignoring the burst of blood trickling down her hand, Misato grabbed the doctor by the collar, uncaring of anyone watching her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're seriously going to let him die just to get Unit 01 back?! What's so special about it?! It's just a machine! Are you so heartless that you'd let him die?! ARE YOU!?"
"Misato, you're-" Ritsuko choked out. "It's out of our hands! We already agreed on it! There's- ack- nothing we can do!"
"I refuse! I can't accept this!"
"You'll have to! I'm sorry Misato, but there is nothing else that can be done!"
Misato shoved Ritsuko to the ground. She ignored her friend's hurt expression, there was no way she'd ever understand how pained she was. How could someone like Ritsuko understand her feelings? She was like the Commander, like Kaji, a schemer behind her back like everyone else! Misato could feel more tears pouring down her face, feeling even more alone than ever. She moved a hand to her cross, praying to it against all hope for Shinji's return.
"Goddamn it, I'm so sorry Shinji… Please be safe…"
The scene felt strangely familiar.
Not right away, but Shinji knew he had been in a place like this before. The lake shined from the sun's bright rays, the grass as green as what Shinji had seen around Tokyo-3. Maybe this was Tokyo-3? He couldn't see any tall buildings in the distance, just a large facility across from him. Was this a memory, or his dying imagination?
He walked a bit more, not feeling an ounce of tiredness or exhaustion. As if the last several hours never happened. Shinji sighed.
"This is probably all a dream…" He looked around. "But why would I dream of this?"
He liked nature, but only in small doses, and if he could tune out the noise with his SDAT player. Never wanted to be outside for too long as he didn't like the feeling of insects on his skin. He had enough of that at his teacher's place in the countryside. Still, it feel peaceful compared to what he was used to since moving out. Tokyo-3 was a cold, maze-like city while here he could relax.
Finally, in his walk Shinji spotted a large tree not too far from him.
"Huh?"
The tree provided ample shade to the two strangers laying underneath it. A note of nostalgia hit Shinji as he took a second to realize one of them looked like…
"The Sub-Commander?" He asked. "But that's crazy. Why would she be here?"
Shinji went in for a closer look. She was slightly younger, but it was definitely Mary Iscariot talking to another woman. More than Iscariot, the other stranger gave Shinji reason to pause. He couldn't believe what he was seeing!
"Mom?!"
He tried to reach closer, but his legs couldn't take him further. It felt as if some force was keeping him in place. Shinji could only watch as Iscariot and his mother continued to converse between themselves. He noticed his mother was holding a baby to her chest, letting him drink from her nipple.
"Is that… me?"
It couldn't be anyone else. While he didn't remember specifics, he definitely recall the sensation of his mother's nipple on his lips, a source of comfort in his years by himself. There was no mistaking this for anything else. This was a memory, one Shinji bore witness to.
"You're serious about this. Are you sure you want to go through with this plan?"
Mary Iscariot said it, with equal parts worry and acceptance. It seemed she had long since given up on stopping her friend. Yui Ikari laughed at her friend.
"The old men are already onto me. I don't have much of a choice. Evangelion has always been my dream, you know that."
"Still, to think you'd tell me this and not Gendo. You brought him to the Committee didn't you?"
Shinji's eyes widened. What was happening?
"I don't trust him. I love him, don't get me wrong but… he'd never understand. If he learned what I had planned he'd try to keep me with him, he'd never respect my wishes."
"But you trust him to raise the little one?"
"He'll have to. Shinji is our son. He can't just run away from his responsibilities."
"As opposed to you running into the Eva."
"I know how it sounds, but believe me. This is the best way to keep Shinji safe. I have to let the Eva absorb me, so I can protect Shinji inside of it."
Shinji gasped once he heard that, taking a step back in confusion.
"But that's not all, is it? You want to go out into space. Guys have gone insane just being on the moon. How are you gonna be any better than them?"
"I'll have to. The whole point is to become an eternal reminder of mankind's existence. SEELE is right about one thing, we're at an evolutionary dead end. You know that, Mary. It's why I have to make sure Eva survives well beyond our death."
"Getting one over the old men and humanity's self-destructive nature. Absolutely diabolical, Yui."
"Could you please make sure to keep an eye on Gendo? I think- no, I know for a fact he'll lose his way without me."
"I dunno…" Mary sighed at her friend's glare. "Fine, I promise. I'll make sure Shinji gets looked after too."
"Thanks. The future will be bright for all of us, just wait and see."
Yui pushed strands of hair from her baby's face. She smiled.
"I love you so much, Shinji… just wait and see, things will be so much better for you and everyone else."
Shinji began to tremble. What was this? Why did he see this? Why now? There was no way it was true, it couldn't be. All these years…
"Mom knew all along what would happen and she did?! This is… this is insane!"
"Unfortunately, it's what happened."
He felt a soft hand graze his shoulder. Shinji slowly turned his head. He didn't want to confirm it. He didn't want this to be real. He didn't…
"… Mom?"
He didn't want to see her. Yet there was she was. Yui Ikari nodded her head, looking at him with a sad smile.
"Shinji… I'm so sorry…"
He said nothing, even as she hugged him. He didn't respond to her, even as she kissed his cheeks, even as she explained herself.
"I honestly thought things would go well. That we would be working together to reach that bright future. When you got into the Eva, I saw everything. Your father, Mary, neither of them listened to me. I wanted them to take care of you, not leave you behind like I had to. I didn't want you to be alone. "
"…"
"I mean it Shinji, I had to do what was best for everyone. I had no idea things would spiral out of control the way they did."
"… You killed Toji's sister…"
Yui winced.
"It isn't just me in there. The Eva, it has a spirit inside that's monstrous and cruel. I had to compete with that thing every time we were sent out, and it took all I had just to keep it focused on the Third Angel. It acted on its own. I'm sorry."
"But…" Shinji shook his head. "That sync test… I was almost absorbed! Was that the Eva or you?"
Yui grabbed a hold of her own shoulder, trying to keep herself steady.
"When I said I saw everything, I do mean everything. I realized where you and Katsuragi were headed, so in the brief time I was in control I tried to take you before she could make a move. I couldn't let you stay by yourself. It's why I decided to take you with me."
"B- But you knew that would happen! Everything was just a plan for you, wasn't it?! Just to leave us!"
"Shinji, I couldn't stay even if I wanted to. SEELE already knew about my plans. I had to go inside. I did what I had to. If only Mary did her job. If only Gendo hadn't…"
Her face turned cold.
"If only he hadn't replaced me, he would have finally grown up and faced reality. It was his and Mary's fault you're like this, not me. I know I have to set things right between us, so I'm asking you to trust me."
Shinji looked down, unsure of himself.
"… I don't… know…"
The scene switched back to reality. Shinji sat back in the plug, while Yui kneeled above him. She was naked, which oddly didn't make Shinji flush like he did with Misato. Maybe he was just used to it.
"I'm sorry for robbing you of your future, I'll do everything I can to fix that. I'll protect you like you want me to, I'll keep you safe with me when we reach the stars together."
Yui reached her hand out to him.
"What do you say?"
Could he accept this offer? Could he really leave everything behind for his mother? She seemed so sincere, but learning everything was by her design…
Shinji stared at the hand, thinking long and hard over what to do.
It had been fifteen and a half hours since Leliel appeared. It was too late.
The N2 mines were already stacked on top of each other, ready to be deployed against the Angel. Despite objections from her, Misato was ineffectual at stopping the operation. She was going to watch the love of her life die and there was nothing she could do about it.
She wanted a drink. Anything to avoid the inevitable pain.
"Please, don't let this come true… I wish things were better…"
"If it makes you feel any better, I don't like this any more than you do."
Misato's eyes widened, turning to find Asuka approaching her. She glared at the girl.
"What are you doing here?!"
"I wanted to see how you were doing." Asuka said. "I wish Shinji wasn't inside the Angel. I didn't want him to die like this."
She had the audacity to say it, after what happened. Misato spared no sympathy for Asuka.
"Why do you care? He died saving your sorry ass, you should be jumping with joy over it. You'll finally be number one."
"What?!" Asuka was honestly shocked at the accusation. "How could you say that?! Of course I don't want that moron dead! I hate that he died to protect me, this is horrible for everyone!"
"Save it. Get the hell out, I don't want to hear any of your bullshit!"
"You're being ridiculous! I saw you and figured you wanted company, but you treat me like trash!"
"You are trash as far as I'm concerned. Leave."
"Do you hate me that much?! Am I such a piece of shit in your eyes compared to your precious Shinji?
Misato sneered at Asuka. This girl…
"He's dead because of you. Remember that."
Asuka took a step back. Betrayal and hurt were all over her face.
"My god, you really do hate me, don't you? You always did…"
For a moment, Asuka looked like she was about to cry. However, she turned around and ran before Misato could see. A part of her felt guilty for the girl, but mostly, she was glad Asuka was gone.
"Asuka wouldn't understand. She's just a child."
She looked at the platform below. The bridge crew set up camp to check the Angel's AT-Field and possible attack pattern. They were also on stand by on, she had to give the final word on deploying the N2 mines against the Angel.
As the final preparations were in place, Misato lowered her head to the railing. She softly whispered into the wind, knowing no one would listen…
"Come back to me, my sweet Shinji… Please… I can't live without you…"
Shinji shivered. He turned his head back to see if he heard something.
"Shinji?"
"I thought I heard something…" Shinji turned back to his mother. "This is… a lot…"
"I know, but we don't have a lot of time." Yui said. "The oxygen is running out and the Angel is probably going to keep us in here until we die."
"Die?"
"Yes, die. Unless I absorb you into the Eva."
She reached her hand out to Shinji's cheek, caressing it gently. Shinji showed no reaction to this.
"Come with me. I can save you, it's not too late! Just let me get Leliel's S2 Engine and we can make it out of here alive. Things will be better, I promise."
The promise was tempting. He really wanted to believe it, an end to his suffering. Life had been nothing but pain and lost chances. This may be his one chance at being truly happy and at peace forever.
Shinji grabbed his mother's hand, pushing it away from his face.
"You left us alone."
"Shinji-"
"You brought me to the lab to watch you die. I thought for years Father killed you,… he was suffering because of you! You're the reason he abandoned me, the reason I was alone!"
"I know, and I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to happen-"
"No! You killed Toji's sister, you hurt Ayanami! You wanted to leave us all for- for SPACE?! To be away from all of us?! You're worse than father! He never pretended to care like you did."
He hitched a breath, beginning to cry again.
"Misato is the only one who cares. The only one who really loves me."
Yui realized her mistake. Her horrible, horrible mistake, as she started shrinking under Shinji's gaze. He seemed taller than her in response to her words.
"No, Shinji! She's just using you! She doesn't love you, she's hurting you!"
"YOU USED US! YOU USED EVERYONE! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!"
He shook his head, glaring at his mother.
"Send me back! NOW!"
"No Shini, you don't understand! You're just going to hurt more!"
"Misato never hurt me."
"She did! She still is! She uses you, abuses you, Shinji! She doesn't love you!"
"I love her. Now send me back."
"I won't! I won't let her near you, she's already done too much damage!"
"You will let me go!"
"No!"
Enraged at her denial, Shinji reached his hands and strangled his mother. Yui was surprised, shocked at how far her son was willing to go to be with Misato. Tears fell from her eyes as his face told her everything.
He was angry. He wasn't going to change his mind for her. He despised her more than his father.
"I want Misato. Give her back!"
A loud rumbling was heard over the field.
Misato was the first to feel it, and the first to look upward. She was the first to witness a geyser of blood burst from the Angel, covering a chunk of the street and a set of buildings.
"What… is that?"
She ran to the lower platform, rushing past the crew and Asuka trying to process what was happening. She reached over Hyuuga's shoulder, staring into his computer screen which showed a camera feed of the Angel from the street.
"Ma'am, we recovered Unit 01's signal." Hyuuga said. "It's reaching out from within the Angel and… tearing it apart! Oh my god… the sync ratio is almost to the four hundreds…"
Misato saw how the Evangelion tore the Angel apart in its escape. She had seen Unit 01's berserk moods before, but they were never like what she was seeing. The Eva's jaw was open, eyes glowing yellow, yet there was more to it, something different. The green in the pylons were glowing red, and a halo formed atop Unit 01's head. Its hands were covered in the Angel's blood as it roared into the sky.
No one was prepared. Everyone were staring, gasping in horror at the unfolding nightmare, completely dumbfounded at this display of savagery and violence. Asuka in particular was terrified at the Eva's potential.
"What the hell… am I piloting that?!"
None of that was in Misato's mind, however. She pushed her future worries to the side, instead electing to thank whatever god was out there that Unit 01 came back from the brink. She ran out.
"Major-!"
"I have to see him!" She yelled. "I have to know."
Minutes later, she was on the ground level. Misato forced a man to drive her to the Eva, taking no less than a couple of hours to reach it. Long enough for Unit 01 to lose its monstrous visage, laying deactivated on its stomach. Misato jumped out of the car, diving toward the hatch in reckless abandon. She aimed to grab it open, but found it seething hot.
"GAH! I can't- I can't just-!"
Misato pushed through the pain. Her hands must have been fried as finally opened the Entry Plug, forcing herself inside.
"SHINJI!"
To her relief, Shinji hadn't disappeared. He was very much alive, breathing heavily but still awake in his corporeal form. For a moment, it looked as though his eyes shifted from red to their regular blue. Misato took it to be a trick of the light.
She wasted no time. Misato threw her arms around Shinji in a tight hug.
"You're alive, thank god!" She cried. "I'm so sorry, Shinji. Please, come back to me, don't leave me, I'll be a good girl, I promise I'll be better, just don't die, please…"
Misato gasped when she felt arms around her back. She looked down, to see Shinji giving her a warm smile in return.
"I'm home."
Those words… Misato smiled back in complete contentment.
"Welcome home."
Author's Notes:
Leliel replacing Zeruel was always the plan. Having it be a full swap didn't come until writing The Price of One and realizing it needed an Angel fight to round it out.
Why do this? Well, ever notice how the Leliel and Zeruel fights follow a similar pattern? An overconfident Shinji fights the Angel, causing him to get trapped in Unit 01. The other characters agonize over Shinji potential death, as he encounters a spirit within Unit 01, who lets him go while Misato cries hugging him. I decided to run with Leliel to make specific things happen, namely Shinji meeting Yui without turning to LCL or the Eva obtaining the S2 Engine. It's also part of my firm commitment to dodging fight scenes whenever possible, and to avoid repetitive plot points.
(According to my analytics the interlude is the fic's third most viewed chapter :/ you perverts should probably know I renamed it and two other chapters, plus gave the prologue an actual name.)
Reviews:
Volter: Well, no one dies but Yui probably didn't come out of this okay.
Traitor of all Traitors: Matarael's hatching went bad, causing its own ability to kill him due to his skin not being able to take the acid. If you don't like that explanation, maybe SEELE sent a team to kill it and lied in the report. Asuka's dream is more of an easter egg than precognition, since- spoiler alert- the Mass Production Evas won't exist in this fic's continuity. You'll notice how in those fics Shinji isn't masturbating to her comatose body like in canon, so he tends to be nicer in them too.