Chapter Twenty Six

John was in the hospital for three weeks. Once he was out of danger, and the medications were beginning to work, Dr. Clarkson authorized John's transfer back to Downton. There it was easier for his friends and family to visit and keep his spirits up.

The hospital physiotherapist came in daily to exercise John's arms and his good leg. The infected leg had to stay immobilized until the infection started to recede. While John's body had fought off the systemic infection, the one in the joint was taking longer to abate.

Once the fever broke and John felt stronger, the doctors had him up on his feet though he couldn't put weight on his right leg. When he tried it was too painful and too unstable.

By the end of the third week, John had been fever free for almost ten days and was bored out of his mind. Anna came daily as did Robert. Robert even brought work with him so that John had something to occupy his mind, except the only thing that did occupy his mind was the strain on his marriage to Anna.

They hadn't discussed their row the night he got sick. He knew she'd started to believe he had gone back to drinking and try as he might, he couldn't forgive that hurt yet. He said he understood, and that it was all alright, but it hurt and he couldn't pretend it didn't. On the other side of it, there was the fact he hadn't told Anna about the arthritis. They had some talking to do, but it seemed they never had the privacy to do it.

The day John was finally going to be discharged, Anna and Robert joined John for a meeting with Dr. Clarkson to go over the results of his latest X-ray.

"Well, there is some good news," Dr. Clarkson told them. "It looks as if the infection in the joint has finally abated. You'll be able to start walking on it for longer distances soon and hopefully regain most of the mobility."

"But?" John sighed. "There's always a but."

"But," Dr. Clarkson replied as Anna took John's hand. "There is significant damage to the joint. The little bit of remaining cartilage you had is all but gone. The joint will be unstable and because any further injury will likely result in full loss of mobility, I strongly recommend use of a brace. I also want you to consider using crutches at home when you won't need your hands free. The change in posture will help your back and hip, less stress on the muscles there."

John pursed his lips, ready to argue. He hated the idea of a brace. He's used them before and it never worked out for him. All they did was cause him to hurt more. Still, if agreeing to that got him home, he'd agree.

"I'll see that he does," Anna assured Dr. Clarkson. "Is there anything we can do to avoid it happening again?"

"Unfortunately not," Dr. Clarkson replied. "With the shrapnel still inside, we believe it is wearing microscopic holes in the bone and the under layer of the skin. Bacteria gets in through a hair follicle or a cut and as the joint is so damaged, it's vulnerable. Cleanliness will help. Wash your legs thoroughly a few times a day and wipe them down with alcohol. That will reduce the risk, but it won't eliminate it."

Robert hadn't said much of anything. He'd listened, but kept his opinion to himself. That opinion was that neither Dr. Clarkson nor the doctors in York had the first idea what they were dealing with when it came to John's condition. Robert knew he had to get him to agree to see the specialists in Leeds. If they couldn't help, perhaps one in London. He'd make sure that option was available.

Mr. Stark drove them back to the cottage. Robert got out first so that he could offer his support to John as he slid out of the car. "Take your time," Anna told him. John hated crutches. He felt they were so cumbersome, but for now at least, he'd follow doctor's orders. "I can bring a chair out and you can sit a few minutes if you start to hurt."

John tried not to laugh at that. Start to hurt, it was almost funny. It hurt like Hell to move his knee, much more than before, though he had it immobile for three weeks. It would take time for the stiffness to recede. Still, John would never admit it.

"I'm fine, love," John replied. "I just want to go inside and see the children. I have missed them so much. Elizabeth won't even remember me. I'm certain she thinks Mr. Carson and Mr. Branson are her new daddies."

"Oh, no," Anna replied. "Elizabeth will know you. She knows you're missing. You'll see."

The stairs proved to be a bit of a challenge but with help from Robert, John managed them. When he opened the door to the cottage, he was startled to find the room filled with people. "Surprise!" the children called out. Miss Sybbie, Master George, Miss Caroline, and his own three little ones were clapping and jumping up and down with excitement.

Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Carson, Lady Mary, Mr. Branson, and her ladyship were also there with wide bright smiles. The Moseleys and Parker family were not far off from them, and Mrs. Patmore could be heard from the kitchen giving instructions even over the excited calls from the children.

Above their heads, along one of the curtain rods, was a sign that read "Welcome Home, Daddy. We love you."

"Are you surprised, Daddy?" Johnny asked as he and Maggie moved in to hug John.

"I am very surprised," John said with a genuine smile on his face. "I missed you all so much. Margaret Mary, give Daddy a kiss."

Ever the curious child, Maggie asked John, "Why do you have different stick, Daddy?"

"Because Daddy's leg is hurt again so I need more help walking," John replied. "Don't worry, it'll be alright. Something smells delicious."

John started for his favorite chair with Anna hovering over him. "Sit down, Mr. Bates," Carson instructed as he vacated the same chair. In Carson's arms was Elizabeth. She'd grown and changed even in the short time John had been sick. It stung to see her so content with Mr. Carson, even if he was her adopted grandpa.

"Hello," John smiled at the baby. At the sound of her father's voice, Elizabeth's face lit up and she started to gurgle and coo. John reached out for her, careful of her neck, even though Anna assured him that Elizabeth was able to support her own head at last. When Elizabeth was secure in her father's arms, she did it. She smiled at him. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

Anna reached down and adjusted Elizabeth's dress, "I told you she'd remember you."

John looked up at Anna and added his own smile to their daughter's. Tom grabbed a stool and brought it closer to John's chair so he could elevate his leg.

John hated all the attention, but it was good to be home at last surrounded by family and friends.

The party lasted until after tea time. Mrs. Patmore and Daisy made sure there was plenty of food left over to last the family a few days. John wouldn't be going back to the house to work for at least another week. Instead, Robert would bring the work to him.

That night, John read bedtime stories in his chair with Maggie on his good leg and Johnny on a pillow at his feet. Elizabeth was taking a bottle from Anna, John would rock her while Anna tucked the older children into their beds. The stairs to their rooms would not be in the cards for John for a while yet.

The children were excited, but they went down easily enough. They had barely slept the night before they were so excited that their father would be coming home. It only took Anna about thirty minutes to do the entire routine.

Elizabeth was sound asleep in her father's arms when Anna came down. Gently, Anna took the baby and placed her in her bassinet in the bedroom before joining John in the living room.

They were finally alone. Completely alone. There was so much they needed to say to one another, but neither one spoke. They each sat in silence, Anna with mending and John with a book, though he wasn't reading it.

Anna was about to speak and get the ball rolling when John reached for the crutches and began to push himself into the standing position. "I'm tired, I think I'll go and lie down."

Anna looked down at her hands, "You still won't tell me the truth, will you? I thought we had moved past this point. I was guilty of it too, I admit it, but I thought the time for secrets was past us."

John sighed. "Anna, I am tired, that's all it is. I have been ill, I've been in hospital for three weeks with people around me every moment. I want to sleep. There's no hidden meaning in that."

"Alright, then go to sleep," Anna replied. "Good night, Mr. Bates."

John slowly made his way to the bedroom, but he stopped halfway there. He turned around and went back to the sitting room where Anna was still working on one of Johnny's shirts.

"I won't be able to go to sleep if we don't talk," John sighed. "And I know you won't either. So, let me just say I am sorry for not telling you about going to Dr. Clarkson regarding my knee and my back. I didn't think he'd tell me it was anything more than just time wearing on an old man's body."

Anna sighed. So that was the reason, whether he knew it or not. His old fears come to light. "John, you're older, yes, but not old. I wish you didn't say such things, that makes you believe them."

"I believe the truth, Anna," John sighed. "Anyway, once I found out it was actually a "condition" causing the pain, you were about to go into labor with Elizabeth. I came home from that appointment and you were kneeling on the floor. What was I supposed to say?"

"I'll concede that point," Anna sighed "John, come sit down. Sit with me, don't stand away. Even if we are angry with one another, we are still in love, and that has to be the priority for us."

"It always is," John said quickly. "You and our children are my top priorities, over myself, over business, over all of it. I love you, Anna, and to add a burden on you when you had just given birth, and surgically I might add, when there was nothing we could do, it wasn't right. It wasn't fair."

"So you took it all on yourself and got yourself in hospital, scaring me, scaring the children…even scaring his lordship. We thought we were going to lose you. I sat at your bedside while you burned with fever and talked nonsense for days, John! I want to help you, I want to be your partner, but you don't include me. I thought we were done with that. I thought we were done with alienating one another!"

"I'm sorry it was so hard on you," John replied. He moved to sit beside Anna on the settee. She quickly jumped up to get the stool for him to put his leg up. "I truly am. I know what it feels like to nearly lose you as well. We both came close to living our worst nightmares in the last three months, because my darling, I couldn't go on without you. I'd survive for the children, but I'd never really live."

Anna reached out and touched John's cheek. "I know you thought you were doing the right thing. I was in a fragile place physically after Elizabeth, and then to find out she was having some problems, I understand why, but do you understand, John?"

John took Anna's hand and held it, running his thumb along the back. "Do I understand what, love? Do I understand why you thought I was drinking again? Yes, I do."

"I don't know how you even know that's what I thought," Anna confessed.

"I know you," John countered. "When you wouldn't come to me directly about what happened that night with Margaret Mary, I knew what you thought happened. You thought I'd snapped and lost control because of the drink, when all the time it was…"

"Pain," Anna sighed. "All the time you were running up and down steps, back and forth to the abbey, fetching and carrying for me, and you were in pain and more than what we were used to all these years. I feel horrible. I thought you were drinking, John, but there was so much upset and anguish, I'd have understood if you had slipped."

"Well, I didn't," John replied. "And I'm not angry or upset that you thought it. I'm upset, I'm hurt that you didn't talk to me about it. You talked to someone else, I know now it was Mr. Carson and Robert was going to be involved. You could have come right to me and asked. I'd never have lied."

"I am ever so sorry, John," Anna murmured. "I should have had more faith in you, but you should have had more faith in me. I'm not going to cut and run because you are getting older and are having a problem. I'm going to be there no matter what happens. I'm not going to break my vow to you. I love you so much, I could never."

John leaned down and touched his forehead to Anna's. "I love you too. It's frightening, passing 60 with you still so young…It didn't feel as difficult when I was 43 and you were 26. I don't ever want to be a burden, Anna, and I'm afraid I will be as this thing goes on."

"You can never be," Anna assured him. "Not ever. So let's make a promise here and now. No matter what we're frightened of, no matter how crazy the notion, we have to talk. No backsliding. No secrets. Do you promise?"

John slipped his hand behind Anna's neck and pulled her in for a gentle kiss before whispering against her mouth, "I promise."