"Wotcher, Sirius," Tonks said cheerily, as her couisn let her into the dark hallway of the house, neatly steering past the troll foot umbrella stand before she could come to misadventure with it. Her electric blue hair was like a beacon amidst the gloom. "How're things?"
"Much as usual," Sirius's tone was sardonic, as dark as the house. "Lots of prowling around the house, reading old newspapers, using most of my energy on resisting the urge to kill Snape. To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?"
Tonks didn't show any particular pleasure at his deliberate use of the word we, suggesting that Sirius was not alone in the house (she knew that he didn't count Kreacher); but then again, she was an auror.
"Got the afternoon off in lieu, because of all that overtime I've been doing. Thought I'd come and hang out with my favourite cousin. Help him plot Snape's demise, maybe. I brought beer and pizza."
Sirius was smiling now, although there was still a bitter gleam to his grin.
"What have you been up to, then?" he asked her, smoothly taking the pizza box from her hands just before she lost her grip on them as they went through to the parlour.
"Much as usual, too," Tonks winked, opening a beer bottle with her teeth and passing it to him. "Hunting endlessly for the Wizarding World's most wanted Azkaban-escapee - we think he's in Ireland, now, by the way. Living his best life in an abandoned castle having orgies wirh banshees."
Sirius barked with laughter and shook his long dark hair back from his face. "Glad to hear it." He picked up a slice of pizza and stretched the cheese as far is it would go before breaking, before snapping at the long line of cheese with his teeth.
"But I've been pulled into other projects quite a lot, too, hence all the overtime. Been quite nice doing regular stuff for a change, like a little reminder of how my life used to be before the Order. Just mooching around, catching baddies, breaking hearts, all that stuff."
"Do you miss it?"
"'What, getting enough sleep, having free time to go out with my friends or on the pull, no worries other than the every day danger of my job? 'Course I do!" They ate in silence for a while. Then she added, "Wouldn't change it, though."
Sirius grinned. Then a more sombre expression appeared on his face.
"Look, talking of breaking hearts. We need to talk about Remus."
"Remus Lupin?"
"No, one of the fourteen other Remuses we know. Of course Remus Lupin."
Tonks sighed and swirled her beer around in its bottle. "I've sort of been expecting this. Go on, then. Do your worst."
Sirius started.
"I know that you know, all right?" Tonks said. "I reckon you've known for a while. So go on, give me your speech."
"I've suspected for a while. I only knew for certain yesterday when I was looking for something in his room and I found some neon yellow underwear which I'm pretty sure isn't his style."
"Ah, I wondered where that'd gone."
"Listen, Tonks, I've known Lupin for about as long as you've been alive. Over 20 years."
"Yup, you're both dead old. Got it."
Sirius narrowed his eyes and Tonks laughed. "That's not exactly the point that I was trying to make."
"Wasn't it? All right, then. Was your point that he's an outcast from society, he's never had steady employment that's lasted more than a year, probably never will do, that he's regularly a danger to himself and anyone close to him?"
"I was probably going to cover some of that, yeah."
"Gotcha. Sirius, I appreciate your cousinly concern but I've heard all that and more from Remus himself, several times. Like I keep telling him, I'm a grown woman, I've had a lot of experience and I'm a professional auror. I know what I'm doing, and I'm not about to get hurt. Which is more than I can say for you, if you don't keep your nose out of my business."
Despite himself, Sirius laughed at this. But he also said, surprisingly, "Of course you're not going to get hurt. You're a total bad ass, and you've got that Black blood in you. The point is, is Remus? Or rather, when is Remus going to get hurt, and how badly?"
Tonks paused mid-chew, her pizza slice still to her mouth. "Look," Sirius continued, "I know you're a woman of the world, Tonks. I think it's great, to be clear. Good for you. If my life has taught me anything, it's that you really need to get your kicks where you can, because you never know when you might get locked up for 13 years. But Remus isn't - it's not fair, Tonks. Pick someone else."
It was Tonks' eyes which narrowed now, and an outside observer might have been able to detect a family resemblance for the first time.
"What are you implying?"
"Look, honestly, I get it. Eat, screw and be merry for tomorrow we die. Merlin knows, I would if I could. But Remus isn't- he's my oldest friend. My only friend." There was something desperately sad about the way that Sirius said this. "Don't play with him, Tonks. His heart can't take it."
Tonks exhaled softly with an exaggerated display of patience. "So you're telling me he's got a heart defect? Because I've got to tell you, I've seen him doing very strenuous activity recently and he's seemed to be unharmed. If anything he's got quite an extraordinary stamina."
"I am literally begging you not to go into any more detail", Sirius shuddered and took another swig of beer. "And you know that isn't what I mean."
"All right. So you think I'm just messing about, having a bit of fun with your tortured werewolf pal because I fancy getting my rocks off and he's the closest person handy with the right equipment?"
"Like I said, I don't blame you," Sirius responded quickly. "If it was anyone but Remus I'd say, have at it, little cousin. But - look, I've seen the way he looks at you. He isn't messing about, and I have to stand back and watch a lot of shit go down at the moment but I will not watch that man get hurt anymore than life already hurts him."
To his surprise, Tonks leaned across the sofa and enveloped him in a vigorous hug. When she released him, she gave him a hearty thump on the arm.
"Ow! Mixed messages, Tonks," Sirius objected.
"Well, I love you for caring about him enough to have this massively awkward conversation, and for not patronisingly trying to warn me off him for my own good, but I'm pissed off that you think I'm some kind of - I dunno - philanderer who's just using him. Has it honestly not occurred to you that I'm in love with him?"
Sirius's surprised silence was answer enough, and it earned him another thump. "Right, well now I'm offended on his behalf as well!" He was half-heartedly defending himself from a barrage of subsequent thumps when the door opened.
"Ah, hello, Tonks. Nice to see you, I thought I'd heard the door."
"S'all right, Remus," Tonks said, holding out a beer bottle towards him and shifting along the sofa to make room for him. "He knows."
Lupin went pale. "He - ah - knows what, exactly?" he enquired cautiously.
"Y'know, you and me." Tonks' tone was casual but Lupin froze on the spot. He swallowed and turned his gaze to Sirius, as though bracing himself for an attack.
"Sirius - I know, I'm not - that I have nothing to offer her - believe me, there's nothing that you can say that I haven't told myself, that I haven't said to her a thousand times."
"Yeah, Tonks told me," Sirius matched Tonks' casual tone, and the corners of his mouth twitched. "Sounds a bit annoying, to be honest. And it also sounds like you've got quite a bit to offer."
Tonks snorted and gave Sirius another thump. Lupin's mouth was open. "Look," said Sirius, standing up. "Obviously you don't need my blessing, but you've got it, for what it's worth. Just - make sure your silencing charms are top notch, for the love of Godric." He leaned across and gave a still immobile Lupin a sideways hug, then held out his other arm to include Tonks. After a minute he let them go.
"All right, that's enough weirdness for one day," he said, picking up a few slices of pizza and making for the door. "I'm off to see if Buckbeak likes pizza. Back in about half an hour." And with a grin, he left them together.