Today's the 20th anniversary of So the Drama. That's a date I couldn't allow to go by without something, but I didn't want to write just another plain ol' So The Drama story. The kernel of that something has been flying around in my head for a while now, and it boils down to You're So Lame.
You're So Lame
"Excuse me," she said in such a way that only a room temperature IQ could misinterpret.
"Oh, you're excused. While you're gone, I'll hang with Monique."
The audacity. Brick was ditching her. Shamelessly. She hadn't prepared for this, her night had just gotten worse and her humiliation was all but certain.
"Me like," Monique said. As much as Bonnie would have liked to punch her there and then, being Queen entailed maintaining an air of superiority – and eschewing physical altercations. Brick was as dumb as one, Bonnie deserved better, she was entitled to better anyway. So what if she now had no date? The potential suitors were the real losers of this situation.
Speaking of losers. Middleton's most obnoxious couple of losers showed up at the door. And there was a collective gasp.
"It finally happened," the words flowed directly from Bonnie's thoughts and out her mouth. "She's dating that loser." Bonnie couldn't have asked for better timing – the grand entrance, the whole 'ditching a fine date for a loser' thing, the obvious publicity stunt Possible had just pulled. She was going to get knocked down the food chain, straight into the basement. "Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating?!" Bonnie shouted into the hall, feigning surprise to garner additional sympathy to her cause. Finally, she laughed out loud, in the most demonstratively mocking way she knew.
The silence lasted for a moment too long. The crowd was supposed to join her mockery, what was taking them so long?
Then, the unthinkable.
The crowd cheered.
The crowd cheered for Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable.
The crowd had just crowned Middleton High's newest power couple. Against all of Bonnie's influence.
Unbelievable.
Bonnie retreated off to the side, to plan her next move. She couldn't allow Possible to steal the spotlight…
Munch munch munch
She had to do something, if her position at the top of the food chain was to be preserved…
Munch munch munch
Of course the DJ just had to play a slow song. Just begging…
Munch munch munch
…for those two to make a scene in the middle of the dance floor…
Munch munch munch
Finally, Bonnie looked around and saw that Brick was the source of the ever-so-irritating chewing sounds. He was loudly chomping down on something and positioned himself so as to be associated with Bonnie. Things were just going from bad to worse. And now the loser couple was making out. Disgustingly predictable. She needed to take drastic action.
Bonnie made her way to the DJ's desk and slipped him a note she had quickly scribbled. He nodded and gave her a wireless microphone. The loser couple's song was about to end, and the DJ faded it into a rhythm of cymbals and electric bass. A few seconds later, the piano joined in. Time to shine.
"You losers walked into the prom like you were walking onto a yacht,
Your hands strategically linked between you,
Your action it challenged me.
You dared me to speak up against you, so that we could settle it."
The crowd had started to notice what was going on, and the tech guys were kind enough to give Bonnie a literal spotlight worthy of her stage presence.
"And all the girls stood there awaiting my judgement,
Awaiting my judgement and…
"You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you,
You're so lame (you're so lame),
I'll bet you think this night is about you,
Don't you? Don't you?"
Bonnie had the crowd's attention, but it wasn't clear that her message was coming across. Still, there was no backing down.
"They cheered you just a minute ago, well they are still quite naïve.
Well, they say that you make such a pretty pair, and that he would never leave.
But I ridicule the things they say.
You won't make a fool of me.
"You had some dreams, they were clouds in your coffee,
Clouds in your coffee and,
"You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you,
You're so lame (you're so lame),
I'll bet you think this night is about you,
Don't you? Don't you?"
Bonnie used the break that the instrumental gave her to get a better look at what was going on. The cheer squad and their dates were moving along to the song, if not outright dancing. It was better than nothing, a start.
"Your fantasies are nothing but clouds in your coffee,
Clouds in your coffee and,
"You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you,
You're so lame (you're so lame),
I'll bet you think this night is about you,
Don't you? Don't you?
"Well, I hear you went up to battle your foe,
And your team naturally won.
Then you flew some Learjet right back to the prom,
You just had to come and ruin our night.
Well, you're in my hair all the time,
And when you're not,
You're like some underworld spy or really just a loser,
Really just a loser and,
"You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you,
You're so lame (you're so lame),
I'll bet you think this night is about you,
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?
"You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you,
You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you,
You're so lame.
You probably think this night is about you…
"You're so lame (you're so lame),
I'll bet you think this night is about you,
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?"
There was silence as the song faded out, then someone started the wave of applause. But that someone was not at all who Bonnie had expected. Possible and Stoppable were actually leading the applause? Bonnie was stupefied; the crowd's attention turned inwards as the DJ played another upbeat dance track. Her ultimate move had backfired?
"Hey Bon-Bon," Stoppable said as he got far too close to Bonnie, seemingly making a point of having his arm around his girlfriend. "We wanted to thank you for your kind gesture…"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"The song," Kim replied. "We're honored that you would write us a song –"
"Even though it was just new lyrics," Ron interjected, "people underestimate how hard it is to write lyrics! Although I'm not sure 'yacht' rhymes with 'challenged me'…"
"Yeah… So thanks, Bonnie. It means a lot to us that you'd put in so much effort."
"So much effort…" Ron added, "You probably had the whole thing sketched out, just waiting for us to get together."
"Guess you've been our number one cheerleader all along, Bon-Bon."
The façade hadn't dropped, but it shifted. Possible's actually taunting me!
The happy couple did not stick around long enough for Bonnie to actually come up with an answer. She was far too shocked by the events of the past half hour to verbally spar with them.
"Hey Bonnie," Bonnie heard the sweetest voice in Middleton High behind her, as a hand touched her shoulder. She turned around. "That was such a nice gift for Kim and Ron, aren't they just the sweetest couple?" Tara, who should be enforcing the food chain, was once again borderline sabotaging it.
"I expected you, of all people, to be pissed at how this night has gone…"
"I was kinda bummed, but then I saw how happy they looked together," was Tara's unbearably upbeat answer. "Hey, does this mean that you technically won the pool?"
The pool… There was a long-running bet on when Possible and Stoppable would hook up. On a whim, Bonnie had put down twenty bucks on "junior prom", and now she stood to win big – assuming Rieger hadn't skimmed too much off the top.
"Wait…" Tara said, "Did you set them up? This was just too perfect!"
Bonnie gave her friend a mischievous smile. She saw a way of salvaging the situation, though her improv skills would have to go uncredited.
"You said it yourself, Tara. Too perfect."
This was a bit challenging to write, on a purely technical level. The ancillary bits came together easily enough, but the song needed a few iterations to match the rhythm of You're So Vain, especially because I foolishly thought I could get away with not looking at the sheet music. Spoiler alert: once I did, I immediately understood rationally why my intuition was telling me that my lyrics just weren't working. In terms of time spent per word written, this is probably at the top of anything I've written so far.
On a different note, at the time of publishing, there are already two other fics celebrating the 20th anniversary of So The Drama, Glimmers of you and me by anaadiffy; and The Rest of Our Lives, by NerdsinaTree. Go give them a read if you haven't already.