Subaru scratched his head. Why? He didn't quite know. Maybe he was nervous, maybe his longing to feel something had forced his hand.
What he did know, was that as he was scratching his head, gray hair was falling out. Not black, not white, but gray.
It was actually a good development. Previously, his hair used to go completely white. If it was only gray now, this meant his mental state had recovered somewhat.
The fact that it was falling out was a problem, but eh, whatever. He could care less.
With a deep breath, he opened the door. The familiar interior of his house greeted him, along with two people sitting at the table, eating their meal.
Both of them turned to him in unison, and froze.
Subaru noted that both of his parents looked tired and had signs of malnutrition. Even after only two months, they were already in such a bad state. The bags under their eyes were so big, that he concluded they haven't slept properly for three days at the least.
Subaru shivered. He realized that he did not feel much towards the poor state of his parents. He was just observing their state, looking at it like it was some kind of statistic in a game rather than reality. His humanity was steadily growing further away.
"S-Subaru?"
His father was the first to recover from the shock.
The voice sounded weak. His father, who used to feel like the strongest person in the world, now looked and sounded like a child who lost his parents.
But he shouldn't analyze all of these things too much. He came here to feel emotions, and you don't get emotions by being analytic.
"Yes, it's me... dad."
His mother ran up to him and hugged him immediately. Her speed surprised Subaru, even if only a little bit. His father was not far behind. Only a second after his mother hugged him, his father joined in on the hug too.
Subaru hugged them back, hoping to alleviate their pains somewhat.
No words were spoken. Only the sound of crying was heard in the Natsuki house for the next half hour.
Despite the intense reaction of his parents, Subaru didn't feel anything. It was a scary thought to have, and it made him all the more angry at the person who forced him to become like this.
How could he not be angry? Even his love for his parents was compromised because of the loop.
He will get his revenge no matter how long it took - his resolve was reinforced once more.
After both of his parents calmed down, they started... stalling, for lack of a better word.
Instead of talking with him right then and there, they first phoned the police to tell them the situation.
After that was done, an awkward silence descended. Subaru could understand how they felt.
Even though they were really happy about him being back... how are you even supposed to start a conversation in this situation?
Well, ask Kenichi. He walked up to Subaru and started roughly ruffling his hair with a smirk.
"You bastard. Where were you gone the last two months? Did you think it was a good idea to leave your parents alone? Guess I haven't raised you properly."
Then, he hugged Subaru from the back.
"I'm still really glad you're back. Just please don't disappear like that again, promise me that."
Subaru smiles wryly. He... hates promises. Not just making them, but everything about them.
Because at the end of it all, any promises he is given or he gives, they all disappear. Gone.
Like they never existed in the first place.
All of that hurts him. It hurts him beyond belief. In fact, interacting with anyone, getting to know anyone, is painful.
He knows pretty much every person in the capital of Lugunica personally... but they don't. The pain of talking with someone who doesn't remember you... it's beyond words.
That's why he stopped talking with anyone. Even in the last restart where he made everyone happy, he only talked with a select few people, and at that, they were completely new for him.
He just manipulated events from the shadows, until Emilia won out and everyone was happy.
Just in case that would've been the final loop, he made some friends, found a random girl, had a family with her and died of old age.
But there's no need to think about all of that. He was talking with his parents right now. And even though making this promise would be useless...
"Yes, dad. I promise."
If that was going to reassure his parents even a little bit, he would endure the small bit of pain that comes with making an empty promise.
Both his dad and mom smiled and started crying again. They quickly wiped away their tears though and looked at him.
"Where... even were you? We searched for you everywhere, but still couldn't find you."
At that, Subaru smiled and raised his palm. Then, suddenly, a flame burst from that palm. After the flame came ice, water, earth and even a small tornado.
"Mom, dad. I got summoned to another world."
The entire rooms gets shrowded in darkness. But this darkness didn't feel opressive, instead, it felt warm and welcoming.
Slowly, lights started flickering into existence. Before they noticed it, they were in the night sky, surrounded by stars in all directions. -Or that was the illusion Subaru was going for, anyway.
His parents looked around in wonder, completely awestruck.
This time around his mother was the first to regain her calm. Probably because his father was trying to find any stars or constellations he recognized.
"So you were... summoned to another world? Honestly, it feels unreal, but I can't dismiss everything I'm seeing right now. I guess we can't blame you for leaving us, then."
His mother now looks relieved, but his father's gaze instead turns serious and forebording.
"Wait, I doubt this is something you can learn in two months. And not only that, you have... gray hair."
Kenichi's eyes widen in horror.
"Subaru, don't tell me... is this a Narnia situation?! Have you lived for years while only months passed here?!"
Subaru chuckles. His father wasn't right, but wasn't wrong either.
Unfortunately, Subaru can't tell anyone about his loops. If he does, he just goes all the way to the start. So, he would just have to lie.
"Yes, it is. In fact, I'm about 10,000 years old."
Two lies. He said two lies right there.
His parents' jaws hit the earth. -That was the correct saying, right?
"T-ten thousand years?"
Subaru nods.
"But that's not the worst part. I'm... immortal, or very close to it at least, but the others around me are not the same. So I've had many friends and I've lost many friends. I've loved a lot and I've been heartbroken a lot. At this point, people seem to be born and die so fast that it is maddening. Weeks pass by in a literal blink. After gathering enough knowledge... I decided to see you two."
Both of his parents looked at him with horror in their eyes.
'Right. Of course they'd be afraid of a 10,000 year old freak of natu―'
His mother hugged him.
'...Huh?'
"You must've suffered so much, my Subaru. I... I can't even begin to comprehend what you went through, but if my existence can bring some peace of mind for you... that'd be enough for me."
Subaru's eyes widened. At the same time, he felt an arm patting his back.
"What, you think something has changed just because you're old now? Ha! You're nothing but senile, that's all that means. You're still our Subaru, and you're still our son. Nothing will change that."
Subaru felt... nothing. Once again, he felt nothing.
He did not feel reassured, he did not feel happy. He didn't feel like crying from this heartwrenching scene.
'If I can't feel happy... then at least I'll feel guilty.'
"Mom, dad. I killed millions to get here, you know?"
All movement stopped and the atmosphere immediately shifted.
"Dimensional travel is not something easy, nor is it cheap. I had to sacrifice about 2% of the world's humans to get here."
His mother separated from him and looked him in the eyes.
"You are... kidding, right?"
Her voice was filled with dread. She couldn't accept an outcome like this.
She couldn't accept the fact that her own son had become a monster.
Subaru looked at her - or maybe even through her - and with not even the slightest bit of hesitation said―
"No."
The emotions that went through her face couldn't be described. And it's not like he could observe her further before his father grabbed him by the collar and raised him to be on eye level with his father.
"What the hell do you mean you sacrificed people to get here?! Why?!"
Subaru didn't react at all and just continued talking with an impassive expression.
"What does it matter? The birth rate is good, those people will be replaced in about a hundred years if not less. Besides, why should I care about them? I don't know them, I don't have a reason to care about them."
Kenichi's mouth opened... but no words came out. First came the realization, then the horror, and then, the dread.
His son has become a monster, and there was nothing he could do about it. Subaru was immortal, he would just outlive these memories, outlive him, outlive quite literally everything.
Nothing he could say would save his son. Nothing he could do would actually matter.
But, he wouldn't give up either. If only just for another hundred years, he had to make his son see reason again.
He gave his son a headbut containing all his might.
"Subaru, are you stupid?! No, you are stupid! Those people have families! They have lives! They are important! They are not just percents or some kind of numbers on documents! Just think about it, if we died, would you feel sad? Now times that by a million! That's the amount of sadness you inflicted upon the world! Don't you dare say just 2% next time around, YOU HEAR ME?!"
Subaru just stared at his father for a second... and smiled. But it was not a mad smile or a happy smile. It was... a sad one.
"I'm glad you're trying, dad... but it's useless. I've long forgotten how to feel sad, so I don't know how much pain I inflicted upon the world."
But contrary to what Subaru expected, his father didn't give up or continue yelling at him. Instead, he just looked him straight in the eyes and said―
"That's it."
Subaru raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"What do you mean "that's it"?"
"The way you smiled, the way you thought right then and there, don't forget about it. You might have forgotten what it is like to feel sad, but you remember feeling sad, you remembering losing the people you care about, back when you haven't lost your emotions. Use that to dictate your actions."
'...Not bad.'
His father was smart, he knew that already, but only now did Subaru realize just how smart he was.
It only took his father a minute to realize what took him hundreds of years to.
But...
...
He still did not feel anything.
Even after his parents crying for over half an hour. Even after being chastised by his parents, even after putting his mom in the depths of despair and his dad to the depths of dread... he did not feel anything.
Why... why could he not feel anything? This is... so unfair.
'I hate this. I hate all of this. Why can I not even feel sad anymore? This is bullshit.'
It was at that moment that his father wiped away his tear.
'...Huh?'
Yes, he understood that right. His father had wiped away a tear that appeared on his face.
He had... cried.
No more tears followed, nor did Subaru sob, but that didn't matter. Just one tear was enough.
For the first time in a long, long, long while. Subaru genuinely smiled.
'I'm still me. I'm still human. I'm still alive.'
He will get his revenge, he will regain his mortality, he will keep his humanity, he will escape the loop and he will enjoy the beauty of the world.
He will win.