Zoe entered the hold to find Mal sitting on the steps, chin in hand. He seemed to be studying the blue crate.
"Inara didn't have tongs to spare, but I got one that may work," she said.
"No matter, he found his."
"She said she wanted in on this tea time, too."
Mal straightened up, putting his hands on his knees. He shook his head. "I s'pose she would," he said, standing. "Not a lot I can say to that." He jerked a thumb at the crate. "His ship, anyway."
Zoe looked at him a moment longer, then back over at the item indicated.
"Sir," she said, "are you sure that there aren't fumes from whatever he's been doing in there that might..."
"Make me seein' things like I did?" Mal smiled wearily. "Sounds downright reasonable. Trouble is, what's been goin' on just ain't. Here, I'll show you."
He strode over to the box and knocked on the door. It came open. He stepped back, motioning toward the doorwa. "See for yourself."
Zoe stared into the doorway a long moment. She finally stepped forward, reaching in a ways, then backing out to look to either side of the crate. She then stepped fully inside.
A few seconds passed, and she stepped out.
"圣洁屁," she said.
Mal shrugged. "Told ya," he said. "Wonder what Inara will make o' it, though." Privately, he hoped it would shock her enough to drop her professional Companion calm. That was always fun.
They heard a door open inside, and looked in to see the Doctor emerge from a far portal into the main white room. "The tea's on, finally," he said. "I found some biscuits, but I rather doubt their age."
Mal looked over at the Doctor, and flinched.
"Doctor... what is that for?" said Zoe.
"Hm? Oh, this?" The Doctor hefted a gleaming rapier.
He flipped it about in a complicated slash - guard - advance maneuver toward the hatstand by the main doors, then examined it again.
"Found it in one of the cupboards, behind the good plates. I'm not really sure how it got there. I could have sworn I would have stored it in the library, or perhaps the umbrella stand..." he stared off in thought a moment, then shook his head.
"Never mind that, it certainly won't be joining us for tea."
He set the sword aside, then fixed eyes with Zoe.
"Uh, what?" Mal looked at him uncertainly.
"I'd appreciate it if your second-in-command would take her hand off her pistol," the Doctor said.
Mal looked over. "Zoe."
"Sir."
"It's okay, really. He put it down. I'm fine."
"Sir." Her hand didn't budge. No change of expression either.
"The man's unarmed-"
He suddenly went still, his face blank. He took a deep breath.
"Incoming!" he bellowed.
Zoe's whole body jerked, "Wh-"
"桶猴子, Zoe, what's the matter with you?" said Mal, grabbing her arm. "You're bein' downright odd, don't ya think?"
She released the butt of her pistol and shook her head before looking him in the eye. "Sorry, sir."
The Doctor looked between the two of them, a wary expression on his face. "What exactly is the problem here?" he said.
Zoe took another look around the white room, then massaged her temples. "It just feels wrong," she said. "I don't know, out of plumb. Dangerous."
The Doctor seemed to consider this. "Heightened spacial sense," he said. "Yes, I suppose that could be it. Sorry if it's a bit disorienting, but-"
"Whaddya mean?" said Mal.
"Well, it is a TARDIS, of course, and-"
"Hold on, I thought that's what its name was," said Mal. "What's that mean?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the Doctor. "I don't know what came over me - it's one of the first things I usually tell people about my ship. It's an acronym. It stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space - TARDIS."
"Huh," said Mal.
"Time?" said Zoe. "So... you're saying that not only is this bigger on the inside, it travels in time?"
"Correct," said the Doctor, looking pleased and a bit smug. "Space, as well."
Zoe looked skeptical.
He coughed rubbed the back of his neck.
"Are you going to be all right? I mean, I could just bring the tea to your ship's galley, if you're still having trouble-"
"I'll be fine," she said. "Just takes a little getting used to is all."
Book walked back in with the empty tray and set it down on the counter.
Wash and Kaylee were deep in concentration over their game of weiqi(1), while Jayne sat on the other end of the table, cleaning and reassembling the pieces of one of his handguns with a painstaking precision.
He didn't seem too happy about this exercise; he kept muttering something about 'engine grease' and ' 跳动的三文鱼 stowaways' under his breath.
"Argh, you got me!" said Wash, as Kaylee placed another piece, capturing five of his at a single stroke. "How are you beating me again?"
"It's all in the wrists," said Kaylee, grinning and swiveling her hands. "I see all the bits. None escape my eagle eye!"
"Well, putting your bits together is your thing," said Wash. He immediately clapped a hand over his mouth.
From across the table, Jayne didn't bother to suppress a snort of laughter.
Kaylee flushed, then turned eagerly toward Book as he walked over.
"Shepherd!" said Kaylee. "Did they take the food? Why haven't they been to mealtime so much? I missed out on meetin' them!"
Book held up his hands, and smiled "Don't worry, they're fine," he said. "They told me that they'll be going straight to work when they arrive, and won't be able to see each other much. They're making up for that lost time now."
"Ya seem awful cool 'bout that kinda thing, Shepherd," said Jayne. "No disapprovin' looks or preachin' hellfire?"
"They are man and wife," said Book, spreading his hands. "As far as what they do with each other, pretty much anything is allowed."
Jayne pondered this. "Anythin', huh?"
Wash smiled, a dreamy look on his face. "Ah, to be newly wed again," he said.
"Hell," said Jayne, "I don't think you n' Zoe've slowed down since."
It was Wash's turn to blush, though his smile stayed where it was. He turned his attention back to the game.
A couple of minutes later, Jayne gathered up the half-finished pieces of the gun and stood up.
"I'll be in my bunk."
He started to walk away, but Book laid a hand on his arm.
"Hunh?"
"Leave them be."
Jayne blinked, then frowned. "Shoot, I weren't gonna innerupt them or nothin'-"
Book's hand didn't budge. Jayne stared down at it, then glared at him. He brought his face down close to the Shepherd's.
"First Mal, then you," he said. "Don't know me all that well. Ya really think I'd mess with another man's gettin' his..." He shook his head.
He stood back up. "I'll be in my bunk," he said, in a surly tone. "Light's better there anyway." He yanked his arm away from Book's grip and stalked out the door.
Book turned to find both Wash and Kaylee looking at him.
"The man has hidden depths," he said, and shrugged.
"I wouldn't know," said Wash. "I really prefer staying in the shallow end. Less chance of sharks and other dread beasties."
"Aw, don't worry 'bout him," said Kaylee. "He's just lonely and everyone's been yelling at him. He'll cheer up, you'll see."
"Well, plenty of drinking and loose women at our next stop - he should perk right up," said Wash. He stood up. "And on that note, I'd better get back to flyin' this thing. We should be nearly there."
"Ooh, I'd better get going too!" said Kaylee. She jumped up and darted past Book toward the engine room.
"This corridor looks the same as the last one," said Inara, eying the long hall before them. Like the last, it was lined with doors, and had lights in tasteful sconces hung between each.
"Are you sure you got the directions right?"
" 'Course I got them right!" Mal said. He frowned in irritation. "How was I s'posed to know there'd be this much ground to cover?"
He ran over the Doctor's hurried directions in his head again. Down, take the third door, left two corridors, down the stairs, and five doors again. He said it would then be on their left.
Only, instead of a door, they had found another corridor.
"It hardly seems real that there would be the space for all of us in this... whatever it is, let alone all this!" said Inara, sounding worried. "I don't like the idea of getting lost in here."
"Well, nothin' for it," said Mal. "Guess we should retrace our steps." He turned to Zoe. "You remember how we came in?"
Zoe shook her head. "No idea, sir. This place is murder on my sense of direction."
Mal stared off for a moment, thinking.
"I think I can do this," he said."Follow me."
He led the way back along the twists and turns, studying the floors and carpets in search of footprints or at least worn areas that showed heavy use. Finally, they came to a door that seemed a bit more ornate than some of the others.
Mal smiled. "All right, now I'm sure of it. We're here." He opened the door.
"Awfully dark in there, sir," said Zoe, peering in. "Wouldn't he at least have left the lights on for us?"
"You saw him - he's still trying to get the tea things ready n' all. Prob'ly hasn't had a chance to get down here yet." He smirked. "Makes ya feel any better, I'll go an' turn 'em on myself."
He strolled on in, followed by Inara's admonitions to 'be careful'. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the gloom.
"Huh."
Either he was having eye trouble, or this darkness was somehow deeper than he thought. He stepped forward, making sure not to bump anything, hands outstretched.
He was just about to call in Zoe to give him a hand, when his foot turned against something heavy. He teetered a moment-
"Whoa!"
He shot his hands ahead to break his fall, but suddenly found surprisingly little resistance-
SPLOOSH.
"There you are! I thought I gave you the right - oh, dear."
They must have been a sight, but Mal didn't care. He was more'n a little put out. He noted, though, that he was drippin' all over some mighty fine looking carpet. That should do for a start.
"Ya could have warned us, ya know," he said.
"Well, I thought you would follow my directions!" snapped the Doctor. "I didn't think you would go and fall into the swimming pool!"
Mal looked down at the sorry state of his outfit, then back at the other two.
"I'm thinkin' I'm gonna have to decline your invite for now," he said, turning back to the Doctor.
"Yes, I suppose you're right. I'll take you back."
They followed the Doctor back down the twisting corridors, emerging at last in the large white room.
"Perhaps another time?" said the Doctor.
"Maybe," said Mal.
"I'd certainly enjoy the opportunity," said Inara. "This place is truly a miracle of rare device."
"Sam Coleridge," said the Doctor with a smile. "Yes, he certainly could turn a phrase. It's too bad he had to be stopped from finishing that poem; I hope he eventually forgave me." He chuckled.
"You're most welcome to visit again, but I would appreciate more of an advance warning to set everything up. I'm sure you would too."
"I'll be sure to take you up on that," said Inara.
Mal glanced over at her, starting to open his mouth, but she shot him a warning look. He closed it.
Simon was making his way from his quarters with River, when Mal shoved by him. He was about to protest, when he suddenly found his sleeve soaked through.
He looked over to see the trail Mal was leaving behind, as well as the captain's rather bedraggled appearance.
"What - where'd all this water come from?"
"Captain fell into the Doctor's swimming pool," said Zoe, pushing past him.
Simon stared after them in confusion. "What - how is that-"
Beside him, River suddenly brightened up, and grinned.
"He has a pool? Priority change. Must get floaty things!"
"River, wait-" Simon stopped and sighed. She had already taken off toward the hold.
"Right," he said to himself "I'll catch up to her there. I just hope she doesn't cause too much trouble."
(1)weiqi - a strategy board game more commonly known in the West as Go.