CH 11 - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

[WHAT IF: Finn walked in on QUICK while they were busy making Beth? OOOO... let's find out!]

"Oh my god, Finn!"

"Been called a lotta names in bed before babe, but that ain't one of 'em... but hey, if role play's your thing I could—"

Quinn slapped the bald side of the mohawked head attached to the idiot who was still sucking at her neck and groping her naked chest in an effort to get his attention. "Shut up you jerk! Not you, FINN Finn!" she squeaked and pointed behind him.

"Fuck."

Puck pulled his head up to see six feet and three inches of blank-faced, deer-caught-in-the-headlights quarterback standing in the doorway of Quinn's bedroom as she grabbed a sheet to pull over her wholly naked body and turn off the music that had been blaring, obscuring the sound of her boyfriend walking in on this now very precarious situation.

"Yeah. FUCK. That pretty much sums it up," Finn exhaled in an eerily low tone. He still hadn't blinked yet and Quinn was already conjuring tears and excuses.

"Finn, listen to me, it's not what it looks like, I can explain..."

He finally blinked, crossing his arms and standing attentively, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Really? You're gonna say something – ANYTHING – that makes this NOT look like my best friend's dick was just inside you? I mean, I know you take me for a total idiot and all, but this should be mighty entertaining. Hit me with it Quinn, what's the REAL story? Oh I know! You were choking on a gumball while getting ready for a shower and he was doing mouth to mouth to save you? But that wouldn't explain why he was in here at all or why I walked in on his moony white hairy ass humping up and down on you. Lemme guess, that's a new CPR technique? Some sorta internal Heimlich maneuver?"

Puck pulled on his white wife beater tank with one hand and wrestled a tiny corner of the sheet from Quinn to cover his crotch with the other. He reached to the floor to blindly find his Mario Kart man-kini briefs while keeping his eyes trained on Finn. "Look, dude, Finn... I'm so sor–"

"If you apologize to me right now Puck, so help me god, you'll never be able to eat solid foods again. Just shut. UP."

"Finn, just let him leave, okay? Please? And you and I can talk," Quinn attempted, regret and manipulation simultaneously oozing from her honey dripping voice.

Finn's head shook almost violently in response. "Oh, no no... that will so very NOT be necessary. In fact, let me THANK YOU both for making this super fucking easy. You and me?" he pointed between Quinn and himself, "Done." Then turned to face Puck. "And you and me? We'll finish this on the football field at the next practice. I feel like we need witnesses to prevent me from snapping your neck."

Quinn turned up the tears as she wrapped the sheet like a toga around her and spilled off the bed, stepping toward him. "Finn please don't just walk away from this without us talking first! Please, please let me explain!"

"Quinn, you know what? Fuck you. No wait, let me correct myself – fuck HIM," he amended, pointing at his (former) best friend who was now completely dressed and looking for his shoes. "Go ahead, seriously. Have at it with my blessing. See, this just totally makes what I was coming here to talk to you about SO MUCH easier! ... Damn, to think I sweated the entire car ride over here wondering how many shades of pissed off you were gonna be and whether I'd be picking bible pages outta my teeth later, but SHIT! Who knew I'd get here and find out you guys did all the heavy lifting for me!"

"Why? What were you coming to talk about?" She reached for him and he backed away, shaking his head in warning.

"I was coming to tell you that I think we should break up."

"No, Finn, we can still fix this. I can fix this... this doen't have to be the end of anything. This was just a giant mistake and it didn't mean anything to me."

"Are you fucking kidding right now?" Puck asked incredulously. "Still in the room here y'know, Q. And I gotta say, it sure seemed to mean something when you were begging for it."

"Oh shut it Puckerman! You got me drunk on wine coolers and talked me into this! And don't think I didn't notice that you didn't ACTUALLY pull-out like you said you would the first time..."

"The FIRST time? Wow. TMI," Finn said, cringing. "Okay then. Time for me to hit the road. And um, lose my number, both of you. I'm done with you both."

"Finn, come on, I love you and we can work through this I know we can."

He couldn't stop the laughter from erupting from his chest like a volcano. "Nope, pretty positive you're wrong there, honey. There's nothing to work through. And if THIS is your idea of love, well, good luck to you," he added looking at Puck.

"You love me though, Finn! FOUR MONTHS! We've been together almost FOUR months! You can't tell me you can just walk away so easily when–"

Finn raised a hand to halt her words. "Yeah, no, let me stop you right there. First of all, I liked you. A lot. I might have even thought I loved you, kind of, maybe. Even though you mostly give me blue balls and an inferiority complex most of the time. But you're really hot and so yeah, I kinda put up with only getting halfway to second base twice a month."

"But Finn I helped you too... you know..."

"Oh how could I forget that ONE hand job you gave me and then screamed at me because it went all over your bedspread! Sorry, I thought you said to NEVER DISCUSS IT AGAIN? Hey Puck, hope you were nice and tidy, she might make you take her to the laundromat like she did to me!"

Quinn hung her head, realizing slowly this was a battle she couldn't win. Finn rubbed his temples and sighed, turning to face her with one hand poised on the doorknob. "Look Quinn... You said it best when you talked me into asking you out the first time. You're the cheer captain, I'm the football captain, so it was expected of us. Well baby, sorry to tell you but I've just raised my expectations recently."

"I know you cannot be talking about that obnoxious loud mouth who dresses like a blind, menopausal toddler."

"Knock it off Quinn. I don't know why you hate her so much, but she's really awesome. Once you get used to her super fast talking and crazy intensity. But yeah, she's my friend now and I like singing with her. I like dancing with her. I like HER. You don't have to understand it or like it but you DO need to accept it. I feel things when I'm with her that I've never felt with you."

She clucked her tongue dismissively and rolled her tear soaked eyes. "Oh really? Like what?"

"Appreciated. Respected. Valued. So...yeah. I'm gonna see if Rachel wants to go grab a bite to eat or something. And uh, good luck to the both of you with that whole pull out thing," he chuckled to himself as he closed the door behind him. He made a mental note to stop and buy some condoms soon. (It never hurts to be prepared – especially if that Push-It routine they just spent five hours rehearsing tonight was any indication.)

As he climbed back into his truck, he pulled out his phone and flipped through his contacts making possibly the most important call of the year so far. "Hey Rach. . . No I didn't forget anything. . . . Well, all that singing and dancing stuff worked up my appetite, so I was thinking, if you didn't eat yet maybe we could go grab something together?. . . . No, she won't mind. . . .I'm sure. I'll explain everything to you when I get there. Maybe we can go bowling after. . . . Really? Then I guess I'll just have to teach you. . . . . Okay cool. See you in a few."

. . . . .

~F❤️R~