Been watching Adeptus Ridiculous lately and watched the beginning of Badab War when reading this. Started writing this while still in a feverdream due to covid. It quickly spiraled out of control. I'm gonna go back to sweating through my matress now.
Personal Memoirs of Lord Commissar-Tyrant Ciaphas Cain
Locked under Inquisitorail seal by: Senior Inquisitor Amberley Vail
"Lord Commissar? The inquisitor is ready to meet you now, Please, come in."
Those were the words I had dreaded after being summoned to the palace of the Planetary Governor.
I didn't mean to do it. Really, I'd only accepted the task because I'd thought it would be an easy slate-reading gig. After Fecundia had turned into the utter clusterfrak that it had, I figured I'd use my "modest efforts" in the face of the 'nids to acquire a more relaxed posting. Being a liaison officer to Zyvan had become more perilous than anyone could have expected, despite the luxury it entailed. So I had boarded the first ship available towards Perlia, having already filed for retirement to become a teacher at the local Schola Progenium. A modest posting, but one guaranteed to not endanger me as much as a regimental one.
Unfortunately, Lady Luck seemed to spit in my face once more. The ship ferrying me towards Perlia had been attacked by Nurglite cultists and had been forced to dock at a nearby planet for emergency repairs. Having been hailed as a hero once more for myactions in repelling the invaders, despite the fact Ihad no choice in the matter. They had boarded right next to my quarters! What was Isupposed to do? Ask Jurgen to serve them a cup of tanna? He wasn't even here. He was still dealing with the paperwork of his own retirement. I didn't even need to identify what cult they belonged to to know that anyone attacking a military transport vessel needed a good lasbolt to the face and I didn't exactly have numbers on his side. It was better to fire first and cut their numbers down before slowly (or quickly) retreating for reinforcements.
Drawing my trusted laspitol, Ifired a few shots in quick succession. Of course, I'd been aiming for the leader's skull, but the fool had better reflexes than expected and had ducked at the last second. The lasbolt hit only a glancing blow, blasting his eye and ear off with a gruesome scream of pain. I had also immediately ducked behind a crate of ceramite plates before they had a chance to shoot back and riddle me full of holes. The Swan Dance had even worse loading management than Captain Mires had with his ship before he'd crached it into the planet they were there to save, but I didn't really mind at that moment. Having lots of cover meant he had a harder time picking them off, but they would have the same problem. Except Iwanted to retreat and wait for reinforcements. and they wanted to advance. Time was on My side for once.
We traded shots for a few tense and stressful minutes before the sound of boots hitting metal floor grates came from behind me and I didn't have to wait long before the sight of the Guardsmen came around the corner. Realizing I'd spent the last few minutes hiding behind cover like a coward, I knew I had to change the scene before they got the wrong impression of me (or perhaps the right impression).
"When the Emperor judges you, tell him Cain sent you!" I roared, firing a volley of lasbolts in their general direction. I didn't expect to hit anything, but as luck would have it, the promethium tank of the flamer burst into bright flames as it incinerated it owner. The hot air washed over me, searing the top layer of myskin with heat and various toxic fumes. The explosion scorched the cultists nearby, and even those further away were blown away. I could see the leader get dragged back the way they had come from, a hand over one eye and a look of burning hatred in the other. Holstering my sidearm, I turned to the trooper who was looking at me with an expression of shocked awe.
"I'll leave the rest in you capable hands, soldier." With a pat on the man's shoulder, I then walked in the direction of the bridge. That ought to be safe enough now that I had shown enough mettle for the troopers.
"I have to admit, I was not expecting the famous Commissar Cain to be aboard a crippled troop transport. I guess you never really know what to expect in life," Inquisitor Kevan of Ordo Hereticus said, tearing of a pice of bread and dunking it in the surpisingly spicy grox stew. I had lost my appetite the moment I sat down, but you don't reject an inquisitor's invitation for dinner.
"I've learnt not to question what the Emperor has in store for me," I laughed, hoping it didn't sound as fragile to the inquisitor as it did to me. Being in the company of an inquisitor was dangerous at the best of times (1) , but the current occasion was not one of those. "I merely try to keep what's left of me in one piece." I wiggled my augmentic fingers to prove a point. That earned a scoff from the old man, although I wasn't entirely sure if it was because of amusement or his own augmentic lungs acting up.
"Yes, too many have too much ambition with not even a tenth of the brains required to use it nowadays. Take the planetary governor for example," he nodded in the direction of the man currently screaming as the flames underneath him licked at his skinless legs. "He inherited this planet and it's surrounding sub-sector over half a century ago. In that time he has somehow managed to squander almost everything about it. The imperial tithe hasn't been paid in full for most of his reign, even after he managed to bump it down a notch under most suspicious circumstances. Productivity has faltered across the board, riots are rampant, drugs are popping up like splinterfleets after Kraken, and now a Nurgle gult has appeared up in his most productive hive city." He stopped to scoop up a generous piece of grox and shovel it into his mouth. "I know these people have a tendency for inbredding, but even stupidity has its limits. He doesn't even have the excuse of being a genestealer, like your Gravalax fellow."
If you ever meet someone who feels comfortable hosting dinner guest beside the fiery executions of a planet's former leader and their entire family you will know the feeling of dread I had been feeling up until that point. Know also that the feeling was nothing compared to when I realized he was a lot more knowledgable of my adventures than I had previously assumed. Most likely he has read Amberley's report, but I somehow doubted he would remember much of it amongst the hundreds of thousands of other inquisitorial reports filed over the decades of service he had been active. That meant he had recently read it for some reason, one I doubted was good news for me. Having an inquisitor take interest in you is always bad news (2).
"Yes, well... Gravalax was a good lesson, although I did not truly appreciate it at the time. Incompetence is a wonderful camouflage for treason in my experience."
"Haha, aren't they one and the same?!" the inquisitor laughed. "That is a good saying though, I'll help myself to it in the future. You're proving to be a good choice, much better than I initially expected. I see why Amberley favours you so much. We don't usually agree, but she does have a good eye for help."
I froze, my palms tingling like never before. The man was finally getting to the heart of the matter after mkaing me go through this farce of a dinner, a painful reminder that he was not just a sadistic bastard. Not that I had actually enjoyed the view, but I was suddenly aware that the screams of the poor bastards had stopped. I thought it was rather odd how quickly they had all been slienced, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the horrifying monster of a man in front of me. He knew about my connection to Amberley, but I had no idea of how much he knew. He was clearly antagonistic to her, but was it simple rivalry or was there something more sinister? Had Amberley sent me a message which I had missed. Was this more office politics amongst the Ordo i wasn't aware of?
"I'm glad you think so, though I'm not as favoured as you believe." I had to play it simple. The wrong words could undermine Amberley's position or get me killed depending on how he took it.
"Humble till the end, huh? Fair enough, I'm not as fair as your usual inquisitor so I'll get to the point before the month is over." He finished the last spoonful of stew and snapped his fingers. A pair of servants arrived silently and carried awau the emply plates and remaining food.
"I'll be blunt. I don't have time to waste on this planet, despite its strategic importance. Rooting out a Nurgle cult is timeconsuming work requiring manpower and skilled hands. Keeping a planet pure and clean from infestation would've been easy of that fat oaf had done his job, but here we are. Other planets have more immediate concerns, including a a Slaanesh cult in the neighbouring system." My eyes widened at that little tidbit. I had not even considered that another cult on another planet might drain resources from the purging of the planet I was currently on. "Oh yes, that's not public info to the commissariat yet, not that it ever will now that I'm departing to handle it personally."
So why was he telling me this...? Oh no.
"My agents are wasted on a public position. They need to be mobile and discreet. I need someone who can take charge of this planet to purge it before the infestation is able to grow beyond control. I'd rather not lose such an important world due to lack of resources. That's where you come in, Commissar." He smiled, a predatorial smile full of teeth and gums. If tingling could create energy then my hands could power and entire Warhound titan at that point. "The famous Commissar Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium, takes charge of the planet after the incompetent Governor falls to chaos. He purges the world of sin and heresy and rules with an iron fist. Quite the retirement, don't you agree?"
This madman wanted to put me in charge of purging a hive world after already admitting he didn't have the forces to do it himself. Not merely in charge of the purging, but in charge of the whole bloody thing. Admittedly, I had dreamed to become a plantery governor in my younger days when I had been assigned to the 12th Field Artillery. Living a life of luuxury and safe adminstration oin a paradise world was still rather appealing, bu I now had the tempered experience of a century to know there was no such thing as a free lunch(4). Planetary Governors were targets of assassination for succession right, rebellions, and simple invasions. I've personally saved multple governors in my time of service, and seen just as many die. Now I was to be put in charge of cleansing a world already infested with chaos cults without the reinforcements neccessary to do it. An effort which would require years of bloody combat and ruthless slaughter, something the planet was already rioting over.
"I'm not sure I'm the right man for this job, Lord Inquisitor. I'm just an old soldier. Sure, I've dealth with the cleansing of chaos and genestealer cults before, but only as a member of the Guard and with the cooperation of the PDF. This doesn't quite..." I tried to refuse, but it wass in vain. Inquisitors have a tendency to get what they want, regardless of my complaints(3).
"Come now, Ciaphas. Is that really what Amberley's favourite acolyte would say? True, she deals only in xenos, but you're a man of many talents, are you not? Surely you wouldn't reject an opportunity to stick it to chaos one last time before you truly retire, would you? Then again, she's not the most competent of her order and that's saying something." He laughed, but the way he mentioned Amberley made it clear what he was doing. Amberley had somehow pissed him off, and he was going to use me to get back at her(4). If I succeeded in cleansing it then it would be because he assigned me the planet. If I failed then it would be cause Amberley had made me more competent than I actually was. I looked away for some excuse to think it over and saw why the former governor had gone quiet. A gag had been shoved into his mouth, refusing him the last chance to tell others of his pain.
I looked back at the inquisitor. I tried to smile, though I'm sure the inquisitor saw right through it.
The message was clear.
"Well, when you put it that way I don't see how I can refuse." I raised my glass as a toast.
"Marvelous," the inquisitor said, raising his own glass in turn. "I suppose you'll need a formal title to set you apart from a normal governor. Commissars don't usually ascend to nobility from nothing aftter all. Let's see, what can we call you..." he sipped his drink as he ponedered before his eyes lit up in joy.
"I know just the thing. Welcome, Lord Commissar-Tyrant to Atoma Prime!"
1: He desn't seem to regard our meetings as dangerous, even if they do fall under 'best of times'
2: Not always, although it's generally not under the best of circumstances due to the nature of our proffession
3: This seemed rather childish as he did not complain half as much during our adventures together as he implies.
4: This is quite accurate. The Nurgle Cult in the Moebian Sector was supposed to be managed by Inquisitor Grendyl of Ordo Hereticus, but he was busy dealing the fallout of a different chaos cult. I had recently finished my own encounter with the Slaanesh cult in the nearby system which Inquisitor Kevan had prematurely declared free of heresy and left to fend for itself. I had been led there after investigating the activites of the Druhkari and subsequently stumbled upon the local heretics by chance. Kevan was apparently humiliated by his peers to have been upstaged by a 'younger', 'woman', 'of Ordo Xenos'; three factors he found absolutely outrageous. I can't find any evidence that he was responsible for the attack on Ciaphas' ship, but I am almost certain he placed Cain in charge of Atoma Prime to deprive me of a extremely useful resource (Jurgen, not Cain. He seems to suspect my relationship with Cain runs deeper than professional). Alas, Inquisitor Kevan disappeared after deciding to investigate Perlia at the time of The 13th Black Crusade. We may never know what happened to him.