Everyone tried to tell Elissa she needed to take the grandest rooms within the fort but she refused. She was barely going to be there as it was, and it made no sense for her to have such rooms just to maintain appearances. After much back and forth, Cullen agreed that he would use it as his makeshift office whilst they remained in Crestwood, and once a new Captain was appointed, they would move in upon their departure. There were plenty of rooms for them to claim one of their own before they headed off to find Hawke and the Warden.
However, there was one problem.
Elissa could not sleep in Caer Bronach. She had lain awake for over an hour before sheepishly knocking on Cassandra's door, asking if the Seeker minded if she bunked with her instead. The older woman looked up from her book and promptly agreed to share her quarters with the Inquisitor, saying it would be nice to have a roommate once again after bunking with Josie and Leliana in Haven. It would have been perfect if not for her propensity to gasp aloud and react to the book she was reading. By the fourth "No, not the Knight-Captain!" that had scared her awake, the Inquisitor excused herself and said she was alright after all and would sleep in her room.
Cole appeared by her side as she trudged back down the dimly lit hallway toward her quarters, the spirit keeping in time with her steps. "I can stay with you, Inquisitor," he offered with a wonky smile. "I know what keeps you up at night, here and in Skyhold. I would like to help." Elissa grinned at him sleepily and nodded, allowing the young man in wordlessly.
She had almost fallen back to sleep when Cole spoke once again.
"You no longer dream of the snow, of the cold. Those thoughts are far from you now; you are safe."
Elissa bristled but calmed herself down. It was true; ever since the avalanche, she had dreamt of the storm and what may have been waiting for her in the unknown. But it had been a while since that bothered her- no, what ate away at her was-
"-The rooms. The hallways. The art on the walls and the larders. They scare you."
"Cole-"
"-No, they don't scare you. They make you sad, truly sad. And the sadness is what you fear. Why would thread and paint and stone make you sad? You fear your memories. Of what has been."
"Cole-"
"There is no need to be scared. You will make new memories here and there. You are still safe."
"Cole. That's enough!" she snapped, sitting up, her drowsiness replaced with anger, burning and fierce. The spirit's shoulders curved down as he understood he had said one thing too many, told her secrets that she was not ready to hear.
"I am sorry. I only wanted to help," he explained, his hands wringing together in apology. Elissa scratched at the side of her head in irritation and released a huff of breath.
"I... I know. I know you did, but you can't. Not about this," she replied, swinging her legs out of bed. She pulled the thin blanket off the bed and wrapped herself up before tottering over to him and nudging him with her shoulder to cheer him up. It was not his fault; it was just his nature, and she did not want to discourage him from trying to help others. Just not her. "Thank you though, for whatever it's worth."
"You are welcome, Inquisitor."
"Maybe one day, when I remember everything, your words will comfort me. But for now, they only burrow the pain deeper."
"One day then."
"Until then, why don't you go and see if there is anyone else in the keep you can help? I am sure there are many here who would welcome your gifts," she suggested. "Come on, come for a walk with me."
There was almost an eerie sort of calm that settled upon Caer Bronach at night, though thankfully, the sounds of life from the members of the Inquisition helped to dampen her discomfort. The odd snore here, a cough there, and the rustle of armour from one of the guards on sentry duty made it easier to roam the halls and not picture another castle that she often dreamed of. Banners of laurel wreaths or crossed spears adorned the walls, deep blues and greens in the furnishing fabrics, a library filled with books and endless cobblestone pathways that spanned across the grounds. Sometimes, she would see chalk marks on them from a child's scribblings, and at other times, the ground was splashed with blood.
Different place. Different time.
Cole had excused himself when they happened across another guard sitting on a crate, his eyes focused on a spot but not quite seeing anything- his mind a thousand miles away on something else that called out to the spirit. Elissa continued exploring on her own, doing her best to push away the thoughts that haunted her during the twilight hours. Memories that slipped through her fingers, only leaving behind fractured flashes that made no sense. The overwhelming anxiety she always swallowed down forced itself back up whenever she was alone and had no one else to help drown it out.
Elissa found herself wondering if she had always been this way before the Conclave, or if she was once a carefree girl without a worry in the world. Though, with the amount of blood that seemed to be locked away in her mind, she greatly doubted it.
She was grateful to find Solas awake on the battlements; the elf huddled over with parchment and a piece of charcoal he had probably plucked out of a fire pit. Elissa quietly tiptoed over to him and craned her neck to take a peek at his drawing- a bleak landscape of Crestwood; he had even chosen to add the pack of wolves that seemed to gravitate in the fields surrounding the keep.
"Tis late, Da'len," he reprimanded gently, not bothering to look up from his drawing. "You should be sleeping." Elissa made a noise in the back of her throat, somewhere in between annoyed and incredulous, and continued to toe at a pebble like a sullen child. Solas sighed and spun around to face her, a kind smile on his face. "What troubles you?"
She shrugged, not sure where she should start.
"Hmm, would you like for me to find a draught to help you sleep?"
"No!" she answered, far too quickly to play off naturally. Thankfully, Solas did not press further into her hesitation to be placed in a forced sleep.
"I am afraid I am a little too tired to train tonight, Da'len, but perhaps we can sit and talk until you are ready for sleep?" he proposed, gesturing toward the staircase to head inside. "Perhaps some tea?"
"But you hate tea."
"True, but if it will help you rest-"
"No need," she replied, cutting him off, taking the chance to look at her apostate tutor. "I may not be tired, but you are. Please do not worry about me; I will find my way back to my bed in due course."
"I do not mind Da'len-"
"Quiet old man, off to bed with you!" she quipped with a large grin, earning her a snicker and a grateful nod. Elissa waited until she saw him disappear into the keep and stole his previous stoop to perch upon, silently thanking Andraste for the brief reprieve from the rains that plagued the city, the humidity finally gone and the air cool and soothing. She smiled at the thought of her ambassador witnessing her actions; Josie would have had a conniption fit at the peril she was putting herself in, both physically and socially.
'Inquisitor! Get down from there! Why are you only wearing a nightshirt? You could get hurt, and worse- you are in full view of passers-by. Imagine someone seeing you there like some sort of gargoyle in the middle of the night; I can hear the gossip now! The Inquisitor lures men to Caer Bronach to sacrifice to the demons in the caves.'
"Elissa?"
The voice shocked her so much that she jumped and teetered back, almost falling off the battlements if she hadn't clung to the sturdy brick beneath her. She looked down and saw two hands that were not her own, gripping the blanket around her and pulling her forward to safety.
"Maker's breath! Are you alright?" Cullen asked her when both her feet were planted back on the stone. Elissa nodded absentmindedly, the adrenaline in her system forcing her blood to whoosh noisily in her ears. "I am so sorry, I didn't... I didn't think. I was just doing my final rounds before returning to my room, and saw someone where I hadn't stationed a guard and had to make sure. I didn't mean to- but thank goodness," he apologised, his hands moving from the blanket to grasp her shoulders as if trying to convince himself that she was real and safe under his palms.
"No harm, no foul, Cullen. If I were not so lost in my thoughts, I would have heard your approach; it is not your fault," she said to quell his guilt. She lightly shrugged his hands off her shoulders and deftly took them into her own, softly squeezing his gloved fingers to reassure him. "Thank you for doing your due diligence. If not for you, I would probably be sitting there all night, lost in thought, until I fell asleep and plummeted on some poor, unsuspecting soldier below. Death through battle and glory? Perish the thought. Death by surprise Inquisitor ass? Much more dashing."
Cullen fought back a smile, trying his best to remind himself that she was joking about her own death. "I would encourage neither of you to aim for that ending, Elissa."
"See, this is why I keep you around, Cullen. For the brilliant advice and that glorious smile of yours," she grinned, squeezing his hands one last time. A rumble of thunder rolled mere moments before the sky started its onslaught of rain again, the meagre cotton blanket offering her very little protection from the weather. Elissa threw one end of the material over Cullen's head to provide whatever shelter she could as they raced off the battlements and back under the keep's protection. By the time they made it back inside, her blanket was soaked and the back of her white sleep shirt was almost completely transparent and plastered to her. Cullen took one look at her and blushed, averting his eyes as respectfully as he could. The last thing he wanted was for her to look up at him and think him a pervert for taking advantage of the situation.
"You should head back to your room, Elissa. You'll catch a cold if you stay in your wet clothes," he said, wiping the errant droplets of rain from the back of his neck.
"I am apparently from Highever, Cullen. A daughter of the sea. Some water and chilly wind will not be enough to get me ill," she rebutted with a smile, "besides, it will be a good way for me to practise regulating my body temperature as Dorian had been teaching me. A mage should be able to cast spells from anywhere on their person if they can focus enough."
"Even ones back?" he asked, his voice tinged with disbelief.
Elissa nodded and laughed. "Crazy, right? I told the Vint I had never heard of such things, to which he called me an ill-educated dog lord. After that, we made fun of some Orlesians. But after that, Dorian told me that even without eyes, without arms or legs- if a mage could still think- they could still cast. In theory, if I focused hard enough, I could summon fire from my back."
The two chatted about magic, which evolved into them discussing their training together, which led to the topic of her impressive bout with the Highwayman Chief. The Commander detailed the fight, blow-by-blow as he saw it, embellishing each movement and grunt the man made during their fight, his enthusiasm shaving off years off his face, looking like an eager young initiate witnessing their first great battle.
"I've not seen anything like it; there is not much left that either Cassandra or I can teach you. I am not able to speak to the training the mages of the Inquisition can give you- but as it is, I feel it will be you teaching us by the time we're back at Skyhold," he chuckled, stopping at his room's door, unsure if he should offer to walk her to own more than two corridors away. It would be the gentlemanly thing to do, but would she consider it chivalrous, or would she view it as overprotectiveness or, worse, condescension?
"Ah, about that! Solas mentioned that Viv was a Knight-Enchanter, and based on what he's seen, it is something that I should look into further training in. Is this something that the Inquisition could help me with?" she asked earnestly, stopping beside him. Cullen scratched at the stubble forming on his chin as he thought about her question.
"Certainly, if this is something you wish to pursue, we can get started securing the best tutors in Thedas. However, are you sure this is what you want? There are other specialities, of course-"
"Necromancer? No, thank you. Spirit Healer? Not blessed or talented enough for that, and I think my proclivity for trying to stab enemies with my staff is enough confirmation that I should be a Knight-Enchanter," she laughed, but her sincerity remained.
"As you wish, Elissa, I will begin the search right away," he replied, unable to hide his smile when the Inquisitor bounced excitedly on the balls of her feet. "Now uh... I guess we should both turn in? There's still a mountain of work for me to do to ensure Caer Bronach is up and running autonomously before we leave," he petered off, one hand holding onto the doorknob and the other still twisted in the blanket they held between them.
"Oh... yes...of course..." she replied, a light blush dusting her cheeks.
"Unless..."
"Yes?"
"Uh, um- unless, that is... unless there is something I can help you with?" he asked awkwardly. He had almost asked if she wanted to come inside his bedroom to sit by the fire and get warmed up. In his bedroom.
"Are you going to sleep now?" she asked so quietly and so quickly that he almost didn't catch it.
"Am I going to sleep? No. I'll probably be up for hours yet, if I'm being truthful," he admitted before opening the door to allow the Inquisitor to see the room. A grand table with carefully organised scrolls and maps took up most of its surface, a large bed covered in furs and pillows, a plush rug in front of a fireplace and an antique chaise lounge in the corner of the room. It reminded her of her quarters in Skyhold, and she almost regretted letting pragmatism guide her decisions. In this room, she may have had a chance to pretend she was back home and lulled herself to sleep without all the hullabaloo she went through earlier. "Is there something I can help you with, Elissa?"
She knew her exhaustion was playing with her; the way Cullen had asked that final question had done something to her, and she almost asked for him to help her with something very, very inappropriate. She shook her head and tightened her grip on the dripping blanket to gather her strength. She had led her team into a bloody fort and taken it within a day; she could be brave enough to ask someone for a little help. That was what he was there for, wasn't he? He was there to advise and help her.
"I..." she started, but found her mouth refused to form words. Cullen stepped forward and rested his hand on her arm again, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth unconsciously to try to comfort the woman.
"What's wrong, Elissa?"
"...Can I sleep here?"
"Pardon?"
"I'm asking if I can please stay here with you, to sleep in your room," she clarified, ensuring that she didn't say anything that could be taken out of context. "I'm happy to sleep on the floor or on that lounge there; I won't be in the way."
Cullen huffed out in surprise; out of all the things that he thought Elissa would say, it was not that. "I understand what you were asking, but may I please ask why you want to sleep here? Is there something wrong with your room? Or would you prefer for us to swap? As I said, these are more suited for you-"
"No, the rooms are fine. Well, I kind of want to swap but not for the reason you think. Ever since the Avalanche, I've not been alone. I've had someone always near me in camp and back in Skyhold. Dorian and Leliana were my bedfellows, and they helped me sleep through the night. I don't like the feeling of taking sleeping draughts, they make my dreams worse, especially in new places, and my rooms are always just so, so far from everyone and… this is foolish. I should just go back to Cass and be done with it. It doesn't matter if she keeps screaming at her book. I... just blame you. This is really all your fault, that surcoat of yours is far too cosy-" she rambled without pausing until his breathy laughter stopped her.
"Elissa. It's fine. If you want to sleep here, please feel free to do so. One of us should be able to sleep," he assured her, leading her into the room. "Please make yourself at home, as I said I will not be sleeping any time soon if you would be more comfortable on the... on the bed..." he stammered, not able to finish his sentence. He quickly took the wet blanket and hung it over a changing screen to let it dry and to hide his rapidly colouring face from the Inquisitor.
"Oh, I could not do that, it's your bed! What would happen if you suddenly got tired? You would be far too chivalrous to sleep on the other side, and you'd force yourself to sleep on the lounge or in that chair over there, and that's not fair," she said, accurately predicting his actions. "I'll happily sleep on the lounge, but I'm not even sleepy yet- maybe I can help you with some of your work? As thanks for the inconvenience."
"You do realise that you're pretty much my boss now, right?" he asked, arching one eyebrow up along with his smirk. "You could order me to sleep out in the rain and I would have to do it."
Elissa glanced up at him with a glint in her eye as she scooted onto one of the chairs around the table, across from where he stood. "That's good to know Commander, I'll be sure to keep it in mind if there ever comes a time that you piss me off."
"Is it too late to say you can't sleep here?" he joked, handing her some letters from Leliana and Josie to review. Elissa pulled a face and ignored him, quickly reading over the documents. Cullen smiled at the way she sat low in the chair and read, her thumb resting on her lower lip as she lightly bit on her nail, brow slightly furrowed as she processed the information on the pages. He found his eyes drifting over to her every so often, just to check if she needed anything, but she seemed quite at home helping herself to anything she required from his table. After a while he noted that she was bowed forward with one arm on the table, cradling her forehead. She was trying not to yawn but he could tell she was close to falling asleep. But still, she responded to the letters and continued to work alongside him.
When his back was starting to remind him that he was no longer 21, he turned to the window and could see that stars still littered the sky, but it was slowly lightening. It must have been closer to 5am, and his tired joints agreed with him. He looked back to find the Inquisitor sleeping on her hands on the edge of the table; he had been so engrossed in his work that he failed to notice exactly when she had dozed off.
Elissa murmured something in her sleep and she shivered, reminding Cullen that she had fallen asleep in damp clothing. Cassandra was going to murder him if she was sick the next day. He shrugged off the surcoat she had such a fascination with and wrapped it around her, a stupid primitive pride surging through him to see her in his clothing. He tried to rouse her gently but she would not wake. If she remained in that position, even as young as she was, she would not be in any shape to traipse around Crestwood. Carefully, he pulled her back, her sleepy protests coming out as nonsensical noises. He bent down and slipped his arm under her knees and supported her back as he lifted her out of the seat and across the room to the lounge. The last time he had carried her she was half dead and almost frozen through, now she was warm, healthy and safe. He lay her down gently and wrapped his surcoat around her snugly, he could almost pretend that it was him holding her that closely.
Cullen snapped himself out of it and hurried to pull a thicker blanket from his bed to cover the rest of her. He knew he shouldn't watch her sleep. There was no reason to, not like before. His mind wandered back to their makeshift camp not so long ago. She almost died. Almost died saving him and the rest of Haven. He could not rest until he knew she was going to be alright. But here, in their newly claimed fort, surrounded by loyal friends and soldiers - under his watch- she was safe.
Just one more minute, he promised himself, just one, and I'll finish up the rest of my work and I will not look at her again until she wakes. Elissa turned to her side to face him and nuzzled into the collar of his surcoat, her hands wrapped up in the soft trim. She made a faint contented sound before a ghost of a smile graced her lips.
Cullen wiped his hand over his face in disappointment. He was already failing to keep his promise to Leliana; what was another broken promise to himself? He knew he would not be able to keep his eyes off of her for long, there would be no use to pretend otherwise.
"What took you so long to find me, Da'len?" Solas asked as Elissa finally made her way through the Fade to him. He was in a marketplace in Rivain, enjoying a spiced drink as the vendors around him urged people to buy their wares, mixed stalls of bright produce, silks and jewellery as far as the eye could see. She slid onto the chair across from him and took in the sights and sounds of the Fade, her tutor knowing her well enough to not ask again, knowing she would answer him in her own time.
"I ran into Cullen and-"
"Ah, well that makes sense," he smirked, setting down his drink.
"Not you too," she moaned, flicking a wayward crumb on the table in his direction. "Nothing happened, I just helped him with some paperwork and... oh Maker. I must have fallen asleep on the table. I'm probably drooling over his guard rotation schedule as we speak."
"I am sure he does not mind," he replied, a knowing expression on his face. "But whilst you are undoubtedly snoring and drooling in front of the man you care for-"
"I do not snore!"
"... Funny how that is what you want to deny," Solas retorted with a mocking pout of his lips. Elissa had to remind herself that he was teaching her and was not her enemy, wedging her hands under her thighs so as not to slap that shiny, bald head of his. "Anyway, you had a long day today, and you managed to pull fire out of the Fade; to train you today would dampen all that you have accomplished. Let us merely enjoy this time together. Tell me somewhere you would like to see, or even when you would like to see. Let me give you this gift."
"See... I know, I know, that somehow, someday, you are going to make me pay for this so-called gift when we train again. But I'm too excited to care! That is future Elissa's problems, and present Elissa wants to see Highever please!" she squeaked excitedly. "Leliana said I was from there and I would love the chance to wander around and see if anything jogs my memory a little more."
"Are you sure? It may result in one of your episodes. This is a big step, Da'len," Solas cautioned, taking care to watch his student closely. Elissa nodded enthusiastically and picked up his glass, whirling the liquid around distractedly.
"I am. I can't be afraid of big steps, not when I'm forced to leap by others."
"Well said," he commended, pride evident on his features. "Then let us waste no more time, there is only so much night left before the Keep awakes." He offered his hand out to his student who took it without hesitation, standing up and stepping around the bench she sat upon. Elissa was used to his process; he would take her by the hand, and they would walk for a time, but it would feel like they were stationary as the Fade moved and shifted around them under his will.
It never took long. Not as long as it was taking them this time.
Elissa tilted her head to look at Solas. His brows were creased and his expression inscrutable. She was not sure if he was confused or angry or both. He stopped abruptly and pulled her back to stay right beside him, his grip on her hand tightening, alarming the Inquisitor.
"Is everything... alright, Hahren?" she asked uncertainly, her voice quiet in the large expanse of the Fade they occupied. The man stayed silent as he drew upon his mana and the Fade, commanding it to follow his will. Yet they remained firmly in place.
"Allow me to test a theory, Da'len," he said, his mind racing. "Apart from Highever, is there anywhere else you wish to see?"
Elissa thought for a moment and said she'd love to see Sundermount, after all the tales from Varric, she thought it would be great to see some of the places the dwarf had described to her. In mere moments the space around her blurred until flecks of green and grey started to form around her, the Fade building the landscape around them where they stood.
"Anywhere else?" he asked, his voice clipped as if he was in a hurry.
"Uh, Vigil's Keep! It would be amazing to see the Ferelden Grey Warden base!"
They remained in the lush fields of Sundermount, the sparkling sea calm and glittering in the sunshine.
"Somewhere else," he commanded, his tone as tense as his body.
"Um... I-I don't know. Uh, how about Gwaren? The Brecillian forest!"
She could feel Solas' hand start to squeeze hers almost painfully as he fought with the Fade, the vision of Sundermount fading in and out under the shadow of the tree canopy of the famed Fereldan woodlands. Yet try as he might, it remained a hazy visage out of their reach. His eyes looked askance at their surroundings as if he were trying to catch an intruder in their little section of the Fade. Elissa heard him whisper something in his mother tongue, and whatever it was, did not sound like it should have been repeated around polite company, which of course made her burn to know what it was- but she knew if she tried to joke around, she'd bear the brunt of his ire.
"What's wrong?" she finally asked after a few minutes of standing still in nothingness, watching her friend grow steadily more and more furious. "If you do not wish to go to these places-"
"It is not that I do not wish to show you Da'len. Something... something is stopping me from doing so," he spat, his hand tightening his hold on hers until she yelped. "I- forgive me. I had not realised I was still holding on."
"Not at all. Silly of me to think that it should hurt. Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked softly, unnerved at the quiet rage she had never seen within the elf. Solas turned to her, noticed her wariness and smiled sadly at her, shaking his head.
"No, no you can't Da'len, but I thank you for asking."
"What happened? Is there something happening in the Fade we need to investigate? I've never known you to be unable to do what you wanted here. Is there something wrong?" she questioned, scared to know the answer. Solas frowned and started to walk around her in a circle, the fingers of his right hand tapping distractedly at his chin as he thought. Elissa followed his movements, not realising that he had managed to spin the world around them until they were back in his rotunda in Skyhold. He lowered himself down into his chair and tented his fingertips together as he sat back in thought, the mage trying to make sense of what happened.
"It is something I will need to look into, the places you want to go, I'm willing to bet they're locked away so you can't enter them. But what I'm more curious about, is how it's stopping me from getting there," he replied, his concerned expression deepening.
Elissa looked at her palm, the mark gleaming up at her as always.
"Do you think it's my mark? Is it doing something when we're here?" she questioned as she traced her fingers over the light, the faint vibrations pulsing into her fingertips as she hovered over the foreign magic. Solas shook his head and she could feel some of her worry fade.
"No, your mark has been stable. Something much larger is at play here now, Da'len," he answered, not bothering to hide how ominous that prospect could be.
"Is it Corypheus-"
"I do not know. Maybe? But I fear that whatever has a hand in this is outside of my comprehension. I do not know what else would have the power to manipulate the Fade in how someone experiences it except... maybe spirits... ancient spirits that I have not yet had the chance to meet," he said, sitting up and looking into her eyes. "I am sorry, Da'len, but until I figure this out, it may be prudent to cease our training and travels in the Fade."
Elissa nodded solemnly. She knew what he said made sense, and it was only logical not to put themselves in harm's way when their local fade and veil expert came across something he didn't understand. Still, the excitement of seeing Highever was not easy to let go of; she had hoped something would trigger her memories there. Perhaps remember her childhood home, her school or maybe her favourite merchant there. Something more to fill up the stark canvas in her mind. It was not too far from Crestwood if she remembered her geography. Maybe she could convince Cullen and Cassandra to make a detour before heading back to Skyhold and...
But what if what was stopping her from seeing these places even in the Fade was... her? What if the reason she couldn't go to these places was that the small piece of her she couldn't remember, was warning her not to do it?
Elissa woke up with a start, her fear spreading into her extremities.
She was staring at the ceiling and quickly surmised that she was not in Skyhold. She turned her attention to survey the room, and her mind was flooded with memories from the previous night, and she quickly understood which room she had so brilliantly fallen asleep in. Moving slowly and as quietly as she could, she sat up to see if Cullen had fallen asleep on his bed; however, it looked like it hadn't been sat on, let alone slept in. Elissa turned her head, expecting to see the man still standing and working. She cleared her throat, ready to lecture him for neglecting himself, when she realised that he was asleep and sitting at the table, facing her, chin tucked into his chest and arms crossed to brace himself. She lay back down on her side so she could take in the beautiful sight for just a moment longer.
He looked so peaceful, but she knew that he'd wake up with a crick in his neck the size of Denerim, and then he'd spend all day awkwardly rubbing at his neck, looking adorable, and she'd be a right mess. She pulled at the fabric around her shoulders as a draft entered the room. The fire that was behind her was probably nothing more than embers, and she was grateful that Cullen had gone through the effort to move her to the lounge and cover her. She nuzzled into soft material and sighed happily, the smell of elderflower and some sort of greenery washed over her. Elissa held her arm out and smiled at the familiar red surcoat that had been wrapped around her.
The Commander frowned in his sleep and stirred awake a moment later, grumbling at himself for sleeping in his armour. He gingerly rotated his shoulders and stretched his stiff neck, his movement limited from foolishly sleeping sitting up instead of comfortably in his giant bed.
"Morning," she chirped, her voice still croaky from waking up.
Cullen paused mid-stretch, aware that the Inquisitor was watching him. He knew it was nothing she hadn't seen him do standing across from the war table, but alone in his chambers, it suddenly felt a thousand times more intimate than it should. He allowed himself to look up and could not help but grin at the sight of one of the most powerful women in Thedas, cocooned in his surcoat and blanket, rosy-cheeked and beaming at him. He didn't know if he wanted to pinch her cheeks for being adorable or slide onto the chaise and hold her close to kiss her good morning. As if on cue, the blood flowed into his face at his brazen thoughts and he cleared his throat, resuming his stretches in futile hope that he would be able to use his neck throughout the day.
"Why did you sleep in your chair?" she asked, stifling a yawn and stretching out languidly like a sleepy cat.
Because I couldn't see you when I lay down, and I would never get the chance to see you like that again. Because I could fool myself into thinking I was being productive even though I spent more time wondering if your hair was as smooth as it looked. Worried if you were comfortable enough, warm enough, if I was too noisy or-
"-you were working too hard again, weren't you?"
-praying to Andraste that whatever dreams you were having, that they were good and that you slept well-
"Is that why you're always using Elderflower? You're always so sore from not looking after yourself?"
Cullen's inner monologue stopped at the mention of the tincture he utilised so often. The mixture of the elderflower and oakmoss helped with his pain from the lyrium withdrawals, but he had not mentioned this to the Inquisitor and hadn't planned on burdening her with yet another issue she would have to monitor or worry about.
"You do not need to worry about me Elissa, I am perfectly well," he said with a tight smile, the man proving why he preferred to be straightforward- he couldn't lie for shit. Elissa frowned and threw the covers from her, quickly stretching her legs again before cracking her knuckles aggressively, the loud snaps of her joints surprising the man.
Elissa stalked towards him, looking like a woman on a mission.
"Scoot forward a little on your chair."
"... Scoot?"
"Really now, Commander, your Inquisitor is waiting. Scoot!" she repeated, a cheeky smile forming on her lips. He threw her a dubious look before complying, sitting slightly forward on his chair. Elissa shuffled behind him and clapped her hands and began rubbing them together excitedly, leading Cullen to believe that she was going to chop him on the back of his neck for being impudent or perhaps she had caught him staring at her too much whilst she slept and was about to strangle him. He couldn't blame her if that was the cause.
"Consider this a thank you for letting me bunk here and not being weird about it, I really appreciate it."
Elissa put into practice the first lesson Dorian had her learn, maintaining heat in the palms of her hands. She never tried to keep the temperature so moderate, but then again, she only practised as a means to inflict harm, not to heal. "Please tell me if it gets too hot," she said, bending down by his ear, trying her best to ignore the way the man's breath hitched by her proximity.
Cullen nodded and swallowed hard, unsure of exactly what she had planned. At the feel of her warm fingers tentatively running down either side of his neck, he congratulated himself for only exhaling deeply and not swearing or allowing a shameful moan to escape from his mouth.
"Is this okay?" she asked, her thumbs finding the spot at the base of his skull that made his eyes want to roll into the back of his head, placing enough pressure to send tingles down his body. He believed he responded, but it may very well have been a high-pitched groan because Elissa continued with her ministrations. Knuckles kneaded into the tight tendons of his neck, the woman instinctively knew where to touch him and how to turn him into putty in her hands. "I don't want you to be in pain just to do a little bit of extra work, Cullen, it's not worth your health."
"I'm fine, Elissa. It's not the work," he said, biting his tongue after realising he was admitting there was another source for his pain.
"I want to ask where it is from... but I feel you would tell me if it was any of my business. So I won't pry...yet. Maybe I'll earn it from beating you at our next game of chess," she joked, working a particularly stubborn knot and the base of his neck, which had him gripping the armrests in an exquisite mixture of pain and pleasure.
"So what... you're saying is... my secret is safe forever," he joked, unable to completely control the pitch of his voice under her talented fingers.
"Ha HaHa, just you wait Cullen Rutherford, if I want something from you, I will get it," she said, pinching his earlobes before moving to massage the shell of his ear.
"I am at your mercy, Inquisitor. At this point, whatever you want that I have to give, it is yours," he said, thanking the Maker that he could respond to her more truthfully than she understood. Elissa drew her thumbs from the edge of his ear down his jaw, the muscles there tight and angry, down to his chin, relishing in the sound of the Commander's breathy sighs. He let his head tip back, she would only have to pull him up slightly and bend down to meet him halfway to place a kiss on his lips, wondering if his stubble would prickle at her if she did.
She stepped back, hands falling to her sides as she fought to control her thoughts, angry at herself for failing so miserably in trying to get over her silly little infatuation. Being so physical with him was not a smart choice- because now all she wanted to know was how he felt under his armour, which muscles were screaming out for attention and where she could touch him to encourage him to make more of those sounds. What a stupid, stupid way to start her morning.
Cullen opened his eyes and mourned the loss of her closeness and the exquisite way she alleviated his pain so simply, that it took all of his discipline not to beg her to come back. "Thank you," he managed to say, voice hoarse enough for Elissa to imagine wicked reasons for the gruffness of his tone. "That is probably the best I have felt in... years."
Elissa licked at her lips, grateful the man couldn't see her and held her hands together to ensure they didn't find their way to undo the straps of his armour and continue their exploration. "That's fantastic. I'm glad to hear it!" she chirped, her voice suddenly three octaves higher. "Happy to help! I should be on my way. I told Cassandra that we would spar this morning and map out the route to meet the Grey Warden tomorrow. So... I should go! Remember, take care of yourself and don't work too hard! Good day, Commander!" she said all too quickly, rushing out of the room, not willing to gamble that Cullen had a delicious expression on his face from her attention because if he did, she didn't know if she had the strength to not climb into his lap and offer another type of massage. And her pride would never recover to hear him reject her.
Cassandra had beaten her so badly that it was almost comical. It was such a thrashing that the Seeker paused and asked Elissa if she was ill. It was possible to have an off day, the world wasn't going to end because she had one disastrous training session.
She hoped.
Her friend tried her best to draw out the reason for such a stark difference in performance, concerned that perhaps the Inquisitor was injured and not letting them know. The woman was relentless in her questioning until Elissa confessed it was due to poor sleep and too many things on her mind. Cassandra ceased her queries immediately and apologised for being overbearing, she was just worried that perhaps she was hiding something that could affect the outcome of the mission just to be stoic, when they could easily take another day or two to ensure she was in the best shape possible for success.
"No need to worry, Cass, I'm perfectly fine. Head's just a little foggy is all- a lot has happened," she said with a tight smile.
"Anything I can help you with? I am here for more than whacking you with a sword and a shield, you know."
Elissa nodded her thanks but chose not to answer her, not wanting to discuss her very stupid reason for letting herself get beaten up. She couldn't force the memory of Cullen from her mind. His kindness, the gentle way he always spoke to her, his damned smile and the scent of him that surrounded her as she woke up. She had the fate of the world in her hands and she was daydreaming about a boy. She knew they had chosen the wrong person as Inquisitor.
"Very well. I may not be your first choice in confidant, but please know I am here," Cassandra reminded her, getting up to find someone new to spar with. "If not me, maybe you can speak to Commander Cullen. I know you two have grown rather close-"
"No, we haven't!" she denied all too quickly, the Seeker's stunned look slowly easing into one of realisation.
"Oh, you haven't, have you?" she slyly repeated, a dark eyebrow raised in amusement. "Certainly. Of course. Not close at all."
"First Solas and now you. Soon, a random citizen of Crestwood will come knocking on the doors and start mocking me, too," Elissa pouted, arms crossed at her chest. Cassandra laughed at the Inquisitor, looking every bit like a pouting child at her jests.
"Come now, get yourself together, Inquisitor. Surely you know how to remedy this 'fogginess' of yours?" Cassandra asked, waiting a moment in case Elissa answered before proceeding. "You do something about it."
"Would you do something about it?"
Cassandra turned four shades of red and stammered when the tables were turned. She was not like the Inquisitor, the woman was much braver and bolder than she was. She could never imagine being so openly flirtatious; she would rather face an army of demons than think of it. Cassandra buried the softer emotions she had as they did not fit her title of Seeker, and often lived her deepest fantasies through the aid of books. However, she could see the heroine of her stories in the Inquisitor, and as Thedas' resident fangirl, she wanted nothing more than to cheer on and encourage the oblivious couple together. It was like seeing her favourite stories come to life in front of her.
"Me? Probably not. But you are different, Elissa, you would. You will."
"I will?"
"Well... you should. I do not think I've seen a man more smitten with someone than our dear Commander."
Elissa perked up at her friend's words. If someone as stoic as Cassandra noticed Cullen's feelings, then...
The Seeker was not surprised in the slightest when the Inquisitor rushed off and did not bother to say goodbye to her. Elissa was someone who acted, and did so decisively whenever it mattered. Cassandra smiled to herself as she made her way to find some soldiers willing to spar with her; the Inquisitor was going to do something about it after all.
She found him after she had the presence of mind to freshen up, adamant that she would not be confessing to someone caked in dirt and sweat. If she was going to be rejected, it would be when she was attractive enough to find someone else to flirt with to lick her wounds and soften the blow with some much-needed external validation. That was before finding somewhere dark to cry a little and remind herself she had a job to do and not worry about a trifling thing such as romance.
Elissa waited until the last scout and soldier had left his office before coming in, the Commander still focused on the papers spread in front of him to realise she was standing before him. She could feel her confidence weaken each second that passed without him acknowledging her, and she knew she would back out if she didn't do anything and she was sick of not knowing where she stood with the man. Better to know and be heartbroken, than forever be broken by a maybe.
She cleared her throat quietly, summoning courage she knew could not have been her own.
"Elissa?" Cullen said, his face brightening after realising who had interrupted him. She blinked hard, trying to quash the hope rising in her chest. Maybe he was just sick of speaking to soldiers and any new company was exciting.
"I... I thought we could talk. Alone?"
Cullen's mouth went dry and slack at her words. "A-Alone?" he asked, wanting to make sure he heard her right. She nodded once, looking more worried than he had ever seen her. "I mean... of course."
He led her back onto the battlements of the fort, knowing that if they stayed still in any one place, they would be found by the never-ending flow of messengers or guards with a report for him. She was nervous, a state the Commander was not accustomed to seeing the Inquisitor in. She was always so chatty, sharp and unreserved, that it was almost impossible to think of her doubting herself, though he knew this wasn't true. Elissa had her doubts, about herself and her abilities, but it was her willingness to own them all that was a refreshing change for a person in a position of power.
Cullen found himself staring at her and the way she seemed to be rehearsing what she wanted to say to him, her lips mouthing words he could not make out. He quickly looked to the sky and rubbed the back of his neck to forget the way his face burned.
"It's uh... a nice day," he said reflexively without thinking, unable to stand in the silence that hung between them and the shared glances out of the corners of their eyes. It was torture.
Elissa's mental recital was broken by Cullen's voice, his words taking a moment to register. She looked around at Crestwood's ever-grey sky and frowned. Had the man forgotten what a nice day actually looked like?
"What?" she asked brusquely, the word sounding much harsher than she had intended from her trepidation. She wanted to kick herself when she saw how Cullen's shoulders deflated a little as he lowered his hand back to his side awkwardly. Wonderful. She had made him even more uncomfortable around her.
"It's... there was something you wished to discuss?" he asked, doing his best to move on from such a humiliating exchange.Nice day indeed. Idiot.
Elissa quickly looked around and checked for anyone who could be within earshot, and took a deep breath. She realised that they were very much alone, near the flagpole where the Inquisition symbol flew proudly. She could do this.
"Cullen, I'm a mage... but do you, can you trust mages? I don't know who I really am and I'm a mess most days. Even with all that, do you think you could ever think of me as anything more? Because I think of you, all the time, if I'm being honest," she said earnestly, her large storm-hued eyes staring up at him.
"I- I could. I mean, I do! And I do think of you and what I might say in this sort of situation," he replied, a giddiness filling his veins that he didn't know he could feel. It wasn't one-sided, it wasn't in his head, not some cruel, demon-induced fantasy playing out before him. It was real and she felt the same. He promised Leliana that he wouldn't make the first move and he could rest easy holding that oath fulfilled.
Elissa looked at him, unsure if he had only thought of the situation to find a way to talk himself out of it with her.
"So... what would you say? What's stopping you?" she urged, tempted to throw herself off the ramparts to escape the dread she was putting herself through. Cullen stared at her expectantly as if his response was general knowledge to everyone but her.
"You're the Inquisitor? We're at war. And you... I didn't think it was possible," he admitted to her. He hadn't in truth. She always seemed simultaneously out of his reach but just right there, always enticing him to question everything. Elissa smiled at him, so openly he had wanted to dip down and taste what a smile like that would be like, if it would be as warm and inviting as it looked. She rested against the wall and allowed him to tower over her, knowing that no matter what she said next, she had the power to change the course of their relationship.
"Not possible? And yet, I've always been right here, Cullen. I'm still here," she reassured him, not wanting to take something from him if he was not willing to give it. Allowing him one last chance to bow out gracefully, and save her from any further pain. Yet, the way he returned her smile, the way his honeyed eyes scanned her face and focused on her mouth as he took an eternity to lean down and close the space between them- when there was barely a step that separated them- Oh.
"So you are. And it seems too much to ask... but I want to-"
He could smell the mint she must have chewed on before meeting with him; the simple act of planning emboldened him. She must have wanted this outcome as much as him, dreamt of the moment and fantasised what it would have felt like to finally step into something they'd been dancing around for longer than he cared to admit. Cullen could feel her lean in and he fought the urge to pull her into his arms and crash his mouth onto hers, no, she deserved more than frantic excitement and-
"Commander! You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana's report?" the soldier called out to him, eyes still fixed onto the letter he was holding, not realising that Cullen had his hands around the Inquisitor's waist, with not enough room for the Maker's eyelash to come between them. Elissa hung her head in an agonising mixture of embarrassment and frustration, suppressing her desire to open a rift over the poor man's head; and by the hard glare that Cullen was giving him, her Commander approved of her battle plan.
"What?" he ground out through his teeth, his jaw clenched impossibly tight. Elissa prayed for some assassin to attack and kill them all to end her torture, but she knew that if she saw it happen to anyone else, she would have found the situation hilarious. Alas, it was happening to her, and she wanted nothing more than to get her hands on Alexius' amulet to turn back time and choose a much more secluded spot away from prying eyes and clueless scouts.
The soldier flinched as his eyes darted between the two of them. "Sister Leliana's report? You wanted it delivered, 'without delay,'" he replied, swallowing nervously as Cullen stepped away from Elissa, who had started to fidget and turn a vivid shade of scarlet. The Commander was seething as he loomed dangerously over the well-meaning, if dense, messenger.
It took a few seconds until he finally comprehended the situation he had unwittingly interrupted, and his self-preservation kicked in, the man stepping away tentatively from Cullen.
"Or... to your office, right..."
Cullen could see the way Elissa's bravery started to wane and could feel the soldier take the proverbial wind out of her sails with each step he took. He would not have it. The moment may have passed, but he was a stubborn man. When all else fails, follow your gut.
"Cullen, if you need to attend to that-"
He reached for her, one hand cradling the juncture between her face and neck and pulled her toward him to meet his lips. Cullen snaked his arm around her to hold her firm to him and allowed himself to lose himself to the feel of her mouth against his, soft and pliant under his ministrations. At first, she was stiff in his arms, but it did not take long for her to relax and hum appreciatively at him and kiss him back with more fervour. Conscious he didn't want to come across as taking advantage of her shock, he forced himself to break the kiss and take in her reaction properly.
"I'm sorry for that, Elissa. I didn't mean to... not like that, but... that was um, really nice," he admitted, holding his breath for her answer, praying to Andraste that she give him another chance to do that again with her.
"A different kind of attack, Commander. I do believe that you have to show me that move again, I don't think I quite have it," she smirked up at him. "You did say you'd help me with my training, did you not?"
He chuckled softly, the weight of worry falling away from him in one fell swoop, his mind not able to fathom all the good happening to him at once- he wasn't used to it, but it was a pleasant change. Cullen gently swept a loose tendril of hair away from her forehead with the back of his hand before cupping her face tenderly, his thumb stroking the curve of her cheek and down her jaw encouraging Elissa to lift her chin. He almost forgot how to breathe when the tip of her pink tongue wet her lips. He brushed his thumb underneath her bottom lip and then ghosted over the top of them, sending unexpected tingles sporadically throughout her body.
"I did, and I believe I said it would only be a few months... but it seems we need a lot more practice."
Elissa hummed and nodded, fighting not to smile. "Absolutely, I'm a novice. I need constant, vigilant tutelage. Are you up to the task, Commander?"
Cullen laughed happily, feeling lighter than he had in ... forever.
"Always."
Elissa beamed at him and slid her arms around his neck, enjoying the way both his arms wrapped around her, not afraid to hold her even as the sound of patrolling soldiers neared them. Without any fear or shame, the man bent down to meet her and pressed his mouth to hers, determined to slowly savour every bit of it, uncaring who in the keep or Crestwood could see them. They had wasted enough time pretending.
Cullen moved his lips over hers in a relaxed exploration, wondering how he had managed to stop himself from doing this months ago. Now he had a taste of her, he didn't think he'd ever be able to stop. Warm, inviting, addicting- yes, her smile did taste like that. He could feel her smile and he returned it, continuing the kiss, unwilling to let her go. He was in no rush for the moment to end, and by the way she threaded her fingers through his hair as he deepened the kiss, her breath hitching so deliciously, they would not leave the battlements until someone was brave enough to interrupt them.
He would like to see them try.