Chapter 6: In My Bones
"How do I feel you in my bones
Even when I′m alone
The time you spent on my mind
It's like your second home."
-In My Bones, 76th Street
Hitomi was lost. She had stormed out of dinner and regretted leaving in a huff. The castle felt bigger than she remembered during her tour with Van and Merle. The corridors all looked the same, and she was sure she had walked in circles more than once. She wanted to return to her room, but all the doors looked identical. She growled slightly in frustration. This was not how she wanted things to go. She had lost her temper at that pompous man. Rubbing her eyes, she spun around and tried walking back the way she came. She wished there was someone she could ask, but the part of the castle she was walking in was deserted. Turning down another hallway, she found herself in a great hall she had never seen before. A large set of doors led outdoors at the end of the hall. Deciding that wandering outside was preferable to being lost inside, she headed to the doors.
Hitomi was pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful garden and terrace. Walking outside, she felt the cool air on her face and smiled. It was evening, and the Earth hung high in the sky. Staring up at her home, she expected to feel the same longing she experienced as a teenager, but she felt nothing. She worried about her work and clients, but that was it. She didn't long to return to London for any reason besides work, and Japan was complicated. She still loved her family, but she was better at loving them from a distance. Being an adult was complicated. Finding a spot on the grass, she stared at the sky. Her feelings were complicated, and she needed to sort through them. Hitomi also wanted to deal with what had happened with Ren and hadn't been left alone long enough to process it.
Van was irritated. Dinner became the longest meal of his life after Hitomi left. He had to listen to the mindless banter of those at the table. He was uninterested in the weather or rehashing the meetings earlier in the day. He wanted to follow Hitomi, but his station would not allow it. As soon as it was relatively polite to leave the table, he rushed to Hitomi's room. Now, he was standing before her door with no response, like a fool. He had tried knocking and calling her, but he received no response. Panic rose in his belly; he did not know if she was angry, hurt, or gone. None of the scenarios he imagined were pleasant. The one that scared him was the thought that she had somehow returned to the Mystic Moon without talking to him first. Van could curse Deimos and his thoughtless tongue. Turning from Hitomi's door, he went in search of Aalis. He couldn't barge into her room unprovoked, but Aalis certainly could.
"Aalis!" Van called as he jogged slightly to catch up with her.
"Yes, my Lord?" Aalis replied quizzically. Her arms were laden with bed linens.
"I need you to go check on Lady Hitomi in her room," He replied evenly, trying hard to hide his panic. "She is not answering."
"I was just headed there with some fresh linens; I'll find you once I talk to her," Aalis responded and gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm sure that she is just sleeping."
Following Aalis to Hitomi's room, Van paced anxiously, waiting for Aalis to come out and make her report. He could handle Hitomi's anger; he'd dealt with it in the past. He was terrified that she had returned to the Mystic Moon without a goodbye. He was surprised at how much the thought of her leaving upturned his heart. They had not spoken in ten years, yet he was still enamoured with her. She had grown so much in the last ten years, and he could listen to her talk for days. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously and continued to pace.
Aalis walked into the room and panicked slightly when she found it empty. This was not an answer that she wanted to report to her King. Lord Van was a kind ruler but was known for his temper. She had seen how Lord Van looked at Lady Hitomi when they arrived the previous day and did not want to be the bearer of this news. Perhaps Lady Hitomi had gone for a walk and would be back soon. Regardless, Aalis could not make the woman materialize out of thin air. She knew she could not avoid reporting back to her King and placed the linens on the bed, returning to the hall.
"She isn't in her room, Lord Van," Aalis said, grimacing slightly as the words left her mouth.
"She's not in her room," he repeated dumbly, and the words felt like a punch to his gut.
"Perhaps she went for a walk?" Aalis tried to reassure her King, who looked a little nauseous.
Aalis' voice faded into nothing. Van strode past her into Hitomi's room as if his presence would bring the girl out of hiding. The room was, however, just as empty as Aalis reported. Van checked the room thoroughly, his panic rising. Sitting on the bed, he rubbed the back of his neck, trying to calm himself. Perhaps she had gone for a walk, although the thought did not calm him as he knew she was unfamiliar with the castle.
Trying to think logically, he remembered that no one had reported a pillar of light. He was confident someone would have brought it to his attention had one appeared. His people were familiar with Hitomi and had been on high alert for years for such phenomena. Clutching at the pendant around his neck, a habit he'd picked up when feeling stressed, he remembered the trick Hitomi had taught him during the war. Closing his eyes, he pictured her in his mind. He thought of her soft, honey-coloured hair and vibrant green eyes. He pictured her perfect smile and her laugh. The pendant swung back and forth in his mind until he caught a flash of her. Standing, he walked out of the room and passed Aalis without a word.
Van found Hitomi lying in the grass in one of the gardens on the eastern side of the castle. She was staring up at the Mystic Moon. She looked sad but peaceful, and he wondered if she missed her home. He felt a bit like a monster, but he struggled with the thought of letting her go back—not only because he would miss her desperately but also because of the situation he had found her in. The Mystic Moon was unsafe for her, and Van felt the old urge to protect her pick at his heart.
Hearing a noise, Hitomi sat up and stared around, trying to identify who had joined her. Seeing Van standing behind her, she gave him a lopsided smile. Gesturing for him to sit with her, she scooted over slightly.
"I got lost," She admitted once he joined her, sitting on the grass. "Then I found this garden, which was so pretty that I decided to sit out here until someone found me."
He smiled at her gently, relieved that his initial fears were unfounded. She was safe and with him. He could not ask for more. He inched his hand closer to hers, and his fingers barely grazed hers. He was trying to work up his courage to touch her.
"Sorry for walking out of dinner like that," she continued. "It was rude of me, and I apologize. That pompous man just got under my skin."
"Deimos was being an asshole," Van replied, his voice harsher than he had intended.
"The Earth looks pretty from here. I forgot that." Hitomi said, changing the subject.
"The Mystic Moon is shining brightly tonight." He agreed. The idea of calling the planet Earth was still foreign to him.
"Van," she looked at him, "I need to go home. I need to get back to work. My clients need me."
His heart shattered a little when she said it. He didn't know what he had expected about her staying on Gaea, but he'd hoped for a little more time. Of course, she wanted to go home. Sending her home was the last thing that he wanted to do. He recoiled his hand and stood up.
"Right, of course." He replied. "Would you stay for another day to say goodbye to Merle, Dryden and Chid?" He tacked on the last bit, the real reason being that he was not ready to let her go.
"Yes, I don't think another day would hurt." Hitomi smiled at him and stood up. She didn't understand why, but her heart breathed a sigh of relief when she agreed to stay another day.
"It's getting late. Let me escort you back to your room." Van extended his arm and was grateful when she took it. He could try again tomorrow to convince her to stay. He wasn't sure how to balance that and the delegation, but he needed to try.
They walked back to her room in comfortable silence, which was occasionally interrupted by Van, who pointed out the occasional landmark she could use so she didn't get lost again. When they got to her door, they stood awkwardly. Before she could overthink her actions, she flung her arms around him in a crushing hug.
"Thank you for protecting me again after all these years." She whispered in his ear before ducking into her room and shutting the door.
Van's face melted into a smile as soon as she hugged him. He had been fighting hard to keep his expression neutral since she asked to return to the Mystic Moon. He couldn't be angry at her, even when she frustrated the hell out of him. Didn't she understand that he had brought her to Fanelia to protect her? She was safer with him to keep an eye on her. He wanted to ask her to reconsider and stay. Van did not know what he was offering her, however. Was it to visit, stay indefinitely, or be his queen? All he knew was that he had missed her and could feel her presence in his very bones. Rubbing the back of his neck in frustration, he headed to his room and shut the door.
Hitomi's morning was much the same as the previous one. She woke to a room full of people. Her bath was the same spectacle, and she longed to be left in private. After her bath, she was dressed in a deep red linen dress similar to the one she wore the previous day. She was settled in her chair, preparing to eat breakfast, when her door opened to a series of maids carrying the most beautiful bouquets she did not recognize.
Hitomi recognized one of the maids as Sence, who had brought her dinner on her first night. Hitomi leaned over and touched Sence's arm. "What is all of this?"
"Lord Van's orders," Sence replied with a cheeky grin as she placed a vase full of flowers on the table next to Hitomi.
Hitomi sat stunned, staring at the flowers. She couldn't fathom why he would do all of this. She was not the kind of person who received flowers from a man, and she felt awkward. She was going back to Earth at some point today. Still, the flowers were beautiful, and a warmth rose in her belly. He had been consistently making her stomach tingle since she returned to Gaea. She tentatively touched the petals with her fingertips and smiled.
Van was having trouble focusing on the meeting. Hitomi would be receiving her gift about now. He was not typically the type of man who openly displayed his feelings in such a way, but he wanted to spoil her. If she did return to the Mystic Moon that evening, Van wouldn't have another chance. He kept glancing at the door, half expecting her to come in and slap him for being so forward.
"Your Majesty?" Adrasteia questioned sharply; it was apparent to everyone at the table that Van was not paying attention. She raised her eyebrow, wondering what could be holding his attention.
"Yes, I apologize. Where were we?" Van cleared his throat and avoided eye contact with Dryden and Chid. Refocusing his attention on trade matters, he pushed thoughts of Hitomi and his gift out of his mind.
Merle was on a mission. She had skipped the trade meetings because she was worried. Lord Van was in love with Hitomi, but it was unclear to Merle how Hitomi felt about Lord Van. They were friendly when she had seen them interact, but she had not seen anything in Hitomi's behaviour to indicate that she was in love. Ten years was a long time to love someone from a distance. Merle had watched over Lord Van through the years of their separation. She had seen him crumble when he thought no one was looking. She had witnessed the toll that years of silence had caused. Merle also knew that Hitomi had not indicated that she intended to stay this time. Merle had heard from Aalis of Lord Van's gift, and she smelled trouble.
Cursing under her breath, she headed towards Hitomi's room. Merle wanted to determine if Hitomi reciprocated Lord Van's feelings. If Hitomi left again, it would crush Lord Van, and Merle could not watch that happen again. As much as Merle liked Hitomi and had missed her, Merle wished the Seeress had never returned to Gaea. Merle's priority would always be Lord Van.
When Merle entered Hitomi's room, she was confronted with hundreds of flowers. Lord Van had certainly gone overboard. Hitomi was again seated in front of the fire. She was absentmindedly touching the petals of a bouquet sitting on the table beside her; she looked lost in thought.
"Good morning," Merle greeted jovially, but her smile did not reach her eyes.
Hitomi looked up from her daze, and it took her a moment to register what had been said. "Good morning, Merle."
"Hitomi, are you okay?" Merle asked tentatively. She had come into the room to confront the girl from the Mystic Moon, but Hitomi looked so lost that Merle felt badly for her.
"Yes," Hitomi said automatically, her eyes not leaving the flowers.
"Hitomi…" Merle continued.
Hitomi's eyes shot up to Merle's with a slight hint of the same fire that had reared its head at dinner the previous evening. "What do you want me to say, Merle? I don't understand why he would do this. It was lovely and kind, but I'm going home today."
Hitomi winced as the words left her mouth, and she slammed against the back of the chair. Crossing her arms, she stared moodily at the fire.
"Hitomi, you know why…" Merle said carefully. Her eyes were trained on her friend.
"We haven't spoken in ten years. We are very different people now. We don't know each other anymore. It's insanity to expect…" Hitomi's voice trailed off as she fought off the feeling of betrayal that nagged at her heart.
"Ugh, you stupid, foolish girl," Merle responded icily before getting up and stalking out of the room. Hitomi did not deserve Lord Van; she was weak.
When Merle left, Hitomi put her head in her hands and tried not to scream. She had been cruel but honest. If Merle reacted this poorly, how would Van react? Why did he need to complicate things? She was so happy to see him again. Now that she was leaving, she was terrified to go on a sour note. She also feared the tiny feeling nagging at her heart that begged her to stay.
"What would I even do here?" Hitomi groaned to herself as she tried not to cry in frustration.
When the last meeting ended, Van left the delegation as quickly as propriety would allow. He intended to head to his study and arrange for Hitomi's departure. Van had not told anyone about Hitomi's impending return to the Mystic Moon. He wanted to create a small goodbye party amongst their friends, even if he did not want to celebrate her departure. However, he did not make it to his study as planned and instead stood before her door. Raising his hand to knock, he was interrupted by the girl from the Mystic Moon opening the door. Reason left him, and his voice choked as he stared at the green-eyed woman before him.
"Van," Hitomi breathed as she looked up, startled by his presence. She had sensed someone at the door but assumed Merle was returning to continue her tongue lashing.
Van continued to look at her, his head buzzing. He couldn't remember what had brought him to her rooms. He knew he needed to say something as she looked at him expectantly. He was about to turn and leave in shame and embarrassment when Hitomi moved to the side, gesturing for him to come inside. Nodding dumbly, he followed her inside and sat in one of the chairs before the fire.
"I got your gift," Hitomi started, stating the obvious. The flowers surrounded them. She pointedly did not thank him; she was still uncertain about receiving them. They were a complication, and her life was already complicated enough.
Van responded by nodding. His eyes were trained on the fire. He was waiting for his brain to catch up to his actions. This was his chance to convince her to stay, to say something genuinely heartfelt, but he couldn't form the words. He didn't trust himself not to say the wrong thing. The last time he had tried to confess his feelings, it had gone poorly, and she had slapped him.
"Why?" Hitomi asked and looked at him carefully as she waited for a response. Hitomi did not know what she wanted him to say; perhaps she was mistaken, and this was a gift for a friend. She would prefer to be embarrassed by her assumption than be correct and have her gift have strings attached.
Van was pinned in a proverbial corner. He had to say something, anything. She was looking at him with such big expectant eyes. He lowered his head so that his hair fell over his eyes. Hitomi's heart pounded when she saw it; he looked like the boy she had loved all those years ago. She gripped her hand to stop from reaching out and touching him. She wanted to gently brush the hair from his face but did not want to send him mixed signals. She was going home and was already afraid that in doing so, she would hurt him.
"They reminded me of you," he said. Keeping his eyes trained on the floor. It felt like the safest thing he could say, given the circumstances.
"How so?" Hitomi asked cautiously. She was treading on dangerous territory; she knew she should back off, accept his words at face value, and move on, but something kept her from doing that.
"They are known locally as the 'Queen of the Twilight'; they only bloom once a year for a very short time. They are one of the rarest and most beautiful flowers in Fanelia." Van flushed as he finished. He turned his eyes to meet hers and saw tears fill her eyes.
"Van…" Hitomi mouthed his name, but no sound came out.
"Hitomi, I need to tell you…" He started to speak and reached out for her hands.
"Van, stop. Please don't make me hurt you." She said, interrupting him, with tears tracing the delicate curves of her cheeks.
"You still intend to leave then," Van responded, dropping her hand as if her words had burnt him.
"I have responsibilities on Earth. I can't just pick up and not go back," Hitomi said helplessly as she fiddled with her fingers. She looked at the floor, avoiding eye contact.
"Hitomi, I lo…" Van responded desperately. He cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at him.
"No, you don't. I know you think you do, but it's not logical. We don't know each other anymore. It is just the nostalgia from seeing each other again." She sobbed, interrupting him. She placed her hands on his wrist, preventing him from touching her further.
"I know how I feel," Van responded coldly, his eyes hardening. He pulled his hand from her grasp and stood up. Walking to the door, he turned and gave her one last look before leaving and closing the door.
"Van!" Hitomi cried after him as he left. She crumpled to the floor, and her body wracked with sobs. She could not understand why her body was reacting this way. It felt like her entire world was collapsing when he walked out the door. Her heart physically hurt her.
Van walked out of the room. His body felt ridged. Tears burned at the back of his eyes, and his throat was constricting. Turning to the wall, he punched it, trying to let out some energy.
"Damn it." He muttered, trying to forget how his confession had gone. In his mind, she had reciprocated his feelings and had chosen to stay. The reality was far different and much colder. His heart and ego were bruised, and Hitomi was crying. He could hear her through the door. Knowing he was the cause of her tears made him feel a pain that he didn't know was possible.
From across the hall, Merle opened her door a crack. She had overheard what had gone on between Hitomi and Lord Van. Her ears drooped, and her heart hurt for her brother. Closing the door, Merle's eyes filled with tears for her brother. "Oh, Lord Van, I don't know how to fix this."