A cold breeze tickles my face, and I fight the urge to sneeze. I try to dig deeper into my blankets, but it's no use. I'm awake now.

I drag myself up and out of bed, and jump when my bare feet touch the freezing wooden floors.

Winter must almost be upon us.

I bite back a curse, and start pulling on the clothes I had tossed haphazardously around the room last night. I really need to lay off the Green Gin that Jordan's been making. I'm lucky I made it under my covers last night.

I snatch up my tablet, push open my front door, and let the sight before me fill me with awe, like it has done every day for the past few months.

We have a small ring of eight cabins, only four that are fully built, that surround a large fire pit. Octavia insisted that I get the first cabin, though I never did find out why. It was agreed that Murphy and Emori take the second cabin, Indra and Gaia the third, and Jackson and Miller the fourth. The fifth cabin, currently undergoing the last few days of construction, is to go to Octavia and Levitt, our Turncoat Disciple. The past few months, Jordan and Hope got really close, so we're debating on giving them the sixth cabin. The last two would go to Niylah and Raven, respectively. Picasso doesn't get a cabin, he gets all of them. Turns out, Miller is fantastic at carpentry, and he's built each of us our own chair to lounge in at night when we converge around the fire. To the north is our shared building, the one we built first, where most of the others still stay while we finish building. Our Command Center.

Homes. We've managed to build permanent homes here. The dream that we've clung to since we first crashed in the Dropship.

The one that he…

I shove the thought violently from my mind. I cannot think about that right now. I look down at my tablet that Raven painstakingly fixed to work down here and stare for almost a full minute before I realize the reason I can't see the screen is due to the tears welling up in my eyes. I swipe the back of my hand angrily over my eyes, and then I'm able to see my List.

Things To Do Before Winter

- Finish Cabins

- Have abundant stock of healing herbs

- Have six month supply of food

- Finish Walkies (DONE)

- Finish Greenhouse

- Find animals to raise (i.e. Chicken, Cow, or equivalents)

- Have seed packets all squared away before first frost (DONE)

I know we're behind on the cabin building, but we're all meeting in the next hour to lay out the final planning and building schedule. The Greenhouse might have to be finished over winter, since we're having to travel to Sanctum to collect glass panes. It's a pain in the fucking ass. Niylah has been helping me collect the various seeds and healing herbs. Octavia has been gone every day with Hope, Indra, and Gaia trying to collect enough meat. They managed to find a herd of flightless birds to the north the other day and penned them in. We killed one and tried it; it's pretty close to chicken. So we might have a head start on the animals, but we need to build them a coop ASAP. I add that to my list, and groan.

"Hey, Clarke!"

I glance up and see Raven loping over to me. Thankfully, when she gave up Transcendence, they healed her leg before sending her down. She's been running nonstop since.

"Good morning. Chilly today. I think the snow is coming sooner than we planned." I say by way of greeting. She skids to a stop beside me and glares up at the sky. Her face transforms into her "engineering" persona, calculated with a touch of wonder. I reach out and rest my free hand on her shoulder. "Raven, I know you're good. But not even you can stop the weather."

She flashes a grin at me. "Can't blame a girl for trying though, can ya?"

I snort before turning back to my list. "Do you know where Murphy is?" I ask, navigating to a different app that shows the running count of seeds we have stashed away. One of the first things Raven did (with the help of Emori and Jordan) was build a local wireless network and get each of us our own working tablets. They have limited range, but we can communicate and update various documents. The very next thing they did was build a long range transmitter for our walkies.

It takes me a few seconds before I realize that Raven didn't answer me. I turn to her, and see that her eyes are downcast, shoulders slumped. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what that means.

"Got it. I'll go get him. Meet you in CC in 20?"

She nods, then takes off once more, her ponytail swinging merrily along behind her.

I brace myself before heading to the clearing just outside of our little settlement.

Those first few months here, we thought we wouldn't need the clearing for years to come.

But we needed it a lot sooner than any of us wanted, or expected.

I find Murphy, Emori, Jordan, Hope, and Octavia standing around a small mound of dirt in the middle of the clearing. Our Last Graveyard. Miller put up a small cross last week, carved with Echo's name, along with her birth name, Ash, in smaller letters beneath.

I sidle up beside Octavia and wrap her in a hug. "Hey, where's Levitt?"

She squeezes back, but no tears leak from her eyes. They dried up long ago. "He was already here, but he wanted to get a head start on fishing today. He's really taken to it lately."

We release each other and stand in silence, staring at the grave.

"It's been exactly one month." She whispers, and Hope doubles over on Octavia's other side. Jordan wraps his arms around her and helps keep her upright. Her sobs echo all around us.

Four months into our self imposed exile from Transcendence, a wild bear stumbled upon our settlement. It was massive and scarred, and had six limbs. It took all of us to take it down, but not before tragedy struck. The bear had Hope in its sights, and was barreling straight at her. Echo, however, got to her first, and managed to push her aside before the killing blow was struck. I didn't know Echo as well as some, but from the stories I've heard from O and Hope, she would consider her death an honorable one.

Niylah appears across the clearing, a bundle of white flowers in her hands. White, for Azgeda. She leans down and spreads them carefully around the mound of dirt, creating a halo of shining white in the weak fall sun.

Murphy taps me on the shoulder, and jerks his head back towards the cabins. I squeeze Octavia once more before following.

"Hey Murphy, everything ready for your trip today?"

He sniffs and rubs absently at at his nose. I think it was once a nervous tic that has developed into habit. "Yeah, you know me. Ready for adventure, like always."

"And Emori's okay staying behind?"

"Yes, mom. We got it all sorted. I get to go climb a mountain, survey the land, see if I can spot any wild animal tracks, then report my findings. Emori is needed here to help get the new rover up and running. I'll be fine. Cockroach protocol is in full effect." Murphy smirks importantly, and I shove him, almost managing to dump him in a clump of long grass. However, Murphy has always been quick on his feet, and he manages to quickly regain his footing. "Relax," he teases, "you have enough to worry about here. I'll be back in a month. Maybe sooner, depending on the weather."

I snort. "You should've seen Raven this morning. When I suggested that we might get snow sometime soon, she was this close," I hold up fingers less than an inch apart, "to trying to build some sort of weather ray."

Murphy's laughter rings out over the trees. "Well, if anyone could do it, my money's on Raven."

We lapse into silence as we cross the last few yards to CC, pushing open the front door into the almost stifling heat.

Raven stands at the array of screens in the corner, half of which are black or static. She's arm deep in the mess of cables behind it, eyes closed in concentration as she traces the path of a cable. With a swift yank, three of the screens light up once more.

"There!" She detangles herself and turns to face us, a streak of grease marring the side of her face. "Hey guys, you ready?"

She turns to the computer once more as we file in behind her.

"Alright, Cockroach, your goal is to get up towards this ridge. It should have the the clearest view of the valley. Gaia mentioned seeing tracks to the west, heading south, so concentrate your focus there." A screen displaying a map zooms in to show the ridge in question, and highlights where the tracks were found.

I pick up a large duffel bag off the floor and hands it to Murphy. "We've packed you enough supplies for six weeks of food with rationing, but you should still look for food while you're out there. Raven, did you download the cheat sheet for him?" The mechanic nods an affirmative, her fingers flying over the keyboard. Another screen flickers before displaying the visual guide I had spent the last week creating. "Perfect. Use this to help you determine if the plant is edible. If you're ever uncertain, just don't bother. Safe than sorry."

Murphy's nodding along, and I can tell he's bored of us going over the exact same thing yet again.

I sigh and tuck my hair behind my ear. "Look, I don't want to add anyone else to the Graveyard for at least a decade, got it?"

"Well, you know me. I made it this far, didn't I?"

Raven's fingers tap away. "He's got a point, Clarke."

"I know he does." I smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I don't want him to go, if I'm being honest. We're all that's left of civilization, and our numbers are already dwindling. And, strangely enough, I need him. Just like I need Raven and Octavia. Together, the four of us are the ones basically in charge of our settlement. Sure, Jackson has more medical knowledge than I could dream of, and Indra is the oldest member of our group, therefore the most experienced at damn near everything.

But Raven is our technical protege. Octavia was Blodreina. Murphy was a Prime.

Me? I'm just a bringer of death.

And it is my punishment to be excluded from Transcendence.

I'm just grateful they decided to stay behind with me, even though it means I've doomed their fates as well as my own.

I pull something out of a side pocket on the duffel and hand it to Murphy. "There's one flare left. If you run into any trouble, signal us immediately. If we're not there in a day, build a big smoky fire. We will get to you, got it?"

He gingerly takes it from me, tucking it into the waistband of his pants. "Any other tips and tricks before I go on my merry way?"

Raven stops tapping for only the briefest of moments to look at Murphy and I over her shoulder and utter, "Yeah, don't get yourself killed. Can't afford to replace you at this point." A sly smile blooms, and she's back to tapping.

"I knew I would grow on you eventually, Raven!"

"Yeah, like a fucking mold."

Murphy hoists the bag onto his shoulder, but pauses before he's two yards away. "And, what should I do if I find other people out there?"

Cold fear floods my nervous system. No, no one else would choose this. Why did they? Do they have the option to go back? Do they have a back door to Transcendence? Heat prickles the back of my neck, and I turn to see Murphy staring at me, concern etched in every line of his face.

Before I can say a word, Raven is whirling around to face him, her hands fisted on her hips. "What do you mean, what should you do? Bring them back with you. Everyone who Transcended knows why we left and understood the consequences of our decisions. If they come back, it's because they want to live and die. Just like us. If they don't want to come back with you, don't make them! Some people just want to be alone."

A knock sounds at the front door, and Octavia pops her head in. "I heard raised voices. We still good to commence the morning meeting?"

Raven huffs, and I see her deflate a little beside me. I didn't realize how strongly she felt about everything. Did she regret giving up Transcendence?

"Yeah, we're fine. Breakfast should be about ready. Let's get started."

Breakfast is always a hearty affair here. We try to pack on the calories in the morning and at night so that the day is used for the various chores we need to get done. But we need the staying power. Fried fish is always on the menu, though Levitt mentions that he had a harder time than usual catching today. Hopefully the fish aren't leaving us as well, swimming towards warmer waters. I jot down yet another note on the tablet. We also have a ton of greens for everyone to eat a salad, and packets of nuts are distributed to use as midday snacks if need be, thoroughly checked to ensure no spoiled jobi nuts have made it in.

Jordan passes me on his way to grab some fruit, and I reach a hand out to stop him. "Hey, don't let me have too much of the Green Gin tonight, okay?"

He grasps his chest as though shot. "Me? Stop someone from having fun? Oh no, I could never do that."

Hope slides around him, grabbing his wrist and tugging lightly. He raises one eyebrow at me, clearly wondering if I'm going to elaborate why, but I shake my head and wave the pair off.

I don't want anyone to know why I'm like this today.

"Alright, losers, I'm heading out!" Murphy calls, shoving an apple into his mouth as he finishes gathering his gear. I hoist myself up and go to give him a hug goodbye, though a line has formed by the time I get there.

Once he's done with his goodbyes to everyone but me and Emori, he wraps his gangly arms around me and whispers swiftly, urgently, in my ear. Before I can process what he's said, he's gone out the door, Emori trailing after him to walk with him out of the settlement.

"I saw that day with the Red Sun Toxin. And I saw you before breakfast. Don't kill yourself. We chose to be here, we weren't forced. And, believe it or not, we need you."

Damnit, Murphy. That's not my plan. As much as I want to end it all, that's not the plan at all.

My plan is to leave.

I don't deserve to be happy after all the misery I've caused.

I need to live out my life alone, as penance for what I've done.

I watch the pair trek towards the woods, and see the first real flakes of snow drift down from above.