CHAPTER 52

Zoe and I are eating breakfast in her kitchen. It's some kind of Danish, and though I've never had that many before, I really love them and absolutely wish to have them more often. I make a mental note of that and wonder briefly if this is something Bellatrix knows how to make.

As Zoe fills up her glass of orange juice again, she says, "Rosmerta doesn't like her employees' friends to just hang around the inn all day—apparently there's been some issue of it in the past—so I'll ask her if there's a way you can help out. That way you won't be here alone every day."

I swallow. "That sounds good. But—I might not be able to work every day. I think—there are some others I need—well, want—to see."

"That's fine! I just don't want you to be alone in my flat all day because that's incredibly depressing."

I smile a small thanks at her, and we finish our breakfast in silence. Despite my heavy heart and the sorrow in the back of my mind, I'll be fine. This is survivable, as evidenced by my past. Fred isn't the first person I've lost, and considering the Death Eaters and the imminent war looming ahead of us, he surely won't be the last either. After all, losing people comes with the territory of being mixed up with Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort himself. He'll undoubtedly take others from me at some point. I can be fine with this. I can be fine with this.

I've been lying to Fred for so long—well, hiding the truth from him, but that's probably really the same thing as lying, just like he said—that now it almost feels like a relief to have that completely off my chest. Not a true relief, because there is some remaining guilt at having kept such an important issue from him for so long, but at least the lying is done. This brings an intense yet strange peace to my chest and almost makes me genuinely hate myself. I shouldn't be allowed to feel at peace with my mistakes so soon after losing him, and yet I do.

I miss him, and that hurts, but it feels good not to have this lie between us anymore. The worst part is knowing that we will no longer be sending letters to each other. I've lost a friend.

Zoe and I finish our breakfast, then put the dishes in the sink and start down to the Three Broomsticks. "You'll love Rosmerta, I swear. She's a pretty wonderful person."

"I've only ever actually spoken with her to order a butterbeer."

Zoe smiles but doesn't say anything else as we approach the inn. Rosmerta looks up at us when we enter, a surprised expression on her face. "Good morning, Zoe. Who's this?"

"This is Charlotte, she's a friend of mine," Zoe says as the door closes behind us. "She's away from Hogwarts for the Easter holiday, and she's staying with me. I was wondering if she could help out around here some rather than be stuck in my flat by herself."

Rosmerta eyes me for a second, her gaze lingering longer on me than is strictly comfortable. "How long are you staying with Zoe, Charlotte?"

"Just for the week, but I won't need to stay here every day. I'm visiting some people."

"I think we can find you something to do," she says with a nod.

For the rest of the morning, I clean off the tables and sweep the floors and even deliver a few orders to the customers. Being here provides me with enough work to keep me distracted from Fred and my pain and my anger (with myself), for which I am incredibly grateful. As long as Rosmerta keeps me busy cleaning and running orders to tables, I don't have to think about Fred or any of my colossal mistakes.

"So how long have you known Zoe?" Rosmerta asks me during a midmorning lull when I'm up by the counter.

"Just since last year, actually. I'm a transfer from Durmstrang."

"Durmstrang? What's it like?"

"Cold and overrated. My . . . guardian sent me to Hogwarts after the Karkaroff thing."

"Guardian?"

"My parents abandoned me."

Zoe clears her throat and shakes her head at Rosmerta, who stops asking questions and turns her attention to the family in the back corner. "She's nosy, sorry," Zoe whispers to me.

I just kind of shrug at her. "My cover story gets a load of questions. I don't know why Dumbledore chose it." I glance over at Madam Rosmerta who is busy talking to a patron at the bar. "Does it get super busy around lunch or anything?"

"Yeah, but Jesse's coming in, and with his help, it's nothing too serious. He's a hard worker. He was Hufflepuff or something."

I grin at her. "So, it'd be okay if I disappeared for a little while?"

"Yeah, go for it. You know where to find me."

When lunch rolls around, I say goodbye with a promise to return later, then Disapparate.

Bellatrix isn't in her room when I arrive, which isn't that surprising. Considering her rank within the Inner Circle, she might not even be in the manor right now. She could very well be gone, off doing something for the Dark Lord. I didn't tell her to expect me, so why should she?

"Cosmo," I call. The little elf appears in front of me. "Is Bellatrix in the manor by chance? Is she around?"

"Madam Bellatrix is in the kitchen," he tells me.

While going up there to speak to her sounds like a nice idea, there's always a chance that the Dark Lord might be around somewhere, and as I don't want to risk running into him anymore than strictly necessary, I say to Cosmo, "Could you tell her to come down here?"

He vanishes with a loud crack!

I take a seat on the foot of the bed and wait patiently. It doesn't take long for Bellatrix to push open her door and enter her room. "Mum," I say with a smile, going toward her and wrapping my arms around her.

"Has something happened?"

"No, my friend is working, so I thought—I mean, if you don't mind—I thought maybe we could—I don't know—have lunch?"

She puts her hands on either side of my face, an awed look in her eye. "Yes. Why don't we head upstairs now? Cissy and I were just about to eat."

"And the Dark Lord? Will he be upset to learn that I'm here?"

"He won't care if you're here. You're coming around"—I'm really not, but she definitely does not need to know that right now because our relationship is steadily developing and having that fight could jeopardize it—"so he'll be fine with your presence here." That seems relatively unlikely, but I'm not going to question her and risk her growing angry with me. So I'll just . . . believe her for now. Because I want to. Just like I want to believe that she's being kind to me because she loves me, not because she wants to manipulate me into serving Voldemort willingly. Don't even think like that. Just enjoy whatever kindness she gives you.

She slides her arm around my shoulders and leads me out of the basement. "So, if—if my friend has to work again this week before I have to go back to Hogwarts, could I—could I maybe come back?" I glance at her. "To spend time with you?"

Charlotte, you are not supposed to be doing this. You are supposed to dislike her. Snape warned you so many times about this, and yet you still have allowed yourself to get into a position like this. You shouldn't want her affection. You shouldn't want to spend time with her.

Like that's going to stop me.

"Nothing would bring me more joy," she says. "You can spend as much time here as you want." She inhales. "However, I might not be here the whole time. The Dark Lord has still assigned tasks to me."

"I'll spend time with Aunt Cissy if you're not here. I kind of owe it to her for not telling I was here the other day," I say with a grin. "If she's not busy, of course. I just don't want to be by myself when my friend has to work."

She takes my hand in hers but doesn't say anything until we make it back up to the kitchen. Narcissa offers me a welcoming smile, and Bellatrix and I go to take a seat across from her at the table. "Aunt Cissy," I say to her.

Narcissa smiles at me pleasantly, and it warms my heart to see how genuinely happy she is to see me these days. "Charlotte." She looks down at her hands. "How's Draco?"

I clear my throat. "He's—he's struggling. He wants to accomplish his mission, but he's—it's harder than he thought it'd be, I guess. He's almost killed two students now, and he's not handling that well. They weren't supposed to be harmed, you know? I've been trying to help him the best that I can, I promise." Wow, that just came flowing out. She probably didn't even mean it that way; she might've meant in general. Either way, she looks almost grateful, but she doesn't say anything before the house-elves begin putting platters of food on the table.

"I think he misses you," I say as I load up my plate with food.

"I miss him too."

"It'll be June before you know it, and then we'll be around you so much that I'm sure you'll get sick us," I say.

Narcissa smiles weakly. Bellatrix looks over at me and says, "You're planning to be around the manor this summer? You're not going to run back to the Muggle dunghill with Snape?"

My heart aches with indecision. While half of me wants to return to Spinner's End, the other half wants nothing more than to take advantage of all the time with her that the summer holiday can offer. But the thought of not seeing Snape frequently, not taking lessons from him almost daily, tightens my chest. And in the same vein, being away from Bellatrix threatens to make me cry. It's an impossible decision, but for the sake of this conversation, I shrug. "I kind of hope not. He and I spend entirely too much time around each other, and I think I need a break from him. Can you blame me?" Her lip twitches as if she wants to smile. "Besides, one of the biggest reasons I left last summer is because I wanted to get away from you." I swallow and meet her gaze. "I don't think I want that anymore."

She gives my arm an affectionate squeeze. "I don't want that either." She shares a look with Narcissa, who is increasingly happier now than she was a moment ago, then turns her attention to her meal.

"Has Voldemort—"

"Do not use the Dark Lord's name!" they both hiss at me.

"Sorry. Has the Dark Lord planned when the next breakout of Azkaban will be? Does anyone know when Lucius can come home?" Narcissa looks away, a distinct sadness on her face, and though I do not care at all about Lucius, I desperately want him to return because being separated from him so clearly hurts Narcissa.

"The Dark Lord has not said," Bellatrix replies.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Cissy—I didn't—I was hoping there had been good news."

"It's fine," she says airily. "He'll come home eventually."

The rest of our meal is taken in silence, and when we've all finished, Narcissa excuses herself and leaves the room. I look back over at my mother and say quietly, "I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine, love." Her term of endearment brings a smile to my face. "You didn't know."

She leads me from the kitchen and back down to her room in the basement, and though I'm no longer in her presence, Narcissa's sadness haunts me, reigniting my own sadness about Fred. Sure, Fred isn't locked up in Azkaban—he's never done anything evil enough to warrant that kind of torture—but I can't help feeling the sting of his absence when I think about Narcissa's current predicament. And I hate myself for letting myself feel sad over Fred when Narcissa is suffering the knowledge of her husband being trapped in Azkaban.

Tears burn my eyes when we finally reach Mum's room, but I try not to let her see them because I don't want her asking too many questions. She walks us to the sofa. Only when we've sat down does she realize that my eyes are watering, and her face becomes concerned. "Aurelia, what's wrong?"

"I'm just sad," I whisper, unwilling to let slide this chance to confide in her about something—the first time I will ever have a chance to do so.

She puts her arm around my shoulders, and I lean into her. "Aurelia—"

"I just broke up with someone," I confess, caving and wanting to tell her, hoping it might make her kindness genuine, hoping that by sharing this part of me with her, she will grow to love me legitimately. Because none of this feels very real right now. But maybe that's because I don't know her very well beyond the fact that she is a Death Eater. That's something we're working on. "It's fine. He was a blood traitor anyway, but—"

"You're crying over a blood traitor?" she asks, her tone beyond disapproving.

"Don't yell at me," I breathe. "It's over. I'm just sad."

"I won't pretend to be displeased that you ended things with a blood traitor. And in any case, until you fulfill your duty to the Dark Lord, I doubt he'll allow you to be with anyone anyway. You're better off now."

I shift on the sofa and put my head on her lap so I can look up at her. I wipe away a few stray tears and take her hand in mine. "I know, but he was in the Order, and I hoped—"

"The Order of the Phoenix?" she hisses, eyes narrowing at me.

"Yes, I had hoped to glean some information from him, that he would be loose-lipped about some of what they're doing, but—"

"Why would you—"

"Because," I interrupt her, closing my eyes for a moment and hating myself for this lie but also knowing that it will help me in the long term. I look at her again and continue, "Because if I could learn information from the Order to bring back to you and the Dark Lord, you would perhaps no longer think I'm a spy for them." She frowns. "I failed, and it's embarrassing and humiliating, and it was a complete waste of my time."

"You were trying to spy on them?" she asks softly.

"For you, so you wouldn't have to worry about me being a spy against the Dark Lord. Now I'm just embarrassed and sad, because he was kind and funny, and despite all of that, I got no information from him." My face flushes with shame at this lie, but what Bellatrix doesn't know about my life won't hurt her. It's best that she never suspects me of being a true blood traitor.

Her fingers brush some hair out of my face, and my heart clenches. "You don't have to do that," she says. "We have other ways of learning information. And in any case, I don't believe the Dark Lord would approve of you dating anyone until after you fulfill your duty, not even if your intentions are to spy on the Order."

I nod at her, wanting to drop the topic. "Mum—there's not a—a chance of you going back to Azkaban, is there?" Her brow furrows. "I mean—the Dark Lord wouldn't send you on a mission that would risk your incarceration again, would he?"

"You mustn't worry about that."

"But I do," I say quietly, realizing in this moment just how true that is, just how worried I am about her leaving me again to be locked up in that horrible place. The idea of losing her again when I've finally just got her back . . . my throat tightens.

"Aurelia—"

"I love you, Mum, I do, and I don't want—I don't want to—to lose you," I say, a few tears slipping out of my eyes and trailing down into my hair. She wipes a few of them, a look of almost awe on her face. "I don't want to lose you again. I can't—I can't do it. Not again."

"No, my love," she says quietly, "I will never be locked up there again. You really mustn't worry about that."

"I couldn't stand it if I were in Narcissa's position, knowing that someone I loved was in there, knowing that I couldn't do anything to help."

She bends down and kisses my forehead. "Aurelia, as much as I love Cissy, you must realize that her husband is not—well, as skilled or powerful as I am. I will not end up in Azkaban."

"But—"

"And even if I do," she continues, "I am the Dark Lord's best lieutenant. He will not leave me there long."

"He left you there for fifteen years."

"Because he himself was gone. He will not let me go back there."

I tighten my hold on her hand, then press a soft kiss to the back of it. "I'm scared. I just—I just got you back."

To think that a year ago we were Cruciating each other and fighting one another in this very manor in front of the Dark Lord . . . I've let myself slip so far. Snape would be so disappointed in me. I've admitted to loving my Death Eater mother, and now I genuinely fear that something might happen to her and take her away from me.

You only fear this because you've just lost Fred and now you're worried about losing others.

That's not true though. I don't want to lose my mum.

"Nothing will ever part us again, Aurelia, I promise you."

I smile up at her, the confidence in her voice making me believe her. She won't leave me again. I have my mother, and she'll stay with me through all of this. Sure, she thinks it's a privilege, and while that still upsets me, at least she's here. She's actually here, and I have her in my life again. And if I have to go through this awful duty, if there really is no escape, I'm going to want her by my side.

"I love you, Mum."

She touches my cheek. "I love you too."

My eyes water. My mother loves me, and I have her in my life. Despite everything that's led to this horrible position I find myself in, I'm relatively happy. Upset about Fred, sure, but my mother loves me, and that almost makes it okay.

I stay at Malfoy Manor with Mum for a few more hours, and I never let my mind wander to Fred while in her presence. I'm with my mother, and that's all that matters for now. Around midafternoon, she makes more strawberry tarts for me, and we share them with Narcissa, who seems sorrowful but touched.

When it comes time to leave, I find myself desperately not wanting to, and I debate asking whether I can stay for dinner but decide better of it because I can always come back tomorrow. In fact, I think I will. If Bellatrix isn't here, maybe I'll spend time with Narcissa. It seems like she could use a pick-me-up. I just don't want to spend all of my time away from Hogwarts working in the Three Broomsticks. Sure, it's nice to spend time with Zoe, but she's always so busy during the day at the inn anyways that I might as well take this time to work on my relationship with my mother.

Bellatrix kisses my forehead once more before I Apparate back to Hogsmeade.

The days pass easily this week, surprisingly. I go to the Three Broomsticks with Zoe every morning, where I clean off the tables, sweep the floors, and carry drinks ("I'll have to make Zoe bring you around more often," Rosmerta says almost every day now). And it's perfect because it keeps me from being alone right now and keeps me occupied.

Around midmorning, I Apparate to my mother's room at Malfoy Manor, and I spend the next few hours with her and Narcissa. Only twice this week is she not there when I arrive, but I spend those days with Narcissa, who seems grateful to have someone to keep her company when Bellatrix is away. Was she alone at Christmas? Or did Draco go home? I prefer not to know the answer, because I like to think Bellatrix would have had her come to the cottage if she would have been alone.

After my afternoons at the manor, I Apparate back to Hogsmeade and spend the evenings with Zoe. She keeps my mind off Fred better than Bellatrix or Narcissa, but I think that's because the manor is Lucius-free, which weighs on Narcissa and reminds me of my own losses.

I'll never be able to thank Zoe for doing such a wonderful job of keeping my mind off Fred. During the mornings with her and Rosmerta, away from virtually everything that reminds me of him, I can almost convince myself that things aren't truly as bad as they are. I can convince myself that I have not actually messed up another good thing in my life. And at dinner and during the evening when we play with Milo and talk about life at Hogwarts and what might be happening with Voldemort and his Death Eaters, I never have to think about Fred, allowing me to pretend that I'm not sad.

And maybe I'm slowly getting that way, at least when I'm distracted.

It's at night that I grow upset over him.

As I lie in bed, the holidays fading away and my return to Hogwarts growing imminent, the idea of no longer receiving letters from Fred begins to weigh on me. What will I do when I no longer have him to write to? Sure, I'll still be able to write to Zoe, but it'll be different because I won't be writing to Fred at the same time.

And the thought of having to tell Snape why I'm acting differently makes me sick to my stomach, makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide. I don't want him to look at me with those black eyes that will undoubtedly say I should have listened to him and told Fred over the summer. I don't want to face the fact that I am alone because of my own inaction. I am alone because I'm foolish and stupid and deserve to be alone. I don't know why I ever thought I'd be allowed to be happy.

I'm supposed to be alone. Like I've always been alone. I just have to come to terms with that.

I roll onto my side and look into the darkness of Zoe's room. Snape will absolutely notice a difference in me, and sooner or later, most people will. And then they'll probably find out about Fred. And if Draco fails Occlumency just once against my mother, she'll know that it was Fred whom I was dating, and what if she decides to hurt him because he's the blood traitor who had the audacity to date me regardless of the lie I told her?

I don't want to return to Hogwarts and have to face all of this. I want to pretend that this right now—this time with Zoe and my mother—is how my life actually is, not attending Hogwarts and pretending to be a student.

I want to remain a coward hiding in Hogsmeade forever. No, Charlotte, we've been over this. Staying in Hogsmeade will endanger Zoe, and that's something I simply will not do.

I'm not quite ready to leave her just yet. And I hate myself for that.

And I hate myself for wanting to slide closer to her and hold her in my arms. That exact type of thinking is what actually ended things between Fred and me, and yet here I am, still unable to force those thoughts from my mind.

Fred's gone. He's actually gone—I will never again look into those brown eyes again and feel safe. I've ruined yet another good thing in my life.

Tears burn, and I do my best to suppress my sobs. I can't believe I've done this to myself again. I've destroyed something else in my life, and this time there's no one to blame but myself. A sob breaks through me, and I quickly cover my mouth to stifle the sound. Then I wipe the tears from my cheeks and pull my knees closer to my chest. I doubt even my sincerest apologies would get me anywhere with him at this point.

I'm still crying silently when an arm slips around my waist from behind. "You'll be all right," Zoe whispers into my shoulder.