"Provider"
Based on the Angel Episode Written by Scott Murphy
The following story is copyright © 2025 by Mark Moore.
"Now, how's it going?" Angel asked Fred.
Fred looked up from her laptop. "Moments away."
Angel looked over Fred's shoulder at the new website for Angel Investigations and pointed at the "No Case Too Small" text under the "We Help The Helpless" text. "Uh. Can you make that bigger? Bold but, you know, tasteful."
"Hmm. Tasteful. Sure."
Cordelia looked at him. "Angel...I'm glad you wanna take on more cases. I am. I just wanna make sure we don't lose sight of the mission."
"Well, we have to earn a living."
"I agree. But first and foremost, we work for the Powers, help the helpless. Promise me we won't neglect that."
"I promise."
Kate, Faith, and Harmony ran into the lobby.
"I promise." Angel turned to the ladies. "Well?"
Kate grinned. "Well, we did it."
Faith grinned and held up a flyer. "Six-thousand of these fuckers all over town."
"Nice!" Angel looked at Cordelia. "I'd call me, wouldn't you?"
"Hey!" Fred called. "The website's up. We're live."
Angel walked over to the desk and turned the laptop, so everyone could see the screen. "There, beautiful. We're online. We got flyers; we got yellow pages. Ladies, welcome to a new era of Angel Investigations. All we have to do now is wait...for that phone to start ringing and the money to start rolling in. Yep...all we have to do is wait. Just a matter of time. Don't you worry, this town is full of people that have problems."
Everyone waited. The phone was not ringing.
Fred picked up a flyer from the desk and took a closer look at it. "Is this the right phone number?"
Everyone turned to look at Harmony.
Harmony checked the phone number on the flyer against one of their business cards and frowned. "Oops."
The next day, Harmony walked into the Hyperion, carrying a stack of flyers. "That's the last of them. Six-thousand new ones."
Angel walked into the lobby.
Harmony frowned, embarrassed. "Sorry about the mix-up last night."
"It's not important. But we can't afford any more mistakes. Making mistakes cost money, and making money right now is our number-one priority."
Cordelia, sitting at the computer, smiled. "Hey, look! We got some hits on our website."
The phone on Cordelia's desk rang.
Kate picked it up. "Angel Investigations. May I help you?"
The phone on the counter rang.
Faith picked it up. "Angel Investigations. Can I help you?"
Angel smiled. "We're in business!"
In Sherman Oaks, Chloe was sitting on the floor in her bedroom, her back against her bed, watching a tape of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh on her television.
There was a knock on her door.
"Yeah?" Chloe asked.
Her mother opened the door. "Dinner's ready."
"Cool." Chloe picked up the remote control, stopped the tape, set the remote on the floor, stood up, and shut off the television.
She followed her mother out into the hallway, through the living room and dining room, and into the kitchen.
Crisanto was putting the curry-covered chicken thighs on the three plates that were set on the table.
Chloe inhaled the aroma. "Mmm, that smells so good."
Crisanto smiled. "You like it? I made it myself."
Maria smiled. "You did not."
"Well, I helped."
Maria looked at her daughter. "He means he was the official taste-tester."
Chloe laughed and sat down. Her mother joined her. Her father put the pan and spatula in the sink and soon joined them.
Chloe picked up her cocktail fork and gently lifted the skin off her chicken thigh. She set it aside, saving it for later. Then she set down her fork, picked up her spoon, and dug into the stuffing.
"So how's your training coming along?" Crisanto asked.
Chloe shrugged. "It's okay. I'm not very good at breaking blocks, though."
"Wood or cement?" Crisanto asked.
Chloe chuckled. "Wood. I don't even wanna try cement."
"Well, I would think wood is the most important, right?" Maria asked. "Y'know, makeshift stakes?"
"Unless I'm fighting a vampire at Home Depot, I can't imagine a situation where I would have to break a wooden block. I'd mostly be fighting in cemeteries, right?" Chloe asked, picking up her chicken thigh. "Just break off a tree branch." She bit into the thigh.
Maria stared at her for a moment. "Oh."
That night, the Hyperion lobby was full of people (not all of them human). Fred took a clipboard from one of the non-humans. Angel walked up beside her.
"Welcome to Angel Investigations, Mr..." Fred looked at the clipboard. "Blee...Lee...Shushngrung. Um, please have a seat, and one of our associates will be right with you."
Angel looked at Kate. "Hey, Kate. Non-human on deck."
Kate was talking to three gray aliens, wearing long robes and silver face masks. "Coming." She left them to talk to Angel. "Hey, the guys with the chrome faceplates, they're called Nahdrahs. They speak in a language that seems to be mostly clicks, whirrs, and popping sounds. I get the gist of what they're saying, sort of. If I understand them correctly, they've got a job for Fred and a great deal of money. They saw her Web articles on DNA fusion comparisons in Tri-ped demon populations."
"Oh, let's not keep them waiting, huh?"
"What about the guy that you called me over here for?"
"He can wait. Talk to the Nahdrahs."
"O...kaaay." Kate walked back over to them.
Faith, leading a young blonde woman, walked up to Angel. "Hey, office free? It's kind of personal."
"Yeah. Go."
Cordelia was sitting at the counter, phone in hand. "We're getting stretched a little thin here, Angel."
"Come on. Nonsense. We can handle it."
"Really? Well, then why don't you handle it by picking up lines two, three, and four?"
Angel shrugged and walked towards the phones.
Faith was pouring some tea for the blonde in the office.
"I don't sleep. I'm afraid to go out or answer the phone."
"Yeah, I hate stalkers. Look, don't worry. We'll put a stop to it." Faith handed her the cup of tea. "Have a seat."
"Thank you." She sat down.
Faith sat in Angel's chair. "So, Ally, do you know who this guy is?"
"Yeah, well, it's - it's Brian, my ex-boyfriend."
"Have you...been to the police?"
"Yeah. They act like I'm some kind of nut. Just...like I'm making it all up."
Faith rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you go to the cops for help, they don't do shit until somebody ends up dead."
"Somebody is dead."
"Who?"
"Brian." Ally held up the flyer. "Isn't that the kind of shit you guys deal with?"
"Yeah. All the time. So...Brian, your dead boyfriend, is stalking you?"
"Well, I mean...he's not my boyfriend now."
Fred was talking to the Nahdrahs with Kate translating.
"The Internet article that I'm currently writing posits a formula for the genome mapping of creatures that don't have genes. It's an exciting arena."
Kate listened for a while. "They want to buy your head."
Fred looked at Kate in panic.
Kate frowned, embarrassed. "Sorry. I should probably clarify that." She clicked away at the Nahdrahs.
One of them held up a metal suitcase.
Kate nodded. "They want your mind. They're celebrating their prince's, uh, it's - it's like a birthday, only they're not born as much as disgorged. They - They need you to solve one of their traditional puzzles, so they can give it to him. It's quite an honor. Could be interesting."
Fred was looking at the Nahdrahs' robes. "Sure. These are puzzle people. Did you notice the designs on their tunics?" She traced the design. "Geometric shapes. Each a prime number, if you count their edges, arranged in ascending order of exponential accumulation."
Kate smiled at her. "Yes, I did...not...notice that at all."
Fred grinned back at her while the Nahdrahs started clicking away at Kate.
"Uh, they wanna know why..." Kate paused in embarrassment. "...my girlfriend was pointing at them."
Fred nearly blushed. "Your...girlfriend?"
There was lots of excited clicking going on by the Nahdrahs. The Nahdrahs left in a hurry.
"Did I say something wrong?" Fred asked Kate.
"No. No, they liked you."
"So much that they ran away?"
Kate smiled in embarrassment. "They either have to consult with their prince or go eat a cheese monkey."
Faith poked her head out of Angel's office. "Kate? I think I'm gonna need you on this one."
"Great. I'm on my way." Angel hung up the phone and picked up the piece of paper from the desk. He walked over to Cordelia. "Big case. Got to run."
"Oh..."
Later, Angel walked into the lobby of the Hyperion, which was deserted except for some papers strewn here and there and Cordelia and Fred sprawled on the settee.
"Is this country great or what? Five-thousand smackeroos, and all I have to do to collect five-thousand more is clean out a vamp nest downtown. Where is everyone? I wanna show 'em this."
Cordelia looked at him. "Out on a case."
Fred looked at him. "There's a young woman whose dead boyfriend is stalking her."
"That's terrible. Did you-"
"I ran her credit." Cordelia nodded. "She's solvent."
"Nice."
"Angel...I don't think it's such a great idea to be working on so many cases at once. I mean...what if we're all out making money, and some poor devil stumbles in here and needs our help?" Cordelia asked.
"Well-"
"Uh, we've got company."
Angel turned to see the Nahdrahs walking in, clicking away as soon as they entered.
"These are the guys that wanted Fred."
"For what?" Angel asked.
"Her enormous brain. They're convinced she can solve the puzzle that they wanna give to their prince."
"Where would she have to go, and how long would it take?"
"They live on a barge, currently docked in the marina. And a day or two; depends no how long that it takes her to solve it."
Angel looked at Fred. "You game?"
Fred shrugged. "Sure."
"Any chance we can get Kate back here to go with her to translate?"
Fred smiled. "It's okay. I've been learning their language."
"Of course, you have. Tell 'em it won't be cheap. They're getting one of our top employees. That's salary, per diem, overtime-"
"Okay, okay." Fred clicked and popped away at the Nahdrahs.
One of them lifted the metal suitcase up.
"They apologize for their paltry offering and hope you'll accept fifty-thousand dollars?!" Fred exclaimed in shock.
"Fifty-thousand dollars?" Angel reached out and grabbed the suitcase, a big smile on his face. "We accept."
Faith, Harmony, and Kate were guarding Ally at her home.
"You know, I consider myself independent, and it's hard for me to ask for help, but...it really feels good for you guys to be in the house. You know, that woman that you work with was right. You inspire confidence."
"Which woman?" Harmony asked.
"Brunette, really cute, Texan, maybe?" Ally guessed.
Kate smiled. "Fred."
Faith turned to look at her. "Girl, you've got a cruuush! Ask her out already!"
Ally held out a photograph. "Here, this is Brian. Not exactly a rocket scientist, but, uh, he's so sweet. You ever meet somebody, and you just know you belong together? It just feels..."
Faith and Harmony smiled. "Comfortable."
They looked at each other.
Harmony smiled warmly at Faith. "You watch all the same TV shows."
Faith returned the smile. "You laugh at the same dumb jokes."
Ally smiled. "And the sex. Oh, God, do I miss the sex." She lost her smile. "So...explain something to me. How can Brian be stalking me if he's dead?"
Kate thought for a moment. "There are any number of explanations. Witchcraft, black magic, voodoo, zombiefication, demon possession, even vampirism."
"But why? Why is he hanging around here? What does he want?"
"Maybe there's something that he left unfinished, something that he wants to tell you."
Harmony shrugged. "Or maybe he just wants to eat your intestines."
Kate shot her a look. "Harm." She looked back at Ally. "We don't know he's a zombie, and, besides, the flesh-eating is a myth. Zombies merely mangle, mutilate, and occasionally wear human flesh. So there is no reason to be frightened until we have a better idea-"
The door, beside which Kate was standing, cracked open, and a pale hand grabbed a hold of her.
Kate threw herself against the door, trying to force it shut again. "A little help here!"
Harmony ran over and started to beat on what was visible of Brian with her baseball bat. Brian retreated, and they slammed the door shut.
Kate nodded. "'Kay. Zombie, it is."
Fred climbed onto the Nahdrahs' barge. She was led into a big, open room on the deck of the barge. The Nahdrahs clicked away as they led her further into the room. Fred posed, and one of them took her picture. There were irregularly-shaped hunks of glass, softly glowing from within, spread out on a table.
"I'm guessing it fits together in some sort of algorithmic sequence? Any hints?" Fred asked, then clicked at the Nahdrahs.
They clicked back at her.
"Guess not." Fred sat down at the table, opened her laptop, and took a closer look at the pieces. "So. Causation. Corollary. Causatu Corollary. Are we talking a closed curve of finite length in a simply-connected domain of zero?" She thought about that. "That would be too easy, wouldn't it?"
One of the Nahdrahs came over with a tray containing eyeballs and insects on round crackers.
Fred frowned in disgust. "Oh, really, I couldn't. I had eyeballs and insects for breakfast."
Later, Fred was putting some of the glass hunks together. "There is an ascending and descending causation instantly proved by...that!" She giggled. "I think I'm on to something here." Then she realized she was speaking English. "Oh...I'm sorry." She clicked to the Nahdrah watching her progress.
The Nahdrah pointed and clicked in answer. Fred slid another glass piece into place, causing the Nahdrah to hurry away.
Cordelia went to lock the Nahdrahs' money up in the safe. She froze, a wide-eyed expression on her face. She had a vision of Fred solving the puzzle, of the prince and the laptop screen, then of a knife blade coming at Fred.
"Oh, God. Fred, don't solve that puzzle."
Fred put another piece of glass into place, smiling. "Shouldn't be long now."
Ally sighed. "Do you guys know how much longer we're gonna be? I've got plans this evening."
Kate gave her a look. "We've taken every precaution, secured every entrance-"
They heard glass breaking, and Faith, Harmony, and Kate stood up, weapons at the ready.
Faith gave Kate a look. "With the possible exception of the skylight in the kitchen."
Brian walked in. "Ally! Ally...baby, I just-"
Ally flinched as Harmony hit Brian over the head with the baseball bat.
Kate looked at Ally. "Into the bedroom."
Brian pushed Kate and Harmony away from him as Ally ran for the bedroom. They picked themselves back up, and Harmony clubbed Brian again before they hurried after Ally. Faith drew the dagger that Angel had given her from its sheath and faced off against Brian.
Brian tried to go around Faith, but she stabbed him in the face with her dagger. Undeterred, Brian swatted her aside.
Harmony and Kate were sliding a dresser in front of the bedroom door as Brian pounded on it.
"Ally, why won't you talk to me?"
"Because you're dead. Now, go away!" Ally looked at Kate and Harmony. "You know, I'm paying good money here. Can you please get rid of him?"
Harmony and Kate tried to brace the dresser, but it was slowly pushed back to the point where Brian could stick his head in through the crack in the door.
"Just give me another chance, baby." Brian looked at Harmony and Kate. "Who are these chicks?"
Kate looked at him. "We're here to protect her from you, actually."
"Protection?" Brian let out a deep breath and smiled at Ally. "I thought you were dating them."
"You know, this is exactly why I broke up with you. You're suffocating me! Now, get lost!" Ally tried to help push the dresser.
Harmony lifted her bat one-handed and bashed at Brian's hand and head with it. They managed to shut the door. They all waited and listened for a moment, then Kate motioned for Harmony to take a look as she slid the dresser back. Harmony looked. Brian was sitting, hunched over. Faith was standing nearby, unsure what to do. She casually pulled her dagger out of Brian's face.
"What's he doing?" Kate asked.
"Pouting."
"Okay. That's it." Ally walked past Harmony, out into the living room. "You know, this is so typical of you. You're all bluster, and then you pout."
"I thought we had fun together."
"We did, but you're so...needy."
"Needy? Because I cared?"
"Caring didn't entitle you to read my diary, follow me to work-"
"I never...Okay, I read your diary once or twice. Does that give you a reason to poison me?"
Ally noticed Faith, Harmony, and Kate looking at her.
"What? You're gonna believe everything a zombie says?" Ally asked.
"Are you saying she killed you?" Kate asked Brian.
"I'd forgive her if she'd take me back."
"You're kidding, right?" Harmony asked.
"No." Brian looked at Ally. "Baby, I've seen the guys you've been going out with. You're not having any fun! Come on. Let's give it another shot."
Ally stayed silent, just looking at Brian.
Brian got up, smiling. "What do you say? Me and you?"
Ally half-smiled. "Eew, I-I can't. It's creepy."
"Come on. I miss you."
Faith shook her head.
"Oh. I don't know." Ally paused in consideration. "Maybe I was a little...hasty."
They grinned at each other, then hugged.
Faith, Harmony, and Kate looked at each other as Brian gave Ally a kiss.
Kate turned back to face Ally. "Will that be cash or credit?"
Fred slid the last piece of the puzzle into place; the glass pyramid that she had formed lit up. The Nahdrahs around her clicked away in excitement.
Fred took off her glasses, a big smile on her face. "Oh, it was nothing."
The Nahdrahs took a hold of her and pulled her along.
"Oh. Are we going somewhere to celebrate?"
They entered another room. The Nahdrahs pushed Fred down in a chair across from their prince and closed the clamps to hold her in place.
"Oh, God. I don't have to marry him, do I?" Fred asked. "What are you gonna do?"
One of the Nahdrahs was holding a blade up.
"Help!" Fred screamed.
A sharp whistle sounded, and everyone turned to look at Cordelia standing in the doorway, holding the suitcase of money in her left hand and a sword in her right hand.
"Hey!" Cordelia yelled. "I'd just like a word here."
Fred grinned. "Oh, boy, you guys are so gonna get your asses kicked!"
"Fred, translate. There's been a terrible misunderstanding. And I know you're men of honor, and I know we can make a simple exchange...in a-a civilized manner."
Cordelia looked at Fred, who started to click away at the Nahdrahs.
Cordelia set down the suitcase. "We return your gracious gift, and you return Fred. Sorry about the confusion, but we kind of need her head at work."
Fred nodded. "Firmly attached to her body."
"That goes without saying."
Fred was staring at her.
"Say it!" Cordelia yelled.
Fred clicked away to the Nahdrahs, who answered back and raised their weapons.
"I told them what they had to do and told them what would happen if they didn't do it."
"Kind of unnecessary." Cordelia gave the Nahdrahs a big smile. "Fred...do these guys have dicks?"
"Is that really important right now?"
"Work with me here, kiddo."
"I think so. I never knew one intimately."
Cordelia stepped forward and kicked one of the Nahdrahs between the legs. She heard a metal clang and hopped back on one foot.
"Oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck!" Cordelia yelled in pain.
Cordelia hopped backwards through the curtain - only to run back in and attack the Nahdrahs.
The Nahdrah standing next to Fred held the sword blade against her throat, and Fred began to scream.
Cordelia swung her sword and hurled the suitcase. The suitcase knocked the Nahdrah with the sword backwards, away from Fred, before bursting open against the wall. The sword decapitated the prince. All of the fighting and screaming stopped as the Nahdrahs stared at their headless prince.
Cordelia stared. "Well, I guess you cut off the snake's head..."
All of the Nahdrahs started clicking and raised their weapons.
Fred frowned. "You piss the other snakes off."
Cordelia resumed fighting, decapitating some of the Nahdrahs. Nahdrah bodies littered the floor.
"That's what happens when you fuck with a Slayer!" Cordelia decapitated the final Nahdrah.
When it was over, Cordelia worked on freeing Fred. She helped Fred up out of the chair.
Fred smiled. "If you can keep your head when those about you are losing theirs, guess you're pretty lucky. I could kiss you."
Cordelia gently held Fred. "I'm flattered, but there's someone else that would rather kiss you."
"Who?" Fred asked.
"Who do you think? Kate!" Cordelia told her.
"Oh..." Fred grinned. "Really?"
"Really." Cordelia looked at the spilled money. "Shit. Do I even try to pick all of that up?"
Fred frowned. "The fuckers tried to cut my head off. We earned every penny."
"Hold my sword."
Fred took the sword from Cordelia, who rushed over to the spilled money and started to stuff it into the suitcase.
When Cordelia and Fred arrived back at the Hyperion, they found Angel, Kate, Faith, and Harmony in the lobby.
"Hey, how'd your cases go?" Cordelia asked.
Faith shook her head. "Weird. That Ally chick killed her boyfriend, and now they're back together."
Harmony nodded uneasily. "Yeah, I'm a romantic at heart, but even I was like 'Eeww, what if body parts start falling off...during?'"
The others made disgusted faces.
Angel sighed. "I got gypped out of my money."
Cordelia frowned. "Sorry. But money's not the most important thing."
"No, it's not."
"But still..." Cordelia held up the suitcase and grinned. "...I slaughtered the Nahdrahs and cleaned them out. We're talking a cool hundred-grand."
The others - except Fred - stared at her in shock.
Cordelia smiled. "Oh, don't worry, there's a totally moral reason that I did that."
Fred nodded. "They were gonna kill me."
"Oh." Angel paused. "Well, that's okay, then. Let's lock it up."
Cordelia followed Angel over to the safe.
Fred looked at Kate and smiled. "Hi."
Kate smiled. "Hi."
Harmony folded her hands together and grinned in excitement as she watched. Faith took hold of her arm and dragged her upstairs.
"I'm glad that you're safe." Kate paused. "I have to admit I'm a bit jealous of Cordy. I wish I was the one to save you."
Fred smiled. "You have saved me. I'll never forget it." She stepped closer to Kate.
Kate hesitated. "Would you indulge me in something?"
"What is it?" Fred asked coyly, her smile widening.
Kate put her hands on Fred's cheeks. Fred looked into Kate's blue eyes, nervous. Kate kissed Fred on the lips. Fred hugged Kate and hesitantly started kissing Kate back. The two of them just stood there for a while, relishing in the feeling of each other.