Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any character, story element or plot item originally published in the Harry Potter books or movies that I may refer to in this story. I'm merely playing in the sandbox.

Author's note: Welcome back, dear reader, to another of my random ideas that I don't know what else to do with.

Every now and then, it's just time to sit back and watch the world burn…

Harry leaned back in his seat in the bar. He had a drink already in front of him, letting the old man at the counter know it was for the person he was meeting, not for himself. He'd entered using his cloak and had sat in the far back of the tavern, almost fully engulfed in shadow.

Couldn't be more obvious that I was up to something, but hopefully, it'll do for her.

"Harry," the voice was reminiscent of Mandrake roots. Harry hoped he would just die rather than talk to the overly made-up woman before him.

"Ms. Skeeter. Please, have a drink. I believe your usual is Firewhiskey with a Gillywater shot mixed in?"

This caused her to pause. "You were raised muggle. How did you know?"

"Research is a core part of this tournament, Ms. Skeeter. I learned hard and fast that I would need to do so."

She sat and took a sip, wincing. "Bit strong on the whiskey."

Harry shrugged. "No idea. I don't drink."

She smiled. "Of course. You didn't make it anyway." She sipped again, then pulled out parchment and quill.

Harry gestured. "Not your green one. I'll answer your questions, but only with a standard Dictaquill."

"Sorry, Mr. Potter, but I don't have one." She shrugged. "Guess we'll have to make do." She began to tap and activate her quill when a box slid over to her.

"I planned ahead. Consider it a gift."

The pair stared for a long moment, then she shrugged. "Of course. Thank you."

How much embellishment will you just add after the fact? Harry calmly watched as she bonded the quill, running a few tests and nodding at the quill's response. He enjoyed the scowl on her face as she did so. Gonna have to work for this hatchet job.

"As I was saying, I'm glad you could slip away and meet with me. A follow up piece will be beneficial."

"I had thought so. We focused so much on my past and the Tri-Wizard that we didn't really get past the early years."

"Yes, there are some very interesting rumors that came out of research from your first three years. Stories of a basilisk? A troll?"

"Nothing compared to the professors I murdered."

"I see…murdered?" The turn in her face was quick, shock overwriting the faux smile that she usually wore.

"Well, the first one was some kind of magical accident, he just turned to dust. The others were harder."

"Others…I don't understand."

"Lockhart…well, he wasn't worth the act." Harry held up his hand and waved to the old man at the counter. "I think my friend here needs another."

The man almost dropped the glass on the counter, stalking off. Harry shook his head. Why does he smell like a goat? "Anyway, after he obliviated himself, he wasn't worth it. The rest of the staff, though…"

"I don't understand, I met with Dumbledore."

"My servant? Yeah, you saw him. He only did what he was supposed to do. Frankly, he's the easiest to control. He's out of his mind. What did he say on the first day as his few words? Mumble, oddment, tweak? What kind of insanity is that?"

"How are you controlling them?" She took another drink and Harry shrugged.

"You don't think that a baby can really survive a Killing Curse, do you?" He laughed. "Boy Who Lived. What nonsense." He leaned forward and met her eyes with is deep green, almost glowing with power. "I died. Then I came back. Fought may way back. I lived a thousand years in that dark field, facing Death. He couldn't claim me as a baby. I wasn't supposed to be there. I couldn't move on, couldn't stay. It was a constant battle of some strange magic. I remember every minute."

"But you were a baby."

"I still know what she said. 'No, take me, don't hurt him!'" Harry mimicked, then shrugged. "Voldemort just laughed, told her to stand aside, then made her." For a moment, Harry thought about buying a drink himself.

"So, what happened?"

"One day, I killed him. Death died. I left that place. I assume someone else took his pace, but that's not my problem. I have to get rid of the remaining shade of the dark wizard that sent me there. That's why."

"Why what?"

"The troll, the basilisk? Sent by his echoes. I took over the staff after the incident with Black last year. The dementors didn't know what to do with me, wanted to kill me, needed me around. They weakened them and frankly, I needed an army."

"What about the students?"

"Half of them died during the dementors. Do you know how many of those guys think that the Forbidden Forest is forbidden because there are test answers there or candy or some stuff like that? Heard the Weasley twins swear there was a Veela colony in there. They've been gone since the beginning of the year!"

She drained her drink, watching the notes pull together. "This'll be the story of my lifetime."

Harry grinned. "Of course. I wanted to brag, plus, if Voldemort thinks it's safe to come out, I can kill him and get on with my next mission. I've decided to make all werewolves turn pink during the full moon. They'll stand out then."

"Why would you do that?" Her eyes were glassy and Harry debated motioning for another drink. He kept his hand down.

"Seems fun to do. You should look into the troll and the basilisk and the number of students who found a Cerberus in the castle. Will probably make a fun bit of reading for your audience."

"I'll…yeah." Her head dropped and Harry shook his head, tapping his wand to the quill to end the recording. He gestured again.

The bartender looked at him, but Harry nodded. The drink came over and he casually poured it over her head, adding the glass to the other two. Harry slipped the notebook and quill into her purse, then another piece of parchment into her sleeve, tapping it with his wand. Skeeter vanished.

"Where'd she go?"

"Do you want to know?"

"Lad, you pay for the drinks and a bit extra, I won't know you were born."

Harry dropped three gold coins on the table. "That should cover the drinks."

"More than enough."

Harry gestured to the mess. "Another for the cleanup." He dropped one, then followed with fifteen more. "And as far as you know, James and Lily never even met, much less had a kid that might have shown up here."

The man grinned, slipping the coins away with a wave of his hand. "James and Lily who?"

Harry nodded, then vanished into his cloak, slipping away.

Back at the Shrieking Shack, he met Moony. "Well?"

"I'd love to know what she remembered seeing, but she drank the doctored drink and one more. They'll find her in her office sometime stinking of whiskey and probably still sloshed, based on what Padfoot said."

"The less you know, the less I have to Obliviate."

Harry nodded. "Dobby?"

"Yes, sir?" Dobby appeared next to Harry.

"He's going to make me forget something. You won't tell me about this until after Moony here tells you that it's safe for me to know. Then he'll bring me to you to fix this."

"Dobby will remember." Dobby nodded.

"Thank you. When he gestures to you, pop me to my room and at my desk, like I've fallen asleep on a book."

There was a waved wand and everything faded.

Going down to get breakfast, the number of fingers that pointed at him and chattering made him wonder if the school had lost whatever was left of its collective mind.

"So, Potter, half of the school are Inferi and you are our vampire lord?"

"Could have fooled me. Why would Lupin have taught me last year if I was? Werewolves and vampires hate each other."

The Ravenclaw student who had been sneering seemed to pause. "Yeah…but what about this?"

There was a Daily Prophet in his hand. Harry skimmed the first paragraph and laughed. "I was studying. I'd like to survive this Tournament nonsense, remember? I definitely wasn't at the Hog's Head giving an interview. I have enough attention on me." He laughed and pointed to the badge on his chest, stuck permanently at "Potter Stinks" and now glowing to draw attention to itself.

"I…just stay away from me."

"That was the plan, whomever you are." Harry shrugged and kept walking past the Great Hall entrance, heading for the kitchen.

A/N: So…a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I worked in the newspaper industry. Part of me sees the truth in Skeeter behavior with a bit of sorrow and part of me despises her, so why not make her look like a fool? I know I remember someone doing this with Polyjuice and one of the staff at Hogwarts to send her off on a wild goose chase, but this…this just made me laugh. You'll likely see this again, in a different form. It could fit in with a couple different stories I have in progress. Just need to figure out where.

Thanks for reading and, until next time, make sure you know what you're ingesting.