Hey! Some of you have probably seen that I was going to stop posting here. However, for the sake of anyone who can't access AO3, I will put updates here!
Chapter 75
"Are you sure I can't tempt you with another, Mer?" Cristina asked, waving her drink in Meredith's face.
"No, no. I'm okay. I've had two and I'm probably going to regret those so I think it's best I don't go any further."
"What happened? Not a fan of drinking anymore?" Izzie asked. "Normally you're the one we need to drag away.
"I drank so much at that wedding and after the test that I think I'm still hungover now." Meredith only half-joked. "It's so good, but the aftermath-"
"Mmm. We get it." Cristina agreed. "The curse of alcohol. It's just so good, but then...early morning floor time in the bathroom. That bit isn't so great."
Meredith nodded. "Hard agree. Now, I'm gonna head to the toilet, be back in a minute."
"We...went to Joe's to celebrate. Had a few drinks."
Derek looked up at that. She was...speaking. He was so surprised that she was opening up that he couldn't even reply.
"And it was going okay. I was happy, everyone was there celebrating so...it was nice." She continued. "But...then it wasn't-"
"Grey."
She swallowed, closing the bathroom door behind her. "Dallias. This uh- the men's bathroom is before this. Over...over there."
"I know."
"I'm uh-" She licked her lips. "I'm sorry to hear you're not going to make it into next year."
"Sure." He agreed with a twitch of his brow. "I can appreciate the courtesy, but I'm not a fan of the lying."
She gulped. Crap. "Um- my friends are-"
"Yeah. I know your friends are waiting for you. What I want to talk 'bout is what I heard you and your little gang talking about that night you took the test. So- tell me, Grey...Were you actually worried about your test?"
"I mean...I liked to think I didn't fail bad enough to get kicked out, but I was a little worried I guess." She answered. She chose to be honest, because she couldn't figure out which way she was supposed to be lying to get out of this situation.
"So...you wouldn't recommend it? It wouldn't have helped me?"
"Wouldn't have recommend what?"
"You know...climbing the ladder." He said in a voice that made it obvious that it was code for something.
"The ladder?"
"Fucking an attending, Grey." He elaborated with a sigh when she didn't get it. "C'mon. Would you have recommended it or not? Protection from getting kicked out the programme, more surgery, higher status."
Oh, crap.
This was about her relationship.
She took a step back from him. "You think I'm dating an attending for the sake of dating an attending?"
"Wow, you figured it out. Great. You're a genius. Clearly, you aren't that sharp. Not sharp enough to nearly beat Yang."
She didn't even know what to say to that, nor his accusation. She was with him because she loved him. It was that simple. But she couldn't say that. And she'd done well because she'd revised for hours upon hours for weeks and weeks.
"Nothing to say? No rebuttal? Really?"
"Meredith-" He breathed when she fell silent. He needed to know what had happened. She was still shaking and tears were still falling; she couldn't be okay, and he doubted she could be anywhere in the near future either. They could ignore some things as a couple, but not this.
"Dallias failed his intern exam. He was mad- drunk- confronted me outside the toilets-" She trailed off as she raised her hand to her mouth.
A shaking leg was her stress mechanism, was what she had said. Unless it was really bad, unless she was stressed out of her mind. When that happened she said she...bit at her nails. Like she was doing now. He swallowed hard at that.
"He said things that..."
"Leave. Right now." She said, with her strongest voice. Unfortunately, it came out as no more than a quiver. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Dallias; you're drunk."
"I'm not going anywhere, Grey. I want to hear all about you and your little relationship. You care about yourself and your body that little? You're happy to give yourself up for power? For protection?" He laughed. "You found the most vulnerable, desperate attending and sold yourself to him. And what did you even get? Was it worth it?"
She got a kind, loving boyfriend, and it was worth it every second of every day. But she couldn't say that. She couldn't help but note that this was the first time anyone wanted to say negative things about her when it came to her relationship. She was the one taking advantage, apparently. At least he wasn't insulting Derek.
"So? Tell me about it. Did it work? Did he slip you the answers? Did you even achieve 92 on your test yourself?"
She swallowed, feeling her heart beat a little faster, but tried her best to stay composed. "He didn't do anything for me. He doesn't do anything for me."
"He doesn't do anything for you? He hasn't been helping you? Really?" He laughed. "Why won't you just admit it? You've been selling your body for the surgeries, for the power."
She felt her back hit the wall. He'd gotten closer and closer, and all she did was keep backing away, again and again. "Dallias, please-"
"C'mon, I want to hear you say it."
But there was no where else to go now.
"Grey." He pushed again. "I'm waiting. Admit it. Say it out loud, right here, right now."
She could feel his breath on her skin.
"Are you selling yourself for surgery?"
He was so close.
"For the last time, Grey, fucking admit it. How little do you care about who you sleep with?"
Too close.
He sighed, "How about me?"
Too close, too close, too close.
"Would you sleep with me?"
No. No, no, no.
"What happened? What did he say?" He pushed softly, hoping it would help her get some more words out. "Because you know, whatever he said- if it was something bad about you, it isn't true. Because you are so amazing, and beautiful, and funny, and intelligent, and just- there's nothing not to love so if he said something bad, I know he was wrong."
She didn't speak for a long moment before finally pulling her hand from her mouth to stop. Her leg was still shaking though. "Can you..."
"Yes. Anything. I can do anything you want me to do." He agreed as she failed to compete her sentence. He didn't care what is was- climb Mount Everest, move country, fly to the moon. He'd do anything for her to just stop crying. He'd do all of those things to see her smile.
"Can you-" She swallowed, hard. "Can you tell me about consent again?"
"What?" He breathed instantly.
"Consent. Tell me about consent."
Tears burnt in his eyes again. Why did she want to talk about consent right now? He didn't want to- couldn't think about that. He couldn't. He couldn't. He couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't. "Meredith-"
"What if I didn't mind it?"
Bile burnt his throat.
"Like...I didn't cry or anything. I didn't want to do it, but it wasn't so bad that I ran away or anything. You know?" She continued.
He felt warm, wet tears fall down his cheeks. He wished they hadn't. This wasn't about him. This was about her. All about her. But he loved her far too much to stop them.
Because, no.
No, he didn't know.
He really didn't know.
No one should know.
Because that was not consent.
"Did Dallius hurt you, Meredith?" He asked with a low, shaky voice. She'd been hurt. Meredith. His Meredith. His beautiful, sweet, perfect Meredith.
She shook her head.
"Not crying is not consent. Not minding is not consent. None of that is consent. If that's what he did to you-"
"C'mon, you know I'm a good looking guy."
Too close, too close, too close.
"I'm the guy girls chase. I'm hot and I'm kind and I'm talented. I can have dates any day I want, any night I want. You'd be lucky to have me, lucky for me to offer you this, honestly. I know you want me. Take my offer as a blessing. Thank me."
Too close, too close, too close. Too close, too close, too close.
He clutched her wrist, a hand moving to touch her waist.
Too close, too close, too close. Too close, too close, too close.
"Dallius didn't do that."
He stared at her for a long time, trying comprehend why the hell she would ask those questions if it was nothing to do with what had just happened.
Then he got it.
Dallius didn't do that.
He didn't speak for a second, trying to remember how to even form words, nevermind sentences before speaking, "Sometimes, after the accident, I'd do something or someone would say something, and I'd...feel it all over again. Like...it sent me back there- to the pain, to the fear, to the- to the feeling of this like-" He paused for a second to swallow. "I was so scared of dying that night. And even though I was safe, I kept feeling it over and over again- like, everyday for months. And it sounds stupid because I know I was safe, and fine, and that...you know, it wasn't real but it...it felt so real that it might as well have happened again."
She didn't speak. She couldn't.
He slowly slid his hand into hers, taking care and time to make sure she was okay with him touching her again. She didn't pull away, and he took that as a sign that it was okay. "Is...is that what happened today? Did something like that happen to you today?"
"Think I'm...losing it. Or...or something. I...I don't know. Hallucinating? I don't-" She sniffed as a few more tears rolled. "I don't understand what's happening. I feel really...crazy. I've just- I think I was already losing it because I just- all the time I feel so stressed but- this- when he- I just-"
"I get it, it's okay." He reassured her.
"He didn't hurt me. He just..." She paused. "He'd said..."
"How about me? Would you sleep with m-"
"Oi. Dallius, buddy-" A voice called. "I told you to get out of my bar already, you've got thirty seconds until I call the cops."
"He'd started to go there. But...he didn't. He didn't even touch me. And then I thought he said some things but I..." She paused. She was so confused. Dallius definitely hadn't hurt her. She wasn't even sure whether he had pushed her against the wall, because when she'd found Joe in front of her, asking her if she was okay, she was in the middle of the hallway. On top of that, she had memories past that, with someone telling her she'd be lucky to be with him, before going for her waist. But that wasn't Dallius either. Dallius hadn't done anything at all, except greet her outside the toilet and verbally make fun of her and Derek. It wasn't pleasant, but it certainly wasn't harmful. "It wasn't him. It was...from before. Multiple different memories. But- I don't know, it's just- not really- I kind of know what happened but at the same time-"
"It's okay, it's okay." He reassured her as she faltered. "Don't worry about making sense of it right now, and certainly don't worry about making me understand. I get it."
"But you don't. You...you can't."
"I do."
She swallowed. "Derek, I know you're trying to sympathise but you can't understand. Because...you don't know everything."
He didn't speak for a long moment before starting, his voice both soft and quiet, "I...used to think it was your mom that made you the way you are. I know she never treated you right and- that hurt like hell because no one deserves that."
"What?" She breathed. Not because she didn't understand. No, she understood exactly where he was going. But she had no clue how he understood what was going on right now.
He ignored that, continuing, "But then...then I stopped thinking that it was to do with your mom. I think- it started just before prom. When I said you looked beautiful and you thought I was making it up. I'd...never seen you like that before. And...when I convinced you that I really did think you were that beautiful, and that I was only saying that because it was the truth and I wanted you to know that, not because I have some other motive...you almost cried."
She nodded. He was right. She'd never met someone who wanted to compliment her to make her happy before.
"You ask my permission to do things that everyone else in the world chooses by themselves. You jump when someone shouts. You look surprised when I tell you that you can choose what movie we watch, or where you want to go on your day off. You message me to tell me where you are when you really don't need to. And you-" He paused. He'd got this one recently. Since getting out of the car. And it broke his heart into so many pieces he didn't even know how he was breathing anymore. More tears fell. "You apologised for being a bad partner earlier because...you ran away from me when you thought you'd failed your intern exam because you thought I was going to hi-"
"Please-" She interrupted, begged, cried. "Please don't say that one."
He swallowed, and grasped her hand. "I promise, I would never do that to you, Meredith."
"I know." She sobbed. "I know you wouldn't, and that's why I feel so freaking bad and guilty and why I apologised so much, but- but I just- I can't- he just- he doesn't leave my head when things- things like that...he just-"
"You were scared anyway. I get it, Mer. It's okay." He reassured her.
She sniffled, and wiped her tears away. "I think- think I should- go-"
"No. No, no, no-" He breathed. "Stay. Please, stay."
"No. No point- might as well-" She stood, picking up her jacket and phone. "-no point in drawing it out any longer-"
"Drawing what out? Meredith-"
"I talked to one guy. One guy between my relationships with you and him, in some bar. I wouldn't have sex that night and told him I had a rough history; he called me damaged goods, elbowed me in the ribs, and spat on me. No one wants me. Not once they know. And it's lovely to know that you're not going to physically hurt me like he used to, but you can still use your words to hurt me just as much so it's best if I just- go."
"I don't understand- why would you go?" He asked, bewildered. He turned and trailed her as she hurried to the door. "You can't go- especially not like this. And...why am I insulting you?"
"Well you don't still love me so I-"
"Woah- slow down-" He paused in front of the door, blocking her in. "Why don't I love you?"
She swallowed. "What?"
"Why don't I love you anymore?" He swallowed. "I don't understand- why do you think that?"
"I was in an abusive relationship."
"I know. I've known for weeks- months. I've...seen the signs since we met."
"I thought you were going to hit me though. Surely...surely you can't want to stay with me if I think that about you?"
"But you don't think that about me. It was a response- a conditioned response from your past. It's like...when I have nightmares. It's just a reaction- it's just this- uncontrollable thing that happens because of what I went through- and you have that too. I understand. I get it."
"You just...Derek, you don't understand-" Tears dropped. "One stupid relationship and my life was ripped away from me. We slept together once after a stupid night in the bar, and he basically blackmailed me into a relationship after that. From the start, he convinced me that I was worthless and he was everything. I was stuck in a relationship with a man who would hurt me all day, every day, for fun- I was in a relationship with a man who broke me, Derek. Every word, every kick, every time he asked me for sex- he broke me a little more, to the point where I don't work any more. I'm broken now. You don't want me. I know you don't."
Tears were clouding his vision again. How could one person be so cruel? And why would they do it to such an amazing person? Not Meredith. Anyone but Meredith. "But I do want you. And you're not broken."
"Yes, I am."
"The Meredith I know isn't broken, she's amazing."
"You don't know me, Derek. I'm fake. I'm not even a freaking person. I'm just this...shell who pretends to be a human."
"I know..." He swallowed. "I know that you love brushing your teeth - you do it three times a day - but that you despise flossing. I know that your main non-surgical hobby is reading. I know that strawberry ice-cream is your favourite and that it has been your whole life- god, you'd hardly ever consider another flavour, it might as well not be ice-cream if it's not strawberry to you. I know not to go down that one route to the hospital because, despite being a surgeon and smelling burning, cauterised flesh, you can't stand the smell of that garbage plant on Lock Street. I know that you hate plant biology, and only know two types of tree: evergreen and not-evergreen, because it drives me up the wall every freaking time."
She smiled, just a little. As both a perfectionist and a nature geek, Derek lost it every time she confidently misidentified a plant.
"I know that you never buy the cod from that fish shop by the hospital because it makes you puke every single time, despite the fact that cod is your favourite. I know that you didn't like science until the 6th grade because you had a string of crappy teachers- and I acknowledge every day how amazing you are to be such a good doctor despite your rocky road to becoming a surgeon. I know what songs to skip on the CD because you don't like them. I know you, Meredith Grey. Please don't tell me I don't." He begged, taking a moment to breathe. "Those are all boring, mundane, human things...because you are a person. You are real. Just because you keep a part of you to yourself, that doesn't make you a lie. I know who you are, and I love that woman so, so freaking much. Her funny little quirks, her smile, her humour, her intelligence, her beauty, her kindness- I know that that is all you."
She loved him - she really, really did - and, if she was honest, she couldn't imagine someone caring that much about her to remember all of those things, which just made her love him even more. But it didn't help. "None of that helps the fact that-"
"You're broken? I disagree- but so what if you are?" He suggested before smiling. "Newsflash, I'm a para-freaking-plegic, so if you want to call yourself broken, that's fine- just acknowledge the fact that I'm pretty broken too, you know?"
She stared at him, wide-eyed. He couldn't be serious. Surely? Surely he couldn't be serious? "But- I mean-"
"But what?"
"Derek, you can't still love me. Not now you know."
He almost spoke, but didn't. Instead, she watched as he peeled off his t-shirt to reveal his plethora of surgical scars.
"Derek-"
"Do you love me?"
She swallowed, but didn't reply.
"Do you still love me even though I am, mentally, psychologically-" He swallowed, settling his hands on his chair. "-physically...damaged? Do you still love me despite the fact I look like this, on the outside...but also in the inside?"
She swallowed before agreeing earnestly, "Of course I do."
"So if you can love me with all of my mental and physical scars- tell me one more time, Meredith Grey, why am I no longer in love with you?"
Oh, Derek Christopher Shepherd.
You mature, logical, poetic, loving, kind, handsome, stupid brainman.
"There is no answer." She licked her lips and swallowed. "Because...you still love me, in spite of everything."
He smiled. "I. Still. Love. You."
"Do you think..." She swallowed. "Are you still up for that hug?"
"Definitely."
Chapter 76
Meredith hated coming home alone.
If you'd asked her a year ago, she'd say that she loved it. Gun to her head, she couldn't sing to save her life. But that didn't mean she didn't love blasting her favourite songs so loud that the windows shook, 'singing' along.
Then she met Derek Shepherd. The man, infuriatingly, was good at everything, including singing. More importantly though, he was good at making her feel comfortable and happy. He'd laugh at her, ask her how someone could ever possibly be that tone-deaf, but he never truly judged her.
But, she was Derek-less, so she couldn't help but sigh as she listened to the pop group she'd normally belt out (albeit a Tritone above the tonic key). It just wasn't as fun without him, like a lot of things in her life.
She sighed once more when she reached her destination, sliding out of the car before heading to the door.
"Oh-" She paused at door as she was instantly met with someone on the other side. "Okay. Hi there."
Lucky sniffed her, yapped once, then leapt onto the sofa - all in one very short moment.
"God, you're crazy today, Lucky." She sighed with a smile as she put her shopping down, and closed the door behind her.
Meredith had barely taken her shoes off when the creature headed back over to her, begging for cuddles. She, of course, happily obliged.
"Are you confused? Is that what is going on here?" She asked as she stroked the creature, smiling. God, she was just...the cutest dog ever. "You don't know what's going on with Derek? Is that why you're loopy? Because you're confused?"
She, of course, didn't answer that question.
"Well, I can fix that." She said as she stood, and headed to the bedroom, Lucky trailing at her heels.
"Oh god! Doggy kisses!" Derek squealed as Lucky leapt onto the bed, heading for him.
Meredith giggled from the doorway, watching the pair. He was clearly asleep, and had woken up just to be 'attacked' by their dog. Attacked with love, that was.
"Don't just stand there!" He exclaimed as continued to run about his lap, only stopping to lick his face (which wasn't that much better). "Help!"
"She thought you were being a bad doggy dad. She missed you."
"It's called a night shift, Lucky. I sleep in the day because I don't sleep at night, and that means I don't want to play when it's light outside like I normally do."
"I don't think that's going to help. I'm 99% sure Lucky doesn't understand English."
He finally manged to get her to settle, but only under the condition of continuous stroking, which he didn't mind. "Why only 99%?"
"Mom plonked me in front of too many cartoons so I'm convinced animals can secretly talk."
He smiled as she sat down on the side of the bed. "Fair enough."
"Now- how are you?"
"I'm okay. I take forever to fall asleep when it's light out so I've only just about managed to get my 7 hours, even though I've been here for about 10."
"And how was the dreaded night shift?"
"Good. Had one interesting case, other than that it was pretty quiet." He answered. "How about you? How are you?"
"I'm good."
"And...on our scale?"
"Low. I promise, I'm doing really well today." She vowed truthfully. "But you need to stop asking me."
"Mer-"
"I know it's difficult to stop thinking about. But just...try. For me."
He sighed. "I know that...you know, for all those weeks, I knew what had happened to you, because I had figured it out. But after hearing it- after hearing you say it out loud that day-"
"Things have changed now. I get it."
"It really is like that day you walked in on me. We saw, or now see, each other differently because...we know more. But- I promise, it's anything but negative thoughts." He vowed. A year ago, he'd spent so long worrying after she saw him shirtless, even wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt and hiding from the world, only to find out that she had no negative feelings about his surgical scars. In fact, she had positive feelings about them, because it told her how hard he had worked to get back to where he was. "And just like before, they tell me good things about you- they tell me how strong you are because...you're here. You're still here, Meredith. And that is just...so amazing. You...are just so amazing."
She didn't reply to that, but from the slight sparkle in her eyes, he could tell that she was listening deeply, taking it all in.
"The fact that you are here right now took you immeasurable amounts of strength. A mind-boggling, brain-hurting amount of strength, and resiliance, and perseverance, and...I mean, you're basically super-human at this point."
"You were in a coma which the doctors said you would never wake up from. They almost pulled the plug on you, twice. Freaking twice. Because you were in a freaking coma." She reminded him. She didn't want to talk about her. She just wanted to make it about him. Then she didn't have to think about...it all. And if she could slide it in well enough, perhaps he wouldn't even notice what she was doing. "You're the one who is mind-boggling."
"I was in a coma though, I didn't even do anything."
She snorted. Fair point, but not really what she was getting at. "Well, you must have done something impressive to get out of the coma to start living again. Otherwise what are you doing here?"
"I saw into the future. And I saw you. And I thought...'Holy shit- Is that the girlfriend I get if I open my eyes?'. And then, boom, I was back. I needed to see this Meredith woman for my eyes, and Jesus, she was as hot as the dream."
"That did not happen, you liar." She said, laughing again. God, he was much a romantic that it made her kind of sick.
"Have you been in a coma before?"
"No."
"So how do you know what happens in a coma?" He asked pointedly.
"When you're in a coma, you're like...in a coma. Like your brain is fried eggs in there- you're not really going to be having many thoughts."
"How do you know that?"
She faltered. He was so serious. "Why? You didn't have thoughts...did you?"
"Yeah. About my super hot future girlfriend, Meredith Grey."
She scoffed as she rolled her eyes. "Derek- stop being an idiot."
"Sorry, sorry-" He said. She wasn't offended though; she was smiling far too much at his jests. He kissed her, and sighed. "I love you, too much."
"You better. No sane person would make such weird jokes."
He smiled, before tapping at his chest.
Meredith obliged at the non-verbal instruction, curling up half next to him, half on him. "I'm glad you didn't stay in that coma. I love you too much not to have you."
He grinned, "Mmm. Shockingly, I'm glad I didn't stay there too."
"You ever wonder- do you think I would have liked the old you? If nothing had ever happened and our worlds still collided- would we be together right now?"
"He was a bit of an ass if I'm totally honest." He admitted truthfully. "So I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe we would be, but our relationship would be different."
"I think we'd be together in any universe."
He smiled. "You think we'd be together in all of them?"
"Well, as long as you lived. I guess there's a universe or two out there where you weren't so lucky."
"And probably quite a few others where we wouldn't have been together even if I was alive."
"Why? What happened in those universes that means I wouldn't have found you?"
"Those are the ones where I don't go back to being a doctor."
"I'd love you as a patient."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Derek, when your pain was at its worse, I did everything for you. There were a few days where you literally didn't move unless I was there." She reminded him with a sad smile. She kissed him, "I love you, and that means there are no boundaries and nothing I wouldn't do to be with you."
"How about cooking the dinner? Would you do that?" He suggested hopefully as his stomach gargled. "I'm hungry."
She giggled. "Okay. Fine. I'll amend my statement. There is almost nothing I wouldn't do. Cooking is where I draw the line."
He rolled his eyes as he sat up, muttering to himself, "So close. So close."
"One day, Derek. One day I'll know how to cook."
"Mmm." He chuckled, "Whatever you say."
"Knock, knock. Food is ready."
Meredith smiled as she looked up from her book. "Amazing. I'm starving now too."
"Just not enough to cook!" He chuckled as she followed him into the kitchen.
"Never enough to cook. I can't even cook those microwavable meals sometimes- god, I swear those things are un-burnable, but somehow I do it. I promise I'd cook if I knew how, but I...seem to be immune to picking up any form of cooking skills."
He smiled. How she was still such a bad cook after all these years, yet could cut open and fix the human body after only a year of learning, was beyond him.
"How are you?"
He smiled, "I'm good."
"You smiling at me like that because I'm the angel from your coma dreams?"
He chuckled. "I love you, so, so, so, so, so much. But unfortunately that was a joke."
"What? No- I'm not your Coma Angel?" She teased with a fake frown. "Gosh darn. That's crazy. I really thought you were serious about that."
He smiled. "For the record, I did not have any thoughts at all in my coma...or- at least ones that I remember."
She nodded. This was another opportunity. She felt bad for taking it; this was cruel. But she couldn't talk about how she was doing one more time today. She was fine. That wasn't a lie. But every time he asked, he would register her response as a lie and get a little more worried, and it wasn't good for him. He was hurting himself at this point. So she chose a question that she hoped wouldn't draw on anything to deep, and ran with it, "Did you...remember things from before?"
"Kind of. Most memories, including like who I was and who Mom was- that sort of stuff, but also what had happened earlier that day, came back pretty quick but there was a while where I was like- really..." He paused, brow creased. "I'm not sure there's an adjective that describes coming out of a TBI-induced coma."
She nodded.
"The memories of afterwards were there pretty quick too. Wish they weren't sometimes."
"After what?"
He didn't answer for a second before confessing, "After it happened."
"Like...before the coma, but...after the accident?" She breathed.
He nodded slowly.
"Oh." She swallowed. This isn't what she wanted. This is not what she meant when she thought to herself that she wanted anything but a discussion about her. "Do you...feel pressured to tell me now? Because you know you don't have to if you don't want to. Just because you know some stuff about me now. It can just be that way. I...I know it's a lot for you to talk about, and especially a lot to do over some random dinner."
He listened, sure, but he ignored her. "Once...you asked me about malpractice-"
She gulped, but didn't get a chance to protest before he continued.
"I have a very distinct memory of the paramedics having a conversation about whether they should stop trying because they didn't think I'd make it to the hospital."
Her eyes sparkles with tears. Stop trying? Leave him alone, hurt? Leave him to die? "Derek-" She breathed.
"Luckily- well-" He paused. He couldn't do this. "Um- in the end- I mean, obviously- they uh- they didn't do that. They...um- I'm alive. They took me to the hospital and somehow I'm alive. But I...I couldn't- you know, hearing them talk about that when I was...right there with thoughts and- and you know- I was in there, Meredith." He looked up to her with similar eyes. "I was in there but I couldn't- I couldn't tell them that, and they didn't know, and they weren't ever going to find out, and I was just- I was going to die because they didn't know. But I knew. Because I...I was in there- I was- thinking- I had thoughts and I was thinking and I just-"
"Okay, okay." She engulfed him in a hug. "Okay, please, you don't need to go on."
"It's just so stupid. You..." He swallowed. "I mean, what you went through- where you were-"
"Okay. Yes, we both know what happened to me." She interrupted. She didn't want to hear it all again but, most importantly, this moment wasn't about her. It was about him now. "But Derek- you were...in a coma, you relearnt how to speak, you broke like half of your bones, and you're still-" She sighed. God, she hated talking about this in the context of his accident because it painted such a negative picture of his life which really, really wasn't representative of him now. "-you're still impacted today, and never will physically recover. You probably won't mentally either. That's traumatic. What you went through was traumatic. And that's just from the bits I know, which is basically absolutely nothing at all."
He nodded slowly.
"I know that what I went through seems unimaginable to you, but I feel the same way; I can't imagine being you and surviving all of that either." She continued. "Okay?"
"Yeah." He breathed.
"But please, if you don't want to tell me, don't feel pressured too. Unless someone snaps your spine again and sends you into an episode of weird flashback thingys (even I don't know what was going on) where all you do is cry and you need to let it out before you explode - you don't need to tell me."
"Mer-"
"Yeah?"
He smiled. "I love you."
She kissed him. Once. Twice. Thrice. Hands held him before moving down.
"Meredith-" He breathed. He could tell when she wanted a simple kissing session, or sex. Right now, it was definitely the latter.
He paused at the bed, brow creased.
"It's okay, Derek." Meredith reassured him from her side of the bed, tapping his side.
He swallowed as he placed his hand on the bed. "I just- I don't think- After everything that you've been through, I'm not sure-" He really didn't know what he was trying to say.
"Remember the prom?" She prompted.
"Of course." He agreed as he transferred next to her. However, he remained sat up, and as far away from her as he could manage.
"Remember how stressed you were? You were so worried about having sex for the first time after your accident because you were convinced it wasn't going to well, or that I wasn't going to like your body, or that I wasn't going to enjoy it. I really thought I had signed up to a sexless relationship because you were so horrified that I wasn't sure you'd ever be confident enough to try."
He nodded.
"And you remember all those things I said? That day-and before when we talked about it, I reassured you that we didn't need to have sex to be a couple if you didn't want to, or physically couldn't, but at the same time- that I loved you and your body and that I really didn't care about all of those things...I just wanted you."
"Yeah." He agreed hesitantly.
"So why in the world would I encourage you, and do all that stuff for so long to try and make you feel comfortable and prepared...if I didn't feel the same way- if I didn't want to do it either? I would have never encouraged you to try sex if I wanted a sexless relationship- that would have just been really stupid of me."
"You-" He paused. "You make a good point."
"Nothing has changed since then, Derek. Nothing."
"What about Dali-"
"No. Nothing has changed. He just...I was stressed with the exam, and that reminder was my tipping point. Other than the fact he was being...well, a right asshole that made me hate him, I really don't feel any different. I'm not scared, I'm not living in a PTSD nightmare or something..." She sighed. "I'm fine, Derek."
"We banned fine. It's too neutral."
"You respect my boundaries. You're the most respectful person I've ever met to the point that you freak me out because you're so respectful, and nice, and self-sacrificing to the point where you don't tell people anything negative about how you are or how you're feeling because you don't want to be annoying- which is lovely, but also very stupid, as I've told you a hundred times."
He smiled, a little. Guilty. Definitely.
"You're kind, and so freaking caring. You ask me so many questions about what I want and what I like, all the time, so you get things right for me. It's like...the opposite. I'm still in this similar kind of couple where one person makes all the decisions but...I'm the one making the decisions- me, Derek! I'm the one who the other one follows for the first time in my life, because you let me pick literally everything we ever do, everything we eat, everywhere we go, just- everything. I have never had so much freedom in my life. To be honest, somehow, I feel more free with you than I did when I was alone. This- our relationship- it's so different, Derek."
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I'm sorry that I'm the first person who made you feel like you were valuable- like you were loved. I wish someone else did that before me."
Tears washed her eyes, but she smiled through them, "Hey! Aren't you the one with the crippling self-esteem issues who broke up with me because you thought you were unlovable? Stop stealing my reassurance. I say that stuff to you, not the other way around."
He smiled. "So you're a hypocrite. The biggest hypocrite alive. All you do is berate me for my self-esteem, but you're exactly the same."
She giggled. "Pretty much. Now...Come here. Please. Touch me, hold me. It's okay. I want you to be here."
He stared at her, lost for a few moments, before engulfing her in an abrupt hug. God, he'd been waiting hours to hold her, but he'd been so scared of damaging her before. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."
She read his hesitation and pulled away. "Derek, we've talked about me and sex post-confession. It's okay. I know we haven't done it over the last week- since that day, but it's okay. I can have sex."
"I'm the one not consenting though."
"Oh." She breathed. "Why?"
He smiled. "Because I've not eaten in about twelve hours and my stomach is starting to eat itself. I'm so hungry I think I might die."
She snorted before breaking into a fit of giggles. "Right. Yeah. Forgot that we were...in the middle of dinner."
"Dinner, then-"
"Desert?"
He grinned. "Of course."
Chapter 77
She sighed heavily as she rolled onto her back, still a little out of breath.
God, she couldn't imagine an accident taking away such a power. To be honest, she still wasn't quite over the fact that their sex wasn't normal, because she could only assume that Derek was better at sex pre-accident, and it left her wondering how the hell he could possibly improve on the services he was providing her with right now.
He propped himself up on one of his elbows to see her better, and opened his mouth. "I-"
"Don't ask me if I'm okay." She interrupted, a stern look on her face.
His mouth shut.
Crap.
She was a rather creepy mind-reader. That, or he was extremely predictable. It was probably the latter.
She smiled, and kissed him, "I'm okay. I'm happy. I loved the sex. You don't need to ask."
"But-"
"Derek-" She warned. "Don't say those words. 'Are', 'you', and 'okay' are new swear-words, okay?"
He didn't reply.
"Agree, Derek." She instructed when he didn't speak.
"You said the O-word, so I'm supposed to repeat said O-word, but you just banned it- told me it was a swear."
She rolled her eyes and scoffed, through a laugh, "I mean in that context; you're such an idiot."
"Meredith said the Y-word, Meredith said the Y-word-" He said in a teasing tone like he was on the playground, making fun of a fellow eight-year-old.
"Child." She stated with raised brows.
"Well yo- uh, crap! Um- this...pretty, naked woman beside me is now laughing, so I'd say my jokes were a success."
She kissed him again. "No, the jokes were most definitely not a success. They sucked. I hate..." You, but she couldn't say that. "...my hot, sexy boyfriend."
"Hot, sexy boyfriend, eh?"
She pushed him so his elbow collapsed and he was lying down flat again. Another kiss, as she moved to be nearer to him. Really near. "Yes, my hot, sexy boyfriend."
"Mmm-" He sighed, smiling.
"Does two rounds of sex sound good?"
"Two rounds are okay with me, as long as they are okay with you."
She smiled. Are, you, and okay. What a doofus. "I love you."
"Can I say those words now?"
She swallowed as she looked at him. Her leg was shaking. "No."
"Can you just tell me the answer to the question itself if I can't actually ask it?" He requested, his voice soft. He smiled, just a little, as he squeezed her hand.
"No, I-" She sighed. "You can ask. It's just...the answer to the question is...no."
"No, you are not okay?" He asked.
She smiled a little. "That's a 3-in-1 there, Derek. You, are, and okay."
He smiled back, but not for long. She was avoiding...him, this, the next hour, everything. "It's gonna be okay, Mer."
"She's gonna know. Or...I mean, normally she squeezes it out of us but I'm already freaking out so I don't even need any pressure to say things. We're gonna talk about it and...I'm just gonna cry. Everywhere."
"I don't mind if you cry." He shrugged.
"I don't want to cry."
"I'm a man. People say that men don't cry- but...well, I can tell you now, that's a bunch of bullshit."
She giggled, just a little.
"I used to cry at everything. And...do other things that were less pleasant."
"Like what?" She asked, a little concerned.
"Well- don't freak out because I don't do it anymore...but I used to throw things, knock things over- that sort of thing. It was an...interesting form of non-verbal communication."
"Oh." She breathed. She felt a deep pang in her stomach, but not because she was freaking out about his behaviour. No, because thinking about why he used to those sorts of things hurt. "Because...you couldn't speak."
He smiled, but she could see it was a sad smile. "Yeah."
"And you cried-"
"Also because I couldn't speak."
"That's...yeah." She sighed. There were no words.
"Crying is a powerful thing. Unless you're me and you just cried all the time-" He chuckled briefly. "But, for most people- verbal people, it just signals to others...'I'm having a really crappy time, please give me hugs'. It says...'help'. It says...'I'm not okay'."
She nodded.
"But you know what tears don't say?"
She stared at him for a long, long time before shaking her head.
"Tears, biologically, encourage emotional bonding." He explained, although he was sure she knew that. "It's society - oh, stupid old society, root of all evils - which made us associate tears with weakness. But...I promise, your tears don't say anything about you. They just...make me want to hug you and sooth you, biologically, because I love you. That's all."
"That's all?" She repeated. He never reacted in a way that she expected. There was never an ounce of disgust, or anger, or frustration, only sympathy, forgiveness, and care. She was starting to learn that the later set of reactions were much more normal than the former, but she was still aware that she had been extremely lucky and found some superhuman boyfriend.
He smiled. "I promise, that's all."
"He-" She swallowed hard. "He used to get mad when I cried."
"Well-" He sniffled. Listening to her talk about what happened to her made him sick to his stomach. Even thinking about it made his mood drop to a zero. "I'm about to demonstrate how crying is allowed in this relationship, by crying right now."
"Oh, god-" She giggled. She was the exact same; her eyes went to the borderline of crying within the time it took her to say that one sentence. "I'm sorry. We're not even in therapy yet and we're crying!"
He chuckled. "No, no. No sorrys. We don't care about tears in this relationship, so no sorrys. Ever. Okay?"
She thoughts about the facts.
Tears, objectively and scientifically, were not a sign of weakness.
He hated crying, but he wasn't here anymore. Derek didn't mind crying - in fact, he appeared to encourage it - and he was here now.
Tears were okay.
Crying. Was. Okay.
She smiled, "Okay. But good job I mentioned therapy because we're late, quick, let's get out the car!"
"You know, normally when neither partner speaks at the start of couple's therapy, it's because their relationship isn't going well and they're afraid of speaking because they know an argument is coming." Helen observed. "But you're holding hands and physically comfortable next to each other. Your body language isn't telling me there's a single drop of tension between you."
Neither spoke.
But she was right. She was always right. They'd first seen her when Derek was on sabbatical leave, pre-surgery, and noted quickly that she was extremely good at her job. They'd established very early on that they weren't even sure whether they were allowed to be there because there was nothing wrong with their relationship. No, they were a perfect couple. But when you're in a relationship with two people who had both been through scary, traumatic things, you often need some help together too. That's what she had said, at least.
"Would you agree with that assessment?"
Derek looked at Meredith for a long moment, reading her eyes, before turning back to the woman and nodding.
"A shared sadness- is my best guess."
"Do you want to-" Derek prompted, his voice soft. He squeezed her hand. They'd laughed until they cried - literally - in the car, but she'd gone back into her worried shell now.
She shook her head.
He had the go-ahead to speak for her now, so did, "Meredith passed her intern exam. She got the second best in her year."
Helen smiled briefly at that news, but didn't let it settle. It would be a bad thing to do when she didn't know how her patients felt about this, even if she registered this as good news. "Is that where this is coming from?"
He shook his head. "No. We're...super happy about Meredith passing her test."
She smiled again, properly this time. "In that case, Meredith, that's amazing news. Congratulations."
"Thanks."
"But...can you tell me about what is wrong?" She pushed. Avoidance. The couple did that technique well.
"Do you want to say some stuff?" Derek asked, looking to Meredith again. This was her story, not his.
"I-" She smiled a little. "-didn't use waterproof mascara this morning, and I almost already ruined it in the car."
He kissed her on the cheek. He knew she was terrified, but the last thing he wanted to do was steal her opportunity to speak, so thought it was best to offer. "A no then. That's absolutely fine."
"So...where would you like to start?"
"Before we met...Meredith was in an abusive relationship." He confessed. That was certainly the best place to start, although it was a rather jarring one.
She didn't let her face express the what she felt inside at that. "Right- okay."
"I kind of knew for a while- she- always did all these things that confused me. After a few weeks, I started seeing all these patterns in her behaviour- they were all the same behaviours...kind of. I mean, they were different but had the same...root?"
She nodded. "I totally understand what you mean, Derek, don't worry."
"Yeah-" He agreed shortly, pausing. He'd lost his momentum now. "Anyway- um- Meredith had a little- uh-"
"Went a bit loopy." Meredith filled in for him. "Very loopy."
"In the past, or recently?"
"Recently. Tuesday night."
"Okay, and was this caused by something specific, or just a discussion of your past relationship?"
"Mer went drinking with her friends to celebrate said passing of exams. But there was this guy there who failed, so he was super drunk- guess he was trying to wash all his emotions away or something." Derek replied, keeping his eyes on her, as he knew if he made a mistake, her expression would tell him. "He went and talked to Mer in the corridor outside the bathrooms. He was...rude. Really rude. Made...suggestive- threatening remarks."
"He was mad because he thought that I was using Derek for some kind of status. And that I chose him specifically just-" She sighed as she rubbed at his leg. "-you know, because he was more vulnerable or something."
She nodded. They all knew that wasn't true, but the rest of the world didn't.
"So he wanted to know how...how low I'd go. Whether I'd...sleep with him. Kept asking and asking, and I just-" She paused. "I kind of lost it. From...before- I have these...memories, and him- it's just- when he said all of those things, it took me back there. It's not like I forgot- I could never forget the things he did, or the...things he said. But- but I don't think about them any more because...because-" Her eyes sparkled with tears as she looked at Derek.
Why?
Why had she forgotten?
Because of Derek.
She couldn't believe that she hadn't acknowledged that properly until this moment.
"I- I've just felt so safe for so long. I don't have to think about what happened in the past, or worry that it's going to happen again, or...I just- I don't have to be scared, ever again. Because-" She swallowed. "I know that Derek will always keep me safe. He's my...knight in shining whatever."
He wrapped his hands around her, kissing her as she sobbed.
He'd fixed her.
He'd freaking fixed her.
How the hell did he fix her? All he'd done was be himself.
"Apart from make-up-" He chuckled lightly as he patted her under-eyes with a tissue. "I should have told you to wear that waterproof mascara."
She giggled. "I forgive you already. Don't worry."
He kissed her again. God, he loved her.
"You know, he stopped me in the car before we got out to give me a speech on why crying is okay. And it freaking worked. Except...I do hate crying in this specific moment because it does mean I will have to go and do my make-up again before work."
Helen smiled at her small joke.
"But, you know...aside from that- I think about crying and it-" She swallowed. "It's doesn't feel like a crime anymore."
He squeezed her hand, although it hurt that she compared crying to a crime. Is that really what he had made her think?
"So, why did you call me?" Helen couldn't help but ask.
"That's...what we do when we get stressed out." Meredith replied. "Is that...not what we're supposed to be doing? Is that not how this works?"
"It is, and I'm glad you're here. I'd say I'm only joking- but at the same time-" She sighed. "I think...you having each other is doing more than I could ever offer either of you in a million years of therapy. Honestly. Your love is so strong and so pure, and I don't think anyone or anything could ever beat it."
"Oh, well, you see, Derek here is the world's biggest overachiever-" Meredith giggled. "He's a freaking neurosurgeon, he can look at random trees and tell you their binomial name, he did music as a teen and did some cool thing that I don't understand but he promises is cool- something about the states, he talks like a poet, he even overachieves in-" She smiled as she looked at him, thinking. "-hair products?"
He laughed. To be honest, he was just glad he didn't bring up his-
"And he's like a magician or something too. Yo-yos and cards and stuff. Won some competition as a teen or something."
Damn. Secret spilled. At least therapy was confidential. "But of course she'd saying all of this as if she didn't get ninety-freaking-three on her intern exam, and like she hasn't been excelling in surgery itself all year. Or...like I wouldn't give her the Most Adorable Girlfriend On The Planet Award - although I guess that one is a little subjective and I'm rather biased. And then if you consider the psychology of what attractiveness actually is and the principle of-"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot biggest weirdo, he overachieves in that too. He's far too technical."
"Hey!" He chuckled. "Meanie!"
She giggled.
"She also gets the Loudest Snorer Award, 2006. Gold Medallist."
Two could play that game, "Weirdest Sleeping Position Award, 2004, 2005 and 2006."
That was a mean blow; his injuries made it impossible to sleep normally. But he didn't care. As long as it made her giggle. He snorted, "World's Worst Cook."
"World's Worst Walker." She returned without missing a beat.
He chuckled. "Oh, wow. Coming at my disability- how original. Getting personal now, are we?"
"World's Best Boyfriend."
He paused. That wasn't an insult.
He grasped her hand, and smiled, "World's Best Girlfriend."