So, there is perhaps no one interested in this story any more given that I have been so bad at updating it. I think the last time was three years ago! But it has been an ongoing labour of love and I'm determined to finish it. So, here I go again with another update. I hope you'll read it and perhaps leave a wee review!

25th December 1872

"Dark clouds are circling," Preston Senior said as he stood on the front step of his son's home, allowing his cigar smoke to waft into the chilly afternoon air.

Preston glanced at James who was sparking up his own cigar. "What do you think it means?"

"That there will be many problems ahead," his father replied. "I believe our country may suffer a great crisis before long."

"Father's right," James agreed. "From what I've been hearing, and reading, there are significant noises being made in New York."

Preston looked out over the vista. Since his family had arrived two days earlier, there had been little opportunity to speak of the concerns that were filtering west from the major cities back east. He had tried to engineer occasions when they three of them could be alone, but they had been thwarted on numerous occasions by townsfolk and, not least, their own wives. Having been banished from the kitchen in preparation for the celebratory meal, they now found themselves able to speak freely on the subject.

"Too much investment in the railroads," his father said after a short silence. "Not to mention the property losses in the Chicago and Boston fires. I spoke with Jay Cooke before we left to come out here and he shares my concerns."

"But the railroad remains the future, Father, surely?" Preston said. "The improvements that it has brought to Colorado Springs are immeasurable."

"I agree," his father replied. "But too much investment with not enough return can only spell disaster."

XXXX

"Have you and Preston considered any names for the new arrival?" Louisa asked as she finished setting the table.

"Well Preston still has his heart set on christening any son we may have Preston A. Lodge IV," Rebecca replied, stirring a pot on the stove. "I must admit that I'm inclined to indulge him if only to put an end to the debate."

"Oh please don't!" Alice exclaimed.

Rebecca looked at her in surprise, "I would have thought that you would have welcomed it. Didn't you call Preston after your husband?"

"After his father," Alice replied, "and believe me, it was not for want of avoidance on my part. I couldn't stand the man and the last thing I wanted was to name a child after him. Why do you think it took to my fifth son before he was named so?"

Her interest piqued, Rebecca stopped what she was doing and sat down at the table opposite her mother in law. Louisa appeared equally intrigued and followed suit. "But I thought..."

"My father in law was a very difficult man," Alice began, "even more so than I know my own husband can be. He was a banker, of course, but very hard on his children. Preston was an only son though he had a sister, Annabelle, and apparently tried very hard to please his father to little avail. When we married, he declared he had no wish for any child of his to be named after his father, as he had felt that bearing his father's name had made his life intolerable at times. When I was expecting Preston, I had high hopes that I might bear a daughter. When it became obvious that that was not to be and that Preston was to be my last child, we elected to finally name him after his grandfather. Not that my father in law gave any sign of being pleased with the gesture." She patted Rebecca's arm. "You would be far better advised to give your son, if it be a son, a name of his own. One that he does not feel he needs to live up to, for I do believe that my son has carried the same burden as his own father."

Rebecca looked out of the window where she could see the three of them talking. "Preston does try so hard to please his father and so often feels that he comes up short."

"One might have thought," Louisa said carefully, "that having had a difficult father himself, Preston Senior might have acted differently with his own children."

Alice smiled, "Indeed and I'm sure he had every intention to. But reality is so often different from what we hope, as you both well know. In any event, this conversation may be moot if you have another girl, Rebecca."

"Yes..." Rebecca agreed, her mind going back to that morning when she, Louisa and Alice had visited Caroline's grave to place some flowers. She had always intended going, but had been touched by the other ladies' insistence that they accompany her. Preston had shown no interest in the journey whatsoever, beyond questioning the wisdom of it in the cold weather.

"Whatever you may think," Alice said, breaking into her thoughts, "he truly does care about what happened to Caroline." Rebecca met her understanding gaze. "But he's a man and Lodge men in particular, can find it difficult to share their feelings."

"That is certainly true," Louisa said with a laugh that instantly lightened the mood.

"Dinner must almost be ready," Rebecca said, getting to her feet and moving back over to the stove. She was especially pleased with her efforts this Christmas, helped in no small measure by Alice and Louisa. Preston had tried to insist that they have Christmas dinner at the hotel but she had told him that she wanted to do it at their home, not at their business and she had been pleased when he had acquiesced. Satisfying herself that things were almost ready, she walked over to the door to tell the men to come inside.

"It's worrying," James was saying.

"And yet there is nothing we can do except watch and wait," his father replied.

"Dinner's almost ready," Rebecca said, causing the three of them to start and look towards her. "If you'd like to come inside..." she held the door as James and his father walked in past her but stopped Preston before he could enter. "What's worrying?" she asked.

"I'm sorry?"

"James said that something was worrying."

"Business talk, darling," he replied, kissing her forehead. "Nothing for you to worry about. Now, I'm starving!" He moved past her into the house, leaving her on the stoop.

XXXX

"I must say," Preston said that evening as they readied for bed, "you outdid yourself, Rebecca. I have never felt so full in my entire life."

"Your mother and Louisa can probably take more of the credit than I can," she replied good-naturedly.

"Well whoever wishes to take the credit, it was a remarkable feast." He undressed and slipped on his nightshirt. "I'm really pleased with how the day went. It was so nice to have an amiable Christmas meal with my family."

"A selection of your family," Rebecca reminded him, though she shared his pleasure in how well it had gone. "It might have been different had others been present."

"Yes, well, let us give thanks that they were not." Preston watched as she pulled her dress off over her head and stood in her slip. "You look wonderful."

Rebecca glanced at her stomach. "I'm certainly expanding. I'm not sure that 'wonderful' is the term I would use myself."

"We should meet with Michaela after the holidays and speak with her about her continued plan for your care. No doubt she will recommend a caesarean section nearer your time."

"Mmmm..." she slid into the bed beside him, not really wanting to discuss that particular looming event. "Is everything all right? With the bank I mean?"

"Of course, why shouldn't it be?"

"Well, you did your best to divert my attention away from your brother's remarks earlier but I'm not completely ignorant. If there are worries, problems, then I wish you would tell me."

"There are none for you to concern yourself with," he replied, lovingly placing his hand on her swollen belly.

"Preston, please don't treat me as though I have no brain," she said. "There has been something amiss for some time now and if you won't tell me what it is then I shall have little choice but to...to hold your father captive and force him to tell me."

Preston laughed at the image, "I would not wish that on him."

"Well?"

He looked down into her questioning face and felt himself flood with love at her concern. "There are...rumblings in New York and Boston," he said.

"What sort of rumblings?"

"Financial concerns. Too much investment and not enough return," he quoted his father. "My father and James, being at the epicentre so to speak, were merely filling me in on the latest developments."

"How will that affect us here?" Rebecca asked.

"I'm not sure," he replied honestly. "Perhaps it won't affect us at all. If it does, then it will most certainly have an impact in Boston first, so there would be ample time to find a contingency plan." Her face grew troubled. "My darling, you have far more to concern yourself with than the goings on at the bank. Conserve your strength and energy to nurture our child."

"But you would tell me, Preston, wouldn't you? If there was a problem, you would tell me?"

"Of course I would," he lied. "Of course I would."

28th December 1872

"I feel as though you've only just arrived and you're already leaving," Rebecca lamented as she stood at the train station with Louisa and Alice. "I've so enjoyed having you here this last week. I sometimes wish that Boston weren't so far away so that we could all visit more often."

"It has been a delight to be here," Alice replied. "And if we don't have the opportunity to see you again before the baby arrives then we will most certainly travel out afterwards."

"We may yet be able to visit you in Boston before then," Rebecca said.

"You must look after yourself," Louisa said. "After everything you've been through, it might be sensible for you to bide in Colorado Springs for a time."

"Perhaps," Rebecca agreed. "I do hope you all have a safe journey home."

Preston, James and their father chose that moment to join them. "We should board," the latter said.

Rebecca hugged Alice, Louisa and James in turn then made to offer her hand to her father in law. To her surprise, he ignored it and instead pulled her to himself in a gentle embrace, kissing her on both cheeks.

"Take care of my grandchild," he said, "and my son."

"I shall endeavour to do both to the best of my abilities." She watched as Preston said his goodbyes and then they stepped back as the smoke swirled around them and the train whistled its departure. Moments later, it began its slow progress out of the station and she waved until she could no longer see it.

"We should get you out of this wind," Preston said, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Besides, we're due to meet with Michaela, remember?"

"I hadn't forgotten," she replied. "It just never ceases to surprise me how something you looked forward to can be over so quickly. I never would have thought I would have said that about spending time with your father but..."

Preston laughed, "It's all so different now, isn't it?" They began walking slowly from the station back towards the clinic. "I feel vexed for James and Louisa, that they haven't been blessed with a second child."

"They seem to bear it well. Despite everything, all my fears and protestations in the past about becoming pregnant...I'm not sure how I would feel now if I was told I could never have borne another, never had the chance to hold my baby in my arms..." she stopped walking. "I almost don't want to see Michaela."

"You must!"

"I know, but it makes it all seem so real again. I can't help but think about what happened with Caroline. What if it happens again? Or what if I have the operation and I don't wake up?" Rebecca shook her head. "I was so looking forward to your parents visit that I had pushed this to the back of my mind and now it's here, it's real and..." she felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. "The truth is, I'm afraid."

Preston turned to face her and put his hands on her shoulders. "As am I," he said softly. "I am as delighted now as I was in November when Michaela confirmed your pregnancy, but I would be lying if I said I did not have some misgivings. Which is why it is important that we speak with Michaela."

Rebecca nodded and they continued in their progress to the clinic where Michaela was waiting for them. She greeted them warmly at the door and offered them tea, which they both refused.

"Please," she gestured to the seats opposite her desk, "sit down. I know that we've talked about this before during your previous pregnancy, but I think it's important to go over things again. How have you been feeling in general?"

"Fine," Rebecca replied, "very well in fact. I haven't had an attack in as many weeks."

"And when they come are they still as strong?"

"I can't say as I noticed any great difference from any I've had before."

"Good, that means the pregnancy hasn't affected you in that way," Michaela smiled. "My intention, as it was before, would be to schedule you for a caesarean section around the time that you're due in order to minimise the stress on your heart and to avoid you beginning labour naturally."

"But, how do you know?" Rebecca asked. "I mean, isn't it possible for me to begin labour at any time?"

"Well I can estimate it around your due date."

"Yes but, the last time, with Caroline...it was so early and you couldn't have foreseen it."

"No," Michaela agreed. "But that was a very special circumstance. There's no reason to suspect that the same thing might happen again."

"But it could."

"There are no guarantees, of course."

"Of course," Rebecca looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. "And, can you remind me about the operation?"

"You'll be asleep the whole time," Michaela reassured her. "I'll make an incision in your abdomen and pull your baby out. It'll be over very quickly, though you will need time to recover. You won't be able to lift heavy objects or do very much around your home for some time." She smiled at Preston. "That's where I'm sure Preston will come into his own."

"Oh...well, of course I..." Preston stuttered. "I confess, I know little about the care of babies but I'm sure...sure we would manage."

Michaela's smile dropped as she looked back at Rebecca's worried expression. "Rebecca, I promise I will do everything I can to make sure that your pregnancy and birth are trouble free. I understand your worry..."

"You don't understand," Rebecca cut her off, "You can't possibly understand. You had Katie with such ease! You can't know what it feels like to have opened yourself up to the possibility of a child you believed you were never meant to have, only to lose it. And now, to be faced with it possibly happening again..." she broke off as Preston's hand closed over her own and she looked into his equally pained face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I..."

"Don't apologise," Michaela said, "You're right, I don't understand what it's like to be in your position. I can only do my best to offer sound medical advice and counsel and be there for you as a friend."

"Rebecca's overtired," Preston said. "It's been a busy week having my parents and brother staying with us..."

"I'm not overtired," she interrupted him, rubbing her stomach gently. "I just...I want this child so much and yet I'm so terrified of what might go wrong, for both of us."

XXXX

"Why don't you wait here and I'll fetch the surrey from the station?" Preston asked after they had bid Michaela goodbye. "It'll save you walking in this wind."

Grateful for his concern, she nodded her agreement and sat down on the bench outside of the clinic watching as he loped out of sight towards the station. Across the way, she could see Loren working in the store and realised for the first time how much they now shared in common. Getting up, she crossed the street and made her way into the store, causing him to look up from the ribbon he was measuring. "Rebecca! It's good to see you. How are you?"

"Fine, thank you," she replied.

"Preston's folks get on their way all right?"

"Yes, they left earlier."

"I sure do miss you working here," Loren said. "I know it's out of necessity but...you sure did brighten up the place."

Rebecca glanced around, grateful that the store was empty, that no-one else would be privy to what she wanted to ask. "Loren...may I ask you a personal question?"

He squinted at her, "I suppose."

"How do you bear it?"

"How do I bear what?"

Rebecca felt her eyes fill and her lip quiver. "How do you bear it, having lost Abagail and Hanna..." she broke off, afraid she may have said too much, afraid she might have offended him. He said nothing for a long moment, simply stared through her, as though remembering another time, another place... "I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean..."

"No, no," he said softly. "It's all right. You're asking because of your Caroline, ain't you?" She nodded wordlessly. "Well...it ain't easy, never is. There's days when I think I might turn around and see them. Maud too. Then there's other days that they seem so far away as to be almost a distant memory. You'll sometimes wonder if she was ever really even here. But you'll never forget her and you'll love her until the day you're reunited in Heaven." He looked at her. "And even if he don't say it, I guarantee you that Preston will feel just as you do."

"I sometimes wonder..." her voice broke, "I sometimes wonder if that's true..."

"Aw, come on now..." he stepped forward and hugged her awkwardly. "Of course it's true. No father could think any differently, not even Preston. But you got a whole new life growing inside you now," he squeezed her gently, "and you got to think about that now."

Rebecca drew back from him and wiped her eyes, "You're right, I know you're right."

"Well you're probably about the only person in town who thinks so," he joked. "You go on home now and look forwards, not back." She hesitated and he gestured towards the door. "Your husband's waiting."

She turned and followed his gaze to see that Preston had pulled the surrey to a halt outside the store and was watching her, a concerned expression on his face. "Thank you, Loren."

"Don't thank me," he said, "just make sure you get yourself back here as soon as you can once that baby comes."

Rebecca nodded and then made her way down the steps to where Preston was waiting. He climbed down and took her arm as she approached. "Is everything all right?" he asked, glancing back to where Loren was standing. "You've been crying."

"I'm fine," she replied. "Let's go home."