An: And here we have number two already

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Ron Weasley had officially entered uncharted territory on the "How Should I React to This Nonsense?" spectrum. When Harry had reappeared after vanishing for two years, Ron had dared to hope things might finally make sense again. Instead, his best mate had returned as a walking, talking monument to overachievement—broader than a troll, taller than a half giant, and radiating the energy of someone who'd never lost a game of wizard's chess (or heard of modesty).

At first, it'd been brilliant. Harry's mere presence made the Death Eaters hesitate, and his newfound habit of calling Voldemort "that filthy mutant scum mutant" was uplifting if a bit concerning. But then… the incidents began.

First, the Hogwarts silverware vanished. Then, the Whomping Willow disappeared overnight, replaced by a polite note:"Acquired for the Emperor's Glorious Botanic Collection. – HRP, Blood Ravens." By the time Filch's cat Mrs. Norris went missing ("Suspected Chaos Spy. Interrogation Ongoing."), Ron had started triple-checking his socks.

Which brought him to the current farce:

"POTTER,"Voldemort hissed, his voice cracking like a teenager's mid-hex,"RETURN. MY. SNAKE."

Harry loomed atop the Hogwarts bridge, crimson armor gleaming with freshly polished menace. In one gauntlet, he clutched Nagini like a child's party favor.

"NEGATIVE,"Harry intoned, sounding eerily like Percy reciting cauldron thickness laws."ARTEFACT 0017-'SQUIGGLY BOI' IS NOW PROPERTY OF THE BLOOD RAVENS CHAPTER. PLEASE DIRECT COMPLAINTS TO THE ADEPTUS ADMINISTRATUM."

"SHE'S NOT AN ARTEFACT—"

"CORRECTION:WAS NOT AN ARTEFACT."Harry adjusted his helmet with a sanctimonious clank."CHAPTER MASTER'S ORDERS. WE'RE LIBRARIANS, NOT BARBARIANS."

Ron pinched the bridge of his nose. Somewhere, Hermione was hyperventilating into a library book.

"YOUR DEATH SHALL BE EXCEPTIONALLY PAINFUL, POTTER!"Voldemort screeched, his voice echoing like a deflating balloon animal."LUCIUS! SEIZE HIM!"

Silence.

The Dark Lord whirled around, expecting to find his Death Eater mid-curtsy. Instead, he found empty air. Ron squinted—then spotted Lucius Malfoy's limp form slung over Harry's shoulder like a sack of particularly disappointing potatoes.

"RELEASE MY DEATH EATER THIS INSTANT!"

Harry tilted his head, genuinely baffled."YOUR DEATH EATER? STRANGE. MY SCANS SHOW NO OWNERSHIP TAGS. PER IMPERIAL CODE 7-12-'FINDERS KEEPERS,' HE IS NOW PROPERTY OF THE BLOOD RAVENS."

Voldemort's wand hand twitched."AVADA KEDAVR—WHERE IS MY WAND?!"

Ron didn't need to look. He already knew. Sure enough, the tip of the yew wand jutted from Harry's fist like a toothpick in a Thanksgiving turkey (it looked ridiculous).

"CEASE YOUR THEFT, YOU FILTHY LITTLE—"

"THEFT?!"Harry boomed, clutching his chestplate as if struck."I AM A BLOOD RAVEN, YOU PHILISTINE! OUR SACRED DUTY IS TO PRESERVE RELICS FOR THE GLORY OF OUR PRIMARCH…" He paused, muttering under his breath:"…EVEN IF WE'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHO OUR PRIMARCH IS. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!"

With a huff, he turned on his heel."I SHALL ENDURE NO FURTHER SLANDER. I WILL NOW BE RETURNING TO MY CHAPTER TO FILE A STRONGLY WORDED MISSIVE!"

He stomped past Voldemort, who stood frozen in existential crisis. For a full thirty seconds, the battlefield was silent—until a ceramite-clad hand shot out of nowhere, snatching the Dark Lord by the collar.

"MINE. WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP!"

Harry sprinted into the horizon, Voldemort flapping behind him like a deflating parade float.

Dumbledore, sipping a lemon drop he'd definitely stolen from Harry's armor earlier, twinkled."Two hundred points to Gryffindor! For… creative problem-solving."

This was, of course, meaningless—not only because the school year had just been canceled, but because the House Points hourglass had mysteriously vanished. All that remained was a note:"Relocated for Strategic Review. – HRP, Blood Ravens (We'll Give It Back. Probably.)"

Ron's brain rebooted with all the grace of a misfiring Floo Network. He turned to Hermione, desperate for her to explain why reality had apparently retired to a beach in Ibiza.

"So… does this count as winning?"he asked, gesturing vaguely at the bridge now littered with abandoned Death Eater robes (but no Death Eaters)."Hermione?"

Silence.

He glanced sideways. The space where Hermione had stood moments ago was conspicuously empty, save for a single scroll stamped with a wax seal of a raven clutching a "Borrowed Items" list in its beak.

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF—!"Ron snatched the scroll, unfurling it with a yank.

"To Whom It May Concern (Probably Ron),
The individual designated 'Hermione Granger – Genius/Annoying' has been requisitioned by the Blood Ravens Chapter for archival purposes. Fear not! She will be preserved in our Hall of Relics (Row 12, Shelf C, next to 'Mysterious Toaster' and 'That One Eldar's Shoe').
– HJP, Chief Librarian (Temporarily. We're voting Thursday.)"

"SHE'S NOT ARELIC!"Ron bellowed at the sky.

Dumbledore, now sipping tea from a mug labeled"Property of the Adeptus Administratum – Do Not Steal (Seriously),"patted his shoulder."Look on the bright side, my boy! This simplifies N.E.W.T. study groups."

Ron made a noise like a deflating accordion. Somewhere in the distance, a ceramite-clad figure whisper-sang,"Whop-whop-whop-whop…"

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Thoughts on the bold letters for spoken text, yay or nay?

Also fun fact, Artefact is actually the correct spelling in British English for all you American reader.