Disclaimer: I do not own any of the material appearing in this story. The OC's belong to their respective owners
While Aless and Co are Making Their Way Back to Cascaraffa
BGM: Toad Town (Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story plus Bowser Jr's Journey)
"Wait wait wait, time out a second, metal head. Even you got banned at that pancake joint because your music is too loud?" Deadpool asked as they were at MKHop, with Wade's mask completely off to enjoy the meal. People were staring, but he didn't seem to care.
"Right? Ibuki can play soft music when she wants to! And all because Ibuki just wanted to know why even Mario-chan got himself kicked out of that joint."
"Mario?" Deadpool raised an eyebrow. "What the hell did that guy do?"
"Apparently, rumor has it that Mario-chan threw a fireball at the owner's cousin during a rescue operation to save Peach-chan."
"Yeesh, a little bit of family drama and this happens…" Deadpool shook his head.
"Apparently speaking about it "gets you banned", but he was also wanting to get rid of Ibuki because he doesn't like her music for being "too loud to wake up the dead"."
"Pfft, bullshit. The last concert you had, it actually did wake up the dead and you had a fuckin' rave party of Dry Bones jamming out!"
"That was the intention~!"
Deadpool chuckled. 'So, you're probably wondering why I called you up here."
"Ibuki assumed this wasn't just a casual friend date."
"The thing is… I need friends!" Deadpool said. "Besides you, who do I got?"
"Well, Chiaki-chan is friends with you."
"Pffft, please. Chiaki is friends with everybody. I guarantee you, if another villain shows up in the Smash Mansion, there's an extreme possibility that they'll warm up to her and be friends with her. Just yesterday, I saw her having a pleasant conversation with Ganondorf and Sephiroth."
"She just has that charm~"
"Yeah, and she has the power to do everything. She's a blue mage on steroids… on TOP of steroids and on top of THOSE steroids. Homegirl needs a few nerfs, otherwise she'll find a way to oneshot people like Salem."
"Nerfs like what?" Ibuki tilted her head.
"Oh, I dunno, give her the Smash 4 Meta Knight treatment after the powerhouse that he was in Brawl. Or better yet, give her the Smash Ultimate Bayonetta treatment. Or Diddy Kong so he doesn't hoo-hah all over everyone's faces. Better yet, give her the Greninja treatment. Girl can afford a few nerfs to her arsenal. Lightsabers? Mjolnir? Come on now. I realize there are Star Wars games and Marvel vs Capcom but girl is one killed puppy away to becoming John Wick. She holds back, yes, but everyone slips up. Everyone. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Dimentio makes the poor girl snap and she goes John Wick on everything. I've seen a few Danganronpa fanfictions where she's the mastermind. Trust me, that girl's a ticking time bomb."
Ibuki giggled. "Yeah, maybe Chiaki-chan could use a tune up…"
"I wonder how she's holding up. I've seen the news recently from Sony and… fucking YIKES."
With Chiaki…
Chiaki stared at her computer screen in complete shock. "The PS5 Pro is… is… TWELVE THOUSAND YEN?! WHAT THE FUCK, SONY?!"
Back with the duo…
"Those three extra lines on the PS5 Pro were all the lines of cocaine that the big wigs snorted up."
Ibuki snickered before laughing. "Okay! That… that was pretty good!"
"You were thinking it too, weren't you?"
"Yup~!"
"Alright, name anyone else I'm friends with aside from you and the Gamer Girl."
"Well, let's see…" Ibuki counted on her fingers. "There's JINXY and Umber-chan, but she thinks they tolerate you at best… uh… uuuuuhhhhhh… Cable-chan…?"
"It's Cable."
"Fair enough, retracting that one. Uuuuuuh… hmmmm… oh shit. That's not a lot to go off of."
"Exactly! I think it's time I have my own character arc, ya know? If I can do it in my own threequel, I'm sure I can do it here too."
Ibuki smiled. "Atta boy~!"
"And I know what I'm gonna do."
He put his mask back on.
"It's time for Operation: Make a Friend… and I'm gonna do it with a montage and a pop culture song. Cue the cutaway!"
BGM: Why Can't We Be Friends? (War)
Deadpool stood on the sidewalk at an intersection, seeing the people going about their day. He chuckled and pulled up a cardboard sign.
"Will be your friend!"
Everyone ignored him.
"Hmm… ah!" He pulled out a permanent marker and started drawing on it.
"Will be your friend for food!"
"Will be your friend for an intimate intercourse."
"Will be your friend for cash!"
"Will be your friend for drugs!"
"Will be fruity if you want to be friends!"
"...Mmmph."
Deadpool tossed the cardboard box into a dumpster. "What the hell am I doing, I'm not a fucking prostitute!"
"Hup! Hup! Hnngh! I know the Ice Climbers are scaling this mountain! This was their designated mountain today!" He said, continuing to climb a mountain and not noticing a sign nearby.
"DANGER: POLAR BEARS."
Deadpool reached the summit. "Alright! Where are you two!" He wondered as he looked around and noticed something in the distance. He pulled out some binoculars and saw the Ice Climbers on a different summit. "FUCK! I climbed the wrong mountain!"
He got poked on the shoulder as he turned around to see a polar bear. "Ooooh… shit… why the fuck are you wearing shades? It's a fucking blizzard out here and unless you're giving me Coca Cola, I just want you to know that I am a Pepsi kind of guUUUUUUUYYYY!"
"Do you hear that?" Nana asked at the other summit. "Sounds like some poor soul is getting ripped to shreds."
"Ooof, better them than us."
"Hmmm…" Deadpool looked at some watermelon, rubbing his chin in thought. "Hehehe~!" He smirked as he picked up two watermelon.
He then walked over to Gerudo Town having two watermelon inside of his suit, also wearing a veil and a wig.
"Ladies." Deadpool greeted the two Gerudo and walked in…
"Waaaaaah!"
SPLAT!
…And got kicked out from a few Gerudo warriors.
"You popped my melons!" Deadpool said as he got up. "Ugh! I knew I shouldn't have gone for the Senran Kagura approach…"
Deadpool looked through some binoculars. "Let's see… the elusive Pokemon Trainers ought to be out here in this wild dense forest. Will I bump into Maylene? Will I come face to face with the wild Misty? Perhaps I could share a connection with Brock. Or better yet, perhaps I could see if Whitney is using a Miltank to crush little kids' dreams… or maybe-"
"Grrrrr…"
Deadpool looked up to see an angry Kangaskahn looking down at him… and he was in her pouch.
"Uuuh… G'day mate! Croikey, isn't it a lovely day for a stroll, yes? Bloody hell, my Steve Irwin impression needs work!"
BANG!
POW!
CRASH!
SMASH!
Kangaskahn punted Deadpool to a tree and walked off with a grumble.
"Uuuugh… and this is why we don't have a kangaroo Pokemon… they're all assholes…"
"Hi, yes, I'm looking for a guy named Rayman? Have any of you seen-"
"Bwah bah?"
"...Uh oh." Deadpool whimpered as he saw an army of Rabbids staring at him.
"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"ACK! NO NO NO NO! I DO NOT NEED TO BE MOLESTED BY UBISOFT'S MINIONS!" Deadpool yelled as he took off running.
"Hey! Hey big guy! Wake up!" Deadpool yelled, clanging some pots together at the peak of a mountain. "I didn't come all this way to your world to be a bump on a log! I know you're in there, so-"
Suddenly, a giant devil came out of the volcano.
"Yo! Chernabog! How's it going, big guy? Listen, maybe we could get you out of this volcano and have you step out into some sunshine and interact with folks in Toad Town! I'm sure Bowser would like you… it's either him or Maleficent and trust me, I think we know who's the better optio-"
SMASH!
Chernabog went back into his home while Deadpool was nothing more than a pancake.
"Great talk…"
"Rrrrgh…"
"Eaaasy Toothless. It's just me. Yes, I managed to bullshit my way into the Dreamworks universe, but I think you would make a great friend! Just gotta do what Hiccup did… easy… easy…"
He almost put his hand on his head… and immediately got flambed and then mercilessly mauled to death.
"AIYEEE! HE MAKES THIS LOOK SO FUCKING EASY!"
"Excuse me, you must be Dominic Toretto. I was wondering if you could be part of the family. I think we could be great friends."
Deadpool facepalmed after reciting the line, looking at the destroyed house.
"What am I doing! That damn Jason Mamoa separated everyone and put everyone in a cliffhanger!"
He walked off with a grumble.
"I wouldn't even have a shot with Dwayne Johnson and his sexy shiny bald head anyway…"
"Just so you know, I could be a better replacement than that fake ass vampire." Deadpool said, casually leaning against a wall. "You could use a better friend than Celeste any day."
"Mmmph…" Dracula grumbled.
"Just think… you and I? We could be roommates! We can kick Celeste out of here, put Jacques out of his misery and-"
His head was cut off by Death.
"Ugh!" Deadpool groaned. "Lady Death is better than you, you decrepit fuck!"
"I had to wade through a lot of singing animals just to get here and I'm… starting to get deja vu here."
"Bapoy? Bapoy Bapoy!"
"Draka looka Fo!"
"Hahahahaha!"
Several missiles were aimed at Deadpool.
"Yeeeup, coming to the Illumination-verse was a bad idea, considering they tend to milk you guys dry and… IS THAT A FUCKING NUKE?! HOW MUCH MONEY DOES GRU HA-"
BOOOOOOOM!
Deadpool dialed up a number. "Hmhmhmhm~"
"Hello?"
"Ethan Hunt! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to rendevouz with the handsome devil known as Deadpool, and we can go fuck shit up in Cairo and perhaps-"
Beep beep beep
"Fuck! My one chance to be friends with Tom Cruise! Actually, wait, I could possibly try Top Gun, find Maverick and …Wait a minute, don't these things self destruct in five seco-"
Bzzzzzt!
"Auuuugh! That's my good hand!"
"Nnngh! Why is M16 arresting me?!"
"You are unauthorized to be here!"
"Come on, I just want to chat with James Bond!"
"Agent 007 is dead!"
"FUCK! I came here post No Time To Die, didn't I?! Daniel Craig, YOU SON OF A-"
"Do do do do~" Deadpool hummed as he was flying a fighter jet. "So this is what's like to fly a Tomcat. Pretty neat!" He chuckled as he heard beeping on his radar where he saw some fighter jets flying next to him.
"Identify yourself!"
"Uh, hi, name's Wade Wilson. I'm just flying over to your airbase where I could find Maverick and be fly buddies with him and-"
"Sir, turn around before we shoot you down!"
"Are you fuckin' deaf? I was just asking for Maverick!"
"We heard you, but he's really busy right now, so turn around and don't come back. What business do you have with Maverick anyway?"
"Oh, that's easy. I want to be his friend!"
Radio silence.
"I take it by the awkward radio silence that you are in agreement that you want to be-"
Beep beep beep
"-...Friends with Tom Cruise, OH YOU SON OF A BITCH." He yelled as he hit the eject button and launched out as the fighter jet exploded. "You assholes just blew up cinema history! I hope Hollywood cancels you guys in case you guys do a threequel!"
"I can't believe I'm this desperate." Deadpool said as he knocked on a door, and then Kratos opened the door.
"What do you want?"
"You're becoming a cameo regular around these parts. Sora, Ratchet and Clank and now me! So why don't you come to Toad Town and we can-"
SLAM!
"I didn't hear a no! Is that… is that a maybe? Hello? Papa Kratos? …Well, at least it was worth a shot."
"You're a new face around here~"
"Ah shit…" Deadpool frowned. "Green hair, a killer outfit, and a resting sadist face? You must be an Übel."
"An Übel?"
"Listen, do you know where I could find Frieren? I'm sure she and her party were here recently-"
"Who can tell?" Übel shrugged. "You… I like you…" She said, putting her hand on his chest.
Deadpool shuddered. "Look lady, I'm all for foreplay, but I'd rather not have my suit torn to shreds with your talent."
"Oh, so you're aware of what I do? Heh, then maybe I won't feel as bad once I'm done with you." Übel said as she turned around. "I'm already bored, so let's get this over-"
She turned around, seeing a blinking white outline of Deadpool.
"-With?" She blinked before shrugging. "He seemed like a monster but, eh… I'll let him live another day."
With Deadpool…
"Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope!" Deadpool ran through a village. "I'm not gonna be fileted by a green haired wild child!"
End BGM
Deadpool sat down on a bench in Toad Town, letting out a sigh. "Shit. Friend searching is harder than I thought. Wonder if I'm being too forward…"
"Ah-hyuck. Lookin' for a friend there, Deadpool?"
Deadpool looked up to see Goofy approaching. "Oh, Bill Farmer. Good to hear your voice."
"I don't know who this Bill Farmer is, but he sounds like a friendly feller!"
"Oho, you have no idea." He said as Goofy sat down next to him. "So, what are you wandering around for?"
"Oh, I was just walkin' around and I saw you looking sad, so I thought I'd come cheer ya up."
"Oh, ain't that convenient. So, how are the other folks treatin' ya?"
"They're doing great, though Namine seems to be caught up in somethin'. She went off to go check on Inkopolis but hasn't come back yet."
"Well, knowing her, she got caught up in a Turf War. She'll be fine. And Donald and Sora?"
"About the same as always."
"Sounds about right."
"By the way, why do you wear that that there mask anyway?"
"I'm a merc, we wear masks to make ourselves look more threatening."
"That Shez gal is a merc and she doesn't wear a mask."
"Gah… had to play the Shez card… alright, promise you won't throw up?"
"I promise!"
Deadpool took off his mask. "This is what I look like."
"Oh!"
"...I know. I look like an avocado fucked with the topography of the state of Utah, don't I?"
"Actually, I'd say that you look rather unique! There's nothing wrong with that."
"Buddy, I was being fucked by cancer and this is the end result when I tried to get rid of it."
"But you beat it, didn't you? You're still standin'."
Wade put his mask back on. "You're damn right! Of course, people think I'm some sort of freak when I have it off, but I ignore 'em."
"That's good! You definitely are who you are and that's what makes you you! There's nothing to be ashamed about you and the unique patterns on your face."
"Heh, yeah, well, kinda hard to make friends with this…"
"Oh, pshaw! I can be your friend, Wade!"
Deadpool slowly turned to Goofy, his eyes widening. "You mean it…?" He asked, his voice cracking hard.
"Eyup!"
"You… you are just too pure, my good man! Bring it in, big guy!" Deadpool said as both of them hugged as Goofy patted him on the back as Deadpool sobbed uncontrollably for a few seconds.
"I think I know someone else who can be your friend, Wade!"
"Who is it?"
"I'll be right back!" Goofy walked off.
"...I can't believe I just cried in Goofy's shoulders. Gah, does that make me a pansy Disney princess? Bah, no… that makes me fabulous."
Later…
"I'm back! And I brought a friend along!"
"Poyoooo!"
"Kirby? I feel like that's easy mode… like Chiaki, he's friends with everyone!" Deadpool said. "...Shit, I should've started with Kirby from the start."
He then knelt down. "Still. Who could be mad at this cute little puffball?"
"Show 'em your face, Wade."
"And scar this little baby for life? …Fuck it, he's an Eldritch Monster destroyer. What's a fucked up face gonna do to him?"
He pulled off his mask.
Kirby stared at the face. "Poyo…" He whispered before he pulled out a Maximum Tomato. "Poyo Poyo."
"Ooooh!" Deadpool patted him on the head. "A Maximum Tomato won't fix this, lil' guy but I appreciate the cute sentiment." He said as he took it anyway and ate it up, pulling out a mirror and looked at himself. "...Nope. Still a rotten avocado."
"Poyo." Kirby frowned before shrugging it off and hugging Wade's leg. "Poyo poyo!"
Wade put his mask on and patted his head. "Cute little munchkin, aren't you?"
"He sure is!" Goofy smiled.
"You know what? I say we do something in celebration for this momentous occasion!"
A minute later…
"Excuse me, bartender! A few glasses of your finest milk for my friends!"
"Read the room, pal. This is an alcoholic pub."
"Yeah, you see that puffball right there? Do you really want a drunk eldritch monster slayer bottomless pit that could potentially destroy the Mushroom Kingdom worse than what Bowser could do? …By complete drunken accident?"
"...I'll go check the fridge to see if we have any milk."
"You do that."
"Gawrsh, that was smart of you, Wade."
"The last thing I need is a furious Kirigiri on my ass when she, and we KNOW she will, survives the drunken onslaught."
"I'd like some milk too!" A voice said as Deadpool turned his head to see Caboose.
"Caboose?" Deadpool wondered.
"Hellooooooo new friend!"
"New friend? I didn't even make an-... you know what, I'm not even gonna question it! Bring it in!" Deadpool said as Caboose hugged him tightly. "Oh! You've… got a massive bear hug on you! A lot softer than that Bewear I hugged last Thursday…"
"You hugged a Bewear?" Goofy asked.
"It was a trainer's Bewear. I thought it'd have a more gentler hug than a wild one! My spine did not enjoy it." Deadpool said, patting Caboose on the head as Caboose let go.
"I'm just here to hang out with her." Caboose said, pointing toward Sister.
"Ah, Kaikaiana! I didn't even see you there." Deadpool said.
"Glad I'm not just "Grif's Sister" to you."
"You kiddin'? I watched all of the seasons of Red vs Blue… including the really terrible Shisno Trilogy! …I skipped Zero because… we don't talk about that." Deadpool shuddered.
"I have no idea what you're talkin' about but… cool anyway."
"I'm here too!" Miu waved. "Just taking a break from working on SAPR."
"Eyyy, now it's a party in here!" Deadpool cheered.
"Good news! We actually have some milk. A few jugs worth of it."
"Good! Make some milk for my blue friend over here too."
"Noted."
Ding ding!
"Huh… what is this, a milk party?" Qrow wondered.
"Well, if it isn't the shaggy bird himself." Deadpool said as Qrow pulled up a seat.
"Nice to see you too, Wade." Qrow said. "What brings you here?"
"I was on a quest to find friends."
"You? Find friends? I thought you had friends. There's Ibuki, there's the gamer girl, there's… uh… huh… was that really it?"
"Yeah, so I went to make friends… got my soul crushed, and then Goofy found me, then well, it snowballed into me making friends with everyone in here."
"Fair enough." Qrow chuckled as the bartender handed him his usual.
"I thought you stopped drinking."
"Frankly, it's a lord harder than it looks. Summer thought she could get me to stop but… well, it's not easy. I know Rosie tends to switch out the whiskey for actual grape juice so I could "set an example" for Oran and Anya, but… blegh…"
"Oh, I'm sure you'll get past this."
"Maybe you could get me to stop drinkin'. What's behind that mask of yours?" Qrow asked as Deadpool simply took it off. "Huh… you look like a dried up prune that's been sunbathing for too long."
"Cancer will do that to ya."
"Cancer, huh?" Qrow raised his finger as another drink came his way. "Here. Drink your sorrows away with this."
"Thanks." Deadpool took a sip.
"To friends drinking our sorrows away… or being pansies and drinking milk." Qrow said, looking over at the booth as Goofy, Caboose and Kirby were drinking milk while smiling.
"Here here. Cheers!" Deadpool and Qrow both clinked their glasses.
A few minutes later…
"Hahaha! That's a hell of a story there…" A drunken Qrow said.
"Tell me about it. Too bad I couldn't convince Logan to come back and chill with us but, eh, maybe some other time."
"Gawrsh, maybe this Logan feller needs a hug after hearing all that." Goofy said.
"He doesn't like hugs. Believe me, I've tried."
"I wonder if I could stick those blades of his up my ass… it would sound kinda hot!" Sister said.
"Oooh, turn that into a vibrator and we got a good one~!" Miu giggled.
"Trust me, you don't want those claws anywhere near you." Deadpool said. "Of course, considering how you usually operate, Kai, I'm sure that-"
"Yeah, that's what everyone expects isn't it? The resident dumb slut who was dumb enough to burn down her own home. I was... chubby. I mean, I still am but... back when I was a teenager, I didn't love it. In high school, everyone was screwin' each other, and I wasn't ready, and it's like, you say "frigid," suddenly I'm in short pants at Wailuku High, hearing it again for the first time. So hear I am now, the dumb slut. But at least I'm smart to know that…"
Everyone looked at her in surprise, even Kirby looked a bit concerned.
"Well, fuck! That turned a one eighty out of nowhere." Deadpool said.
"You feelin' okay?" Qrow asked.
"I'm just saying… everyone thinks you're a dumb slut because you were the party animal. Everyone just calls you a slut because you were just having fun but with no friends whatsoever. It's because of that that I don't even have any friends. The Reds and Blues, minus Caboose, think I'm a freak, I dated Tucker for a while but we broke up because I realized I'm just… going way too far. Not to mention… I'm just a whole fucking mess! I even tried to apologize to Xena last week after what I tried to do to her body when everyone was searching for the Director and she just fuckin' noped all the way to Alola! UGH! I'm just… pathetic."
"Shit…" Deadpool walked over to her. "Sounds like someone needs a hug! We're all here for each othe-"
"Who wants to get high!" Sister suddenly blurted out.
"AAAAAAAND there it is!"
"You really think I'd do shit like that?!" Miu asked before she shifted her eyes. "What ya got?"
"Just these mushrooms I've found."
"Now you're talking!"
"Are they the Alice in Wonderland mushrooms? I've sworn off of those…" Deadpool said with a shudder. "Ya don't want to know what I did under the influence of those things."
"I don't think I'd want to." Qrow said.
Miu gulped them down, her eyes widening in realization. "...Wait. Kai. These mushrooms were from Mushroom Fields, right?"
"Yeah, they were orange and polka dotty. What about it?" Sister wondered, and right on cue, Miu grew gigantic as she tore through the ceiling of the pub.
"Ooooh… NO REASON!" Miu yelled.
"Gawrsh! It looks like she consumed a lot of Mega Mushrooms!" Goofy exclaimed.
"Poyo poyo!" Kirby called out to her.
"And now I want a giant glass of milk!" Caboose said.
"Coooooool!" Sister's eyes sparkled through her helmet.
"Not again…" The pub bartender groaned.
"Just stay where you are! You'll shrink back down in a few seconds!" Qrow called out. "...Hopefully."
"Oooh man… I really hope people look under me… ah geez, the thought of it is making me all hot and bothered…!" She blushed and had a wild look in her eyes. "On the bright side, at least my tits got the most major upgrade! I-Cups to Triple Z baby!"
"Hey Miu, how's the weather up there!" Sister called out… to which Miu accidentally stomped on her in her sexual panic "OOOOMPH! …Being crushed by a giant foot… that's really hot!"
Deadpool chuckled, putting his mask back on. "I think this is gonna be a wonderful friend circle." He said happily.
Just outside, Ibuki peeked in from the window and chuckled with a smile. "Atta boy."
Shout out to Yoshi for this Gaiden idea!
Ibuki: Ibuki's proud of him!
Yeah, it's quite the unique friend circle!