Anna stood indecisively in front of the bedroom door. Finally, she took a deep breath and entered. John had offered her - as she had expected - to sleep on the sofa so that she would have the bed to herself. But she had vehemently refused. She didn't want to put him through that. She wanted to prove to him that she could do it. Even if she would never tell him so.
She had finally told him that she was going upstairs to change and go to bed. John wanted to light the fireplace, as the cottage was very cool. Another advantage was that the bedroom was directly above the living room and thus the chimney flue went through the room and also gave off heat. So it wasn't quite as cold at night. She knew that he was only doing it for her, he himself didn't mind so much when it was cooler in the house. It was she who quickly froze at night.
She took her nightgown from the bed and changed her clothes and then went into the adjacent, small bathroom.
When she was back in the bedroom and was just sorting her clothes for the next day, there was a knock and her husband opened the door: "Are you done, can I come in?"
She nodded and was grateful for his consideration. Otherwise he had never knocked, but she had never minded either.
While John began to undress, Anna climbed under her duvet and turned on her side. She didn't want to watch him do what she had always liked to do.
She finally heard John leave the room to go to the bathroom and how he came back to the bedroom shortly afterwards. He closed the door and she felt the mattress lower. The blanket rustled and he lay down next to her.
They were silent.
A few weeks ago, John would have slid up to her, put his arm around her and she would have taken his hand in hers.
Now they lay alone.
Anna longed to be held in her husband's arms, but she also knew that she would find it difficult to stand the touch. But didn't she owe it to him? He hadn't blamed her at all, hadn't threatened to send her to a women's asylum, hadn't punished her. Wasn't that the least she could do?
She owed it to him.
Their fingers played nervously with each other.
She owed it to him.
She had to make him happy again, after everything she had done to him.
"Do you want to take me in your arms," she finally whispered.
John, who hadn't expected to hear anything more from her, turned his head in her direction in amazement: "Are you sure?"
Without thinking, Anna nodded quickly.
She owed it to him.
She felt the mattress move, then she felt her husband's warm body behind her and his arm as he wrapped himself around her and held her hand. Then, as always, he gave her a tender kiss on the back of the head: "I love you Anna."
Her breath caught and she felt panic spread through her. Quickly she whispered: "Me you too."
John began to stroke her hand with his thumb. He always did that, too. It calmed her down and she fell asleep quickly. Not today. She wanted to get up, run away, scream, but she didn't.
She owed it to him.
She forced herself to breathe calmly so as not to panic.
At some point she heard her husband's steady breathing. He was about to turn around, he always did that when he fell asleep. She had to wait that long. She would make it.
At some point, after John had turned around, Anna also fell asleep.
It wasn't a deep sleep, but she was dreaming.
HE was there.
HE touched her everywhere.
HE said abominable things about her husband.
HE slapped her in the face.
HE pushed them to the ground.
HE tore her dress.
HE pushed her legs apart.
Anna began to whimper, then lashed out and finally began to scream.
"Anna."
HE held her tight, grabbed her by the arm.
"Anna."
HE wouldn't let her go.
"Anna, you're just dreaming."
HE shook her.
"Anna. Open your eyes. You're dreaming."
In panic, she opened her eyes wide, continued to thrash around and scream.
"Anna, he's not here. I am here. John. Your husband."
She recognized his voice.
She breathed frantically and jumped out of bed.
She looked at him with wide eyes.
"He's not here, Anna. You're safe here," her husband talked to her calmly.
"He's John. He's here," Anna sobbed.
John shook his head: "No Anna, you were dreaming. He's not here."
"He's here John," Anna looked at him in panic: "He's here. It's in my head and when I close my eyes, it's there."
Desperately, the dark-haired man looked at his wife: "What can I do Anna?"
She shook her head: "Nothing."
"I want to help you, Anna. Tell me what I can do."
Anna didn't want to talk any further: "We have to sleep John." Then she crawled back under her blanket, pulled it up wide and closed her eyes.
John, who had sat up in bed, looked at her, tears shining in his eyes. He hated to see her suffer so much and not be able to help her.
Finally, he lay down again, but did not slide back to her. He wasn't sure if that was right now.
With a look at Anna, he finally fell asleep again.
Anna lay awake for a long time that night. She didn't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning. But she already knew that. She hadn't slept much in the main house either. The nightmares had subsided there at some point or didn't come as often anymore and had never been as intense as that night, but she hadn't really slept well there either.