The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am back with another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, our favorite residential movie critic kicked off Sequelitis Month: The Revenge with a countdown of the top 10 best sequels. Today, Sean is going to review the fifth entry in the Rocky series and probably the worst one in the franchise. And that movie is Rocky V. Is this movie still considered the worst in the series or is it worth redeeming? We'll find out today in the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Rocky V is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and United Artists.
Sequelitis Month: The Revenge Part II: Rocky V
The episode starts with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic as we see him sitting in his man-cave with a disgruntled look on his face as if he really did not want to review this movie.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said, begrudgingly. "And welcome back to Sequelitis Month: The Revenge."
(Once again, we're treated to the "Sequelitis Month: The Revenge" title card)
Announcer: What time is it? It's sequel time!
Sean: (V/O) Kill me now!
"God, I have to go through this thing this month. Well, this is it. This is the big one. This is the movie that I'm finally getting to review because it's the worst movie ever. In fact, a lot of people have mocked and insulted this movie. Well, there's no use in turning back now. It's finally time to tackle Rocky V." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Rocky V" is shown, followed by clips from the movie are shown while the song "Measure of a Man" by Elton John plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I'm joining the bandwagon of Internet movie critics who bashed this movie. Rocky V was released in theaters on November 16th, 1990. It's legacy is pretty much the polar opposite of the original. Sylvester Stallone was in the peak of his career, he was a very popular Hollywood actor and he wanted to finish off the Rocky franchise with the fifth movie. Yeah, it was going to be a smash-hit of the holiday season, but instead it made about $14 million on it's opening weekend. Hell, Home Alone beat Rocky V on it's opening week. Yeah, a film about a kid left alone injuring burglars with his dangerous traps beat a Rocky movie. In fact, Stallone hated the movie and he gave it a 0 out of 10. Damn! It's that bad when the star of your movie hates it. Even though Stallone directed Rocky II, Rocky III and Rocky IV, Stallone handed directorial duties down to the late John G. Avildsen, the director of the first film. Now, you might think that's a good sign, right?
"But then again, Avildsen directed The Karate Kid Part III and that one sucked. Come on, it's not gonna be bad, right?" Sean asked as he becomes worried. "It stinks, right?"
(A clip from Rocky is shown)
Rocky (Played by Sylvester Stallone): That's right, it stinks!
"Oh, man. This is gonna hurt. This is Rocky V." Sean said.
(The movie begins with a recap of Rocky IV, where we see Rocky fighting Ivan Drago)
Sean: (Narrating) You wouldn't guess how the movie starts, with a recap of the last film, where we see Rocky getting punched by Drago repeatedly. Also, it's nice to see that Bill Conti is back to compose the music for this movie because in the last one Vince DiCola composed the music for Rocky IV. I'm guessing Bill Conti was busy composing music for the movie F/X.
"Hell, F/X is a better movie than Rocky V. I should be reviewing that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that little recap, the movie properly opens with...
(We see Rocky standing in the shower naked, showing his bare ass to the camera, an image of a donkey's face is superimposed on)
"Oh, great. That's great! I mean, really?! Do we need to see Stallone's bare ass? This is a PG movie! A family picture." Sean said.
(The poster for Rocky V is shown, followed by the PG-13 rating)
"Oh, yeah. The movie did get a PG-13 rating and it's the only film in the Rocky franchise to get it. But still, no need for us to see Stallone's ass!" Sean exclaimed.
Duke (Played by Tony Burton): Man, I never saw nothing like it! Came through like a champ you are. You did yourself and everybody proud, especially Apollo.
Rocky: Yo, Tony.
Duke: Yeah, what is it,baby? What do you need?
Rocky: Get Adrian.
(Duke looks back with a worried look on his face)
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky seems to be having some trouble and tells Duke to go get Adrian. She arrives, sadly not to see him in his naked glory anymore, as she sees what's wrong with him.
Rocky: Remember when Mick said when he was fighting, sometimes he'd fight so hard that he was thinking that he'd broke something inside, and he was gonna die, and that's what he said, that's when the angels were pulling on him.
Adrian (Played by Talia Shire): Rocky, you're scaring me. I don't know... what's wrong?
Rocky: Adrian, I can't...
Adrian: Can't what?
Rocky: I can't stop my hands from shaking.
(Adrian looks down at Rocky's hands and sees them shaking)
"Well, that's what happens when you get your head caved in by a superpowered Russian. Plus, you aged like five years, because you were thirty-nine in the last movie and now you're forty-four. Boy, you could tell that it was noticeablein this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Rocky's experiencing some of the after effects from the fight, which explains that speech he made at the end of the last movie.
(Cut to the ending of Rocky IV)
Rocky: If I can change and you can change, everybody can change.
"In fact, this is what he was saying for his speech." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Rocky) Mickey Mouse, Disneyland. Duck Season and Rabbit Season. I love you all!
(The audience stay silent and we hear the sound of crickets chirping)
Sean: (Narrating) Adrian wants him to get some medical attention, but he just wants to go home, which he does. They return to the good 'ol U.S. of A. where they are greeted by a big crowd of people who are just happy to see him.
Rocky: Adrian, where's the kid?
Adrian: I don't know.
Rocky: I don't see the kid. Where's the kid? Ain't he here?
Rocky Jr. (Played by Sage Stallone): (Runs out to his father) Dad! Dad!
"Goddamn! Rocky's son aged five years between movies!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, that is Stallone's actual son, Sage Stallone, and he's playing Rocky Jr. Yeah, you know it's a bad sign when actors put their own kid in their movie. But actually, he's pretty good. Sadly, Sage Stallone passed away at the age of 36 back in 2012.
"But aside from tragic deaths, did you ever notice that a marching band was playing the Rocky theme?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After Rocky is greeted by his son and everybody welcoming him back, there's a press conference going on as the reporters asks Rocky some questions about the fightwith Ivan Drago, but then an unscrupulous promoter by the name of George Washington Duke, played by Richard Gant, tries to goad Rocky into fighting his champion boxer Union Cane, played by Michael Anthony Williams.
George Washington Duke (Played by Richard Gant): I'm talking about a fantastic international extravaganza, to be held in Japan, called "Letting It Go in Tokyo." People, ain't it incredible that only in America could people like us rise from oppression, rise from poverty, to join hands in this international event? Only in America!
"Yeah, I'm sure that this guy doesn't remind us of anybody that we know." Sean said as a picture of Don King is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. There is one problem about this...
Adrian: Excuse me. My husband is retired.
"Retired? Uh, Adrian, you shouldn't speak for him. I mean, Rocky should speak for himself if he wants to retire or not." Sean said.
"Yeah, it's his choice." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, doesn't Union Cane remind you of a certain boxer?
Union Cane (Played by Michael Anthony Williams): Balboa, I want the opportunity to take what you got./The whipping you got ain't nothing like what I got here for you.
(Cut to Mike Tyson's infamous Lennox Lewis press conference)
Mike Tyson: (To the reporter) You can't last two minutes in my world, bitch! Look at you scared now, you hoe! Scared like a little white pussy. Scared of the real man! I'll fuck you till you love me, (beep)!
"Yeah, I'm sure he doesn't remind me of someone that we all know." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky, for the time being, decides not to take the deal to fight Union Cane and ignoring questions about his retirement. He returns home to his mansion. Oh, great. We get to see that damn robot again. And Rocky Jr. becomes worried about his father.
Rocky Jr.: Hey, Uncle Paulie, you notice something strange about Dad?
Paulie (Played by Burt Young): He just took a few hard shots.
"He kept getting his head beat by the dude who played He-Man. He was trying to show him that he has the power." Sean said, imitating Paulie.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Rocky checks in on his son, who is busy working on some drawings and the two of them get the time to bond with each other and we see that Rocky Jr. is enjoying the finer things in life, like art.
(Rocky comes across a drawing and becomes amazed by it)
Rocky: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Who's this?
(The drawing is revealed to be Rocky Jr.'s French teacher, and it's a nude drawing of her)
Rocky Jr.: That's Madame Dupont, my French teacher.
Rocky: Really? (Looks at the drawing once more) Yeah, she looks French, sure. I wouldn't show this to your mother, 'cause she, she don't understand French too good.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that a 14-year-old would create a nude drawing of his teacher. I can top that. I made a drawing of Andrea Beaumont from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, naked while she's holding the Phantasm mask to cover up her breasts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky gets his son into bed and does the quarter behind the ear magic trick like he's somebody's grandpa, he overhears an argument between Adrian and Paulie because he did something pretty stupid.
Rocky: Hey, Adrian, what's wrong?
Paulie: Look what you done now. She's dumping everything on me.
Adrian: Come on, Paulie. Don't turn this around on me.
Rocky: Come on, what'd you do, Paulie?
Adrian: He gave power... Power of attorney to our accountant.
Rocky: What?
Paulie: Gave... I just didn't gave anything to nobody, huh? He sent a letter! He says we're gonna be in Russia a couple of months. He says, "And I need Rocky to sign a tax extension!"
Adrian: Not an extension! That was a power of attorney, Paulie!
"And to make matters worse, Rocky's accountant embezzled all of his money on some real estate deals and failed to pay Rocky's taxes within the past six years. The crooked bastard." Sean said.
Rocky: Adrian, what's happening here? Huh?
Adrian: It's gone.
Rocky: What's gone?
Adrian: The money. The money. Everything. It's all gone.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, things aren't going so well with Rocky, his accountant's a crooked bastard, and to top it all off his lavish mansion has a $400,000 mortgage, but his attorney tells him that it is fixable.
Paulie; You can sell some things. Remember those commercials you did?
Rocky: You know, Paulie, I ain't no commercial kind of guy. I'm a fighter. It's what I do for a living.
"Aw, hell. I just had an image of Rocky Balboa starring in a Trojan Condoms commercial." Sean said before he started to talk in his Rocky impersonation. "Hey, get the Trojan Magnums. Your girl will love how big you are in the bedroom. You'll be a total Italian Stallion."
Rocky's Attorney: Why not a couple of fights? With your popularity right now, you could be out of this thing in no time.
Adrian: No, he's retiring.
Paulie: Rocko, fighting's the ticket.
Adrian: I said he's retired! Paulie, we're here because of you!
Paulie: I'm not taking the heat for all this.I thought I was doing smart business.
Adrian: You thought you did smart business?
Paulie: Hey, you...
Adrian: Me! What are you talking about me?
Paulie: The accountant was your choice!
Adrian: My choice?
Paulie: You should have known he was a thief, but you're never awake because you live in this fairy-tale world where the air don't move.
Adrian: Paulie...
Paulie: You're like a season that don't change!
Rocky: Hey, you don't talk to her like this.
Paulie: I'm not no tomato can you kick around!
"You can't talk to me like this, I was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Paulie.
Taylor: (V/O as Adrian, offscreen) So what?! I was nominated an Academy Award for Best Actress.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky wants to fight Union Cane just so he can get his money back, but Adrian urges him to go see a doctor first, which he does and he gets some bad news.
Doctor: Because of the continuous violent blows to the head, you've developed a condition particular to boxers called cavum septum pellucidum, which is a hole in the membrane separating the ventricles. The brain's surface neurons in this area have also been traumatized.
Dr. Rimlan (Played by Patrick Cronin): Excuse me, Doctor. Simply stated, Mr. Balboa, it means that you've suffered some damage to the brain.
Adrian: How long until he recovers?
Doctor: The effects are irreversible.
"Yeah, that's what messed up Rocky after the fight with Drago. Friggin' brain damage. Seriously? And calling it "cavum septum pellucidum". Isn't that present in fetuses?" Sean asked.
Rocky: I just fought the best fight of my life. I just did that, you know, and all I need is a couple more.
Adrian: No, Rocky, you suffered severe brain trauma.
Rocky: Well, he could be wrong. Anybody could be wrong.
Adrian: I don't think he is.
Rocky: He ain't God. Look, Adiran, only God ain't wrong.
Adrian: Hey, Rocky, this is what's good for you.
Rocky: All I need is a couple easy ones, right?
Adrian: Not with the way it is. You can't get licensed in any state. He can't get licensed anyway, Doctor?
Dr. Rimlan: That is correct.
"You do realize that career boxers suffer from that and it's not as bad as you make it out to be because it's not fatal and also Rocky can still pass a clean bill of health and be given a license to fight. This is one of the problems with this movie, it's medical inaccuracies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Because of the crooked accountant and a condition that's keeping him from fighting in the ring, Rocky retires and he sells damn near every last thing that he owns.
"And as for the robot, I'm pretty sure that sold the robot and turned it into scrap." Sean said as he starts eating some popcorn from out of the robot's head.
Rocky: (To his son) Don't worry about it. We've been down before. I'll get it all back. We just gotta stick together, all right? Home team.
Rocky Jr.: Yeah, right.
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, Rocky. There are other ways to make more money in your career. You could have a book deal, star in a movie. Hell, you could own a restaurant and name it after your wife.
"Oh, wait. That happens in Rocky Balboa. And it's a better movie than Rocky V! Why am I not reviewing that one?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, since his belongings that he sold are gone, he still has his old hat, reminding us that we should be watching a better movie than this one.
Rocky: (On the hat) Hey, it still fits.
Adrian: Why you wearing those clothes?
Rocky: I was just going through some of the stuff up there, and I found 'em, and they feel kind of comfortable, you know?
Adrian: Well, I was looking all over for you downstairs. It's kind of depressing.
Rocky: Yeah, I know what you mean. (Shows Adrian's glasses) What's this doing in your ear?
Adrian: (Sees her glasses) What? Oh, God.
Rocky: Remember these?
Adrian: I... yeah.
Rocky: Go ahead.
Adrian: You... (Puts on her glasses) I remember when you took them off.
Rocky: That's right. First time I ever kissed you, remember? (Takes Adrian's glasses from off her face) Kiss me.
(Rocky kisses Adrian)
"Thanks, movie. Thanks for reminding me to watch a better movie. You suck!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky decides to head out a bit to be alone and heads down to the old neighborhood on the mean streets of Philly and he comes across Mickey's gym. He heads inside to check it out and he has a flashback of him and Mickey, played by Burgess Meredith, and as much as I give this movie shit, this is one of the better scenes of the movie and this little flashback between him and Mickey is worth watching and it's great to see Burgess Meredith reprising his role as Mickey.
Mickey (Played by Burgess Meredith): (Gives Rocky Marciano's cufflink to Rocky) See that? This is the favorite thing that I have on this Earth, and Rocky Marciano give me that. You know what it was? His cufflink. And now I'm giving it to you. And it is gonna be like a... Like an angel on your shoulder, see? (Coughs) If you ever get hurt, and you feel that you're going down, this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. He's gonna say, "Get up, you son of a bitch, 'cause Mickey loves you." Okay?
Rocky: Thanks, Mick.
Mickey: All right.
Rocky: (Hugs Mickey) I love you, too.
(A clip from Girl Meets World is shown)
Maya Hart (Played by Sabrina Carpenter): I'm not crying, you are.
Sean: (Narrating) After that little flashback, we cut to Rocky and his family moving back to their old working-class neighborhood in Philadelphia and we get a Hip-Hop rendition of the song "Take Me Back". Oh, and they're living with Paulie. Yeah, live with the one guy who signed a power of attorney. You know, you could've lived somewhere else.
"So yeah, Stallone wanted to go back to basics. That means no more robots or over-the-top villains, this movie is going back to it's roots, bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) While they're adjusting to their new lives as a broke family, George Washington Duke calls Adrian to give her husband the chance of a lifetime to make it back to the top, but she kindly replies with this answer.
Adrian: Listen, Mr. Duke, we're living like human beings. You ought to try it sometime. You leave my husband alone.
(Adrian hangs up on Duke)
George Washington Duke: Women.
"Is it wrong that I say that Richard Gant as George Washington Duke is the best character of the whole movie?" Sean asked. "I just love this character."
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky is walking his son to school and with his son being raised in a life of luxury, he gives him some pointers to survive on the streets of Philly.
Rocky: You know, you're real smart in school, but you gotta be smart on the street too, see?
Rocky Jr.: How do you mean?
Rocky: Well, you gotta know who the players are and, like, who you're talking to around here. Watch out for scammers. Everybody's gonna try to scam.
Rocky Jr.: What's a scam?
Paulie: Ask your father.
Rocky: Well, a scam is like a hustle.
Paulie: He don't get it.
"Yeah, I'm sure that this kid'll be fine." Sean said.
Rocky: So, anyway, like a hustle's related to a con, you know?
Paulie: He don't get it.
Rocky Jr.: A deception.
Rocky: Excuse me?
Rocky Jr.: You're saying beware of deceptions.
Sean: (V/O as Rocky) Well, I don't know what a deception is. All I know is you better watch out for scammers.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky drops his son off at school. Hopefully, nobody beats the crap out of him. Then, him and Paulie head down to Mickey's gym that Rocky reopened, until a hungry young boxer by the name of Tommy Gunn, played by real life boxer Tommy Morrison, approaches him.
Tommy Gunn (Played by Tommy Morrison): I have an amateur's record of 45-to-one. And I turned pro at 18, and I had 8 fights.
Rocky: You're a fighter?
Tommy Gunn: Yeah, I'm a fighter. And now that I'm 20, I'd just like to show you what I got.
"Now, let's take a break here and talk about Tommy Morrison, he's one of the greatest boxers of all time." Sean said.
(A montage of clips and photos featuring Tommy Morrison are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You cannot talk about Rocky V without mentioning Tommy Morrison. It's interesting that they casted a professional boxer to play a character in the movie. And given Morrison's record, he won like 48 boxing matches, one of which was a match with George Foreman. He lost only 3 matches. He was a hell of a boxer. Then, you have his personal life when he was married to two women at the same time and they were both named "Dawn", Also, he tested positive for HIV. Sadly, Morrison lost his life to AIDS on September 1st, 2013 at the age of 44.
"One of the few great things about this sequel.", Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he introduces himself to Rocky, the best damn character of the whole movie shows up to try to get him back into the ring. Rocky tells Duke that he's officially retired, but he's not going to take no for an answer.
George Washington Duke: Hey, hold it, hold it! Hold the bullshit. I know what the problem is. You think I was born yesterday? Merlin, show him the paper.
Rocky: What paper?
(Duke's right-hand man, Merlin Sheets, pulls out Rocky's medical report)
George Washington Duke: Now, this is your medical report. It's not so good, but we can work around it.
Rocky: Where'd you get this?
Merlin Sheets (Played by Mike Sheehan): It really doesn't matter, does it, Rock? You agree to fight Cane, and George here can guarantee you get licensed in any country around the world.
George Washington Duke: Guaranteed.
Rocky: You can do this?
George Washington Duke: No problem.
"Yeah, just make sure that Adrian doesn't find out, because she has a tendency to butt in at the wrong..." Sean said.
(Adrian, who is seen stepping out at the J Tropical Fish pet store, sees Duke talking to Rocky)
Rocky: Adrian, where'd you come from?
Adrian: (To Duke) What do you think you're going?
George Washington Duke: Mrs. Balboa just appeared. This woman is magic.
"Goddamn it, Adrian!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Adrian tells Duke that Rocky's done fighting, which pisses him off and he leaves. And on top of all that, Adrian's back to working at her old job at the pet store.
Rocky: Why'd you gotta come back here? You're too smart for this place here.
Adrian: I got nothing to do. Gloria. I called Gloria. She said, you know, she could use some part-time help.
Rocky: Yeah, but why do you wanna do this, Adrian? Why do you wanna go back to the same place you started from? I gotta do it, but you don't gotta do it!
Adrian: I wanted to be there so I could be close to you.
"Okay, I feel like the movie just doesn't care anymore. I mean, if you're gonna have your characters back to the slums, just do it like you mean it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Rocky accepts the fact that their life is shit, Rocky Jr. is dealing with typical teenage stuff at school when he is approached by a couple of kids.
Jewel (Played by Elisebeth Peters): Hey, ain't you Rocky's kid?
Chickie's Pal (Played by Hayes Swope): Yeah, you're Rocky's kid.
Chickie (Played by Kevin Connolly): You're Rocky's kid, right?
Rocky Jr.: Yeah, how you doing?
Chickie: Yeah, I seen your picture in the paper. And you know what? Your old man's a punk.
Rocky Jr.: What?
(Chickie's pal grabs Rocky Jr.)
"And immediately, they give him the proper Philadelphia treatment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The school bully Chickie, played by a young Kevin Connolly, tries to take Rocky Jr.'s fancy coat, but Rocky Jr. won't budge.
Chickie: Give me my coat! I'm not kidding around anymore!
Jewel: (To Rocky Jr.) You better let him have it.
Rocky Jr.: No way!
(Chickie punches Rocky Jr. in the stomach, then gives him a right hook to the face. Chickie and his pal take Rocky Jr.'s coat while Jewel just stand there and watches)
"DO SOMETHING!" Sean yelled.
Chickie's Pal: Don't get sick now!
Chickie: Hope you don't catch a cold, rich boy!
(Jewel watches as Chickie and his pal run off with Rocky Jr.'s coat. Annoyed at what they did, she walks off)
"You stupid bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Instead of standing there and not doing anything, you could've just stopped Eric Murphy and Discount John Connor from beating the crap out of Rocky's kid and stealing his jacket. But enough about Rocky Jr., as we check back in on Rocky and Paulie as we see them running Mickey's gym, and Tommy shows up to show Rocky what he's got in the ring when he's sparring with someone. Then, he takes things a bit too far.
(Tommy starts pummeling Benson with a couple of jabs and right hooks)
Rocky: Whoa! All right, that's enough.
(Tommy swings at Benson, but Benson dodges it)
Benson (Played by Albert J. Myles): Hey, man! Take it easy, man!
Rocky: Hey, come on, you guys, lighten up. It's called sparring. Now, go on easy.
(Tommy gives Benson a left hook)
Rocky: Whoa! Hey, hey! Okay, okay.
(Tommy gets really aggressive with Benson)
Rocky: Hey, lighten up! That's it. Tie him up.
(Benson does the clinch on Tommy)
Rocky: That's it.
Paulie: You smell that, Rocko?
Rocky: What's that?
Paulie: That's the odor of opportunity.
(Tommy continues to give Benson a few more aggressive punches)
Rocky: What'd I tell you? Hey, hey! Time! Hey, that's it! Time!
(Tommy lands a few more hits on Benson and backs off)
Rocky: Hey, that's enough! What's the matter with you? Tommy, are you crazy or something?
"Well, that's what happens when you put a real-life professional boxer in your movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky's not impressed with Tommy's moves in the ring, but Paulie sees it as an opportunityto make money. But Tommy wants him to be his manager, but Rocky's not the managed type, so he sends Tommy Gunn off. Then, we check back with Rocky Jr. as he walks home from his first day of school and after getting beat up by some bullies and getting his coat stolen, he is befriended by Jewel, played by Elisebeth Peters.
Rocky Jr.: Where's your boyfriend?
Jewel: (Scoffs) Him. Forget it. He ain't got no manners. I'm Jewel, if you wanna know.
Rocky Jr.: I'm Robert.
(Jewel shakes Rocky Jr.'s hand)
Jewel: Hi.
"And we know that Rocky Jr.'s name is Robert Jr., because Rocky's name is actually Robert. Man, can you imagine seeing it with a Roman numeral?" Sean asked.
(The Rocky theme plays while the poster for Rocky V is shown. Instead of "Rocky V" it says "Robert V")
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Robert V!
Jewel: Hmm. You know, for an Italian kid, you ain't got a bad butt.
"I'm guessin' she's into guys that just got their ass beat by bullies. Taylor's into guys that keep getting shot at. Which reminds me." Sean said as he immediately ducks down for cover while somebody shoots at him with a machine gun.
"I heard gunfire! What's going on down there?" Taylor asked from upstairs.
Sean: (Narrating) After a long night of training young and hungry boxers, Rocky and Paulie head home, but they bump into Tommy once more because he wants to try again and wants Rocky to give him a chance because he followed Rocky's career when he was young and he's hungry just like him.
Tommy Gunn: Look, Rock, you don't know me, but anything you want me to do, I'll do.
"Uhhh... what?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Tommy Gunn: And if I can't, I'll bust my butt trying.
"Uh, are you getting some gay overtones here, movie? Because if you are, then prepare for me to play a clip from Animaniacs." Sean said.
Rocky: Are you hungry?
Tommy Gunn: Yeah.
Rocky: Yeah? Come on. You're really gonna like the way Adrian cooks, you know. She does, like, amazing things with macaroni, especially tomatoes. But I gotta warn you. She can be a little vicious with the garlic.
"Oh, you're talking about dinner. I got my eye on you, movie." Sean said.
"Wow, dude really wants to work with Rocky." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky invites Tommy over for dinner, where he sees how the usual Balboa Family dinner is like as Rocky learns that his son got smacked around at school and that he took his coat, but Adrian refuses to let Rocky teach him how to defend himself. But enough about him, we get to hear Tommy's tragic family backstory between him and his father as we learn that his father was a drunk and he beats him and his mother.
Tommy Gunn: You know, when I was 13, I got in trouble at school. He tied me down and he whipped me so bad I couldn't walk for a week. Just couldn't do anything. (Clears throat) But, I tell you, the first guy I ever knocked out was my father. And now when I get in the ring, it's like all I see is him. That's kind of sick, huh?
Rocky: Hey, yo, Tommy. At least you had an old man to knock out, you know.
"Come on, Rocky. You never wanted to knock out Mickey that one time he slapped you in the face?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We also learn that Tommy has no place to stay, so Rocky offers to give Tommy a place to stay by letting him sleep in the basement, where his son is sleeping at.
Rocky Jr.: What about me?
Sean: (V/O as Rocky Jr.) Yeah, I'm your own flesh and blood. And he's not.
Rocky: No, well, he can stay with his uncle, right?
Paulie: What the hell am I? A pit stop?
Rocky: No...
Sean: (V/O as Rocky Jr.) No way I am sleeping with Uncle Paulie. He smells like Jack Daniels.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky takes Tommy down to the basement, where he sees that his son made a shrine to him after unpacking some of his memorabilia. But forget about his own flesh and blood, he's gotta start managing Tommy.
Rocky Jr.: Hey, Dad, I met this really nice girl today. She's great.
Rocky: Oh, yeah? Really? That's wonderful.
Rocky Jr.: Yeah, she's a lot better than Sarah.
Rocky: (Stammering) Hey, don't change the station. I'll be right back with you. I just wanna tell Tommy a few things, you know? (To Tommy) Hey. Who was your best friend back in Orlando?
Tommy Gunn: That's... That's Oklahoma.
Rocky: Right, well, yeah.
(We cut to Rocky Jr., who looks sad as he heads upstairs while the instrumental version of "Christmastime Is Here" starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Rocky Jr. is on his way to school, until he has another run-in with the Funky Bunch rejects who want his money.
Chickie: Come on. Give me the money.
Chickie's Pal: Come on!
Rocky Jr.: Hey, I gotta eat.
Chickie: He's hungry. He's gotta eat. Well, eat this!
(Chickie slugs Rocky Jr. in the face and takes his money)
(A clip from Friday is shown)
Smokey (Played by Chris Tucker): You got knocked the fuck out, man! Give me my goddamn money!
"Yeah, expect a bunch of Friday references being made right when somebody gets knocked the fuck out in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rocky starts to train Tommy and Tommy gets his first fight, where he's getting beaten up. So, Rocky gives him a few tips and tricks on how to to win his first fight on how to control fear
Rocky: Now fear is like this fire, okay? Now, let it burn and burn until it becomes like this volcano, and when the time is right, and you see the opening, explode all over this guy, okay?
Sean immediately spits out his lemonade from hearing what Rocky said to Tommy.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, we get a little montage of Rocky training Tommy and we see him rising to become the top contender, while Rocky Jr. is busy training to defend himself.
(The song "Go For It! (Heart and Fire)" by Joey B. Ellis and Tynetta Hare plays during the montage)
"Oh, yeah. They have this early 90s rap song playing throughout this montage. Can we switch it to something else, please?" Sean asked.
(The montage plays, this time, the Pokémon theme sung by Jason Paige plays)
"There, much better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Tommy is rising to become the top contender, Duke has his eyes on Tommy, waiting for the chance to turn him to the Dark Side. After that little montage, Rocky Jr. and Jewel are walking to school, until Chickie and Discount John Connor, show up to collect their milk money from Rocky Jr., but the young lad has had enough of Chickie and he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore!
Rocky Jr.: Go for it!
Chickie: What'd he say? The punk's losing his mind. What'd you say?
Rocky Jr.: Go for it!
(The word "Fight" shows up on the screen a la Mortal Kombat 3 while the track "The Street" from the game plays in the background)
MK Announcer: Fight!
(Chickie takes a swing at Rocky Jr. but misses as Rocky Jr. ducks immediately and pushes Chickie. Rocky Jr. gives Chickie a left hook to the face, followed by a right hook. The other students watch on and cheer as Rocky Jr. continues to deliver a couple of punches at Chickie. Chickie gets punched in the face once more, which makes him stunned while the words "Finish Him" appear on the screen)
MK Announcer: Finish him!
(Rocky Jr. finishes Chickie off with a right hook to the face, which knocks him down to the ground)
(A clip from Next Friday plays)
Willie Jones (Played by John Witherspoon): Hey, young man. You got knocked the fuck out!
Rocky Jr.: Come on! Put up your hands! Come on!
Chickie's Pal: No way! I didn't like him anyway!
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky Jr. gets his coat back and he makes peace with Chickie. Now, that's honorable. He's learned from his old man. Then , he tries to share the good news with his father.
Rocky Jr.: Dad! Look, I got my coat!
Rocky: That's great, kid. That's beautiful.
Rocky Jr.: I trashed this guy. Everybody in the school went crazy. Everybody!
Tommy Gunn: Hey, Rock, man, I'm cooling down over here.
Rocky: Hey, listen, I gotta get back with Tommy 'cause we gotta work out. He's cooling down and everything, but... Listen, go tell your mom. She'd like to hear things like that. That's beautiful, you know. (Goes back to training Tommy while the camera cuts back to his son) Okay, let's go, Tommy. Looking good! Come on, lay it on me.
(A small shoulder devil appears next to Rocky Jr.)
Sean: (V/O as Devil) Do not worry, Little Rocky. Their love will be their downfall. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) We get another goddamn montage Rocky and Tommy heading straight to the top and we get another early '90s rap song. Dude, I love early 90s rap, but in a Rocky movie. Have you no shame?! I would rather go for "Gonna Fly Now" but they're gonna end up updating it with a rap version of it.
"You know what? Screw it. I'm gonna play the appropriate song for the scene." Sean said.
(The theme song "Pokémon World" from the second season of Pokémon plays during the montage)
"There, that's much better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just as Tommy gets more successful, Duke has his eyes on the young boxer and tries to seduce him into the Dark Side where he will get a lavish penthouse, money and tits. After that montage ends, we cut to Christmas time, where we finally get to the real plot of the movie, as we see that Rocky and his son are at odds with each other. Also, we see that Chickie is now part of his entourage. God, that was so bad.
"Also, they're watching this movie during Christmas." Sean said.
(We see Rocky Jr. and his friends are watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on TV. They're watching the part where Clark is kicking the Christmas yard decorations)
"That's a better movie that I should be watching right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, is it just me or is Rocky getting a little too excited for Christmas?
Rocky: Yo, Adrian, I can't believe who just come up on the roof. You know, he, you know, he just landed there and crashed. And who do you think it is?
Adrian: Do I hear reindeer on my roof?
Rocky: You know... Rantlers.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked, with a confused look on his face.
Rocky: You know... Rantlers.
"What the hell's a "rantler"? Don't you mean "antlers", Rocko?" Sean asked.
Rocky: Look who's here! You know this guy.
Jewel: You got a weird family.
Rocky Jr.: Don't I know.
Rocky: It's gonna be next Christmas before he gets down. Hey, let's put it together for Santa! Hey!
(Uncle Paulie heads downstairs dressed as Santa Claus)
Paulie: Merry X-mas. Yo, yo, yo.
Rocky: Hey, I don't think you got it right, Santa. No, no, no. It's, "Ho, ho, ho."
Paulie: What's the freakin' difference? Where I come from, it's, "Yo, yo, yo."
"Oh, my God. As much as I've been giving Paulie shit in this movie, just seeing him in that Santa outfit never fails to crack me up." Sean said, smiling a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky Jr. is not in the mood for Christmas and that he would rather spend time with his friends and he starts butting heads with his father.
Rocky Jr.: Look, I ain't celebrating nothing, okay?
Rocky: Hey, wait a minute. Hey, yo, come here. What's the matter with you? You know? We always done this before. We always had a good time, Adrian, you know? We don't have to change nothing, never. I mean, do you remember last year when we had fun, when we had a good time?
"Dude, you were in Russia last year and your son was nine years old. Have you forgotten about that?" Sean asked.
Rocky: Hey, what are you saying to me, kid? You're like another person.
Rocky Jr.: You're the other person!
"He's a robot! GET HIM!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) And remember when Rocky told his son to watch out for scams and deceptions? Well, those words are about to come back to bite Rocky on the ass when Duke shows up bearing gifts and with Tommy, who shares some news with Rocky that he's going to give him a title shot. But Rocky warns Tommy that his deal with Duke will end badly, but Tommy is not in the mood to listen to him because he thinks Rocky is dumb.
Tommy Gunn: Look, Rocky, you took me as far as you could. But Duke gave me my title shot, you didn't. And if you wanna keep training me, then do it. But if you don't, don't! But it's my way or it's the highway!
Sean: (V/O as Tommy) Looks like it's the highway! Hope you have a sucky movie career, bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky starts to have nightmarish flashbacks to his fight with Drago and Adrian tries to comfort him, but then he starts to vent his frustrations.
Rocky: Adrian, I don't want this no more. I want something good for the family. I don't want this. I don't want this! I mean, did I come back here and get my brains beat out for these guys to say, "Hey, there goes Balboa"? I'm just another bum in the neighborhood! (Throws his leather jacket down on the ground) I didn't want this!
"Isn't that what Stallone said after he made Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Adrian then explains that Tommy can't be what Rocky was because he doesn't have his heart and the one who does is the one that he abandoned for.
Adrian: If there's something you want to pass on, pass it on to your son. For God's sakes, your son is lost. He needs you! I know Tommy makes you feel great. He makes you feel like you're winning again. But you're losing us! Rocky, you're losing your family!
"Yeah, but isn't that nepotism? Your brother should know about that." Sean said, referring to Francis Ford Coppola.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, there's not much time left in the movie as Rocky just shows up to talk to his son, that way we can see these two get back together.
Rocky: You know, kid, you remember you were telling me a long time ago about deceptions, and I was talking to you about scams and... I should have listened to you. I was trying to teach you.
"No, your son was trying to show off his impressive vocabulary." Sean said.
Rocky: Hey, kid. I know I made a few mistakes, you know? It's... But I would love to hang out with you again. Just you and me. I swear to God, it's just gonna be you and me this time.
Rocky Jr.: Home team?
Rocky: Yeah, home team.
(Rocky Jr. smiles at his dad and they both start walking home)
Rocky: Hey, kid, you wanna hear a joke?
Sean: (V/O as Rocky Jr.) Don't ruin this moment, Dad.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the big fight between Tommy Gunn and Union Cane, which is playing on television as Rocky and his family watches. Long story short: Tommy whoops Union Cane and he is given the title of being heavyweight champion. But the people don't care about Tommy because he left Rocky and the reporters start hounding him.
Reporter: We know the rating system can be manipulated. The bottom line is Tommy Gunn beat a second-rate fighter with so much glass in his jaw, he ought to be a chandelier.
George Washington Duke: Say what you want, but this man will prove to be a great champion...
Reporter #2: He might win a few fights, but a Rocky Balboa he'll never be.
"Hey, Tommy Gunn will never be Rocky Balboa. Hell, Tommy Gunn will never be like porn actor Tommy Gunn." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Tommy channels his inner Mike Tyson, Duke takes him out of the conference hall. Plus, this was all part of Duke's evil scheme. He wanted Rocky in the ring to get the big bucks and he's plotted all this time to turn Tommy against Rocky.
George Washington Duke: Teacher against student. Old lion against young lion. And it's the only way you're ever gonna get peace of mind, 'cause believe me when I tell you that press is gonna hound you with that man's legend for as long as you dare to wear boxing gloves. You've got to get him into that ring, Tommy Gunn, or you're gonna be hearing questions like you heard tonight for the rest of your life. Then you're gonna start to ask yourself, "Could I really take him? Am I really good enough? Do people really think I'm a cheap carbon copy or a second-rate pretender who only got a shot because of my skin tone?"
"What does race got to do with that?!" Sean asked.
George Washington Duke: You've got to challenge that man to fight, Tommy Gunn. And if he refuses, then you gotta insult him! You gotta dog him. You gotta humiliate him. You gotta do whatever you got to do to get him into that ring, but that's what you got to do.
(Cut to Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi)
Emperor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.
Sean: (Narrating) While Rocky is hanging out with Paulie at the local bar, Duke and Tommy show up so he can get Tommy to fight Rocky, but Rocky says no because he's not in the mood, but Tommy's not gonna leave until he gets some respect around here.
Rocky: You know, we were supposed to be like brothers, you know? You don't remember that? You don't know this, but you got a deception going here. This guy here. He was using you for the bait. He wants to get you and me in the ring. That's what he wants, us to fight each other, you know? To make the money, right? He don't care about you, Tommy. He don't care about me neither, right?
George Washington Duke: Come on, come on. Enough of the fantasy. Let's talk reality. Rocky Balboa, are you prepared to accept Tommy Gunn's challenge?
"Jesus! That dude's instigating fights way before J.D. Vance!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Paulie calls Tommy a piece of garbage and defends Rocky by telling it like it is, then he gets punched out by Tommy. Rocky sees this and he has enough of Tommy. Because nobody punches out the best character of the franchise. Nobody.
Rocky: Now you knocked him down. Why don't you try knocking me down now?
George Washington Duke: No, no, in the ring, in the ring. Tommy Gunn only fights in the ring. Come on, let's get out of here.
Rocky: My ring's outside.
Tommy Gunn: Yeah? Let's do it. Come on!
"Oh, yeah. We've come to the best damn part of the movie. Rocky challenging Tommy to a street fight. And man, is it the highlight of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's teacher vs. student, Jedi Master vs. Padawan, Coke vs. Pepsi. Old school vs. new school. Let the fight begin.
(Rocky gives Tommy a right hook to the face, followed by a left hook, then a couple of jabs to the gut and finishing him off with a left and right hook, knocking him to the ground)
Rocky: I loved you, man. Do you know that? You and me were supposed to be like this, Tommy. You blew it! You…
(Rocky walks away from Tommy)
Sean stays quiet for a bit as he looks on in shock. Then, after a few good minutes, he started to talk.
"What the hell kind of fight was that?! That was a short fight. God, this movie sucks! You know what, let's just finish this review. And that was Rocky V, and it…" Sean said.
(Tommy hits Rocky in the back and punches him in the face)
"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed as his eyes widened in surprise.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the fight is still going on and Tommy pounding Rocky's head in, which knocks him down and he gets some nightmarish visions of that Drago fight. Just when you think he's down, a little angel motivates him to get back on his feet.
Mickey: You're the champ! Now get up! One more round./Get up! Don't lay down! Fight this guy hard!/He's no machine. I didn't hear no bell! Get up, you son of a bitch, 'cause Mickey loves ya.
(The theme music plays as Rocky gets back up right before Tommy leaves with Duke)
Rocky: Yo, Tommy! I didn't hear no bell. Tommy. One more round.
George Washington Duke: Tommy, come on. Get back. Get back, boy!
Merlin Sheets: Tommy, you don't need this.
George Washington Duke: Tommy, you lose, you're finished!
Tommy Gunn: I got one more round. Come on! I'm not gonna knock you out this time. I'm gonna put you through the street.
Rocky: One more round.
"Ooh, this is gonna be good. But wait, as much as I love Bill Conti's music score for the scene with a combination of urban street music mixed with an orchestra, we're gonna have to use this theme music for this scene. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Guile's Theme Goes with Everything: Rocky V Edition." Sean said.
(The scene plays, this time Guile's Theme from Street Fighter II replaces Bill Conti's music score as we see Rocky fighting Tommy Gunn)
Rocky Jr.: Come on, knock the bum out! He took my room!
(Rocky gives Tommy a right hook to the face, followed by a jab. Tommy takes a swing at Rocky, Rocky dodges it)
Rocky Jr.: Jab, jab, come on!
(Rocky gives Tommy a few good jabs to the face)
George Washington Duke: Fight back, you bum! Fight back!
(Tommy punches Rocky in the face in slow motion)
Rocky Jr.: NOOOOO!
(Tommy gives Rocky another punch to the face)
Adrian: Stop!
(Tommy delivers another punch to Rocky)
Adrian: Rocky!
Rocky Jr.: Come on, Dad! Go for it!
(Rocky punches Tommy in the stomach and delivers a beatdown while the crowd cheers)
Rocky Jr.: Go for it!
(Rocky defeats Tommy by delivering the final blow)
(A clip from Friday After Next is shown)
Craig and Day-Day (Played by Ice Cube and Mike Epps): YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!
Craig: BITCH!
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky beats the crap out of Tommy, his family and the people of Philly cheer him on and then we get the most satisfying scene of the whole movie where George Washington Duke gets his comeuppance.
George Washington Duke: Touch me and I'll sue. Come on, punk. Touch me and I'll sue.
Sean: (V/O as Rocky) Well, now that you said that. I should probably not punch you… FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
(Rocky punches Duke in the gut, knocking him onto the hood of a car)
Rocky: Sue me for what?
Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome scene, the movie ends with Rocky and his son climb up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art as he relieves some good memories. He even gives his son Rocky Marciano's cufflink. And the film ends with a shot of the statue of Rocky looking out over Philadelphia before jumping to the end credits featuring still shots of the Rocky movie while the song The Measure of a Man by Elton John plays and I love the end credit sequence and Elton John's song.
"And that was Rocky V, it's not that bad. It's an alright movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I know it's not a good sequel. I mean, they tried. I enjoyed it despite it's flaws. It's a flawed movie and I can see why people didn't care for it. Just like The Fly II, it's a pretty underrated sequel, I mean, it wasn't a good way to end the sequel. Hell, originally they wanted Rocky to die at the end. But hey, luckily we got a proper ending to the Rocky franchise with Rocky Balboa and that movie was pretty good. My biggest highlight of the movie would have to be the street fight between Rocky and Tommy. I can see why a lot of people have a huge problem with that, I just think that this was the best part of the movie. Rocky V is not my favorite Rocky movie, it's still an ok sequel. Rocky V comes in at 2 boxing glove cufflinks out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves his man cave.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You know... Rantlers.
And another review for Sequelitis Month: The Revenge has been completed. So, what did you think of Rocky V? Which Rocky movie is your favorite? Anything you didn't like about Rocky V? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sequelitis Month: The Revenge continues and another Top 11 countdown is up next. You've got the top 11 best sequels, now it's time to look at the Top 11 Worst Sequels. Yeah, Sean is going to take a look at the best of the worst. What's some of the worst sequels that you would like to see make it to the Top 11 countdown? Which ones will make the list? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this chapter, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates, and I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.