14

Of course sometimes Dean would actually spend the night at Lindsey's, then Sam would come straight home.

After their reunion, except at the very first days where Sam had felt pure joy, the rest that followed continued to give Sam the impression that for him his brother's return was a mixed blessing. His joy was real, but so was his fear, the two strong emotions were constantly colliding inside him that he almost felt he was torn apart, he didn't know anymore whether he had recovered Dean or he was just losing him in another way.

Dean didn't talk to him about hunting, but that was Dean's whole life, it would be no different than shutting Dean out completely if they didn't talk about it. It was the same the other way around, Dean knew nothing about the lives of wealthy elites and almost none of Sam's friends and colleagues, he was really in no position to meet them even if he wanted to. Gradually there was less and less they could talk about, and in the end things had come to a point that Dean could only show his concern for Sam by saying: "Hey, how's that engagement party coming up?"

Sam stared blankly at that question, he had left Amelia to take care of it alone a long time ago. He thought Amelia would be mad at him for going out at night, but she was just caring and trusting and never complained even once on the matter of Dean, she even bought cinnamon apple pies every other day to put it in the fridge just because Dean had said that was delicious.

Sometimes Sam reflected on himself: things were getting out of control.

It was him who gave up hunting in the first place, it was him who wanted a normal life, so Dean let go; now it was also him who was worried— and unwilling to accept the fact that Dean had drawn a clear line between him and their family business that he had quitted his job without having second thoughts and turned to covet the chance of hunting again.

Why was he always thinking about opposite things? Sam asked himself: what is it that your heart truly desires?

Dean. That was the first word that sprung to his mind.

Sam then asked himself: Dean, what is it that Dean wants?

He wants to hunt, to save the world, he has been doing it since the beginning.

No, that's dad's wish, that's what dad forced into Dean but not Dean's own wishes. So what does Dean really want?

Sam was bewildered for the moment, looking around, the stretching road that seemed to go on to eternity was just all the more overwhelming. Where was he going? He thought for a moment, oh, this is the way back to his apartment. But Dean wouldn't be there tonight, and all of a sudden he didn't want to come back, he turned the car around and headed for the cemetery.

It was no longer the place for mourning.

The dead had returned, but that void left in Sam's heart was more obvious than ever. There was a time when he thought there wasn't anything more for him to lose for he had already lost Dean, yet now it had hit him that the reason he convinced himself Dean was dead was that he knew unconsciously at the bottom of his heart that despite being dead, that Dean belonged completely to him. He was never absent from Sam's life, he was always there by his side. And now Dean came back, but he just walked up to Sam and passed him by after a brief greeting with a smile.

They would only drift apart, further and further.

Dean had climbed out of this grave, he had left an empty grave for Sam while he himself was nowhere to be found.

Sam covered his face with his hands and for the first time here, he broke down crying.

In the past he was afraid that if Dean saw him crying he would be upset, but now he wasn't: his brother was no longer here.

After a timeless time, he received new messaged on his phone.

Amelia: "Sam, Dean's injured, he asks me not to tell you but it's serious."

Amelia: "I'll help him clean up his wounds first, but you should take him to the hospital."

Dean: "I'm fine."

Amelia: "He caught me texting you."

Sam raced home, his hands were quivering as he opened the door and saw Amelia putting the first-aid kit back to its place. She asked: "Why are there suddenly more meds in here?"

Sam suddenly realized that this was probably the first time Amelia had discovered Dean's wounds, he was a little bit relieved: perhaps Dean wasn't badly injured after all, it was just frighteningly serious from Amelia's point of view.

Dean was waiting for him in the guestroom, he gave him a bitter smile: "Amelia don't know who I am. I'm fine really."

Sam closed the door and checked Dean's injuries carefully, they sure weren't minor wounds, just, "we've been through worse."

"Don't worry, Sammy."

"Stop telling me this, Dean." Sam had made up his mind and asked: "What the hell was the case you're on?"

Before Dean had got the chance to deny it Sam continued: "I saw that vampire, B, is that him? What, now you've decided that a vampire is more trustworthy than your own brother?"

"You've been following me?" Dean shot him a glance before he said: "His name is Benny, and he's my friend. He's the one that helped me got out of purgatory, and since then we've been helping each other out every once in a while. He sure is trustworthy. I'm not making comparisons between the two of you but, I can trust him with my own life."

Sam felt his heart broke at that sentence, his voice became unsteady: "You can't trust me with your life? Because now I'm a goddamn lawyer?"

Dean smiled gently, he raised his hand to touch Sam's face: "It's a burden, Sam, trusting someone with your life is a heavy burden, it's not some award you need to fight to earn yourself. I don't want you to carry any burden for me, I want you to always be a child, you can have anything you want, like now for example. I like to see that you stay out of this crap, I want you to feel safe."

Sam looked at him, his tear ducts still open, it's easy to cry again when you've already cried once.

Dean looked at his wet face, there were a thousand words in his heart that he didn't dare and didn't want to tell Sam. Sammy was at the core of all his selfishness, he would never tell him that.

To want him to be happy, to find his own happiness, to want Sammy feel satisfied and he didn't care at all if himself was the reason or not. He would give all he could give, if Sammy wants something from somebody else he would go and take it. No matter how jealous, he would do that.

He gazed at his little brother long and hard.

You're the most important. You're the only one that matters. You're always more important than me.

Dean shoved Sam, this little guy was crying non-stop by his bedside. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Three hours earlier he had just laid down at Lindsey's when he saw a doll downstairs. Grabbing his pants he ran outside and got into a heated fight with them all alone that by the time Benny rushed to the scene he was in too much pain to continue. He was not a vampire and therefor didn't have that fast of a recovery speed, so he had to leave Benny to cope for the moment while he himself head home instead. He was a bit surprised when he saw that Sam wasn't at home, but at the same time he was seriously worried about Benny and it just didn't feel right to leave him there and let himself off the hook, after all the dolls' targets were the Winchesters. Dean was going to rest for a bit then go back to help Benny, but Sam just came out of nowhere like that and was crying out of breath.

The phone rang, it was Benny, Dean didn't pick it up, his phone was thrown forcefully under the bed by Sam.

"Sam!" Dean told a lie, "It's just Lindsey calling, you know tonight's my date night."

He wanted to get out of bed to pick up his phone,t Sam pushed him back into it: "Don't go out."

Dean said: "I really, really need to have sex tonight."

Sam was stunned: "You have wounds all over you."

"I always have wounds all over me. It's my life."

Sam looked him in the eyes and shook his head: "No, you're not leaving this room. I'm not letting you go out and get yourself hurt again."

Dean lifted his quilt, he had squeezed his dick and now it was half hard. He thought this would be enough to convince Sam to give in.

"As I said, my need."

"Dean." Sam was almost pleading, he called his name with a sigh, "I've lost you so many times, I can't take another one. I just can't take it."

Dean furrowed his brows, and before he realized was his brother was doing, it happened.

Sam reached out and and took Dean's dick in his hands through the stiff denim, it gave a hard throb at that exact moment, Dean froze and didn't know at all how to react. Sam unbuckled his brother's belt and removed Dean's pants to his knees.

"...What are you doing?"

"I'll do anything for you, anything, Dean." Sam's hand started to move slowly, which sent an electric thrill through Dean's body. Sam said in a low voice: "Just, don't leave this room, please... Don't leave me, I'm begging you."

"You're mad!"

Sam carried on as if he had not heard Dean: "What do you want? What the hell do you really want? Dean, tell me, don't keep me guessing. Don't hide from me."

They both felt hurt and desperate at the same time, not knowing how to give each other a better life, not knowing how to love each other properly.

Sam had said his words, he lowered his head and came closer inch by inch. Finally, his lips touched the head of Dean's cock, he opened his mouth wrapped his lips around it.

And that's the end of chapter 4 in the original work.

Also guys, in this section and the next there's gonna be handjobs and blowjobs, which means I have to apologize in advance. Almost all of my reading experience involving explicit English language comes from a few articles by the great leonidaslion, so I'm not sure if I'm able to make y'all happy with my translation. Also before I translate this section I was reading an angst story with a sad ending, so this whole section and the next might read a bit weird cuz I'm not exactly in a fun mood for translating scenes where they got intimate, I'm so sorry.

There's another thing, as you know I tagged "I'm bad at tagging", so I'm not really sure if I should tag this fanfic "slowburn", it just dawned on me today that expect for section 14 and 15, the next time they have sex will be near the end of the fanfic, but the whole article wasn't that long in my opinion so I'm not quite sure... So I'm giving out a warning here and maybe won't tag it. :)