Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"Jim's Wet Nightmare"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Casa Carbone, day...
Jim was in the garage working on a 1957 Chevy Bel Air while tripod mounted cameras recorded the process.
Why am I fixing the same kind of car lately? I mean, the viewers like it, but I'm getting sick of working on '57 Chevys.
It was at this point that Jim's neighbor, Brittany Thompson, entered.
"Um, Jim."
Jim sighed as he put down his tools and acknowledged Kevin's wife.
"What's going on, Brittany," said Jim, slightly annoyed by the interruption.
"Well," said Brittany, "I just had a jacuzzi installed in our back yard and I want it working tomorrow when Kevie gets back from visiting his cousin in Massachusetts."
"Brittany," said Jim, "What's this have to do with me?"
"The heater doesn't work," said Brittany, "Can you come over and take a look at it?"
Jim pointed to the cameras.
"Brittany, I'm in the middle of making a video."
"I know," said Brittany, "and I'm sorry to interrupt your job, but I really need help. It's mine and Kevie's twenty-third wedding anniversary and I need it to be perfect! The jacuzzi's an anniversary present."
"Let me get this straight," said Jim, "You're getting a hot tub for your anniversary!? Why?"
"This anniversary's special," Brittany explained, "It's the first one since I stopped cheating on Kevie."
Jim sighed as he proceeded to shut off the cameras.
"Fine, I'll take a look."
Thompson house, an hour later...
Jim has just finished working on the new hot tub. Brittany, wearing a bathrobe, was standing nearby.
"Well," said Jim, "the problem is that the guys who installed this thing forgot to hook up the heating pump. It should be working now."
"Thanks, Jim," said Brittany.
"Anyway," said Jim, "Let's test it."
He then turned on the hot tub. Once it got going, he stuck his hand in the water.
"Yep," said Jim with a proud smile, "Works perfectly."
Brittany then untied her bathrobe, revealing that she was wearing a very skimpy blue string bikini underneath. Jim couldn't help staring at her almost naked body.
Damn, she does not look like a forty-two-year-old who had five kids!
Entranced, Jim watched as Brittany entered the hot tub. He caught sight of her bikini bottom, and his jaw dropped. Brittany was wearing a thong bikini. Jim immediately averted his eyes.
Get your brain out of the gutter, Jim! You're married, she's married to one of your closest friends and she's not really your type anyway!
Brittany sat in the tub and let out a sensual sigh.
"God, that feels so good!"
Brittany then looked at Jim.
"Wanna join me for a soak?"
Jim was now nervous.
"Um...I gotta go!"
He left without another word.
Casa Carbone, that night...
It was late and everyone was asleep. Quinn and Jim both slept soundly in bed as Jim had a dream.
Jim's dream...
Jim was in the Thompson's back yard working on the new hot tub. The weird part of this dream was the fact that Jim's naked.
There, done!
Jim looked up and faced an also naked Brittany.
"Well, I really enjoyed fixing your tub."
Brittany grinned seductively at Jim.
"Thanks...sexy!"
Jim smiled.
"Wanna give it a try?"
The tub turned on by itself. Both Brittany and Jim entered.
"Jim," said Brittany, "how can I repay you?"
Jim shrugged.
"It was nothing."
Brittany stood up, giving Jim a full-frontal view of her naked body.
"Come on, Jim! You know you want me, and I want you!"
Jim was visibly tempted.
"Brittany, you know I'm ma..."
Brittany silenced Jim with a hot, passionate kiss.
Reality...
Jim suddenly woke up with a start. His eyes nervously scanned the room for a second. Finally, he calmed down.
Just a dream! Thank God!
The next morning...
The whole family was seated at the table having breakfast. Timmy looked at his watch.
"We gotta go. We're gonna be late for school."
"Okay, Dad," said Tommy in a mocking tone.
"BOYS," Quinn barked, "Don't start!"
Tommy, Timmy and Teddy then all got up and left. Once they were out of the house, Jim turned to Quinn.
"Now that the boys are on their way to school," said a smirking Jim, "I have something to tell you. Remember that I fixed the Thompson's jacuzzi yesterday?"
Quinn nodded. "Yeah."
"I had the strangest dream about that last night," said Jim, "I dreamt that I was back there fixing it again. Britt..." Jim stopped himself for fear of how his wife would react to the full details. He then decided to fudge a few things. "You were there."
"What's weird about that," asked Quinn.
"We were both naked."
Quinn stifled a naughty giggle.
Jim explained further.
"Once I fixed the hot tub, we both got in and got busy."
Quinn giggled again.
"You dreamt that we had sex in our neighbor's jacuzzi! That's so naughty!"
"I know," said Jim, "I mention it because it kinda took me back. Remember what we used to do in our jacuzzi?"
Quinn smiled fondly. "We used to go in there completely naked, drink some wine and then get busy."
"I wonder why we stopped doing that," said Jim.
"Two reasons," said Quinn, "One, we became parents and didn't want the boys to see us doing it. Two, the last time we got it on in our jacuzzi Chuck secretly filmed us and put it on the internet. That last one was so awkward I don't think I'll ever be comfortable skinny dipping in the pool or having sex in the hot tub ever again."
"I understand," said a slightly disappointed Jim as he was telling Quinn this in the hopes that it would put her in the mood for something they hadn't done in over two years now. "But I still miss all the other times we got busy outside, or any place other than our bedroom." He then got another idea. "Wanna take a shower?"
Quinn shot down that suggestion.
"Jim, we're both already showered and dressed." She then looked at her watch. "Shit, I'm late! I'm doing another collaboration video with Nicole today."
Quinn got up and kissed her husband.
"Gotta go," she said, "Later, my naughty stud."
Jim couldn't help feeling a little dejected. Lately, he and Quinn had been too busy to find time for physical intimacy and he was getting tired of using Pornhub to meet his needs.
Late that night...
Jim was sleeping soundly when suddenly the sound of a shower turning on woke him up. Jim looked over and noticed that the door to the bathroom was open and the light was on. He then looked over and saw that Quinn's side of the bed was empty. He then looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand and saw the time.
"Why's Quinn taking a shower at 1:00 am?"
Jim got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. Once in there he saw that indeed someone was taking a shower.
"Quinn?"
Suddenly, the shower stopped running and the curtain drew back. Jim gasped in shock when he saw who it was.
"Hey, Jim," said Brittany in a seductive tone.
Jim willed himself not to stare at her naked body.
"Brittany, what the hell are you doing in my shower!?"
Brittany smiled flirtatiously as she signaled Jim over with one finger.
"Come on, sexy. Don't you wanna join me? I'll let you clean everything...and I mean EVERYTHING!"
"What I want," said Jim, "Is for you to get outta my house right now!"
"Come on, babe," said Brittany in a deeply erotic tone, "You want me. I can..." She pointed at Jim and her voice grew even more sensual. "...see it."
Jim looked down and was horrified to discover that he was suddenly naked.
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
Brittany signaled him over.
"Come on, Jim! Take me now!"
Reality...
Jim woke up with a start. He once again nervously scanned the room. He calmed down upon seeing that not only was the bathroom door closed but Quinn was sleeping soundly in her side of the bed.
Two nights in a row, Jim thought, What the hell is going on with me?!
Dega Street, the next day...
Jim and Daryl were sitting in the latter's apartment. Jim was in the process of explaining the reason for the unexpected visit.
"...and I'm afraid to tell Quinn the whole truth because she might take it the wrong way and I don't wanna talk to the guys about something like this. Since you have a more...ahem...liberal view on marriage, I figured you were the next best thing."
"By liberal view," said Daryl, "You mean the fact that I was banging a married woman for fifteen years, don't you?"
Jim nodded with embarrassment.
"Relax, man," said Daryl, "I get it."
"So," said Jim, "Why am I having recurring sex dreams about someone other than Quinn?"
"Well," said Daryl, "How long have you and Quinn been together?"
"Married fourteen years," said Jim, "and we were a serious couple for about five years before that."
"Nineteen years, huh," said Daryl, "That makes sense. Jim, have you considered the possibility that after nineteen years with the same woman it's starting to get old?"
Jim raised an eyebrow.
"Are you saying I've gotten bored with Quinn?"
"Yes," said Daryl, "and it's an easy fix."
"You aren't gonna suggest I cheat on my wife, are you," asked Jim in a suspicious tone.
"No," said Daryl in a reassuring tone, "Infidelity's more my thing. I'm suggesting that you and Quinn find ways to spice things up. Do something kinky together. A little novelty goes a long way towards rekindling sexual interest."
"Makes sense," said Jim, "To be honest, though, there's something else about this that's bothering me."
"What's that," asked Daryl.
Jim sighed. "The woman I'm dreaming about is married to one of my friends."
Daryl smirked. "Nicole, huh? I can see that. I mean, she does have the sexy Asian thing going for her."
"It's not Nicole," said a slightly irritated Jim.
"Stacy," Daryl guessed, "I can see that too. I mean, Chuck has an unfortunate habit of describing his sex life in lurid detail, so it's no secret that Stacy's a total minx in the sack."
Jim groaned in frustration. "Daryl, the woman I keep dreaming about is Brittany!"
All color drained from Daryl's face at the revelation that Jim's having sex dreams about his ex.
"Brittany!"
Daryl's face contorted into a mask of primal rage as he stood up and got in Jim's face.
"YOU'RE HAVING SEX DREAMS ABOUT MY SWEET BRITTANY!? HOW FREAKING DARE YOU!"
"WHOA, TAKE IT EASY," Jim barked, "The fact that she's married to Kevin didn't stop you from banging her for fifteen years!"
"THAT'S DIFFERENT" Daryl growled, "NOW YOU WANNA BANG MY BRITTANY, YOU TRAITOR!"
Nervous, Jim said the first thing that came to mind.
"Say, that's a nice compression shirt! Where'd you get it?"
Tears started to form in Daryl's eyes as he's clearly still not over the fact that he and Brittany are done.
"You know, Brittany used to love it when I kept this shirt on during sex. You wanna take that away from me too?"
Daryl speedily took his shirt off and threw it at Jim.
"Here, take it! TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME!"
Daryl then crouched down on the floor and started crying.
"Um...," said a freaked-out Jim, "...Oh, my! Is that the time already!? Ummm...gotta go!"
Jim got up and ran out of the apartment in an uncomfortable hurry as Daryl continued to cry.
Casa Carbone, later...
Having just gotten home, Jim nervously closed the door behind him. As soon as that was done, Quinn approached.
"Hey, Jim."
Jim was startled.
"GAH!"
"Sorry," said Quinn, "Didn't mean to startle you just now. Guess what? I just got off the phone with Brittany. She said Kevin loved the new hot tub."
"Um...glad to hear it," said a nervous Jim.
"In fact," said Quinn, "Their anniversary went so well that they wanna invite us over for drinks and a soak tonight as a thank you."
Jim was horrified at this prospect.
"Um...I'm not too comfortable with that, Quinn."
Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Come on, Jim. You're not weirded out because you had a dream about us doing it in that hot tub the other night, are you?"
Sensing an out, Jim said, "Um...yeah. It's kinda awkward to be in that tub after the dream."
Quinn was dismissive.
"Come on, Jim. It was just a dream. It's not like you and I are actually gonna do it right in front of Kevin and Brittany." She stifled a shudder at the thought.
Jim sighed in defeat. He knew he couldn't protest any further without making his wife suspicious.
Thompson house, evening...
Quinn, Jim and Brittany were sitting in the hot tub. While Quinn and Brittany were perfectly relaxed Jim was visibly uncomfortable. His discomfort was made worse by the fact that both women were wearing bikinis that left VERY little to the imagination.
"Brittany," said Quinn, "This is so nice. It's even better than the jacuzzi Jim and I have."
"I know," said Brittany, "I could sit here and feel the bubbles on me for hours."
Jim nervously tried to change the subject.
"So, um...,why's Kevin taking so long to change into his swimming trunks?"
"I don't know," said Brittany.
Suddenly, they were startled by the sound of Kevin's angry voice.
"BABE, QUINN! GET OUTTA THERE NOW!"
They looked up to see a still fully clothed Kevin holding a plugged-in toaster.
"Kevin," said Jim with an eye roll, "What the hell are you doing?"
"LIKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK, TRAITOR," shouted an enraged Kevin, "I'M TRYING TO KILL YOU BY THROWING A TOASTER IN THE HOT TUB!"
"Why," asked a puzzled Brittany.
"BECAUSE JIM WANTS TO STEAL YOU AWAY FROM ME, BABE," Kevin shouted.
"Kevin," said Quinn, "What the hell makes you think my husband wants to do your wife!?"
"BECAUSE HE'S DREAMING ABOUT BANGING HER EVERY NIGHT," Kevin yelled.
"WHAT," said a stunned Quinn.
"THAT'S RIGHT," Kevin yelled as he pointed at Jim, "DARYL CALLED AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING! HE'S A REAL FRIEND, UNLIKE YOU, YOU TRAITOR! NOW, GIRLS, GET OUT SO I CAN FRY JIM!"
Kevin then angrily threw the toaster into the hot tub, but nothing happened.
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
Kevin followed the cord with his eyes and noticed that the toaster had come unplugged because the cord wasn't long enough.
"DAMMIT! Quinn, Brittany, get outta there while I get the extension cord! Jim, stay in the tub so I can fry your ass...TRAITOR!"
Jim visibly didn't know whether to feel guilt or bemusement. Quinn was visibly hurt while Brittany was just plain embarrassed.
Act II
Casa Carbone, evening...
Quinn and Jim, having just gotten back from their disastrous get together with the Thompsons, were having an argument.
"Dammit, Jim," Quinn barked, "Why didn't you tell me you were having sex dreams about Brittany!?"
"Because," said Jim, "I was afraid you'd react like this. I was afraid you'd start feeling threatened if you knew the woman I've been dreaming about was Brittany instead of you."
"What," said a defensive Quinn, "You wanna bang an airheaded blonde bimbo now!? A hot redhead isn't doing it for you anymore!?"
Jim sighed. "To be honest," he said, "that's another thing that bothers me about this. I'm having hot sex dreams about a woman I don't even like all that much. Historically, Brittany has been someone I just tolerated because she's friends with you and married to one of my friends. I'm freaked because I'm afraid of what these sex dreams might say about our marriage."
Quinn's expression was a mix of hurt and anger.
"Are you saying that you're bored with me!?"
"That's what I'm afraid of," Jim admitted, "I love you, and I'd never cheat on you, but you have to admit that our sex life has been pretty stale lately."
Quinn was about to rip into her husband, but stopped herself at the last second.
"I see your point," she said as she rapidly calmed down, "I have to admit things have been kind of dead in the bedroom lately. I just thought it's because we're so busy, but what if it's more? What if we are starting to get bored with each other in that department?"
"Exactly," said Jim, "I went to Daryl because, given his loose attitudes about these things, I figured he'd have some ideas on how to fix it. He suggested that we try kinking things up a little. Nothing crazy, just bring some novelty back into the bedroom."
Quinn went right into problem-solver mode.
"Makes sense. Any ideas?"
Jim slumped his shoulders and sighed.
"No. You?"
Quinn looked thoughtful, then sighed.
"I can't think of anything."
They both now stood there looking concerned.
Pizza Prince, the next day...
Quinn and Brittany were having lunch and talking.
"I'm sorry Kevie acted so crazy last night," said a sincere Brittany.
"That's okay," replied Quinn, "I didn't take it very well either." She sighed before going on. "Jim and I had a talk about what's going on in his head after we got home."
"And," asked Brittany.
"We both think these dreams are happening because our sex life has gotten stale," said Quinn, "I have to admit, it's been a while since Jim and I have done anything in the bedroom. I remember how it was when we first got married. Jim and I were practically ripping each others clothes off and going at it every chance we got. Then came the kids, our careers, all the other time-consuming responsibilities and now Jim and I rarely get a chance to be intimate and, when we do, it's pretty vanilla."
Brittany just sat there twirling her hair and looking vacant.
"Brittany," said Quinn, "How'd you and Kevin get the spark back?"
Brittany stifled a giggle. "Are you kidding? Doing Daryl on the side was a fifteen-year long vacation from my marriage. Now it's like Kevie and I are dating again."
Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Brittany, nothing against you, but I'm gonna stick to solutions that don't involve cheating. Infidelity's more your thing."
"Don't knock it until you try it," said Brittany in a sly tone.
"Pass," said a disappointed Quinn.
White residence, later...
Quinn and Nicole were chatting over tea in the kitchen. Quinn has just told her about what's going on.
"You asked Brittany for relationship advice," said an amused Nicole, "That's like taking fitness advice from someone who's morbidly obese."
"I know," said Quinn, "But I was desperate. How do you and Jamie keep it fresh?"
"Quinn," said Nicole, "I'm a professional cosplayer, and naughty roleplay NEVER gets old. Jamie and I like to re-enact each others fantasies. Try doing to Jim in real life what Brittany does to him in these dreams."
Quinn smirked as the gears in her head started turning.
Casa Carbone, the next day...
Jim was once again in the garage trying to finish working on the 1957 Bel Air for his latest video. He was not enjoying the experience.
If I ever see another '57 Chevy again it'll be too soon.
Suddenly, Jim's I-Phone beeped as he received a text message. He stopped working on the car and looked at the message. He read it to himself out loud.
"'Come to the backyard and meet me by the pool.'" He was puzzled. "Why's Quinn asking me this with a text message?"
The back yard, a short time later...
Jim's jaw dropped when he saw Quinn sitting on one of the lounge chairs. This was due to her being completely naked.
"Quinn, it's mid-afternoon," said Jim, "Why the hell are you out here with no clothes on!?"
Quinn stood up and flashed Jim a seductive grin as she pointed towards their running jaccuzzi.
"Why do you think, sexy," she said in an erotic tone.
Jim started to perk up.
"Hot tub sex?"
Quinn nodded.
"I'm horny," she said as she licked her lips in an erotic manner, "and I want you...right...now."
"Tempted," said Jim, "but we're in broad daylight. What if our neighbors see us, or worse, our kids?"
Quinn slinked towards her husband.
"That's sooo kinky," she said.
"No," Jim protested, "It's awkward and embarrassing."
Quinn dropped the horny vixen act and groaned in frustration.
"Dammit, Jim, I'm trying to drive you wild with lust by acting out one of those dreams you had about Brittany!"
Jim walked over to the lounge chair, picked up Quinn's bathrobe and offered it to her.
"Quinn, I appreciate the gesture, but what if someone sees us? Remember the last time we did it outdoors?"
Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Dammit, Jim! Do you wanna get the spice back in our marriage, or not?"
"You know I do," said Jim.
"Then," said Quinn, "Ditch the clothes, get in the jaccuzzi with me and do me like I'm the hot, buxom blonde you keep dreaming about!"
"Quinn," said Jim, "I..."
Jim's voice trailed off as he noticed something out of the corner of his eye.
"Quinn, cover yourself right now! I think someone's hiding in our hedges!"
Quinn wasn't having it.
"Jim, it's your imagination, which is what got us into this situation in the first place!"
"No," Jim insisted, "I saw something moving in the hedges just now!" He then looked at the hedges. "HEY, ASSHOLE, I OWN A GUN! GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY IF YOU DON'T WANNA GET SHOT!"
Quinn wasn't buying this.
"Jim, quit stalling!"
"I'm not stalling," said Jim, "I'm stopping an invasion of our privacy!"
"Dammit," said Quinn, "no one's hiding in our hedges!"
Just then, the intruder belched. Jim would recognize that belch anywhere.
"DAMMIT, CHRIS!"
Jim's brother, Chris, emerged from his hiding place behind a bush.
"OKAY, I'M GOING!"
As Chris left in a frantic hurry Jim stared daggers while Quinn was visibly outraged to have her privacy invaded. Needless to say, this was no aphrodisiac and the hot tub sex plan was now a total bust.
Pizza Prince, the next day...
Quinn was now having lunch with Stacy. She'd just told the latter everything that's been going on lately.
"Ohmygod," exclaimed Stacy, "Jim's brother killed your plan by beeing a creeper!"
"God," said Quinn, "It was soooo humiliating! I'm trying to get the spice back in my marriage and Chris is being a total perv just because he has a total crush on me!"
"Reminds me of my husband," said Stacy, "Back in his Upchuck days."
"God, don't remind me," said Quinn, "I still marvel at how you eventually saw past Upchuck and fell in love with him. How do you do it?"
"Well," said Stacy, "We first work each other up with talk that's both romantic and dirty. Then we take off each others clothes while making out. Then.."
"EWWWWWW," Quinn interrupted, "That's not what I meant, Stacy, and you know it!"
"Sorry," Stacy giggled, "Couldn't resist."
"Well," said Quinn, "Since we're on the subject, how do you and Chuck keep things fresh in your sex life? And please stick to the PG-13 version."
"Well," said Stacy, "We have, at various points, dabbled in group sex. Nothing like a full blown orgy, though. Just occassionally inviting a thrid person to join us in the bedroom. Sometimes another woman, somethimes another man. We don't consider that cheating since it's a group activity in which both my husband and I are participating."
Quinn shuddered.
"Nothing personal, Stacy," said Quinn, "but I don't think that's a good idea. I've..." Quinn suddenly amended what she was about to say. "I know someone who had a really awkward experience with that."*
(Author's note: She's referring to an incident in "Circle of Strife". Specifically, her, Jim and Sandi getting drunk and having a threesome.)
"No worries," said Stacy, "It's not for everyone. That's why Chuck and I only dabbled in it a little over the years. We never became full-on swingers or anything like that."
"Any other ideas," asked Quinn.
"Something that's a bit like group sex, but more vanilla," Stacy answered.
"Like what," asked Quinn.
"I happen to know of a nudist camp outside of town," said Stacy, "Chuck and I have visited it a few times over the years. It's pretty much anything goes. We didn't get it on with anyone else, but being around all of that DEFINITELY put Chuck and I in the mood."
Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"You're suggesting I take Jim to a nudist camp!?"
Stacy nodded.
"Chuck still goes there," she admitted, "Not to do anything, but to record others with his phone. We both kinda get off on voyerism."
Quinn was visibly nervous.
"Um, Stacy. About the time Chuck recorded Jim and I out of spite. Did he keep the footage, and have you guys been using it to...you know?"
"Sorry," said Stacy, "but I'm pleading the fifth on that one."
This made Quinn VERY uncomfortable.
Casa Carbone, later that day...
Jim was in the home office uploading his latest Jim the Car Guy video. Once that was done, he sat there and thought of both his professional and personal discontents.
God, I've done everything under the sun with cars. I wish there was more, but it's gotten so repititive. At this point, I'm only doing it for the money. I think that's why I agreed to fix Brittany's hot tub. It was a chance to work on something that wasn't a car, and it was fun.
Jim frowned as he recalled what all that decision led to.
Wish I'd known that seeing Brittany in a skimpy bikini would cause me to have recurring sex dreams about her. Now, Quinn's feeling so insecure that she's trying to push me into wild sexual adventures that I'm just not comfortable with. Granted, we had been taking physical intimacy for granted, but this 180 is too much and too soon. It's impossible to get turned on when you can't stop worrying about unintended consequences.
Jim looked worried as another possibility occurred to him.
What if it's not anxiety? What if that's just what I tell myself because I don't wanna face the possibility of being so bored with Quinn that I don't wanna have any kind of sex with her anymore? I love her, I always have, but what if that's not enough? Have we reached a point where we can only be roommates now? Is being lovers no longer an option? Is this inevitable in every marriage that lasts long enough?
Jim let out a resigned sigh.
I'm not ever cheating on Quinn, but what now? I'm still a man with needs. I guess being married now means porn is my only sexual outlet. Monogamy has just become celibacy, and there's not a damn thing Quinn and I can do about it.
It was at this point that Quinn entered the office.
"Jim, can we talk?"
Jim smiled.
"Of course. Besides, I have some things I need to get off my chest."
Quinn sat down next to her husband.
"Okay, what's on your mind?"
"Quinn," said Jim, "I love you. I always have and always will, but I'm starting to worry that we're no longer sexually attracted to each other and that thought scares me."
"Me too," Quinn admitted, "That's why I've been desperately trying to get the spark back. I know you'd never cheat on me or leave me for another woman, but I also don't want you having sex with me just because you feel you have to."
"I don't want that either," said Jim, "Look, I'm willing to meet your physical needs. I just wish I could want it as much as you do. In fact, that's why I'm willing to give any ideas you come up with to spice things up a try."
Quinn smiled. "I'm actually glad you said that. It makes what I'm about to say less awkward." She took a breath to steel her nerves. "Jim, let's go to a nudist camp this weekend."
Jim's mouth fell open and his eyes bulged out of their sockets.
Act III
Casa Carbone, day...
Quinn and Jim were in the home office arguing over her recent failed attempts to put the spice back in their marriage.
"You wanna spend this weekend at a nudist camp," Jim exclaimed, "Quinn, have you lost your freaking mind!?"
"Come on, Jim," Quinn protested, "You just said you'd give anything a try!"
"Going to a place where we have to be naked in front of everyone and their mother wasn't what I had in mind," said Jim, "Especially since it's a place used by swingers."
"Jim," said Quinn, "I'm not saying we try group sex again. That's not on the table...yet."
Jim raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean 'yet'?"
"Well," said Quinn, "If nothing else works I may HAVE to resort to having someone else join us in the bedroom. After all, we've done it before."
"That was different," Jim protested, "All three of us were drunk and just got so caught up in the moment that it just happened. Also, have you forgotten just how awkward things got afterwords?"
"No," said Quinn, "but the aftermath doesn't change the fact that we both enjoyed being intimate with Sandi." Quinn took a quick breath. "Look, we're getting off topic. Yes, people are gonna be having sex in front of us, but we don't have to participate. I'm not talking about threesomes or swapping, just some voyeurism to get us both in the mood."
"Quinn," said Jim, "I'm really not comfortable with this idea."
"Jim," said Quinn, "do you remember how hot for each other we used to be? Heck, my yoga instructer used to hate seeing us together because it reminded her of just how passionless her own marriage was. Remember when we went camping that one time?"
Jim cringed slightly. "I accidentally ate glitterberries and you had to follow me around to make sure I didn't do something crazy."*
(Author's note: It happened in the Quinn fic "Of Glitterberries and Awesome Boobage". Jim's hallucinations and the title were actually a deliberate homage to the South Park episode "Major Boobage".)
"Before that part," said Quinn, "We had wild sex in our tent and were actually planning to go skinny dipping in the lake."
"Quinn," said Jim, "We were alone in the woods, not at some swingers resort where everyone else is doing the same thing."
"Jim," said Quinn, "One of the reasons we're in a rut is because we've stopped trying new things. Look, let's just try this. If it doesn't work, we won't do it again."
Jim sighed. After all, it's not like they had to participate in any swinging and that's not what Quinn was going for anyway.
"Okay, fine. We'll give it a try."
Quinn smiled while Jim had a sinking feeling.
Friday afternoon...
Quinn's Cadillac was driving down a rural highway. Inside, Quinn was at the wheel while Jim rode shotgun.
"This is so exciting," said Quinn, "I can't believe we're doing something this crazy."
"I can't believe it either," said Jim, "I just wish I wasn't so nervous. I mean, what if this goes wrong?"
Quinn frowned.
"God, I hope not. If this doesn't work, then I'm fresh out of ideas. I really don't wanna have to resort to swinging."
"Even if we were desperate enough to take it that far I doubt it would work," said Jim, "Since the problem is boredom with our sex life then bringing other people into it will probably create more problems than it solves."
"That's why I'd have to be REALLY desperate to even consider it," said Quinn, "bringing other people into bed with us could backfire and kill any chance of us getting back on track. Fortunately, swinging is just an option at this place, it's not mandatory."
"You know," Jim admitted, "Now that I think about it, you and I watching other people and also putting on a show for them actually does sound kinda hot." He then frowned. "I can't believe we've gotten to a point where we have to sink this low."
"It can't be that bad," said Quinn, "I mean, it's not that different from a place where people are in bathing suits when you think about it."
At this point, Quinn saw a sign by a dirt road. The sign read "Camp Wannalayme Couple's Resort". In small print, it added "clothing optional".
"Here we are," said Quinn as she turned her car onto the dirt road.
Camp Wannalayme, a short time later...
Quinn and Jim were in the small cabin that they'd rented for the weekend. Both were disappointed by what they'd seen of the other people there so far.
"God," said a disgusted Quinn, "I've never seen so many beer guts and sagging boobs in one place. Some people should NEVER be naked in public."
"I know what you mean," said Jim, "How am I supposed to get turned on when half the people here have bodies that look like Ronald Reagan's neck?" He sighed. "Real nudist resorts look NOTHING like what you see in porn."
"Well," said Quinn, "Seeing the alternative might make you more turned on by this."
Jim looked over to see his wife now completely naked. The sight of Quinn's still-hot-at-forty-one body perked Jim's mood.
"Now that's what I like to see," he quipped.
"Okay," said Quinn in a sensual tone, "Now show me yours."
Jim stripped naked. Quinn liked the sight as, like her, Jim has taken good care of himself and remains visually appealing at forty-two.
"Nice," said Quinn as she grabbed a beach towel, "Let's go to the lake."
Jim instantly became nervous. While being naked in front of his wife is no big deal, he's still not comfortable being naked in front of total strangers.
Doing it for the marriage! Doing it for the marriage! Doing it for the marriage!
He continued repeating that line in his head as he and Quinn exited the cabin in just their birthday suits.
By the lake, a short time later...
Quinn was laying out a beach towel while Jim was still trying to make himself comfortable with the whole situation. While he was starting to get used to being surrounded by naked strangers Jim still felt uncomfortable with being naked in public himself.
I can't believe I'm doing this, he thought, I mean, is this what it's come to? I've never felt so uncomfortably vulnerable in my life, and I grew up being mercilessly tormented at both school and home.
Quinn came up to Jim.
"So, babe," she said, "Isn't this hot? Doesn't it make you want to..." She slowly traced a finger across her chest. "...do things...to me?"
Jim sighed.
"I'm sorry, Quinn, but this is just too awkward. I just can't bring myself to be horny in a situation like this."
Quinn folded her arms and scowled.
"How about if I was a buxom blonde," she accused, "Or maybe some twenty-something tart."
"What's that supposed to mean," Jim asked.
Quinn said, "It means that you don't wanna do things with ME anymore but would probably do them with someone else."
"That's not it at all," Jim protested, "I'm feeling awkward and exposed here, because I'm LITERALLY exposed."
"You think I don't feel that way too," Quinn retorted, "I wouldn't even be doing this if I weren't so determined to reignite the passion in our marriage. I don't want us to be like those couples who are more like roommates than lovers and I'm not ready to accept something like that as inevitable."
Suddenly, a female voice interrupted them.
"Excuse me?"
Quinn and Jim turned around to find a college aged girl talking to them. This woman was a hot brunette. Indeed, the sight of her would've turned Jim on if he weren't feeling so awkward.
"Um...yes," said Quinn.
"Yeah," said the girl, "My best friend and I came here in our camper and the stove won't work. I recognized you guys from YouTube. S'mores 'n' Pores and Jim the Car Guy, right? Could you guys take a look?"
"Sorry," said Quinn, "but I only know how to use stoves. I don't know how to fix them."
Jim suddenly felt at ease for the first time since they got there.
"I'll take a look. Just let me go to my cabin and get my tools."
The girl smiled.
"Thanks, you're a life saver."
Quinn instantly became jealous.
"I'm coming too. Nothing personal, missy, but I'm not leaving my husband alone with a couple of naked twenty-year-old girls."
"No problem," said the girl, who was slightly taken aback by Quinn's confrontational tone.
The camper, later...
Jim and Quinn were standing outside while the brunette and her equally sexy blonde friend thanked him for fixing the stove. Jim was talking to the girls while Quinn stood there with folded arms and a very cross expression on her face.
"Thanks," said the blonde, "You're a life saver."
"No problem," said Jim, "Fixing the stove in your RV was fun."
"Quinn," said the brunette, "Your husband's something else."
"Yes," Quinn growled through gritted teeth before grabbing Jim's arm, "Let's go!"
She practically dragged him away.
"Later, ladies."
The girls wave at Jim.
"See you 'round," said the brunette.
"Have fun, you two," added the blonde.
"Not freaking likely," Quinn growled under her breath as she dragged Jim back towards the lake.
The lake, a short time later...
Quinn was angrily rolling up the beach towel while Jim was trying to get her to talk to him.
"Quinn, please," said Jim, "I know you're upset, but it's not like I was looking to actually hook up with them. Yeah, they're hot, but they're also young enough to be our daughters."
Quinn dropped the towel and started crying.
"Quinn," said a very concerned Jim.
"You...sniff...YOU ARE BORED WITH ME AND...AND...AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THAT! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Jim placed a hand on his wife to console her.
"Quinn, I was excited to fix their stove because it was a chance to fix something other than a car. That's also why I agreed to fix Kevin and Brittany's hot tub. I love cars, but I'm sick of working on them. It's not fun anymore. I mean, how many times can you restore a '57 Chevy before it gets boring?"
Quinn suddenly stopped crying and gasped in realization.
Oh...my...GOD! Of course! Jim's intimacy issues aren't the problem, they're just a symptom of the REAL problem!
Quinn then voiced her epiphany out loud.
"Jim, I think I just figured out what's really going on! You aren't bored with me; you're bored with your job!"
Jim gasped in sudden realization.
"God, I can't believe I didn't think of that! I mean, it's so freaking obvious! Each one of those sex dreams involved something that was recently fixed! The jacuzzi dream happened right after I'd actually fixed a jacuzzi and the shower dream happened the first night after I'd installed our new shower head! My subconscious was telling me I need to take a vacation from only fixing cars!"
Quinn was immensely relieved to learn that her marriage wasn't in trouble after all.
"Jim, if you wanna put Jim the Car Guy on hiatus for a while I'm okay with that. S'more 'n' Pores and that restaurant we co-own bring in more than enough to support our family anyway."
"Actually," said Jim, "I'm thinking of going from being Jim the Car Guy to Jim the Fixer, or the Handyman, or Handyman Jim. I don't know, I just got the idea. Diversify from cars."
"You know," said a grinning Quinn, "The office light in the restaurant has been acting weird lately. I thought it just needed a new lightbulb, but even with a new bulb it's flickering on and off."
"Sounds like a bad wire connection," said Jim, "You let me film it, and I'll gladly take a look."
Suddenly, Jim noticed something.
"Um, Quinn...now that I've figured out the real problem and solved it, being naked outdoors with you's making me a little...anxious, if you know what I mean."
"I do," said Quinn, "In fact, now that the pressure's off, I'm so horny that I NEED a good lay and don't care who sees it."
They pulled each other into a passionate embrace and kissed. Things quickly got NSFW after that.
A few hours later...
The sun was setting as Quinn and Jim made their way back to the cabin after an afternoon of hot public sex. Once they were gone, Chuck Ruttheimer emerged from the bushes with a camcorder. He went through all the footage of Quinn and Jim getting busy and smirked.
GRRR! Feisty!
End chapter.