Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"Valentine's Daze"
written by
WildDogJJ
A house in Lawndale, Monday evening...
Stacy's brother, Adam Rowe, was quite the playboy. After work, he'd gone to the local bar. Now, he was coming home with a hot, buxom blond that he'd picked up. Adam and this girl struggled to keep their hands off of each other as they made their way from Adam's car to his house. He opened the door for her and led her into his bachelor pad.
Tuesday morning...
The blond hottie exited Adam's house looking both exhausted and satisfied, having spent most of the evening having some of the best sex of her life.
Tuesday evening...
Adam was now bringing a sexy brunette home.
Wednesday morning...
The sexy brunette leaves spent and totally satisfied.
Wednesday evening...
Adam was now bringing a beautiful red head home.
Thursday morning...
The red head leaves totally satisfied.
Thursday evening...
Now it's a hot black woman that Adam's bringing home.
Friday morning...
The hot black woman leaves with a satisfied smile on her face.
Friday evening...
Adam's bringing a sexy Latina home. Her screams of pleasure would be heard by the whole neighborhood.
Saturday morning...
The sexy Latina leaves, looking like she'd had the most blissful night of her life.
Saturday evening...
Now he's bringing home an Asian hottie.
Sunday morning...
The Asian hottie leaves so satisfied that no man will ever be able to please her again.
Sunday evening...
Tonight, Adam's bringing a pair of sexy Indian twins home for a threesome.
I think we all get the idea. Adam Rowe gets a LOT of action in a typical week.
Glenfield Middle School, day...
Teddy and his best/only friend, Rachel White, are walking the halls. There are heart shaped decorations all over the place as Valentine's Day is coming up.
"Thank God we're in middle school now," said Rachel, "No more being forced to give Valentine's Day cards to all of my classmates, especially since I don't like any of them."
"Well," said Teddy, "We like each other, but only as friends."
"Um, Teddy," said Rachel, "Do you want me to give you a Valentine's Day card?"
"No," said Teddy, "Valentine's Day is just an artificial celebration of an unrealistic ideal that's done solely to keep the economy going."
"Spoken like a true romantic," deadpanned Rachel.
In another part of the hallway, Timmy and his girlfriend, Q, were walking.
"God, I love Valentine's Day," said Q, "It's sooo romantic."
"Yeah," said Timmy, "And you get free candy!"
Q was slightly put off by her boyfriend thinking about that first.
"You know, Timmy," said Q, "Boyfriends and girlfriends usually celebrate Valentine's Day by getting a present."
"Relax, bae," said Timmy, "I've got you one."
Q looked worried.
"Um...It's not like last year, is it?"
Timmy shrugged off the concern.
"Relax, Q. Now that I know the difference between perfume and cologne, I'm not making that mistake again."
Q was visibly relieved.
Teddy and Rachel, meanwhile, had overheard.
"I still can't believe your brother gave his girlfriend cologne last year," said Rachel.
Added Teddy, "And he's in for a rude awakening when he finds out girls aren't fans of after-shave either."
The two exchanged smirks as they approached Teddy's locker. Teddy immediately noticed something. That something was a note taped on the locker.
"What the hell!?"
Teddy took the note and read it out loud.
"I heart U, Teddy."
Rachel was curious.
"Who's it from?"
"It doesn't say," said Teddy.
Rachel smirked.
"Looks like you have a secret admirer."
Teddy deadpanned, "Who clearly has very low standards...or she's really desperate. I mean, who'd wanna hook up with the biggest outcast in school?"
Rachel said nothing but had a pained look on her face. Teddy didn't notice.
Casa Carbone, later that day...
Jim, Kevin, Chris, Jamie and Adam Rowe were hanging out in Jim's basement man cave. The topic of conversation was what they're doing for Valentine's Day.
"...so Quinn tells me she's working on some kind of surprise for me this year," said Jim.
"Dude," said Kevin, "Brit, like, actually wants to do something with me for Valentine's Day. Guess she wants to make up for lost time."
"Lost time," asked Adam.
"Yeah," said Kevin, "Last fifteen Valentine's Days she had to blow me off 'cause she always had a workout session with Daryl. Now that he's not training her anymore Brit wants to gimmie a night to remember."
The other guys frowned. Unlike Kevin, they all knew what Brittany and Daryl were really doing those last fifteen Valentine's Days. None of them said anything, though, on account of Brittany was no longer banging Daryl on the side.
Chris immediately broke the tension.
"I've got a date on Valentine's Day this year."
"That's great, bro," said Jim, "Who is she?"
Chris became nervous.
"Um...You don't know her!"
Jim sighed.
"You made her up, didn't you?"
Chris frowned.
"Yes."
This surprised no one. After the Taylor Swift thing a few months ago, Chris went back to being his perpetually lonely self.
"That reminds me," said Adam as he looked at his watch, "I gotta go. I've only lined up one of my Valentine's hookups for this year. Later."
Adam left in a hurry.
"Dude," said Kevin, "I, like, feel bad for Adam. I mean, I've got a hot babe who's been true to me since high school."
Except for the fifteen years she was banging Daryl on the side, thought Jamie. Out loud, he said, "Kevin, Adam's not really the type to settle down with one woman."
Added Jim, "He celebrates Valentine's Day several times with several different women."
"Yeah," said Chris, "That Adam, running around like a horny fool. I could just cry for him." Chris then looked both sad and envious. "In fact, I think I'm gonna do that."
Jim immediately changed the subject.
"Jamie, you and Nicole have anything special planned?"
"I don't know," said Jamie, "Every time I bring it up lately, she completely changes the subject."
Chris frowned. "Why does everyone else get to be happily married while I don't? Why does Adam get every woman he wants while they don't even look at me? I...I...IT'S NOT FAIR!"
Chris ran out of the basement, crying the whole time. The other guys just exchanged awkward looks.
A short time later...
Chris was driving his car in an attempt to clear his head. Suddenly, something caught his attention.
"What the hell?"
He was passing by the White residence. Adam Rowe's Corvette was parked in the driveway.
What's Adam doing at Jamie's Chris silently asked himself. He then saw Adam emerge from the house, accompanied by Nicole. Nicole had a huge smile on her face.
What the hell's going on Chris wondered as he saw Nicole hug Adam.
Oh...my...GOD!
Casa Carbone, the next day...
Quinn and Nicole were chatting over tea.
"Wow," said Quinn, "So, for Valentine's Day you and Jamie are gonna have dinner at That's Amore followed by a weekend stay at Le Grande's Honeymoon Suite!"
Nicole nodded excitedly. "Yep, Adam Rowe's promiscuity really paid off. He's doing the hostess at That's Amore and another one of his squeezes works the front desk at LeGrande. He was able to wrangle those perks for us. Heck, when he came over yesterday to give me the reservations, I was so grateful that I actually hugged him."
"I can see that," said Quinn, "You and Jamie get to have a romantic weekend for free."
"Not entirely," said Nicole, "I had to agree to have my next oil change at Rowe Automotive. Good thing Jim's taking a break from cars, or he'd be crushed."
"He's a good sport," said Quinn, "I don't think it'd phase him either way."
"By the way," said Nicole, "Thanks for taking Rachel for the weekend."
"No problem," replied Quinn, "It's the least I could do."
"What are you and Jim doing for Valentine's Day," asked Nicole.
Quinn answered. "Dinner at Chez Pierre, followed by a romantic walk in the park and a trip to the old quarry to relive our more youthful hijinks."
Nicole stifled a giggle. "The old quarry, where half of Lawndale's unplanned pregnancies happen."
Both Quinn and Nicole laughed at the remark.
"Speaking of young love," said Quinn, "Apparently, Teddy has a secret admirer."
"I wonder if it's Rachel," said Nicole, "I'm beginning to think those two like each other as more than friends."
"Probably," said Quinn, "I'm beginning to suspect the same thing, despite their insistence that they're both just friends."
It was at this point that Teddy entered the kitchen.
"We ARE just friends," Teddy vehemently insisted. He then calmed down. "Hey, Mrs. White."
"Hi, Teddy," said Nicole.
"By the way, Mom," said Teddy as he handed some letters to Quinn, "Here's the mail."
"Thanks, Teddy," said Quinn as she quickly thumbed through the letters. Suddenly, Quinn saw one that caught her eye. "This one's for you."
Teddy took the letter Quinn handed to him.
"Hm, no return address, just my name typed in boldface," he said, "I've seen horror movies that start like this."
Teddy's eyes went wide as he read the letter. It was typed in large print and read as follows...
I THINK UR CUTE,
YOUR SECRET ADMIRER
Teddy responded with his Daria-like deadpan.
"It's nothing important, just a letter from my stalker."
Meanwhile, at Lawndale High...
Jamie sat at his desk grading tests (he's a history teacher). His disappointment grew as he looked at one.
"Idiot," he said, "Just once, I'd like to have a student who isn't a freaking idiot. No wonder DeMartino was always on the verge of a nervous breakdown."
Just then, he felt his cellphone vibrate.
"Thank God, an interruption."
Jamie took his phone out.
"Better not be another prank text from the quarterback."
The text message read as follows...
C Carbone: Jamie, meet me at the Liquid Dinner after work. It's urgent.
Jamie sighed.
Might as well. Anyway, back to grading.
Jamie went back to grading tests. He sighed as he looked at the next one.
"Great," he muttered to himself, "Another freaking idiot."
The Liquid Dinner, a few hours later...
Chris was seated on a barstool nursing a beer when Jamie approached.
"Hey, Chris."
"Thanks for coming, Jamie."
The bartender approached.
"What'll it be, pal."
"Gimmie a beer," said Jamie.
As the bartender poured Jamie's beer, he sat on the stool next to Chris.
"So, what's this big emergency, man?"
Chris sighed.
"Jamie, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just flat out say it. I think Adam Rowe's putting the moves on Nicole."
Jamie gasped in shock.
Act II
The Liquid Dinner, evening...
Chris has just dropped a major bombshell on Jamie.
"What," exclaimed a shocked Jamie.
"I think Adam Rowe's trying to seduce Nicole," said Chris, "If he hasn't gotten her into bed already."
"You can't be serious," said a dumbfounded Jamie, "Nicole would never do that to me, and I've known Adam since high school."
"Then you know what a total skirt chaser Adam is," said Chris, "The women in this town who haven't slept with him at some point are few and far between."
"Yeah," said Jamie, "But even a horndog like Adam has standards. He's not gonna cuck an old friend, and Nicole would never do something like that to me."
"You know," said Chris, "That's what I told myself when I was married. Then I found out Brooke was cheating on me every chance she got."
"Dude," said Jamie, "I'm not a self-deluded idiot like Kevin. I think I'd notice if something was going on."
"Look," said Chris, "After I got so depressed about being single on Valentine's Day, I went for a drive to clear my head. I happened to pass by your house and saw Adam there, right after he told us he was going on a date."
Jamie gasped as he began to wonder if maybe Chris might be onto something.
"I saw them hug," Chris continued, "I had to tell you. We just spent fifteen years watching Kevin live in denial about his marriage, I don't wanna go through that again. Jamie, you need to lawyer up, or you're gonna end up like me."
Jamie sat there in stunned silence. He didn't want to believe it, but all of the pieces seemed to fit.
White residence, later...
A despondent looking Jamie has just come in. He noticed something off.
Where is everybody?
He then made his way into the living room. Rachel was sitting on the couch watching TV. On the screen, a couple were sitting on a park bench. The man handed the woman a gift. She opened it to find a still-beating heart inside.
"Meet the man who gave his girlfriend a unique Valentine's Day gift...AN ACTUAL HEART! My Bloody Valentine, next on Sick, Sad World!"
"Rachel," said Jamie, "Where's your mother?"
"Said she had to run some errands," Rachel answered, "Won't be home 'til late. Told me to tell you to just defrost a pizza for dinner."
Jamie found this odd but decided not to say anything about it. Instead, he stuck with the subject of dinner.
"Okay, I gotta hit the bathroom really quick. Meantime, you get the pizza out."
"Okay, Dad," said Rachel as she got off the couch and made her way to the kitchen.
The bathroom, a short time later...
Jamie was washing his hands when he noticed one of the drawers was slightly ajar. He was about to close it when something caught his eye.
What's this?
He opened the drawer all the way and took out the dinner and hotel reservations that Nicole got from Adam. Not knowing that it's a Valentine's surprise for him, Jamie drew the worst possible conclusion.
Chris was right!
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
It was lunch time, and the kids were all in the cafeteria. As usual, Teddy and Rachel were sitting by themselves at the unpopular table.
"So," said Rachel in a sly tone, "Your secret admirer knows where you live."
"You mean stalker," said Teddy, "and yes."
"Teddy," said Rachel, "What if your secret admirer is someone you know? You know, maybe someone who likes you and is afraid to say so."
"Yeah, right," said Teddy, "I don't know anyone like that."
"Well," said Rachel, "Then maybe it is some psycho who wants to go Fatal Attraction on you." Suddenly, something else caught Rachel's attention. "Uh-oh, Shane alert!"
Sure enough, Shane Sloane was approaching. As usual, he was accompanied by his lackeys Al and Lou.
"Well, well, well," said Shane in a mocking tone, "The brain's got a secret admirer. What kind of chick wants a freak like you?"
"I've been asking myself that all day," said Teddy, "And how do you know about this?"
"Duh," said Shane, "Tommy's been telling everyone."
Teddy sighed. "Dammit, Tommy!"
As if that weren't enough, Kevin Jr. now approached.
"Dude, is it true!?"
"Yes," Teddy sighed, "It's true, idiocy is hereditary."
"Not that, man," said Kevin Junior, "I mean that you have a secret admirer."
Teddy sighed. Being stalked was bad enough, but now he's the top story in the school's gossip mill. Just then, Julie, Jenny and Janey (Tommy's version of the three J's) approached.
"Hey," said Julie, "Tommy's weird cousin, we just heard."
Added Jenny, "You actually have a secret admirer!?"
Janey said, "How'd that happen?"
"Gee, I don't know," said Teddy, "Is it one of you?"
All three: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"No way," said Julie.
"We like Tommy," said Jenny.
"You're a sick freak," said Janey.
"Thank you for your honesty, Jessie," said Teddy.
"I'm Janey," said Janey.
That's when Tommy approached.
"Hey, what's with wanting to talk to my weirdo bro...cousin."
The girls instantly forgot Teddy.
"TOMMY," they excitedly chanted in unison.
Teddy just sighed.
"So, this is what it's like to be popular. It's overrated."
White residence, evening...
Jamie, Nicole and Rachel were at the kitchen table having dinner. Jamie was eyeing both his wife and daughter with suspicion. Nicole was the first to notice.
"Something on your mind, Jamie?"
"Nothing," said Jamie with a sigh, "Anything interesting happen here today? Any visitors?"
Nicole shook her head. "No, I was at Quinn's most of today. We're doing another collab video."
Without preamble, Jamie whipped out his cellphone and dialed a number. Nicole and Rachel exchanged puzzled looks as this behavior was out of character.
"Quinn," said Jamie, "It's Jamie. Nicole said you guys were working on a collaboration today. That true?" Jamie listened for a few seconds. "No, I was just curious. Um...What's it about?" Another pause. "I see. Sounds interesting. Thanks, later." With that, Jamie hung up with a relieved look on his face. "Quinn just confirmed your story."
Nicole raised an eyebrow. "Jamie, what the hell's gotten into you?"
"Why, Nicole," said Jamie in a hostile tone, "What ever do you mean?"
Nicole explained. "You've been giving me the silent treatment for the last two days. I just told you what I did today and you immediately call Quinn to confirm it. You're acting like I'm hiding something from you."
"Maybe you are," said Jamie in a hostile tone.
Nicole was both nervous and confused. She was nervous because she is hiding something, but not what Jamie thinks. She's hiding a Valentine's Day surprise for him. She was confused because she'd never known Jamie to be this cagey with her.
"Jamie," said Nicole, "What's with you? Why are you acting like I have something to 'fess up to?"
"Do you," asked Jamie in a pleading tone.
"No," Nicole answered truthfully.
Rachel sat there in awkward silence, though she can tell that something's up.
"I see," said Jamie in a disappointed tone as he stood up from his seat. He then got his motorcycle helmet and keys.
"Where are you going," asked Nicole.
"Out," Jamie barked as he left too quickly for Nicole to ask any other questions.
Nicole and Rachel listened awkwardly to the sound of Jamie starting his Kawasaki motorcycle and then leaving.
"Mom," said Rachel, "What's with Dad?"
"I have no idea," said Nicole, "You didn't tell him about the Valentine's surprise I have planned, did you?"
Rachel shook her head. "I'm getting a weekend with my boy...best friend outta the deal. No way I'd screw that up." Dammit, Rachel, you're just friends!
Nicole once again raised an eyebrow as she was beginning to suspect that her daughter liked Teddy as more than just a friend. She said nothing about that, though, choosing instead to stick to the subject of her husband acting weird.
"I don't know what's with your father," said Nicole, "I mean, it's like he thinks I'm seeing someone else or something."
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Teddy and Rachel were walking the hallway on the way to class. Rachel was telling him about the tense situation at home.
"...so Dad came back a few hours later. Mom tried to get him to open up, but he just shut her down. Dad was so upset that he actually slept on the couch last night."
"So," said Teddy, "Your parents are getting a divorce?"
"Nope," said Rachel, "But Dad's acting really weird. I don't think he knows about Mom's present for him, but I think that he thinks she's having an affair."
"Sounds like a sitcom misunderstanding to me," said Teddy.
Rachel nodded. "But enough about my dysfunctional home life. What's going on with you?"
"The usual," said Teddy, "My brother's annoy me, my parents don't get me, and..." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. "...my stalker dropped this in the mailbox. As usual, it's typed and there's no return address."
Rachel took the letter and read it aloud.
"Teddy, I'm coming over Valentine's Day to show you who loves you so much, your secret admirer."
Teddy eyed Rachel with suspicion, which she noticed.
"What," asked Rachel.
"Well," said Teddy, "It occurs to me that you're sleeping over this weekend while your parents do the nasty at a hotel. Valentine's Day's on a Friday. One might wonder if it's you who's sending me these letters."
Rachel was taken aback. "Teddy, I'm not the stalking type. Admiring from a distance and suffering in silence are more my thing."
"True," said Teddy, "But you're definitely gonna be at my place this weekend."
"Not so definitely," said Rachel, "Given the way my Dad's been acting the last few days."
Suddenly, someone came up behind them and snatched the letter.
"HEY," said Rachel.
They turned around to see Tommy, his three open admirers Jenny, Janey and Julie, Timmy, Q, Kevin Jr., Shane and his lackeys Al and Lou all standing behind them. Tommy was the one who snatched the letter.
"So," said Tommy, "Your secret admirers actually gonna show up at our house."
"Dude," said Timmy, "We actually get to meet her!?"
Added Shane, "This we gotta see."
"Two words," said Teddy, "No and way."
Al then grabbed Teddy's right arm while Lou grabbed his left. They then stood Teddy up while Shane gets in his face.
"We weren't asking, brain," Shane threatened.
Added Kevin Jr., "'C'mon, man. I mean, how many times are we gonna see something like this."
Pleaded Q, "Even my brother's curious."
"Just great," said Teddy, "I have to invite all of you guys to my place AND include Chucky Ruttheimer on the guest list."
All the other kids: "YES!"
Teddy sighed in defeat.
"Tommy, I don't know how you handle being popular. It sucks."
"Duh," said Tommy, "I'm not the freak you are. Now, let me show you how a REAL popular guy handles this situation." He turned to the other kids. "PARTY AT MY PLACE!"
All other kids: "AWRIGHT!"
Teddy sighed. "Could this be any more awkward?"
Act III
White residence, night...
Jamie and Nicole were sleeping in their bed. While Nicole slept soundly, Jamie was tossing and turning.
Jamie's dream...
Jamie walked towards his house with a bouquet of roses in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. He had a huge smile on his face as he opened the front door and entered.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Nicole!"
Jamie looked around and was surprised to find no one there.
"That's weird. Where is everybody?"
That's when he heard Nicole's voice coming from upstairs.
"Oh...GOD...ah..."
Jamie's eyes went wide.
"Nicole!?"
"Oh...YES...soo...AH..."
Thinking his wife might be in trouble, Jamie hurried up the stairs. As he did, he heard Nicole's voice again.
"Oh...baby...right...there...yes...yes...YES..."
Jamie charged right through the door and was horrified at the sight of his wife having sex with Adam Rowe and loving it.
"Oh...Adam...baby...feels...so...soooo...GOOD...YES...OHGODYES!"
"WHAT THE HELL," Jamie angrily shouted at the top of his lungs.
Nicole and Adam stopped having sex and seperated. They looked mockingly at Jamie, using the bedsheets to cover their nakedness.
"Hey, Jamie," said Adam, "I guess you had to find out sometime."
Jamie glared menacingly at Adam.
"WHAT!?"
He then lunged at Adam so hard that his stumps popped out of his prosthetic legs and he fell face first on the floor.
"Why, Nicole," said Jamie in a pained voice, "WHY?"
"Because," answered Nicole with a sadistic grin, "After sixteen years of being married to a legless freak like you, I need a real man. Adam's whole...and a way better lay than you ever were."
"She's given you enough pity," said a smirking Adam, "and she's a very sexy Asian."
"Sorry, Jamie," said Nicole, "but I was only with you because I felt sorry for you. I need real sex, not the pity screws I've been giving you."
"By the way," added Adam, "I'm Rachel's real father."
Nicole and Adam then kissed passionately as she climbed on top of him, and they resumed having sex right in front of Jamie.
Reality...
Jamie woke up with a start.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
That caused the sleeping Nicole to wake up.
"Whu...Whuz 'rong...yawn...b..bae?"
Jamie nervously looked at his wife.
"Um...nothing."
Too tired to think anything of it, Nicole promptly fell back asleep. Jamie just sat awake in bed and sighed.
Crap.
Pizza King, the next day...
Nicole and Stacy were chatting over lunch. Nicole looked like she was a million miles away, which Stacy noticed.
"Nicole," said Stacy, "You look like I felt after that time I misred the teleprompter during a live broadcast that one time."
For those who don't know, Stacy's an anchor at the local news station.
"I'm worried," said Nicole, "about Jamie. He's been acting weird the last few days. He keeps asking me questions about your brother."
"Really," said Stacy, "What kind of questions?"
"Leading questions," Nicole answered, "It's almost like he thinks I'm hiding something, and it has something to do with Adam."
Stacy looked a little awkward. "Well, I'm fully aware of Adam's player lifestyle. Maybe Jamie thinks he's eyeing you as a potential sexual conquest."
"Yeah, right," said Nicole, "Adam's never made a move on me and even if he did I know him too well to fall for all those lines he uses to get other women to jump in the sack with him. Besides, Jamie knows I'd never do something like that to him."
"Does he," asked Stacy, "I ask because guys can be kinda dense about that kind of thing. One time, we had a really hot college guy interning at the station. Heck, if I were single and it weren't a violation of station policy I might've actually considered sleeping with that guy. As it was, after Chuck saw him he felt so threatened that I had to constantly reassure him that I wasn't cheating with the intern."
"I see," said Nicole.
At this point, who should pass by but Chris. He glared menacingly at Nicole.
"Hello, adulteress!"
Nicole took offense.
"Excuse me!"
"You heard me," said Chris, "Don't try to deny it!"
"Deny what," asked Stacy.
Chris answered. "That she's cheating on her husband with your brother!"
Nicole was stunned. "Chris, what the hell makes you think I'm doing Adam Rowe on the side."
Chris got right in Nicole's face.
"Don't play innocent with me, you little skank! I saw you hug Adam Rowe the other day!"
Nicole gasped. "You saw that!?"
Chris nodded. "Yeah! I've kept my silence about Brittany and Daryl, but I'm not gonna keep silent about your infidelity! How could you do that to one of my closest friends, you heartless bitch!?"
Nicole rolled her eyes. "Chris, I hugged Adam because I was greatful for his help securing a Valentine's Day gift for Jamie."
Chris went pale as he realized that he may have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Stacy explained further. "Nicole came to me for help coming up with a Valentine's Day gift for Jamie. I mentioned that two of the women Adam's currently doing are a hostess at That's Amore and a check in lady at LeGrande Hotel. We then approached Adam and asked him to use those connections to get a free romantic dinner and weekend for Nicole and Jamie."
"The day I hugged Adam," Nicole continued, "He'd just dropped off the reservations for Jamie and I. That's why I hugged him, I was grateful."
"Chris," said Stacy, "You should know that my brother considers married women off-limits."
Chris blushed with embarrassment.
Meanwhile, at Glenfield Middle School...
Teddy and Rachel were eating lunch at the school cafeteria. The topic of conversation was Teddy being forced to have their entire class over just because they all want to know who his secret admirer is.
"Well," said Teddy, "Tonight's the night it happens."
"What," said Rachel, "True love, or public humiliation?"
"Definitely the latter," said Teddy, "and if you're the one sending me those letters, now's the time to back out."
"It's not me," said Rachel. But I wish it was. Her eyes went wide. Did I really just think that!?
"Okay, then," said Teddy, "At least you get a front row seat to what could very well be my murder." Why am I wishing it was Rachel sending me those letters? Teddy then shook his head. Dammit, Teddy, she's your best friend! Stop thinking about Rachel like that!
It was at this point that he tried to change the subject.
"So," said Teddy, "Is your dad still acting weird? You know, more than usual."
Rachel nodded. "When Mom told him she had an oil change appointment this afternoon at Rowe Automotive, Dad gave her this scary look before angrily charging out of the house."
Teddy instantly put the pieces together. "Given Mr. Rowe's playboy reputation, how much you wanna bet your father's gonna go there to kick his ass."
"God, I hope not," said Rachel, "My life's awkward enough as it is."
Rowe Automotive, that afternoon...
Jamie was angrily making his way through the lobby with his motorcycle helmet in hand. He marched towards the employee lounge.
"Sir," said the receptionist, "You can't go back there."
Jamie ignored her as he charged into the lounge. On the other side of the lounge was Adam's office. Jamie burst right through the door. Adam looked up from his desk.
"Yo, Jamie," said Adam, "What's up?"
Jamie, his face a mask of jealous rage, swung his helmet at Adam, hitting him across the face so hard that it koncked him out of his chair and gave him a bloody mouth and nose.
"JAMIE, WHAT THE HELL," shouted Adam after spitting some blood from his mouth.
"STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE, YOU F #$ING HORNDOG!"
Adam was confused.
"JAMIE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?"
"YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ASSHOLE!"
Consumed by rage, Jamie began to swing his helmet down and beat Adam senseless with it. He was about to bring it down on the now barely conscious Adam again when...
"JAMIE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"
The sound of Nicole's voice snapped Jamie out of his rage.
"NICOLE, HOW COULD YOU SCREW AROUND ON ME WITH HIM!?"
"DAMMIT, JAMIE," Nicole shouted, "I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU!"
"Chris saw you guys hugging the other day, and I found those reservations in the bathroom," Jamie barked, "YOU'RE GONNA DITCH ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY TO HAVE A ROMANTIC WEEKEND WITH THIS ASSHOLE!"
"Dammit, Jamie," Nicole fired back, "Those reservations are for US!"
"I...it's true," Adam meekly said as he wiped blood from his nose.
Jamie gasped in shock. "Wh...What!?"
Nicole explained. "Jamie, Stacy asked her brother to help me get a Valentine's Day gift for us."
Added Adam, "Th...That's right." He then stood up and explained further. "I...One of the hotties I'm banging is a hostess at That's Amore, so I convinced her to hook you guys up with reservations for dinner tonight. I'm also doing one of the desk workers at LeGrande Hotel and got her to book reservations for you guys at the honeymoon suite."
Nicole reached into her purse and pulled out the reservations. "Did you even bother to look at the names when you saw these? They clearly say Mr. and Mrs. White, not Rowe."
She handed the reservations to Jamie and he read them thoroughly. They did indeed say Mr. and Mrs. White.
Nicole went on. "When I was having lunch with Stacy earlier Chris ran into us and told me everything. That's why you've been acting so weird the last few days, isn't it?"
Thoroughly embarrassed, Jamie nodded. "I...I..." He then turned towards Adam. Jamie felt intense guilt as he saw how much he'd bloodied Adam's face. "S...Sorry, man. I...I.."
Adam accepted the apology. "It's okay, man. You thought I was putting moves on your wife. I'd've done the same thing in your situation." He wiped some blood from his nose and lip before going one. "Besides, what's a fat lip, bloody nose and mild concussion among friends."
"Jamie," said Nicole, "Not only am I supremely embarrassed by what you just did, but I'm also deeply hurt by what you've been thinking. We've been together for eighteen years, sixteen of them as husband and wife. Our marriage has been tested in ways most marriages aren't, and we've always emerged a stronger couple because of it. We have a nice house, a wonderful daughter, a wonderful life. How could you even think I'd turn my back on all of that for some player who'd only see me as another notch in his bedpost?"
Jamie sighed and hung his head in shame. "I...I'm sorry. It's...well, it's not just Adam's love 'em and leave 'em lifestyle. I...Well, I guess even after all of this time I still wonder why a hottie like you is into a guy like me."
"You mean," said Nicole, "A wonderful guy who treats me like a queen, gets me like no one else does and is a great father to our daughter? Jamie, I'm the one who leveled up. You're the kind of guy I'd always dreamed of spending my life with."
Jamie was visibly moved by his wife's sentiment.
"Look," Nicole continued, "Next time you're having doubts, try talking to me before you go crazy and try to bash a guy's skull in with a motorcycle helmet."
"I can do that," said Jamie, "Nicole, I'm sorry I doubted you."
"Your forgiven," said Nicole in a reassuring tone.
Jamie then turned to Adam. "Sorry about the head bashing, man."
Adam shrugged. "S'okay, man. It's not the first time I've been physically assaulted by a jealous guy and probably won't be the last either."
Nicole and Jamie couldn't help laughing at the joke.
Casa Carbone, evening...
Teddy paced around the living room in front of his brothers, Rachel and all the uninvited guests (Kevin Jr., Q, Chucky, Jenny, Julie, Janey, Shane, Al and Lou). He then looked at his watch.
"She said seven o'clock," said Teddy.
"Maybe she won't show," said Rachel.
"She'd better show," said Tommy.
Added Shane, "I'm so gonna have Al and Lou kick your ass if we came here for nothing."
Chucky then spoke to Shane in his usual monotone.
"You don't fight your own battles."
It was at this point that the doorbell rang.
"Everyone, hide," said Tommy.
As the kids all ducked into the next room, leaving the door open a crack so they could watch, Teddy took a deep breath to steel his nerves.
"Here goes nothing."
With that, Teddy opened the door. He gasped in shock when he saw who it was.
"Happy Valentine's Day, my sweet little grandson," said Helen Morgendorffer. "I'm your secret admirer."
"Gr...Grandma Helen!?"
"That's right, Teddy," said Helen, "I sent you those letters because you're such an adorable little boy. Your parents and I thought it'd be cute to surprise you, my darling little grandson."
Helen then pulled Teddy into a hug, picked him up and kissed him on the cheek.
"How's my special little grandson," she said before giving the mortified Teddy another kiss on the cheek.
The other kids then emerged from their hiding place. They were all laughing their little butts off.
"Your grandmother loves you," said Chucky in his usual monotone.
LeGrande Hotel, later that evening...
Nicole and Jamie were in the honeymoon suite, which included a heart-shaped hot tub. Jamie and Nicole drank champagne while relaxing in the hot tub. They were naked, but the bubbles obscured anything NSFW.
"Nicole," said Jamie, "This is great."
"Happy Valentine's Day, lover," said Nicole as she and Jamie kissed.
"Nicole," said Jamie, "Sorry I was acting so crazy all this week."
"You don't have to apologize," she said, "In fact, now that I'm over the embarrassment I have to admit that seeing you get jealous like that was kind of a turn on."
"Really," said Jamie, "Even though I'm..." He nodded toward the prosthetic legs outside the tub. "...you know."
"Jamie," said Nicole, "You're just as sexy without the legs. Besides..." She pointed to her submerged breasts. "...you're not the only one here with fake body parts."
She was referencing the fact that her double-D's were surgically upgraded from B's when she was a teenager.
"Hey," said Jamie, "I'm not complaining. Your boobs are hot!"
"Thanks, stud," said Nicole in a seductive tone, "and with your prosthetic legs off, I don't have to worry about you running off when I get...frisky."
No more words were said. Nicole and Jamie kissed passionately as she climbed on him. I leave the details of what happened next to your own perverted imagination.
End Chapter.