Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"Jim the Terminator"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Casa Carbone, morning...
Quinn, Jim and the triplets were sitting around the kitchen table having breakfast. As the family ate, they were discussing the day to come.
"So," said Tommy, "I probably won't be home until dinner 'cause after baseball practice me and the guys are gonna hit up the arcade."
Timmy proceeded to tell of his plans. "After Q gets done with cheerleading practice, she's coming over to help me with my homework."
Teddy immediately threw in his usual deadpan. "Because why learn when you can have your girlfriend do it for you."
Tommy sprang to his brother's defense. "Duh, Teddy. We're too popular to do our own homework. You'd know that if you didn't waste your life being a total freak."
"I'll remember you said that," Teddy fired back, "When I'm a best-selling author and you're still living with Mom and Dad because you peaked in adolescence."
"BOYS," Quinn barked, "Don't start!" She then calmed down. "I'm gonna be gone most of today. I have a meeting with sponsors this morning and I'm gonna spend the afternoon at the restaurant we co-own with Uncle Vito just to make sure he isn't running it into the ground."
"Cool," said Timmy, "Q and I want some alone time."
"Don't even think about it," said Jim, "I'm gonna be home all day. I gotta come up with some video ideas before YouTube's algorithm forgets that I exist."
Quinn said nothing but gave her husband a pitiful look. Jim pretended not to notice.
Later that day...
Jim was sitting in front of the TV in the living room with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. On the screen was an image of a homeless man begging in a rough part of town. This gives way to the homeless man in line at a corporate office. He's immediately given a check for ten-thousand dollars by the payroll manager.
"Meet the man who gets paid to panhandle on skid row," said the TV announcer, "Professional Hobos, next on Sick, Sad World!"
Jim let out a sigh. "I gotta get over this creative funk, fast!"
At this point both Timmy and Q enter. They both noticed Timmy's father vegging in front of the TV.
"What's with your dad," asked Q.
"I dunno," said Timmy, "He's been like this for a couple of months now. He totally lost interest in working on cars and hasn't done it in a while."
"I know," said Q, "I went to his channel yesterday and the most recent video is two months old."
"Mom's been ranting about that when Dad's not around," said Timmy, "She says Dad's letting his YouTube channel got to pot, whatever that means."
"Whoa," said Q, "Your dad's turning into Mr. Lane."
As the kids went upstairs Jim, having overheard, looked rattled.
Master bedroom, evening...
Quinn and Jim sat up in bed, preparing to go to sleep for the night. She noticed the morose look on her husband's face.
"Jim, honey, what's wrong?"
Jim sighed. "I'm turning into Trent," he lamented.
Quinn sighed. "Um...well..." She struggled to find a way to be honest without offending Jim. "...um...Look, Jim, ever since you lost your passion for cars you've just been lying around all day. I get that it's gone from being a calling to being some mundane thing, but you...Well, you seem to be getting lazier by the day."
"Gee, thanks," replied Jim in a sarcastic tone.
"Well, I'm sorry," said Quinn, "I've never seen you fail before. I don't know how to pity you without offending you."
Jim sighed. "It's true. I'm turning into Jane's lazy-ass brother. I tried shifting the focus of my channel and the clicks and likes have fallen way off as a result. My channel isn't even on most feeds anymore. That's why I haven't made a new video since December." Jim let out a resigned sigh. "I have no choice. I have to get a regular nine-to-five."
Quinn had some reservations and proceeded to say so. "Jim, are you sure about that? I mean, you've been your own boss for the last seventeen years. How do you explain a gap like that on a resume, because you know most hiring managers consider self-employment the same thing as unemployment?"
"I get that," said Jim, "But I don't see any alternative. It's been months since I could come up with anything that people are interested in for YouTube. Now, it's at the point where I'm turning into a lazy bum. Either I get a real job, or I stay on this downward spiral."
Quinn had to admit that her husband had a point.
"Okay, but the odds of you actually landing a decent job are pretty slim." Suddenly, Quinn got an idea. "Tell you what, Jim. Tomorrow I'm meeting with the new sponsors again. I could ask them to give you a job."
Jim had his own reservations. "You sure? It kinda feels like I'm just passing the buck to you."
Quinn shrugged this off. "Jim, I signed on for better or for worse, so of course I'm gonna help you outta the worse."
Jim smiled. "Thanks, babe. Who is this sponsor?"
"AvTech," Quinn answered, "They're a major technologies firm. They started out in aviation, hence the name, but have since diversified into everything. You name it, AvTech makes it, and what they don't make they can invent. At the very least, a stint working for them could reignite your passion for machines."
Jim liked the sound of that and proceeded to say so. "Sounds good."
"Duh," said Quinn, "It's the slogan I'm gonna have to say in the videos they sponsor."
Jim stifled a chuckle.
Downtown Philadelphia, the next day...
Quinn was in the office of AvTech's CEO. The office was a very ornate penthouse suite with a commanding view of the city. Quinn sat in front of the CEO's large mahogany desk while the CEO sat behind it in a large leather chair. The CEO, a balding and overweight man of fifty years, was staring lustfully at Quinn. Quinn noticed the leering but said nothing. Quite the contrary, she was counting on him being attracted to her as it meant she could flirt some extra goodies into the endorsement deal that they were working on.
"So," said the CEO, "What do you think of my proposal?"
"It's nice," said Quinn in a flirty tone, "But not as nice as you."
The CEO blushed, which Quinn noticed.
Works every time thought the smirking Quinn. "Actually, I was wondering if..."
"I'd love to take you out to dinner," the CEO blurted like a lovesick puppy.
"No," said Quinn, "It's sweet of you to offer, and I would go out with you but..." Quinn held up her wedding ring.
The CEO sank in his chair. Quinn responded by giving him some false hope.
"It doesn't mean we can't be friends, though."
That gave the man a second wind. "I'd love that! Is there anything I can do to...I mean for you."
Trying not to laugh, Quinn said, "There is one thing."
"Name it," said the CEO in an eager tone more befitting a horny teenager than a captain of industry.
I am tooooo good at this thought Quinn with a triumphant smirk on her face.
Lawndale, a few hours later...
Jim was in his basement man-cave watching the pigskin channel when an excited Quinn entered.
"Good news, honey," said Quinn, "I got you a job!"
Jim excitedly leapt up from his seat and did a fist pump.
"Yes!" He then ran over to his wife and kissed her. "Thanks, babe," he said, "What am I doing? Research and development, or do they want me in manufacturing?"
Quinn suddenly frowned. "I'm sorry, babe, but to get you a job that cool I probably would've had to actually go on a date with the CEO or maybe even sleep with him." She followed that up with a shudder. "Since I'm not willing to cheat on you, especially with a bald fat guy, I was only able to convince him to give you something in accounting."
Jim frowned. "Well, better than nothing."
Quinn tried to see the bright side. "Relax, babe," she said, "You used to be a stockbroker. This job is right up your alley. In fact..." Both Quinn's eyes and voice became very seductive. "...I was hoping we could celebrate."
"How," asked Jim in a sly tone, knowing he's probably going to get laid that evening.
"Well," said Quinn, "Since you don't start until Monday, why don't we spend tonight making each other's hottest fantasies come true? In fact, you can take me any way you want..." She licked her lips sensually. "...sexy."
Of course, they spent most of the evening having some of the best sex ever.
Monday morning...
Quinn and the triplets were at the kitchen table having breakfast before they go to school, and she sets up to make another S'mores 'n' Pores video. Jim was notably absent. Timmy was the first to remark on Jim not being present.
"Mom, where's Dad?"
Quinn explained. "Your father left for work about twenty minutes ago. He wants to make a good first impression by showing up early."
"I can't believe Dad got a job at AvTech," said Tommy, "That's so geeky!"
"What's he doing there," asked Teddy.
"Your father's new job is in accounting," Quinn answered.
"He's a professional math nerd," said a mortified Tommy, "That's really gonna cost me some status points!"
"And having an unemployed father didn't," Teddy deadpanned.
"Shut up, brain," Tommy barked.
"Boy's," Quinn hissed ominously, prompting Tommy and Teddy to stop sniping at each other.
"I think Dad's new job is cool," said Timmy, "AvTech makes all those cool gadgets! He must be having a lot of fun right now!"
Somewhere on I-95, at that very moment...
Jim's Camaro was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Inside, Jim was rapidly losing his patience.
"COME ON," he shouted as he beat the horn angrily, "I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK, YOU ASSHOLES!"
AvTech headquarters, more than an hour later...
The head of accounting, a forty-something redhead with thick-rimmed glasses named Mrs. Pullman was standing by the elevator and angrily looked at her watch. Suddenly, the elevator doors opened, and an out-of-breath Jim stumbled out, having run all the way from his car.
"You're late, Mr. Carbone," said Pullman as she pointed at her watch.
"Sorry," said Jim, "Traffic on I-95 was hell and I had to park a block away from the building."
"Well," said Pullman with an insincere smile, "Since it's your first day, I'm willing to let it slide, but don't be late again."
"Yes, ma'am," said Jim.
"Please," she said with insincere friendliness, "Call me Mrs. Pullman." She then looked at Jim's business-casual attire and scowled for a second. "No tie, and..." She buttoned his collar so tight that Jim felt like he was choking. "...you have to keep your shirt fully buttoned at all times. Again, it's your first day, so I'll let the dress code violations slide this once."
Jim let out a forlorn sigh, remembering more and more how much he hated working in the corporate world during his days with Grace, Sloan and Paige.
"Come on," said Mrs. Pullman as she turned and walked, "Let me show you to your workstation."
As Mrs. Pullman led Jim to his workspace he took note of his surroundings. The ceiling was wall to wall fluorescent lights with an unforgiving glare and annoying hum and the room was an endless sea of cubicles occupied by people typing away like mindless office machines. Damn, no avenue of escape from this soul-crushing pit!
Finally, they reached an empty cubicle.
"Here you are, Mr. Carbone," said Mrs. Pullman, "Your new home away from home. First, I want you to alphabetize all of our invoices from last quarter, then come see me for your next assignment."
"Okay," said an increasingly disappointed Jim as he sat down to do what was basically pointless busywork.
"Welcome to AvTech," said a smiling Mrs. Pullman as she walked away.
Jim felt more and more of his soul die as he took in his lifeless surroundings before proceeding to do a long, tedious task.
Casa Carbone, evening...
A visibly exhausted Jim sat up in bed and sighed.
"Sorry I didn't get home until after dinner," said Jim, "But I was half-an-hour late getting to work because of traffic and was given a task that took me until 8:00 in the evening to finish, and they're not giving me the overtime as punishment for the tardiness and dress code violations."
"Poor boy," came Quinn's voice from inside the walk-in closet, "But maybe I can do something to make my working stud of a man feel better."
Quinn emerged from the closet in a skimpy red nightie that was transparent enough for Jim to make out his wife's naughty bits. Normally, he'd be all over his wife upon seeing her like that, but tonight he was so exhausted that even a Playmate wouldn't be able to turn him on.
"Quinn," said Jim with an eyeroll, "not tonight, I have a headache."
The irony was not lost on Quinn.
"Isn't that my line?"
Jim sighed. "Quinn, I'm too wiped for sex. I'd rather just go to sleep."
Quinn looked dejected. "Come on, Jim. Normally, you're always ready to get down when I'm horny."
"Sorry," said Jim, "But I had an exhausting day. Can we do this tomorrow night?"
"Fine," Quinn huffed as she reached into the nightstand and pulled out a vibrator, "I'll service myself!"
As Quinn angrily stormed into the bathroom for a self-love session, Jim promptly went to sleep, and rejecting his hot wife's advances would only be the beginning of Jim's new job changing him in ways that no one likes.
Act II
Casa Carbone, early morning...
At 5:30 AM the alarm clock on Jim's side of the bed goes off. Jim groaned, hit the off switch and got out of bed with a resigned sigh.
Music: "Why Don't You Get a Job" by The Offspring
My friend's got a girlfriend, and he hates that bitch.
Jim was in the shower with a forlorn expression on his face.
He tells me about her every day
Jim's leaving for work while everyone else is still asleep and it's still dark outside.
She wants more dinero just to stay at home
Quinn wakes up to find her husband not in bed. Jim's on 1-95 heading downtown Philadelphia by this point.
She sits on her ass he works his hands to the bone.
Jim is at his cubicle itemizing invoices. The clock reads 9:00, and he's already exhausted.
To give her money every pay day.
By noon, Jim discovers he'll have to eat lunch at his desk because his new boss, Mrs. Pullman has just dumped a bunch of other work on his desk.
Well, my friend, you gotta say...
Jim's still chained to his desk, chugging an energy drink right as Mrs. Pullman dumps another mountain of work on his desk.
I won't pay
I won't pay ya
No waaay
Na, na, why don't you get a job
It's five o'clock and Jim's happy to go home. As he gets up from his desk, Mrs. Pullman suddenly approaches. She shakes her head before dumping yet another mountain of paperwork on his desk.
Say no way
Say no way
Saaay no way
Na, na, why don't you get a job
Quinn and the boys are at the kitchen table eating dinner. She, their sons and the family dog, Stripe, are all visibly disappointed that Jim's still not home from work. By the time he does come home it's so late that everyone's in bed.
Wednesday...
Jim's third day plays out exactly the same way, only this time it's past midnight by the time he gets home. Quinn is becoming increasingly upset that her husband only ever comes home to sleep now.
Thursday...
Same thing as the previous day. On his drive home, well after sunset, Jim looks like he could snap and go psycho at any moment. Indeed, when he does get home he's immediately confronted by Quinn, angered that her husband is blowing them off for his new job and deaf to Jim's efforts to point out that his new boss isn't allowing him any say in the matter.
Friday...
Kevin, Jamie, Chuck, Chris and Adam are hanging out on Kevin's porch, visibly wondering where the hell Jim is. Meanwhile, Jim is still at the office, buried in a mountain of work.
End montage...
Jim sits at his desk and breathes a huge sigh of relief. He then looks at the clock and is further relieved that it's only 5:00 PM.
Thank God, Jim thought, I'll actually make it home in time for dinner tonight. Not only that, but since it's Friday, I won't have to endure this tomorrow.
Jim's relief was very short lived, as Mrs. Pullman approaches.
"Jim," she said, "Mark's using his vacation time, so I'm gonna need you to come in on both Saturday and Sunday."
Jim looked like he'd just been stabbed in the gut.
Casa Carbone, that evening...
The whole family was seated at the kitchen table having dinner. The situation was tense as an angry Jim explained how he had to spend his weekend.
"...so now I have to spend my whole weekend at the goddamn office covering for a colleague I don't even know!"
"So," Teddy remarked, "You're gonna be working 90-hour weeks from now on, like most people."
"Shut up, Teddy," Jim barked.
"HEY," Quinn clapped back, "Don't take your frustration out on our kids!"
Suddenly, the dog came up to Jim and nudged him. Stripe missed having her favorite human around.
"Not now, Stripe," Jim practically growled.
The dog placed a paw on Jim's knee and looked at him with pleading eyes.
"GODDAMMIT, STRIPE," Jim yelled, "NOT NOW!"
Everyone else gasped in shock as Jim is normally very loving and affectionate towards the dog. Stripe even pulled away from him, which was a first. Seeing how his behavior was affecting everyone, Jim calmed down.
"I'm sorry," said Jim, "That was the caffeine, and the fluorescent lights, and the horrendous commute, and the twelve-hour workdays, and the excruciating headache!"
"Jim," said Quinn, "Make some time for your family and friends. We haven't seen you all week because you're working fifteen-hour days. Even the guys are starting to complain that you aren't around anymore. You need to regain a work-life balance."
"Oh, sure," said Jim in a sarcastic and hostile tone, "We'd all like to have work/life balance, but in the real world people have to work all day, every day or Mrs. Pullman won't let them wear a t-shirt and jeans on casual Friday! I FREAKING HATE MY LIFE!"
"You know," said Teddy, "You could just quit. I mean, it's not like you're the sole breadwinner."
"I'd love to quit," said Jim, "If it didn't make me a total bum. Not only that, but Mrs. Pullman has made it clear that loyalty to AvTech comes before everything. I quit and I'll be blackballed so hard that I won't even be able to get a job flipping burgers!"
Everyone gave Jim a sympathetic look. In order to avoid turning into Trent, he's allowed himself to be trapped in a soul-crushing, life-sucking job that he clearly hates. Quinn and the boys were also visibly worried as Jim seems to be closer to snapping by the day.
AvTech headquarters, three days later...
Mrs. Pullman was standing in one of the corridors talking to two colleagues. One was a brown-haired man who was in charge of marketing, the other was a nerdy-looking blonde who was in charge of research and development. Each of them was looking at a list of names.
"No way," said the head of R and D, "Layoffs!?"
"Afraid so," said the head of marketing, "I was given a list of people to let go when I came in this morning. Half the people on it are my best friends. How am I gonna tell them that I have to fire them?"
"Well," said the R and D head as he looked at his list, "If it's any consolation, I'm being forced to fire my own brother."
Mrs. Pullman looked at her list and frowned. "I can't fire Frank! I'm too sentimental. We had a brief affair back in the 2000's."
It was at this point that Jim walked by, having just gotten a drink from the vending machine. Mrs. Pullman saw him and smirked as she got an idea.
"JIM," she called out.
Jim let out a defeated sigh as he turned to face his boss.
"Yes, Mrs. Pullman?"
"Do you know Frank Williams?"
"Met him once," said Jim, "To be honest, I find his overy cheerful demeanor kinda annoying."
"Well," said a grinning Mrs. Pullman, "It's like this, all the department heads were given a list of people we were supposed to lay off this morning."
Jim was instantly nervous (yet somewhat hopeful at the same time).
"Don't worry," Mrs. Pullman reassured, "You're not on it, but Frank is. See, Frank and I have some history which makes it really difficult for me to fire him. Since you have no feelings for him one way or the other, how'd you like to be the one to tell him he's fired?"
Jim didn't like this one bit. "That's it! I'm being forced to work 90-hours for 40-hours pay, and now you want me to do YOUR job for you!?"
Mrs. Pullman folded her arms. "I don't care for your tone, Carbone."
Jim sighed in frustration. "What's in it for me?"
"Keep your job," Pullman offered.
"What else," asked Jim, now beyond caring if she retaliates for his sticking up for himself.
"Well," Pullman offered, "You do this and I won't make you work extra hours for the rest of this week. You'll actually be able to spend time with your wife and kids."
Jim grinned, though his grin now had an evil quality to it.
Frank's office, a short time later...
Frank was a pudgy man with short brown hair and glasses. He was sitting at his desk doing paperwork when Jim charged in.
"Hey, Jim," said a smiling Frank in acknowledgement, "What's going on?"
"You're fired," Jim barked, "That's what's going on!"
Frank laughed, clearly thinking that this is a joke.
"Good one, Jim."
"Do I look like I'm joking," said Jim with a scowl. He then handed Frank the pink slip. "Here you go!"
Frank's face lost all color as he realized that he was in fact losing his job.
"No," Frank begged, "Please! My wife's pregnant with twins, I need this job!"
"Not my problem," Jim said coldly as he pointed towards the open door, "Pack your things, and then get the hell outta here!"
Frank was so distraught that he started crying.
Jim responded by twisting the knife. "You gonna cry about it now, ya goddamn pussy!?"
That's when Mrs. Pullman peeked in. "I'm sorry, Frank," she lied, "I fought for you, but the exec's minds are made up."
Frank gathered up his personal belongings and ran out crying.
"Jim," said an impressed Mrs. Pullman, "That was very good. In fact, how'd you like this to be your new job?"
Jim's eyes lit up. "You know, laying into him like that was very cathartic."
"Exactly," said Mrs. Pullman, "I can pull some strings and get you re-assigned as the new head of Human Resources. You'll only have to work from 9 to 3 on weekdays, double your salary AND won't be penalized for taking your vacation time."
Jim loved the sound of that.
Casa Carbone, a few hours later...
Quinn was in the kitchen taking down her video equipment, having just made another S'mores 'n' Pores video, when she heard the front door open.
"HI, HONEY," called Jim from the living room, "I'M HOME!"
Stunned, Quinn dropped what she was doing and walked to the living room.
"Jim," she said in shock, "It's not even six yet!"
"Good news," said a smiling Jim, "Guess who got promoted at work today!"
Quinn's face lit up. "Really!? That's wonderful!"
"I know," said Jim, "No more fifteen-hour days, no more working on the weekend! I now have time for a life outside of my job!"
"Oh, Jim," said Quinn as she threw her arms around her husband, "I missed you so much!"
They kissed. After the kiss, Jim spoke.
"After dinner, send the boys to your parents so we can celebrate."
Visibly turned on, Quinn said, "Now you're talking!"
With that, they made their way down to the basement to start their celebration with a quickie in the laundry room.
AvTech, the next day...
Jim was strutting among the cubicles, his eyes scanning the workers like a predator looking for prey. He finally zeroed in on a black man in one of the cubicles.
"Hey, Mike," said Jim as he approached the cubicle.
"Hey, Jim," replied Mike in response, "Congratulations on your promotion!"
Jim whipped out a pink slip. "Congratulations on your termination notice, you're fired!"
Mike had a despondent frown as Jim walked away laughing sadistically.
Later, Jim approached another cubicle. This one was manned by a skinny man with thick glasses.
"Hey, Vince," said Jim in a sadistic tone, "Good news, you're fired!"
As Vince took the pink slip, he frowned in disappointment.
"You said it was good news!?"
"For me," replied Jim in a condescending tone, "Not for you. See ya, don't wanna be ya!"
Jim walked away laughing while Vince sulked in his cubicle.
It went on like this for several days, Jim either prowling the cubicles for victims or summoning people into his new office just to fire them in the cruelest manner possible.
Jim's office...
Jim sat behind his desk with a visible air of superiority when a nervous man entered. By now, Jim's reputation as the office terminator was enough to make everyone scared.
"You...You wanted to see me, Mr. Carbone?"
Nodding, Jim cut right to the chase.
"Winters, how long have you been with this company?"
"It'll be fourteen years next week," Winters proudly bragged.
"No," said Jim in a cutting tone, "It won't. You're fired!"
Winters shuffled out of the office. Jim, clearly on a major power trip, soaked up the man's misery as if it were a source of sustenance.
(Author's note: That's how you turn a good person into a sadistic psycho. First, you push that person past his/her breaking point. Then, after said person snaps, you put him/her in a position of power.)
A few days later...
Jim was showing his new office off to Quinn and their two best friends, Chuck and Stacy.
"Thanks for inviting us for lunch," said Chuck.
Jim shrugged off the thanks. "Don't mention it. It's the least I can do for old friends." Jim then reached into his desk and pulled out a set of keys. "By the way, anyone need to hit the bathroom before we head out?"
"Jim," said an amazed Stacy, "Are those...?"
Jim nodded proudly. "Yep, the keys to the executive wash room."
"Told you his new job was awesome," Quinn bragged, clearly not aware of what a jerk it's turned him into.
"I've been anchor for almost three years," said an impressed Stacy, "And they still won't give me the keys at the station!"
"You know," said Chuck, "I could use a trip to the bathroom."
Jim smirked sadistically. "Too bad, I only made the offer so I could see the look on your faces when I retracted it."
"Whoa," said a disappointed Chuck, "Not cool, Jim."
"Jim," said a shocked Quinn, "What the hell's gotten into you!?"
Suddenly, Jim remembered something.
"Excuse me, there's just one more little thing I have to do before we head out."
He then pressed the talk button on his desk intercom.
"Send in Peterson."
A few seconds later, John Peterson, a man in his thirties with olive skin and black hair entered the office.
"You...you wanted to see me, Mr. Carbone," said the VERY nervous Peterson.
"John," said Jim with a sadistic grin, "You have ten seconds to tell me why you should remain employed at AvTech."
"Um..well...uh...hoboy..."
Jim didn't even give him the full ten seconds.
"Not good enough, John. You're fired! Get outta my sight!"
John pleaded. "But...but..."
"GET FREAKING LOST," Jim barked.
As John ran out crying, Jim visibly took sick pleasure in the man's distress.
"JIM," said a shocked and horrified Quinn, "What the hell!? You just fired a man out of pure spite!"
"Exactly," said Jim, "I used to wonder how Sandi could be such a cruel bitch, now I know. It's just too much fun."
"Um...Quinn," said Stacy, "Can we do lunch some other time? I suddenly don't have much of an appetite."
"Jim," said Chuck, "I hate to say it, but you've kinda turned into an asshole."
"Then," said Jim, "Maybe I should fire you as my friend."
Chuck and Stacy nervously left the room. Once it was just her and Jim, Quinn let her husband have it.
"Dammit, Jim," she hissed, "Those are our two oldest friends, and you're treating them like shit just to make yourself feel better."
"Yeah," said Jim, "So?"
"UGH," said Quinn as she threw her arms up in frustration. "Chuck's right, Jim! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!"
With that, Quinn angrily stormed out of the office.
"YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT SEX TONIGHT," Jim shouted out the door at her, "AND SEND ME THE JANITOR! I SUDDENLY WANNA FIRE HIS ASS TOO!"
Act III
Casa Carbone, evening...
Quinn was in her home office talking on her phone.
"...he's just completely changed, and I don't know what to do about it!"
Meanwhile, in New York City's Hell's Kitchen...
Daria was in her small apartment talking on the phone with Quinn.
"So you called me," said the cynic-turned-TV-writer.
"Yeah," replied Quinn on her end, "I mean, you're smarter than I am, so maybe you have some advice, maybe an idea that hasn't occurred to me."
"Well," said Daria, "It sounds to me like the pressure Jim's under snapped him and he's venting his frustration by going on a serious power trip."
"The worst part," said Quinn, "Is that this is kinda my fault. I pointed out to Jim that since he lost his passion for cars and YouTube he was starting to turn into Trent."
"So," Daria deadpanned, "He went and got a job that turned him into Mom instead."
Quinn stifled a giggle. "Pretty much. It doesn't help that I was the one who convinced AvTech to give him an accounting job in the first place. They worked him so long and hard that he was leaving for work before the rest of us were awake and wouldn't come home until after the kids were already in bed. We hardly ever saw him. Then, they made him the head of HR and that turned him into a cruel asshole who takes pleasure in other people's misery. I didn't want my husband to turn into a lazy bum, but I didn't want him to turn into a workaholic jerk either."
"Sounds like your husband was corrupted by a toxic work culture," said Daria, "He took a job that consumed his whole life and then they decided to unleash Jim's bitterness and frustration on everyone else. That's the way cults convert new members. It's brainwashing 101."
"Could you give me a lesson in deprogramming 101," Quinn asked, "'Cause I REALLY want the old Jim back."
"Well," said Daria, "Here's an idea..."
Casa Carbone...
Quinn's eyes lit up as she listened.
"That's a great idea! Thanks, Daria!"
"Don't mention it," said Daria over the phone, "Ever."
Quinn stifled a giggle. "Bye, sis!"
"Bye, Quinn."
They both hung up.
AvTech, the next day...
Music: "Espresso" by Sabrina Carpenter
Jim sat at his fancy new desk in his fancy new office drinking coffee from a thermos. After the first gulp, his desk intercom buzzed. Slightly annoyed, Jim pressed the talk button.
"If you wanna keep your job," he growled, "Then this had better be good."
"M...Mr. Carbone," came the frightened female voice on the intercom, "Your wife's here to see you."
"Send her in," said Jim in a voice that showed some of his old humanity.
The door opened and not only was Quinn there, but so were Kevin, Jamie, Chuck, Adam and Chris. Jim gasped in shock.
"Quinn," said Jim, "The receptionist said it was just you!"
"I told her to tell you that," said Quinn in a stern tone, "and if you fire her for this then you WILL be sleeping on the couch indefinitely."
"Whoa," said Kevin as he took in the surroundings, "Cool digs, dude!"
"Kevin," Jamie hissed, "Focus!"
"Yeah," added Chuck, "We have to keep on subject."
"What subject," asked Jim, "What the hell's going on here?"
"Jim," said Quinn, "This is your intervention."
Jim was stunned. "Intervention!?"
"Yes," said Quinn, "Intervention!"
"Funny," said Jim, "I don't recall being a junkie or alcoholic."
"Jim," said Adam, "It's come to our attention that you're addicted to power."
"I've seen you abuse the hell out of it already," added Chuck.
"You've got a problem," said Chris, "And we're here to fix it."
"That's rich," said Jim, "Coming from a lonely, chronically depressed drunk."
"Jim," said Quinn, "This job has turned you into something I can't stand. You used to be a decent man who'd go the extra mile for his friends and family. Now, we hardly ever see you and, when we do, you're a total jerk. In fact, you used to take pleasure in doing the right thing. Now, you only seem to take pleasure in being cruel. Jim, I love you, but I don't love what this company has turned you into. I want my husband back."
"I want my brother back," said Chris.
"And, like," added Kevin, "We want our friend back. I mean, who else is gonna save me when I, like, do something stupid?"
"And who's gonna calm me down when I start ranting about my students," asked Jamie in turn.
"You know," said Adam, "I miss the days when you and I would go to scrap yards looking for junkers for you to fix on your YouTube channel. In fact, I found something in a junkyard in Oakwood yesterday that you might be interested in. Won't you come with me to check it out after you get off work?"
Added Chuck, "And don't you miss being self-employed? I love having a job that allows me to set my own hours."
"Look, guys," said Jim, "I've lost my passion for cars. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here in the first place. I hate it, but I'm stuck. The only time it doesn't bother me is when I'm making other people feel as shitty as I do."
"Quit, Jim," said Quinn, "You work in a toxic place, and it's turning you into a toxic person."
Before the conversation could continue, Jim's desktop intercom buzzed.
"Excuse me." He pressed the talk button. "Yes."
"Mrs. Pullman is here to see you."
"Send her in."
A few seconds later, Mrs. Pullman entered.
"Hey, Jim, I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"No," said Jim, "These people were just leaving."
Quinn and the guys all let out defeated sighs.
Accounting, a few minutes later...
Jim and Mrs. Pullman were walking among the cubicles and talking.
"So," said Jim, "You want me to fire the new receptionist because she's annoying?"
Mrs. Pullman nodded. "I'd do it myself, but she's also married with kids, and I can't bring myself to fire her. Damn sentimental streak."
"Say no more," said Jim as he approached the entrance to Mrs. Pullman's office.
In front of the office was a brunette in her early thirties, Heather Wilkes. Jim walked right up to her. She froze with fear as she saw the office terminator towering over her.
"eep!"
"Heather," said Jim with a sadistic grin, "You're fired!"
Heather was devastated.
"P...please, I need this job!"
"Save it for someone who cares," Jim growled menacingly.
"I'm sorry," Mrs. Pullman lied, "Orders from above."
"Is this because I'm a little late," asked Heather, "I'm sorry, but I had car trouble."
That reawakened something inside of Jim.
"What kind of car trouble?"
"It took forever to start this morning," Heather answered.
"Well," said Jim to everyone's surprise (including his own), "Let's have a look."
The parking garage, a short time later...
Heather was in her car, a 2006 Chevy Impala, while Jim and Mrs. Pullman stood by.
"Aright," Jim commanded, "Crank her up!"
Heather tried to start her car, but it struggled to get going. Jim saw the smoke coming from under the front bumper and knew right away what the problem was.
"Okay, that's enough," said Jim.
As Heather stopped trying to start her car, Jim whipped out his I-Phone.
"Leslie," he said, "Clear my schedule. I have to deal with an emergency."
Montage scene...
Music: "Mission Impossible"
Jim opens the trunk of his Camaro to retrieve his tools.
Jim is disconnecting the battery in Heather's car. He then takes the battery out while explaining to both Heather and Mrs. Pullman why you should remove the battery.
"You handle a starter while the battery's connected, and you're gonna be electrocuted."
Next, Jim is assembling the 3-ton jack that he keeps in his Camaro (one of several that he owns). Once assembled, Jim slides the jack under Heather's car and jacks it up high enough for them all to safely slide under it. He then lays a large towel under the elevated front end.
Next, we see all three of them under Heather's car. Jim was pointing out the starter. He then disconnects and removes it, happily explaining the whole process to Heather and Mrs. Pullman as he does.
Next, Jim's showing the fried starter to Heather and Mrs. Pullman.
Next, Jim, Heather and Mrs. Pullman are at a nearby auto parts store buying a new starter.
Next, Jim is putting in the new starter while showing Heather and Mrs. Pullman how it's done.
Finally, with everything re-attached and the car lowered, Heather turns the key in the ignition. It starts right up.
End montage.
"And that's how you change the starter on a 2006 Impala," said Jim.
Heather happily shut off her car, exited and hugged Jim.
"OH, Jim, thank you so much!"
"Don't mention it," said Jim, "It was actually fun, especially explaining to you ladies how it's done."
Heather released Jim and frowned.
"I'm still fired, aren't I?"
"Not by me," said Jim, "You're still employed here."
Jim then turned to Mrs. Pullman.
"Mrs. Pullman, do your own firing," said Jim, "And tell the CEO I quit!"
Mrs. Pullman was shocked. "What!?"
"You heard me," said Jim, "I'm done being the company attack dog!"
"Are you sure," asked Mrs. Pullman, "You're the best HR director we've ever had, and I'm talking all the way back to when we were called AvCo."
"Look," said Jim, "Ruining other people's lives may be cathartic, but it's a poor substitute for doing something you love."
Jim then gathered up his tools and walked away, with no intention of ever returning to AvTech.
"He'll be back," said a smug Mrs. Pullman.
"I don't know," said Heather, "He seemed pretty serious to me."
"He has to come back and clean out his desk," explained Mrs. Pullman, "By the way, Heather, you're fired."
Heather frowned.
Quinn's Roaster, a few days later...
Mr. Chafee, the man who manages the restaurant that Quinn and Jim co-own, was in his office when the door suddenly swung open.
"Hey, what the hell..."
He stopped speaking when he saw both Jim and Quinn standing right there.
"...OH, Mr. and Mrs. Carbone! What brings you guys here?"
"Your treatment of our staff," said Quinn, "That's what! I just spent three weeks seeing my husband transformed beyond recognition by a toxic workplace."
Added Jim, "After I quit, it occurred to me that I had it pretty good before. Now, I seem to recall you mistreating my father when he worked here a few months back."
Quinn went on. "I've been talking to staff, and Tony Carbone's far from your only victim."
"Mr. Chafee," said a smirking Jim, "YOU'RE FIRED!"
"WHAT," exclaimed Chafee, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
"Oh, yes, we can," said Quinn, "See, my husband and I own the restaurant. You just manage it day to day."
Jim went on. "We like to put people before profits. That's been our mantra since day one."
"But," Chafee begged, "Who'll run this place for you on a daily basis?"
"We've thought of that," said a smirking Quinn.
She and Jim then stepped aside and who should walk in but Heather.
Jim explained. "Since we don't want you turning this into another toxic workplace, we've decided to give your job to someone who was just fired from a place like that."
Heather smiled. "Thanks, guys. You two really are my saviors."
"You're welcome," said Quinn.
Jim suddenly looked at his watch.
"I gotta go. Adam found something in a scrapyard that he thinks I might enjoy restoring."
Quinn smiled. "Glad to have you back, Jim."
Added Heather, "Quinn and I can take it from here."
A local scrapyard, a few hours later...
Jim salivated at the rusted black 1974 Ford Mustang GT Adam was showing him.
"So," said Adam, "What do you think?"
Jim smiled. "I think I can turn this into a pristine replica of Mad Max's V8 Interceptor!"
"Welcome back, buddy," said Adam with a smile.
Indeed, Jim's passion for cars and YouTube was back with a vengeance.
End Chapter.