Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"Death of a Muscle Car"
written by
WildDogJJ
Casa Carbone, day...
Quinn, Jim, their son Timmy and his girlfriend Q were gathered in the driveway. Jim was less than thrilled.
"You know, Quinn," said Jim, "When you insisted that we take Timmy and Q to see a movie, I was under the impression said movie wouldn't be a chick flick."
"Jim," said Quinn, "You need to spend more time with Timmy. I mean, you let Tommy work on cars with you and Teddy prefers to be left alone. You and I going on a double date with Timmy and Q is a great way for you to bond."
"But," said Jim, "I'd rather Timmy and I bond over a common interest, not a double date to a chick flick."
"Jim," said Quinn, "Just because Flowers of Life takes place on a rose farm doesn't mean it's a chick flick."
Jim gives his wife a 'who-are-you-kidding' look. "Let's just get in the car and get this over with."
"TO THE FLOWERS OF LIFE," Timmy chanted.
While Q giggled, Jim blushed with embarrassment.
"Just get in the car, Timmy."
With that, Timmy and Q climb into the back of Jim's Camaro. Then, Quinn enters the front passenger side while Jim enters the driver's side. Once in the car, Jim puts his keys in the ignition and turns, but all that happens is that the car makes week noises and sputters to a stop.
"Not again," said Jim, "I just put in a new battery!"
Jim then popped the trunk (2016 Camaro's car battery is located in the trunk next to the spare tire, rather than the engine compartment) and exited the car. A few seconds later, he came out of the garage with one of his battery charge readers. He put the pins on the charge reader and looked.
"What the hell," said Jim, "According to this, the charge is still good. Maybe it's the starter."
One hour later...
The Camaro was jacked up and Jim was under it installing a new starter.
"That oughta do it."
Jim rolled out from under the car, made his way to the back and reconnected the battery.
"Fire it up, Quinn!"
Quinn reached over and started the car. It started right up.
"Yes," said Jim with a fist pump.
Suddenly, the engine died.
"NO!"
Timmy looked at his watch.
"Dad, we missed the show."
Added Q, "We can still make the next showing, though."
"Jim, honey," said Quinn, "Why don't we just go in my car?"
"Quinn," said Jim, "I need to figure out what's wrong. If it's not the battery or the starter, then it's gotta be the sparkplugs."
"Jim," Quinn insisted, "You can work on the car AFTER we take Timmy and Q to see that movie!"
"But..."
"Not negotiable," Quinn insisted in a manner eerily reminiscent of Helen.
"Fine," said Jim.
The movie theater, later...
Jim, Quinn, Timmy and Q were seated in the theater watching the movie Flowers of Time. Jim was visibly uncomfortable.
"You know," whispered Jim, "I think Timmy and I are the only guys in this theater."
"No," Quinn whispered back as she pointed a few rows down, "See those two guys in front, with the neatly trimmed mustaches and loud, festive shirts."
Jim rolled his eyes rather than point out that those guys are obviously a gay couple. He then turned his attention back to what was on the screen.
On the screen, an elderly man was pinned under an overturned tractor while his son tries, and fails, to get him out.
"URGH...come...on..."
"Son," said the old man, "I...hack...I'm done...n...cough...not...gonna...make...it..."
"Don't say that, Dad," said the son, "I...I gotta save you!"
"I...wheeze...it's too late for...m...me...son," said the old man, "J...Promise...me...take...care...of...farm..."
"Dad, please don't go," said the panicked son, "I love you!"
"I...hack...love...you...too...son..."
With that, the old man died. The son cried out in grief.
"DAD, NOOOOOOO!"
In the audience, Jim was so moved by the scene that a stray tear began to roll down his cheek. Next, Jim sniffled. Finally, he started crying in earnest.
Quinn saw this. "Oh...my...God! Jim, are you crying!?"
Jim immediately forced himself to stop crying. "NO!"
The parking lot, later...
They're all making their way to Quinn's Cadillac.
"Quinn," said Jim in a forceful tone, "Gimmie the keys to the Cadillac, I'm driving!"
"Excuse me," said a put off Quinn, "It's MY car!"
"Quinn," Jim growled, "Just let me drive!"
"Dad," said Timmy, "are you mad because you cried during the movie?"
"NO," Jim barked angrily, "Quinn, just let me drive!"
Quinn sighed as she handed Jim the keys to the car, knowing that he wanted to drive because his crying episode had him feeling emasculated.
The next day...
Music: "All the Small Things" by Blink-182
Jim was driving his Camaro down the street. Fortunately, whatever was wrong the day before seemed to no longer be an issue.
Don't know what the hell was with this baby yesterday, Jim thought, but everything's working fine now. Must've just been some kinda fluke.
Suddenly, Jim noticed his windshield fogging up.
Weird, it's March and we usually don't get that humid until well into June.
Jim immediately turned on his windshield wipers so that he could see.
That's better.
It was then that the car started slowing down by itself.
What the hell!?
Then, Jim heard the warning dings coming from the dashboard. His face lost all color as he saw a check engine light and the temperature gauge was well into the red zone.
SHIT! I'M OVERHEATING!
Jim instantly pulled his car off to the side of the road and shut it off. He then stepped out and saw steam rising from the hood.
OH GOD NO!
Jim popped the hood and watched as a torrent of steam emerged from the engine compartment. He emerged from the car and looked at the steam.
Better give it a few minutes to cool off. I don't wanna burn my hands lifting the hood.
That was when Jim looked behind his Camaro and saw the trail of fluid leading up to and under the car.
I hope to God that isn't what I think it is.
Jim got on his hands and knees and looked under the Camaro's front end. What he saw confirmed his worst fears.
Dammit, the radiator's leaking! No wonder my car overheated!
Casa Carbone, evening...
Jim and Quinn sat up in bed, preparing to go to sleep. Quinn could tell that her husband had a lot on his mind.
"Jim, honey, what's wrong?"
"Well," Jim replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I figured out what's wrong with the Camaro. The bad news is that it's a leaky radiator. The starting issues were because the engine was running so hot that it fried a lot of connections. Fixing it's gonna take a lot of time and cost a lot of money."
"Or," said Quinn, "You could save both and just take it to Rowe Automotive."
Jim immediately shot down the idea. "Quinn, I'm a mechanic and there's NO way in hell I'm letting some other guy touch a machine that I've already put nine years of my own blood, sweat and tears into, and shame on you for even suggesting such a travesty! Shame on you!"
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Fine, be a testosterone drunk jerk! Let's change the subject."
"Good idea," said a relieved Jim.
"Jim," said Quinn, "about what happened at the movies yesterday..."
Jim interrupted. "Let's talk about something else!"
"Jim," Quinn said, "You were so moved by a touching movie scene that you cried. It's nothing to be ashamed...yet, strangely, I am."
"That makes two of us," said Jim, "So let's never speak of it again."
"Jim, I'm embarrassed," explained Quinn, "for the same reason you are. I married a man, not some emo punk."
"So," said Jim, "is raking me over the coals a new bedtime ritual or something?"
"No," said Quinn, "but I have some theories about why that scene made you cry."
"This oughta be rich," said Jim with an eyeroll.
"Jim," said Quinn, "It was during the scene where the farmer was crushed by a tractor and his son tried in vain to save him. Maybe, just maybe, it hit a little too close to home for you. Maybe, it reminded you of you and your father."
"No," Jim insisted in a defensive tone, "it didn't! My father and I have a complicated relationship, that's all!"
Quinn refused to back down. "Exactly! Your biggest fear is that your father will die without ever telling you he loves you!"
"No," Jim insisted, "It isn't!"
"Then," said Quinn, "It's about how you relate to our kids."
"Quinn," said Jim, "Have you been on WebMD again?"*
(Author's note: Don't self-diagnose on WebMD. That site will have you thinking every tick in your body is a cancer cell that could destroy you at any moment.)
"Yes," said Quinn, "and Psychology Today, which is where I got this theory from."
Jim spoke with Daria-like deadpan. "Because browsing websites makes you just as much of an expert as someone who has a doctorate in the subject."
"Well, think about it," said Quinn, "The only one you spend significant time with is Tommy. You rarely talk to Teddy and the only time you talk to Timmy it's to bark orders at him. Maybe, just maybe, you cried during that scene because it bothers you that you only bond with one of our kids and have strained relations with the other two."
Jim decided he'd had enough. "Look, Quinn, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but the fact of the matter is simply that I cried in a movie theater. Why? Don't know, don't care. I'd rather just put the humiliating episode behind me because I have more important matters to concern myself with. Good night, Quinn!"
Jim turned off the light and closed his eyes before Quinn could get another word in. Quinn responded by folding her arms and letting out a huff as she hates it when her husband gets uncomfortable enough to shut down a conversation before it's finished.
The next day...
Jim was in the garage working on his Camaro. He was surrounded by tripod mounted cameras that were recording the whole process. Jim looked right at one of the cameras.
"Today," he said, "We're gonna be fixing the cooling system on a 2016 Camaro ZL1."
Suddenly, Kevin, Jamie, Chuck and Chris entered the garage.
"Hey, crybaby," Kevin taunted.
"Dammit, guys," Jim barked, "Can't you see I'm making a YouTube video here!?"
"You gonna cry about the interruption too," Jamie taunted.
"Or," added Chuck, "Do you only cry while watching chick flicks?"
"That's it," Jim barked as he turned off the cameras, "What makes you guys think I was crying in a movie theater?"
"Q told me," said Chuck, "Then I told Stacy."
"Who told Nicole," added Jamie, "So she told me, then I told Chris."
Added Chris, "Then I told Kevin."
"And, I, like, told everybody," said Kevin.
"AHHH," groaned Jim, "So everybody and their mother knows now!? DAMMIT!"
Chris snickered. "Gonna have another crying fit, cry-baby brother?" He then resumed laughing.
"Says the man who cries almost every day over his ex-wife," Jim growled in response.
Chris immediately changed his tune. "Come on, guys. Maybe we should cut my brother some slack."
"Like, why," asked Kevin, "I mean, he cried during a chick movie." He turned his attention to Jim. "Isn't that right, girly-dude?"
"THAT'S IT," Jim barked, "Next guy who give me shit's getting his ass kicked."
That shut them all up as they knew Jim wasn't bluffing (and that none of them can take him in a fight).
After a second or two of awkward silence, Jamie spoke.
"Jim, what's wrong with the Camaro?"
Jim sighed.
"It's been acting weird lately. At first, I thought it was either the battery or the starter, then I found out the radiator's leaking. Apparently, the car's been overheating and that's been frying everything else. I'm trying to fix it."
"Dude," said Chuck, "That's a lot to fix, even for you."
"I know," said Jim, "That's why I'm making a YouTube video of the process. Until I get this fixed, I won't have time to work on anything else. Now, this stays in the garage, but..." Jim lowered his voice. "...Quinn wants me to take it to a mechanic."
The other four guys gasped in shock.
"You," said Jamie, "Take your own car to a mechanic!"
Added Chuck, "Quinn wants you to pay a stranger to get...grr, feisty...with YOUR machine."
"How long have you guys been married," asked Chris rhetorically.
"Exactly," said a nodding Jim, "This Camaro's been through nine years, three Presidents, two Eagles Super Bowl wins and ZERO mechanics. I might as well chop my sausage and meatballs off if I take my baby to a mechanic now."
"Like," said Kevin, "Didn't you already chop your nuts off the other day at the movies!?"
Kevin laughed so hard that he didn't see Jim ball up his fist. The laughter stopped only when Jim punched Kevin so hard that it knocked him out cold.
Home office, a few days later...
Jim had just finished uploading his new video when Quinn entered.
"So," said Quinn, "the Camaro's fixed."
Jim nodded. "It took me three days and a lot of trips to the auto parts store, mostly because GM doesn't make the parts anymore, so I had to special order them, but yes, the Camaro's fixed." Jim held up his car keys. "Care to join me for a Sunday drive?"
The road, a short time later...
Jim was driving his fixed Camaro while Quinn rode shotgun.
"Jim," said Quinn, "I'm sorry I suggested taking this car to a mechanic. I should know better than to doubt you at this point."
"Apology accepted," said a smiling Jim.
It was at this point that they came up to an intersection. While stopped at the red light, Quinn asked another question.
"So, where are we going?"
"I figure a drive to the shore and back," said Jim, "We can walk on the boardwalk like we used back when we were dating."
Suddenly, the Camaro stopped running.
"What the hell," exclaimed Jim.
Jim kept trying to restart his car, but it just wouldn't happen.
"No, no, no, NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME!"
"I thought you fixed it," said an annoyed Quinn.
At this point, the light turned green. Jim was still trying, a failing, to get his car going.
"Come on, please! START, GODDAMMIT!"
The car refused to start. By now cars were starting to honk their horns behind them.
"COME ON," Jim yelled as he kept trying to start his dead car. Finally, he gave up and started crying.
"Oh...my...GOD," said a stunned Quinn, "You're crying again!"
Jim wiped his tears. "O...Okay, I am crying! I'm crying because...because...MY CAR'S DYING!"
Jim resumed his crying while Quinn gave him a puzzled look.
He's been getting overly emotional...OVER A STUPID CAR! You've gotta be kidding me!
Act II
Pizza King, day...
Quinn was having lunch with Stacy and Nicole. Over the course of their meal, Quinn was explaining the situation with her husband and his car.
"...so after we got home, Jim finally broke down and agreed to have Adam take a look at his Camaro. He's at Rowe Automotive right now."
"That's smart," said Stacy, who happens to be Adam's sister, "My brother's just as much of a whiz with cars as your husband."
"I know," said Nicole, "He's my go-to guy whenever I have an issue with my Accord."
"Anyway," Quinn continued, "Jim's over there right now. I followed him in my Cadillac in case the Camaro quit on him again. Since he insisted on staying to watch, I decided to invite you guys to lunch. That's why the invite was last minute."
"No problem," said Stacy, "We've got a new intern, fat kid with bad acne, who keeps hitting on me. It's kinda creepy."
"Stacy," said Quinn in a friendly-yet-teasing tone, "You married Upchuck."
Stacy stifled a giggle. "Touche, Quinn."
"So," said Nicole, "Jim's getting all emotional about a car. I never understood that about guys. I mean, God help the suicidal fool who messes with Jamie's motorcycle."
All three women giggled.
"You know," said Quinn, "I actually asked Jim what the big deal is, and he told me that since GM discontinued the Camaro and Dodge discontinued the Challenger he wants to hold on to his Camaro as long as possible."
"I can see that," said Stacy, "Being the loyal Chevy guy that he is, there's no way Jim would ever stoop to driving a Mustang. According to Adam, that's the gearhead equivalent of turning to the Dark Side."
The three women laughed again.
"You know," said Quinn, "that car's only nine-years-old. It shouldn't be having those kinds of problems."
"Um, actually," said Stacy, "According to Adam, GM hasn't built cars to last since the 80's."
Added Nicole, "None of the American car companies do that anymore. That's why I drive a Honda, despite the fact that it makes me even more stereotypically Asian than calling myself Ninjababe online."
They all laughed yet again.
Meanwhile, at Rowe Automotive...
Jim's Camaro was on a hydraulic lift. Adam and one of his mechanics were looking under it while a nervous Jim stood by and watched. Finally, Adam and the other mechanic exchanged grim looks. They then turned off their flashlights and got out from under the car. While the other mechanic lowered the lift, Adam approached Jim to deliver his diagnosis.
"Well," asked a concerned Jim.
"It's not good," said Adam, "Several of the electrical connections are corroded by age, the alternator's shot, the fuel pump is rusting and dumping additives into the fuel, you need new struts and new shocks and the A/C's gonna go any time now...and don't even get me started on the transmission. Jim, getting this car back in working order would cost more than it's worth."
"Adam," said a stunned Jim, "How can that be!? It's a 2016 Camaro ZL1 and I bought it brand new."
"Jim," said Adam, "Camaro's, hell, muscle cars in general, just aren't in demand anymore and she's already got 100,000 miles on her. Blue book value's only around five-grand."
"Still," said Jim, "How can a car that's barely a decade old and been well maintained be falling apart like this?"
Adam gave Jim a pitying look. "Jim, you know as well as I do that Detroit hasn't built a car to last since the late 80's. Frankly, if you were an average car owner and not a professional gearhead, then what's happening to your car now would've happened about three or four years ago."
"So," said a horrified Jim, "That's it!? I have to junk a car that I can't replace...unless I betray my loyalty to Chevy and buy a Ford Mustang!"
Adam nodded grimly. "Jim, this car's only gonna make it another 500 miles, a thousand if you drive downhill a lot."
Jim was too horrified to speak.
"Look," said Adam, "Maybe, just maybe, you need to accept that your days of owning a muscle car are over. Either that, or you start sleeping with the enemy."
"No," said Jim in a defiant tone, "No freaking way am I jumping on the electric bandwagon and no way am I gonna cave and buy a Mustang! I've restored cars from the 50's and 60's that were in way worse shape than this."
"This is different," said Adam, "It'd take you at least a year to get the necessary parts to restore a car from this century that's no longer in production."
"Watch me," said Jim defiantly as he walked away.
Once Jim was gone, Adam smirked.
"And so, it begins."
"Whaddaya mean, boss," asked the other mechanic.
"He's in denial," said Adam, "but even the most stubborn denier bows to reality eventually."
Casa Carbone, 2016...
Quinn emerged from the house with a three-year-old Tommy munching on her hair extensions while riding on her shoulders, a three-year-old Timmy clinging to her pants leg and crying while a three-year-old Teddy yanks on her purse.
"Jim, what's going on?"
Jim stepped aside to show a brand-new blue Chevy Camaro ZL1 in the driveway.
"Quinn," said Jim, "I hope you were kidding when you said you'd kill me if I bought another Camaro, but this is top of the line, so I traded in the SS."
Tommy let go of his mother's hair and pointed.
"Cool car, Da-da!"
"Me like blue," said the awestruck Timmy.
"Am I the only one my age who doesn't talk like a caveman," Teddy asked rhetorically, "But the car's nice, Dad."
"Well," said an exhausted Quinn, "The boys seem to like it."
"Good," said Jim, "Because I just might pass it down to one of them when they're old enough to drive."
"YAY," chanted the triplets in unison.
Casa Carbone, 2025...
Jim and a now twelve-year-old Tommy were working on that very same Camaro. Jim groaned in frustration.
"Well," said Jim, "I tweaked the distributor and cleaned out the fuel pump."
"Want me to fill up the gas tank, Dad," asked Tommy.
Jim smiled proudly. "Sure." He pointed to a nearby gas canister. "That's where I keep the premium gasoline. You know why I want you to put 93-octane gas in there?"
Tommy nodded. "Lower octane fuels won't properly power a V8 engine, especially one that's supercharged."
Jim nodded approvingly. "That's my boy! Remember, only fill a V8 engine with 93-octane unleaded fuel. They don't run right otherwise."
"I will, Dad," said Tommy.
At this point, Tommy went to get the gas canister. That was when Timmy entered the garage.
"Dad," he said, "Tommy, what are you guys doing?"
"Fixing the Camaro," said Jim, "I wanted Tommy to help, since it's gonna be his car someday."
Timmy was visibly dejected to hear that. "What about me!?"
Jim struggled not to laugh. "You!? Driving a muscle car!?"
"Yeah," added Tommy as he finished pouring in the gasoline, "You're too much of a wuss."
"Tommy," said Jim in an ominous tone, "What did I say about calling your brother that?"
"Sorry, Dad," said Tommy.
"Come on, Dad," said Timmy, "Can't I at least help?"
Jim suppressed another laughing fit. "Timmy, you don't even know what kind of engine this car has."
"Sure, I do," said Timmy, "It's a...um...well...uh...that is...you see...ummm..."
Tommy rolled his eyes. "It's a 6.2-liter pushrod V8 equipped with a supercharger, right, Dad?"
Jim smiled proudly. "Right, son." Jim then turned his attention back to Timmy. "Look, I appreciate the offer, but I don't know what you could do."
"Can I start it," asked Timmy, "Starting a car's not that hard."
Jim was apprehensive. "Timmy," he said, "This isn't a toy, it's a 625-horsepower beast. Your mother would never forgive me if you hurt yourself in this thing. Besides, I already promised Tommy that he could do the test."
Timmy sighed. "Okay, fine." As he turned to leave, Timmy accidentally kicked over the pan full of used motor oil from the car. "Oops!"
"Dammit, Timmy," Jim barked, "People are gonna see that stain and think I work on cars while drunk!"
"Dad, I'm sorry," exclaimed Timmy.
"Timmy," said Tommy, "Just go. All you're doing is getting in our way."
Timmy gave his father a pleading look.
"Sorry, Timmy," said Jim, "but your brother's right."
Timmy shuffled out of the garage. None of the three realized that Quinn had been listening in on the conversation, and she did NOT like what she'd heard.
Timmy's room, a short time later...
Timmy sat on his bed sulking when there was a knock on the door.
"Come in!"
The door opened and Quinn entered.
"Hey, Timmy."
"Mom," said Timmy, "what's going on?"
"I was about to ask you the same question," said Quinn as she sat down on the bed next to him.
"Nothing," said Timmy in a bitter tone.
Quinn didn't believe him and proceeded to say so.
"Timmy, I overheard what happened in the garage just now."
Timmy sighed as he knew there was no avoiding this conversation.
"Fine," he said, "Mom, why does Dad hate me?"
"Timmy," said Quinn in a reassuring tone, "Your father doesn't hate you."
"No," said Timmy bitterly, "but he doesn't love me, or Teddy, as much as he loves Tommy."
"Timmy," said Quinn, "You know that's not true. Your father loves all three of you equally."
Timmy didn't buy this. "Then why does Dad only wanna spend time with Tommy? He totally ignores Teddy and the only time he talks to me is when I piss him off."
"Timmy," said Quinn, "First, I don't like you using that kind of language. Second, it's...well, it's hard to explain. Your father and Tommy just have more in common...I think."
"I think," Timmy replied, "Tommy's just more normal than me or Teddy, that's why Dad loves Tommy more."
Quinn sighed. "Timmy, the truth is that Tommy's more like I was at your age. I was the most attractive and popular girl in school. All the boys wanted to date me and all the girls wanted to be me."
"Just like Tommy," Timmy agreed, "and Teddy's just like Aunt Daria. Doesn't explain where I came from."
"Actually," said Quinn, "Wait here a second."
Quinn left the room and went to the master bedroom. She emerged a few seconds later with a photo in her hand. When she returned to Timmy's room, she handed it to Timmy.
"Look at that."
Timmy gasped at the old picture of a twelve-year old boy who was just as fat as he is and had bad acne to boot.
"Gross! Who's this!?"
"That," said Quinn, "Is your father when he was your age."
Timmy didn't believe her.
"No way!"
"Way," said Quinn, "he didn't lose the weight until eighth grade and his acne didn't clear up until high school. Not only that but, according to Nonna, your father had a penchant for the theatrical until Grandpa Tony beat it out of him."
"So," said Timmy, "If I'm just like Dad, except for not having the acne, then why is he so hard on me?"
"Because," Quinn explained, "It's his misguided attempt to toughen you up, in the hopes that it'll cause you to have an easier time of it than he did. It's the same reason I tend to go harder on Tommy than I do on you and Teddy. I'm trying to keep him from repeating some of my mistakes."
"Okay," said Timmy, "but why does Dad always wanna spend time with Tommy? Why's Dad planning to pass the Camaro down to him?"
"Because," Quinn explained, "Your brother is just as into fast cars as your father is and..." Quinn stopped as she suddenly got an idea. "Timmy, I think I just figured out how to make a better relationship with your father happen."
"I'm listening," said a very interested Timmy.
That evening...
The whole family was seated at the kitchen table having dinner. Jim was talking about the car.
"...but when Tommy started it, the engine caught fire. After I put the fire out, I started it and the same thing happened. I can't freaking believe this."
Quinn gave Timmy a knowing nod.
"Dad," said Timmy, "why not try another mechanic?"
"Duh," said Tommy, "Dad's a mechanic, and he already took it to another mechanic."
"But," Timmy insisted, "Maybe a third mechanic will notice something that Dad and Mr. Rowe both missed."
"You know," said Jim, "That's actually not a bad idea. I mean, yeah, it hurts my pride that I can't get my car back in shape, but maybe an outside opinion won't hurt."
"And," said a smiling Timmy, "I know just the guy. Mom told me about this place in Middlebury. They apparently do top notch work at a half-assed price."
Jim was hesitant. "I don't know. I'm not sure the Camaro will make it to Middlebury in her current condition."
"But, Dad," said Timmy, "think of all the memories you've made with that car over the past nine years. Don't you think she deserves the best care you can give her?"
That convinced Jim. "Okay, Tommy and I will take her over tomorrow afternoon."
"Actually," said Quinn, enacting her part of the plan, "I think you should take Timmy."
"Come on, Quinn," said Jim, "Timmy's not interested."
"Actually," said Timmy, "I am. Look, what happened in the garage today got me to realize that I don't know anything about cars and I wanna learn."
Jim raised an eyebrow. "You're serious!?"
"Yes," said Timmy with a nod, "I even called to make an appointment."
Jim was impressed with Timmy's sudden initiative.
"Okay, Timmy, you're in."
Timmy and Quinn exchanged knowing glances.
"I see what's going on," muttered Teddy under his breath, "and how badly it's gonna backfire."
Middlebury, the following afternoon...
The weather was getting overcast as Jim's Camaro went down the road. Inside, Jim was driving while Timmy rode shotgun. They were listening to the radio.
"...and if you live in Middlebury then you're in for one major thunderstorm. Heavy rain and frequent lightning strikes."
"Whoa," said Timmy.
"Relax," said Jim, "We can wait it out in the lobby."
Timmy pointed at an upcoming intersection.
"Next left."
Jim turned the car left at the intersection.
"There it is," said Timmy as he pointed.
Jim frowned as he saw a car dealership.
"Ford!? This mechanic works at a Ford dealership!?"
"I know," said Timmy, "Chevy and Ford are absolute rivals, but I also figure it's a worthy sacrifice for this car."
"If that's what it takes," said Jim as he pulled into the dealership.
"Remember," said Timmy as they exited the Camaro, "Ask for Carlos Ramirez."
Jim walked up to a man with olive skin in a business suit.
"Excuse me," said Jim, "I'm James Carbone, I have an appointment with Carlos Ramirez."
"Look no further," said the Latin man, "For I am Carlos Ramirez."
"Hmm," said a suddenly suspicious Jim, "Dressed pretty snazzy for a mechanic."
"Gracias," said Carlos.
"So," said Jim, "My son told me you'd take a look at my Camaro."
"Ah, yes," said Carlos, "but first, allow me to show you something."
With that, Carlos led Jim and Timmy inside the dealership.
Showroom, a few seconds later...
Carlos was showing Jim and Timmy a red Mustang with black rally stripes and a raised rear spoiler. Jim let his Chevy loyalty momentarily slide as he found this car enticing.
"Is that...?"
"Yes," said Carlos, "A brand new Mustang GT, fully equipped."
"It's nice," Jim conceded, "but I'm a loyal Chevy man. Now, about my Camaro."
"Of course," said Carlos, "I can give you a trade-in value double the blue book."
That's when Jim put it all together.
"Oh...my...God! You aren't a mechanic, you're a salesman!"
"Yes," said Carlos proudly, "Salesman of the year, 2019 to be exact."
Jim glared menacingly at Timmy.
"Sorry, Dad," said Timmy, "but it was Mom's idea."
Jim's eyes narrowed further.
Act III
The outskirts of Middlebury, day...
Jim's Camaro was heading back to Lawndale. Outside, the weather was becoming increasingly overcast. Inside, Jim was giving Timmy the silent treatment as he drove.
"Dad?"
"Don't talk to me, Timmy," Jim barked angrily.
"But, Dad..."
"Goddammit, Timmy," Jim interrupted, "Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in!?"
"But it was Mom's idea," Timmy protested, "She thought buying a new car together would be a great way for us to bond!"
"Timmy," Jim barked, "I am not, repeat, AM NOT, giving up on this Camaro. It's only nine years old and I WILL keep her going long enough to pass it along to Tommy!"
"What about me," barked a suddenly irate Timmy.
"YOU," Jim snapped, "Right now I'm sorely tempted to give you up for adoption. Make back some of the money I wasted on you these last twelve years!"
Before the argument could continue, however, the Camaro's motor suddenly went dead.
"No, no, NO," hollered Jim in frustration, "NOT NOW!"
Jim kept trying to restart the Camaro while pressing hard on the gas, but the car was totally unresponsive. Worse still, by the time the Camaro had rolled to a complete stop it was right in the middle of a railroad crossing.
"Come on, dammit," Jim barked as he frantically tried to restart the car, "START, GODDAMMIT!"
All the car did was make grinding noises. Soon, it wasn't even doing that, and all the lights went out.
"SHIT," Jim yelled.
Suddenly, Timmy heard a distant rumbling sound that was rapidly getting closer.
"Dad," said a nervous Timmy, "I think a train's coming!"
Jim didn't believe him.
"That's not funny, Timmy!"
"I'm not joking," said Timmy, "I really think a train's coming!"
At that moment, the warning bells on the railroad crossing sounded and the gate stick came down.
"SHIT," Jim yelled, "Now I gotta remove a massive ding!"
Then they heard the train's horn as it approached.
"DAD," Timmy yelled as he frantically opened the passenger side door, "WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"
Jim was frantically trying to restart his dead Camaro.
"DAMMIT, GIRL, WE GOTTA GO! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, START!"
"DAD," Timmy yelled frantically.
Jim looked and saw the massive train coming towards them at seventy-miles-per-hour.
"GAH!"
Running on adrenalin, Jim shoved Timmy out of the passenger side door.
"TIMMY, RUN!"
As Timmy ran from the tracks as fast as he could, Jim unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the driver side door and frantically ran in the same direction that Timmy had. By the time Jim caught up to his son, he turned around just in time to see his beloved Camaro be smashed to pieces by a speeding locomotive.
"No," Jim gasped in horror as he saw the pieces of his car fly all over the place, "PLEASE, GOD, NO!"
Just like that, it was over. Jim and Timmy were safe, but the car was literally all over the place. Car parts that used to be a Camaro were strewn everywhere. Jim fell to his knees and cried.
"So," said Timmy, "that's what it's like when a car gets smashed by a train. Doesn't look as cool in real life as it does in movies."
Hearing that instantly turned Jim's grief into anger on a level he'd never before experienced in his life. He stopped crying as his face contorted in to a mask of raw, animalistic rage.
"You," Jim hissed venomously as he stood up and faced Timmy. "YOU DID THIS," he yelled as he grabbed Timmy, lifted him off the ground and violently shook him. "YOU DID THIS , YOU FAT LITTLE BRAT! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"
"DAD, PLEASE," said a terrified Timmy, "YOU'RE SCARING ME!"
"YOU KILLED MY CAR," Jim screamed as he violently shook his son with murderous rage in his eyes.
"DAD, I'M SORRY," Timmy cried out in terror.
Seeing his son so frightened snapped Jim out of his rage. He immediately put Timmy down.
"Da...Dad," said Timmy, "I...I'm sorry. I...I..."
While Jim had calmed down enough to no longer be physically theatening Timmy he was still too angry to be reasonable.
"DAMMIT, TIMMY," Jim barked, "Not only did you get my car destroyed, but our cellphones were in there when the train hit. They were destroyed right along with MY Camaro, you little shit! Now, I have to walk back into town so I can find a phone and call your mother to come and pick us up!"
"Well," said Timmy with a resigned sigh, "I guess we'd better get going, 'cause it looks like we're about to get one heck of a thunderstorm."
"Oh, no, you don't," Jim hissed as he held Timmy back, "You're staying right here while I go find a phone. I want you to look at the mess that used to be my car and think about what you've done!"
Without waiting for a response, Jim angrily turned around and started quickly walking towards town.
"BUT, DAD..."
"LEAVE ME ALONE," Jim called back, "I CAN'T EVEN STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU RIGHT NOW!"
Jim then continued his angry power walk back into town.
Once alone, Timmy hung his head and sighed. Suddenly, there was a loud crack of thunder and a flash of lightining.
"EEEP!"
Timmy ran into some nearby bushes. Once there, he sat down.
"Dad...I...I'm sorry."
He began crying as rain started to fall.
The Ford dealership in Middlebury, thirty minutes later...
Jim entered the parking lot with a guilty expression on his face. He visibly felt bad about going off on Timmy like he had. Not helping matters was the weather. While it was not yet raining in this area the storm was getting dangerously close.
I shouldn't have lost my temper like that, Jim thought, I probably scarred that poor kid for life going off on him like I did. Jim sighed. I guess I turned into my father after all.
It was at this point that Jim saw the salesman Carlos standing next to a black Mustang. Carlos saw Jim and smirked.
"Yes," Carlos said to himself, "It's 2019 all over again! Second Salesman of the Year award, here I come!"
Jim approached Carlos.
"Well," said Carlos, "Look who came back."
"Don't get any ideas," said Jim, "I just need to use your phone. My son and I had some car trouble and, long story short, I need to call my wife to come pick us up."
Carlos grinned as he smelled a perfect opportunity and proceeded to pounce.
"Well, I could let you call your wife to come pick you and your son up, or..."
He pointed to the black Mustang.
"...You and your son can go home in this all new 2025 Mustang Shelby GT500, fully equipped. Rearview camera, digital instrument panels, street, track and racing modes, dual-clutch transmission and a 5.2-liter V8 engine that puts out 760 horses, giving this car an acceleration rate of zero-to-sixty-miles-per-hour in 3.3 seconds."
"Nice sales pitch," Jim conceded, "but I have never, and will never, drive a Ford."
"You sure," asked Carlos, "By the way, where is your son."
Jim had a guilty frown. "He's waiting back where my Camaro broke down. I...I needed some alone time."
It was at this point that lightning struck close by.
"I see," said a smirking Carlos, "It seems to me that the best way to save your son from the coming storm is to buy the exquisite Mustang right before us."
Jim sighed, knowing that Carlos has him dead to rights.
"Fine," he said, "How much?"
"Sticker price is a hundred-and-five grand, but," said Carlos, "Since you are Jim the Car Guy and in a hurry, I'll let you have it for eighty-five...if you endorse this dealership on your channel."
There was another clap of thunder and it started to rain.
"Deal," said Jim, knowing this was probably the best he could do under the circumstances.
Carlos smirked. Carlos Ramirez, you are a GOD among salesmen!
Twenty minutes later...
Jim was driving his new Mustang on the road, heading back towards the railroad crossing. While his decision to buy this car was made under duress, he was quickly starting to come around.
I never had a ride this smooth in the Camaro.
Jim looked in the rearview mirror but couldn't see behind him because of the torrential rain outside. He then looked at the monitor screen on the center dash and got a clear view of the road behind him.
That camera even covers the blind spots!
Suddenly, Jim came to an intersection. An out-of-control car swerved in front of him. Jim slammed on his breaks and the Mustang stopped perfectly.
Better traction control, that's for sure. I would've fishtailed stopping like that under these conditions in the Camaro.
Soon, Jim reached the railroad crossing. The wreckage of his Camaro was still there, but he couldn't see Timmy.
God, I hope that kid's just holed up in the trees!
Jim stopped the Mustang and emerged.
"Timmy! TIMMY, WHERE ARE YOU!?"
Jim grew more concerned when there was no response.
"TIMMY! TIMMY!"
He looked around and kept calling, but couldn't find Timmy anywhere. It was at this point that Jim saw a pickup truck coming down the road from the direction he'd been heading in before he stopped. Jim ran out and gestured at the approaching truck.
"HEY, STOP! STOP!"
To Jim's relief, the truck came to a stop right in front of him. The driver, an old man with gray hair, lowered his window.
"HEY," the driver called out, "You looking for a kid, about twelve, reddish-brown hair, overweight?"
"Yes," said Jim, "That's my son! You've seen him?"
The old man in the pickup nodded as he pointed back in the direction he'd come from.
"Saw him about a mile or two back. Said he was walking to Lawndale."
Jim's eyes went wide.
"WHAT!? YOU LET A KID WALK ALL THE WAY TO LAWNDALE!? IN THIS WEATHER!? WHY!?"
"To be honest," said the old man, "Kid looked to me like he could use the exercise."
Jim did an immediate face palm.
Two miles up the road, a short time later...
A scared yet determined Timmy was walking along the side of the road in a thunderstorm. He had pulled his hoodie up to keep the torrential rain off. He jumped every time there was a burst of thunder.
"A...another eighteen miles," Timmy said to himself, "Just another eighteen miles."
Just then, Timmy heard the sound of a loud muscle car approaching. This was followed by the honking of the horn. Timmy jumped to the side and watched as a black Mustang GT500 came to a stop right in front of him. The passenger side door opened.
"Timmy, get in," said Jim.
Timmy was defiant in his response.
"No," he said, "I'm done being the kid you don't want! I'll walk home!"
Jim frowned, knowing he deserved that rebuttal.
"Come on, Timmy," Jim pleaded, "It's raining and there's thunder and lightning everywhere!"
"So," said Timmy, "It's not like you care!"
Jim sighed. "I deserved that."
"Why should I ride home with YOU," Timmy barked.
"Come on, Timmy," said Jim, "You got tired on the drive here."
Timmy let out a defeated sigh. He had to admit that his father had a point.
"Okay, fine!"
Timmy got into the passenger side. Once the door was closed and Timmy was strapped in Jim put the Mustang in gear and started driving towards Lawndale.
"Timmy," said Jim, "I...I'm sorry I blew up at you like I did. I know you didn't mean for my Camaro to get totaled."
"You should be sorry," Timmy barked, "You think you're the only one who loved that car, Dad!? Some of my happiest memories took place in that car!"
Jim was pleasantly surprised. "You...you actually cared about the Camaro!?"
"Yes, I did," said Timmy, "and it REALLY hurt when you blamed me for it's destruction."
"I...I'm sorry about that," said Jim, "Look, you and your mother tried to trick me into buying a car I didn't want and that upset me. I hadn't had time to process when my Camaro was destroyed and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that. I...Well, I just hope you can forgive me."
Timmy said nothing, but looked curiously at his father.
"So," said Jim, "Why didn't you ever tell me how much that Camaro meant to you?"
"You know how many times I've tried," asked Timmy in turn, "but you're so busy treating Tommy like the favorite that you only ever notice me when I screw up! That's why Mom insisted on this trick. She wanted us to bond over something! I went along because I just want you to love me as much as you love Tommy!"
"Timmy," said Jim, "I love all three of you equally!"
"Then," said Timmy, "Why do you only ever wanna spend time with Tommy?"
Jim tried to explain. "Look, it's not that I love Tommy more and you less. I spend so much time with him because we're both into the same things. Your interests aren't really my cup of tea."
"You could at least try," said Timmy, "Just because I'm not a gearhead like you or a jock like Tommy doesn't mean I don't wanna spend time with you, Dad."
"I know," said Jim with a guilt ridden sigh, "Now that I know how much it means to you, Timmy, I promise to make more of an effort to bond with you from now on."
"You...You mean that," said Timmy.
"Yes," said Jim, "truth is, the only real difference between you and what I was like at your age is that you don't have the bad acne that I did back then."
"I know," said Timmy, "Mom showed me the picture."
Jim smiled as a stray tear ran down his cheek.
"Dad," said Timmy, "are you crying?"
"No," said Jim as he wiped away the tear, "Um...Must be the new car smell."
"So," said Timmy, "You finally broke down and bought a Mustang."
Jim nodded. "Well, since the Camaro's been discontinued and both GM and Chrysler are hopping on the electric bandwagon, it's either a Mustang or stick with Chevy and get a Corvette. Since I'm a married man with three kids, a 'Vette's not very parctical."
"I like it," said Timmy, "I miss the Camaro, but this car's pretty cool."
"Thanks," said Jim, "I think so too. I mean, she's got more horsepower and better handling than the Camaro. Frankly, I don't think brand loyalty is a hill I need to die on anymore, not after driving this baby."
"How fast can she go," asked Timmy eagerly.
Jim smiled proudly. "Zero-to-sixty in 3.2 seconds!"
"Cool," said Timmy, "That's point-three seconds faster than the Camaro."
Jim smiled proudly at Timmy. By the time they were back in Lawndale, father and son were definitely closer than they'd been when they left.
End Chapter