Lilacs (Uekiya Engeika)
It's of course hard to jump from self hate to self love, so start with self tolerance and neutrality.
If you can't say "I'm valuable" start with "all people deserve basic respect and I am a person." Cut the "I'm worthless" echo chamber and internally shout something else.
You have a crush. You know its not going to last, and you don't even want to think about confessing. Not when Osona is there, and obviously crushing hard on her childhood friend.
It's just… he's cute and nice, and you would like to get to know him better. That's it. You think about him a lot, but you would never consider making a move.
You would just like to enjoy the feeling of being a little in love.
Unfortunately, you think you might not get to enjoy that for long. You might be dying. Maybe. Your coughing up flowers and blood. Lilacs.
Most of the time they are lilac or white. With the occasional blues and magentas.
Thankfully its not hard to hide in the garden club, and they wnd up washed and in the compost.
You spend looking for why in books, and though you find the history of the Lilacs, and meanings of colours, you can't find any reason for why you are coughing them up.