The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters is off having tea. This is more madness from my tiny mind. I may have made up one or two characters just to keep things interesting…
The Scarlet Chapeaus Tea Lunch
"Can you believe this Jay?" Sam said as she and Jay decorated several tables in the ballroom. "Last week our ballroom hosted a play! This week a tea lunch! This has been a great boon to our business!"
The ghosts of course were there watching. "Especially when you guys sold the crap that was in the ballroom," Trevor spoke up.
Isaac remarked. "To be fair I thought that was going to be the most money they made this year so…I'm impressed."
"I didn't think they'd sell half the junk in that ballroom," Sasappis remarked. "But they did. The rest of it is down in the basement but still…"
"Excuse me!" Hetty bristled. "Those items were not crap or junk as you call it! They were antiques and treasures that were priceless."
"Hetty, you had a penguin leash," Alberta told her. "What good is that?"
"It was supposed to be for the penguin my son was going to get from Cousin Wilberforce for Christmas," Hetty explained. "Cousin Wilberforce got it on one of his many expeditions. Unfortunately, one of his lions ate the penguin."
"That's just weird," Trevor remarked.
"Oh, the parties we held in this ballroom," Hetty sighed. "The glamorous events. The guests of distinction. Only the wealthiest and most well connected entered this place."
"Even the ones your descendants threw were not without their grandeur," Isaac remarked. "It looks good now. All cleaned up and cleared out. And that musical production…"
"I admit it was a fashionable albeit flashy debut," Hetty mused. "But that's how things are done nowadays. Give people something to talk about and they'll come running to your door."
"Jay, I think you're putting too many extra napkins on the table," Sam told her husband.
"You can never have too many extra napkins at a tea party," Jay told her. "Especially when there are over twenty people coming!"
"We didn't have napkins at the tea party in Boston," Isaac remarked. "But there were plenty at the one I attended at Aunt Geraldine's."
"Sam, we need this to go well," Jay told her. "We haven't exactly had a lot of people at our B and B these past few years."
"I think I can count the actual guests we've had on one hand," Isaac remarked.
"I think having a person die at our last Halloween Party may account for part of that," Sam gave him a look.
"Why are you looking at me?" Isaac asked. "I didn't kill Carol. The donut hole did that."
Sam went on preparing. "Anyway, this tea party will be very good for our business."
"And good for our afternoon," Isaac added. "Since we have absolutely nothing else planned."
"I was thinking about seeing Donna," Pete spoke up. "Because I can leave the property. But what the hey? Why not stay for a nice tea party?"
"Oh, for Odin's sake," Thorfinn groaned. "Either dump Donna or never speak of her again. Thorfinn don't care! Just stop talking about her!"
"Or better yet stop talking all together," Hetty growled. "This boasting about your power is really getting out of hand."
"Especially for Hetty because she does not have power," Thorfinn added.
"That we know of!" Hetty snapped. "I do have a power. I just haven't figured out what it is yet."
"It's been over a hundred and thirty years," Flower remarked. "How could you have not figured it out by now? I figured mine out the first day I was dead."
"That's because those EMTs walked through you and got high as a kite," Sasappis remarked. "And then the bear came back and walked through you and…That was such a weird day. A weird terrifying day…"
"Even Pete figured out his power in forty years," Flower added. "He probably would have figured it out sooner but he's such a weenie…"
"What?" Pete gasped.
"Well, it's true," Flower told him. "I can't date Donna because she's a murderer. I should tell Donna but maybe not? I don't want to tell Donna I'm not dating her anymore because she might kill me. Grow a pair dude!"
"A pair of what?" Hetty blinked.
"This day is already interesting," Sasappis smirked. "As interesting as a tea party can get."
"Please let it be full of hot sexy women," Trevor crossed his fingers. "Or even moderately hot women!"
"It's the Scarlet Chapeaus Society," Sam explained. "I think most of them are over 60."
"Is this group like the Red Hat Society?" Jay asked.
"It's the Hudson Valley version," Sam told him. "Apparently they're a splinter group."
"Yeah, and I know why," Pete grumbled. "Carol and some of her friends got into a fight with the charter! Apparently, they had a no smoking policy that they didn't agree with. As well as the excessive drinking."
"When you say a fight, you mean…?" Alberta asked.
"A gosh darn drag out yell-fest that turned into a brawl," Pete winced. "Fortunately, all the charges were dropped. The Red Hat women threw the first punches. Carol and her friends were just better at fighting. However, Carol and half of the Hudson Valley housewives were banned for life."
"And that's when they formed the splinter group in spite," Isaac guessed.
"You got it," Pete nodded.
Sam explained to her husband. "Apparently, they formed when Carol and several other women got into a fight with the Red Hat society. So they made their own group. After they were banned."
"And when you say a fight…?" Jay blinked. "You mean…?"
"An actual fight," Sam nodded. "But the charges were dropped so…"
"Man, the more I hear about Carol…" Jay groaned. "How could a guy like Pete end up with a lunatic like that?"
"Hey! Carol and I were in love!" Pete snapped. "Once. A long time ago. Keep in mind we used to drink a lot more before we had Laura."
"That explains it," Alberta nodded.
"Anyway, I don't think there will be any hot women at this party Trevor," Sam gave Trevor a look.
"As long as some of them keep it tight, I'll take it!" Trevor told her.
That afternoon several women in bright gaudy red hats started to enter the ballroom and sit at the tables. The ghosts watched as they came in. "Good lord," Hetty remarked. "I thought Mamie Fish had some odd hats. These women make hers look modest."
"Does that woman have an actual train on her hat?" Pete pointed.
"It's a tiny model train," Sasappis blinked. "With a mini track and mountains…Wow."
"You gotta admit," Trevor remarked. "Since Sam and Jay opened the B and B, we've attracted some interesting weirdos."
"They weren't all weirdos!" Pete told him.
"No," Isaac paused. "But a large majority of them were rather odd."
"Speaking of which…" Hetty winced. "It's Mrs. Farnsby!"
"The living one or the ghost one?" Flower blinked as Margaet Farnsby walked in wearing a large red hat.
"The living one obviously!" Hetty rolled her eyes. "Judy is bound to her property! Remember?"
"Oh right," Flower nodded.
Another woman wearing a red hat followed her. "You listen to me Margaret! You stay away from Stan and I mean it!"
"For the last time Grace," Margaret rolled her eyes. "I'm not having an affair with your husband!"
"Hello!" Trevor grinned.
"Oh please!" Grace snapped. "Everybody knows you and your husband swing more than Tarzan and Jane!"
"Yeah, but we don't keep secrets about who we sleep with!" Margaret snapped. "Or run around behind our friend's backs with their spouses!"
"As long as it's not Wednesday!" Grace gave her a look.
"That was uncalled for!" Margaret snapped as they went to sit at a table.
"Okay," Sasappis grinned. "There's some drama here. I'm in."
"I hope this is to your satisfaction Mrs. Belamy," Sam was speaking with an older woman with a huge red hat. "I know as the president of the Scarlet Chapeaus you want everything just right."
"Oh, this looks marvelous," Mrs. Belamy told her. "It's perfect for our annual meeting. We don't get to meet more often than that. You know? Busy lives and all. You know growing up I heard stories about the Woodstone ballroom at Woodstone Mansion."
"Really?" Sam asked.
"Well, you see the majority of the town was never invited to Woodstone Mansion," Mrs. Belamy explained. "Only servants and the upper echelons of society were allowed to take a peek. Now it was your aunt that you inherited this mansion from, right?"
"My Great Aunt Sophie yes," Sam nodded.
"I remember her," Mrs. Belamy remarked. "Bit of a snob. We were never invited to her parties. Not well connected enough I suppose. Which is ironic because her husband, son and half of her relatives were the biggest degenerates you ever heard of."
"Excuse me?" Hetty bristled. "How dare you…? Who am I kidding?"
"Yeah, they were really bad," Thorfinn chuckled.
"But this looks lovely," Mrs. Belamy looked around. "As soon as the rest of our members are seated, we'll have tea and our meeting. Oh Mrs. Maywinter! Mrs. Hepplewhite! This way!"
"Hang on…" Alberta realized. "Maywinter? Hepplewhite? Weren't they the women who were part of that Ulster County Preservation Society that tried to scam us a while back?"
"They were," Hetty growled as the two familiar women entered the ballroom. "What are those drunken harpies doing here?"
"To be fair it was only Kathy that was slightly tipsy," Isaac reminded her. "She only got plastered when Flower walked through her. I wonder where the third one is?"
"The one that steals silverware? Who cares?" Hetty grumbled. "I'm seriously asking."
"Who steals silverware?" Carol walked up to them. "Are you talking about Cynthia Heffleman? She always did have a problem."
"Carol what are you doing here?" Hetty asked with authority.
"This is my old group," Carol told them. "Nancy told me they were coming by today. Well technically I heard her telling Judy from the Farnsbys as she was yelling it out the window."
"Nancy really hit it off with Judy," Flower remarked.
"Oh, it's so nice to see all the girls again," Carol looked around. "Boy did Nadine put on weight."
"Oh great…" Pete groaned. "An afternoon with my ex…"
"You could always go visit Donna in St. Lucia," Trevor told him.
Pete blinked. "Then again I suppose if I stand over here, I can put up with it."
Isaac conspired with Hetty. "Do you want to make Carol leave?"
"Not quite," Hetty whispered to Isaac. "Carol knows about these women. She has an inside track to the gossip. She could be useful."
"True," Isaac nodded. "Plus, her presence is making Pete squirm a bit."
"He does need to be taken down a peg with all his boasting," Hetty nodded. She spoke to Carol. "Carol! Please tell us all about these women in great detail."
"Oh, cheese and crackers…" Pete groaned.
"Oh hello…" Jay said to Marylin and Kathy as they arrived at the table. Jay had placed a large tray of finger sandwiches down.
"Oh, hello Jay, Samantha," Marylin said cheerfully. "It's been a while since we've seen you."
"Since they tried to scam you the last time," Hetty reminded Samantha.
"What happened to Cynthia?" Jay asked. "I don't see her."
"Don't know, don't care," Kathy said.
"We haven't spoken since the Ulster County Preservation Society disbanded," Marylin admitted.
"What was left of them," Alberta added.
"We're part of the Scarlet Chapeaus," Marylin explained. "Which is way better than those stuck-up Red Hats."
Kathy explained. "They're even more uptight than you'd think. You get in one tiny little bar fight…"
"This does not bode well…" Hetty groaned.
"We didn't even start that fire," Carol remarked.
"The fire wasn't our fault," Kathy added.
"This really doesn't bode well," Hetty winced.
"Sam, we have plenty of fire extinguishers, right?" Pete asked.
"Anyway, this group is much more…" Marylin coughed. "Refined."
"I am not sleeping with Stan!" Margaret shouted at Grace. "Honestly I'm amazed anyone else would!"
"Pull the other one Margaret!" Grace shouted back.
Another woman was tearing into the sandwiches and let out a loud burp. "Oh yes…" Isaac said dryly. "This place reeks of refinement."
Carol spoke up. "If there's any dairy in any of those tea sandwiches this place will reek of something else. Dorothy is a lovely woman but if she eats just a teaspoon of dairy the place will smell like a cow pasture."
"Anyway, it's good to be back here," Marylin remarked. "Despite the unpleasantness."
"You mean when you tried to get us to join your society and your friend tried to steal our silverware?" Jay remarked.
"Ooh good hit," Isaac remarked to the other ghosts.
"I was referring more to Carol Martino's recent demise but…" Marylin coughed.
"You heard about that?" Sam winced.
"Everyone in town heard about that," Kathy rolled her eyes. "Carol always had to be dramatic and cause a stir!"
"Excuse me?" Carol did a double take.
"Wait are you telling me this is the place where Carol croaked?" An older woman spoke up.
"Well not in this specific room," Sam winced.
"She died in the kitchen," Sasappis smirked. "Which is way worse."
"All because you couldn't chew a donut," Pete grumbled.
"Donut hole!" Carol snapped.
"Same thing Carol!" Pete shot back.
"I remember Carol," Marylin nodded. "She was one of our founding members."
"That's right," Carol grinned.
Marylin added. "Loathsome woman."
"Excuse me?" Carol snapped.
Marylin went on. "Voice like a foghorn and manners like a trucker. What kind of woman rolls her own cigarettes?"
"They taste better like that!" Carol snapped.
"Do they?" Sasappis asked.
"Wait are you talking about Carol Martino?" Another woman asked. "Christmas Carol?"
"That's the one," Kathy nodded.
"Christmas Carol?" Carol blinked. "Why did they call me that?"
"Why did you call her Christmas Carol?" Sam asked.
"Because she'd unwrap herself with a different guy in the coat room at every Christmas party at the Royal Retriever," Kathy explained.
"Oh really?" Pete glared at Carol "What a shock!"
"That was before I was married to you!" Carol snapped. "Except that one time with Jerry. And admittedly that one time before I married Jerry."
"Carol Martino," Another woman spoke up. "I haven't thought of that woman in years! She's dead? Good!"
Grace spoke up. "Another woman who was making eyes at my Stan!"
"In disbelief at how fat he was!" Carol snapped at Grace.
Marylin nodded. "She was a bit trampy. There's a reason I fell out of touch with her. Especially after her husband died and all the scandal surrounding it."
"I know! We all knew she was sleeping around," Kathy added. "Just didn't think she'd do it with her husband's best friend. Then again Carol never did have any class."
"WHAT?" Carol shouted. "Why you…?" She made a fist.
"They can't hear you and you can't throw a punch Carol!" Pete told her. "Remember?"
"Oh right," Carol realized. "This whole being a ghost thing sucks."
"Try being one for over a century sometime," Hetty grumbled.
Kathy looked at Sam. "She got caught lip locking Jerry downtown in some store. The very day her husband died! Imagine her husband getting murdered by a little girl and she's running around with his best friend."
"Another nail in the coffin," Pete grumbled.
"That was an accident," Marylin told her.
"I never bought that," Kathy snorted. "I don't think anyone needs a safety lecture to realize that you don't shoot real arrows at people right in front of you!"
"Oh, this is getting good," Sasappis said to Trevor.
"Honestly right now I'm a little more invested in the B story," Trevor pointed. "I mean we know about Carol…"
Margaret and Grace were facing off. "Don't you dare compare me with that tramp Carol!" Margaret snapped. "Henry always knows who I've been sleeping with and when! We have a very respectful marriage! Unlike you and Stan!"
"Ooh right," Sasappis blinked. "I almost forgot. Yeah, this is better." Sasappis and Trevor moved closer to the two women.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Grace snarled.
"It means Stan is a schmuck," Trevor told her,
"Stan's the one who propositioned me and I turned him down," Margaret snapped. "He's the one running around without any respect for you or your marriage!"
"You expect me to believe that?" Grace snapped.
"It's the truth," Margaret told her. "And when you find that out, you'll feel like a bigger fool than you are now!"
"I don't have to take this!" Grace shouted. Several women turned to see the commotion, as well as the ghosts.
"Look Stan is having an affair," Margaret told her. "But it's not with me! I don't know who exactly he's having an affair with. But I do know it that they live over in Chandler Falls. Or at the very least goes to the Motel 7 at Chandler Falls."
"You mean Motel 6?" Grace asked.
"It's not Motel 6, it's a knock off," Margaret explained. "A slightly more upscale knock off. Anyway, I know this because Henry and I saw Stan check in with some woman wearing a brown wig, a black dress that was way too tight and dark sunglasses down the hall. We were doing a little roleplaying; you know to keep the spice in our marriage."
"Their marriage has more spice than a market in Calcutta," Alberta was listening in.
"Anyway, Henry didn't know who she was," Margaret went on. "But we did notice she had some kind of bird tattoo on her shoulder. I want to say a dove but it was blue. And inside a heart…"
"Hang on," Kathy was listening in. "Blue bird in a heart? On someone's shoulder? Marylin, don't you have a tattoo like that?"
"WHAT?" Grace shouted.
"Oh my!" Hetty gasped.
"You don't know what you're talking about Kathy," Marylin gave her a look.
"Uh I remember seeing that tattoo," Kathy said. "You got it to remember your first husband who died…"
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID DRUNK!" Marylin shouted.
"WHAT?" Grace shouted.
"Now who's the tramp!" Carol called out.
"Still you by a mile," Pete grumbled. Carol glared at Pete.
"You're sleeping with my husband?" Grace confronted Marylin.
"Told you it wasn't me!" Margaret called out.
"Wow," Trevor grinned. "What a twist!"
"But you did sleep with my brother!" Another woman shouted.
"What happens at our toga parties, stays at our toga parties!" Margaret snapped. "He knew what he was getting into!"
"I think we should get more scones," Sam winced.
"In a minute," Jay waved.
"He's right," Sasappis remarked. "This drama is too good to pass up!"
"There's a lot more horny old women in this town than I thought," Trevor remarked.
"Can we get back to Marylin sleeping with my husband?" Grace shouted.
"Yes!" Isaac grinned. "Please do!"
Maryin snarled. "What do you care? You've been having an affair with Bob Belamy for years!"
"Excuse me?" Mrs. Belamy shouted. "What's this about my Robert?"
"His name is Bob!" Grace snapped. "Everyone calls him that but you! Because you don't think it's classy enough!"
"Again," Margaret grinned. "Now who's the tramp?"
"Shut up!" Grace snapped at Margaret.
"You shut up!" Margaret shouted back. "It's hilarious! You all make fun of my marriage but at least there aren't any secrets between me and my husband!"
"What about that incident in Vermont?" Kathy asked.
Margaret paused. "Okay maybe one or two secrets? But it's not like I was Carol Martino or anything like that!"
"WHAT?" Carol shouted.
"You've heard about Carol too?" Jay couldn't help but ask.
"Everyone in the county has heard about Christmas Carol," Margaret waved. "Before she died, she was notorious!"
"Oh, I bet she was," Pete grumbled in disgust.
"Even I never slept with my husband's best friend," Margaret added. "Well not counting what happens on Wednesday nights…"
"I don't have to stay here and be insulted!" Carol shouted.
"Where do you usually go?" Pete quipped. "Couldn't resist."
Carol made a noise and stormed off. "I can't believe I ever considered these uptight blabbermouths my friends!"
"I can't believe I was married to you!" Pete shouted.
Ghost drama aside things in the ballroom were heating up. Several women were shouting at each other, pointing fingers. "Oh dear…" Isaac remarked. "This will not end well."
"Revelations of affairs, name calling…" Hetty nodded.
"Sooner or later some woman is gonna push another," Alberta added. "And then the sparks are really going to fly. As well as some food."
Sure, enough Grace shoved Marylin and Marylin shoved back. Before anyone knew it Grace threw some clotted cream at Marylin. Marylin threw some more food back which hit other people. Within thirty seconds…
"HIT THE DECK!" Isaac called out as the food started flying.
"The finger food is going to fly!" Pete yelled. "Oh, that's going to leave a stain!"
"Ladies like this did not behave this way in my day!" Hetty bristled. "More's the pity."
"They throw like Gauls," Thorfinn remarked as some scones threw through him. "Had surprisingly good aim!"
SPLAT!
"That's going to leave a bigger stain," Pete remarked.
"I think I just figured out the reason this group only meets once a year," Sam groaned as she barely ducked some flying sandwiches.
An hour later Sam and Jay were cleaning the ballroom. "All that good food gone to waste," Jay groaned. "I worked hard on these scones."
"They did make good artillery," Isaac quipped as the ghosts watched. "Margaret Farnsby has surprisingly good aim."
"I take it the Scarlet Chapeaus have disbanded?" Hetty asked.
"No," Sam sighed as she mopped the floor. "Apparently this sort of thing happens at every meeting. That's why they only meet once a year. Sometimes two years."
"I have a feeling the next one will be a two-year meeting," Alberta quipped.
"Let's look at the bright side of things," Pete spoke cheerfully.
"You mean Sam and Jay made money from this mess?" Trevor asked.
"That too," Pete nodded. "More importantly my wife learned that the entire town thinks she's a tramp. Is it bad that makes me feel happy?"
"Not in this case," Alberta shook her head. "No."
"Most importantly we some good gossip out of all of this," Sasappis grinned. "I can't wait for the next event."