AN: Paz, Dipper, and Mabel are around 16 here, give or take. I'm adding this note because I just realized I never made it clear around what point of the timeline this fic takes place.
Approximately three and a half hours away from the valley of Gravity Falls, close to the north border of Oregon, was a town called Portland.
This town was home to the flagship location of the infamous family entertainment center, Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree. The franchise's star burned hot and fast through the eighties and nineties – these days, they operated just a small fraction of the restaurants they once owned. Out of the twenty-eight states the business has broken ground in, only four still had working animatronic bands. They kept afloat with proceeds from the odd family that stopped by, and the superfans who made the pilgrimage to their nearest locations to soak in the nostalgia (and the leaking hydraulic fluid from the characters on stage).
The original Portland restaurant also happened to be the biggest. It had received major expansions in the mid twenty-tens, making it the Mecca of any vintage animatronic fan. It had two stories. Two. Stories . It was the largest business classified as an arcade in the state. It had three rentable party rooms. And the indoor playground was a maze that stretched into all corners of the building – there were even portholes peeking into the kitchen, so kids could wave at the pizza chefs on duty.
The renovations had been a last-ditch attempt by executives to make this bizarre dinosaur of a franchise profitable in the age of viral horror video games.
It didn't work.
News had recently been released that Hoo-Ha Inc. had gone completely bankrupt, and would be forced to close all of its remaining locations for good. On top of financial woes, a freak electrical accident at the Gravity Falls location had not helped to bolster the company's image. The remaining robots would be auctioned off to collectors, and the buildings would be stripped and repurposed into Pottery Barns.
The kooky band of animals with southern twangs and songs in their hearts had mere months left to perform in their hometown, and were being mourned en masse on social media. But until that final day came, the restaurant would continue putting on its hourly show.
What better place for two Oregonian superfans to host their wedding?
It was a balmy Spring afternoon. The temperature was floating around seventy degrees fahrenheit, the clouds in the sky were sparse, and there was a light, pleasant breeze. It was lovely weather for a wedding. Ideal, even. If Soos Ramirez and Melody Martinelli were having their wedding outside, they would have been delighted at these conditions.
But such thoughts never even crossed their minds. They were indoors, already accustomed to the pepperoni scent that permeated everything in the building, preparing themselves to become husband and wife.
The ceremony wasn't set to begin for another couple hours; the bride and groom's families, along with their plus-ones, had arrived early to help with preparations. Most other guests wouldn't be along until later.
Pacifica wasn't used to being a plus-one. She definitely wasn't used to such kitschy, low-class venues. And she was pretty sure she was overdressed.
She had chosen a shimmery, tea-length, off-the-shoulder dress in an elegant jade. It looked amazing on her, it was appropriate for a light-hearted black tie event, and it wouldn't draw attention away from the bride. It retailed for less than a thousand dollars, barely making a dent in her weekly allowance at the time. In the past, it would have only been appropriate for her to wear it to something like her sophomore prom (but not her senior prom). But it was perfect for an event like this – or so she assumed.
To tell the truth, while planning her outfit that day, she was purposefully trying to underdress, because Soos and Melody told her themselves that it wouldn't be super formal, and to wear whatever made her feel relaxed.
Wearing this dress and a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps amongst people who were wearing what could only be described as "low-effort church clothes" was not her idea of relaxing, but she guessed she only had herself to blame.
Weddings were never something Pacifica looked forward to, anyway. Over the years, she'd lost count of how many of the damn things she'd been forced to attend. She found no enjoyment in the long hours of sitting still, the unfilling hors d'oeuvres, and the mind-numbingly dull vows sourced from Google. Hopefully, this would be over quickly.
She'd been hovering close to Dipper and/or Mabel since they arrived. She had been asked by Dipper to accompany him to the wedding (in a completely platonic way, thank you very much), but he was a groomsman, and his sister was a bridesmaid. They were busy, and wouldn't be able to give her much attention until the reception was underway.
He was in a simple button-down shirt and jeans, but she'd helped him put on a tie before they left. A tie with dinosaurs on it. She was about to scold him for his lack of common sense, but when Soos walked in and saw his neckwear, the groom's enthusiastic support made Pacifica hold her tongue.
Mabel wasn't much better off. Melody's choice in bridesmaid dresses had apparently been inspired by DayGlo – her bridal party was decked out in a matching set of neon floral patterns. It wasn't that the garments were ugly by any means. The design would have been a perfectly serviceable look for a summer picnic. It suited Mabel perfectly; her skin tone and highlighted hair really made the pinks and oranges pop. It just wasn't a bridesmaid dress.
It was making the heiress's head hurt. The disparate formality between the actual event, the dress code, and the venue was vexing to her. This was simply not how weddings were done. All she could do was try to take it in stride.
She was with Melody and Mabel now, an assortment of cosmetics laid out on the table in front of them. Pacifica's contribution to the wedding was doing Melody's makeup (her hair would be done later by one of her sisters).
When the woman asked her if she'd be willing to be her makeup artist on the big day, she was honored, but a little flabbergasted. This was the sort of thing she was used to paying other people to do. However, she was leagues better than any makeup artist in the area that Melody could have afforded (she knew this from experience), and it would be a kindness to the bride to handle the task herself for free.
Moisturizer and primer had been applied, and Pacifica was now working on the foundation. Mabel was across the room, flipping through the jukebox; one of the rentable party rooms, the girly one with a flower theme, had been repurposed as Melody's bridal suite. Curtains were drawn and a floor-length mirror was set up next to a large, cardboard cutout of Beverly the Beaver.
Pacifica bit her lip in concentration as she grabbed a blending sponge. Melody seemed serene; her eyes were shut, and she had a dreamy smile.
Experienced hands blended the foundation. "Relax your face a little," she instructed.
"Sorry," Melody sighed, trying to maintain a neutral expression. "I keep slipping into la-la land."
"Well, duh ." Pacifica shrugged. "You're getting married."
She still wasn't entirely certain what Melody saw in Soos that made him husband material, but whatever. They were cute in a really weird way.
She just wished a member of the couple's family had intervened about this locale .
The foundation was put away and the concealer was brought out. "Okay, I need you to relax for real. I'm gonna start contouring."
"Okay. Serious." She frowned on purpose.
Mabel chimed in from across the room. "I'm the Terminator," she said in a thick, referential accent.
Melody snorted. "Get to the choppa–"
"Not even the same movie," Pacifica cut off. "Melody, what are you thinking for your eyeshadow?"
"I dunno. I really like pink and blue. Maybe purple." She picked up a palette and examined her options. "Orange would match the bridesmaids. What do you think would look best?"
Pacifica clenched her jaw at the thought of wearing blue or purple eyeshadow at a wedding. "It's up to you in the end. If you wanted to go classic, I could style this dusty rose pretty easily. It would bring out your eyes." She pointed to a muted shade of pink.
Melody appeared to seriously consider it. "That one is pretty. Ooh, but I like this one, too…"
She began poking and commenting on shades of azure and violet. Pacifica reminded herself that this was not her decision as the 'social norm broken' alarms blared in her head.
Over the next half hour, a few more bridesmaids found their way in, and Melody's look came together nicely. She'd settled on a bubbly shade of Barbie pink with a halo of orange, a combination reminiscent of a sunset. It paired nicely with a matching pink lip.
Body shimmer was one thing Pacifica and her canvas agreed on. Some gold shimmer was applied to her face, accentuating her features, and some was put on her shoulders and arms. The end result was magical. Setting spray was spritzed, and Pacifica's job was done.
With the wedding gown being cream instead of pure white, the warm colors were able to harmonize. Her attitude and joy paired with her makeover and her dress made her absolutely glow . Pacifica had never seen a bride glow before, and now she understood why it was a phrase.
Melody gushed about feeling like a fairy princess as she twirled across the room, earning applause and cheers from the other women. Her two sisters huddled around her for a closer look.
The heiress was ambushed by a hug as she was packing away her cosmetics – it was Mabel, of course. Who else would it have been?
The other girl gave her a tight squeeze. "Paz, you're the best!"
Pacifica patted her on the back gently and tried to suppress a smile. "I know."
"This means a lot to Melody, by the way. You made her really happy."
Pride swelled in her heart. "Well, somebody had to put a little class into this wedding."
Mabel poked her shoulder several times. "Just admit it. You love Hoo-Ha Owl. You love him!"
"Oh, yes." She rolled her eyes. "I'm just dying to see those creepy old robots sing hits from the stone age."
"Me, too!" Her eyes lit up. "Do you think they know any BABBA songs?"
The impeccable vibes in the room were abruptly interrupted when the jukebox stopped playing music. The dulcet tones of Paula Abdul were cut short, and the neon lights running down the sides flickered off.
Melody's head poked up from the sister huddle. "Hey, what gives?"
Mabel skipped over to try and diagnose the problem. "Never fear, ladies! I'm on the case."
The heiress followed her across the room. As Mabel began pushing random buttons, Pacifica gave it a once-over, trying to spot any obvious signs of the problem.
She circled around to look behind it – there was a good bit of space between the jukebox and the wall. Maybe the plug had simply been jostled out of the socket.
What she found was worse.
Laying on the floor were two frayed pieces of the same wire. The cord that connected the machine to the wall had been messily cut (or possibly chewed) in half by someone (or possibly something).
After giving it a few good kicks, Mabel noticed that Pacifica had found something of interest, and came to take a look. She began scratching her chin at the sight. "Aw, rats."
"Do rats have big enough teeth to chew through that ?" She held up one half of the thick wire, pinching it between two fingers and avoiding the exposed innards.
"You never know," said the taller Martinelli sister as she peeked over Melody's shoulder. "Back in New York, we've got rats as big as my arm."
Mabel gasped. "Cool!"
Pacifica dropped the wire. "Ew."
The bride nervously tugged at a lock of her hair. "Should we tell someone? I don't want the owners to think we ruined their jukebox. Oh, man."
Pulling out her phone to take a picture of the damage, Mabel shook her head. "Paz and I will handle it."
Pacifica raised an eyebrow. "We will?"
"Of course we will!" She wrapped her fingers around her friend's arm. "Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Ramirez! Those rats won't cause any more trouble on our watch."
"Thanks, guys." She lifted her head a little higher. "I guess we can work on my hair in here while you guys do that."
"Sounds great!" Mabel grinned. "I'll be back before the ceremony, okay?"
"And thanks a bunch for doing my makeup, Pacifica!" the bride called after them as they headed for the door.
With Melody's jitters settled for the moment, Mabel pulled her friend out of the room and shut the door behind her.
Once they were out of earshot, she grabbed Pacifica's shoulders. "There's no way a rat did that."
"No duh." She pulled her phone out and typed a quick message to Dipper. "It's probably some kind of weird goblin sneaking around in the walls."
"We've gotta stop it before it ruins the wedding!" Mabel slapped both sides of her face in despair. "True love must prevail!"
"We should–"
She shook the heiress back and forth. " It will prevail! "
"Nothing's gonna prevail if you don't get off of me."
Mabel pulled her phone out, ignoring the verbal thorns but obeying the request. "Let's go find Dipshit. He stuck the journals in the trunk before we left."
"He's gonna meet us at the car," Pacifica clarified as she read a notification that popped up on her phone.
"You already texted him?"
"Yeah."
The girl nodded and pocketed her phone. "Okay, then."
She crossed her arms defensively. "Why wouldn't I have texted him?"
Mabel grinned. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
"I think you're reading too much into it, Paz," she said as she walked towards the entrance, feigning aloofness with her arms clasped behind her back.
Pacifica followed, her shoes click-clacking on the tiled floor. "I don't read into things. I notice things."
"I'm going to change the subject because you just keep digging a bigger hole for yourself, hon." She pointed at a framed poster passing on their left. "One time, one of our friends had their 8th birthday party at the Hoo-Ha's in Oakland, and she ate so much cake that she threw up all over Bernard the Beaver."
"You're really good at telling stories that nobody wants to hear."
Dipper was already flipping through the yellowing pages of one of the older journals when the girls walked out to the parking lot. His sleeves were rolled up, and he looked way too serious for someone who was currently wearing a conical party hat (custom printed for the occasion – Stan's idea and Mabel's design).
Mabel quickened her pace to run up to his side and pull the hat upwards, letting it snap back down on his head. "Womp!"
"Hey, guys," he greeted, unfazed.
Pacifica ambled up to the car and crossed her arms. "Find any matches?"
"Not yet." His eyes didn't wander from the page.
"Are there any wedding-related creatures in there?" Mabel asked, her chin on her brother's shoulder.
Dipper shook his head. "Nothing besides something called 'wedding gnats', and I doubt a bunch of little flies could have eviscerated something like that. Besides, it says they fly into people's ears and give them cold feet, and that's certainly not the problem here."
"Maybe the animatronics came to life again."
"Unlikely. That only happened because of Giffany, and she's dead. Besides, someone would have noticed them walking around."
Pacifica picked up a newer journal installment, one that Dipper had started himself, and idly flipped through it. "Do any of these things hate fun?"
He started to chew on his lower lip; it was a good thing there were no pens around. "Well… kinda? The Krampus does hate kids, so it might target places where kids would go, but it's only active in the winter. It should be hibernating right now."
"Is everything just real now? Like, are there any monsters left that are actual myths? Because I feel like I learn about a new freak of nature every single day."
"Jackalopes," he replied with a smirk. "Jackalopes are a total sham."
"And the beavercorn!" Mabel added. "And the grizzlycorn, and the cornicorn–"
"No kidding?" Pacifica inspected her nails. "I'm in shock."
The brunette nodded sympathetically. "It's a lot to take in. I felt the same way when Stan told me the Sascrotch was just a modified gorilla costume."
As if merely saying his name was enough to summon him, Stan pushed one of the glass doors open and glared at the teenagers. They stood up straighter, like antelopes on the savannah that had been spotted.
The man shook a fist at them. The party hat looked even goofier on him than it did on Dipper. "Get back in here, you freeloaders! Have I gotta do everything myself or what?"
"Coming!" Mabel called.
Dipper shut the book in his hands and hastily returned it to the backpack with the others. "Let's walk and talk. Act casual for now."
The trio followed Stan inside and made their way to the kitchen, tuning out his griping along the way. They knew he did it out of love.
Soos and Ford were waiting for them there, watching a small team of Hoo-Ha's employees prepare pizza.
"It's beautiful, dude," Soos said, wiping a tear from his eye. "If pizza was an art form, you guys would pretty much be Leonardo da Vinci."
"...Thank you?" said one of the chefs, looking like he was unsure how to feel about the situation.
"Soos!" Mabel bounced over to jump on the groom's back, her enthusiasm still boundless. "I haven't seen you all day! You look so good !"
He laughed and patted one of the arms that was clinging to his neck. "Thanks, hambone! I do clean up pretty nice, don't I?"
"Hello, Mabel," Ford said with a smile. "Hello, Miss Northwest. How are preparations going on your side?"
"Melody's getting her hair done right now! She looks sooo beautiful! I'm gonna get this one to do my makeup at my wedding, for sure." Mabel lightly elbowed her friend. "Tell 'em, Paz."
"The colors did turn out pretty great," Pacifica said with a boastful grin. "Though did you expect any less?"
"Oh, man." Soos nervously fiddled with his bowtie. "I bet she looks like a real-life princess, huh?"
"Melody said the same thing!"
"Oh no. We are not doing this again." Stan walked over to Soos and swatted his hands away from the tie. "I've already fixed that stupid thing three times, so keep your mitts away from it!"
The groom sighed. "Sorry, Mr. Pines. I just hope everything is good enough for her, you know? I want her to be as happy as I am."
The older man rolled his eyes. "The girl agreed to marry you within fifty feet of a ball pit, Soos. I think you're in the clear."
"The ball pit!" Realization jumped into the handyman's eyes. "I gotta go check on the dudes that were sanitizing it! Melody and I wanted to take pictures in there later tonight. Cover me on pizza duty, okay, Ford?"
"I'll do my best," said the scholar, not looking very excited about tending to the catering.
Soos ran out of the room, nearly knocking over Wendy in the process as she walked in. He gave her a quick apology, and disappeared past the kitchen traffic doors.
The redhead whistled. "Someone's freaking out."
"Yeah, tell me about it," Stan said. "I've been trying to make that numbskull settle down since breakfast. I didn't realize I'd have to babysit when I agreed to be best man."
Dipper made sure they were out of earshot of the employees and turned to his grunkles. "Great-Uncle Ford, we may have a situation."
He immediately perked up. "Oh? What sort?"
"Don't tell Soos, but there's a ghoulie running amok," said Mabel. "It ruined the jukebox in the bridal suite."
"You don't say. Did you happen to see what it was?"
"Nope." Pacifica shook her head. "We just looked away for a second, and then poof . The damage was done."
Mabel unlocked her phone and pulled up the picture she'd taken, making the rounds and showing it to the whole group. "I'm thinking teeth. Big, sharp teeth."
"It certainly isn't a clean cut," observed Ford when it was his turn to look. "But with the irregularity of the cleaving, it would be impossible to discern the shape and structure of the creature's teeth."
"Maybe it's a hidebehind," said Wendy. "My dad used to tell me stories about those all the time. They're sneaky bastards."
"Sure, and it jumped behind the jukebox at the perfect angle to keep itself hidden from multiple people at once," argued Stan. He threw his hands up in exasperation. "This is exactly what this wedding doesn't need: a bunch of lunatics chasing an overgrown rat!"
"We ruled out rats already, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel's tone was chipper and the exact opposite of his.
A loud clatter startled the family and pulled them out of their conversation.
They all reflexively tried to shield each other as a vent cover fell from above them and landed on the floor, the screws scattering and rolling under a nearby counter. A small pair of claws grabbed the edge of the ceiling, and a large pair of eyes peeked out of the opening.
"What is that? " Pacifica hissed, clutching Dipper's sleeve.
The Hoo-Ha's employees jumped out of the way as the creature vaulted directly onto an unfinished pie.
It was a fuzzy little thing, but its bulldog-like face was twisted in a grimace, negating any cute factor it might have possessed. Two pointy ears stuck out on either side of its head, and two yellow fangs poked up from its underbite. Its beady eyes looked at the uncooked pizza hungrily, and it quickly began shoveling dough and cheese into its mouth. Marinara sauce was splattered on every surface in a ten foot radius.
Ford adjusted his glasses in awe. "A bugbear!"
"That's not in any of the journals, is it?" Dipper squeaked.
"No, I've never seen one myself, but Fiddleford once gave me a description of them." He was unnervingly excited about what was currently happening. "I didn't get a chance to write about them before commencing work on the portal, when my research on unusual species fell to the wayside."
"Great. Okay." His nephew looked around urgently, trying to find something that might help. "Did he tell you anything else?"
"Not a thing."
The cooks had long since fled, not wanting to stick around and possibly get eaten. It was just the Pines and the Bugbear.
Mabel chucked one of her shoes at its head. "Leave Soos and Melody alone, you jerk! True love will never die!"
It hissed, and threw a glob of soft dough back at her, which she dodged.
Stan procured his brass knuckles and slid them on. "Alright, buddy. Drop the pepperoni and no one gets hurt. Except for you. I'm gonna hurt you a lot."
"Right behind you, old man," said Wendy, who was reaching for her pocket knife.
Before either of them could advance, the Bugbear turned to look at all six of them, its eyelids blinking vertically.
It raised two fists and stuck up one claw on each hand. There was an aura of malice in its eyes; it knew exactly what it was doing.
"Hey!" Stan tried to lunge for it, but was held back by Ford and Dipper. "That little creep flipped us the bird!"
Pacifica did her 'eugh' face. "Who taught him that?"
Just as quickly as it came, the Bugbear performed a ten foot vertical leap, and crawled back into the vent. Its footsteps disappeared as it ventured further into the building.
The group sat in silent astonishment for a few moments.
Dipper stared at the opening. "So, uh… what are we gonna do about that?"
Ford tsked. "Let me inform Soos of the situation–"
"NO!" said everyone else in unison.
Stan shook his head. "Sixer, if you tell Soos about this, he's gonna develop a dozen stress ulcers all at once, and we'll have to airlift him to the hospital."
"He's always been a laid-back and reasonable man." Ford paused. " Relatively reasonable, anyway. Isn't the man entitled to know?"
"But Grunkle Ford , it's his wedding day !" Mabel tugged on Ford's lapels. "And we're his family! It's our job to make sure the bride and groom don't have to worry about anything , and that includes bugbears!"
"I'm with Mabel on this one," agreed Dipper. "He already deals with plenty of creatures for us at home. We should do everything in our power to handle this ourselves."
Wendy examined a couple scratch marks that had been left on the ceiling. "Sick."
Pacifica gave her an incredulous look. "You were ready to kill it a second ago."
"I contain multitudes."
Mabel's phone buzzed, and she frowned when she read her newest message. "Melody wants all the bridesmaids in the suite ASAP. Her sister's gonna style everyone's hair so it matches hers."
"Don't worry." Dipper cracked his neck. "We've got it covered here. Just keep Melody distracted, and–"
"Not so fast," said Wendy. "The reason I came back here in the first place was to get you." She pulled a stack of cards out of her suit pocket and waggled it at him.
He facepalmed. "Shit. I forgot I had to help you set the tables."
"Yep. We've got less than an hour until guests start piling in. Those seats have gotta be arranged by then."
Stan grabbed a fist full of paper towels and started wiping up the mess the Bugbear had left. "And if we want to have food ready for the reception, we're gonna need a team in here to wash up and start another batch."
"I'll go fetch the staff," said Ford. "I can help with cleanup in here and brainstorm a proper solution in the meantime. You should keep an eye on Soos, Stanley – as his best man, you have the highest chance of keeping him away from any bugbear-related activity, if this really must be kept a secret."
Dipper groaned in frustration. "But that leaves nobody to actually go after it! It's gonna wreck the whole place if someone doesn't do something."
Chatter broke out amongst the group as they tried to figure out their next step. Pacifica stood with her back pressed to the wall, feeling a little out of place. By all accounts, this was a Pines family matter, and she was not a Pines.
No, she was a Northwest. And her Northwest parents would have told her to stay out of it.
But… she felt a very peculiar emotion as she watched these people, who had become some of her only real friends, struggle to take care of one of their own. They would have done anything for Soos and Melody, but time constraints meant they were torn between two necessary tasks.
And, as much as she didn't want to admit it, Pacifica would have done anything for Dipper and Mabel. Therefore, due to the transitive property of loyalty, she felt a sense of obligation to Soos and Melody, as well.
So… against her better judgement…
"I can do it," she said, trying to sound as casual as possible.
The conversation paused, and all eyes were on her. She was used to being in the spotlight, but this time, it made her a bit uneasy.
Dipper looked surprised, but not in a discouraging way. "Really? I mean, If you'd rather help Wendy while I look for the Bugbear, I wouldn't mind–"
"Don't try and weasel out of your responsibilities to go monster hunting, Dipper." She sneered at him in a disapproving manner. "How's it gonna look when one of the groomsmen isn't doing his job? Bad , that's how."
"I wasn't trying to weasel out of anything. You just don't like getting your hands dirty, and I was trying to give you an out."
Mabel poked her head in between them with a mischievous look. "What, you don't think she can do it?"
"Yeah, Pines." She jabbed his shoulder. "You think I don't know the drill? You don't think I have what it takes to wander around this disgusting building and find Stitch's ugly cousin?"
He raised his hands in defense. "Not even close to what I said."
Stan nudged Wendy. "Twenty bucks says she can't do it."
The redhead smiled and raised an eyebrow at him. "I'll take you up on that. You're underestimating her, man."
"Guys, she's standing right here," Dipper said over his shoulder, his tone annoyed and embarrassed.
"It's fine, Dipper." Pacifica tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Make all the bets you want. Just remember who you're betting on."
"So, you're serious? You'd really do that for Soos and Melody?" asked Mabel, her hands clasped under her chin and a sappy grin on her face.
The heiress shrugged. "It's the most practical solution, right? You guys can focus on wedding stuff, and I have something to do besides scrolling on Instagram."
"You're the coolest!"
Mabel hugged Pacifica again for a brief moment, and Dipper seemed tempted to do the same, but settled on an appreciative smile and a hand on her shoulder.
"This is really cool of you, Paz," he said. "Let us know if you need any help, okay?"
"I don't take handouts, remember?" Despite her dismissive response, her smile matched theirs.
Once the team split off to attend to their respective duties, Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree became a little more crowded.
A few more family members had arrived, and were lingering around the lobby and engaging in idle chit-chat. In addition, some more of the wedding services were trickling in; the flowers had just been delivered, and the cake was on its way.
Pacifica, after all her bravado, had no clue where to begin her mission.
Her first thought had been to try and follow the air vents, but there was no way to tell which way they went; they were encased entirely in the ceilings, and were pretty well-concealed.
Besides, she couldn't just walk up to the manager on duty and ask for a copy of the building's blueprints. That would have been suspicious, and her family name didn't have the same influence in Portland as it did in Gravity Falls. (Most members of her family had Wikipedia articles, but the layperson didn't have every rich, powerful family in the country memorized.)
So she elected to do a sweep of the lower floor first. Maybe she'd find clues there.
The ground floor was home to the animatronic band, a large dining area, the prize counter, and a few miscellaneous things, like the ball pit and a modestly-sized trampoline zone. She figured she might as well check out the robots first; it seemed like as good of a place as any to start.
The stage was between the kitchen and the dining area where Dipper and Wendy were working on setting up Melody's seating chart. The red velvet curtains were drawn – and even if they were open, this area would definitely be off-limits to patrons. She'd have to be careful about this.
She lingered around a slight opening in the curtains, pretending to check her phone as she waited for the coast to clear. Even with the amount of people running around, it didn't take very long for a lull in traffic to happen.
She sat on the edge of the stage and swung her legs up, trying to act like this was a normal thing to do. Dipper and Wendy seemed to notice her plan, and looked the other way. Plausible deniability.
Once she was standing, she quickly slid behind the curtain, and was immediately in the shadows.
It wasn't completely dark, but her eyes still had to take a moment to adjust from the bright fluorescents that she'd been under all day. The stage lights were switched off, and a single, dim emergency bulb was the only source of illumination.
The shadows cast on the animatronics' faces were eerie, their rubbery faces frozen in cartoonish, buck-toothed smiles. Pacifica quickly turned on her phone's flashlight to try and remedy the atmosphere, but the contrast of the harsh glare wasn't much help.
She gave all of the band members a once-over to check for any cosmetic damage. They all seemed to be in decent shape, as far as thirty year old robots went. There were no rips, scratches, or marks on them that couldn't be attributed to normal wear and tear.
She then examined the area around the stage. There were a few old props scattered around: wooden cutouts of bushes, artificial hay bales, and other Western iconography. These also seemed untouched.
It almost slipped past her at first, because she could still hear her friends working and people moving around the restaurant, but she'd heard something – a quiet sniffling, the tiniest creak of a floorboard. She stopped in her tracks and focused in on the sound, and heard it again. It was muffled.
Pacifica tilted her light in the direction of the noise, and a door revealed itself. It was painted completely black to blend in with the back wall, so she hadn't noticed it in the dark lighting. It must have led to a backstage area for the employees.
She approached the door and slowly pressed her ear to its surface, straining to hear what was behind it. There was the sniffling again, accompanied by some soft grunting, and scraping of claws on the floor. Bingo.
Her fingers wrapped around the handle and she tried to turn it as slowly and quietly as she could. Maybe she could catch it by surprise.
Once the opening was wide enough for her to poke her head in, she saw the bugbear a bit further down the hallway. It was hunched over, engrossed in whatever it had in its hands. Probably more stolen food.
She kept up her hesitant pace as she pushed the door open further and further. It was almost to the point where she could step through when–
Crreeak .
Shit .
The monster's head whipped around, and when it spotted Pacifica, its upper lip curled back. The expression reminded her a bit of herself, which was irritating, to say the least.
She gave up on stealth and fully entered the hallway, shutting the door behind her to cover her tracks. "Alright, you little nuisance. Be a good bugbear and come quietly."
"Your pathetic mortal brain couldn't even begin to comprehend my kind's understanding of 'good'," it hissed at her in a gruff voice.
Pacifica raised her eyebrows. "Wow. It talks."
The bugbear narrowed its eyes. "And it is overdressed for a children's pizza restaurant."
"At least I'm not underdressed." Her eyes flicked down and back up. "That's more than I can say for you."
"Oh, boo hoo. A scrawny, hairless ape wants to criticize my appearance. How will I ever recover?"
Pacifica crossed her arms. She hadn't been expecting the creature to be able to make conversation. Did this change anything? Should she alter her approach? What would her friends do?
The monster lifted a frozen pizza he'd been working on (there was about a third of the pie left) and took a large bite with a crunch . "Mind your business, alright, little miss priss? Walk away now, and I spare you from any further tricks."
"As if." She took a step closer. "What's your damage?"
"You wouldn't believe the day I've had already, and trust me, you don't wanna be the reason it becomes worse."
"Threats don't work on me."
"What will make you go away, then?"
"If you surrender and leave the building, I'll leave you alone."
"Hah!" Crumbs fell from its jowls. "Fat chance."
She rolled her eyes in disgust. "You're seriously not gonna just leave? It would be so easy."
"I don't take orders from annoying teenage girls." He used a claw to pick at his teeth.
She braced herself, clenching her fists and steadying her feet. "Fine. If you don't wanna play nice, we'll have to do this the hard way."
"Are you crazy? Get lost!" He shoved the last of the pizza crust in his mouth. "And don't get in my way!"
In a blink, he flung himself onto the nearest wall, clinging to the grooves between the bricks and scurrying up to another vent.
The bugbear ripped the vent cover off in one tug, carelessly tossing it to the wayside and swinging in.
As quickly as she could, she ran to the vent on the side of the wall, and reached as far inside as her arms could reach. She wasn't quick enough; his Chucky-esque laughter faded as he disappeared into the building.
She stayed still for a few moments, listening to his movements and trying to track him. Since he wasn't exactly subtle, she was able to tell that he was heading to the second floor.
A feeble attempt was made by Pacifica to re-attach the vent cover, but she had no tools, nor the knowledge of how to use them, so she settled for leaning it against the wall and hoping for the best. Someone would take care of that later. Probably.
She walked to the end of the corridor, and found that it exited into some kind of computer room. A few CRT monitors sat on a metal desk, showing live feed of the stage and few other areas.
Servers were hooked up to the towers and covered in old sticky notes that said "DO NOT TOUCH!" in black marker. It appeared that, when this Hoo-Ha Owl's got its renovations, the animatronics' programming didn't receive the same treatment.
Thankfully, it looked like this part of the building hadn't been discovered by the bugbear. All visible wires were intact, and the dust and cobwebs showed no signs of being stirred up. She had to make sure that he didn't make his way in here. If the band was put out of commission, it would ruin half of the reason Soos and Melody picked this dumb location in the first place.
It was also a small blessing that no employees were stationed here right now. She hadn't even considered the fact that she might be under surveillance, which was an amateur mistake on her part (and, frankly, an embarrassing one). She'd have to keep that in mind the next time she was on an indoor mission.
She hastily left the computer room after her inspection. Another short hallway was outside of the room's normal entrance, and after passing a few other rooms that were marked as staff-only, she easily found her way back to the garish carpet in the main lobby.
There were a lot more people in the dining area now.
A diverse crowd of Ramirezes and Martinellis populated the room. Some were already at their assigned seats, and some were socializing, introducing themselves to their new family while making a racket.
How long had she been in the back? It couldn't have been more than ten minutes, right?
She checked her phone.
The ceremony was about twenty minutes away.
Stay calm, Paz. You're a Northwest. Northwests don't lose.
As she crested the top of the stairs (after easily stepping over the rope blocking the way – Hoo-Ha's employees weren't paid enough to care about stopping her), a vast arcade opened up before Pacifica that stretched for the entire length of the building.
It was a lot brighter than the arcade back home – there were several open windows that allowed natural light in, and overhead lights covered the areas the sun didn't. It was surreal. She was used to arcades being dimly-lit caves that smelled like sour candy.
The emptiness of the area felt a little eerie, too. She was the only one up here (along with the bugbear, she hoped).
There was a wide selection of activities. Options ranged from classic games like skee-ball and air hockey to 8-bit machines that hosted Frog Time, Nort, Ghost Maze, and more. On any other day, Pacifica would have been tempted to check for quarters in her wallet.
She walked slowly through the photo booths and miniature cars, keeping her eyes peeled for any flickering shadows or flashes of fur. Ambient noises from the machines muddied her hearing; it was hard to listen for pests when Ho-Down Hero was blasting fast-paced country music.
She checked inside the booths, swiping the curtains back to try and catch her target off-guard. No luck.
She stepped up on the skee-ball lane to peek inside the holes. Nada.
She even got on the ground and looked under anything that was elevated from the floor. Nothing but greasy dust bunnies and candy wrappers.
As Pacifica progressed further, she became more and more on edge. The longer the bugbear was out of her sight, the higher the chance that it was wreaking havoc. If she'd had more time, maybe she would have been able to enlist Dipper's help in setting up a few traps. But, as it stood, she would simply have to wing it.
A whack-a-mole station approached on her left. Surely, it wouldn't be in there . How formulaic would that be?
She approached it and looked inside the openings, despite her doubts.
The bugbear leaped from the center hole and clung to her face like an angry cat.
She stumbled backwards and let out a startled scream, but her voice was muffled by the monster. He started repeatedly hitting her head with a curled fist. "I thought I told you to buzz off, lady!"
Pacifica was able to pry him away from her face with a growl of exertion, but he still managed to swipe at her and leave two parallel scratches on her cheek before she had him at arm's length.
The bugbear squirmed and contorted in her hands, swinging his fists and pounding on her arms. "Get your hands off me, you snooty little–"
" You're the one who attacked me , you overgrown hairball–"
He twisted out of her grasp and scampered backward a few steps after landing with a thump . She took the opportunity to quickly inspect the scratches with her fingertips – they felt superficial, not deep at all. She could worry about first aid later.
She snatched up the padded mallet from the whack-a-mole and took a swing at the bugbear, successfully whacking it in the head. The weapon was soft, so it didn't hurt him, but it did briefly disorient him.
The heiress tried lunging for her target, but she wasn't quick enough. He got his bearings just in time to jump out of the way as the wind was knocked out of her.
He laughed as he ran in the opposite direction, heading towards the stairs. She tossed the mallet aside and kicked off her shoes, pushing herself up and sprinting towards the bugbear.
As he approached the top of the stairs, he feinted right, but swerved left at the last second. It nearly made Pacifica trip, since her pantyhose didn't have much friction on the arcade's carpet, but she was able to quickly redirect herself.
She chased him around the air hockey table twice before she stopped, preventing him from looping her again. He hopped up and placed both hands on the table, grinning at her and showing off the pizza stuck in its teeth.
"Come on, princess. Don't tell me you think this is an acceptable wedding venue."
"I mean, I agree with you," she huffed. "This is the stupidest event I've ever attended in my entire life."
"Like, seriously. Hoo-Ha Owl's ?" He made a fake gagging noise. "What are you, five?"
"Right!" Pacifica rolled her eyes. "How tacky can you get? I couldn't be tackier if I tried ."
The bugbear threw his head back in relief. " Thank you! You know, I don't even know how this plan even made it past the drawing board. I've met toddlers less childish than these losers–"
He was cut off when Pacifica chucked one of the air hockey pucks at his head. It hit him square in the eye.
" Ow! " The creature covered the affected eye. "What the hell?! We were forming a rapport there!"
"Sorry, did you forget the part where you were trying to ruin my friends' wedding?" She glared at him with an air of disdain. "Just because I think this place is dumb doesn't mean I'm gonna let you get away with that."
"Alright, missy! You asked for it!"
He propelled himself across the table, and she reflexively lifted her arms in front of her face in self-defense. The monster got a foothold on her shoulders and started pulling her hair, both to keep his balance and to cause her pain. She swatted at the nuisance and bumped into the racing game behind her as she blindly tried to stop him.
Her hair was going to be ruined. She'd spent an entire hour shaping each and every curl. The perfection was methodical. She had put immeasurable amounts of effort into her appearance for the occasion.
And now? This cretin was undoing all her hard work.
Boiling hot fury flooded Pacifica's veins as she shrieked wordlessly in rage.
Her voice raised a few octaves. "You insect ! Useless, disgusting, Gremlin knockoff! I will sue your ass, and you'll wish you were never born !"
The bugbear didn't return her energy. He just cackled.
She summoned the strength of a thousand aggressive chimpanzees and grabbed the creature, flinging him in a random direction in a single, forceful motion. He landed on top of some nursery rhyme-themed pinball machine, nearly toppling it over.
The machine was otherwise unfazed. It continued its audio loop as the voice of a kindly old woman sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. The display showed a cartoon cow jumped over a full moon with a jolly face.
The bugbear immediately covered his ears and hissed violently at the cow on the screen, appearing to forget about Pacifica for a moment in his ire.
She was able to grab him and put him in an unstable chokehold while he was distracted. He kicked at her arms with his back feet, leaving even more scratches. She was going to be absolutely unpresentable after this was all over.
As she struggled to keep him restrained, she asked, "What's the – point, anyway? What are you – gaining from this?" His efforts to escape interrupted her while she tried to talk.
His voice came out a bit strained. "I only came here in the first place because I wanted – ow! – I wanted to terrorize some kids! That's all I wanted to do!"
Claws raked across her forearm, cutting a bit deeper than before, and Pacifica lost her hold on the bugbear. He did a somersault as he landed to get some distance from her, but he didn't run at first. He just faced her and took a stance reminiscent of a western standoff.
"And what did I find when I came to Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree? What did I find at the prime location for giving children nightmares?" He spat to his left. "A damn wedding! "
Pacifica was short of breath. Her rush of angry adrenaline still felt electric in her bones. "Why didn't you just leave , then?!"
"Because the only thing I hate more than children is adults that act like children !"
"Do you feed on misery or something? Is that it?"
" Yes, actually. I also enjoy fear and sadness. Tastes like chicken." He dropped to all four feet and ran, calling over his shoulder as he finished his reply. "Pizza's good, too!"
She was forced to give chase to the bugbear again. She was getting irritated. Pursuing this thing was like trying to catch a hyped-up toddler with the voice of a cab driver from New Jersey.
They did another lap around the perimeter of the arcade. Pacifica wondered why he didn't just go down the stairs to harass the guests directly. Wouldn't that have been easier and more effective than crawling around in the vents? She doubted it was some kind of magical rule that prevented him from letting himself be seen, since he didn't care too much when everyone saw him in the kitchen.
Maybe he just didn't like crowds. Maybe he was more of a backstage type of guy. Shy, but mean. Somehow.
As they approached the pinball machine again, she noticed he purposefully avoided it, giving it as wide of a berth as possible. It was playing The Itsy Bitsy Spider now.
"You don't even look like a bug or a bear," she called, contempt lacing her voice. "Is there anything you don't screw up?"
He dodged a statue of Fugard the Frog. "You wouldn't understand the etymology, little girl!"
At that exact moment, sound began to travel up the stairs. Some kind of pipe organ.
Pacifica listened closely as they passed by. A piano rendition of Call Me Maybe. It was being played over the loudspeakers downstairs. The ceremony was starting.
She put everything she had into trying to catch up to the bugbear. Maybe she could continue this cycle of distracting and restraining him until the ceremony was over. That wouldn't take too long, right?
Unfortunately, that wasn't going to work. The creature seemed to realize what was happening, too, and his response was to turn right and head for one of the entrances to the playground.
He disappeared into a plastic, neon orange tunnel, and the heiress stopped to catch her breath and consider all the choices she'd made over the course of her life that led up to this.
Before entering the tunnel herself, she took a moment to stare at it. She was nearly at her limit – between her ruined hair, the workout, the stress of her responsibility, and the scratches on her skin and dress, she was ready to have a full-blown tantrum.
But she made a promise, and she didn't intend to break it. She would have rather died than let Dipper and Mabel down.
She steeled her nerves, lowered herself to a crawl, and followed the bugbear.
The Hoo-Ha Owl's indoor playground was a candy-colored, PVC labyrinth.
It hosted an intricate series of tunnels, ramps, slides, bridges, and other child-friendly obstacles to traverse. There were numerous entry and exit points on both floors, which was probably a nightmare for parents during normal business hours. If she'd been allowed to, Pacifica would have loved exploring something like this as a kid.
Right now? Not so much.
She was small enough that she was able to traverse the tunnels with relative ease, but it still wasn't comfortable by any stretch of the imagination. She still had to crawl. And it smelled gross.
She couldn't hear the bugbear anymore. The playground had some sort of strange noise-cancelling property – definitely unsafe, but it might be helpful during the ceremony. Luckily, little handprints of pizza grease had been left behind by the creature, and they marked a clear trail for her to follow.
The yellow corridor turned into a red one as she progressed. Spherical windows gave her glimpses of the outside; the processional was underway, and Soos's Abuelita was leading him down the makeshift aisle. Stan and the Martinelli sisters were right behind them, with the rest of the groomsmen and bridesmaids next in line. Pacifica had to act fast.
She reached an area designed to look like the interior of a submarine. The ceiling here was a little higher, and she was almost able to stand up. A fake wheel was stationed in front of the bubble-like window, and images of radars and monitors were printed on the walls.
The bugbear had his grubby little face pressed against the porthole and was sneering at the wedding party. Thankfully, nobody seemed to notice him; everyone's eyes were on the groom as he took his place on stage.
While the playground was soundproof, it was impossible to be stealthy within its walls, and Pacifica wasn't able to sneak up on the monster. He sneered as he turned towards her. "You just don't know when to quit."
She returned his glower with one of her own. She'd spent her entire life perfecting the art of the condescending, nasty expression. "Enough talk. Let's end this."
His frown deepened. "You want to kill me?"
'I mean, preferably not. Then I'll have an even bigger mess to clean up."
"You're lucky you're too skinny to even consider eating." His upper lip curled again. "Otherwise, I would have left your bones upstairs as a wedding gift."
"That's disgusting."
"Were you expecting flowers?"
Pacifica began to approach him, and he darted into a tunnel to the left. She sped up in pursuit, not intending to let him out of her sight this time.
She chased him through corridors, past jumbo tic-tac-toe boards, past the tunnel that cut through the kitchen, up ladders, and down slides. Colors and patterns blurred together into a bright cacophony.
The processional came to an end outside the playground as Melody was given away by a man that was most likely her father. Pacifica didn't know for sure; she hadn't been introduced yet.
The heiress wanted to stop and watch, wanted to see the look on Soos's face when he saw the bride in her wedding dress for the first time, but she couldn't. There was no time.
The bugbear led her in almost a full cycle around the playground, and before she knew it, they were close to the submarine room again. Right back where they started.
This was reminding her too much of the arcade. Something had to change.
Her target seemed to think the same thing, frantically looking out the passing windows with uncertainty and frustration. Maybe he was realizing that his chances of wreaking havoc were becoming more and more slim by the minute. By the time the ceremony was over, who would even care about mishaps or property damage?
Turning on a dime, the bugbear scrambled up a mini climbing wall, trying to get to higher ground. Pacifica followed and silently thanked whatever higher power was watching her for the rock climbing classes she'd taken a couple summers ago.
The two of them ascended, climbing up slides backwards and taking short flights of stairs. She suspected he was going to try to get to one of the tunnels that formed a bridge over the tables; it would be a perfect waypoint to ruin things from.
And, of course, because it was one of the worst places for him to go, that's exactly where he went.
This particular tunnel was a bit smaller than the others, because the people who designed this place probably didn't think it would be used by anyone other than small children who wanted to wave at their parents from up high. Pacifica couldn't rise above a low kneel without bumping her head.
Curiously, the creature abruptly stopped at one of the windows about halfway down the bridge. It unsheathed a claw and began fiddling with one of the screws at the top right corner of the plastic pane.
The plastic was shatter-proof, but it was also slightly flexible. If the bugbear was able to pry a corner up, sound could travel through the opening, and there was no telling what kind of filth he would yell at the congregation.
She didn't slow her pace as she gritted her teeth and endured how unpleasant the fabric of her dress felt when it was pressed into her kneecaps. The garment was not tailored for comfort, but she'd been through worse.
Just as the screw fell and the bugbear began to wrap his claws around the edge of the plastic, Pacifica caught him in a half-tackle. It wasn't a full tackle, because she had neither the angle nor the leverage to accomplish that, but it was good enough to pin him down.
He thrashed and struggled. "God dammit ! Would you just let me have my moment?!"
"Not a chance," she denied. "I'm honestly embarrassed for you right now."
He made a noise that was halfway between a growl and a roar, and proceeded to bite down on her arm. She yelped in pain, but kept a tight hold on him.
His fangs were so long and stuck out so far that they missed her entirely. Instead, his molars were what clamped onto her forearm. Still painful and still gross, but her skin hadn't been broken. Yet.
Soos and Melody were standing in front of a deacon, and the deacon was standing in front of the Hoo-Ha Owl animatronic. The groom was reading from a wrinkled sheet of notebook paper; his vows, presumably. Everyone on stage had big, sappy smiles on their faces. Not fake ones, either. You couldn't fake that kind of sentiment if you tried.
Pacifica leaned to put all of her weight on the creature, and tried to think of a plan. She could restrain him for a few minutes, tops; she was determined, but he was a tiny powerhouse. Pinning him wouldn't work forever.
He hissed at her. In the back of her mind, she was reminded of his reaction to the pinball machine.
Wait…
That was it!
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star–"
"NO!"
Well, that certainly got a reaction.
"What's the matter?" she asked, playing dumb.
"Don't play dumb with me! You figured out the bugbears' only weakness, didn't you?" He banged his head against the plastic with his limited range of motion.
Not exactly, but I know you hate this song for some reason. "Duh."
"Ugh! Nursery rhymes, lullabies, and other songs that are soothing to children. The bane of my existence!"
Aaand there it is. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star…" she repeated, continuing the song now that she knew its power.
The bugbear hollered and tried to wriggle his arms free, but it was no use. They were trapped at his sides, and his ears were left wide open.
"...how I wonder what you are…"
"You conniving wretch ! I'll use your spine as a toothpick after eating those two oversized children on stage! That's a promise!"
She had to lean in and practically shout the lyrics into his ear canal, since he was making such a racket.
And somehow, miraculously, it was starting to work.
When she was done with a round or two of that song and started to sing Rock-a-bye Baby, his protests had reduced from the level of a tirade to one of a strongly-written letter. His limbs slowly went limp. His eyes struggled to stay open. His insults and threats slurred together.
Her voice lowered in volume with his until he was totally quiet and she was singing at an appropriate level for rocking a newborn to sleep.
"...and down will come baby, cradle and all," the heiress finished with a smirk and a bit of vibrato, never one to pass up an opportunity to show off.
Pacifica examined the creature in her arms. He was nearly asleep, and there was no need to restrain him anymore. She sat up and shifted a bit to make herself more comfortable as she cradled him like a baby. He would have hated this if he was awake, so there was no way he was faking his slumber.
To make sure he stayed asleep, she began a new tune. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…"
She'd heard the song in some movie or television show ages ago, and she'd always thought it was pretty. It was the kind of song that parents should be singing to their children.
As she sang (mostly to herself at this point), she watched the rest of the ceremony through the window. Melody had just finished her vows, and her tiny nephew approached the couple with two wedding bands on a pillow.
Pacifica took everything in as the bugbear began snoring. Nothing about this wedding was polished or classy. Multiple members from both wedding parties were slouching. None of the music was live. There was a literal pig on stage (Pacifica loved Waddles, but he was a pig nonetheless, even while wearing a bow tie).
But everyone seemed really happy. Nobody seemed to care that the groomsmens' ties didn't match, nobody seemed to care that the deacon kept bumping into the robots, and nobody seemed to care that everything about this event was just plain silly.
She looked for Dipper, and found him watching the couple with a tear or two running down his face. He pushed his glasses up and tried to subtly wipe his eyes. On Melody's half of the stage, Mabel was making absolutely no attempt to hide her happy crying.
The deacon gave the signal, and the groom kissed the bride. Pacifica found herself a little misty-eyed, as well.
While she watched Soos and Melody smile like idiots in love, she felt a bit of yearning in her heart, the same sense of longing that she got whenever she thought about other peoples' lives. Motivating and bittersweet (though it was more sweet than bitter this time around). The older she grew, the more cognisant she became of the feeling, but she had no idea what to do with it.
The closest she'd come to understanding it was when she was with the family of freaks below her.
In her arms, the creature tried to roll over in his sleep, and she let its head flop on her shoulder as she headed to the tunnel's exit. The oversized rat might have been kinda ugly-cute in different circumstances, like those scary little dogs people brought to novelty competitions.
As she made her way downstairs, she watched the guests crowd the stage, and could feel the vibrations from their cheers shaking everything within a thirty foot radius.
Perhaps she hadn't done this only for Dipper and Mabel. Soos and Melody were pretty cool, too.
Pacifica made her way out of the playground, exiting the structure by using a short, pink slide next to the prize counter. Both of her arms stayed wrapped around the bugbear so he wouldn't be jostled awake (even though he had proven to be a heavy sleeper).
She stepped behind the counter with haste and went through the door that was marked staff-only, hoping to find a storage area or some other sort of room where she could hide a mascot from a bad eighties film.
She was in luck – this was an unremarkable broom closet. It was small and cluttered, and there were no other ways in. Perfect.
Pulling her phone out with one hand, she snapped a quick selfie with the bugbear, him snoozing on her shoulder like a toddler and her trying to replicate the same pout that models used on the runway. Her disheveled state looked odd with the Blue Steel expression, but she thought it was funny, so she went with it.
She put the creature down, nestling him in the corner and behind a shelf, and texted the picture to Dipper. The attached message read ' got him '.
For about sixty seconds, she worked on clearing some of her notifications, but it wasn't long before he replied.
Where are you?
closet behind prize counter
at least it smells like bleach in here and not like a giant sweatstain
Stay put. I'm coming
dont tell me what to do
Outside the door, Pacifica heard the muffled noises of the crowd dispersing. That meant the reception was starting – and if that was the case, she'd really been cutting it down to the wire.
Not five minutes later, the door opened, and Dipper stepped through with a cautious look over his shoulder.
She could have hugged him so hard in that moment. The entire ordeal had exhausted her, and she found herself overwhelmed with relief and happiness now that her best friend was here.
The concern in his eyes deepened. "Are you okay?"
She put her hands on her hips. "I know he ruined my hair, but is it that bad?"
"No, not that. I–" He huffed and stepped closer to her. "Here."
Dipper reached for her arm, and she allowed him to inspect the bite mark. There hadn't been any bleeding, but the area was turning a bit purple. Yeesh . No wonder he was worried.
"How'd you manage this one?"
She pressed down on the bruise to gauge its intensity. "It would have been a lot worse if he aimed two inches to the left."
His eyes drifted up to the scratches on her face, and then over to the bugbear. "Find something to disinfect your wounds while I take care of him."
"You're welcome, by the way."
He smiled at her as he pulled out a paracord keychain and his pocket knife. "I'm not really the one who should be thanking you, but you're a literal lifesaver, so thanks."
As Dipper untied the cord, Pacifica was able to locate a half-empty tube of antibiotic ointment in a nearby first aid kit. Using her phone as a mirror, she dabbed it on her injuries, trying to make it as inconspicuous as possible. She didn't want her face to be shiny.
Her friend began cutting the cord into shorter pieces. "Are you hurt anywhere else? Do we need to make an E.R. trip?"
(He was being completely serious. The emergency room in Gravity Falls was on a first-name basis with the Pines family.)
"No." She screwed the cap back on the tube. "Honestly, he was a bigger pain in my ass than anything else."
"Good." A length of neon orange rope was tied around the bugbear's wrists. "Nice work, by the way. I was keeping an eye out for you the whole time. Once you went behind the curtains, I had no clue where you went."
"If I ever wanted to get away with murder, I'd do it here." Her fingers combed through her hair, trying to mask some of the damage. "That thing had the loudest mouth I've ever seen in my life. I mean, talk about obnoxious . So if you guys couldn't hear us, this entire place must be soundproof."
"Wouldn't that be some kind of safety concern?"
"That's exactly what I thought."
"In any case, he won't be causing trouble any time soon."
Dipper stepped back and admired his handiwork: one bugbear, fast asleep and bound to the shelf with tidy knots. The creature was secure enough to leave in that spot until Ford could tend to relocating him.
Pacifica bumped her friend's arm. "Were you a boy scout or something?"
"I might have dabbled in some scouting in my youth."
"Top ten lamest things you've ever said to me."
"Are boy scouts lame now?"
"No, it's just the way you said it."
"Gotcha."
She sighed and put her phone away. "Well, I'm bored now."
"Well, there's an entire entertainment center at our disposal. We could go watch the band, or hit the arcade–" He stood up a little straighter, like he was remembering something. "Wait, you never got your tokens!"
She remembered seeing gift bags on a table at the entrance. That must have been where every guest's complimentary arcade tokens were distributed.
"I'll get them later." The last thing she wanted to do right then was climb up another flight of stairs. "Let's just go chill for a bit, okay?"
"Whatever you say. You've earned it."
Dipper offered her his arm, and she linked hers through it.
As he opened the closet door, the chaos nearly knocked Pacifica on her feet. A gaggle of unfamiliar children ran by the prize counter, and across the room, two of Soos's tíos had him in a headlock and were giving him affectionate noogies. Melody was laughing at the display.
The music from the stage seeped through the entire building, and almost everyone's energy matched the beat of Straight Blanchin' by Lil Bigg Dawgg. Pacifica didn't even feel the need to make a snooty comment within her own mind at the ill-fitting song choice. Either she was too tired to care, or she was starting to accept the silliness.
She tugged on Dipper's elbow. "Let me go congratulate them. Not attending the ceremony is kinda embarrassing, right?"
He pursed his lips and shook his head. "I think you're good. Mabel told them you were having lady problems."
"Of course she did."
The couple spotted them as they got closer, and they excused themselves to meet the duo halfway.
"Hey, dudes!" Soos called with a wave. "Ready to par-tay?"
"You know it!" Dipper replied. "What's it like being married? You enjoying it so far?"
"It's so awesome!" Melody squeezed Soos's arm with a grin. "Like a big bowl of nachos with awesomesauce drizzled on top."
" So awesomesauce," Pacifica said in a deadpan voice.
"You feeling better now, Pacifica?" The bride gave her a polite and thoughtful look of concern.
She felt her cheeks turn a little pink. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry I missed everything."
Soos shook his head. "Don't even worry about it, dude. We got it all on tape. I'll show it to you later!"
Melody nodded. "Yeah, his vows are gonna make you cry. There wasn't a single dry eye in the room."
" My vows?" He kissed her cheek. "Just wait til you hear hers ! I thought I was a goner!"
Pacifica felt a little warm and fuzzy seeing their kindness towards her and their love for each other. They really knew how to put people at ease.
The groom's brow furrowed as he appeared to notice her injuries, which were harder to see in the lower light. "Wait a minute. Pacifica? You look kinda like a scratching post. Is everything okay?"
Melody squinted her eyes to see better in the neon glow, and widened them again. She let go of Soos and came closer to the girl. "Oh, my gosh! Did something happen?"
Pacifica's brain went completely blank, and she tucked her bitten arm closer to her body. "No. I mean – yes, I'm fine. I just…"
She bit her lip and looked to her friend for assistance. He was floundering, as well; his mouth was stuck open as he tried to think of what to say. Then, something sparked in his eyes.
"Hey…" Dipper's eyebrows raised and looked towards her. "You wanna tell them?"
She held his gaze as she considered his query. Now that the problem was solved and the ceremony was done, there was no reason to keep it a secret anymore, right? Besides, she didn't really care either way. If Dipper thought it was a good option, it probably was – he knew Soos better than she did, after all.
She shrugged. "If you want to."
"Okay, then."
Soos came closer, as well. The four of them were almost in a huddle now. "There's something you're not telling me, isn't there? Pterodactyl Bros don't keep secrets."
"It wasn't really a secret ," Dipper explained. "We just didn't want you guys to freak out on your wedding day."
"Well, what really happened?" Melody looked curious, but cautious, too. Neither Pacifica nor Dipper could blame her. They were being a little vague.
"There was a monster in the building trying to ruin the wedding," Pacifica swiftly clarified. No use in beating around the bush if they had decided to tell the truth.
Soos and Melody gasped in unison.
"For real?" he asked in shock.
"For real," said Dipper. "And Pacifica is the one who handled it."
Melody's hand clapped to her cheek. "What kind of monster?"
"A bugbear."
"Oh, one of those used to bother my cousin when he was little." She shook her head. "Mean little suckers, but lullabies always put them right to sleep."
Pacifica clenched her teeth into a fake smile as Melody's words sunk in and she realized how much time had been wasted by hiding the problem from the couple. "Yeah, I figured that out."
"Wow, so you were, like, totally saving the day, then!" Soos's expression softened as he beamed at the heiress. "Like the phantom of the opera!"
Melody giggled. "Baby, I don't think that's how that one goes."
"He's right, though." Dipper nudged Pacifica. "Paz volunteered to help, and she really came through."
"It wasn't that big of a deal," she said as she primped her hair a little.
"Are you kidding? I didn't even know anything was wrong!" Melody blinked. "Besides that chewed wire, but I kinda forgot about that once you and Mabel stepped out."
"Yeah, you must have done a real good job, cause I had no clue, either. I don't even know what a bugbear is. " Soos chuckled. "Sounds scary."
Pacifica rolled her eyes. "It's a lot less impressive than the name would imply. Trust me."
"Either way, you should be proud of yourself," said Dipper. "You subdued it without any tools or help, and you figured out its weakness on your own. Really impressive stuff."
She batted her eyelashes at him. "Aww, do I get a pat on the head now? Do I get a gold star?"
"I'm serious . You didn't have to help, but you did." He tilted his head towards her. "Everything went perfectly because of you , Paz."
Her cheeks were warming up again.
Soos clasped his hands to his chest. "You really did all that just for me and Melody, huh?"
She looked at the floor. "I mean, I guess."
"That's it. You're getting a hug. It's hug time."
The man reached his arms out and pulled Pacifica away from Dipper and into a big hug before she had much of a chance to react.
Her first instinct was to recoil, because Soos wasn't on her list of people with hug privileges – not to mention, he was kinda sweaty. But she didn't recoil. She didn't pull away. She didn't even make any noises of disgust. Instead, she uneasily returned the hug, giving him a few polite pats on the shoulder.
Hugging Soos wasn't that bad. He was like a big, old teddy bear. And he was always so friendly to her that she could excuse a little bit of sweatiness for a few short seconds.
Soos and Melody were grateful to her. That felt good. Knowing she was the reason that they got to experience their perfect wedding felt good.
And Dipper was proud of her. He'd just bragged on her. That felt good, too. It wasn't the same kind of pride that she saw in her parents when they praised her. He wasn't proud of her because he got any personal gain from her success – he was proud of her because she was his friend, and she'd done a good deed.
There were those warm fuzzies again.
A moment later, Soos released her, and Melody gave her a quick side hug as well. "Thanks so much, Pacifica! And thanks again for doing my makeup, too. You're the coolest."
"Ditto!" He paused. "On the 'thanks' thing, not the makeup thing. But seriously, we owe you big time , dude."
Get that in writing, the voices of Pacifica's parents echoed in her head. "Don't mention it," she said out loud.
Over the speakers, Straight Blanchin' ended, and Sweet Caroline started. The strumming of the guitar in the song's intro made something inside Pacifica come to life.
She took Dipper's arm again. "Dipper, I love this song!"
"You do?" He chuckled nervously.
"Come dance with me."
"You know I've got two left feet, right?"
"Hey, you need to dance with me at least once . You invited me , remember?"
"Listen to the girl, Dipper." Melody made mischievous eye contact with Pacifica. "Be a gentleman and dance with your friend."
"Yeah, dude, go for it!" Soos clapped his shoulder. "Melody and I's first dance isn't until after dinner, anyway."
" Fine ," he conceded with an eye roll and a suppressed smile. "But if I make you look bad, I don't wanna hear a single word out of you, Paz."
"As long as you don't step on my toes."
She began to drag him towards the cleared area in front of the stage, and they both waved farewell to Soos and Melody for the moment. The newlyweds were quickly approached by more family members – they'd be busy for the rest of the evening, no doubt.
The friends approached the makeshift dance floor, which was already being used by a handful of people. A woman that looked like she was from Soos's side of the family was dancing with a young child, who was balancing on her feet. Melody's sisters had joined hands and were spinning, their heads thrown back in laughter. And Reggie and his wife were dancing at a tempo that was much slower than Sweet Caroline called for.
The animatronic band was "playing" the song, and Hoo-Ha's beak was snapping open and shut to match the lyrics. It was a little unsettling, but Pacifica was past caring.
She led Dipper to a spot that was a reasonable distance away from the other dancers and placed her hands on his shoulders. He stared at her, looking a little flushed and nervous.
"Ugh, do I have to do everything around here? It's like you've never been to a cotillion before." She sighed and grabbed his hands, placing them at an acceptable spot above her waist. "It's so easy. Just follow my lead."
She resumed her original position and guided him into a basic swaying motion. He was obviously completely out of his element, so she decided to start with something simple, the kind of dance awkward middle schoolers would be doing at homecoming. A formal ballroom dance could be introduced at a later date.
Dipper caught on fairly quickly, and seemed to relax a little. His shoulders became less stiff, and the anxiety in his face started to dissolve. But he still was still avoiding her eyes.
Pacifica gave him an encouraging nod. "See? Easy. A literal baby could do it."
"To tell the truth, I've never really danced before."
"Bullshit. You dance with Mabel all the time."
"That's different. She's my sister, and it's usually just when we're being stupid. Goofing off." He looked down. "I mean, I never like… went to any of my school dances, or anything."
"I kind of have the opposite problem." She looked down, too. "I've been dragged to way too many events where I've had to dance with people I barely even know. It gets old fast."
Dipper chuckled. "Well, I hope I'm not boring you, then."
"Hanging out with you is never boring." A rush of shyness crept into her skin at the sliver of sincerity she'd let loose. She quickly corrected herself. "Like, I'm constantly having to worry about getting eaten by mutant beavers or something. And do you know how many nails I've broken because of you getting us into trouble?"
His chin lifted, and he smiled at her fondly. "I assume it's a pretty high number."
"I should have my nail technician send you an invoice."
The two of them laughed together as the song transitioned into the chorus, and the entire building echoed the 'bum, bum, bum' on cue.
They danced without speaking for a few moments as the second verse began. For once, Pacifica didn't feel the need to fill the empty space with idle conversation. It was just a nice moment with her best friend.
Her next thought came organically – she hadn't forced it. It just popped into her head. "Hey, Dipper?"
He tilted his head slightly. "Yeah?"
"When we got here this morning, I hated weddings." She paused. "At least, I thought I did."
"Really?"
"Yep." She shut her eyes as dull memories resurfaced. "Every single time I had to go to a wedding, I was miserable the entire time. They were always too long, and I had nobody to talk to, and there was never any originality. It was always the same wedding, every single time."
His face contorted a little in sympathy. "Oh, yeah, I would have been bored out of my mind, too. I can't imagine how stuffy rich people weddings are. No offense."
"None taken. Anyway, I was kind of expecting some of the same things to happen today, but I agreed to come because…"
Because I was intrigued by something that sounded like such a trainwreck? Because I kind of love your family? Because you, specifically you, Dipper, asked me to?
"...because it was polite. Attending the wedding of someone in my social circle is the proper thing to do. It's expected. Even if I hated weddings."
His tone was inquisitive, but gentle. "Well, what made you change your mind?"
Pacifica looked around, soaking in the joy and familiarity that every single person around her was emanating. Nobody seemed worried about following any dumb rules. Nobody seemed worried about impressing anyone else.
Everyone in attendance at this wedding was here to celebrate the love of two people, who they also loved in turn, by doing things that made them happy. No expectations. No pressure. Just good vibrations.
Pacifica shrugged, and the corners of her mouth hinted at a smile. "I found out that weddings can be fun."
Dipper returned her expression, and the music swelled as the second chorus burst forth from the lungs of the other guests.
Pacifica introduced a little bit of pep to their dance, just a small amount, and he matched it without a second thought. To her surprise, he moved one hand away from her shoulder and used it to take hers, switching to a stance that resembled a waltz. The actual motion of the routine they'd fallen into stayed the same, but she was impressed that he'd had the guts to switch anything up at all.
Maybe once Sweet Caroline was over, she'd take him up on his offer of arcade tokens and challenge him to a game of Fight Fighters. She might even grab a party hat to match his (and everyone else's).
It was going to be a good night.