(AN: Hi! This is the first time I dare to publish anything, and also it's my first time writing in english, but I hope you get to enjoy this piece. I recently played the original ME trilogy (I know I'm like 15 years late or so) and I got devastated, so I gotta write something to get it out of my chest. Your reviews and advices are more than welcome. Thanks for reading.)

Turians don't cry

Bullets were hissing, shots coming from all around. The scenario was the most explicit definition of chaos: The inferno of the battlefield, the city's destruction, bodies scattered everywhere. The mixture of horror, despair and anger in the screams surrounding, the smoke spreading the metallic scent of the blood. Explosions from afar lighted the night sky up in orange flashes, outlining briefly the Harbinger's gargantuan silhouette against the firmament. A threatening glowing red light from one of its eyes suggested another incoming beam.

"You gotta get out of here" ordered Shepard as she delivered both Garrus and Liara back to the Normandy. The last reaper's strike nearly got them, and although they were still alive both suffered from severe wounds, almost unable to stand up by themselves and practically impossible for them to move. Garrus' hardsuit was shredded like a piece of cloth, none of its functions operative, his visor showing nothing but static. And just because of one strike that wasn't even a direct hit. Shepard was exhausted, gasping, bleeding, beaten and injured. But she could still move.

"And you've gotta be kidding me," said Garrus, trying to sound as clear and blunt as possible, but his subharmonics betrayed him: he was practically begging.

"Don't argue, Garrus." That was an order.

"We're in this till the end." Pleaded the turian, his voice faltering out of pain.

"No matter what happens here…" Shepard walked towards him and set a hand on his face, cupping gently his cheekbone. Garrus leant slightly his head making as much contact as possible with Shepard's hand "...You know I love you. I always will."

"Shepard, I…" whispered Garrus, shuddering, holding on to the hand she had placed on him. "...love you too."

Shepard stepped back. Garrus' hand followed her trying to reach her again, using his last bit of energy to cling to her existence. She glanced at him, and even if in her eyes, the green of them contrasting against the wreckage and destruction behind, he could read with no doubt an immense sadness, aware that her odds were not the best, he could also read love. Up until that moment Garrus never got to realize how much Shepard loved him. He always assumed that he loved and needed her way more than she loved and needed him, and he was ok with that. But in that moment he just realized how obviously wrong he had been. Now, staring at those eyes filled with sadness, love and goodbyes, at that glance that said so much in a second that seemed to last an aeon, he also could sense that fierce determination that Shepard always had shown. How could she be so confident on the brink of extinction?

"Go!" Yelled Shepard, dismissing them with a gesture. The reaper bellowed. It was about to strike again.

The Normandy took off as Shepard's figure, getting smaller as they raised from the ground, ran straight to the white beam. Then the Harbinger struck back and the graybox's projection flicked timidly before shutting down with a click.

"Do you wish to play memory L01-2186 again?" The graybox's VI asked.

The turian was sitting on the floor with both arms around his legs. He raised his head a bit to the VI's question. Amidst the darkness in the room his glacial blue eyes, sunken, stared at the small device in the table, a blue light on it blinking, waiting for an answer.

"Yes, play it again."

Garrus had lost count of how many times he'd put himself through this.

The graybox projected the scene again. The bullets hissing, the reaper's red light, the white beam behind. Shepard.

"You gotta get out of here."

Garrus buried his head into his knees, making himself a ball against the corner.

"And you've got to be kidding me."

Garrus' body always shook with loathe in that part. Move, you bastard, he thought. That day Shepard called the Normandy to pick him up because he didn't live up to the situation. He couldn't keep up with her pace. He slowed her down. He failed.

He failed her.

He was ready to die for her, he was ready to die with her,—spirits—the least he could've done was dying at her side. But Shepard passed away alone once again, forsaken while giving her breath away to save a galaxy that meant nothing without her.

"Don't argue, Garrus."

Let me go with you.

The projection glitched, getting stuck in that part.

"Don't argue, Garrus."

Let me die with you.

"Don't… argue, Garrus."

I miss you.

"Don't… argue… Garrus."

Shepard, I… please…

"Don't arg…" the graybox glitched with static again. "No matter what…" more static "...You know I love you. I always will-"

He'd listened to those words a thousand times in the last months, and yet he felt that ache inside him every single time. Garrus moved his hands all over his fringe and buried his head even deeper into the knees, trembling. He'd wish turians to be able to cry, as if that way he could somehow get rid of the dark knot of despair that had been growing for weeks in his entrails. He saw it worked for some humans or asari, but for him…

"Do you wish to play memory L01-2186 again?"

"Yes."

Garrus remembered his fight with Liara. It happened a couple of weeks or so after their last stand on Earth, when even the turian acknowledged what he refused to admit until then: That Shepard was gone. For good this time.

But you already thought that once and you were mistaken.

"Shh." Garrus forced himself constantly to silence that recurring thought, shushing it away. There was a certain amount of self destruction he could stand, and bearing delusional hopes was definitely off limits. That was his last bit of discipline remaining.

After submitting to the obvious he resorted to his asari friend for a favor utterly hideous and painful. This idea would've been barely acceptable even if he was the only one suffering out of it, but he knew how destructive what he was about to ask would be also for his friend. Liara adored Shepard. It was clear that she loved her once, and for an asari that is not some feeling to vanish in any short time. Garrus knew that after an initial heartache the asari felt content with her friendship with the commander and seemed like the wound was healing away. But he was also well aware that Shepard's death undid any progress, and Liara was no good actress to conceal her anguish. Anyway, to hell with everything. He didn't care anymore.

That last day on Earth both Liara and Garrus were both beside Shepard, so Liara saw it all. She witnessed how Shepard bid her last farewell to Garrus.

She saw her loved one devoting her last words to you, and you hit her where it hurted the fucking most. Spirits… what the fuck was wrong with you?

Another thought to dismiss.

Asari could transfer thoughts and memories to others, and with the appropriate technology they could even store them. So yes, after Garrus put his claws on a rare graybox (not Kasumi's one. He got his from, uh…well, from a good samaritan in some canteen in a space station on the outskirts of he wasn't sure which system) he asked Liara to revive that moment —that trauma—and store it in the device. He asked Liara to do something not only incredibly painful, but also so personal and intimate for her kind. What he did was disgusting on so many levels Garrus only realized its magnitude way long after the damage was done.

"With what purpose? Garrus, I know you're in pain, but…" Liara tried to appease his emotions, in vain.

"The purpose is none of your business." Even at that moment Garrus realized how cruel and insensitive he was being to someone who had been just good to him. Liara never deserved that treatment. But the turian was not being rational, of course.

He felt ashamed for what he was asking, both because of the damage it would do to Liara and himself, and because it meant admitting how deeply he needed Shepard. He felt desperate, and wanted to finish it quickly. He didn't want to reason out his emotions. He just wanted to be able to hear Shepard's voice again saying "I love you".

"It is my business if you're asking me to pour the most painful memory I've… we've"—she corrected— "ever been through in that thing to, what? To emotionally stab yourself over and over again? Do you realize how incredibly unhealthy, to put it mildly, this is, Garrus?"

Huh, unhealthy. Like if I didn't know.

"Do you plan to kill yourself out of sorrow?" She softened her tone. "Do you think she'd want you to do that?"

But that sentence made Garrus lose the last drop of rationality. Usually he could brag of an excellent memory, a basic skill for a C-Sec agent, but that fight with Liara was now all blurry in his brain, like a night on shore leave after too many drinks. After that he just remembered fragments, how demented he was.

"You're disgracing her sacrifice!" He recalled Liara shouting at him with tears rolling down her cheeks. "You believe you are entitled to this just because she loved you back! You think you are in more pain than us, but you were not the only one who loved her!"

She was right. Liara was right all the time.

He remembered the both of them yelling, saying things you should never say to a friend, mostly because they are a lie crafted to hurt. He remembered the Normandy's crew gathering around Liara's office as the two of them raised their voices. He'd never seen Liara that furious before, so mad she could not completely control her biotics. The angrier she was the brighter the blue flashes around her. At some point, he remembered Alenko coming in and punching his face. Garrus punched back, but probably Kaidan had the right to do it first.

What he didn't exactly recall is how he managed to convince Liara to actually put the memory into the graybox, only that at some point he fell on his knees and probably she took pity on him. But he could picture Liara's face after doing it, flooded in tears as Tali ran to comfort her.

That was the first time he wished turians could cry.

He left the Normandy shortly after. He could not stay anymore, of course. Not just because that ship was as Shepard as her human body, and consequently being in it a constant reminder of her absence, but also because his outburst got him kicked out.

"You can harm yourself however you want, but I won't let anyone treat this crew like you did today. We have enough." Said Alenko scathingly just before closing Normandy's main access, leaving Garrus out.

Now, on the floor of the dark room where Garrus ate (barely), slept (almost none) and self-pitied, Garrus counted his mistakes. How much a turian can fuck things up in just a few hours?

I've probably set a record. He smirked. The closest to a smile in months.

That day on Earth, before they headed to the white beam, Garrus and Shepard shared some promises, how foolishly optimistic they were. They promised that if both of them were to survive they'd retire somewhere warm and tropical to live off the royalties of the movies. That if he'd die he'd wait for her up in heaven, even if his spirit had to find human's paradise and force his way into it. They promised they'd try their best to make human-turian babies, even though they probably should resort to adopting some cute little krogan. They kissed and lost themselves in each other's embrace for a while. Spirits… he still could smell her scent in the air like she was there with him.

Spirits, Shepard. Who cares about the galaxy if you're not in it? I'd rather be harvested. It is indeed an awfully empty galaxy without you.

"Goodbye, Garrus. And if I'm up there in that bar and you're not…I'll be looking down. You'll never be alone."

Then why do I feel so alone, Shepard?

Probably because he'd been so incapable of controlling his pain that he pushed everyone else away. He pushed out the ones that could've help him mourn and grace Shepard's memory. Because there was so little left from Shepard, just a memory in a box, that he needed all of them to go away so he could feel her again.

He probably felt so alone because her spirit looked away after Garrus made this pathetic waste out of himself. And that thought felt like a knife ripping him apart. That thought… the sole idea of letting down Shepard even in her afterlife...No. For the first time in a long time Garrus Vakarian woke up and looked around, at the mess his life had become.

I'm… I'm sorry for disappointing you again, Commander. But if you ever look down again, I promise I'll make you proud.

He felt an engine shyly igniting back inside him. It was a little something, barely perceptible, but enough to get him on his feet and moving. Just for the sake to honor her memory, just for the sake to honor her sacrifice, just for the sake to honor their love… he'd grab his pieces from the floor and move again. He'll do better.

If Liara could hear his reasoning she'd probably point (quite rightly) that maybe it wasn't either the healthiest way to get going, that he should do it out of self-respect and not because he was emotionally dependent on a ghost. Yeah, he knew that. But it was some sort of beginning.

You gotta start somehow, right?

Garrus shook his head to the thought of Liara. Spirits… he doesn't even know how to dare to ask for her forgiveness.