His Truth, a chicago pd fanfic

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A tiny little ditty for ya.

Episode 10.3- just can't let it go. Honestly, I am only a grudge holder when it comes to the nonsense on Chicago PD. You,(my peeps) piss me off, I'm gonna forgive and forget and still gonna love ya at the same level as peanut butter ice cream!

So, that said, the aftermath of the fight where Jay stabbed the guy who was choking him-trying to kill him, bugged the shit out of me, so I wrote this not long after the episode aired and forgot about it.

I just found it, tweaked it and now I'm putting it out into the universe. Fly free, little one, fly free right into the side of a building.

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He's looking out the window. The lights of the city a blur through his reflection.

Her face is pinched with worry, her voice soft, her eyes trying to X-ray, "Are you okay?"

He doesn't really know what she's asking? Physically? Physically he's sore. His neck hurts from being strangled. His head hurts but he's had worse.

Emotionally?

He barely finds his voice, finds the courage to say his truth out loud when it shouldn't have to be said, "It was self defense…It wasn't murder."

"What?"

"The guy. I stabbed him…"

He cringes at the memory, the blade sinking into the guy's body over and over, the sound he made when he was dying.

"…he was choking me and I got ahold of the knife and I stabbed him until he stopped choking me-when he was dead."

He isn't looking at her, still looking out the window.

"Jay…"

"I'm not a murderer."

She pauses for a second. Why is he saying this?

"No one said you were a murderer. Why do you…"

He swallows, it hurts to swallow, "Voight said it…you said it."

"Jay what?! We didn't. What?!"

She steps closer, but doesn't touch him, "Jay, please...Please look at me, Jay."

He barely shifts his body to face her. When he meets her eyes, his are dull, flat, just like his voice.

"You're not a murderer. Don't think that."

"I'm not. It was self defense. But Voight…you…we did it again. Hiding things. Why else would you hide it if you didn't think it."

"Jay…you'd gone dark. You weren't supposed to be there. You would have been suspended, maybe lost your badge, charged with a crime. We had…"

"Then that's what would've happened. Maybe I just would have gotten a reprimand, suspended, fired. Maybe… But it was self defense. Hiding it made it look like it was murder."

She doesn't know what to say.

The dullness in his eyes, his voice, goes away, replaced with despair, "And I can't say anything now, admit it, I have to live with it. I can't tell anyone what happened. You'd get in trouble, Voight would…I would end up in jail for sure…for murder…I'm not a murderer."

He can't say it enough, but he isn't trying to convince himself…he's trying to convince her.

He blinks to his reflection in the window then back at her, "I saved myself…but that night, Voight, you, you took the knife, hid it, came up with a story…you thought I murdered him…you thought I became Voight…right? You loved me, tried to protect me but in the process of it, you called me a murderer…you didn't need to say the word…your eyes, Voight's eyes, said it for you."

He looks away from her and leans into his reflection, the only one who believes what he's saying, "It was self defense."

The End

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Thanks for reading and any kudos, comments or reviews!

Stay safe peeps! Big smooch!