Sometime after she tastes wine on Maura's lips, Kelly stumbles and bounces through the open doorway into the spare bedroom she is calling home. She pulls Maura with her and once again their lips crash together, tongues sliding desperately against one another. It's a lustful meeting of two bodies that feel like they are made for each other.
She pulls away to catch her breath and in that moment Maura turns her back, gracefully pulling her honey blonde locks to the side in the process. Kelly steps in close, revelling in their proximity and this unexpected turn of events. She bites down on the passion that previously propelled them down the hall, bouncing from wall to wall. Instead choosing to appreciate the wonder in the moment as she slowly pulls down the zipper on Maura's dress. She brings her hand up and gently slides one of the straps down over Maura's shoulder. Her breath hitches as she murmurs, "You are so beautiful."
She watches Maura slide the other strap down as she turns and allows her dress to fall to the floor. Maura's blushing at the compliment, but Kelly's eyes are planted on the black lace lingerie she's wearing. It perfectly accentuates her figure and it stokes the fire that's burning at the very core of her. It occurs to Kelly that one way or another Maura intended for her night to end with a bang. It's a momentarily sobering thought, but before she can think too deeply on it Maura's lips reconnect with hers and deft fingers tangle in her hair.
Kelly finds herself being nudged back towards the bed and she complies, sitting when the back of her legs have nowhere else to go. She looks up at Maura in absolute awe. It feels surreal. She licks her lips and lifts her arms as Maura helps her out of the tee shirt she's wearing. She takes Maura by the hand and tugs her into the space between her legs, relishing in the height difference created. Heaven feels like it is right in reach when Maura draws her head against her chest and holds her so close.
Maura's hands tangle in her hair again and then she gently massages her scalp. It's so tender and not at all passionate, which strikes Kelly strangely. Somehow their lustful desires have simmered and Maura has melted into a quieter kind of intimacy. Although her face is mushed between two very voluptuous lace covered breasts right now and it feels fantastic.
It's disappointing when Maura steps away, taking her glorious breasts with her, but Kelly quickly discovers it's because Maura has other plans. In no time they are tangled together on the bed, kissing like there's no tomorrow. Kelly wants to worship every part of this woman's body so she breaks from their heated kiss to start kissing her way down Maura's jaw and along her clavicle. It feels amazing until she hears a sob. That single sob brings everything to a screaming halt.
Kelly rolls to the side and sits up, searching Maura's eyes. Tears are streaming down her face and they do not look like good tears. She feels her heart sink. She reaches out and gently brushes some of the tears away with the back of her hand. She already knows without asking a single thing, that Maura is not ready for this. Whatever she feels, whatever this is for her, she's not ready. "Are you alright?" Kelly questions quietly.
She watches patiently as Maura tries to compose herself, continuing to gently stroke her cheek with the back of her hand. At her most vulnerable, Maura has never looked more beautiful, at least not to Kelly. She leans down and presses her lips against Maura's forehead and says, "It's okay. You don't have to explain. I'm right here."
Maura's hand threads through her hair before she pulls her down towards her mouth for a searing kiss that's intensity slows into something more languid and hopeful. Kelly gets the sense that Maura is desperate for comfort and not necessarily the passion that initially brought them together. She pulls away from the kiss and readjusts her body so that she can wrap Maura up in her arms. She pulls her closer to her body and presses her lips against the base of her neck. "I've got you, I'm not going anywhere."
She is true to her word. She lays there with Maura wrapped tightly in her arms and listens as Maura's breathing starts to even out. From time to time she peppers a kiss against Maura's shoulder or the back of her head, absolutely revelling in the soft intimacy of their position. It doesn't matter that the night's more pleasurable proceedings were brought to a halt, because this right here is what she lives for.
Kelly listens to Maura's breathing and when she thinks the woman is finally asleep she allows the exhaustion from her evening to take over and she closes her eyes. She is almost asleep when Maura's voice breaks the silence.
"Do you really think that she has it in her to physically assault me?"
Maura sounds so timid and hesitant, like she has been thinking about this subject for a while. Kelly immediately presses her lips against Maura's shoulder and lets them linger while she seriously considers her answer. In the heat of the moment earlier she definitely felt like it was possible and she still does, but she knows she has some bias that makes it a difficult question to answer.
It would be so easy to run her mouth and bash Gabby right now, but doing that ignores what has drawn them so close to one another. Truth and honesty. "All I know is when she had me in her hands her eyes were empty. Her anger was all consuming and I've seen that before. It didn't end well, so yeah I worry. I don't want you going down that same path."
Maura shifts in her arms, rolling over so that they're facing one another. Kelly can tell she has questions and braces herself knowing that part of swinging for the fences with this woman may well involve opening up on something that she hasn't spoken to a soul about in almost a decade. She prays Maura's curiosity is mild, because already she feels the scars on her heart throb like fresh wounds simply from the anticipation.
Maura reaches out and lightly traces her fingertips around her head laceration. "Are you talking about first hand experience at the hands of an abuser?"
Kelly's first thought is she wishes that was the case, because she's still here. She could say she lived to tell the tale. If only. As it is, the emotion of her reality catches in her throat and she has to clear it in an attempt to speak. "No, I wasn't the victim."
"Someone close to you?"
Kelly nods, not yet sure she has the words. She wants to find them because just maybe it makes a difference now and just maybe it brings her relief from the guilt she lives with every day.
Maura glides the back of her hand along Kelly's cheek, before cupping it in her hand and leaning in for a brief but tender kiss. Her eyes look incredibly sad and Kelly cannot tell who the sadness is for, she thinks it may be for the both of them. "Why do I see guilt in your eyes, darling? What happened?"
Kelly closes her eyes upon hearing the question. The prompt brings back a wealth of memories. Very bad memories. Several tears paint a trail across her face. She forces her eyes open so that she can meet Maura's saddened gaze. She takes a deep fortifying breath and speaks quietly, "My best friend from childhood, she uh, she fell in love with the wrong woman. Quite a few things happened and uh… she uh…"
Kelly shakes her head against the pillow as the pain ripping through her chest overwhelms her. She closes her eyes and allows Maura to pull her into her arms. She buries her face against the crook of Maura's neck and tries to hold back a fresh bout of tears. "I… I can't."
"It's alright, we don't have to talk about this. Just take nice and easy breathes, darling. That's it. Breathe in and out." Maura's voice is so soft and supportive, it sneaks in under her skin. There's a level of safety Kelly feels that she honestly doesn't believe she's felt before. She would happily lay in this woman's arms for eternity.
"I'm sorry," Kelly murmurs against Maura's neck. "I don't… I've never… I don't usually talk about this."
Maura's arms continue to cocoon her like a warm blanket. Maura presses gentle kisses against the side of her head and quietly says, "I'm here if you think you'd like to talk about it. But we don't have to."
It's a difficult topic for Kelly, for many reasons, the outcome of the situation for one, but also the timing of everything. They are mere days from the anniversary of her best friend's death. It will be ten years on the 23rd of December. She takes a deep breath and untangles herself just enough to draw back and meet Maura's eyes. "The twenty third is the ten year anniversary of Deanna's death."
"Oh darling, I'm so very sorry."
Kelly sighs, "Her girlfriend, she was quite abusive, but uh at first I couldn't see it and Deanna would make excuses for the random bruises and I'd believe her."
Maura's hand runs up and down her arm and it is warm and comforting. Kelly wonders if Maura's empathy is a super power because she loses herself in her eyes. She feels emboldened to talk through her pain, which she has kept buried for ten years. "Eventually I realised what was happening and I was able to talk her into leaving. But then she went back and uhh, days later she was dead. Strangled."
Kelly rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling, immediately feeling the absence of Maura's hand on her arm. However, she doesn't want comfort at this moment. She doesn't want to feel Maura's empathy. She lost someone who at the time was pretty much her entire world because she couldn't see the signs of the abuse or that Deanna was going to go back. She still doesn't understand why anyone would go back to an abusive piece of crap like that.
Kelly feels Maura shift on the bed next to her and looks in her direction. She's sitting up looking down at her with worried eyes. She looks so incredibly stunning, which only makes Kelly feel all the more guilty. She is in this bed with the most gorgeous woman and Deanna is dead. What right does she have to experience such pleasure? What right does she have to happiness and joy? Oh. That explains it all doesn't it?
A sad little laugh escapes Kelly's lips. Her choice in women since Deanna died suddenly makes such perfect sense. She falls for the damaged women so she can protect them in her own messed up attempt to change history. All this despite knowing that just like with Deanna, no matter the affection they have for her, they won't stay.
She's doing it again. She is absolutely doing it again. Only this time, she wants to be wrong. She wants Maura to choose her. She doesn't want to fall on her sword and play the martyr like she did with Melissa. She wants this glorious woman to pick her, choose her and love her. Oh yes, she absolutely wants to Meredith Grey the Hell out of this woman.
"I'm falling in love with you, Maura." The words fall out of her mouth without her permission, but Kelly really isn't surprised at this point. She has always fallen fast and last time she held off for as long as she could before admitting her feelings and it still backfired. As it was always going to do. This time she knows it's too soon. She knows that if she actually waited, this whole thing might turn out a little differently, but she's haunted by the spectre of Deanna and a love she never mentioned. Maybe Deanna would be here if she did.
Kelly sits up and turns her body so that she's facing Maura, whose eyes look as soft as ever. She doesn't look the least bit surprised. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that means she didn't just dash all of her hopes. "I know that's a bit messed up for me to throw that out there like that, but I can't go through this again. If she hurts you-"
Maura's lips are on hers in a heartbeat, forcing her to swallow down the last of her words. Kelly wraps her arms around Maura's back and pulls her down on top of her body as she flattens herself out on the bed. The heat in their kiss intensifies. She knows that none of this is defined. She knows that Gabby looms in the background as a real threat to whatever this is and perhaps all it is, is one night. But she wants that one night, she wants every last drop of what Maura will give her.
Maura pulls away from their kiss momentarily and raggedly states, "I don't know what this is for me. I just know I want to feel you."
"I don't care," Kelly says, pulling Maura back towards her lips. She does care, she absolutely cares. But that is tomorrow's problem. Right now she is desperate to savour every single moment between them.
Maura pulls away from their searing kiss once more, moving her lips along Kelly's jaw very deliberately. She husks out wantonly, "I need to feel you."
That is all Kelly needs to hear. Consequences be damned. She grips Maura's wrists and expertly flips them so she has the upper hand. If Maura needs to feel her at this moment, she will. Every single part of her. She hungrily finds Maura's mouth once more and this kiss causes a chain reaction throughout her body. It is quite simply the best kiss she has ever experienced. The potentially fleeting nature of their connection only fuels her desire to make sure Maura cannot forget her and it feels like she knows it too.
Maura breaks the kiss, gulping in much needed oxygen. Kelly can't help but smile as she too takes a moment to breathe in deeply. Then Maura, the glorious woman that she is, temporarily breaks Kelly's brain when she moans, "Touch me," against her ear.
It's a simple request, but it's a powerful one. It is consent. It is evidence of Maura's desire for this night to turn into a lot more than just rolling around in the bed making out. It is quite frankly, everything. At least for this moment it is.
Kelly closes her eyes and latches onto the pulse point on Maura's neck and suckles, revelling in the sensation while she sets her mind on her one solitary goal for the night: make Maura cry out in pleasure. Repeatedly.
Maura wakes early in the morning, thoroughly exhausted. She opens her eyes and takes a few moments to re-orient herself. She's in the spare room. In the bed Kelly has been using. The night before plays in her mind like a high definition video. From the moment she and Kelly almost kissed, to her heartbreak at Gabby's hands, as well as Kelly's quite attentive intimacy.
Last night was definitely difficult, but the way Kelly worshipped her body is what haunts her the most in light of the new day. At one point they locked eyes as Kelly's hand worked some more of its magic and right as she rolled over the edge, she saw it in her eyes. There's no 'falling' in the equation. Kelly has fallen in love and the only question that remains is whether she realises it. Because Maura, well she is more than sure of it.
Maura isn't sure what to do with it given just hearing Kelly's confession that she was falling in love was enough to fuel her own body's desire to be intimate with her friend. Perhaps the only person not being honest with herself is indeed Maura, because if she chose to be honest she would have to acknowledge the spike of warmth that flooded her chest hearing those words. But that complicates things exponentially. She isn't sure she's ready for that.
As the sleep clears from her mind Maura realises she doesn't have any arms wrapped around her. She rolls over and finds the bed is empty. An unexpected pain sears through her chest. She climbs out of bed, gathering up her lingerie and her dress and quickly makes her way through the house to her bathroom. She needs to shower and then she will worry about where Kelly got to.
The shower is a quick one, because she can't stop thinking about Kelly and worrying about her. Last night may have been a lot for her friend as well. They definitely have to debrief and figure out where they stand. If only Maura knew what to do with this thing between them. Kelly deserves more than to be some rebound, which she will well and truly become if things continue this way.
After dressing in some comfortable clothes Maura makes her way downstairs and looks for Kelly. She doesn't find her anywhere in the house, which starts to make her worry, but then she decides to check the backyard. She finds Kelly standing on the grass, barefooted in shorts and a tee shirt. She's watching Charlie and the result of that is her body turns as she watches him bound right on over to Maura.
"Good morning," Maura offers, unsure what else to say. Kelly's eyes linger in her direction. Her hands are stuffed casually in her pockets and her brown hair is pulled back in a ponytail. The morning sunlight bathes her in soft colours. She is absolutely gorgeous, but her face is covered in what can only be described as an agonising heartache.
Maura absently pets Charlie while her eyes remain locked on her friend. Her mind recalls last night's conversation and realises that they are closing in on the anniversary of Deanna's death. There was something about the look in Kelly's eyes when she talked about this childhood friend that Maura couldn't quite put her finger on, but now she thinks she's solved it. She walks closer to Kelly and says, "You were in love with her, weren't you?"
It takes a second but the look on Kelly's face floods with recognition. She nods lightly and says, "Yeah."
"Did you ever tell her?"
"No." Kelly's eyes drop to Charlie and then her body turns in the direction of the rear of the garden.
Maura moves to stand beside Kelly and while her friend continues to stare at the yard around them, her own eyes plant firmly on the side of Kelly's face. It's apparent that the hurt is particularly fresh this morning. She isn't sure what to say, because there never really are any good words when a person is caught up in their grief and it is apparent that Kelly is there right now. Perhaps she is reliving the past or merely contemplating how things could have been different. Either way, Maura wants to provide a level of comfort so she tentatively presses her hand against Kelly's back and rubs soothing circles.
"I was scared that it was one sided, so I never said anything."
"I'm sorry that you never had the chance to conquer that fear." Maura offers up gently, despite feeling like her words are hollow. Her empathy is genuine, but she can feel the tension rippling through Kelly's muscles.
"I realise now that I have let that follow me for a decade." Kelly is softly spoken. She turns to look at Maura with fresh tears in her eyes, "I keep falling for women who need someone to put them back together. Women who inevitably won't choose me. It's like I'm punishing myself, Maura. It's exhausting."
Maura drops her eyes because while it isn't directly spoken, the implication is very clear. Kelly believes that she is just another one of those people who will not choose her. It causes an ache to spring up within her chest. She doesn't like being the cause of more pain for her friend. Is friend even the right word at this point? She has to wonder, because an honest inventory of her feelings definitely leaves her questioning a lot of things. They aren't just friends, but they aren't exactly anything more either. They are caught somewhere in the inbetween.
"I know your heart is broken." Kelly's voice draws Maura out of her thoughts. She lifts her eyes to meet Kelly's steady gaze. "I know that last night probably feels like a mistake."
An overwhelming surge of wrongness washes through Maura's body. She may not know what last night means for their future, but she cannot view it as a mistake. She will not view it as a mistake. A part of her journey to figuring out what it is that has her bouncing from pillar to post emotionally, yes, but never a mistake. "No, it doesn't."
Maura watches the changing nature of Kelly's face as she processes what she heard. It's apparent it impacts the narrative in her mind. She decides to clarify further in an attempt to help them both better understand the situation. "What I feel for you extends beyond a deep physical attraction, Kelly. So while this is complicated and I'm still trying to understand the true depth of my feelings and what it all means, it wasn't a mistake."
"I don't believe you." Kelly's voice is sad. She hangs her head in defeat. "You want her back, there's no way last night doesn't feel like a mistake."
Kelly's assertion stirs up a mixture of frustration and hurt within Maura. She takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm her nerves and allow herself an opportunity to consider what Kelly is going through right now. She is in love with a woman who has an ex-girlfriend that has anger issues. Given the anniversary that's approaching, Maura finds her inner calm. She feels like she has a handle on Kelly's ping ponging emotions.
Maura thinks the extremely raw truth is all she has at this moment to help her friend understand. "Last night happened because I am incredibly attracted to you, Kelly. I have intense feelings for you and practically every part of me wants to fall into this thing between us. But…"
She watches as Kelly's head lifts. Her eyes are so wide and hopeful, it actually pains Maura a great deal to dampen those hopes with the most important of truths. "I can't be sure what I'm feeling for you right now is anything more than a need to stop the big hurt that comes from losing Gabby."
Kelly grips her by both shoulders and looks at her with intense eyes. "Last night was so much more than fucking, Maura."
Maura closes her eyes, riding out a wave of intense feeling. Kelly isn't wrong, last night definitely felt like a lot more than sexual gratification for the sake of it. However logic and experience tells her that it is hard to trust her heart right now, no matter how much it wants to fight against what her mind is telling her. She opens her eyes and says, "I've been here before when Jane first realised her love for Melissa. I used Gabby to nurse my broken heart and as much comfort as we both took from that, it hurt her. It hurt me."
"So what are saying Maura? Because it sounds like you think last night was a mistake." Kelly's hands drop by her side. She sounds defeated all over again and it hurts Maura's heart.
"I'm saying that I need time to figure out if this is real. To understand what it is I'm feeling for you. I don't want you to become a victim of my broken heart."
Kelly turns her head and looks away, breaking their connection. Her heart is clearly hurting and Maura only becomes more sure of her decision watching it. Kelly is too good a woman to become a victim to the games her heart plays. Perhaps last night was a mistake. Perhaps she should have exercised this caution sooner, because it surely looks like she's broken this woman's heart.
Kelly snaps her head back towards her and quite firmly says, "Use me."
There's clearly some deep thought that has occurred, albeit rather quickly, however Maura's immediate reaction is no. No she will not. "I can't do that. Darling, you are vulnerable right now. You are grieving, and if there's anything to regret about last night it was that I didn't pay enough consideration to that."
"I'm not grieving for her, Maura. I'm terrified of history repeating. Of you going back to that woman and she loses her fucking mind." Kelly declares firmly.
Maura feels pain in her chest as she looks into eyes that willingly admit to the fear being communicated. She steps closer to Kelly, unable to resist the pull to want to be closer to her; to want to comfort her.
"I can handle you not being in love with me Maura, but I cannot handle losing you like that. I can't go through that again. So if you need to use me to get over your broken heart so that you can move on to a healthy, safe relationship then I will gladly let you."
"I don't know that I want to get over her, Kelly. As much as I feel this thing between us, I cannot in good conscience say that I want to give up on Gabby. So no, Kelly, I'm not going to use you like that."
Kelly reaches out and frames Maura's face in her hands. She brings her forehead to rest against hers and she practically begs, "Please let me do everything I can. Please."
Maura feels tears welling in her own eyes as she pulls Kelly into a hug. She holds her close and rubs her back soothingly as the woman starts to shake in her arms. There's so much more going on here than the feelings between them. Whether Kelly understands it or not, she is still very much grieving Deanna. Maura presses her lips just above Kelly's ear and says, "You're not to blame for what happened to Deanna, darling. You did everything you could."
Kelly's voice cracks. "It doesn't feel like it."
Maura is attempting to press her lips comfortingly against the side of Kelly's head when Kelly turns towards her. Maura's lips graze the corner of her mouth, it is unintentional, but she feels Kelly's hands fall to her hips and tug her impossibly closer. Kelly's lips find her in a tentative, searching kiss that feels like yearning and heartache. Everything in her body wants Maura to respond, but she can't. Nothing has changed. She turns her head to break the kiss. "No, darling." She murmurs, trying to soften the blow. "You're grieving."
"Please, Maura. I need this. I need you." Kelly husks out desperately.
Maura's heart collapses. She wraps herself around Kelly again and just stands there holding her, allowing Kelly's lips to graze along the skin of her neck. Kelly's grief is overwhelming and Maura understands that. She is in the midst of her own, and while she has so many reservations about this she cannot deny that last night she needed this woman. She needed her friend to risk her heart to share her body and she did. She didn't think twice. Who is she now to deny Kelly when she understands that desperation? It feels cruel.
The whole situation feels cruel. She opens up her neck instinctually as Kelly's latching on is incredibly arousing. Her body is taking over, following instructions from her heart, which is apparently flat out refusing to acknowledge the logic of this situation. Giving in now will only lead to more hurt later. They need time and space. This needs to be real. This is going to be an ugly, ugly mess if it isn't.
Kelly has apparently grown weary of waiting, as Maura finds herself being lifted into the air. Her legs wrap instinctually around Kelly who starts carrying her towards the house. It's an impressive and arousing display of strength. "Kelly," she says in an attempt to get her friend's attention. Although it comes out a little too wantonly for her own liking.
Kelly stops walking and looks into Maura's eyes. "Do you want me to put you down?"
The short answer is no, Maura does not want Kelly to put her down. The long answer involves her body and heart overruling her head. Either way the result is the same. She shakes her head lightly, tightening her legs around Kelly's waist. She clutches her face and closes the space between them. She kisses Kelly fiercely, silently praying that her heart is right and that this is the beginning of something glorious. Because neither of them are prepared for the consequences if it isn't.
A/N: Okay so this is a short chapter this time because I wanted to get something out to explain that I am going to be on a small hiatus for this story, maybe, or maybe only publish small chapters for the time being as I am focused on a different story that I desperately want to write. Having this one on the go and trying to do both is stifling my desire to write, so I finished this lot so that I can simply focus on the other story until it is done. I hope you can all understand.