After Uncle Mycroft hurts the Somebody and leaves, I'm very mad and upset. My heart feels funny in my chest. When I go to bed that night, Detective Lestrade comes and I tell him Uncle Mycroft made his bad guy go to heaven. Then I go back to sleep.
I dream of Room. I dream about the Monsters. Like when Pa put bad tablets in my food. I go out of Wardrobe and see them holding Pa, hurting him. But when they look at me, it's not Pa, but John. Uncle Mycroft is hurting him.
I wake up from bad dream and cry. I'm scared of Uncle Mycroft. I think of him coming back and feel sick, like in Room when I ate the bad eggs. I pick up Panda and cuddle him tightly. I don't remember going back to sleep until John wakes me with breakfast.
Uncle Mycroft comes back three days later. I cry and tell John if he comes upstairs, I'll open windows and show the World I still live here! John goes to talk to him at Front Door. I hide in my bed and hug Panda. Uncle Mycroft takes my hair to give to Pa and leaves.
The bad dreams keep happening. I tell Dr. Stamford, and he promises not to tell anyone and asks me to draw my bad dreams. I'm scared, but he tells me that it will help. He also asks me to draw everything I remember in Room. I ask him why bad dreams make Old Magnussen turn into Uncle Mycroft. He explains that when we're scared of more than one person, we can sometimes confuse them.
A week after I last saw Uncle Mycroft, John says he takes me somewhere special with no government anywhere. I'm still scared and sad, but he takes me outside really fast and we get in a cab, it's a black car for all people. On the way I see churches and a cathedral and shops painted colours, and street signs and houses and apartments and people and traffic lights and-
We get to a big place. John says I'm a big boy and I can choose my own toys! He takes me inside but there are people and it goes on forever. The boxes are taller than Pa, and I'm scared and small. John deduces that I need help and carries me. Then he tells me to get into the trolley, a metal thing on wheels and pushes me around, but not too fast. It's like that movie Pa and I watched in Room with the roller-coaster. So much fun! I hold the ambulance truck tightly.
We stop and buy more colouring books, and we choose more crayons, and chalk and paints, because I've never had those, and we go down the corridors that John calls 'iles' and we see more and more and more. The best thing we find is a robot dog toy. It doesn't look real but it can pretend to walk and bark like a real dog. We get a pretend car too.
Eventually, John says it's time to pay, and we can come back for Christmas. I help him lift the toys on the moving machine and they get closer to the lady as she beeps them. I then help put them back into bags. I look at the bar codes. How do they work?
Then John moves. He talks with his soldier voice and tells the lady to be quiet. He suddenly asks me to deduce her. I am surprised because he's never done that before. He tells me quickly to deduce if she is a mum. I stare at her face and neck and the arm he is holding. The bracelet on her arm. The way she stared at two of my toys when she beeped them. "She has… erm… yes? But not… There's something…"
John says to stop. I think she is a mum, but there is big sadness that confuses my data. Big sadness like Pa has when he was upset about the dead children. She looks at me. I know she wants to tell her friend who I am. I know that means media and media is bad. John won't let her and we leave before I can tell her any rude names.
John tells me she isn't Monster, just an idiot. I don't tell him about my deductions, because it's not important. A cab appears and we go home. I open my ambulance and police car toys. They were the first cars I ever saw when I came into the Real World. The toy dog moves very slowly and makes strange sounds, but John says I have to pretend because a real dog needs exercise and attention and only Pa knows about taking care of one.
John is very excited, he wants me to experience a lot of things. He wants me to do lots and insists on going out. I know he communicates with Uncle Mycroft and that makes me cross and scared. I tell Pa on the phone and he promises just to talk to me. He talks funny like his tongue won't work. Pa says it's the medicine to stop him from going back to heaven. Sometimes he sounds empty. I don't like it.
One day, John takes me to the zoo. It's very big and there are animals everywhere and they are GIGANTIC. The elephant is scary, but John picks me up and says I mustn't be scared of gentle animals and we're safe. I keep my hand flat and it takes the food, but my hand is then all yellow and gooey. John explains the trunk is it's nose, and elephants can't blow their noses. We wash my hand and then we see giraffes. They're skinny but soooooo tall. I feed them a branch, but only when everyone swears they won't make my hand gooey. It uses its tongue and it's purple and really long. I feel like I've met an alien, for real life! There are lots of types of birds, but I love penguins. John takes lots of photos for Pa.
And then… A REAL PANDA. They're slow and eat a lot, but they are very furry. My toy Panda isn't the right shape, but it definitely was made to be cute. We can't feed them. We see snakes, but the dark room scares me, so we don't stay long. After going everywhere, we leave and my mind palace has new shelves and replaced incorrect information, like size of animals and behaviours. There's a gift shop and I choose a toy giraffe and penguins cause they walk funny. We also get a box of small plastic toys with every animal. Now I can play with all of them. There's a big book just about animals and John says to choose a present for Pa. I think he looks the most like the otters, so I get him a mug with their faces on it. I tell John and he laughs.
"How does your Pa look like an otter?" He's still shaking.
"His eyes are far apart like theirs," I reply. John shakes harder.
The next day, a spy ninja comes instead if Uncle Mycroft and takes the present for Pa. John helped me write a note for Pa. I thought it was nice, but John hasn't stopped giggling. Then Doctor Stamford comes and I show him my drawings of Room. He asks me how I felt and I tell him it made me sad because I really miss Room. I miss the safety and Pa and knowing everything. He tells me that's normal. He tells me to talk about Uncle Mycroft. I shake my head and say no. He tells me to be brave and asks me to make a list of every good thing Uncle Mycroft has done for Pa and me. I can't spell yet, so I think of things and he writes them down. Then we make a list of bad things. Then we make a list of good and bad for Pa, John, Mrs. Hudson and even him!
The bad list has hurting Pa and hurting John. He asks me if Uncle Mycroft apologised for hurting Pa and I said yes. He then asks how John got hurt. I tell him about the fight. He asks me how I would feel if someone threw me around for something I had already apologised for. He says John should have used his words and asked Uncle Mycroft instead of attacking him. Then John wouldn't have been hurt. He explains that sometimes even grown ups make mistakes and it's always important to apologise.
I can see what he means. If a person attacked me, I would probably hit back to defend myself. But I'm still angry and scared. Doctor Stamford says I'm very brave and tells me a secret. Uncle Mycroft has a therapist! He wants to be a better Uncle for me. That makes me less angry. I feel warm tingles everywhere.
The library is a place full of books. Thousands and thousands and thousands of books. There are lots of floors with different spaces. John used his phone to ask what we needed to sign up. They say we can come in for free, but we must prove our identity to sign up. He asks to speak to the most important person there. He explains who we are and says we want no fuss. The lady understands and says that library people are supposed to keep secret who goes there. She asks her colleague to make us come library cards and he helps us understand where everything is. He says that books do not belong to us and we must bring them back. We go to the floor for children and there are books everywhere. I want to look at books for learning. There's so much choice I get sweaty. What if I make wrong choice?
John explains that what I don't choose this time, I can choose next time, or the time after. We can come here for years! I can only choose fifteen books today. He says we should choose 10 for learning and 5 for bed time stories. I don't know what those are.
Other children are here. Some are bigger and some are smaller. The small ones run around and make noise. I want to choose books, but I watch them instead. I don't know what to do. Should I make noise too? John says 'no, thank you!'.
I pick books on science and history and countries and spelling. I don't understand bed time stories. John says like the Jack in the Beanstalk, but that one had monsters and I scream like the children. John says 'sshh!' and says a librarian can help us find perfect books. The man who made our cards comes and John explains my fear of Monsters. He helps find nice books with no wolves, giants or anything. He finds Mr. Men and books about love and ducks...
John brought a bag to carry stuff. He puts them in and we go to leave. The man asks if we saw DVDs. I don't know what that is, but John stops and asks where they are. Man says he'll help me find some stuff to watch.
When we leave, the bag is heavy, but John is strong. We walk home. Mrs. Hudson lets us in and John gives her cooking magazines. She is very excited and gets tearful, but I notice she often has tears that don't leak. I think Grandma hasn't been loved enough.
She comes upstairs and I show her all the books I got. I'm really excited, but very tired. John says I can watch a DVD and rest up whilst he makes dinner for all of us. It's called Thomas the Tank Engine. The naughty trucks are scary and the trains have lots of accidents. Grandma holds my hand to help me feel better.
I get into bed and John reads me a story about animals on a farm. It's a bit boring. He tells me that it's hard to read me more complicated stories because he's concerned that I'll be scared. He says he'll ask Dr. Stamford when he comes. I go to sleep and dream about pigs in mud.
I learn to paint and use chalks to make all sorts of different art. I listen to more stories. There's one about a hedgehog, it looks amazing. John finds a documentary about hedgehogs at the library, and books. They're cuddly and spiky at the same time, just like John. Loving and protecting. Grandma squeals and John goes red when I tell them. I learn about the solar system, and planets and that I live on a country and it's an island and the planet Earth is HUGE!
Pa calls. I tell him about the planets. He says 'boring!' and that I should delete it.
"But it's special, Pa. They're real, even if we can't see them. Just like John was real when we lived in Room."
Pa is quiet. "You're right. Anyway, I phoned because I wanted to thank you. For your gifts."
"You got everything? The mug and drawings and photos?"
"Yes, I love the photos of you at the zoo. Your… abstract art is very good too."
"I drew hedgehogs for you."
"Oh… that's what they… I mean, of course, your hedgehogs are lovely."
"I don't know how to draw people yet, so I drew John as a hedgehog for you instead. Because he's cuddly and spiky."
Pa is silent again. "Are you feeling sick?"
"No… I just feel like I'm missing out. That you're growing up without me."
"Get better then."
He snorts. "I'm trying sweetheart. It's just… the Monsters hurt me really badly. My brain is still in shock. I don't know if I'll ever be really be normal again."
"I don't need you to be normal, Pa. Just be Pa. I'm not normal like other children. They don't talk or behave like me. But I'm learning. And I'll always be your Jack."
The phone is heavy and my arm hurts. I swap hands like John showed me to. Pa starts to cry. "Oh, Jack… what have I done to deserve you?"
Oh, no! That was supposed to cheer him up! "Pa, no! Wait, Pa, you didn't say if you liked the mug! Did you like the mug from the zoo?"
Pa sniffs and I wait for him breathe normally. Then he chuckles, all wet. "Yes, thank you for the mug. I see John thought it was amusing."
"How do you know?"
"His handwriting."
I didn't know you could deduce from reading when a person writes. I store the information in my Mind Palace.
"Yes… thank you for the gift. The nurses here had a good chuckle about about my resembling an otter."
"Yes, you are like an otter and John is like a hedgehog, but not because he looks like one."
"I have to go, Jack. I don't feel good."
"Will you ever come home, Pa? Will I ever see you again?"
"Oh, Jack, of course… I just need-"
"I miss Room. You were always in Room."
He makes a strange sound and the phone hums. I bounce it crossly and hug my giraffe to cry.
I look at the calendar. John has marked off 48 days since Pa tried to bounce to heaven. John has said bad truth: it could be a lot more days before Pa is well again.
I'm not quite the same Jack now. In 48 days, I've learnt and seen a lot.
John is acting very strange. He drinks four teas in one hour instead of two. He keeps looking at me. I try to deduce.
At lunch, I catch him. "You are hiding something. I deduced it. Too much tea, too much moving around, too much avoiding me."
He sighs. "This is going to get worse as you get older, isn't it? Okay. I don't want you to panic or get angry. If I tell you, I want to promise me you'll think about it."
"What is it?"
"Promise me you'll think about it."
"I promise."
"Okay, good… How do you feel about seeing Uncle Mycroft-"
"BLOODY HELL! NO! No! You are…" I try to remember his full name, he told me to never tell anyone. People say full names when they are angry. "John Hami… Hammer… John Hamster Watson, I told you no!"
John raises his eyebrows very very slowly. He is 'unimpressed'. "What did we say about that bad word?"
"Not sorry!"
He leans forward. "Jack…" then he pauses, like he almost forgot "did you just call me 'Hamster'?"
"Doctor Stamford said Uncle Mycroft has therapy to be better, but I need to know he is better! His list of good are longer than the bad, but I want no bad!"
John frowns. "I didn't know Mycroft was getting therapy. That's… good, really good. What's this about a list?"
"Doctor Stamford made lists." I didn't want to show John, but he must understand that I mean no! I take them out of my private drawer in cupboard. "He said to make lists of good and bad things by Uncle Mycroft, Pa, Grandma and you and him!" I hand them over.
"Are you sure you want me to look at these?"
"Yes, look right now."
John reads the lists. His face is blank, I cannot deduce his emotions. He looks super hard at Mycroft's lists and his. He rubs his hands all over his face.
"There's nothing on my bad list."
"Of course not. You're the Somebody. You're everything."
He rubs his face harder and reaches out to me. We hug. I snuggle his jumper. Then he pushes me away and looks at me hard, like Pa when he wanted me to understand something 'crucial'. He counts on his fingers.
"Firstly, I asked you to think and you didn't. Secondly, I asked you not to say bad words even if I accidentally taught you that one, but you said it."
I go to say something but he cuts me off. "I will not ask you to sit on naughty step. Instead, I'm going to explain something that perhaps should have been said a while ago. Do not interrupt me."
I sit on Pa's armchair and wait.
"I am absolutely delighted to hear that Mycroft is getting help. He was very young when Sherlock went missing, this has been difficult for him. I am pleased to see his bad list only has two things, and one is our fight. But here's the problem with your lists." He sits forward. "The fight was my fault, Jack."
I huff. "Doctor Stamford said you got mad and Uncle Mycroft defended himself. He said bad thing to Pa and hurt you. I need proof to know he is good." I kick my legs crossly.
"But don't you see? Uncle Mycroft hurt me because I hurt him first." He looks me right in the eyes. "Because even though I'm the Somebody, I'm very flawed. That means I have a list of bad things too. I'm not perfect, Jack. I know you think I am, but if someone else had walked through the park that day, they would have been the Somebody instead. It could have been the librarian. Or the lady in the toy shop. And we know at least one of them has a bad list." He reaches over to hold my hands. "I'm not perfect, Jack. I get very angry like Mycroft too. The fight shouldn't be on his list. It belongs on mine."
I don't know what to say. How could anyone else be the somebody? He very slowly reaches for a pen and takes the lists. He doesn't ask, but watches me in case I say 'no!'. I don't. He takes uncle Mycroft's and crosses out the fight. Then he takes the paper and writes on his list instead.
I feel sick and panicky, but I say nothing. When he's finished, he holds up the bad lists for him and Uncle Mycroft.
"The fight would never have happened, and my nose wouldn't have been bruised for ten days if I had better control. If I had a therapist, like Mycroft, it probably wouldn't have happened. So now your uncle and I have a bad thing each. Do you want to never see me again as well?"
His logic is stupid because it is truth, but it makes me cross. I'll always want him. Not Cake Government Umbrella man.
"Jack, I'm prickly like a hedgehog. Is Mrs. Hudson prickly, or sharp?"
I shake my head, no.
"Mycroft and I have imperfections. So here's the deal. I will try therapy again. And you will see Uncle Mycroft."
"How do I know he is good now? I need proof."
"Exactly. You deduce far better than me. Seeing him with your own eyes will allow you to deduce him and get the best proof possible. Who else could do it? Your Pa isn't well enough and everyone else works for him. All I know is, he is very very sorry."
He's using my intelligence against me! "When did you get smart?" I ask crossly.
He laughs. "I was a soldier. And I'm a doctor. I have to be smart."
"I bet zookeepers are way smarter than doctors. All you do is jab people and take temperature."
John blinks lots of times. "We need to chat. Also… 'Hamster'? Really?"
Mycroft Holmes stands outside the building, smoking a rare cigarette. He shouldn't. He's terrible at it and he doesn't want anyone to smell it on him. Frustrated, he flicks the ash away and steps on the half-smoked offending item. He closes his eyes and tries the breathing exercises his VERY expensive therapist has practised with him. He already knew them, but recent events made him realise that although he could stride through the stress of work, he couldn't cope when dealing with his family.
His family had all but faded when Sherlock had vanished.
He takes another breath and walks back into the building. He heads to a certain room and nods at the woman waiting for him.
"My nephew will be here any moment. Please bring him and his guardian here."
She nods and heads outside to wait. Mycroft closes the baby gate, heads to the back of the room and sits next to Sherlock. "Are you looking forward to seeing Jack, brother mine?"
Sherlock is dressed properly for the first time since he has been hospitalised. He's wearing the coat Jack chose and 's scarf. His hair has grown. There are more waves and the odd curl at several ends. But he is still unhealthily pale and too tired to move normally. He turns slowly to glance at Mycroft. "I'm alright. I hope Jack will be okay."
"He's due in two minutes. They left on time."
"Will you keep your promise to John's sister?" He can't remember her name.
"Considering the progress Jack has made, I have already made the arrangements. She will be on a late flight out this evening. Once I give the go ahead of course. Neither Watson knows yet."
Sherlock scratches the back of his hand, a nervous tick he has developed. "And Jack doesn't know I'm here?"
"No, he has no idea what we have planned."
Sherlock reaches out and picks up one of the many "surprises" organised. "I would like to have one of these again."
"And you will, brother mine. You will." Mycroft no longer sounds like he has to convince himself. Sherlock will be home soon.
There's commotion down the corridor. Jack's high pitched tones reach them. "I don't want to cover my eyes! What if I don't like the surprise?"
John's deeper tones are too far away, but they sound reassuring. The footsteps get closer. "If I don't like it, I'll… I'll insult Lestrade!"
"Shh. This way."
Sherlock actually gives a deep chuckle. Mycroft looks miffed.
John appears at the doorway with a blindfolded Jack guided firmly with both hands. He looks up and freezes at the sight of Sherlock. A bright emotional smile lights up his face. He mouths 'hello' and swallows back his emotion. "Do you hear that noise, Jack? Listen."
Jack cocks his head. "I hear mice."
"That's not mice, Jack. I'm going to take your blindfold off now." He removes it gently. Jack blinks against the light.
"Look, in that basket, Jack!"
Jack's eyes focus, his eyes grow to saucers. "Is that a dog? For real life?"
Mycroft gently clears his throat. "This is a breed of dog called an Irish Setter. This is the type of dog your Pa had. Isn't that right, Sherlock?"
Jack's eyes travel to him. Mycroft looks at his brother.
Sherlock can hardly believe his eyes. He'd seen photos and the hair, but the reality was so much… better. Jack has short hair, a young boy's cut. His clothes are smart, his posture is confident. Jack had grown up mentally. His gaze was less naive then the last time Sherlock had seen him. This boy can survive without his father being constantly in the same room. Then his son spots him. Jack's mouth drops, his eyes water and he bursts into hysterical tears. "PA!"
John quickly opens the gate and carries Jack over so he doesn't accidentally tread on a dog. Mycroft quickly rescues the pet on Sherlock's lap. Sherlock's heart swells as he gets to hold his son for the first time in weeks. They cling to each other desperately. Sherlock didn't think he could have any tears left, but for the first time, they are happy ones. "Hello, Jack."
John hands Jack some tissues and passes him a bottle of water before the boy asks for it. Sherlock swallows. John has taken excellent care of his son. Jack wipes his eyes and continues to sob. Suddenly, Jack looks like the naive child back in the vault. Sherlock is overwhelmed with guilt. The hurt he has caused his wonderful boy.
They wait until everyone calms down. Mycroft tries again. "This is an Irish Setter, Jack. Like your Pa had. She's had puppies. We have to be gentle because they are very small. Would you like to stroke them?" He gently holds out the one in his arms.
Jack's face is wet and tear-stained, red from the outburst of unexpected emotion. He eyes him up and down and Mycroft knows the boy is trying to deduce his intentions. He keeps his expression gentle, but open. Whatever Jack sees is good enough. He focuses on the small puppy. Mycroft gently rests it on his lap. Sherlock shows him how to stroke it. The puppy wiggles and squeaks. Jack is fascinated.
They spend two hours together. Jack strokes every puppy and their mother. John and Sherlock talk in hushed tones. The smile on John's face makes Sherlock's heart pick up a bit.
At one point, Mycroft takes Jack to the bathroom. Sherlock knows he has to speak. "You said you love me."
John's eyes are firmly on the puppy in his hands, but he smiles and nods. "I did."
"What does that mean? What do you want? What… are you hoping for?"
John places the puppy back with it's mother before giving him his full attention. He pauses, a pensive look on his face as he gathers his thoughts. "When I look at you, I see a good looking man. You are very good looking." Sherlock blushes. "But I'm not stupid. You've been through something no person should ever have to go through. You have lost both your innocence and two children and I know that that is something that will stay with you."
Another pause. Sherlock swallows and is grateful the medication is keeping him from panicking.
John continues. "I also know that healing is possible. I know that one day, you may wish to have a relationship. A romantic one. Possibly a sexual one. And when you do it will be on your terms. Not because someone said they love you, but because you are ready to love someone. That person could be a man or a woman. You may not have a clear view on your sexuality right now because it may have been distorted. All I want, is to continue to be a part of your life. Even if in ten years you settle down with someone else and we're living in different places. I want you to find out who you are and what you want. If one day you want me… Then I will be delighted. But you have to want me because you find me attractive, not because I professed my love first. If you did, I would have to leave for your own well being."
Sherlock's heart squeezes at the thought of John leaving. John presses on. "In case you've wondered, I do not currently have sexual thoughts about you, not at all since we met. I don't… sorry for being frank, but I don't masturbate and think about you. It doesn't feel right. Because you're not someone I met at the pub that I want a short term relationship with. You're someone I cherish. Having sexual thoughts about you right now, knowing everything you've been through… I can't imagine anything more insulting. To know the person caring for your son gets off after hearing that? In your place, I'd be terrified of me."
John stops and picks up another puppy. He holds it close and strokes it, seemingly ignoring him. Sherlock knows he's allowing him to process all the information. He analyses each sentence, to see if he needs more information. "You… you will have urges. Eventually."
John shrugs. "Most likely. And when I do we'll discuss it. See how you are moving forward and how you feel about me. I can survive without sex for quite a while. I don't need it like I did before. I don't… need to prove anything. Not any more. I don't care what people think. I don't need a quick shag to cheer me up, because I'm actually happy now."
Sherlock doesn't want to believe him and yet… Jack isn't the only one to have changed in the past weeks. John has been handed the sole custody of a child for the first time and has handled it well. He thinks about their first picnic when he'd offered John sex and that time he'd tried to kiss him in the kitchen. He hadn't been ready. John had protected all of them when he had pushed him away. His feelings about John were… influenced by his role in their rescue. He didn't know how he felt. But… there is love for John. Perhaps not romantic, but not hero worship either. Just… a love based on trust. One that had room to grow. "Thank you. For your honesty."
John's phone buzzes. Outside the room, Mycroft holds a sleepy Jack and rereads the text he just sent.
Make excuse to leave room. Call Harriet. Tell her she has one hour to pack.
Sherlock just nods when John gets up quickly and leaves, watching Mycroft carry Jack back over to him. He wants to get better. He wants to go home.
Five hours later, Harriet Watson climbs out a taxi in Zurich, Switzerland and stares up at the building lit up in the dark in front of her. She is greeted by a several staff members who will be guiding her through the rehab process, gets checked in and led to her room. She readies for bed and settles in under the luxury sheets, having eaten a four (five?) course meal on the private jet. Her room is five times bigger than her apartment.
Well damn. She smirks. Maybe kids aren't so bad after all.